Challenging Stereotypes in Parenting: A Father’s Emotional Journey

Welcome to Episode Nine of Touched Out: A Mental Health Podcast for Parents!

In this thought-provoking episode, host Carter sits down with Luke, a stay-at-home dad of five, who shares his powerful story of navigating fatherhood, trauma, and mental health. Luke opens up about his battles with anxiety, self-medication, and the pressures of managing a blended family, while also challenging societal norms around masculinity and emotional expression.

Trigger Warning: This episode includes discussions on mental health struggles, self-medication, and trauma. Listener discretion is advised.

Join us as Luke discusses:

Vulnerability and Fatherhood: Luke shares his journey of embracing vulnerability and breaking free from traditional masculine roles, emphasizing the importance of open emotional expression in parenting.

Personal Healing and Mental Health: Insights into Luke's personal battles with anxiety and self-medication, and how these challenges led him to focus on family and healing childhood traumas.

Balancing Family and Career: A candid look at how Luke manages the complexities of raising a blended family while dealing with online negativity and societal expectations.

Supportive Communities for Fathers: The critical need for supportive networks and resources for fathers, highlighting Luke's dedication to fostering change and advocating for mental health awareness.

Overcoming Societal Stigmas: A discussion on the societal pressures faced by men in expressing emotions, and the importance of challenging traditional gender roles for a healthier family dynamic.

Empowerment Through Authenticity: Luke’s story underscores the power of authenticity and community, offering a platform for fathers to share their experiences and embrace their roles fully.

Listen to Luke's inspiring journey and gain valuable insights into parenting, mental health, and the power of vulnerability. Subscribe now to Touched Out for more heartfelt conversations and practical tips on navigating parenthood and mental health.

Chapters

• 0:00 Parenting, Mental Health, and Resilience
• 7:43 Healing Through Parenthood
• 13:16 Navigating Trauma and Family Recovery
• 25:09 Father Challenges Traditional Gender Roles
• 34:16 Embracing Expressive Fatherhood
• 44:02 Personal Discovery and Self-Reflection
• 47:17 Parental Challenges and Individualized Approaches
• 54:12 Breaking Stigmas and Sharing Vulnerability
• 1:00:01 Supportive Connection and Positive Growth

Transcript

[00:00:00] Carter: Trigger warning. The following podcast contains explicit language and discussions of sensitive topics that some listeners may find distressing, including miscarriage, child abuse, mental health issues, and birth trauma. Listener discretion is advised. If you feel triggered or overwhelmed at any point, we encourage you to pause the episode and take care of yourself.

[00:00:19] Carter: Hello and welcome to another episode of the Touched Out podcast. Today I have Luke as my guest. Luke is a stay at home dad of five who documents his parenthood journey and discusses his mental health on TikTok. I reached out to Luke after seeing some of his videos and found him to be open, honest, funny and not afraid to call people out when they had something negative to say.

[00:00:39] Carter: Some of the topics we discuss today are Deciding factors on Luke becoming a stay at home dad, harnessing negative comments to create open and educational discussion, navigating parenthood within a blended family dynamic, surprise weddings and celebrating family milestones, overcoming mental health struggles through connection and support, and exploring men's mental [00:01:00] health in an attempt at redefining masculinity and breaking free from societal expectations.

[00:01:05] Carter: You can follow Luke on TikTok at aka. lukeandrew, again that's At aka. lukeandrew. I hope you enjoy today's episode. Cheers. 

[00:01:16] Intro: So today 

[00:01:22] Outro: we have Luke.

[00:01:54] Carter: Uh, I found Luke on TikTok. And he makes a lot of videos about being a stay at home father. [00:02:00] I've found that they are very insightful, very from the heart, and he's not afraid to show his feelings a little bit, not afraid to bite back at the trolls, so I've reached out to Luke and I'm glad after a good five times of trying to coordinate, we're able to get you on, mate.

[00:02:17] Carter: How you going, Luke? Good. Thank you. And thanks for having me, man. 

[00:02:21] Luke: I appreciate it. Yeah, first time, first time I've jumped in on one of these, as you mentioned, took us like five times. And that was just through a random sickness with the kids. We had a surprise wedding leading into a honeymoon that turned into a baby moon because there was children on it.

[00:02:34] Luke: And then What happened today? We're about to start at 11. You get called to pick one up from school. 

[00:02:39] Carter: Yeah, no, it's all good, mate. We, uh, we certainly have to understand the, uh, the trials and tribulations of parenthood when, uh, trying to take some time out for ourselves. So I definitely appreciate you working with me and, uh, being able to, uh, spend a few moments today with me.

[00:02:54] Carter: So we'll jump in, mate. Give us a little bit about your history, a little bit about your family, and, uh, how many kids. All right, 

[00:02:59] Luke: yeah. [00:03:00] So, uh, we have five children. Three of my own and then two step boys. So all my boys, um, but three that biological, I guess. Bit of an interesting one. I made a video about it once cause we've led with a question that I almost don't like to answer because people go, how many kids do you have?

[00:03:15] Luke: And I go, well, five. And then the question is, how long have you been with your partner? And then they'd start trying to do the maths on how things work. Right. And they can never figure it out without, without asking you personal questions generally lucky that since I've been sharing this experience and I've become more comfortable with, um, Owning what we have and how we do it.

[00:03:32] Luke: And I've just gone on, well, you know, fuck it. This is how it is. So I, we have the five, four boys and a small girl who's just turned four months. My oldest boy was from a relationship I had when I turned 30. And then flowing on from there, I ended up having another son and then met my current wife who had two boys.

[00:03:50] Luke: So we both brought two boys, uh, essentially to the family. So blended families in himself has been, uh, an interesting challenge. And then we've, we've rounded out our family with our, with our baby [00:04:00] girl. And as I mentioned, we did a surprise wedding on Saturday night. So I've even made videos where I referenced Monique as my wife, and it's because we've lived the reality of X amount of kids, and we are as much of a team as you'll get without having, you know, without putting a ring on it officially, but we did, which was exciting for us.

[00:04:17] Luke: So that was, um. A good start. 

[00:04:19] Carter: Beautiful. Well, congratulations on, uh, on the marriage. That's, uh, awesome, mate. Thank you, mate. 

[00:04:23] Luke: It was, um, we did it as a surprise, right? So for her, because it was her 30th, she just told all her family we're doing a 30th birthday, try to get them all there. And then once we had them there, her brother emceed and went, right.

[00:04:34] Luke: So welcome to the wedding. But it was beautiful. It worked really well. I'll probably touch on why we moved that into a surprise wedding initially, because it was one we had next year, but through some family stuff, we decided that It was probably going to make sense for us to try and, to try and move it up a little bit for, for our own good and, and other people's.

[00:04:53] Luke: Yeah, certainly. 

[00:04:54] Carter: We, uh, we two, uh, my wife and I did a surprise wedding, uh, for our, we had a baby shower for our, our [00:05:00] firstborn and we decided, fuck it, we'll get married there. Yeah. Perfect. 

[00:05:03] Luke: Yeah. And you got all the people you care about, the ones that care about your children, which actually mean they're going to care about you and it.

[00:05:09] Luke: You're not, um, getting friends from high school drunk that you haven't spoken to in two years, you know, definitely wasn't about one of those big flashy ones. 

[00:05:17] Carter: Yeah. Yeah. We, um, yeah, we just decided, you know, before, before my wife gave birth, we wanted to have, you know, the same surnames and wanted to properly be as part of the family and everything like that.

[00:05:28] Carter: So, so yeah, it all just makes sense. It was a, it was a massive year for us. Actually, we built the house, we got married, we had our first baby and both of us had career changes all in 2019. So. 

[00:05:37] Luke: Wow. So all in one year. I mean, way to take it 

[00:05:40] Carter: on 

[00:05:40] Luke: board 

[00:05:40] Carter: in one 

[00:05:40] Luke: go though, right? Yeah. 

