E46: Make Requests Without Demanding

Welcome to part 7 of the series How To Get Your Relationship Back On Track. 
In this episode, we explore making requests in your relationship in a way that increases your influence and leaves you feeling better about yourself.  Generating feelings of calm and openness before asking for help will serve you better than asking from a place of hurt, frustration, or resentment, which only leads to more disappointment.  When we make requests without demanding we are showing up in a powerful way. 

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Making Requests Without Demanding

Speaker 1 0:00

You're listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with Jill Lillard , episode number 46 . Welcome to the Happiest Lives podcast , where you'll learn to think better , feel better and become the woman God says you already are . Here's your hoax , jill Lillard hey , hey , hey , everyone , welcome back to the podcast . Today we're gonna talk about making requests without demanding , and so we have been Focusing on our relationships , how to get your relationship back on track , and we started with episode number 40 , creating a healing separation , which is so foundational to being able to do all the other parts of this , to be able to see you and your partner as two separate people that God has given you each free will , different brains , different feelings , different desires and preferences . And when we can honor that , when we are able to find Appreciation for our different perspectives , then we are able to come together and find ways to love and honor Each other . And so , really , when we create that healing separation , we are creating space for deeper intimacy and connection . So if you have not been following the series , you can start at the beginning , on episode 40 , where we talk about creating that healing separation , and then , in the next episode , we get into regulating your emotions , which is also very foundational to being able to have conversations and connect . If you don't know what you're feeling , then your emotions Maybe running the show . We would follow that with making deposits in your love bank , nurturing the positive sentiments and good feelings so that you have a good base to withdraw from when you are dealing with conflict . So it's so important to be able to nurture and make those deposits in your love bank . We then followed that Talking about conflict , and in every conflict there is a hidden dream and if you can find the dream , you can connect in a deeper way and then you are ready to move into Solving conflict and maybe solving is not the right word because maybe some problems don't need to be fixed , but you can find a way to honor each of your hidden dreams and A way that feels that you really care about the other person , that you really value who they are and what it is that they want , and you value yourself . You're not doing it at your own expense , but when you do this , you can find compromises that you both own the compromise .

Speaker 1 2:31

The next week we talked about being a better listener in A conversation . If you do not feel like the other person hears you or understand you , you may not listen very well . The problem we have is , if both people show up and they are not feeling understood , they don't feel like the other person is listening to them Then we're both fighting to be understood and nobody is listening . And so sometimes we have to step up and listen , slow down the process , realizing we will get our chance to be the Sharrer and that the other person gets to listen to us . The next week we talked about sharing honestly . That was last week's podcast and really I feel like today just piggybacks on that . You're gonna show up authentically in the relationship . Then you need to know what it is that you want , what it is that you desire , and you want to show up authentically in the relationship , sharing your thoughts , your feelings , your desires and wants , and Be part of of the conversation . And so , as we piggyback on that , we want to talk about making requests .

Speaker 1 3:37

And so when you make requests , there are some different options of how you do that . I mean number one you can just not make any request in the relationship . You may just not ever ask for anything . You can kind of just show up , accommodate the other person , let them lead , and never really ask for them to help meet your needs . That is an option . Another option is that you can make requests in a way that's demanding , where you feel entitled to expect the other person to show up , believing if I don't fight to get my request met , then there are never going to be mad , and so there is a sense of maybe even tension in your asking . And then the third option is to make requests in a way that is not demanding , and of course that is what I am advocating for today . But as you look at that option , you want to consider what those alternatives are .

Speaker 1 4:34

So the problem I see in some relationships I have had women who tend to maybe be more demanding and maybe forthright in what it is that they're asking for . Maybe they have asked before in their relationship for certain things and their partner has not delivered . They have not wanted those same things . Or maybe their partner has just tried to comply , or maybe they haven't followed through . And so you may have a woman , a wife , who is feeling hurt and disappointed and discouraged , and yet she may still continue to ask for what it is that she desires , but those requests are coming from a place of hurt and disappointment . They are actually thinking the worst of the other person , and so we know that is usually not effective in creating deep , authentic connection , and it's not really effective in , if you want , to have more influence on the other person . On the other end of this , we may have the woman who does not know exactly what it is that she needs or wants , but she is constantly pleasing other people , like she's making her decisions based on what others around her want .

