Modern Parenting: How to Raise Emotionally Strong Boys and Independent Girls

My twin daughters just turned nine, and it forced a realization: parenting isn’t just about love and routines—it’s about the subtle ways we shape our kids through language, habits, and everyday decisions.

In this episode, I share honest, real-life parenting lessons from raising two girls and a boy, and how I caught myself unintentionally reinforcing traditional gender roles at home.

We dive into:

•  How gender bias in parenting shows up in toys, expectations, and everyday choices 
•  Why I naturally bought my son more STEM toys and skill-based activities, while my daughters gravitated toward more traditional play 
•  How chores and life skills can quickly become gendered—and how to reset them 
•  Practical ways to raise independent, confident kids regardless of gender 
•  Teaching all kids essential skills like communication, cooking, responsibility, and self-sufficiency

I also talk about the harder, often unspoken topics:

•  Navigating dating rules, protectiveness, and body autonomy in age-appropriate ways 
•  Raising kids to respect and value themselves without fear-based parenting 
•  Balancing emotional intelligence and resilience in both boys and girls 

Plus, I break down what current parenting insights say about raising daughters vs. raising sons, and what actually works in my home—like co-parenting with different styles, encouraging open communication, and getting kids to talk without feeling interrogated.

If you’re looking for practical parenting tips, a fresh perspective on gender stereotypes, and simple strategies to raise strong, emotionally healthy kids, this episode will give you tools you can use right away.

Transcript

Welcome And Podcast Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everyone, this is Silver's Podcast. This podcast was created for women by women to elevate women's voices. I am very, very excited today.

A Twin Birthday And A Reset

SPEAKER_00 0:08

This is a very special episode because today is my daughter's, my twin daughter's ninth birthday. So for nine years, I have had the pleasure of being the mom of two little girls. It has been a very unique and significant journey. It has taught me the greatest amount about myself. Um, I don't usually get cheesy like this about being a mom. I've always been the person who has been very straightforward, very direct, um, a little bit pulling the emotion out of the, you know, statements kind of thing about being a parent and what the what it really means. But when I had my son in 2016 and then the twins following in 2017, um, it was definitely the mark of a new era for me. Um, it was no longer acceptable, in my opinion, for me to make decisions in the moment, fly by the seat of your pants, which is how I always had been previously. Um, up until I had kids, it was very much like throw anything at the wall, see if it sticks, or it was living, like I said, day-to-day, moment to moment, really not thinking about the future and not considering things. And because it was just me that I had to be responsible for. And so having kids really, really impacted me quite a

Catching My Own Gender Bias

SPEAKER_00 1:27

bit. Having daughters and a son also impacted me quite a bit because there are things that I wanted to make sure that my daughters heard from me while they were growing up, while they're in development, that were really critically important to me. But what I discovered along the way was that I personally had biases and gender biases from my son to my daughters that at certain points it would trigger. And I'd be like, oh my gosh, I'm literally pushing them into these particular gender molds, and I don't want to do it that way. Now, I'm not talking anything outlandish or crazy here. Not crazy, that's not the right word, because I really don't mean I don't want to infend anyone. I'm not talking about anything outside of like traditional, traditional gender norms. We do very traditional things in our house. We're very old school classics. So I'll say that to you do understand where I'm coming from. We encourage independence in all three of the kids. We encourage decision making in all three of our kids. But what I noticed when my girls were growing up for my son, I was consistently, I was consistently purchasing things and buying toys and things that were fine-tuning motor skills, and it was also things that were more science-based, which is interesting. He had one birthday where all he got were STEM kits. He got loads and loads of STEM kits, which was really, really cool. And I was the one who was really encouraging that. And then I realized for my daughters, I was getting things like less complex. And I was like really leaning towards giving them dolls and you know, giving them like more traditional things. And I remember having these certain epiphany moments with the twins where I was like, you know, I I need to make sure that they're getting raised like with strength, endurance. I want them to be able to have strong character and stand on their own. But then there was also moments on the flip, too, where for my girls, I was teaching them how do you fold clothes, how do you clean up, like, you know, how do you wash dishes. And there was moments where it was like the opposite. And I was like, wait, I have to make sure my son understands these things too. Like he needs to know how to do this. He's gonna be an adult one day. Like he needs to have this core baseline too, and he needs to understand this is not just strictly a woman's role. This is everybody's role. Everyone needs to help and participate. So there's a dual like battle inside my health consistently, where I am always worried that I'm going too far in one direction or the other. So we strike a very sincere and we try to try to strike a very sincere balance amongst the two the girls and my son to make sure that like they are getting everything they need from us, plus them. There are some elements that I will

