Permission to Love with Jerry Henderson
"Your relationship with yourself determines every other relationship in your life."
When we create a healthy relationship with ourselves, everything in our lives begins to transform.
Join us each week as we discuss topics such as overcoming shame, letting go of limiting beliefs, dealing with imposter syndrome, finding healthy motivators for achievement, transforming trauma, and learning how to practice self-love and self-acceptance.
The Permission to Love Podcast is dedicated to helping people have healthier relationships with themselves and find the permission to fully love and accept themselves.
About Jerry,
“When I realized I was the source of my own suffering, I realized I could also be the source of my own healing.”
Jerry is a Master Certified Transformational Mindset Coach, author, speaker, and host of The Permission to Love Podcast.
He works with high-achievers to help them create a happier, healthier, and more sustainable life grounded in self-acceptance and self-compassion.
Jerry has helped thousands of people have a healthier relationship with themselves and uncover the limiting beliefs keeping them from the life they so deeply desire and deserve.
He uses a combination of transformational mindset coaching, positive psychology, trauma-informed approaches, IFS, and NLP to remove limiting beliefs and connect with their authentic selves.
Jerry has an undergraduate degree in Political Science, an MBA in global business from the Thunderbird School of Global Management, and is currently completing his Master's degree in Psychology at Harvard University.
Before becoming a Transformational Coach, Jerry spent most of his career in Philanthropy, raising over $1 billion USD for not-for-profits. He is a survivor of childhood trauma and now helps individuals learn how to create the lives they want from a place of healthy motivators and remaining mentally, emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually healthy.
New episodes of The Permission to Love Podcast come out every Monday.
To learn more about Jerry, find additional resources, or submit a topic or question, check out: www.jerryhenderson.org
You can also connect with Jerry on Instagram: @jerryahenderson
Permission to Love with Jerry Henderson
Internal Family Systems and the High Achiever | The Healthy High Achiever Series
In this episode we explore how Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help high achievers heal their inner wounds, live more authentically, and find balance.
I discuss the IFS concept of parts, such as exiles, managers, and firefighters, and how understanding these roles can lead to profound self-compassion and healing.
This episode also includes a guided exercise for using IFS to connect with and heal your inner self.
Key Takeaways:
- Understanding IFS: Internal Family Systems identifies "parts" within us, our exiles (wounded parts), and our protective parts such as managers and firefighters and how they interact.
- High Achievers and IFS: Perfectionism and overachievement often stem from manager parts protecting exiles wounded by childhood trauma or societal messages.
- Steps to Healing: Recognize exiles, build a relationship with protective parts, and use self-energy to connect with and heal the wounded parts.
- Practical Exercise: A step-by-step IFS practice to help bring compassion and healing to their internal parts.
- The Journey to Wholeness: Healing takes time and patience. It's a non-linear process that requires self-compassion and possibly the help of a professional.
Resources Mentioned:
- IFS Guided Exercise: Practice connecting with your parts through a structured and compassionate approach.
- Free Download: Tools for self-healing available at jerryhenderson.org.
- One-on-One Coaching: Learn more about Jerry’s coaching services at jerryhenderson.org.
Time Stamps:
00:00 - Introduction to the episode and gratitude for listeners
02:20 - What is Internal Family Systems (IFS)? Understanding parts and self-energy
03:27 - Key roles in IFS: exiles, managers, and firefighters
05:38 - Positive intent of protective parts and their impact on high achievers
06:36 - Identifying high-achiever parts and the wounds they protect
08:33 - The wounded exile and its origin in trauma or societal messages
10:04 - Why high achievers develop manager roles
12:06 - Using IFS to heal: Recognizing and building relationships with parts
14:27 - Guided IFS practice for self-healing
16:29 - Offering protector parts new roles as healing progresses
19:52 - Connecting with and unburdening the exile part
21:44 - Providing corrective experiences to the wounded part
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Jerry
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Hello everybody and welcome to this episode of the Permission to Love podcast. I am your host, Jerry Henderson, and I'm grateful that you're here. You know this podcast is dedicated to helping people have a healthier relationship with themselves by learning how to love themselves, practice self-forgiveness, self-compassion, learn how to have a healthier relationship with other people, and all of it centered in on how to heal your relationship with yourself by understanding the impact of things like trauma, shame and other painful life experiences, how those things gave us a story and from that story, we live out our lives with these core beliefs and we create these actions in our life that reinforce those core beliefs. And so I just want to say that I'm grateful that you're here. I'm grateful that you're part of this community and doing the work to heal your relationship with yourself by learning that you are worthy of your own love. So thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey.
