Afraid to Be Seen? | The Healthy High Achiever Series

In this episode we dive into the exhausting trap of image management—a struggle many high achievers face. 

We explores why this behavior develops, its detrimental impact on mental, emotional, and relational health, and how it stems from a need for safety and external validation. 

We also discuss practical steps to release the burden of image management, embrace authenticity, and build healthier relationships with oneself and others.

Key Takeaways:

• Image Management Defined: Efforts to control how others perceive us often create isolation and exhaustion.
• Root Causes: Early childhood experiences, perfectionism, and the desire for external validation fuel the cycle.
• Steps to Overcome: Identify triggers, shift focus from approval to authenticity, practice vulnerability, redefine self-worth beyond accomplishments, and set social media boundaries.
• Benefits of Letting Go: Greater mental freedom, authentic relationships, reduced exhaustion, enhanced self-worth, and inner peace.

Chapters:
00:00 - Introduction and gratitude to listeners
02:00 - Quote from Dr. Brené Brown on authenticity
03:23 - What is image management, and why is it a trap?
05:24 - The emotional toll of image management: anxiety, depression, and burnout
06:52 - Why high achievers are especially prone to image management
07:51 - Client story: Sarah’s journey from burnout to authenticity
11:44 - Practical steps to release image management
12:53 - Identifying triggers and understanding their origins
14:30 - Shifting focus from approval to authenticity
16:16 - Practicing vulnerability with trusted individuals
19:21 - Redefining self-worth beyond accomplishments
20:48 - Setting boundaries with social media
22:07 - Benefits of letting go of image management: mental freedom, authentic relationships, reduced exhaustion, and inner peace
24:40 - Encouragement to embrace the journey of letting go

Connect with Jerry:

• Website: jerryhenderson.org
• Instagram: @jerryahenderson
• Email: jerry@jerryhenderson.org

Don’t forget to subscribe and share this episode with someone who could benefit from learning to let go of image management and live more authentically.

I am grateful you are here,
Jerry

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Transcript

Jerry Henderson: 0:00

A lot of what we carry is from childhood or other painful life experiences where we weren't safe or didn't feel safe, and we developed these coping mechanisms. But as you begin to examine that your need for image management comes from not feeling safe, you can then begin to reframe it and begin to teach yourself that you are safe. Now You're not in that situation anymore. You're safe to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to be seen. Hello everybody, and welcome to this episode of the Permission to Love podcast. I am your host, jerry Henderson, and, as always, I am so grateful that you've taken time out of your busy schedule to invest in yourself by listening to this podcast. Now, today we're continuing our series on how to be a healthy high achiever, and in this episode, we're going to be talking about how can you let go of the need for image management. Now, this is something so many high achievers struggle with constantly trying to shape and control how others see us, and for many of us, we can get so entangled in trying to control our image that it almost feels like a full-time job. So in today's episode, we're going to talk about freeing ourselves from the exhausting yes, exhausting need to meet everyone's expectations and learn how to focus instead on who you truly are. Now, before I get any further in this episode, I do want to note that I'm going to discontinue for a season doing the Friday episodes of the Permission to Love podcast, and the reason for this is that I am practicing what I preach. I'm noticing some of my boundaries getting crossed in terms of workload, etc. And so one of the things that I can move off of my plate during this busy season of completing a master's degree, a packed schedule with coaching clients and all of the other personal things that I have to do in my life, and so, for now, friday episodes are on a hold, as I am seeking to continue to bring balance to my life and practice what I preach.

Jerry Henderson: 2:00

So let's continue with today's episode, and I want to start with a powerful quote by somebody I often quote, which is Dr Brene Brown. She says that authenticity is the daily practice of letting go who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we truly are. When we can let go of managing our image, we open ourselves up to true authenticity. Now, this is really hard for many high achievers, and especially hard for people who are high achievers as a result of early childhood trauma or other painful life experiences, because it doesn't feel safe to be who we are. But I got to tell you, and I'm sure you can resonate with this the most exhausting thing I've ever done in my life is living my life as somebody other than who I actually am. I mean, it's totally exhausting, and a part of this comes from that fear of being seen right that we've talked about in previous episodes. We want people's attention on our achievements, not on us right, and so being authentic, being vulnerable and letting go of image management can be really scary. But I want to encourage you. It can set you free in your life and you'll find a greater place of rest and you can actually then, from that place, begin to build the life that you want to live, versus the one that you think you're supposed to live.

