Why Women Feel Resentful in Marriage: The Invisible Labor No One Sees

The hardest part of marriage is not always the big arguments. Sometimes, it is the quiet, exhausting reality of being the person who remembers everything, notices everything, plans everything, and fixes everything—only to hear “What’s for dinner?” when you are already running on empty.

In this episode of Steel Roses, we have an honest conversation about the invisible labor and mental load many women carry in marriage, motherhood, and the household. We explore why seemingly small moments—towels left in the hallway, repeated dinner questions, unfinished chores, or having to constantly delegate—can feel like evidence that your effort is not being noticed or appreciated.

I also unpack the complicated tension between holding strong feminist and independent beliefs while still valuing aspects of a traditional family structure. When expectations, roles, and appreciation are not openly discussed, that internal conflict can quickly turn into frustration, loneliness, and resentment in marriage.

Then, we move into the realities of being a work-from-home mom during the summer: children constantly interrupting, professional responsibilities competing with family needs, and the guilt that hits when your child asks why you are always working. We discuss what it means to become the emotional and logistical “lifeline” of your family—and why that role can feel like both a privilege and an overwhelming burden.

You will also hear how taking a simple 10-minute pause can help regulate stress, interrupt resentment, and give you space to reset before the pressure becomes too much.

This episode is for working moms, overwhelmed wives, and women carrying the invisible mental load who are tired of feeling unseen, underappreciated, and responsible for keeping everything together.

Listen now, subscribe to Steel Roses, share this episode with a woman who needs to feel understood, and leave a review to help more women find these honest conversations about marriage, motherhood, mental load, and working mom burnout.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Life Feels Hectic

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello everybody. This is Still Roses Podcast. This podcast was created for women by women to elevate women's voices. I hope everyone's had a really, really wonderful day. Um, or you're having a wonderful day. Still hectic on my side. Still hectic on my side, but what else is new? I don't even think it's oh, it's hectic. I think now this is just life, and I have to just get on board. Which brings me to point number one that I wanted to talk about today. Now, I've said this before and I'll say it again now. I actually had an idea of what I wanted to talk about here on this episode, but as soon as I open my mouth, something else pops to my head, so I'm gonna talk about that instead because because sometimes to me that means that someone listening needs to hear that topic, so I'm gonna talk about that topic.

Marriage Expectations And Household Imbalance

SPEAKER_00 0:40

Now, I've said it before marriage is hard. We all know that. Anyone who's married can attest. It's hard, it's difficult for various reasons. Uh, you know, you have two individuals working to make a life together with two different outlooks on life, two different ways of doing things. Like it's already a recipe for disaster, right? And then throw in life in general. Life changes, age changes, your body's changing, family changes, financial like changes, like throw anything into the mix and it's gonna be difficult, right? It just is. It is what it is. You just have to be ready to commit to that kind of a commitment. So, one of the things that I wanted to talk about in regards to marriage being hard is the imbalance. And I don't like to call it an imbalance, but it is it is an imbalance. The imbalance between women and men in marriages and in households. Now, the reason why I don't like to call it an imbalance is because I believe that in many cases, as long as you're communicating appropriately with your partner or with your husband, that there will be some mild balance there. Now, my household, you guys already know, even though I'm sitting here and I do see myself as a feminist, I see myself as somebody very independent, very feminist forward, women, you know, women forward. I also am of the mindset that I am also of the mindset of traditional marriage and traditional household like kind of structure. So it's it's a bit of a it's a bit of a conundrum, to be honest with you, because I have these beliefs, but in my core, I have this really tradition these really traditional values. There is conflict with that. So the way that conflict shows up is a lot of it internal on my side, where there's part of me that wants to strive for like this head of household kind of nature where I'm not really having to deal with all the nonsense I deal with, that either my husband or someone else is dealing with it. Yes, absolutely, that is something that I I struggle with here and there. But at the end of the day, I am committed to my marriage and what we talked about when we first started dating. So, P point number one, when my husband and I were dating, we basically laid our cards out on the table saying, This is what I expect, this is what I'm looking for. Okay, well, this is what I expect, and this is what I'm looking for. Are we meeting in the middle on this? Do we feel the same way about this? You know, it is do we have the same kind of outlook on like how things are supposed to go? Conversation up front essentially set the tone for the rest of our marriage. Now, people today that see me see me and they're like, my gosh, like, you know, why, you know, why why are you in a marriage like this? Why are you in a marriage where like, you know, he tells you what to do, or why are you in a marriage where you're doing everything and if it seems like he's just sitting there? To the naked eye, that is what it's gonna look like. Because there's unseen labor, there's unseen things that my husband does that isn't going to get accounted for in the uh, you know, labor, labor of, you know, having a household, being a husband, et cetera, et cetera.

