How to Actually Create Happiness - It's Not What You Think

Most people never feel truly happy—despite success, comfort, or achievement. Why? Because they’re chasing the wrong thing.

In this episode of Personal Mastery, Harvard-trained coach and researcher, Jerry Henderson shares the real reason happiness feels elusive—and what to do instead. 

You’ll learn why happiness isn’t something you find, but something you create—as a byproduct of a deeply fulfilling life.

With powerful neuroscience insights, practical steps, and a research-backed framework, Jerry helps you break free from the dopamine trap and start building a life that feels meaningful, aligned, and emotionally rich.

If you’ve ever felt like “there has to be more,” this is the episode that shows you what “more” actually is—and how to create it.

👉 Plus: Stick around until the end for a simple neuroscience-based exercise to shift your emotional state in just a few minutes.

Links Mentioned:

• Book a Free Strategy Call with Jerry
• Learn more about the Personal Mastery Framework at jerryhenderson.org

00:00 – Why Most People Are Unhappy  
02:21 – Stop Chasing Happiness  
03:44 – The Science of Happiness vs. Dopamine  
08:29 – The Hedonic Treadmill Trap  
09:12 – Fulfillment Is the Real Goal  
10:23 – Happiness Is a Byproduct  
11:45 – What Makes Life Truly Fulfilling  
14:22 – The Personal Mastery Framework  
15:39 – Step 1: Pay Attention to What is Fulfilling  
17:16 – Step 2: Identify the Meaning of What Fulfills You 
18:03 – Step 3: Savor the Moments That Fulfill You
18:53 – Step 4: Prioritize Relationships That Fulfill You
20:07 – Step 5: Build Your Life Around Fulfillment  
22:32 – Bonus: Shift Your Mood in Minutes  

I am grateful you are here,
Jerry

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Transcript

Jerry Henderson: 0:00

Today, in this episode, I'm gonna share exactly how to start creating a happier life not by chasing it, not by trying to find it, but by creating it with the one thing that research actually shows us leads to sustainable happiness. And what is that one thing? It's creating a life of fulfillment. Hello everybody, and welcome to Personal Mastery. I'm your host, jerry Henderson, and if you're ready to create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside, you're in the right place. Let's get started. Now.

Jerry Henderson: 0:34

Here's the truth about happiness and here's what the research tells us about. It is that happiness is not something that you find. It's actually a byproduct of building a life that feels meaningful, aligned and real. Now let's be honest about something we all want happier lives. Right, we want to feel happier, but for so many of us, it feels elusive, just outside of our reach, and, according to recent research done by Gallup, their 2023 Global Emotions Report, only 23% of people worldwide say that they feel happy and that they're thriving. So that means that 77% of people do not feel happy. They do not feel like they're thriving, despite the world that we're living in, where we have more options, more comfort and more convenience than ever before. We have things at our fingertips all the time that are promising us a happier life. Yet, despite all of that, still 77% of people would not report themselves as feeling like they're happy and that they're thriving. So why is that? Why are most people not happy, even with all the options that we have, and even knowing the research that these things aren't going to lead us to happiness? Why do we still feel unhappy? I believe the truth is that most people aren't taught how to be happy. We're told that we're not happy. We're told that all these things aren't going to lead to our happiness, but very few people are telling us how to actually create happiness, and I promise you that if you'll practice the things that I'm going to share with you evidence-based facts about what actually leads to a happier life you will begin to create a life that feels more genuinely happier.

Jerry Henderson: 2:21

So where do we start? Well, the first place that we start is actually by stopping something. We stop trying to find happiness, we stop chasing it, because when we're chasing happiness, it's literally like trying to hold on to water in our hands. The more we try to grasp at it, it just simply slips through our fingers, and when we're chasing happiness, it does a couple of things to us. Number one it disempowers us. Why? Because it always makes us feel like happiness is outside of us, that it's not something that we can create. It's something that we have to chase, and when we're chasing something and we don't feel like we have any ability to create it, we wind up feeling disempowered.