[00:05:41] Carter: Got it all smashed out. 

[00:05:43] Luke: I feel like years like that don't happen without you being ready for them or planning for them in some way though, right?

[00:05:48] Luke: Like often people go, that's a really big year. What were you thinking? And you go, well, I thought about that a lot and it made sense for me and my family. And we discuss these things because people don't always understand that. They're like, they can't grasp why. you would attack [00:06:00] so much in a year or why you would choose to get married and do the house the year you're having a baby and you go because we talk and that's what made sense for us you know and you got to move on what works for you not what people think might be the best way to approach it because it's it ain't the same for everyone 

[00:06:13] Carter: 100 so how long have you and uh you're now wife is it Monique was it yeah yeah how long have you guys been together Two years 

[00:06:21] Luke: now.

[00:06:21] Luke: So when we met, both of our oldest boys were three years old, and then obviously, uh, younger from there. Bit of an interesting journey, um, in the sense that I came from, I don't know, like a, a relationship that had broken down through She was a Columbian. Yeah, it's really hard to explain. There was probably culture clashes and other things that were happening, and that, and I felt like, um I was making too many changes for the spot that I was in and things broke down and I, we, we, we moved on from there and I was probably a little bit fragile at that point.

[00:06:51] Luke: I felt like I'd really given my all to somebody that ended up turning around and, and really belittling my character as a person, I guess. So when I, when, when I moved on from there and I [00:07:00] met Monique who had come from, Not a great place herself as far as a DV relationship. And we were probably two people that found each other at the right time.

[00:07:08] Luke: That's the only way I could explain it. We, we were just so right for each other. The conversations we used to have were, was encouraging. It took some of my life anxiety away. I was just like, well, you never fully understand that. You know, that one until you just know they're the right one. She would, we. We met each other at the right time, and I think that we helped each other out of some, some pretty dark days.

[00:07:28] Luke: We were probably experiencing at that point as well, through both sides of the fence, you know, like, um, different scenarios, but yeah, yeah, it was a, it was an interesting one. 

[00:07:36] Carter: Yeah. Awesome. So you just touched. A little bit then on on life anxieties and and you know, had some dark days. Um, are you happy to share a little bit about about your mental health history?

[00:07:48] Carter: And 

[00:07:48] Luke: it's never been amazing, right? I've probably self medicated since a teenager with your alcohols and you know, smoking to help you sleep at night. And I, you know, I went through my Early [00:08:00] teens abusing stuff that I shouldn't have. Literally because that's, and I, it's really hard one to explain because I wasn't a drunk.

[00:08:06] Luke: I would never walk around like stoned. I used to do these things to function, right? But I, I developed so many bad habits as a young child that even though I worked hard, I used to get this really bad anxiety. It was like, I used to say it was like a, like a crippling depression one out of seven days. On six days, I was the, I was on top of my game and on every seventh, I would find it hard to go to work or find it hard to.

[00:08:29] Luke: So even though I found myself in a spot where, you know, fake it till you make it, I was managing a sales team that had nearly 50 heads in it on different, like different locations. And I used to say, you never realize how many problems people have until you manage them and you have to listen to them, which is really difficult when you have your own stuff going on as well.

[00:08:45] Luke: Right? So I used to find it really hard to probably put my stuff aside and then go to work. But when I was there and I was on point, I was firing and I could be the man for everyone. But by doing that, I probably was ignoring everything that I wanted to do. So you would be the man for them and then finish and have your beer and have you whatever.

[00:08:59] Luke: And [00:09:00] you are, I was, I was band aiding everything. And I ended up in this, this vicious cycle of, from the outside, everyone thinks you're doing good. But from the inside, I was, you know, I was crying to sad songs on the way to work, and I was just not in a good space. I would have days where, like, I would get out of the car and my pants would be wet, the backs of them, from just sweating on my way to work, overthinking about stuff that I hadn't planned for or stuff that I wasn't ready for, when in reality I was.

[00:09:25] Luke: I was well on top of my game. This was things that were within me, my overthinking, my not wanting to let people down, my, these are things I'm still working on. But what I've found is since I've switched from working to home life, because Monique and I, uh, I don't want to get too off track, we'll touch base on that in a minute, the conversation that made us go, go that way.

[00:09:45] Luke: But when I did, and I, and I've switched it to home, I've almost found that as overwhelming as it is, I now have an opportunity to work on what, what triggered those anxieties in me and what made it hard for me to go to work. Because right now I get to start working with the children and I, [00:10:00] um. You'll have your moments where you, the way that I try to parent them, I always think about how I felt when I was younger.

[00:10:06] Luke: I think a lot of the stuff I self medicated was from trying to heal a little Luke, like a young me, you know? So, to now have the opportunity to try and correct that through, through the, through the children, I almost find that by doing that I'm working on myself as well. Like I'm, I'm having the opportunity to remember how things made me feel and remember how I would have liked it done at that stage.

[00:10:27] Luke: And then be the, be the man that I, I wanted there for me. And as I'm doing that, I see them grow and then I'm healing in my own way, you know, and I think that, um, people say, You know, how can you jump in from work to here for the good of your mental health? And I said, well, that's a tricky one to explain.

[00:10:44] Luke: But when I'm working with my children and me, I'm working on stuff for my family. And as, as I'm seeing them grow, I'm healing myself, but I don't get that at work at work. That's for somebody else. And in fact, while I'm at work, I had to put that on hold all of these thoughts to do that. And I'm an overthinker.

[00:10:59] Luke: So then you finish [00:11:00] that and you stay up all night with your brain ticking and it almost feels like groundhog day without achieving things. I found myself 

[00:11:07] Outro: when my second 

[00:11:07] Luke: son was born and the relationship wasn't well, I knew I was doing a lot of these self medicating things. So I actually, um, Check myself into like a rehab, a detox.

[00:11:17] Luke: This is going back nearly two years now about that. I did, um, 10 days in there and I came out and the reason I did it is cause I wanted to make sure that if things broke down or I made decisions that people didn't understand, I wanted to be able to say, I did this with the clearest mind possible. I made sure that I went in there and I sweated out my demons and tried to look me in the mirror.

[00:11:36] Luke: And then I went, this is what I need to do and I, I stayed off the alcohol for over 100 days. Um, I've never gone back to the way I did it, but again, it was something that I needed to do to even knowing myself that I was trying to make clear decisions. I guess it's really hard when you don't have that guidance and you're doing it on your own.

[00:11:53] Luke: You'd like, um, when I say not that guidance. Like a, a, a strong male role figure that [00:12:00] can back you in some of those things, like you're, you're only doing it based on how you, how you think it could be executed to make these children not feel anything you did when you were younger, maybe, you know, or some of those, some of those bad things.

[00:12:12] Carter: Yeah, certainly. So, so as far as your, your younger life goes, I'm, I'm guessing that you probably grew up much the same as me. Uh, maybe father had a little bit of a heavy hand when it comes to disciplining and wasn't emotionally available and didn't really believe in mental health and things like that.

[00:12:28] Luke: I'm not present enough to be honest with you. So I had a mom that was the most amazing mom in the world. Beautiful. I grew up with her and my sister, my dad. He would come and go. So you'd end up doing it every second weekend when he lived in the state and things like that, but a heavy drinker, so you'd always end up environments where to me that were unsafe.

[00:12:45] Luke: That's where a lot of my anxiety came from. So you've been taken from your mom's nest to your dad who loves you. But when they're drinking, they're not really considering you. They're putting you in an environment where there's other children and other parents and they're relying on that mom that's their best friend's partner, to watch the You know what I mean.

[00:12:59] Luke: [00:13:00] so you, you, you end up in a, yeah, unstable and you're okay it's hard for a man to be heavy handed on you when he's not been a part of your life either, right? He can't just blow in and yell at you or, kick you up the ass or whatever. But, a lot of my anxiety I am a teeth grinder, I've had new sets of teeth put in twice.

