How to Talk Yourself into Changing | Stop the Self-Sabotage and Get Unstuck

Today’s episode will change the way you speak to yourself—and what that inner dialogue creates in your life.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure about how to make lasting change, this conversation is for you. You're going to learn the surprising science behind self-talk and motivation—plus how to shift the language inside your mind so it starts working for you, not against you.

Change can begin with one powerful shift: changing the conversation inside your head. And this episode breaks it all down.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• What “change talk” and “sustain talk” actually are—and why they matter so much
• The #1 ratio that predicts whether you'll succeed in changing your life
• The neuroscience behind how words create action (or self-sabotage)
• Four powerful strategies to shift your internal language starting today
• How to disarm shame, fear, and self-doubt using evidence-based mindset tools
• What to do when your inner critic or others around you reinforce your stuckness
• Simple daily practices to rewire your brain for lasting transformation

Whether you're trying to break an old pattern, start something new, or just feel better in your own skin, this episode gives you the roadmap—and the voice—you need.

If you're serious about growth, listen until the end and take notes.

Want help applying this? Schedule your free coaching strategy call at jerryhenderson.org

CHAPTERS

00:00 – Welcome to Personal Mastery
01:04 – The Most Overlooked Ratio That Predicts Change
03:02 – What Is “Change Talk” vs. “Sustain Talk”?
05:02 – The Science Behind Why Your Words Shape Your Life
08:47 – Why Gratitude Can Sometimes Keep You Stuck
10:55 – What the Research Says About Inner Dialogue
12:52 – 4 Strategies to Shift From Sustain to Change Talk
17:24 – Common Barriers: Shame, Identity, and External Noise
21:10 – You Are Worthy of Trying Again
22:53 – A Daily Practice to Rewire Your Self-Talk
24:48 – Final Takeaway and Coaching Invitation

I am grateful you are here,
Jerry

Setup Your FREE Strategy Call:
Schedule Call

Watch On Youtube

Website:
www.jerryhenderson.org

How is your relationship with yourself going?
Get your free-self assessment guide

Pick up your copy of my book:
Returning: Meditations and Reflections on Self-Love and Healing

Get Your Free Weekly Tips!

Instagram: @jerryahenderson

Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/jerryahenderson

Disclaimer

Transcript

Jerry Henderson: 0:00

Hello everybody and welcome to Personal Mastery. I'm your host, jerry Henderson, and if you're ready to create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside, you're in the right place. Let's get started. I am so excited to dig into today's episode. Why? Because we're going to be talking about what is a key ratio, a key measure in our life that is a leading indicator of whether or not we're going to be able to make the changes that we want to make and sustain those changes. You know I always talk about that the most important relationship that we have in our life is the one that we have with ourselves, and then I follow that up with how is that relationship going? And here's the truth for so many of us, we don't have any measures that we've put in place or any indicators that we're tracking on how our relationship with ourself is going Well. Today, I'm gonna give you a key measure, a key indicator that can not only help you understand where your relationship is with yourself, but you can also use it as a key measure, a key indicator, like I said earlier, on whether or not you're going to make change in your life and sustain that change. And what is that key ratio? What is that key measure? It is your ratio between your change talk and your sustained talk. You might be asking well, what the heck are those things? Well, don't worry, we're going to get into it. By the time you're done with this episode, you're going to understand what it is, the science behind it, and how you can begin to engage in more change talk versus staying stuck in sustained talk, because here's something that's really important and I want you to understand it at the beginning of this episode that you can literally talk yourself into change and you can also talk yourself into staying stuck. You see, most people don't realize why they stay stuck and they don't realize how they can get unstuck. Well, this ratio that we're talking about today, the difference between your change talk and your sustained talk is one of the key measures, key items, key things in your life that's going to help you get unstuck. Now, before we jump into the rest of this episode, I want to encourage you, if you haven't done so already, to take a moment to follow or to subscribe to this podcast, because I don't want you to miss out on a single episode. Also, if you've not yet had a chance to share this with somebody else. Please do so, because if this podcast is making a difference in your life, it'll make a difference in their life as well. And I also just want to say thank you so much for being here, for being such loyal listeners and for building a community where we're learning how to create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside. So let's dig into the difference between change, talk and sustain talk, and to give you an example of this, let me ask you a question.