Dating Rules And Protecting Kids

SPEAKER_00 3:58

admit are 100% sexist. And you know what? I openly say it and I've openly said it to the twins because I've asked this question. My son is 10 years old, he has his little first girlfriend, and the girls are nine, and they turn to my husband and said, Oh, so when we're 10, we're allowed to have boyfriends. And he said, No. And then the twins turned to me and they're like, Well, mommy can do anything girls can, or girls can do anything boys can do, right? Because they know how I usually talk. And I was like, sorry, girls, in this one, I'm gonna have to say no. You know, some of you may be appalled, some of you may think I'm crazy, some of you might be really offended by what I'm saying here. But the truth of the matter is, well, one, it doesn't matter. The truth of the matter is it's okay. Have an opinion, have a strong opinion, actually. I encourage that. Make it your point. Give me some feedback, actually. If you have a better way of doing something, I want to know about it because I'm learning as I go. This is my first time being a mom, and the last time I'm gonna be a mom. I'm not getting another shot at this. So I'm doing everything I can't. So if you have opinions about this, I'm all ears. But in our house, there are actual, there are gender-based things that like we just did haven't escaped. I don't plan to. So the thing came up about the boyfriend. We said no. They said to me, mommy, right? Girls can do anything, boys can do. And I said, absolutely not, not in this instance, sorry. Because there is that patriarchal old school thinking of like protect your daughters, it's in me too. It's in my husband, definitely. And you know what? Not for nothing, I grew up old school. This is just one of those values that I'm consistently teaching them. Now, it's not that I'm not teaching my son to protect himself mentally, physically, you know, that kind of thing, like protect yourself. Like, you know, we don't go into too much detail with like a lot of stuff, obviously, because they're young kids, but we give enough to for them to understand, you know, value your body, treasure your body, protect your body. That's the that's the baseline that we're giving them right now so that they understand what they their physical being is of value to them. Not in the sense of the old school, like I'm gonna marry you off value, but more in the sense of take pride in yourself. You have one body, treat it with love, treat it with compassion, do not abuse it, do not go too far in the wrong direction. Because ultimately we want to treat that, teach them to really truly value themselves and not to be giving themselves away um too eagerly. Again, these are all things that like it's those parenting roadblocks and bumps and and stops and dips, and it's those forks in the road that you don't expect that you're like, okay, I didn't know I was gonna get there so