Jerry Henderson: 3:23

Now, first, let's talk about what image management actually is and why it's such a common trap, especially for high achievers. Well, image management is essentially the act of trying to control how others perceive us. We do this by hiding our flaws, emphasizing our accomplishments or even adjusting our personality to match what we think other people expect from us. Now there's a well-known concept in social psychology called impression management. It was coined by Dr Irving Goffman, impression management, which I'm referring to as image management, because in today's culture the language of image management is more approachable and covers the concept a little bit more broadly. Right, it goes beyond just trying to make our impression on people, but we're now living in a world where we're constantly trying to manage an image of us. Goffman observed that people constantly work to shape how others see them, a behavior that becomes especially strong in high achievers, who may link their self-worth to others' approval or validation. But here's the catch Image management is a trap because it requires us to play a role instead of being our authentic selves, and the authentic version of us actually gets trapped behind this image that we build, and we then begin to feel alone.

Jerry Henderson: 4:47

We begin to feel isolated because we feel like nobody ever truly sees us or knows us, and the reality is they don't right, because we're hiding behind the image that we've created. And what happens? Over time? This becomes absolutely exhausting. It's lonely, it's isolating and it even distances us from ourselves. It creates separation from our authentic selves, from us, and then we don't even know who we are. We begin to lose sight of who the authentic version of us is, and we feel like we're living our lives trapped behind a mask.

Jerry Henderson: 5:24

Now there's additional research that shows that this need for constant approval or to manage this image can lead to anxiety, depression and even burnout. And so, while image management might seem like a way to avoid rejection or criticism, it often ends up costing us more than we realize. It costs us our mental, emotional and relational health, right? We never feel like we're in intimate relationships because we never feel seen. All of this has taken a toll on our system and we wonder, right, why are we feeling so fatigued? Why are we feeling burned out? Why are we feeling so much anxiety and panic attacks and depression and all of these things? Because we're trying to live up to something that we've created in order to stay safe, in order to not be seen. But in the end, what's happening is we're spiraling internally, and we're often not even aware of it, right? And all these symptoms begin to show up in our lives. And then we start to do the work, the work of digging into what's going on behind the symptoms, and we'll often find out that we're under the weight of an image that we've created so that others can accept us. And, as I always say, what we're actually after in trying to get other people's acceptance is allowing ourselves to accept ourselves, and one of the things that we can do to help deal with image management and we'll talk about this in a little bit is learning to accept ourselves.

Jerry Henderson: 6:52

Now let's talk a little bit about why is image management especially challenging for high achievers. Well, many high achievers grow up associating their worth with their accomplishments. From a young age, they might receive praise for what they do rather than who they are, which creates a dependency on external validation. This mindset can fuel a cycle of trying to be perfect, as we talked about in other episodes. That can then lead to this constant need to manage your image, because your self-worth has become conditional on other people's approval what they think of you, how they see you or actually how you think they see you right. Our biggest trap is getting caught up in how we think other people perceive us versus how they actually do perceive us, because we actually don't know how they perceive us, especially in today's culture, where people struggle in being transparent, about giving constructive feedback.

Jerry Henderson: 7:51

So, in order to illustrate this, let me just share a quick story about a client that I was working with, and anytime I share anything about a client, I've had their permission in order to share it, and so let's just call this person Sarah, not her real name. But Sarah is a very high achiever, a very high performing professional, and she got caught up and trapped in the need to manage her image. She wanted to appear flawless, like she could do anything, and this was having to come across both on her online world and in her professional life. That then began to bleed over into her personal life, and so she felt like she was walking around alone, isolated on this planet, because she felt like nobody ever truly knew her. And she originally came to me because of burnout, because of fatigue and exhaustion, and she thought it was because she had so much going on in her life.