[00:13:19] Luke: My son says to me, you're making the frog noise again, dad. And it's just like, these people have to point it out. It's a thing that I've, it's a, and you internalize these things. Right. So I find now, even in a situation where I am on top of it, I'm in the back of my jaw is quite often, I, that's how I will, you don't even know you're doing it.

[00:13:36] Luke: My sister picks up on it. She says, you're a foot tapper and stop grinding your teeth. If I sit next to her at a dinner table, but I always felt like I wouldn't. I would, I'm a work. I was supposed to work. This is how we're going to do it. You just, you just have to work. You suck it up. And I found it really hard to talk about anything or front any of it.

[00:13:54] Luke: I just figured that I have to work. I strongly believe my children saved my life. I was just going through the [00:14:00] motions of life until I had my first son. And then all of a sudden I went. I need to be the man that you need me to be. So then I picked my game up at work. You know, I wasn't calling in sick every five days.

[00:14:10] Luke: I wasn't sticking in casual roles where they weren't relying on me. I went time to step up and I did, and I really took on everything. And I was having these anxious moments driving to work all these days where I'm like, I can't do this, but I have to for him. And then the family grows a little bit more and then.

[00:14:26] Luke: Unfortunately, Monique, we went through a situation this Christmas, it was around Boxing Day, where her older brother, who's my age, took his own life. And it just, we were a month away from having a baby, and it completely rocked our family, right? So, Princess Windy Pants, as we refer to her, came a month early, six days after the passing, so we were dealing with an emergency baby coming early to rush to a funeral.

[00:14:51] Luke: To not experience any of what would've been a beautiful moment with a child coming. Right. And then after that, I could see my partner spiraling. She was, she wasn't in a good head space. [00:15:00] She'd lost her confidant. They spoke every day and she felt like the walls were closing in at home. It was too much of her.

[00:15:06] Luke: She, she, she was struggling with it and I was struggling watching her struggle. So when we spoke about, I said, what can we do here? This is like, we, we have these kids that are relying on us and we, we, we need to figure out. What we can do to keep these cogs turning and work on us as well, and she said, I need, I need to get out.

[00:15:22] Carter: I'm losing you, mate. I've lost your sound. Apologies mate, I got you back. All good, all good. Um, I 

[00:15:28] Luke: was 

[00:15:28] Carter: trying 

[00:15:28] Luke: to remember where I was at and I was saying, and she is in aged care, right? She was just getting into it, um, at that point. So, as weird as a switch as it was, and nobody understood it. Everyone from the outside is going, she's just lost a brother.

[00:15:43] Luke: Has a newborn baby at home, what on earth is making her want to go to work and do double shifts right now with the elderly and feed them and do whatever else. And the more we discussed it, the more she said, well, that's how I can get away from what I'm feeling at home right now. And I'm feeling better about helping people and I'm coming home to my daughter and I'm [00:16:00] appreciating her more than just being trapped in that endless cycle of like.

[00:16:03] Luke: Because when you got a baby crying at you, kids that need lunches made, and you are grieving, your world is collapsing fast. And I, I, I was hurting having to leave the house. I said, I don't, I can't, I don't want to leave you here. I can't, you haven't slept. This is too much. And we just decided, what if, hey, I'll, you know, I'll, I'll, I'll spend some time here.

[00:16:21] Luke: You try to get back into that and we'll see how it works. And then each day we were talking about it and she was coming home and, hey, I did this for this person. And I'm seeing this smile start to come back. She's coming in, she's picking. I'm hollow. I'm so mama misses you. Mama loves you. You know, she's happy about it.

[00:16:35] Luke: And I'm like, I think this is working, but in the same respect, my anxiety was going away. So yeah, I'm over tired and life is so difficult, but I feel like every day, even though it's groundhog day, we're slowly achieving more things. I'm feeling. Like I'm connecting with the children more. I'm feeling like every day I see them grow and I put these things into a month.

[00:16:55] Luke: I'm, I'm, I'm almost fighting my own demons. Like you can be a good dad. You can do these things. [00:17:00] You are good enough for them. You know? So a lot of the voices, and I've always said, I've got an angel on one side and a devil on the other. I, the, the conversations I have in my head are absurd. It goes from, you know, like when I go to bed, that's when it starts almost.

[00:17:14] Luke: Right. But lately I feel like the more time I put into the kids, The better, the better side is winning these conversations, right? I feel like we're, we're achieving something when we're maybe getting more on top than we have been. And I don't know if it'll last forever. I mean, our daughter will go to school eventually, and I'm not going to sit at home while they're all at school.

[00:17:32] Luke: You'd move back into casual work or we've discussed. Like a small business together, but right now, right now, at this point, it's what's best for our family and I think the best thing we could have done is not listen to any outside noise. Outside noise is irrelevant. Outside noise is great for perspective, but if you are really serious about what's right for you and your family, you would talk to the person that counts, which is your partner openly.

[00:17:57] Luke: And really just not out what's best for you both at that point in [00:18:00] time and nobody outside of that gets to tell you if that's right or wrong right because it's how you run your family together and it is a team effort. The man is not the head of family. The mom is not the head of family. You guys run that family together.

[00:18:11] Carter: Yeah, the whole concept of a matriarchal or patriarchal family is fucking stupid. Um, you know, it's so 

[00:18:19] Luke: absurd. It's it's just so absurd to me. Can I be honest with you? I didn't even know what the word patriarchy meant. Until people started giving me negative bullshit in what I was doing and I started like opening these doors and reading about these things and I was genuinely surprised by the amount of negativity I caught by doing what I thought was, um, initially an appreciation post for my partner.

[00:18:41] Luke: Like fucking hats off, babe. This isn't a bullshit absurd job with a baby at home and all the rest of it going on. Thank you for being you. And I'm sorry if I overlooked these things, but now that my, you know, my hands are more dirty at home, 24 seven, I, I get it. And as I started talking more and seeing that people could appreciate these things, or [00:19:00] they felt less alone and I'm like, okay, so it's not just me.

[00:19:02] Luke: So it started like snowballing a bit from there, but the biggest surprise for me, I guess, was the. Amount of negativity that I would get from men in particular. Um, I do get some stuff from women. I think you commented on one that was a girl that mentioned, um, you should be at work. She should be at home with her kids.

[00:19:21] Carter: Yeah, yeah, we will touch on that. I've got a couple of the comments written down to ready to fire off. We'll just we'll just jump back real quick. To, uh, to the unfortunate circumstances around Christmas and, uh, when baby was due. Uh, so from then till now, your wife, you know, the smile started to come back, things like that, which is great.

[00:19:41] Carter: Obviously, one can never truly recover from such a horrific and traumatic loss. And it's absolutely heartbreaking to hear about it. And I am truly sorry for, for yours and your wife's loss and the whole family. As far as her own self care and your own self care goes. Does she practice any form of self care outside of [00:20:00] like communicating with you?

[00:20:01] Carter: Is she in therapy or anything like that? 

[00:20:06] Outro: Stay with us. We'll be right back.

[00:20:11] Carter: We are proud to announce our children's book, Girls Can Wear Pants Too, is up for pre order. Head to the podcast Instagram and hit the bio link to sign up for pre order today.

[00:20:24] Luke: We're working on it now, um, there's been a lot of attitude from both of us as far as no time for that, we got kids, we got life, we got whatever, but when we hit, I'd probably call it rock bottom, which is really hard to say you hit rock bottom when your first baby girl is born, but when we were at that spot, we realized, yeah, okay, um, some chats need to be had with some professionals, et cetera, so now we are, we have people that come to the house now and have chats and check in and we're talking, okay.