Building Confident Communicators

SPEAKER_00 6:26

soon, but now I'm here and I'm gonna take care of this. So there's all of that key messaging for my daughters consistently has been I want you to come to me, I want you to talk with me. Like I very openly talk with them about things. I make sure that there's days where I'm going to them and saying, oh, I'm stressed out, because then it is like mommy shares her day with us, I'll share my day with mommy. I'm doing that purposefully. Everything I do is with intention. And the intention is always, I'm trying to make sure they understand how to communicate. I want them to know how to stand up for themselves. I want them to be able to articulate and speak really well. I I want them to be able to defend themselves once they get out into the world. I want them to make sure that they understand who they are and what their opinions are. There's so much out there that they need to have a strong sense of self before they walk out that door. And that's really my goal every single day is making sure that they're okay, making sure that they're gonna have a strong sense of themselves as as people. Um and then, of course, like there's the teaching of like the baseline skills, like making sure they understand like how to cook. You know, my kids can get in the kitchen and cook these days, like supervised, obviously. But like, you know, there's things that like I worked desperately hard and my husband works desperately hard to lay a really strong foundation now because we don't we only have maybe about three years left before they really start to stretch their wings and really try to get out there. And you need to be prepared for it. And I want them to have a strong baseline. One of the biggest things that came up recently that I told my girls, I forget how it came up, they asked me, um, they said they were getting frustrated. One of my kids was getting really frustrated because he was getting reprimanded. And I said to him, I was like, you know, I want you to take a look at because they have older siblings, step siblings. And I said, I was like, Well, why don't you think about your big brother? And he was like, My son was the one who's getting reprimanded. He was very frustrated, very upset with getting disciplined. And I said, I was like, you know, I want you to think about something and take this into consideration. I was like, Do you think your big brother is a good guy? And he was like, Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I was like, Do you think he is a strong man? He's a good man, and he was like, Yeah, yeah, he's the best. He's awesome. I was like, he gives you good advice, he talks to you. Yeah, of course, of course. And he said, Well, Vicente. I was like, Who who do you think taught him how to be like that? And my son paused and paused, and he just I could see the wheels clicking in his head, and he was like, Oh, he's like, Bappi, and I was like, Yes. I was like, Bapi taught your brother. I was like, and as strict as he is with you, and as frustrated frustrated as you might be getting, he also taught your brother. And if you think your brother is a good guy, then you need to really listen to your father because at the end of the day, he's just trying to turn you into a good man. Now, something similar came up where um my daughters um asked me, they're like, Oh, you know, Bobby was so romantic when you guys were dating, or if you guys met and fell in love. And I was like, that really wasn't quite the case in our situation. And again, I don't sugarcoat with my kids. Like, there's stuff that obviously I'm gonna leave off the table because they're so little, but I told them straight up, I'm like, you know, no, I'm like, we dated for a really long time in the beginning for almost five years before we had kids, and it was very hard in some instances. But the bottom line was that I knew that my husband was a good man. I knew he was gonna be, I knew he was a strong father. I saw how he was with his kids. I saw the affection that and love that he had for his mother. And one of that in particular, my mother had always told me that when you if you see how a son treats his mother, expect him to treat you like that. And regardless of the fact that we went through some difficult times, I used to reflect on that quite a bit because I'm like, my goodness, like he worships his mother, he cherishes his mother, he would walk through fire for her. Now, I don't think he would walk through fire for me just yet, but I'm saying, like, you know, like that was one of those moments where I'm like, yeah, like this is a great person here. Like, maybe he's not checking every single, like, you know, aesthetic boss, but like he's hitting the big things here, and like the rest of it doesn't matter. And so I've been teaching my daughters that too. Like, oh, when you start to date or when you're looking, when you get older and you start looking for a husband, if you choose to have a husband, these are you want to look for the strong character, look for the characteristics, the stuff that's topical, like money and cars and a house and all that. That's all topical. That can all happen at any point in time. Like you can generate that. That doesn't have to come from a man, you can do that yourself. You know, the sky's the limit, really, but it's the character, the baseline character that's important. So there's things like that, like across the board, teaching the kids, right? So, regardless of sex, like I'm there's certain things that are really crucial that all the kids understand and learn.

What Research Suggests About Differences

SPEAKER_00 11:02

So, I did do like a very, very, very quick research before I went to, you know, what recorded this episode. And it says, I I looked it up. Basically, my query was research or please find me research research or studies that raising girls is different than raising boys. I wanted to know if there was anything done, any psychological studies. Again, this is at a glance. So if you happen to know about a study that was done, I would love to hear about it because I'll do some research on it too. Um, so this says research indicates that while many parenting approaches are similar, raising girls often differs from boys due to development, emotional, and social factors. One thing I will say here, because my kids are so close in age, we're raising them really tightly together. So there is no, well, your brother's two years older than you, so he gets X, Y, and Z, and that's why you're not getting what you want. Everything is even 1%. They might not always see it that way, but I will always keep in mind, like, oh, well, this happened and this happened, so now this has to happen. Like, very particular about that. It's interesting because it's saying that like the parenting is appropriate, parenting approaches are similar, but it's the developmental, emotional, and social factors that really push you. And that's in the early days was what I was recognizing that because of things that I had ingrained in me from society, I was really leaning heavily into like, oh, boys are smart with X, Y, and Z. And oh, I forget, you know, I'm trying to remember as I talked to you guys, I think it was something like, I know what it was, but it just came to me. My daughter was, she did something, and I said to her, I was trying to reprimand her, and I said, Don't be so aggressive. And then I immediately like backtracked and was like, and by that I mean please be careful that and I like tried to like and then I never really used the phrase again because aggression in girls is called out as like aggressive, but it's not aggressive, it's like leadership. Do you know what I'm saying? Like the perception is different because they're female. So if you at home teach them like particular things to make sure that they understand, like it's okay to be a leader. Do you see what I'm saying? Choose your words wisely with the dog, with your daughters and your sons so that they understand, like it's not, it's not aggression, it's this, you know, like because you don't want them to be like pigeon tailed or cornered into, you know, a box to say, like, oh, this is your role. Like, no, like we don't want that, right? So studies show boys tend to have more externalizing behaviors and slower language development, while girls often show earlier verbal skills. Research suggests parents may unintentionally use different emotional socialization with girls, receiving more encouragement to discuss feelings and boys more independence. That's a big one that we did not do. Everybody's encouraged to share their feelings. Now, I will admit, my husband is a man's man, very much he's Mo. Yes, he absolutely has pushed my son and parented him to say, boys don't cry. I have consistently tried to counter. Um, he'll tell him, man up, you know, boys don't act like this, boys are strong. I don't for the women that are listening to this thing, or if you're horrified, I do not directly counter or challenge him in the moment. When he is parenting my son and he is making sure that he is giving him the message of men are strong, men protect, men, you know, stand tall, men, yes, he does say don't cry, he does say it, I do not counter him, I don't push back because I have the example of my stepson in front of me. Fantastic young man. My husband raised him. I cannot challenge good results when I see them. Now on the flip side of that, while my husband is teaching him this, I also have opportunities, multiple opportunities, lesser of opportunities to talk to my son and teach him how to articulate his feelings. He is he's so articulate and he's he's such a well, he communicates so well that it's astonishing. It truly is. So while he is hearing this much he's more messaging, he's also getting an opposite side. That's