Jerry Henderson: 8:43

But as we began to work together, she began to see how, what was actually fatiguing her, what was actually burning her out and giving her anxiety and causing her to be unmotivated, was this constant need to appear perfect to other people. She was managing an image. She was putting so much energy in trying to reflect about how she came across and ruminating after interactions on whether or not she did it perfectly and if people were judging her, and so all of this emotional and mental energy was going into managing the image, reflecting on how other people were receiving her image, and so no wonder she was dealing with all of this stuff. And as we worked together, we were able to uncover that, yes, indeed, what was going on with her was that exhaustion from trying to manage her image, and she was so exhausted from trying to manage her image to others and, yes, even manage her image with herself, right?

Jerry Henderson: 9:40

Because a lot of what image management gets into is us trying to build a character that we'd rather be than who we actually are, right, and so we begin to abandon ourselves in image management and we're trying to put on this cloak or this armor or all of this stuff that we want people to see us as and actually how we want to see ourselves as. And a lot of this, as we dig into it, can relate to a work called internal family systems, where we begin to see that our image management becomes a protector part of us. It's keeping a wounded part of us safe, that maybe at one point was bullied or shamed or experienced abuse, that we're trying to hide that part of us, and so we build an image to keep others from seeing that part of us and to help create separation for ourselves from that part of ourself. Help create separation for ourselves from that part of ourselves. And as we dug into the work together, sarah was able to see that that's exactly what she was doing building an image to keep herself from being seen. And now had become so burdensome, so heavy to try to continue to live that life that things were falling apart, and so she needed help to begin to reconcile the story that she had inside of her about the version of herself, the part of herself that she was trying to hide behind the image that she was creating. And as she did the work to heal her relationship with herself, that part of her that she was trying to reject and hide, it began to feel safe to let go of the image because, as she saw parts of herself with unconditional love, the parts of herself that she was rejecting, it then became safer for her to allow other people to see her authentic self and to receive love from other people, because she was meeting herself with love All right. So now let's start talking about the practical steps you can take to start letting go of image management Now, while these are simple things that you can do, they're also very powerful practices and they can help you begin to release the need to manage how others see you.

Jerry Henderson: 11:44

So let's start with number one Identify your image triggers. The first step is to notice where you feel the most pressure to manage your image. Is it at work, where you feel like you need to be seen as a flawless performer? Or is it on social media, where you want to appear as though you have it all together? Or maybe it's even with your family, your friends or your romantic partner, where you feel like you have to live up to the image and expectations that you think that they have of you. And I wanna note that for many people, even in their most intimate relationships, they don't feel like they can be their authentic self. They still feel like that there's parts of them that cannot be seen and that they have to project an image yes, even to their most intimate relationships, and, as a result, they still feel disconnected, unseen, unknown, and that leads to shame, that leads to anxiety, it leads to all the things that we've been talking about in this episode. But I want to encourage you that there is a place where you can get to where you can be fully seen, fully accepted and fully loved with the right relationships.

Jerry Henderson: 12:53

So, as a part of identifying your triggers, pay attention to when you feel the urge to control others' perception of you and then, when you notice that you can ask yourself what am I afraid of? I mean genuinely ask yourself that question, what am I afraid of? And then ask yourself what do I fear will happen if I let go of trying to manage this, trying to manage this image with this person? What am I afraid that's going to actually happen? So here's a quick exercise you can do around that Take a moment and write down a recent situation where you felt pressured to manage your image. Then identify the underlying fear. Is it a fear of judgment, rejection or simply discomfort from being seen as imperfect? And then take some time and really reflect on that. And then take another step and begin to get curious about where did that feeling originally come from. What is the origin of that fear of rejection, of that fear of judgment? Where and when did that begin to show up in your life? And then, from that, begin to reframe it, because a lot of what we carry is from childhood or other painful life experiences where we weren't safe or didn't feel safe, and we develop these coping mechanisms. But as you begin to examine that your need for image management comes from not feeling safe, you can then begin to reframe it and begin to teach yourself that you are safe now You're not in that situation anymore. You're safe to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to be seen Now.