[00:20:48] Luke: Also remember that mums, if they're not in a, in a, if they're on medications like for anxieties or depressions and things like this, a lot of that has to stop when you're pregnant, right? So then hormones kick in too and there's like, um, and then we added that at [00:21:00] the end of it. Yeah, it probably blew up. So now we're in the right discussions around now that we're getting on track.

[00:21:04] Luke: Trying to talk about the right things and then I mean, I try to steer away from medications, but at the end of the day, sometimes they're necessary for some ongoing treatments, depending on who you are, but yeah, so we even have stretched out more from there and we're getting referrals on stuff with the kids now, so we spent an hour and a half in the home yet in our house yesterday with someone that's going to come weekly just to work on like our um, How to communicate better with our oldest boy who is ADHD and on the autistic scale as well.

[00:21:31] Luke: So while we've been feeling a lot of motion in the house that he doesn't understand, there's been some weird behavioral stuff that's come from there as well that we're trying our best to understand and get on top of. So even her going down that path of the right chats, the right medication still leans onto and how does this flow onto your part of the kids and how can we The conversation is only a conversation starter.

[00:21:50] Luke: It always gets bigger from there. So I think, um, that's going to be an ongoing journey for us that way. 

[00:21:56] Carter: Certainly. And, uh, do you guys openly communicate these [00:22:00] types of things and your feelings and, and everything with your kids, with the eldest? Um, 

[00:22:04] Luke: not all of it. We, we, as, as probably normal parents try to, try to shelter them from some of the more adult details.

[00:22:12] Luke: I don't want them to grow up too fast, but we're very open with the fact that. What we're going through is, is not always, it's not what you're always going to go through. So mommy and daddy and you and everyone in the family right now are processing emotions that some of us are new to. Some of us are not great with, but all the best we can do is just talk to each other.

[00:22:30] Luke: And if you're feeling shit, it's, you know, we just, we got to keep talking about it. It's new for us as well. We're treading water some days and I feel like my emotions are overwhelming me and then you still got to be there for the kids. So you still got to like, try to be the rock. But I'm not afraid to have a little tear or give them a cuddle and say, now daddy's trying to process this and this is how it makes him feel.

[00:22:50] Luke: So if that makes you feel, I just want them to know that emotion is, is normal. I don't want to be that dad that says, don't come in here and shut the door and has a cry. And then I walk out [00:23:00] and make a sandwich and lay down the law. Like I'm, I'm not, I'm, I'm not that guy. I think a lot of my stuff came from, Not feeling validated or feeling like a lot of these feelings or emotions I was feeling after living with two women.

[00:23:12] Luke: Like my mom and my sister weren't normal for a man and they are like we all feel it, right? So why, why should you have to hide it? Because you're the one that goes to work or you're the one that it's good to be the rock for everyone. But I think it's also good for people to understand that. The rock has emotions, too, right?

[00:23:27] Luke: Like it's not just a rock. 

[00:23:29] Carter: Yeah, 100%. And look, at the end of the day, you being a rock is all well and good. But if that rock weathers storm after storm, day after day, that shit erodes pretty quickly. Correct. Correct. So that the fact that you are practicing those types of self care and openly conversing with your kids and your partner and showing emotion is is such a massive, massive step in society.

[00:23:50] Carter: And You know, with, uh, with your voice and your TikTok account, which we will get into in a minute. Um, I think, you know, people like you are leading the charge in creating some [00:24:00] positive change surrounding men's mental health. Uh, not only Australia wide, but with your platform worldwide. I think that's great.

[00:24:06] Carter: So we will get onto your TikTok now. How did that start out and how long has it been going? And, uh, what are your thoughts and feelings around it? 

[00:24:15] Luke: It's an interesting one. Um, my Tik Tok, I always use as like a small, creative outlet, just outside of my work life, the kids, the whatever. I've always been a bit of a joker.

[00:24:24] Luke: I liked a bit of humor and I would watch videos that were funny. So my early days on Tik Tok were using a trending sound and trying to relate it to parenting or partying or it kind of annoys me. I look back, there's a lot of bees in them. I made jokes about drinking or things like that. But for me, it was still just a creative outlet, right?

[00:24:41] Luke: Yeah. But I did enjoy it and it grew a little bit from there. And then to be honest with you, when I did some time in the detox, um, over 12 months ago and the rest of it, I actually stopped TikTok because when I got out of there, I was too busy trying to find who I was again, to spend time. I'd lost my creative spark potentially, not lost it, but I think I was too [00:25:00] focused on trying to work on other things that I, I didn't want the distraction of looking at this shit and trying to figure out what to post.

[00:25:06] Luke: So I spent a whole 12 months off it and then when we were leading into, um, my baby girl being born in January, what was supposed to be February, but the month early, I jokingly said to my partner, once I was spending more time at home, I'm almost feeling like, like me a little bit more. I'd like to start, um, I feel like I got, yeah, I got a lot that I could, but I never pictured it as being a platform I'd talk on.

[00:25:26] Luke: I thought I'd just do the odd funny video again. And then when I was getting some, some, uh, I had done a video, obviously, um, Uh, just like a frustrated appreciation post about literally being a stuck, stuck at home and like, this is hectic. I was, it must've been a week into it. I can't even remember now. And I was just like, women have been doing this for centuries.

[00:25:45] Luke: And I thought I was a strong leader and I'm caving. I'm like, I need to fucking let people know. And I think it was like, guys, you need to stop whinging about. And it was just a, a, a no thoughts sprayer TikTok video that, that took off and all of a sudden I could see there was all these people that like, related to these things, [00:26:00] appreciated these things, and then each day that I woke up, I was experiencing new situations being a stay at home dad, a new challenging one, a new funny one, a new, and you got nobody.

[00:26:09] Luke: At home you have no one, you have the kids. And then, you're waiting for your partner to come home, who's probably gonna talk about their day. They don't really give a shit about what the kids did, right? So then I started understanding or thinking that as, as I spoke about these things, it helped me initially.

[00:26:23] Luke: It was just an opportunity for me to just turn my camera on and be like, This is fucking mayhem, and I'm gonna have a yarn about this to whoever wants to listen. And it kind of snowballed and then I realized it was probably the negativity that got me moving more to be honest with you when people started putting me down and then putting my partner down and then putting, uh, people down around essentially my family.

[00:26:43] Luke: They, they decided that this is not how you do this and I, if anything, As the, the, I took offense to these things. And I started going down the path of have women been putting up with this shit for years, and if so, why, and why is it not okay for me to be home? And [00:27:00] why does it bother you that a man is taking on these roles?

[00:27:02] Luke: And all of a sudden I opened up all these doors of like, what the fuck legitimately, like what the fuck. I never got it and I've had so much respect for my mom who raised us and my sister But I guess I still had these visions or thoughts of a man does these certain things because that's what society tells you But I never understood that if you went against that people will call you out on it And I was like why so I wanted to question that and and I do get people in my comments say, um, why do you give these trolls airtime?

[00:27:32] Luke: I give a fuck about a troll. Don't look at their account. Don't look at their name. Don't give a shit. What I read is that comment. And I want to use that as an opportunity, honest, healthy, educated discussion on why that is a question firstly, and then secondly, why people think it, and if you do think it, tell me why.

[00:27:51] Luke: And then let's talk about it because you can't, you're not going to, you can't win an argument with these people, but you can have a discussion with them [00:28:00] that allows other people to fucking jump in and then start feeling like, Hey, I understand that. Or I've thought that, or, and I just think the more people that are aware, the more that talk is a good thing.

[00:28:10] Luke: So unfortunately, yeah, I did start using negative comments. To try and create a positive platform or a positive education, positive discussion. But I think it worked, you know, like it's, it's, it's started a conversation. 

[00:28:24] Carter: Yeah, certainly. I think it's, it's, it's great to have those conversations and post those comments because there's people out there with those same thoughts and feelings that aren't trolls, but will just carry on in life with those same thoughts and feelings.