Co-Parenting Without Constant Fighting

SPEAKER_00 14:52

what is really key here. And I want to point this out because I think a lot of couples struggle with this with parenting, because this is, I mean, being a parent is one of the hardest things on a marriage because everyone has opinions on how things are going to be done. You want to do things a certain way, your partner wants to do things another way, and then there's like the clash and the fighting, and like people get divorced over stuff like this. That's not necessary. My husband is teaching my son specifically how he wants to teach him. By all means, go at it. You're the man of the house, that's your son. You need to raise him into a man. I don't know how to raise him into a man. I know how to mother him, but I cannot make him into a man because I am not a man. I do not understand those things. The same way he cannot raise the daughters and my daughters into women. He can't do that. He could try. The same way I could try to raise my son, same way every single mother out there raises their sons. You do your damnedest to make sure you try to turn them into strong men. But because I have someone here that can do it, I'm not, I'm not gonna butt in. I'm 100% not gonna butt in. I respect what my husband is doing as a father, and I'm not gonna challenge him ever when opportunity arises. I do talk to my son about his feelings. I ask him about his emotions, I let him express them to me. And we have a lot of discussions around that. And because of that, even though he's understanding how to be a man and how to be a strong boy, he actually proactively tells people, I don't like this, I don't like how you've made me feel in this situation. I don't like that. He is very articulate. So we have that like co-parenting model happening in our home where I respect how he's breathing our son and he respects how I'm doing it. And then we just kind of co-parent. It's honestly, it's it's very difficult, but honestly, it's better than screaming at each other for disagreeing with how the other person's doing it. Things we respectfully are here to make sure we're doing our best to our kids. And let's see here. So key findings on differences, emotional development, parents are more likely to discuss emotions with daughters while sons are encouraged to be independent. You already know I'm not doing this. Behavioral focus, boys are more often associated with higher activity levels and externalizing problems, whereas girls are more often associated with internalizing issues. Again, not on my watch. In the event that I recognize that one of my kids is internalizing something, which I have already done and I've already seen it, I make it a point to make sure that I'm able to

Getting Kids To Open Up Gently

SPEAKER_00 17:08

address it in a gentle way with them. So the way that I do this is I will try to get them to come out with the information without me having to test. So, for example, I wanted my son to tell me um about something that was going on with his little relationship, his girlfriend. And there was something happening where he had some big emotions about it. And I wanted to address it with him, but he was really uncomfortable, didn't want to talk to me. Something happened at school where somebody said something to him about him and his girlfriend. He was just very uncomfortable about it. And he didn't want to talk to me. And I was trying to respect that, but I was like, let me just hang out in his room. I'm just gonna be in his space with him, relaxing. And at some point, let me see if something comes out. And we sat there in silence. I was just on my phone or I was reading a book, we were relaxing together, and then something happened, and I just used the opportunity to segue into saying, like, you mean like you're because of you mean like because of this, or you mean is it the same as what you're upset about today? And then it just kind of opened it up, opened the gate a little bit. I just unlocked it, and then he came all the way through and told me everything. And then I was able to talk with him about it. So communication, behavioral focus. I don't let anyone internalize. I recognize that I'm very, very aware of my kids, regardless of how freaking busy I am. Very aware of them, and I make it a point to make sure that I recognize and I see them and that I probe. I don't directly ask, I'm not in their faces. I very gently will work around the situation to get them to come to me. So that way they feel like they made the choice, and then thus they're more open to listening to me because they came to me. Let's see if your communication girl generally develops speech and social communication skills earlier, whereas boys may require more patience regarding language milestones, not here. You know what? An important communication thing that I did when the kids were little, because again, I've always wanted to encourage them to come and talk with me. But when they're little and you ask them, oh, how is school? They're tiny, they're like four years old, what are they gonna say, right? So, what a technique that