Jerry Henderson: 3:06

Now, the second thing that happens when we're chasing happiness is it distracts us. It distracts us from the present moment because we believe that we're going to find it someday, but the reality about happiness is it's only experienced in the present moment. Think about it Anytime that you've experienced happiness, it happened in the present moment. Think about it Anytime that you've experienced happiness, it happened in the present moment. And one of the traps of trying to find happiness is it distracts us from everything around us that could potentially bring us happiness. So if we can't find happiness and we can't chase it down, where does happiness actually come from?

Jerry Henderson: 3:44

There's a great article that was published in 2008 in the Journal of Positive Psychology, and it explains the difference between chasing happiness and creating overall well-being. And one of the key things from the research in this article and all of the research on happiness shows us this that happiness is a byproduct. It's not something that we chase. It is elusive when we chase it and we have to understand what actually creates it. So where does happiness come from? Well, happiness, as I shared earlier, is a byproduct. It is not something that can be chased or found. It is a byproduct that is created from the meaning that we assign to things in our life, to the experiences that we have. We believe that, if this happens, that happiness will then follow that experience or that event happening, and the reason we believe that is because of the meaning that we've assigned to that thing or to that experience.

Jerry Henderson: 4:47

So, for example, for some people going and buying a really nice Berka handbag, they've got a lot of meaning that they've assigned to that bag. What it means to them status-wise, what it means to them in terms of their success, that it represents for them, or whatever the meaning is that they've assigned to that purchase or that thing is actually what is going to give them the sense of happiness, the fleeting sense of happiness and I'll talk about that here in a minute of when they buy that bag. Now, for me, if I were to go buy that bag, I'd get no happiness out of it, right? Because I have no meaning attached to that bag. Buying that bag means nothing to me, so therefore I get no happiness or no dopamine hit from actually purchasing the bag. Now, there's other things in my life that I've assigned meaning to, and when I do those things or when I allow myself to experience those things, it brings a sense of happiness. I get certain chemical releases as a result of that, and everybody has their own things that they think are going to make them happy because of the meaning that they've given those things.

Jerry Henderson: 6:01

And listen, we live in a culture that is bombarding us constantly with the things that are supposed to make us happy. We see it all of the time and here's the reality. Right, these aren't things that are actually going to make us happier. They're things that are going to fatten the wallets of other people, and we've bought into the fact, the illusion that those things represent a happier life. All the research tells us it is not the truth. Those things are not going to produce lasting happiness. What they're going to produce for us are dopamine hits, and dopamine hits are not the same as lasting happiness, and this is one of the big mistakes that people make in their pursuit of happiness or their pursuit of well-being. They've made this association of dopamine hits, anxiety equaling happiness.

Jerry Henderson: 6:53

And here's what happens we get on the dopamine treadmill. We buy something and we get something that we thought was going to make us happy. As a result, we get a dopamine hit, we get some endorphins released in our systems, maybe we get a little bit of oxytocin as a result of it and we feel good temporarily. Then that feeling starts to wear off because they're chemicals and our body can't just keep releasing those chemicals nonstop in our system. So that hit starts to wear off and then we think we need more of that thing in order to feel healthy. We've made this association that thing equals happiness, but actually that thing equals chemicals. Those chemicals wear off. We think we need the next thing. So we repeat the cycle.

Jerry Henderson: 7:36

But the challenge is over time we get diminishing returns from those things and our brains adjust, leading to what is known as the hedonic treadmill, where we have to do more and more, stay on that treadmill to get those same hits and to try to continue to get that feeling. So we're chasing it all of the time. What happens is we feel less, but we crave more, we don't feel fulfilled, we don't feel happy, so we're chasing it all of the time. What happens is we feel less but we crave more. We don't feel fulfilled, we don't feel happy because we're confusing dopamine with happiness. But here's the thing the dopamine hit that we get is not actually happiness.

Jerry Henderson: 8:08

Dopamine is not a happiness drug. It is a reward drug that, yes, makes us feel something in the moment. It is a reward drug that, yes, makes us feel something in the moment. But what dopamine is designed to do is to get us to chase, to chase the reward. And once we get the reward, yes, we get a little spike of it, but then it goes away. So it's never going to make you happy.