Jerry Henderson:Now, today, we're continuing our series on the healthy high achiever, and in this episode, I want to talk about internal family systems and how it can help high achievers live a more healthy, happier and more balanced life while achieving their goals. If you've been listening to my podcast for any amount of time. You know I'm a big fan of internal family systems, or IFS. It has been absolutely transformational for me and it's been very transformational with a lot of the clients that I work with. So in this episode, I want to talk specifically about how internal family systems can help us understand the inner parts of us that are driving our need for perfectionism and for high achievement. So in this episode, I want us to think about and address a few questions. Us to think about and address a few questions. One, what part of us, or what part of you, feels the need to be a high achiever, or feels a need to be perfect, or feels the need that you're only worthy if you achieve or accomplish certain things? I also want to address what is our need for achievement, or that part of us that feels like we need to be perfect? What is it trying to protect? And then, finally, how can we begin to heal the wounded part of us that our high achiever, our perfectionist, is actually shielding or trying to protect? So let's just take a moment and do a quick review of what is internal family systems.
Jerry Henderson:Well, the basic concept of internal family systems, or IFS is that we're made up of different parts. Right, we've all gone through experiencing this in some way or fashion, whether we've labeled it this or not. Right, we have conversations with ourselves about, hey, there's a part of me that's really stressed out and there's a part of me that really wishes I wouldn't talk to myself so harshly, but there's a part of me that beats me up all the time. And so IFS really recognizes that we have these different parts and we carry these roles, these emotions and these beliefs within us and they kind of interact with each other. Right, as I said before, we would say things to ourselves like there's a part of me that beats me up, there's a part of me that wishes I wouldn't beat myself up. There's a part of me that feels shameful about what I did and there's a part of me that wants to forgive myself for what happened. There's a part of me that feels like I need to be perfect. There's a part of me that feels like I'm only going to be lovable and acceptable if I achieve certain things. And so we have all of this going on inside of us and, once again, ifs recognizes that and works to bring healing to the various parts of ourselves.
Jerry Henderson:Now, at the core of IFS is the self. It is our true nature. It is the embodiment of things like calm, compassion, clarity, and the self, or self-energy, is the key part of what brings healing to us. It is the part of us, it is the authentic self that we connect with as a part of what brings healing to us. It is the part of us that is the authentic self that we connect with as a part of internal family systems and allow that part of ourselves to recognize the parts of us that are protective and we'll get into that in just a minute and part of us that is exiled or feels the shame or the wound, and recognizing and understanding and connecting with the self is a key part of healing.
Jerry Henderson:Now, some of the other key roles or parts of us as identified within IFS is the exile right, the part of us that carries deep wounds like shame, fear or feelings of unworthiness, and this is the part of us that has often gotten wounded through things like childhood trauma or other painful life experiences, and then, as a result of that pain, we develop protector parts, and these protector parts can show up as managers that strive to keep us safe, for example, the development of perfectionism or overachievement, and this is the part that we integrate in our daily life right. So, if we're afraid to be seen because there's a wounded part of us that has a fear of what being seen means, and when we were seen, it was unsafe we may develop a manager that works on a daily basis to keep us at a distance from people, is afraid of vulnerability, and creates systems and and processes and often at a subconscious level to keep us from being seen. Now, the other protector part of us is called the firefighter, and this is the part that gets activated as a result of a trigger. Right, it's an extreme part of us that, once we get triggered, we feel unsafe. Something happens, we begin to act out. This might be the part of us that goes out and gets drunk. This might be the part of us that goes out and gets drunk. This might be the part of us that blows up. It's the part of us that is an extreme part, that is trying to soothe the emotional pain through a very reactive coping mechanism.
Jerry Henderson:Now it's important to understand that our managing parts and our firefighter parts, these protective parts of us, always have positive intention. They're always trying to keep us safe, and that's why I often talk about how things like shame or addictions are trying to serve us. They're trying to keep us safe. The intention is very positive, but the effects are not always positive. Right, the physical, emotional, mental, relational effects are not always positive, but the intent is positive and if we can understand and see that the need for us to be an overachiever or to be a perfectionist is a positive intent, that it's trying to serve us in some way, it can really shift the way that we see that part of us and we can get out of self-judgment and get into self-energy, authentic, loving self-energy, because it's the energy of love from ourselves to ourselves that is really going to bring tremendous healing in this area.
