Why Nobody Has It All Together: Motherhood, Mental Load, and Real-Life Partnership

When someone says, “You make it look so easy,” it can be tempting to smile, say thank you, and keep pretending everything is fine. But in this episode of Steel Roses Podcast, we are pulling back the curtain on the reality so many women, moms, wives, and working parents are carrying every day: the mental load, emotional pressure, invisible labor, and constant expectation to hold everything together.

We talk honestly about how curated social media perfection can distort our view of motherhood, marriage, parenting, and family life. From picture-perfect homes to highlight-reel relationships, it is easy to believe everyone else has it figured out. But that constant comparison can quietly fuel anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and unrealistic expectations, especially for teens and young women growing up online.

We also share what life looks like behind the scenes for us as real women juggling work, kids, marriage, personal stress, hormones, and the process of exploring an ADHD evaluation as an adult woman. This conversation is about dropping the mask, naming what feels heavy, and reminding each other that nobody truly has it all together.

Then we get practical about partnership and communication at home. Viral posts about “the right man” stepping in can sound great, but healthy relationships require more than silent expectations. We discuss how to ask for help before resentment builds, how to make clear requests, how vulnerability can create more support than a blowup, and why every relationship involves tradeoffs.

If you have ever felt overwhelmed by the mental load of motherhood, compared your life to what you see online, or struggled to ask for help at home, this episode is for you.

Subscribe to Steel Roses Podcast, share this episode with a friend who needs to feel less alone, and leave a review. Then ask yourself: what is one thing you wish you could ask for help with this week?

Transcript

Welcome And A Real Mom Setup

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Good morning, everyone. This is Still Roses Podcast. This podcast was created for women by women to elevate women's voices. I hope everyone is having a really, really wonderful day. Behind the scenes outtake that I'd like to share with you guys is that this is the third time I'm trying to record this particular episode because I keep having technical difficulties. Why you may ask? It's because I am doing a mom thing and I'm taking advantage of the fact that I'm in the car by myself, can record, and then I can have some nice episodes for all you. So hopefully, third time's the charm. Hopefully this works. Let's give it another go.

The Compliment That Hit A Nerve

SPEAKER_00 0:36

So I was at a family function recently, and my family, I have the oldest set of kids. So mine are I have my 10-year-old and my two nine-year-olds. And then they have a cousin that's, you know, right there with them at nine. And then there's there's a few cousins, you know, younger, seven, six, five, goes down to infants. We have a lot of kids in our family. Um, and so we're at this family function, lots of kids around. My daughters were there, and you know, we're everyone just kind of hanging out, having fun. And one of my cousins says to me, he he turns to me and he just says, I really, I just don't know how you do this. You you make it look so easy, you make it look effortless. And I was like, oh my God, I was like, that's such a compliment. And I said, Thank you. And I laughed a little bit, but I didn't, I will say this, I didn't say no, no, no. I took the compliment because if that's how it appears, then I'm gonna take that compliment. However, you and I both know that that's not the reality of the situation. The perception, which is nice, is that I have it all together, I have it all under control. But the reality of it is it that's really just not true. You guys know the struggles that I've gone through or and am or am going through regarding hormones, regarding um, not just hormones, but regarding um ADHD, getting evaluated for that. I, you know, like there's just things that I'm like, there's challenges, right? There's challenges all across. And then plus the challenge of like working mom life is always there, right? That's ever present. So I have all these things, but the perception for my cousin was like you're effortless, effortlessly handling your children. Now, while I took the compliment, I also had the underlying thought of like, wow, like, you know, if that's how it looks, I want to kind of course correct a little bit, not to like not take the compliment. I'll take it, but at the same time, it's not real. And I don't want to ever anyone to ever have the perception of like, oh, she's got it all under control. Because the reality of it is that I don't. The core premise of this podcast was to shed light on the fact that none of us have it all under control. None of us have it have it done perfectly, and we're all in the same struggle bus together. We're all doing the same thing together. And I want to point that out because we have the problem, and I'll say this, and I really truly mean this.