Jerry Henderson: 3:02

Have you ever found yourself saying I want to eat better, but I just don't have time? Or I know I should leave this job. I know there's better opportunities out there for me, but it pays the bills and I'm not quite sure what I would do if I left. Or I want to learn how to have a healthier relationship with myself. I want to learn how to create a life that feels good on the inside as it does on the outside, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm uniquely broken. Maybe I'm the one person who'll never be able to change. Or I want to get into a relationship with somebody that's healthy, but I'm not so sure that there's anybody out there for me. I've tried before and it hasn't worked. I'll just wind up getting hurt again, or maybe it's. I want to stop drinking because I know it's unhealthy for me, it's having an impact on my life, but all my friends drink and if I don't drink, people think I'm odd and I'm going to miss out on all these social opportunities. And it helps me with my anxiety, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Well, if you've ever engaged in that internal tug of war, you've experienced change talk and sustain talk. The change talk is I want to eat better, I want to get healthy, I want to feel better. The sustain talk is but I just don't have time. I've tried to get in shape before and it hasn't worked for me.

Jerry Henderson: 4:25

And here's the key to making change. The key to making change is moving away from that sustained talk, that mental conversation that we have that convinces us to stay where we are. It's that bargaining that we do in our brain. We know we want change, we know we want a better future, but then we start to talk ourselves out of it. Now, for many of us, we think it's no big deal. But here's the truth, here's the research on it. It absolutely is a big deal and it is absolutely a key indicator, like I said earlier, of whether or not you're going to make change.

Jerry Henderson: 5:02

So let's dive into this even further. What happens is when we engage in change talk I want to make the change, my life can be better, I'm worthy of more. What that's doing is it's actually activating the approach side of our brain and I've talked about our approach system in other episodes and when that approach system is getting activated through change talk, it begins to move us towards the changes that we want to make. You're actually lighting up portions of your brain, releasing chemicals, releasing internal motivation and momentum towards the things that you want to achieve, the things that you want to manifest in your life. Change talk favors movement, growth, action. When you're saying things like I really want to feel stronger, I'm ready to try something new, I'm ready to find a life-giving relationship, I'm ready to start that business, I want to create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside, those small statements are the seeds of change. And when we're talking like that, we're not only putting it out into the world, putting it out into the universe, we're also activating the part of our brain, as I said, that begins to move us towards the changes that we want to make.

Jerry Henderson: 6:24

Now, on the other hand, sustained talk is everything you say that supports you staying exactly where you are. Like I said earlier, it's that language. Right, I've always been this way. I wouldn't even know where to start. Maybe things aren't as bad, maybe I should just feel grateful and just be happy for what I have. Yes, we should all be grateful. Yes, we should all be happy for what we have. But here's something I want to point out about that when we phrase it that way, it actually can become sustained talk. What do I mean by that?

Jerry Henderson: 7:00

Gratitude does not mean that we don't move towards change. Gratitude does recognize the blessings and the goodness that we have in our life, but what actually can happen is, when we say it that way maybe I should just be grateful for what I have it actually moves your brain away from the approach system and puts it into the avoid system. Because let me explain this you see, you can be grateful for what you have and not have that language of well, maybe I should just be grateful for what I have, versus I'm so grateful for what I have. Two different ways of saying it and two different sets of energy around what's being said. We can actually hide our fear of failure. We can actually hide our unwillingness to change behind the language of maybe I should just be grateful for what I have. You can be grateful for what you have and still move towards the life that you want and, as a matter of fact, being grateful for what you have is a key part of moving you towards the life that you want to have. But let's not hide behind that language of maybe I should just be grateful for what I have as an act of surrender, as an act of not moving forward. I hope that makes sense. There's a key difference in that and the language of gratitude for some people can actually be sustained talk versus change talk. If we were to use gratitude in the change talk space, it would sound more like I'm so grateful for what I have, the blessings that I have, and I'm so grateful for the new opportunities that are coming my way. I'm so grateful that I have the tools and the things that I need to create the life that I want to live.