Jerry Henderson:Now it's important to understand that for many high achievers, they often have strong manager parts. They're trying to protect the exile part of them that is holding the belief that I'm unworthy of love unless I achieve. So as we continue on in this episode, I want you to begin right now to go inward for just a minute and try to identify the part of you that's the high achiever, the perfectionist, and the part of you that maybe overreacts when you feel like that you're not being perfect, or that you're not accomplishing all the things that you think that you need to be, or you really begin to feel unworthy of love, or you feel like an imposter, etc. So, when all those things are happening, what part of you might feel unworthy of love unless you prove yourself, unless you show that through your efforts, through your accomplishments, that you are worthy of acceptance and love? So just take a moment, try to connect with those parts of yourself, the part that feels like it has to achieve, and then the part that feels unworthy of love unless you achieve. So now let's just take a moment and talk about that wounded, exile, or the part of us that we've tried to dismiss.
Jerry Henderson:Now the exile is often a part of us that we're wanting to hide, that we're ashamed of, that we're trying to push aside and thus the name exile that we don't want to be seen as weak or we don't want to be seen as vulnerable. We don't want to be put in a position where we're going to get hurt again. So we exile a part of us, or parts of us that we feel like are wounded, carrying shame, that we might even be ashamed of, and we're trying to hide that part of us dismiss it. But the challenge is it's still there, it's still a part of us and it needs healing. And for many of us, we often are trying to address the protector part of us. Right, we're trying to address the part of us that feels like an imposter. We're trying to address the part of us that's a workaholic.
Jerry Henderson:All of those symptoms right, that's why I often talk about those things are symptoms, and underneath all those things that we often go to therapy for, we go to coaching for right, I need to figure out how to have more healthy relationships, I need to figure out how to be more present, all of those things, as we examine them, we'll find that underneath what the real issue is is a wounded part of us that we've exiled, that we've developed some shame around, that we're not giving voice to, that we're not meeting the needs of, and so that part of us sits there wounded and then, when the wound gets activated, we go into extreme behaviors. But the reality is that's the part of us that needs to be healed, that needs to be addressed, and there's a whole process of allowing our protective parts to relax so that self-energy can connect with the wounded part of us. And that takes time and it requires building trust between these parts of ourselves, right, trust that was broken within us because, as I often share, trauma fragments our relationship with ourself. Right, we have ourself, then we have the wounded part or the exile part, then we have these protector or manager parts, and so all of that's working inside of us to try to keep us safe, and so we have to learn how do we build trust among all of these parts so that we can become our own healers. So now let's just take a moment and talk about the wounded exile behind this need that we have for achievement or overachievement. And why does that develop within us?
Jerry Henderson:And, as we've talked about in other episodes, early childhood experiences that are traumatic or, as we've talked about before, aces. Adverse childhood experiences or societal messages can lead to feelings of inadequacy, not enoughness, and we feel like that, in order for us to be enough to be loved, to be accepted, we have to achieve, we have to prove ourselves, and the exile may have internalized beliefs like I have to earn love by being the best. If I fail, I will be rejected. If I fail, it'll prove to myself and other people that I'm a fraud, that I'm unworthy of love. If people see me for who I am, they won't love me. And that exile carries that fear, that shame of who they are, that comes from those early childhood experiences that created those messages and those narratives and that part of us continues to carry it.
Jerry Henderson:And then, for the high achiever, the manager role of the high achiever takes over to shield the exile from re-experiencing these wounds. Right, I'm going to prove that I am enough. I'm going to show myself and everybody else that I am worthy of love. And it believes that constant achievement will protect you from shame or feelings of being unworthy, because it's trying to get the attention off of ourselves and off of that exile part and onto the achievements. And the challenge is without healing, this dynamic is going to lead to burnout. It is going to lead to disconnection from our true selves and from other people because we're hiding behind our need for achievement. And so, while that manager part of being a high achiever or an overachiever's intent is to keep us safe, the effect winds up with workaholism, burnout, relational isolation and then isolation from ourselves. So how can we use IFS, internal family systems and this concept of parts to help heal our wounded exile?
Jerry Henderson:Ifs offers a compassionate framework for us to connect with both this high achieving, manager part of us and the wounded exile that it's trying to protect. The healing process involves recognizing the exile. What feelings or beliefs is the manager trying to suppress or trying to protect? As we've shared before, some of those common beliefs that are carried by the exile include I'm not enough If I rest and if I let off the gas, I'll fail. I'll be judged If I don't get it done perfectly. People are going to see that I'm not perfect and that then cascades into catastrophizing thinking right that they'll reject me, they won't love me and I'll be alone and I'll be isolated. So, as a part of the work, it is key to recognize the exile. What part of us are we trying to protect?