[00:28:38] Carter: So the fact that you're replying to them and Uh, allowing your platform to, uh, spin a different narrative may just be what they needed to hear to be like, well, shit, I guess I have some preconceived notions and ideologies that need to be unlearned and I need to have a little bit of a look inside myself.

[00:28:57] Carter: So I think that in itself is fucking [00:29:00] absolutely golden. 

[00:29:01] Luke: I think that's what caught me too. I think I did one where. The comment got deleted pretty quick and then a lot of people came in supporting certain things and I'm very aware of I don't want to act like people to bully people. It's not what I'm all about, right?

[00:29:13] Luke: Like, it's generally someone that doesn't follow me or a user 557 or. Like, I know one day this lady, and she follows me, she's a friendly lady, commented on my house being cleaned for a man, and I replied to it, but she started getting lit up in the comments, so I just deleted the video, I'm like, no, no, no, no, it's not, I don't think she was coming from there, right, and I'm not about, it's like, it's not, and I know people think it's about giving them air time or whatever, it's not, I don't want anybody to get attacked, it's literally just using a preconceived notion or a bad comment to start a healthier conversation about things that, I'm passionate about, you know what I mean?

[00:29:45] Luke: Um, I think that these conversations have to start, I literally didn't understand what the, as I said, that, that the patriarchy meant until I probably found myself here and I looked into it and I'm not someone that like. I think there's videos where I'd start crying on them right and I [00:30:00] still posted it like I don't care like I want I I had people reach out to me like how could you do that?

[00:30:05] Luke: You know, you've embarrassed yourself or you whatever and i'm like, but I bet And is that not embarrassing, you know, like, in fact, if I can put myself out there, make myself a little bit vulnerable for good or bad, I think it can only mean better things, but it can't, it can't create negative stuff. Surely it's not meant, like, even though they get upset about it, they're thinking it's triggered something.

[00:30:27] Carter: Yeah, definitely. I mean, it's, it's, it's enough for them to take some time to write in your comments and put you down and all that shit. So we will go through a few comments that I have written down from some videos. So the first one is the one that I initially commented on. It's the first video I saw of you, which is why I reached out in the first place.

[00:30:46] Carter: You should be working and she should be with her kids. I got eight kids and my boyfriend works and I look after the kids. First of all, fucking congratulations, champ. Shame on her for choosing work over family, [00:31:00] maybe work less and families more. You don't have a job? Where is your so called partner? Shame on her, loser of a mother.

[00:31:08] Carter: Your balls are in your missus handbag, bro. These comments are just, I mean, they're such a personal jab at you and your wife, it's fucking disgusting for one. But you know, that's the internet 

[00:31:20] Luke: and you know that I have to, I have to filter a lot of it out. Right. So if I swear too much, it goes into, you can review it.

[00:31:25] Luke: I look in the review comments and I'm just like, God, that's disgusting. But every now and again, I get one through where they're spelling is shit, their grammar is shit, or they've not cursed too much and they get to have their little jab. But interestingly enough, I still don't take it personal. I just feel like who didn't cuddle you enough?

[00:31:40] Luke: Where was your dad? Why? Why am I the guy? And they've watched these videos, mind you. Like, I know me personally, if I'm scrolling on anything, looks like shit, looks like shit, that's interesting, I'ma watch it. If that catches my attention and I'm like, this is really pissing me off, I'm not going to sit through two minutes of it.

[00:31:56] Luke: I don't have a 15 second talk. When I start talking, I talk, they're [00:32:00] two to three minute videos, right? So, and, and half the time I'll click on them and I'm like, and this motherfucker follows me. I'm like, okay, so they're, they're that passionate about spreading their hype. That I feel like I almost, I mean, debted to, to now replying to this and trying to change that, that, that, that mindset.

[00:32:17] Luke: And, and to be honest with you, I've never had any of them continue it and try to argue the point. It's almost like they hear it and go, whoa, okay. And again, I don't feel like I want to fight, but I feel like great. You started a great conversation there. You've done me a favor almost. 

[00:32:31] Carter: Yeah, yeah. Great. So do ignorant comments like that affect your mental health?

[00:32:35] Carter: Uh, or make you second guess yourself in any way? Or do you take it on the chin and just kind of get, you know, it's more ammo. 

[00:32:41] Luke: Absolutely. I mean, I'm only human. If I get out in the toilet and I, you know, if I get up in the morning, I sit out and I've read and I, to be honest with you, I tried not to read all the comments.

[00:32:49] Luke: Sometimes you, there is too many and you couldn't reply to them all. And I don't probably the way I am. I don't like to reply to one nice one and then feel like other nice people have left things and I've ignored them. So I try to just be like, thank you guys. [00:33:00] Keep it like a. I really appreciate what's on there, but then I will, you, you, you spot a negative comment and it's human, natural human instinct to be like, fuck, fuck.

[00:33:09] Luke: I wonder if they're right. They've called me out on this shit. Right? So then you have your shower and you're like, you got to shake it off and go, no, no, no, no. I'm not okay with that. And this is why I'm not okay with that. But I never, um, I try to never reply out of anger or on the spot. I always like think about something.

[00:33:23] Luke: And I'm like, why do I not think that's okay. And now I want to talk about it. I think I've done one or two, okay. There was this one guy that said to me, that's not a job. That's a whatever. And I replied on the spot at night and I didn't like it the next day, but people had sort of got on the board and it wasn't what I was about.

[00:33:39] Luke: And it kind of annoyed me. I'm like, well, if you're going to do this loop, you have to, you have to realize why it pisses you off. And then, and then come at it from a place that's not heated emotion, just thoughts. And if people call me out and say, I don't like your thought process, I'll say, well, you know, that's fine.

[00:33:54] Luke: Again, I can learn on this journey too. I also like to call them out because I think that if I'm copying this, other [00:34:00] people aren't, other people won't reply to that and they'll internalize that. And if they're sitting at home feeling shit now, because they've tried to do a good deed and some fucking idiot has kicked them while they've opened themself up to the world and now they want to close themself up, I'm mad at that person for, for, for stepping on that clam.

[00:34:17] Luke: They just wanna show you something beautiful and now it's fucking closed again. Bullshit. I'm gonna grab that and I'm pull it open. I'm say, you talk, show me your heart. More men need, need to do that, you know, because we're, we're not. We're not the rock. We're not the closed shell. And I think we've got a lot of important things to contribute and talk about.

[00:34:32] Luke: There's a lot of men that do bad things to themselves because they don't know how to talk about it. And I'm sure if I did, then a lot of people would have benefited from what, what they were going through. Um, you know, not, not doing it all up here on your own. 

[00:34:44] Carter: Yeah, definitely. It's, it's, uh, it's people like you and, uh, as hard as it is to say, people like me that are kind of leading that charge in making those changes in society.

[00:34:55] Carter: You know, I'm, I started this podcast to, you know, try to learn more about myself and become a [00:35:00] better parent in the process by talking, talking to other people who were going through similar struggles and, you know, kind of putting that out into the world. And if it even reaches one other person, and in that moment they realize that You're right, mate.

[00:35:12] Luke: Yeah, I was saying, even just one, even just one, it's 

[00:35:15] Carter: totally, totally worth everything. Um, you know, so I've posted a couple of videos myself of, uh, some podcast episodes where I've shared it to you with my guest. Uh, I've just released a special Mother's Day mini episode of the podcast. I talk about the life of my mum and her, uh, 16 year long battle with cancer in which, uh, unfortunately she did not survive.

[00:35:38] Carter: So she passed away in 2015. Uh, and I, you know, I have a good cry talking about that, and I think they're, as strange as it is to say, people aren't used to men's tears, and I think that in itself holds immense power, and the more people see those types of raw emotions coming from men, the more change that we are able to create, and the more normalized it is.

[00:35:59] Carter: [00:36:00] That those types of things will be and the better off we will be as a society. 