Jerry Henderson: 8:47

Once again, very different language, very different energy and very different results. Now let me just quickly say something. Having both of those voices is normal. We all have them. We all have the voice that says I want to make change, and we all have the voice that tries to talk, want to make change, and we all have the voice that tries to talk us out of that change. But what I really want to drive home is the ratio between them. That ratio tells us a lot. It tells us how ready we are to actually change. And the people who make changes, the people who create success in their life, absolutely are more mindful of their change talk, sustain talk ratio and engage in more change talk. They've learned to hear the voice of sustain talk and they've made a conscious choice to move away from it and create more change talk in their life. So let's just take a quick moment and talk about what the research says about this.

Jerry Henderson: 9:49

Research shows that the more a person verbalizes change talk aka the reasons, the desires, the abilities that you have and the commitment that you have for change, the more likely you are to follow through. In fact, a big research study was done that shows that change talk predicted behavior change across domains from addiction recovery to weight loss, etc. And why is this? Well, it's because language isn't just descriptive, it's generative. When you articulate possibility, your brain begins reinforcing it, and when you voice doubt, your brain is rehearsing stagnation or stuckness. And the neuroscience calls this self-persuasion. And, as it turns out, we're actually more likely to follow through on the ideas that we verbalize, the reasons that we have for change, versus when we're told to do them by other people. So eliciting change talk within yourself is actually talking yourself in to changing.

Jerry Henderson: 10:55

Now let's just talk a little bit more about why this ratio matters so much. I want you to think of your internal dialogue like a scale, and if your internal monologue is 70% sustained talk, you're going to keep feeling stuck, you're going to feel ambivalent, which is that tug of war between should I change, should I not change, do I really know what I should do or shouldn't do, et cetera, and you're going to stay feeling overwhelmed about the changes that you want to make. But here's the incredible thing that can happen If you'll gradually start to tip the balance towards change. Talk even increasing it by 5% to 10% makes a huge difference, and what we want to do is we want to start tipping that ratio over the 50% marker. We want to get it towards 55, 60% and greater eventually, but just getting it to that stage really is a predictor of change, and you're going to notice that your motivation starts increasing and your resistance to change starts softening.

Jerry Henderson: 11:56

Now let me just be clear about something this isn't about totally eliminating sustained talk, because sustained talk, that voice, it often contains some really legitimate fears and real barriers that we want to be curious about. And we also don't want to judge our sustained talk, we don't want to beat ourselves up over it, but what we do want to do is get curious about the sustained talk, notice it, witness it and then start addressing those fears that are behind it. And then start shifting ourselves towards and creating momentum around what we want to do, by eliciting or drawing forth that change talk, both within us, by the thoughts that we think, the voice that we repeat in our head, and then also by the words that we say out of our mouth. So now, how do we start to shift from sustained talk to change talk? Well, here's four practical strategies that you can use. Number one catch and name it.

Jerry Henderson: 12:52

First step in change always awareness, right, and the moment you hear yourself say I've always failed at this pause and label it as sustained talk. And what this is helping us do? It's helping us disidentify from that voice, creating a little bit of a gap between us and it. So much of behavior change is to disidentify ourselves from the behavior, because we can get trapped in the loop of thinking that because we think a thought or because we say something, or because we believe something or because we do something, that's who we actually are. And when we think that that's who we are, versus its thoughts, behaviors and actions, not us we become identified with our patterns, and we want to move away from being identified with our patterns to labeling those patterns so that we can see them, observe them and then feel empowered to start making the changes that we want to make. Once we begin to catch and name our sustained talk, we can then move into the second thing, which is reflect on it with curiosity. Ask yourself, what is this voice trying to protect me from? Because here's the truth Often, sustained talk is rooted in fear, as we talked about earlier Fear of failing, fear of losing control or fear of stepping into the unknown, and it also can be a fear about that identity that I just talked about.