Jerry Henderson: 8:29

And what, once again, most people are chasing is not happiness. They're chasing dopamine hits and that's why they're in the cycle of wanting, chasing, reward, wanting, chasing reward. And happiness feels constantly elusive because we've confused dopamine for happiness. And all of that loop is happening because we assign the meaning to that thing. That thing, that relationship, that job is going to be what makes us happy, but the truth is it's not going to make you happy because it's not designed to. It's designed to give you the chase reward model, not the sustained happiness model, not the life that you actually want. So what's going to give that to you?

Jerry Henderson: 9:12

Well, the research shows us that what actually gives us sustained happiness, sustained well-being, is building a life of fulfillment. What we have to do here, guys, is shift the entire game. We shift the game away from that treadmill and we start to focus in on what actually brings us fulfillment in life. So what is fulfillment? Fulfillment is a deep sense of meaning, purpose and alignment between your actions and your values, and when you're living your life that way, happiness becomes a byproduct of living a life that is fulfilling. And here's an important thing to remember Fulfillment is not a dopamine spike. It's a long-term neurochemical state, it's a shift in our brain's wiring, and fulfillment is actually more rooted in chemicals like serotonin, which have to do with mood stability, confidence, and oxytocin, which is about connection and love, and endocannabinoids, which are associated with things like peace, contentment, the ability to relax and an overall sense of well-being.

Jerry Henderson: 10:23

So as an illustration of this, of the difference between fulfillment and happiness, I want you to think about it like your waterline of overall well-being, contentment and happiness in your life, and think about the emotion of happiness, right, not the sense of overall well-being or this stable sense of happiness in our life, but that feeling of happiness. I want you to think about it as if you're standing in the ocean, right? So if you've ever stood where the waves break on the shore, you know that at one moment, you can have a wave just crash over you and totally submerge you underneath the water and within a few moments later, as the tide starts to draw out, the water's down at your knee level. So there's this constant volatility that's happening with the water and how you're experiencing it, and the emotion of happiness, or that feeling of happiness, is a lot like this. Right, all of a sudden, we get that wave of happiness and we think, wow, I'm experiencing what I thought I was going to experience. And then, all of a sudden, that emotion of happiness starts to recede, it starts to be pulled away from us, and that emotion of happiness is acting exactly like that wave that's crashing on the shore, overwhelming us and getting it pulled away from us. Now, fulfillment, on the other hand, is about raising the overall waterline in our life of a sense of overall well-being and a sense of happiness.

Jerry Henderson: 11:45

Let's start talking about what creates a more fulfilling life. As we jump into this, I want to set a foundation around two really important things to keep in mind. The first is that building a fulfilling life, or fulfillment, doesn't always feel pleasurable on the front end. What do I mean by this? Well, the research shows us that one of the things that can help create a fulfilling life is serving other people, volunteering, et cetera. So when we do that, it might not feel pleasurable on the front end, but afterwards, right after we're done with it, we have a sense of fulfillment.

Jerry Henderson: 12:23

Another example is having a hard conversation with somebody because of the relationship that you value. Doing the hard conversation doesn't make us feel happy. It doesn't make us feel so good. It's hard, it's uncomfortable, but afterwards we'll have a sense of fulfillment that we did the hard thing that needed to be done. This is the challenge for many people as they're trying to build a more fulfilling life. It doesn't always feel good, and so they think well, that's not making me more happy.