Jerry Henderson: 14:30

The second thing is to try to shift your focus from approval to authenticity. When we focus in on approval, we're often doing things for others rather than for ourselves, but when we shift our focus to authenticity, we prioritize showing up as our true selves. Right, and so that's the life that we want to try to live, right, not one that's just constantly trying to get the approval of others and doing things and acting in ways that we think will get their approval. But we want to begin to shift towards living an authentic life, which can feel very dangerous and very unsafe for people who've hidden behind an image for so long. And so be gentle with yourself, be kind to yourself. It's going to take time, it's going to take practice. It's rewiring your nervous system, okay, and as a part of this, to help you can remind yourself that your value doesn't come from other people's approval, right, Because other people's approval is very fickle. One day they're going to love us, the next day they're going to be upset with us, and so when we live our lives trying to get people's approval, we're going to be upset with us. And so when we live our lives trying to get people's approval, we're going to be on a constant roller coaster and we're also going to feel a lot of shame, right, because we're going to be frustrated with ourselves as to why we keep betraying ourselves and doing things that aren't authentically us. So keep reminding yourself that your value does not come from others' approval, but from being true to yourself, because it is you, the authentic you, that has the true value, right? Not the character that we build. That character has value to other people and, yes, it has a value to keeping us safe, but the true value of who you are is how you're made, who you are authentically inside.

Jerry Henderson: 16:16

Now the third thing that we can do to help deal with image management is to practice the scary practice of vulnerability with trusted people. And vulnerability is scary and it should feel scary because there's often a cost associated with it, right, a relational cost or an image cost. When I'm vulnerable, I'm laying out who I authentically am and people can reject that. They can accept that I'm also risking that image that I've worked so hard to build when I'm vulnerable. What happens? If people reject me, then they're rejecting the authentic person of who I am right, and that stings and that's one of the values right For many people to have the image is because if you reject the image that I present to you, that's okay in some sense right, because I know it's not authentically me.

Jerry Henderson: 17:04

But if I'm vulnerable and you see the authentic me and then you reject that, wow, that is scary, it's painful, it's risky, but here's the reality. It's a greater risk to live your life inauthentically, without vulnerability, to never be seen and to live trapped behind a version of yourself that's not actually you, than to be rejected by people who honestly to be really just, truly honest don't deserve you in their life. Right, if they're only going to accept a version of you that makes them happy, then they're really not a relationship. That's an authentic relationship and you deserve authentic relationships where you can be vulnerable. Now I want to be clear we don't practice this level of vulnerability with everybody. I always say to people you need at least one full, disclosing relationship in your life and sometimes you have to pay for that right With a coach or a therapist, but here's the truth you need to be able to have that type of relationship so that you can take the risk of being vulnerable, of being seen and then being met with empathy.

Jerry Henderson: 18:12

This is one of the greatest practices that can help you let go of that image management is to be vulnerable and to being met with empathy. This is one of the greatest practices that can help you let go of that image management is to be vulnerable and to be met with empathy. So here's a place to start with this Be open with at least one person like I. Shared that you trust, share some of your fears or your challenges, and do that without editing them. Right, we all do that like we're sharing a truth, but we edit it for the sake of appearance. Take the risk of sharing the fear or the challenges in a non-edited way, and you know when you're editing it and you know why you're editing it because you don't wanna be seen as bad or misunderstood, et cetera. But it's important at some point to find a relationship that you can be vulnerable with, because vulnerability is like a muscle the more you practice it, the easier it becomes to let go of that need for perfection and the safer it feels to step outside of the image that you spent so many years trying to build and trying to perfect. And here's a fourth tip I want to give you on this so many years trying to build and trying to perfect. And here's a fourth tip I want to give you on this Redefine self-worth beyond accomplishments, as we've been talking about in this series.

Jerry Henderson: 19:21

For many high achievers, their self-worth often becomes tied to what they do rather than who they are. And as a part of letting go of image management, we have to make a conscious effort to explore other aspects of our identity that have nothing to do with our accomplishments. Because as long as our image that we're trying to project is wrapped around our accomplishments, we're going to continue to try to push ourselves and drive ourselves to do more achievements. That leads to a bigger image that we've got to try to maintain, and then all of this can continue to keep us in that cycle of exhaustion and burnout. So here's a quick exercise you can try Try listing qualities about yourself beyond your achievements, things like kindness, empathy, resilience, creativity or whatever they are, and then remind yourself that these qualities about who you authentically are are valuable, regardless of what other people think. They're important because they're important to you and because they're an authentic piece of who you are. So, as a part of connecting with your authentic self, write out those things that you authentically value about yourself, whether or not you're letting other people see them right now or not, but write them out and allow yourself to see them, and as you see them and allow yourself to see them without judgment, it can begin to teach your system that you don't have to continue to hide those parts of yourself behind this image that you've worked so hard to create.