Jerry Henderson: 14:17

We get stuck and trapped in identity of our pain, our behaviors, our trauma, et cetera, and when that's all we know about ourselves and that's how we interact with others and the world, it becomes really scary to start moving away from that. And that's why we'll often try to keep ourselves stuck in those patterns. And one of the ways we keep ourselves stuck in the patterns is through that sustained talk. Now the next step that we can move into is to gently reframe that narrative or that talk. Take a sustained talk phrase like man, I really want to exercise because I know it's good for me, but I'm just too tired after work to exercise. Try reframing that into I want to move my body and I'm still figuring out how to do it after work. You see that little bit of energy change that word and instead of but is really important. It keeps your brain open the word, but starts to shut it down, whereas and keeps it open and that phrase in and of itself of I want to move my body, change talk. I'm still figuring it out change talk. Those are both change talk phrases versus I'm too tired after work to exercise. See the difference there, feel the energy shift and how that works. And that's a gentle process, because we don't want to get into shaming, we don't want to get into self-judgment, we want to keep ourselves open because, remember, shaming and self-judgment closes us down to ourselves. We can't access the parts of us that need healing, that need transformation, that need the motivation to move forward in the ways that we want to move forward.

Jerry Henderson: 15:57

Now, the final thing I want to mention in this episode and I do want to say that this is not a comprehensive list this is just some tips for this episode. But the next thing I want to point out that you can do to move yourself from sustained talk to change talk is use future-focused language. Even subtle shifts here really matter. Move from I can't to I haven't yet I can't figure out how to do this thing at work. Move that to I haven't figured it out yet.

Jerry Henderson: 16:30

One is limiting. Another elicits curiosity and keeps us open. Another example is move from this is who I am, this is just who I've always been, to this is who I have been. This is how I kept myself safe, this is what I have been familiar with Very different language. Once again, one is limiting. One still keeps the door open for opportunity. Another example move from I'll never to. What if I could? I'll never find the right partner for me. I'll never find love to. What if I could find the right partner for me? What if I could? I'll never find the right partner for me. I'll never find love to. What if I could find the right partner for me? What if I could figure out how to love and be loved? Once again, we're keeping the language around curiosity, openness, and we're activating the approach side of our brain versus the avoid side of our brain.

Jerry Henderson: 17:24

Now, really quickly, I just want to talk about some common barriers that people often face as they're trying to make this shift from change talk to sustain talk. Number one is that people often fear that they're giving themselves false hope. Right, you've been disappointed so many times in the changes that you want to make that you don't want to set yourself up for it, and it becomes a protective factor for you to keep that sustained language, as we've hinted to throughout this episode, and what can happen is change talk can actually feel risky to you. It can feel risky to your nervous system, like you're setting yourself up for more failure, more disappointment. But here's something I want to encourage you in Refusing to voice your hope. It doesn't protect you, it starves you. Let me say that again Refusing to voice your hope doesn't protect you. It actually starves you.

Jerry Henderson: 18:16

And here's the truth about the change that happens in so many people's lives. You know what it is. They tried one more time, even though they felt like giving up on themselves, even though they felt hopeless about the changes they wanted to make, they still tried one more time. They didn't allow themselves to abandon hope and they didn't allow themselves to abandon hope for themselves, and they just kept coming back to the possibility that change can happen. Let me just say this to you today you might have tried to change 100 times, 110. Me just say this to you today you might have tried to change 100 times, 110 times or whatever that number is. What if it's the 111th time that the change actually sticks? Because, once again, here's the truth Change always happens from trying one more time.

Jerry Henderson: 19:05

Now, another barrier that many people often face in moving from sustained talk to change talk is the shame that they carry from their past attempts. We just talked about that for just a moment, about the getting your hopes up part, but this is a little bit different in the fact that shame begins to build that as your identity and it begins to activate your inner critic. And your inner critic might be using sustained talk to protect you from trying again. But can I encourage you that every time you try again, you're not starting over. You're starting from experience. You're starting from the lessons from the last time that you tried and it didn't work out the way that you wanted it to or expected it to, and you can take that experience into the future. Remember we never fail as long as we keep trying. When we don't succeed as something, it can either be looked at as failure or it can be looked at as an opportunity to grow, figure out what didn't work and apply those lessons to the next time that we give it another swing. And can I encourage you even further Please give yourself the permission to let go of the shame that you feel around all the times that you've tried to change in the past but you feel like you weren't able to do it, because even the attempt to try to change is a win.