Jerry Henderson: 12:51

Remember, what we're trying to do is raise the waterline in our life of an overall sense of well-being, of an overall sense of happiness, and it's going to come from a life that feels more fulfilling, and so we have to do the things that bring fulfillment in our life, and those things aren't always easy on the front end, but the payoff is absolutely going to be worth it. Which leads me to the other point that I want to make sure that we understand is to not confuse dopamine spikes or dopamine hits with fulfillment, because here's what can happen with dopamine You'll feel great in the moment, but afterwards you have a sense of emptiness, and what we're after is something that fills us, not empties us. And when we're on the dopamine treadmill we're chasing all of this stuff. Right, we bought the thing, we thought it would make us happy and then 10 minutes later we have buyer's remorse or immediately after we have buyer's remorse, and it actually sucks the life out of us and makes us feel empty afterwards. That's a real key signal for you that that was actually a dopamine hit, a dopamine spike, not something that truly brought you fulfillment. If we keep staying on that dopamine treadmill and we're confusing dopamine hits with fulfillment, we're never going to break this cycle and we're never dopamine hits with fulfillment. We're never going to break this cycle and we're never going to create happiness. We're never going to feel empowered to create a life that feels happy, that feels meaningful, that feels fulfilled.

Jerry Henderson: 14:22

Now I just want to take a moment and talk to you about the Personal Mastery Framework. It's a one-on-one coaching program that is designed to help you on your journey of creating a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside. The coaching program is based on six evidence-based pillars around things like mindset resilience, to bring alignment with your internal world those desires, your hopes and dreams. And your external world, to help you deepen connections and dreams. And your external world, to help you deepen connections and a sense of belonging in your relationships. To learn how to practice presence so that you're not missing out on your life, and to connect with your true sense of purpose so that you're living the life that you truly believe that you were meant to live. So if you'd like to learn more about the art and science of personal mastery, I encourage you to check out the show notes in this episode. You'll find a link there where you can set up a free strategy call so that we can connect and determine if working together is the right fit. So if you're ready to take that next step, set up that free call. I'm looking forward to learning more about the goals that you have and, most importantly, I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

Jerry Henderson: 15:39

So now, how do we create a fulfilling life? First step begin to pay attention, to get curious about when you feel fulfilled, when something makes you feel whole, makes you feel connected to your true self, to your purpose, to your values and connected to other people. So I encourage you to really start paying attention to these things that make you feel fulfilled, because these are going to be your clues to what is going to help you build a life that causes happiness to be a byproduct in your life, that gives you an overall greater sense of well-being around the life that you're living. So start asking yourself questions like when do I feel like the most me myself? When do I finish something and think that really mattered? When do you feel connected to something greater than yourself? When do you feel more connected to other people?

Jerry Henderson: 16:27

Look for the things that you kind of get lost in, or the moments where you just want to stop and savor something or you're saying things like this is what I'm meant to be doing. I would do this even if I wasn't paid for it or I deeply felt that when I experienced it or that mattered to me. Those are all hints for you around what is going to cause you to have a fulfilling life. Take time to observe them, write them down, keep a little journal of them on your phone. Anytime you have those moments where it feels really fulfilling, just jot a note down around it. Take the time to really identify it. Those are all going to be clues for you around what causes you to feel fulfilled, and then that's going to be clues for you around what's going to create a life that feels happier for you.

Jerry Henderson: 17:16

After we've started identifying those moments, we want to then move into the second step is to then assign the meaning and the value that was around that experience, why we felt so fulfilled in that moment. So pause and ask yourself questions like why did that matter to me? What value was I honoring in that moment? What was it about that moment that felt so meaningful to me? Was it growth? Was it mastery? Was it creativity? Was it connection? What was going on in that moment that made it so fulfilling for you? Because asking that question is really important, because it's going to help you uncover the values, the things that are important to you, so that you can look for and repeat more of that in different situations.

Jerry Henderson: 18:03

Now the third step that can really be helpful in creating a more meaningful life is to savor the experience. Don't just note it and move on from it, but actually take time to savor, emotionally, connect with that moment, because we're trying to anchor this into our nervous system, because the neuroscience on this tells us that when we savor meaningful moments, you're ingraining those moments and that connection, that association, into your brain. And what you're doing when you do that is you're ingraining those moments and that connection, that association into your brain. And what you're doing when you do that is you're installing this software that allows you to access those same emotional pathways and literally learn how to relive that moment later on and experience the same emotions, chemicals, etc. When you take the time to allow yourself to savor it and install it into your nervous system.