The Stuffed Animal Interview Trick

SPEAKER_00 19:06

I used to do that I really strongly recommend if you have little kids and you just want to, you know, safety is a big deal. You don't know what's going on when they're a preschool, daycare, you know, you have no idea. And there's really not a lot, kids are little, they don't know how to articulate things. So, what I used to do was I would take a couple of my sons and daughters' um stuffed animals, and I would sit down and I'd say, Oh my gosh, your friends are gonna interview you. And then I would do different voices for each of the stuffed animals, and I would have them quote unquote interview my kid. Oh, well, what about this? And how would lunch? And what did you think about so-and-so? Is so-and-so still your friend? And like I would just kind of just go through and then they would just talk, and now I would get to hear about their day because I would use that little technique. So that I always really liked. Communication was never an issue in our house. Let's see here. Brain development research indicates differences in brain development with girl babies showing better awareness of faces and touch, while boy babies often react more strongly to stress. That's pretty interesting. I might actually want to do more research there. That's an interesting one. Parental interaction, a study published in PubMed.gov, found fathers of daughters to be more attentive, using more emotional language compared to fathers of sons. That actually makes a lot of sense because, again, you have these gender biases or these are pre pre-cut gender roles where people are thinking that this is how this is the way to raise a boy, this is the way to raise a girl, and there is no different, you know, like it makes sense, actually. I don't agree with it, it just makes sense. Physical activity studies show parents may encourage more physical activity in boys and more caution in girls. Not here. As I'm recording this, my daughters are in the next room doing backbends, and I'm trying not to have a heart attack that they're going to smash their face or twist their neck, and they're just doing it, and it's driving me crazy because I'm here recording, and all I want to do is go over there and yell at them, but I can't because I'm recording an episode and now they're staring at me. Let's see here. Nuances and research, individual differences. Many experts emphasize that individual temperament often outweighs gender stereotypes, meta-analysis in PubMed Central found only negligible differences in how parents control or manage boys versus girls. There isn't, there are unique challenges for both genders, but if you are mindful and paying attention and just on your kids, you will be able to find a way. Now, it's all about like the way that I always approach it, and to be honest with you, is very similar to how I approach work with clients. Everybody communicates differently. Everyone's brain processes information differently. There is no cookie cutter role here, right? Even though all these children came from me and my husband, they are all very distinct, unique personalities. And so it's a matter of figuring out how to communicate best, what are they comfortable with, and then going from there and building on that because they're not gonna communicate the same way. Siblings will never communicate the same way. They're all gonna have different parental experiences. Like that's the wildest part is that they're all growing up in the same house together right now. All going to school, the same school together. Everything is the same for all three of them across the board, but I can guarantee you that in 15, 20 years, they're going to come around and talk about the differences and how they thought that they were treated, which is going to appall me because I'm trying so hard not to do that. Nevertheless, that was more of like a very long-winded way for me to share with you our parenting style here and across the board, the things that I've discovered being a mother and the things I've discovered about myself and started to employ with my kids over the past nine to ten

Formative Years And Final Takeaways

SPEAKER_00 22:32

years. I still can't believe my girls are nine years old. And it's a tremendous honor to be able to raise kids, to mold a life and to shape a life. That's what we're doing here. You're not just having kids and then they're just there. You're quite literally molding their life. You have, it's not just physical life in your hands, you have their whole lives in your hands. And everything that you do, every word that you say, every experience that you give them is going to impact them for the rest of their lives. So it is critical that, especially during their formative years, and this is I'm talking like infant to me, about 11, 12 years old, those are the years that we really have time to get a strong baseline in there. Because from 12 to like up 15, they're already trying to leave the nest a little bit. And it's incredibly critical for them to know and understand they have a safe space here. This is where they belong. You know, like making sure that they know that they can come to you is like the biggest deal. It really is. So I encourage everybody really explore the kind of communication you're using with your kids. Think it through. Think about how they feel about things. Think about how you can do things better. I'm constantly beating myself up and critiquing myself as a parent. I'm always going to try to do better than I'm doing today. So just again, food for thought. Happy, happy birthday to my girls. I'm thrilled, thrilled that you're here. And I love you so much. And to my listeners who've been joining me on this episode, I hope you took something away. And if not for you, even if it's for a friend or family member that is raising kids and needs a little bit of some tips, please, please, please feel free to pass this episode along. Um, again, thank you so much for being here with me today. I really greatly appreciate all of you. And I'll catch you on the next one. Take care.