Social Media Perfection And Its Cost

SPEAKER_00 2:42

We have the problem of social media today, where social media, everybody jumps on there, everyone posts perfect family photos, perfect husband, perfect vacations, perfect backyard hangout, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect. We all want to shine. And that perception of perfection is actually driving people crazy. The increase in anxiety and depression, especially a young uh among young teens, is skyrocketing. And it's because everyone's putting out this unrealistic expectation of perfection, and it's not fair because then people get wrapped up in this idealistic thing, and it's not real, it's not achievable. Perfection is not achievable. What you need to do is work with what you have. And I think what my cousin might pick up on when he says you make it look effortless is I deal with the hand that I'm dealt. I deal with the situation that I currently have, and I make it work for me. Now, a lot of people could look at my situation and say, like, oh wow, like this is really hard. I don't know how you do this, or you need to tell your kids to do this, or you need to do this better, or you need to tell your husband to do this better. There's lots of judgment out there. But the reality of it is my situation works for me and I'm happy. So it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks about it. And it's important for all of you to recognize your situation is unique to you within your family unit, within your situation, you have to find the perfection, but not perfection as in nothing goes wrong. Find the perfection and find the beauty in the fact that things do go wrong and you're gonna roll with it. You're gonna be able to pivot. You can make changes as you go. Life is not set in stone. It's a journey. There is no actual, I'm gonna get to this destination. You're in the destination right now. You have to just recognize it and understand like this is your life. This is the moment. You're living it right now. You can't say, like, I can't wait to live my life. This is it right now. And so taking what you have and holding on to it and saying, you know, I'm gonna honor this life, that's really important.

The Post That Misses The Middle

SPEAKER_00 4:46

Now, something else that I saw that was on the same vein as this, it's a it was a post on Pinterest and it had two different images. There was an image of a mom, and the the first image was a mother sitting at a table, and you can see she's real stressed out and she's toiling over, you know, bills. Like she has a pay, you know, she has stacks of papers around her and she looks stressed. Right next to her is a baby crying in a high chair. Right behind that baby is a dirty kitchen filled with dishes and all this stuff. And then behind all that, you see a husband watching TV and not paying attention to the rest of the stuff. And then the quote that went along with it, and I can't remember it. Oh, so then there's that image. And then the other image that was accompanying it was an image of a woman still at the table, still handling the bills, but the husband was handing her a cup of coffee, the baby had a rattle, I guess it was another child or somebody was doing dishes in the background, and the mom's happy, right? Because she obviously has help. And I like the images, but the quote that accompanied it, accompanied the images basically made it sound like the right man is going to support you and provide the support that you need, and the right man's gonna support you and provide the support that you need. You know, the right man will do X. You know, pay attention to the wrong one, or you know, pay attention when it's not right. And it was really just implying like the guy in the top, you know, image that's just watching TV and letting you be all stressed out, was something to the effect of like, you know, he he's gonna tell you you're strong and you got this, but in the end, you're really just like, you know, hanging on by a thread. That's not the kind of husband that you want. The right one is going to recognize, yes, you have strength, but you don't have to do it alone. Now, there's part of it is accurate, but it's not saying the in-between part. So at face value, you're going to look at that post and say to yourself, the right man is going to just know. The right man is going to innately know that I'm struggling and he's going to step in and say, Let me help you with all these things. If you find that man, please let me know. Because from what I can tell, that man doesn't exist. Why? Because we have to tell them. I don't know how else to like say this because the and some of you may be turning me off right now and being like, no, they should know and they have eyes and they can see. Yes, I agree with all these things. However, there is a vast difference between men and women. Women, we have these talents that we keep downplaying and we keep saying, oh, men and women are equal. Men and women are not equal. There are things that women can do that men can't even really think about. They can't touch. The amount of things that women can carry on their shoulders, the amount of strain we can carry, the physical things that our body can do that men's bodies cannot do, the mental things that we can do and achieve that men cannot do and achieve, it's astounding. And so we should not downplay this. We should use this because we also have very high emotional intelligence and we probably do have strong communication skills, but some of us aren't leveraging them. The real ticket