[00:36:03] Luke: I have to agree with that with like, just wholeheartedly, because I know that I've posted videos where I've got emotional. And as I've, as I've looked back at it, every inch of my body tells me delete that don't fucking share it.

[00:36:15] Luke: And then I tell myself why, like, so I'll have this moment where I, yeah, fuck it. I'm letting the good side, try to outweigh the bad one and I'll do it. And then I know for a fact, I'm going to cop some heat. There's going to be men say, call you this, call you that. Yeah. But it ain't about that. I just, all I need is one, I think I had a comment one day.

[00:36:31] Luke: I was a, it was a transgender dad that said, um, I made him understand. Oh, thank you for posting. It's helped me realize that being a man, uh, being a good dad is less about, I can't, I can't remember the comment word for word, right. But it brought a tear to my eye and I'm like, well, that's fucking it. I'll cry on 10 more videos if one more person says, I don't feel, Like what I'm doing is wrong now.

[00:36:54] Luke: So we're talking about the bravest dad in the world that's decided to own who they [00:37:00] are and now they feel like they can't be a good dad because they've honored themselves. But all that, you know, if I can say one thing that makes them feel better in themselves to know that as long as they're supporting that child's emotional needs and keeping them in safe environments and you are there for them day to day, let's give a fuck what clothes you put on or how muscly you are, how much money you earn that keep, they don't consider these things.

[00:37:19] Luke: They just consider how to feel. So to read something like that was, again, I could read a thousand negative comments, but I catch one like that and I'll weather another thousand negative to catch that next one. 

[00:37:30] Carter: Yeah, certainly. You did post a video on the 28th of April in reply to a comment, and I will play the video if that's all right, if you don't mind listening to your voice.

[00:37:40] Carter: I don't know what one it is, but yeah, go for it. So the comment that you've replied to is you've given yourself permission to relax your feelings because your partner is reliable enough to carry the load. I wonder how stressed you were before. So this is the video. We'll play it and we'll have a good chat about it afterwards.

[00:37:58] Luke: You know, and not even just that, [00:38:00] I'm probably about, I can out myself now to every grown man across the country, but I like, I cry a lot more. I seem to be in this head space now where like. If a song comes on, I'm listening to the words and I'm like empathizing with how they felt when they wrote it versus, you know, dancing to the beat, or like if a sad ad comes on, like, you know, if that fucking wombat runs across the screen last in the RSPCA ad, I'm like, I'm upset because I feel like he was too anxious to do it on his own.

[00:38:29] Luke: And where was the support when he'd done it? It's the weirdest thing you spend so many years as a man, bottling all these things up because you feel like your role is to lead the family and lead, um, with strength and make sure that they feel safe. And by fucking showing that not much phases you and leading, you know, with your chest out, there's something inside us that makes us feel like the family now, you know, feel safer for that.

[00:38:53] Luke: But by doing that, You must be just blocking just so many actual emotions because I [00:39:00] know that, you know, I rarely used to cry. I could remember when I last cried and now that I'm trying to teach these small humans that feelings are okay and I'm starting to try to talk about some of mine and I've let some out.

[00:39:12] Luke: It's like you take the lid off a bottle that's just full of fucking tears and every emotion you could ever fucking think of and you let your mind wander now and I'm like what the fuck's that? Water running. Is that a fucking tear? What's going on here? I almost find myself trying to fucking talk to myself in, with some weird toxic masculinity bullshit.

[00:39:35] Luke: Like, come on bro, you don't need to do that. And then I have this other voice in my head that's like, no it's normal, let that shit out. This is what makes you human. This is what's going to fucking help your boys, your children understand that. It's okay to feel shit. You don't have to just weather every storm like you don't have any chinks in your armor.

[00:39:54] Luke: Because you do get chinked and it's okay to have a chat about it. But [00:40:00] yeah, it's been an interesting one. Powerful, I think. Powerful words. Probably the first time I've listened to that since I've posted it. I have this thing like where if I make a video, I'll watch it once or twice back and then once I, once I press bang, I, I just let it, let it do its thing because I'm very self critical as well and I find that I, I, I can spend more time trying to decide whether I could have worded things better than appreciating where my head was at when I did it.

[00:40:26] Luke: But as much as I like hearing my own voice, I listen to that and I'm like, more power to you, bro. I'm feeling you, even though I'm talking to myself. I'm like, I just, it's really hard to explain. 

[00:40:37] Carter: No, I get it. I get it. I listened to all of my episodes once I've sent them out into the ether just to make sure I haven't missed any editing.

[00:40:43] Carter: And, um, I, I quite often forget that I'm listening to my own voice and I just end up enjoying it for what it is. So, you know, I'm right there with you. I really, really, really like that video. And I love the comment that was made. Uh, for you to respond that video to that video. 

[00:40:57] Luke: Can I just say when I got that comment, I held on to [00:41:00] it for a while.

[00:41:00] Luke: Like I'd saved it and I thought to myself, she's so spot on, but how do I reply to this? But I really, I really wanted to. It was one that I marked as like, you should see the notes on my phone. That's so absurd because it's my thought process. Every time something comes to my mind, I'll just pick it up and every now and again I read back through it and I'm like, it'll take me back to somewhere and I'll just, it invokes some emotion.

[00:41:20] Luke: And I think it's a really deep. I think it was a very intelligent conversation like a comment. Sorry, when I read it, I was like, fuck, wow, that's the kind of in tune with where my head was on. I wanted, I wanted to get something out off my chest in regards. So I appreciate comments like that. They're not always negative ones I reply to, but, um, it's, you know, something like that.

[00:41:40] Luke: I, I just, it caught me off guard because she, she was spot on. I must've been under a lot of stress, you know, and all but you don't know it because you're too busy. Holding the fort, being the rock, holding it in. And this is the thing, right? Like I found a way to take the top off and let things come out.

[00:41:56] Luke: But if I didn't, how do I process that? And what happens when [00:42:00] it finally goes fucking bang? Is it, is it something drastic? Is it not, you know, like, and that's, I think where my heart goes out to the guys that haven't found a way to get some of the tension out because it manifests in, in, in ugly ways when you can't talk.

[00:42:14] Carter: Yeah. 100%. So. You know, you've got this this amazing platform where you're able to spin negative into positive and you're able to get your emotions out and you're able to have some form of self care that people are able to actually watch and learn from apart from your tick tock account. What are your other self care routines?

[00:42:35] Carter: And how do you keep on top of your own emotions? 

[00:42:37] Luke: That's that's a really good question. I have a dog. I have a 13 year old staffing that's been like my like my show for a long time. So I mean, my My wind down time is it when the kids are relaxed or whatever and you could take him for a walk. I can't pick my camera up and show up for a meeting, but we have a beach that's close.

[00:42:52] Luke: So what I do is I, we, uh, I collect this stuff called sea glass, right? So it's when old bottles wash up or get broken and they, over [00:43:00] time, they turn into pebbles, but they're glass. My main time is when I get that moment as I would, I just wander the beach. Sometimes I'll take the boys. Sometimes I don't. Um, I grew up here.

[00:43:08] Luke: So the, the, the, the salty air, the salt, the fresh air. And it's like modern day treasure hunting. That's a really good me time. Outside of that, my TikTok is probably my biggest actual release outside of talking to my partner and stuff at the moment. I've been through like counselors and I've done a lot of that and I sort of, um, I got to a point now where I think I will get, I know for a fact I still have a lot of healing to do, but right now at this point in my life, just having this platform and then still finding the time when I can, I find that he's working for me, but it won't work forever.

[00:43:41] Luke: Like, it's, it's, it's always an evolving journey and it's only like right now this is what's best, but we could wake up next week and realize that. Things are snowballing a little bit more the other way, and we're going to have to talk and just adjust on the fly, I guess. 

[00:43:53] Carter: Yeah, progress isn't linear. It's always a dynamic and ever changing.