Jerry Henderson: 18:53

Now the fourth step in learning to build a life that feels fulfilling is don't forget about the people in your life. I've shared this before. All the research shows us to have a happier life, a more fulfilling life, a life filled with a greater sense of well-being. It always includes relationships. Building a fulfilling life is rarely a solo sport. It's done in partnership. So ask yourself who brings out the best in me, who sees me, who really sees me? And ask yourself how can I spend more time with people like that and how can I be more present with them when I am with them? Because fulfillment grows in connection, in presence, in shared moments together, and when you're having those moments, notice what sense of fulfillment are you having from that relationship. And if it's a relationship that's fulfilling you and as you're doing activities and experiences together, or you're just noticing them, enjoying their presence, just being fulfilled by being with them as a person who's in your life, make sure and take the time to really savor the moments that you're with them and create more moments that you can savor together with them.

Jerry Henderson: 20:07

Now the fifth step in building a fulfilling life is to build your life around the things that you've discovered from those four steps that we just talked about. Once you know what fulfills you, why it fulfills you, the people who fulfill you, start to create a life that has those elements in it. Start to ask yourself how can I make more room in my schedule for these experiences, for these people? How can I take moments to just stop and allow myself to savor it when I am experiencing it. How can these things become a part of my routine, my habits, et cetera? Build a life that starts to integrate these things as a part of it. For example, if it's really fulfilling for you to just sit on the couch with somebody you really love and just notice them and take in their presence, be mindful to do more of that, be with them, be present with them. Or if there's hobbies or experiences that you notice that afterwards you feel really fulfilled. Or if it's volunteering, whatever it is for you, find ways to integrate that in your life and to keep it as a part of your schedule, your life, intentionally.

Jerry Henderson: 21:22

And what's going to happen? As you start to do things that feel more fulfilling to you, you're going to create a more fulfilling life. And when you create a more fulfilling life, guess what's going to happen? The byproduct of happiness is going to start to show up in your life more frequently. The waterline, emotionally, of well-being, of happiness, contentment, a state of just being able to enjoy your life, is going to be more present with you. And the research backs all of this up that when we stop chasing happiness, we stop pursuing it and stop thinking that we're going to find it out there somewhere and we take ownership and we understand that we are the ones who can create happiness in our life. And the way that we create that happiness is by creating a life that feels fulfilling, that feels satisfactory, that feels whole, that's aligned with our values. Happiness is going to start showing up in our life and surprising us, and then happiness has become a byproduct of a life that we've built, a life that we've created, versus something that we feel like we're at the mercy of.

Jerry Henderson: 22:32

Which leads me to the bonus tip that I wanted to share with you, and it has to do with that savoring that we talked about earlier. You see, when you allow yourself to savor those moments and you really connect with them, they get installed in your memory, right? They get installed in what I call this file cabinet that we have of happy moments that we can access. So how can you use that to shift your emotional state in just a matter of minutes? Well, it's a very simple process.

Jerry Henderson: 23:01

When you need that, when you need that shift, take a moment and access that file cabinet that you've created through savoring meaningful moments and pull out one of the files. Think about a time when you felt deeply fulfilled, deeply connected. Take time to close your eyes, breathe into it, visualize it, be with that moment, let the feelings resurface, fully fill them, connect with them. And what the research shows us, as I talked about earlier, it's going to reactivate the same neurochemicals that you were feeling in the moment when you first had that experience Serotonin, oxytocin and the endocannabinoid system, that sense of peace and overall well-being. And this is a proven way to shift your mood, recenter yourself at any time, using your own internal resources.

Jerry Henderson: 23:59

Now, if you haven't had a chance yet to subscribe to or to follow this podcast, I want to take a moment and encourage you to do that so that you don't miss out on a single episode. Also, if you've not had a chance yet to leave a review, I want to encourage you to do that as well, because the more reviews that we get, the more likely this podcast is going to find its way to people who need to hear the message about how to have a healthy relationship with themselves and how to create a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside, and I want to remind you that you are worthy of a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.