Jerry Henderson: 20:48

Now, another practical tip that I want to share with you about how to let go of image management is that if you need to detach from social media pressure, social media can be a breeding ground for image management, especially when you're constantly comparing yourself to other people. Now, not everybody struggles with this, but if you do, that's okay. I would encourage you to consider setting some boundaries with social media to reduce the urge to present a perfect version of yourself, or comparing yourself to the perfect version that other people are trying to put up there about themselves. Think about it. If you're trying to project a perfect image of yourself and you feel like it's not truly you, but it's an image that you're putting out for others to feel accepted, to feel worthy, to feel like you're enough, guess what? Other people are doing the exact same thing. The life that they're putting out there on social media is often not reality. So if you find that you have feelings of inadequacy where you feel like you're constantly comparing yourself, take a short break from social media and give yourself permission to unfollow accounts that trigger these feelings of inadequacy. You don't have to follow everybody, okay. It's okay to unfollow people and instead begin to follow accounts that encourage authenticity, that encourage self-acceptance, all right.

Jerry Henderson: 22:07

So now let's just begin to talk about some of the benefits of letting go of image management. Okay, when you release the need to control how others see you, what are you going to start to experience in your life? Well, one research shows that you're going to have greater mental freedom. Letting go of image management frees up mental energy. It allows you to focus in on what truly matters to you. You're going to spend less time worrying about what others think and you're going to have more time to spend on meaningful pursuits. Right, because your brain's not always up there wondering about what you need to present and what people think about you, etc. Etc. Your brain is going to be freed up and you're going to have more capacity to focus in on things that are more life-giving.

Jerry Henderson: 22:50

The second thing that's going to happen is you're going to begin to develop deeper, more authentic relationships, because when you're authentic, you're naturally going to attract people who appreciate you for who you are, not for who you're trying to be. Relationships will become more genuine and you're more likely to feel connected, accepted, seen and less isolated. And another thing that's going to happen as a result of having that mental freedom is that you're not going to feel as exhausted all the time because you're not carrying the burden. Right, because that mental and emotional burden does have an effect on us physically. Right, we're releasing all these chemicals, cortisol, adrenaline, etc. Etc. And all of that's taking a toll on us physically. We're stressed out all the time and, as a result of letting go of image management, you're physically going to feel like you have more energy because you're not tied up in spending all of your energy on managing your image.

Jerry Henderson: 23:46

Another thing that's going to start happening you're going to begin to develop a more enhanced sense of self-worth. As you redefine self-worth beyond others' approval, you'll find a new level of inner peace. Your self-worth becomes rooted in self-acceptance right, that thing that we're actually after, rather than the ever-changing opinions of others. And finally, you're just going to have an overall sense of peace in your life because you're going to be okay with you when you begin to accept yourself and you begin to let go of this image. You're going to get a deeper sense of peace. When you're with you, you're going to be more accepting of you, you're not going to have that internal war going on all of the time and you're going to be able to relax in your own presence, which is also going to reduce your overall waterline of anxiety that you have inside.

Jerry Henderson: 24:40

Now I want to encourage you with some of those benefits in mind. Of course there's others, but I want to encourage you. It is possible to let go of this constant need to manage your image, to manage how people see you, and to get free from the weight of living underneath all of that pressure. And I also want to remind you that letting go of image management is a journey. It's not about suddenly stopping it all at once okay, it's probably going to be one piece at a time that you begin to lay down about this image that you've been trying to project to other people.

Jerry Henderson: 25:13

Now, if you enjoyed today's episode, I want to encourage you to take a moment to follow or to subscribe, because that's going to keep you updated on when new episodes come out. Now, also, if you found this episode to be helpful for you in your journey, I want to encourage you to share it with somebody, because if it's made a difference in your life, it can make a difference in their life as well. Now, if you need resources to help you on your journey, I want to encourage you See the show notes in this episode, or simply go to my website at jerryhendersonorg. There, you can find more information about some downloads that I've created, and you can also learn more about my one-on-one coaching program. And finally, I want to remind you, as always, that you are worthy of your own love.