[00:43:57] Carter: So it's just a matter of [00:44:00] having having emotion enough of that emotional intelligence to really go with the flow and be able to step outside of what you're feeling and try to analyze it and figure out what you can do better, what you can do different to, uh, To have the best positive outcome for you and your family 

[00:44:13] Luke: for sure.

[00:44:14] Luke: And that's something I'm working on. And as I said, like I mentioned a timeline, I'm like talking on this like tick tock space that sort of, you know, started moving a bit recently and other things. It's all, it's all quite recent, right? Like, if you think about like, I'm 36 years old, I was in limbo till I was 30 when I had my first boy.

[00:44:28] Luke: And in the last 6 years, we've gone from no kids to 5 kids and just a world of change. So, in reality, my world in the last six years should have been more hectic than anything else. But it's also been where I've learned the most, progressed the most, and I'm now becoming the man that I wanted to be, or the dad that I wanted to be, or the, the family man that I said.

[00:44:46] Luke: All these things you consider when you're younger that, no, will just happen one day that you put aside, and then you keep putting them aside longer than everybody else, and then you'll find the other's face with it. 

[00:44:55] Carter: Oh, no. 

[00:44:57] Luke: Oh, mate, apologies. No, you're all right, mate. [00:45:00] I'm having power issues now. We must be, um, Getting close to the end.

[00:45:04] Luke: My phone got low and I've had to switch between it, computer, the rest of it. 

[00:45:07] Carter: Ah, all good. Well, I won't take up too much more of your time. I really, really wanted to, to not only touch on, but to tell you personally that I appreciate The platform that you've created with, uh, with your experiences in parenting and your comments surrounding men's mental health and advocating for more progress in society as men and owning our own shit and lifting the cap off the bottle and allowing those emotions to come out.

[00:45:37] Carter: You within yourself, do you understand and feel like A role model in the men's mental health space because of this, or are you just kind of, I'm just me and I'm it's not a big deal. It is what it is. 

[00:45:50] Luke: It's a good question. I mean, yes, it's just me and it is what it is. But I think obviously over the last few months when I'm when I've seen some traction and I've had some pretty inspiring.[00:46:00] 

[00:46:00] Luke: Outside of the negative stuff, emails or direct messages, or I've probably more realized that I've somehow acquired a platform that could help people essentially. So it's again, it's still very new to me, but I think that I've kind of discovered that the more I talk. It is a lie. It is. It's helping people.

[00:46:20] Luke: There are people out there that genuinely have just gone fucking. Thank you for saying that. I've had people say, I feel validated. I feel seen. I feel like I'm less isolated. And all these words for me are enough for me to keep going. Because if one person feels like they're less isolated or they've been seen in their world or whatever.

[00:46:38] Luke: So I'm like, I'm a realist. I know that. Yeah. Okay. So this has to be a positive platform. It attracts some negative shit. Okay. The positive stuff is coming from it. So I don't, I don't see it as like, it's a weird thing. It's not, it's not like a platform that I've created where I was trying to like get myself a name.

[00:46:56] Luke: I fell into a space where I was talking and people resonated with [00:47:00] it. And now I was nervous as shit doing this podcast. I didn't want to jump on here. I've had someone else reach out for a few other opportunities too. And I'm like, fuck, I don't know about that. I can't be that person. I'm just a fucking guy in a house that's spoken about how he feels.

[00:47:13] Luke: But maybe if that guy in the house speaks about how he feels, resonates with other people, that's enough. You know, I was worried, what, is he gonna expect me to say certain things? Do I need a certain level of whatever? And then I had to remind myself, the only reason that you had reached out is because you had resonated with something I'd said, and it's something that's important to you.

[00:47:31] Luke: And then I'm like, well fuck it, let's talk about it, right? As nervous as that might make me feel. Today's the first day I felt anxiety. In, you know, X amount of days because I've just been like beside the wedding, I was nervous as shit for that. Um, but I had that, the butterflies again, like I don't want to let people down, but then I've thought, well, fuck it.

[00:47:49] Luke: How can I let people down by telling them how I feel and what I'm experiencing? 

[00:47:53] Carter: And it, and it just goes to show how, um, how low the bar is set for men in society, uh, where [00:48:00] someone that's just talking about their feelings as a human, not even as a man, but as a human can gain so much traction and become this like spokesperson, uh, in society.

[00:48:12] Carter: I'm not in any way diminishing the work that you are doing because it is incredibly important. But the fact that all it is is you talking about your feelings and putting it out on the internet, literally, and now all of a sudden you are and 

[00:48:22] Luke: doing a job that mothers in particular have been doing for many years.

[00:48:27] Luke: And if they speak, it's a fucking, just, you know what I mean? Like if I, I might be wrong, but if a mom had got on and spoken about how hard her day was at home with the baby. I feel like those comments would have, they would have torn her a new one. Why'd you have the baby? Why'd you do this? Why'd you whatever?

[00:48:40] Luke: And I didn't fucking realize that until I did it. And it's because a lot of my comments are Wow, had to come from a man. Can't believe this took off because a man said it. Do you know I've been saying this for years? And the more I read there, the more I was like Well, fuck, if I have to say it, I will because I'm team you anyway.

[00:48:57] Luke: I'm team whatever works for [00:49:00] families and the children and everybody being happy. There's no, you know, it's all for me. It's all just if everybody was happy in themselves and their family, there would be just so much less bullshit in the world. Stop focusing on anything outside of what makes you happy and puts a smile on your partner's face and makes your kids fucking happy, safe and fed.

[00:49:19] Luke: And you're doing a good job. 

[00:49:21] Carter: I can actually lend a little bit of insight into your comment of, you know, if a woman was to jump on and talk about the things that you did and how hard her day is. I had, uh, I had a mother of two, a military wife from, uh, I think Washington. Episode four, Clea, her name was, and I found her on TikTok too.

[00:49:39] Carter: She had posted a very, very emotional video where she was having a full blown breakdown, uh, her oldest son's nonverbal, and he was having a not good time and she had gone outside and had a cry and decided to record a Snapchat video for her friends that she then decided to put online, uh, where she was, it was just a cry for help and she was not in a good place [00:50:00] and mate out of, I think there was like 14 million views and Just thousands upon thousands of comments of, like, you're a fucking shit mum and if it's that fucking hard, like, you shouldn't have kids in the first place and I just felt so horrible for this poor thing that was just in, she was rock bottom.

[00:50:19] Carter: She just 

[00:50:20] Luke: put herself out and then received, kick me while I'm down, you know, and where the fuck does that come from? And who is, who is qualified? To tell her that based on the kids, they don't have the kids. They do have every child is different. You add ADHD, autistic, nonverbal. These are challenges you're not trained for.

[00:50:37] Luke: You're unqualified for them. Nobody else around you can give you insightful information on how to do it because they've either never done it or they've never done it with your child. So, she would be in this most overwhelming spot of I am in so fucking deep, but I love them so much that I'm not doing anything other than swim a deeper to get a better, who in their right mind wants to criticize that person?

[00:50:59] Luke: This is the [00:51:00] stuff I don't understand. This is an opportunity for someone to say, let's talk about what you're going through. Even if fucking 10 people when I'm sitting outside having the same cry. She goes back inside and handles that situation better than she did when no one said anything, you know?

[00:51:14] Luke: Fuck it, alright, I get it. I'm not the only one here. And it's difficult. Our oldest boy was nonverbal till he was four, right? And then the one that's just below him told me at two years old that his day at Fucking daycare was frustrating and he wanted to have a chat about it. So we got kids that are just so far apart, but can all be overwhelming and incredibly difficult in their own spot, you know what I mean?

[00:51:34] Luke: And it's a different approach. And this is the one thing I spoke about with this person yesterday about working with the children. All the kids need a different approach. Most of them, right? So. This one might need different to this one and needs different to this one, but you as you, you're probably only good at one approach or you've only learned one way of parenting.