Speaker 1 5:49

And I am thinking of a couple in particular who I worked with . Sarah and Mark is what we will call them . On the outside , their relationship looked very content , but underneath there was just this growing disconnection . So Sarah was a very selfless person , and she was always prioritizing others . In that process , though , she really lost touch with her own needs . Or maybe she never knew what her own needs were . Maybe just this desire , the need to please others and gain their approval , maybe that was the primary need , but she did have unspoken desires , and that was creating some tension , leading her husband really longing for a deeper , more intimate connection with her . So , initiating a conversation , mark discovered that Sarah really struggled to identify what it was that she wanted , and so together they were able to come together deep in understanding and unravel layers of unspoken desires . So , through patience and passion , they were able to rebuild that connection , learning that acknowledging and expressing your needs is really vital for a thriving relationship .

Speaker 1 7:06

So you may be in a relationship where you are demanding things from your partner or you're really fighting to get your way and they may comply , but if they don't feel connected to you , is that , is that really what you want ? Do you want someone resenting you or do you want someone always resisting you ? Even feeling like that , you do carry a lot of demands now sometimes , I mean , I would say those who are maybe demanding in their relationship may not see themselves as a powerful person . Maybe they're demanding because they actually feel powerless and their the partner may see them very differently than they see themselves , and I I think that is the case so much of the time where one partner feels powerless but the other partner would say they felt the same way . They would feel like maybe the other person was overbearing or that the other person was controlling the relationship through their Assivity in in the

Navigating Requests Without Demands

Speaker 1 8:10

engagement .

Speaker 1 8:10

So , as you consider your alternatives one of not asking Just know the the gain from this . If we don't ask for what we want , maybe the benefit would be that we don't have to be disappointed , right , if we don't request ? If we don't ask , then we're not setting ourselves up for rejection or our disappointment . But the risk is the disconnection of not really actually feeling connected and not getting your , your needs met . And so the other alternative to request with a spirit of entitlement , request by making demands that has a Risk as well the . The risk that we take with that is also Disconnection . If we are attaching love to somebody's actions if you love me , then you will do this Then we are putting we are really Making someone's actions loaded with a lot of meaning they that may not actually be there .

Speaker 1 9:14

What I hear from those who are more demanding in their relationship is that if they Stop asking for what they want , if they stop demanding that from the relationship , they're never gonna get it . And so they feel like they have to keep Putting the , the pressure or the you know , making those demands from from their partner , even though that has not even been effective . And so you can look like well , do you want to just keep continuing what it is you're doing ? Is it effective ? Is it working ? And it's . It's usually not not working , even if the other person is complying . It is not creating the connection that , ultimately , that you are Desiring , and so being able to ask for what you want without attaching it to Love or happiness . You know , not making the other person's compliance equal , love or happiness is going to free you To be able to just ask in a way that's more neutral , feeling more neutral whether they say yes or they say no , whether they agree or follow through or don't follow through . Being able to make the request from a more neutral place , a more just , logical place , can make it less of a you know , more of a non Event . So there's not so much wrapped up in that .

Speaker 1 10:40

And so how do we ask without demanding ? I think number one is just recognizing that the other person can't say no , and that is actually changing the result that we're going for . So we talk about inside my coaching groups , we talk about knowing what it is that you want to achieve , the outcome you're trying to create when you have a conversation . What is the results you're trying to get by having the conversation ? If you're putting the other person in that result line that they respond in a certain way , then you're going to be very disappointed in that conversation . Now they may respond in the way you would like and they may not respond in the way that you would like , but if you change your result to how you're going to show up , if you maybe just make the result that I'm going to make a request without demanding , then you can achieve that result and it doesn't matter if they respond in the way that you would like them to respond or not . You can at least know that you're showing up authentically in the relationship and that you are asking for what it is that you need and you want .