Ask For Help With Clear Words

SPEAKER_00 7:47

here, if you think back to those images about the post that I was talking about, is that you have to communicate to your partner. Now, if you're in a relationship and you're in a situation like that where you're like, my husband doesn't help, he doesn't help with the dishes, he does none of the housework, he doesn't help me with the kids, he comes home after work, falls asleep on the couch, needed, I'm pissed off. He, you know, I deserve better than this, and you start looking, right? And you start like your eyes start to wander and you start to see things on social media, and you're like, ah, this is this sucks, my husband sucks. And then you let it all the resentment build up until you blow, until you have a big shouting argument with your husband, and then you're devastated, and then he's devastated, and the kids are devastated. And it's this whole big thing. The reality of the situation is if you're not happy with something that your husband is doing or not doing, it is up to you to raise your hand and say, I'm stressed out, I need some help. I have not always been good at that. There has been a lot, many, many years, where I didn't do that and I carried on my shoulders and I carried and carried and carried until I cracked. That was pretty standard, actually, when the kids were little. Every couple months or so, I would snap. That doesn't happen anymore to that degree. Now, I'm much better now at raising my hand and saying, hey guys, this week at work, I'm gonna be really busy. So why don't you pick a night where you guys cook? And, you know, we'll do a night where dad cooks, and then we'll maybe order a night to give mommy, you know, the break that she needs so that I can get stuff done for work. It's the raising of the hand of saying, I'm really stressed out today because of X, Y, and Z. Can you step in here? Because the truth of it is we can't read each other's minds. We don't know what's happening in each other's heads. And if you don't say something, if you don't voice it to your husband and your kids, you're not gonna get the help that you want. It's not gonna happen. So that in-between part is incredibly important. That communication factor is incredibly important. And if you're sitting around sulking saying, My husband's this, he doesn't do this, he doesn't do that, my fiance's this, he doesn't do this, he doesn't do that, unless you properly communicate, and I'm not talking about you shout at him and put him down, I'm not talking that you scream at him. I'm just saying properly communicate because there is a finesse to communicating with your husband. There is a certain finesse to communicating with men. Don't even bat an eyelash at it, don't roll your eyes, you know that I'm right. There's a certain way to communicate with them because they don't hear things the same way we do. Yes, I said it. Because they just don't. So it's important to hone those communication skills. Know how your partner, you know, know the way to communicate with your partner that's going to reach them. It's probably not shouting. With my husband, it's not shouting and not coming to him when I'm really stressed out. It's coming to him when I'm vulnerable. Showing the vulnerability side of me took a lot because I don't like to do that. But I do do it now. I do it quite a bit. And sometimes I probably do it to a point where my family's at like, we've had enough. We get it, you're vulnerable. Um, but showing that vulnerability element for me was to take down my guard and show him I'm scared, I'm freaking out, I'm really stressed out. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to achieve X, Y, and Z. Can you help me? Do you think you could take off work to do this so that I can do that? Yes, of course. Of course, he's gonna help me. He's my husband. He's gonna help me. I just have to raise my hand because he also knows I am a high achiever. He does know that I am a person who's gonna try to tackle everything. So when I do raise my hand, he listens because he knows if she raised her hand, she must really need some help. It's as simple

Accept The Tradeoffs In Your Home

SPEAKER_00 11:24

as that. So taking a step back, making sure you understand perception on the surface level, don't make the assumption that someone's life is perfect. Don't make the assumption that somebody has it all together because none of us have it together. Okay. And if it appears that I that someone has it together, you can guarantee there's a lot of manic stuff in the background. Trust me, no one has it together. If you are unhappy with your current situation and you're getting this perception of perfection online, you turn around and you look at your situation. What are the pros? My husband doesn't, well, I'll start with the cons. My husband doesn't do dishes, he does not do housework. I've never seen him fold laundry. I don't think he knows how the washer washing machine works or the dryer or the dishwasher for that matter. Um, I don't think he knows where the cleaning supplies are, which is fine. But like, he's a phenomenal father. He is a phenomenal father. He is teaching our kids to be strong individuals. He's a great husband. He honors me and pays attention to me, and he shows me so much affection that sometimes I have to bat him off. Like, but he just doesn't do housework. He does the outside work, he does the yard work and he does, you know, the things that are typically quote unquote male. He does all that, but he just doesn't fold the laundry or he doesn't cook dinner. That's just not he just doesn't do that. That was that's just not what he does. But he does all these other things. So you have to understand the balance and expect what you know to expect and accept the limitations for the other person. I hope you found this episode informative. I'm super excited because I got through recording the entire thing. Third time was a charm. So thank you so much for being here with me today, and I will catch you on the next one. Take care.