Jerry Henderson:The second part of the work is beginning to build a relationship with the manager part of us, the high achieving part of us, and approach it with curiosity and with love. Asking the part of us that feels the need to be such a high achiever what are you trying to protect me from? What would happen if you didn't work so hard to achieve? What are you afraid of if you don't accomplish these things? What's the worst case scenario that's going to happen if you're not able to prove to yourself and to others that you're worthy of love. Be curious about it, have a conversation with that part of yourself so that you can understand its intention. And then you can begin to reframe your relationship with that part of yourself and, instead of beating yourself up for being an overachiever or being a perfectionist, you can begin to greet it with love, seeing how it's trying to serve you, how it's trying to keep you safe, and build a loving relationship with that part of yourself. And then, as you're doing that, one of the practices that you can do is ask that protective part of you the perfectionist, the high achiever can you have permission to connect with the part of yourself that feels wounded? Can you have the permission to connect with the part of yourself that feels the shame? Ask the high achieving part of yourself to relax for a moment, to step back and allow you to have access to the part of yourself to relax for a moment, to step back and allow you to have access to the part of you that's carrying the pain.
Jerry Henderson:And then from there is the work of introducing the self to the exile part, to allowing the exile part of us to see where we're at currently. Right, because often we're trapped in whatever age or state that we were when we experienced the trauma that's driving the need for protection and the need for high achievement. And that part of us feels very unsafe still and it doesn't even know often that we're adults, that we're here, we're okay, we're safe now it still feels unsafe, and so a part of the work is allowing the self to greet that part of the exile, as the protector has allowed us permission, as with compassion, and to let it know that you're safe now and begin to bring healing to that part of yourself. And the beautiful part of this work with internal family systems is, once that part of you that's exiled, that's wounded, that's carrying the shame, begins to be healed by you bringing your healing energy and your love to that part of yourself, the protector part of you no longer needs to protect the wound because the wound is beginning to heal. And here's something that's really important to understand right, the protector parts of us are typically exhausted. They've been working so darn hard to manage our lives, to try to keep us safe, to try to be perfect, to achieve, and so they're exhausted and the reality is they don't want to continue that role anymore, right, you don't want to continue that role anymore, trying to be the high achiever, trying to prove yourself all the time. And the beautiful thing is is, as you begin to heal the part that all of that is trying to protect, then the protector parts can begin to relax and you can actually give them other jobs to do. That's a part of the internal family system process.
Jerry Henderson:Right Is, once that protector begins to relax, realize that it's not needed in that way anymore, it can begin to relax and then you can offer it a different job. You can begin to become curious about what that part of you would rather do than trying to protect the exile all the time. So, with all of that in mind, I'd like to give you a guided IFS exercise for you to be able to walk through, to be able to meet that high achieving part of you with grace and love and compassion, and then to begin the healing process with that exiled part of you. So let me just take a moment and walk you through what those steps would look like. Number one is beginning to ground yourself in self-energy, close your eyes, begin to go within, start to connect with the part of you that is calm, compassionate, that authentic self within. It is calm, compassionate, that authentic self within. Take some deep breaths, just relax and begin to connect with the part of you that is your authentic self.
Jerry Henderson:The second part is begin to meet that high-achieving manager, that part of you that feels like you're only enough if you achieve. Imagine that part of you, connect with it internally, that feels the need to be perfect, and ask it what are you afraid of would happen if you stopped striving? What are you trying to protect from from Be curious about it? Shift the energy away from judgment to loving curiosity and then begin to thank it for all of its hard work and let it know that you're here to support it. Thank it for all of the times it's tried to keep you safe, but let it know that you need a different path moving forward, that this process isn't serving any of your parts anymore.
Jerry Henderson:Take a moment and recognize how tired this part of you must be. And then take a moment and ask that part of you if it's okay for you, as self, self-energy, to access and connect with the exiled, wounded part of you. And it's important to not proceed until you really feel like you have that permission from that part of yourself. As you meet that part of yourself, the protector, with love and compassion and you show the positive intent that you have to bring true healing instead of condemnation and shame and more judgment towards yourself, wait for that part of you to open up to you. Wait for that part of you to allow you to have access, because that part might still feel very unsafe and as long as it feels unsafe, it's going to jump back in. It's going to take back over right. All of the fears are going to come back up about why you need to achieve and how you need to prove yourself, and so it's important to get authentic permission from that protector part of yourself before you start to access the exile, the part of you that's wounded. So if it takes multiple times for this to happen, that's okay. We're not here to rush the process. We're here to bring love and healing to all the parts of us the parts of us that have maybe not brought such positive effects to us. The parts of us, the parts of us that have maybe not brought such positive effects to us, the parts of us that are still carrying the wounds. The authentic self, part of us. All of it. We're wrapping in love, compassion and understanding and patience.