Speaker 1 11:46

And the second tip that I would give you is to consider the emotion from which your request is coming from . Is it coming from a place of hurt , frustration ? Are you thinking the worst of the other person when you are making the request ? Are you feeling resentful ? Because that energy is going to come through in your interaction . It's going to come through in the way that you ask . And if that's where your emotion is , that's okay , that's genuinely where you are . But I would say , let's start there . Let's do the work on processing through some of that hurt that you are experiencing . I don't want to dismiss the hurt , the pain that you're experiencing in your relationship , but if we just slow it down a little bit , then we can do that underlying emotional work , we can consider the results that we've been trying to create and the results that we would like to create , so that we can really change the way that we're having conversations and the way that we're making a request , the way that we're handling our own desires and wants .

Speaker 1 12:50

Ultimately , it's not another person's job to make you happy . That's your job , and other people aren't going to meet the deepest longings of your heart . The Lord is the only one who can meet that . Now God has given us relationships with other people and I think he wants us to engage with them . He does want us to turn toward that we are interdependent upon one another , that we work together , but that's part of the growth , that is part of the work that we do in terms of trying to figure that out . How do we love imperfect people and how are we interdependent with others without being codependent on them ? How do we invite people to turn toward us ? How do we invite people to be part of our life ? And how do we turn toward others without being codependent ? And then , how do we not go to the other extreme of just being very independent , where we cut others out . So that is all the work that we do in relationships , and it's important work , and so don't be frustrated with the process . Don't be frustrated what a relationship requires of you , because it is a wonderful place that we can experience more of God's love and grace , that we can learn more about him , and that gratitude and that feeling of abundance that we receive in our relationship with the Lord can help us to love others more abundantly as well .

Speaker 1 14:25

So I wanted to close this with sharing an example of something that I've been doing to be able to make requests without demanding , and a lot of it has to do with housework , dishes , cooking meals , all of that stuff that I seem to take ownership for in our house , and I have learned that getting frustrated or expecting other people to see everything that needs to be done the way that I see that it needs to be done , or for them to desire to have a certain result or way our house looks , it's not always going to match up with the way I see it , and so I have just learned to say who better than me to manage this aspect of our home , and I have learned to make request to say if we're leaving the house , when normally I might think , okay , I'm going to straighten things up a little bit before we leave , if it's feeling really cluttery , because I don't want to come home to a messy house , and so , rather than me picking up 20 things , I could say , hey , everyone , can everyone pick up five things before we leave . That might be a cup that needs to go in the dishwasher , or folding a blanket that's piled on the floor , or are putting your shoes in a bin , I don't care what it is . But if each person can put away five things , that is going to be 20 less things that I had to do and it really is pretty effortless . I can just make a request in a non demanding way from a place that is just kind of logical , happy , open , and it can be extremely effective . Where it just becomes a non event , everyone typically at my house everyone pops in , does it and we get out the door . Now , you may not have that experience at first . When you try this and this is where I say maybe the result is you are just learning how to make more requests in a non demanding way and learning how to shift the energy from what you're where you're making your request . That might be the results you're going for and you want to just see how do people respond to that and give it some time , but just start changing the way that you're showing up .

Speaker 1 16:37

Another thing is after dinner time . I would love it , I would love it if people just hopped in and initiated and sometimes they do . But oftentimes I have to ask okay , who's going to run the dishes , who wants to vacuum the floor , who wants to wipe off the counters ? Or if I'm meal propping in the kitchen , sometimes I have to yell at someone hey , can someone come in here and help me chop some vegetables ? And I do find that my family is pretty responsive in that . But I do think it makes such a difference if I'm asking from a place of hurt , frustration , resentment , fear of being disappointed . I honestly don't feel like that would go as well , because even if they did help , I'm not going to feel very good about that .

Establishing Rituals of Connection in Relationships

Speaker 1 17:25

So just a little thing that you might want to try this week if you need more help around the house . Just kind of asking in a matter of fact way , but really looking at what it is that you are thinking about the tour that needs to be done , what you're thinking about the other people in relationship to the tour , how you're feeling about them . You really have to do that work first to be able to just kind of throw those requests out there in a way that is non-demanding . So I hope you guys found the podcast helpful today . Next week we are going to talk about establishing rituals of connection in your relationship . I hope you guys join me then . Have a great week .