Jerry Henderson: 20:31

Every single person tries and doesn't succeed, then has to get back up and try again. It's the pattern of humanity we don't win it on the first try and what we often see from people is their external. What they want to show us that they look like they tried on the first time and were able to do it. That's just not how it works, folks, and I want to encourage you please give yourself permission to release any shame from the past attempts of trying to change and the quote unquote failures around that. You are worthy of one more try. You are worthy of one more try. You are worthy of one more attempt.

Jerry Henderson: 21:10

Now, another barrier that people face of making this shift is other people, external noise, because as you commit to a change, you might be surrounded by people who are going to reinforce your sustained talk and instead of eliciting or drawing out change talk from you, they're going to try to draw out and reinforce your sustained talk. They're going to say things like are you sure that's realistic? You've tried that before and it didn't work out for you. All of that talk is going to keep us stuck in our own sustained talk, and so this is why it becomes really important Let me just say that again, because I cannot communicate this enough it is really important, vitally important, that if you want to make change, to surround yourself with voices that echo and elicit your change talk, not your doubts. You need people who can encourage you and champion you, and if you don't have that in your life, find it. Don't let yourself stay stuck in sustained talk around changing your relationships. Begin to engage in change talk and finding relationships that are going to help you change. And if you need to hire a coach who can help you with that, that's one of the key parts of coaching and that work is to help elicit change talk so that individuals can find their own internal motivation, which is so much more sustainable than external motivation. So, whatever you have to do to find a way to get people around you who are gonna elicit and echo your change talk, do it.

Jerry Henderson: 22:53

So in today's episode we've talked about the importance of change talk, the ratio of change talk versus sustained talk, how we can begin to draw out change talk from within us, some of the barriers that we're going to face as we do it, and I hope that all of this information has helped you and inspired you to begin to talk yourself into the change that you want to make in your life, and a practical thing that you can do as you're beginning to make this change is to reflect in the evening about that ratio is to reflect in the evening about that ratio. Begin to examine your day how often did you engage in sustained talk versus how often did you elicit and engage in change talk? Because awareness of that will help us start to shift the balance. And, once again, the ratio of those two things the research is very clear is a massive predictor in whether or not we're going to make change in our life. Now another quick, practical tip Take 60 seconds today and journal five pieces of change talk about something that you're working on.

Jerry Henderson: 24:01

Just do five. Write down five change talk phrases that you can use about whatever area it is that you're working on, and then revisit that by looking at it in the morning, midday and then at the end of your day. If that exercise feels like a lot of work to you and you start to say things like, yeah, I want to do that, but man, that sounds like a lot of time. Notice, yes, I want to do that change talk, but that sounds like a lot of time. Notice, yes, I want to do that change talk, but that sounds like a lot of time. Sustain talk, you're worthy of doing this work. Okay, now if you want some help in doing that work. I want to encourage you to set up a free strategy. Call with me and we can connect and see if working together is the right fit. You can do that by either seeing the show notes in this episode or by simply going to my website at jerryhendersonorg.

Jerry Henderson: 24:48

So remember your words are not neutral. They shape the actions that you take or don't take, and so the next time you feel stuck, overwhelmed or unsure, listen to the language that you're using and if it's pulling you towards possibility or your approach system, do more of that. And if it's anch you towards possibility or your approach system, do more of that. And if it's anchoring you to your past and activating all that energy that makes you want to avoid change, let's work on reducing that by replacing it with change talk and I guarantee you, as that shift starts to happen, you're going to start seeing shifts in the way that you feel about yourself, the way you feel inside, the way that you see others, the way that you see this world and the things that are showing up in your life. Well, thank you for listening to Personal Mastery today. I want to remind you that you are worthy of creating a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.