[00:51:51] Luke: So now it might work well for him, not well for him and not at all for him. So as I'm adjusting on the fly to figure out what's best for him without leaving him out, [00:52:00] without making sure that he doesn't, that's fucking overwhelming. You're taking on now three different jobs, three different difficult jobs with three different children that need three different skill sets from one person with one skill set.

[00:52:12] Luke: Like. So it's easy to feel like you're not doing it right. But at the end of the day, if you're there for them and you're talking to them and you're listening and you care, you are, you just, some of them are going to take longer to get there than others. And then that self doubt has to go out the window and you just have to tell yourself like, I'm here for them and I'm fucking listening and I'm going to do the best I can for all of you.

[00:52:32] Luke: But I have my days, I walk out the back and I just want to burst into tears because I feel like I've. By putting too much time into him, he's felt left out. And then I've overdone that. So this one's now whatever. And now this one doesn't understand that dad, you'll kill yourself with those thoughts almost.

[00:52:47] Luke: You're just, it's overwhelming. It's consuming. So I know what place that mom would have been when she went out there and done that. So I guess like the more that I can talk to try to stop some of that negative bullshit, the fact that people want to. [00:53:00] Even do that, it's just crazy for me. That should have just been full of comments as in he's outreach programs, call this line, I can chat about this, we go through this, he's a mum's group for that.

[00:53:09] Luke: That should have been her link to fucking a clearer mind. So, this is why the internet is a wonderful place and also a dark, miserable place when you get people that do shit like that, you know. So the more of us that talk in a more positive light, the better. So, fuck these trolls. I made a video, I think, called Daddy and the Trolls.

[00:53:25] Luke: I made a story time to my daughter because I'm not, you know, I think I'm not going to let people sit at my desks with no photos, criticize people, having a go at life, you know, being a parent, showing up every day. 

[00:53:37] Carter: Yeah, yeah, showing up. And not only that, but having the, the, the bravery and the fortitude to be able to say, I'm not in a good space, I need some help and reaching out to a community, even a global community like the internet, where, you know, it's, it's, it's fucking scary place, mate.

[00:53:53] Carter: It is. It's the most vulnerable you can ever be. Yeah. I mean, on the plus side, there was some really, really great comments and [00:54:00] really, really great community spirit. And she's in a much better place now post post me and her having a chat on the podcast, but I'll link you to the, uh, to the video. So you can have a watch for yourself.

[00:54:10] Carter: Yeah, I'll send it through. For what 

[00:54:11] Luke: it's worth. Like when you said it was hard to give yourself credit there for you finding these videos, reaching out to people like myself, other people, and then giving them a platform to talk on. Cause when I'm used to short form videos in our own control. But to let people actually have a conversation and put it out there and yeah, you're doing your part more than us.

[00:54:30] Luke: We're just posting little videos. We wonder if we're going to get attention, but you seek these things out and we're having honest conversations, which is what is only going to keep that ball rolling in a more positive way. 

[00:54:39] Carter: You know, as far as becoming an unlikely spokesperson goes, I, this podcast, you know, you're, I think you're like my 20th episode that I've recorded.

[00:54:46] Carter: To date, I've got six episodes released with a bonus little episode about Mother's Day. Um, but in that Where do 

[00:54:53] Luke: you post them out of curiosity? Just on a 

[00:54:55] Carter: Spotify, Spotify, Apple, anywhere you can get your podcasts. Yeah. I can send you through all [00:55:00] of that information later on. But, you know, it's been live for about eight weeks now and in that time I have Now, I'm linked in with PANDA, which is the Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia, the organization.

[00:55:12] Carter: So I've become a community champion for them, and I've just gotten word yesterday that I am going to be the face of Men's Mental Health Week for their campaign next month. Congratulations, man. Thank you. I have a fantastic day. Fuckin film crew coming to my house to fuckin do a, do a fuckin thing. I would have cleaned 

[00:55:32] Luke: the house eight times by now.

[00:55:33] Luke: I would have thought of ten different excuses. I would have been like I feel, I feel sick. I feel sick about 

[00:55:37] Carter: it. And you know, not only that, but like I have ADHD and autism as well. So I suffer quite a bit with my mental health and, uh, especially imposter syndrome. So it's really hard for me to reconcile this change that You know, I'm making in just having a conversation and, you know, I'm going from that to like having an Australia wide platform to tell my story.

[00:55:56] Carter: This is, you know, this film crew that footage is going to be sent to [00:56:00] media outlets Australia wide. So that's fucking scary, man. That's really scary. I 

[00:56:04] Luke: can only imagine the anxiety that comes with that. And again. I touched on it. Like you might go and you've got this large platform to send TikTok, that's fully within my control.

[00:56:12] Luke: I say what I want. I post what I want. I can delete it if I want, but to make yourself vulnerable to somebody else's platform to then share to the world, there's a different level of anxiety that comes with that. So to welcome this crew into your home and realize that you and yourself. What you're creating is now evolving and it's probably moving in a direction you wanted, but never initially expected whether it would or not.

[00:56:32] Luke: That's, that's, um, that's a lot. I'd be fucking, yeah, that anxiety kicks in, but, um, well deserved. Thank you. I appreciate 

[00:56:39] Carter: that. Before I wrap it up, mate, and I, and let you go and carry on with your day of, uh, Of being a, being a, being a dad of five, uh, is there anything else you want to send out into the ether?

[00:56:49] Carter: Anything that you want to, uh, tell anyone that may be listening, that may be having a hard time reconciling their own feelings and anxieties? 

[00:56:57] Luke: The best thing I can say is talk about it. Don't let it be your own [00:57:00] thought, because if you're anything like me, you got a good one and a bad one. And then you'll have conversations with yourself where depending on where, and you're not going to always know where you're at properly emotionally, you might let the negative side sometimes outweigh the good one.

[00:57:13] Luke: And it's fucking dangerous. You got to, you got to, you got to talk to a partner. You got to just open up. I think it's really important to have someone in your life, whether if it's your partner, if you're in a relationship, if it's your, your mom, if you're a single pair, and if it's a good friend, if you need to just express what's on your mind and let somebody be a soundboard for that, I find that even if sometimes I talk.

[00:57:35] Luke: Listening just to, to, to open my mouth makes a difference and to know that all emotions are real. I think that no matter what you internalize or no matter how wrong you feel like you may be reacting to a certain situation, there is somebody out there right now that is feeling the same as you and would love to have a chat about it.

[00:57:52] Luke: I think the key is talking and knowing that tears are not just for women. Everybody lets out emotion. It's fucking healthy. [00:58:00] And I would encourage people not to bottle things up because it never leads to a date. 

[00:58:04] Carter: 100%. Emotion has no gender at the end of the day. Emotions are a human thing. And you know, whatever feelings that you feel because of you being a man and wanting to bottle it up, that's learned behavior.

[00:58:18] Carter: And there's a difference between learned behavior and human behavior. Uh, human behavior will always trump learned behavior, and it will come out in one way or another. And if you bottle it up for long enough, it will come out in negative ways that aren't constructive to your life or the lives of the people that you love and care about around you.

[00:58:35] Carter: So I think we'll We'll definitely end on that. Thank you so much, Luke, for your precious time. I know that there's not a lot of it being a stay at home dad. Congratulations again on your wedding. Absolutely amazing. And keep on keeping on, mate. I look forward to more TikTok videos. I really appreciate it.

[00:58:53] Carter: Thank you. You're more than welcome. I've appreciated your time. Awesome. Stay in touch, mate. Yeah, we will.[00:59:00] 

[00:59:08] Intro: So my life's a better place If there's one thing I see Then the only thing is me Just knowing that I'm trying to make a change Can I put it all on me? Responsibilities And all the other nonsense coming by repeatedly If there's one thing I know It's knowing to let go Just knowing that I'm trying to make a change.