Jerry Henderson:Now, once you've received the permission, the next step is to then connect with the exile. Gently, turn toward the exiled part of you, the part that's carrying the feeling that it's not enough, that it has to be perfect in order to be loved, and ask that part of yourself what age is it? What are you feeling? What do you need to feel loved and to feel safe? What wounds are you carrying? Let the exile express its pain, its shame and its fear, without any judgment at all. This is very important. We're not going to judge any of it. We're going to allow these parts of us to express themselves without any judgment. We're just going to observe, we're going to listen and, in return, we're going to meet those part of ourselves with love.
Jerry Henderson:Now the next step is, once you've heard from that part of you that's exiled and you've heard the burden that it's carrying as the self from self-energy, offer the exile words of love and reassurance. Let that part of you know that it is enough just as it is, and then let yourself know, right, that you are enough as you are, because, as I mentioned before, the exile often feels trapped, at whatever age the trauma was experienced, and so you need to let that part of you know that it's enough. And then you need to let that part of you know that you're enough, that you're, whatever age you are right now, and that you're safe and that you're okay. And then let the exile know that you don't have to achieve to be loved, you don't have to prove yourself in order to be worthy of love, that you are worthy of love inherently because you exist. And then let that part of you know that you're sorry for what happened to you.
Jerry Henderson:Begin in this moment to give a corrective experience to that part of yourself. This is a key part of the internal family system's work is giving ourselves corrective experiences. It's about allowing the protector to step back so that we can hear the pain, the burden that the exile is carrying, and then give that part of ourselves a corrective and loving experience. Meet that part of you in the way that you wish you would have been met with love, with protection, with compassion, with kindness and with support. Take time to actually visualize yourself doing this. See the person that you are now giving that younger part of you that experience, and let that part of you know that it is safe, that you're safe. And what you're doing here is you're helping unburden that part of yourself from the shame, from the need to hide. And you're doing here is you're helping unburden that part of yourself from the shame, from the need to hide, and you're letting that part of you know that you don't want it to hide anymore, that you're not going to force it to hide anymore, that it doesn't need to any longer, that it can come out of hiding and that you're going to meet that part of you with love instead of meeting that part of you with shame. And I think, as you engage in this exercise of meeting yourself in this way, you're going to begin to feel lighter, you're going to begin to feel more at peace, you're going to begin to experience love from yourself to yourself and you're going to begin to experience the healing that you authentically need. It's going to allow the high achiever to relax and you're going to begin to see your value in who you are, not in what you do.
Jerry Henderson:Now, before I move on, I do want to make a couple of notes. Number one it's not always a linear process. I described it as steps and somewhat as a linear process, but it doesn't always unfold that way, and that's okay. The second thing is it can often take more than one time of doing this right. It's not a one and done exercise. We may have to go through this multiple times to bring healing, to allow the protector to relax, to allow the exile to feel love, to be able to truly connect with our self-energy.
Jerry Henderson:Okay, this is a journey. It's not something to be rushed. If it takes five times, six times, if it takes a year, however long it takes it takes, you are worthy of the time, you're worthy of the patience and you deserve the work that it takes to bring healing to these beautiful parts of yourself. Now, the other note I want to make sure you hear is if you need help in walking through this journey, please get the help that you need, because this type of work can bring up a lot and it's often very helpful to have somebody who can work with you through this experience. So, if you need help in working through these types of exercises connecting with those parts of yourself, please get the help that you need. Work with somebody who has experience in this area and allow them to be a safe place for you to process this. Okay Now, if you found today's episode helpful, I want to encourage you to share it with somebody else, because if it was helpful for you, it'll be helpful for them, and you never know the impact that it'll make in their life.
Jerry Henderson:If you've not yet had a chance to rate or review the podcast, I would invite you to do that, because the more ratings and reviews the podcast gets, the more likely people are to hear about it and to learn how they can heal their relationship with themselves. Now, if you need resources to help you on your journey, I want to encourage you to see the show notes in this episode, and I also want to encourage you to go to my website at jerryhendersonorg. I have a free download there that you can get, and you can also learn more about my one-on-one coaching services. And finally, as we close out, I want to remind you, as always, that you are worthy of your own love.