Unseen Labor And The “What’s For Dinner?” Trigger

SPEAKER_00 3:39

One of the biggest problems that I have, and I think that many of you have, and I'm gonna say it now, is that I have times where I feel like I'm not being seen. And I have times where I feel like I'm essentially just not a servant, but I've basically like seen. I'm nobody. I'm just there to serve the family and to do the laundry, and everybody kind of just throws things to the side and I have to pick it up. And I get really pissed about it some days. Yesterday in particular, I was really stressed out. I worked all day. I still have work had work to do, but I had to hop off right away at five o'clock because I needed to run to the grocery store. And then I'm out running around for groceries until like eight o'clock at night, and then I get the phone call. I'm hungry. Are you gonna pick up food? Are you gonna cook when you get home? And that I'm hungry phone call or that what's for dinner phone call, it doesn't really matter who it comes from. It could be my husband, it could be my kids, really doesn't matter. That that phrase alone, for some reason at this point, really irritates the crap out of me. Now, I'll say this: I love cooking for my family when they eat. I love doing things for them. I really sincerely enjoy being part of their lives in that nature, right? I really, really do. I love caring for my family. That's like a big part of what brings me joy. But there's like a line, it's almost like to a certain extent, I love doing it. And that extent is more along the lines of like, I love doing it, but I also want to feel appreciated and I want to feel seen when I do it. Because having to do all that labor in the house and then everyone kind of just anticipating that the labor is gonna happen is what's really grinds me. Now, in this moment now, it's not so much my husband, but it's my kids. You know, I get really frustrated that, you know, they just throw their towels out of their room into the hallway. When they're done taking a shower and they've dried their hair in their room, this is a girl's, they'll throw their hair towel out of the hallway. And the one day I was standing out there and my daughter opened up her bedroom tour and just kind of she didn't realize I was there and she threw it and it hit me in the leg. And I was like, excuse me, what are you doing? She said, Oh, I I don't need that anymore. And I said, Well, where does it go? Like it the dots weren't connecting like that, you know, that was an issue. Now, another stress point, a pain point for me that's come up, and again, sharing because marriage is hard. And I want people to understand it's not just your marriage that's hard. It's not just you that's frustrated. Everyone's frustrated. Once you realize that this is not a unique thing to you, it almost helps a little bit to know, like, oh wait, I'm not crazy. Okay, so you're validated, and everyone's going through this. I don't know any marriage that's perfect, but well, maybe one. I don't know, but but honestly, significantly, I don't know any marriage that's perfect that you know people are a hundred percent like being able to being able to cover each other a hundred percent. So it's definitely a balance.

Work From Home Guilt With Kids

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Now, another part, another thing that has gotten like kind of stressful for me is another thing that has gotten kind of stressful for me is that I'm working from home. My kids are here for the summer, right? But they're they're doing good. I mean, everybody's kind of just go to camp. My husband's been great, it's been like stepping up his game and taking care of the kids and sure they're taken care of, but on that same day, I'm still working on the case. So it becomes really stressful for me working from home because I'm still the go-to person. Now, besides the fact that yes, like they still hold constantly for things, that hasn't been as much of an issue. But the issue that has started to really come up is I feel guilty. And the reason I feel guilty is this because they come to me constantly and are saying to me, Why aren't you spending time with us? Why are you working all the time? Why do you have to do this? Why can't you just hang out with me? Why can't we go play? Why do you can't you just stop what you're doing and let's all have fun? And I feel terrible because I have to explain every single day mommy has to work. I have to work. I don't have a choice. You know, someone has to pay the bills, like somebody has to do these things. Like it just has to happen. And there's no really there's no way out of that. You cannot bypass that. You ha I have to the looks that my kids give me and the guilt that I feel and the frustration that I feel when I'm like, I obviously would love to spend time with you too. If I had it my way, I wouldn't be working anymore and I would be able to just hang out with you. Like that that would have been the most joyful thing to do is to like hang out with them and do activities with them every single day. But that's not the reality of the situation. So I consistently have to explain to them, I'm really sorry, I've gotta take some days off, but I cannot do it every single day. That's like the working model like heartbreak every single day is having to feel guilty that your kids just want you there all the time. Those two the though that combination has been that's actually what was grinding my gears so much this past week because my daughter was pretty hot on it with like making sure I knew that she was unhappy that I was working so much. But the truth, the truth of the matter is, like, it is what it is. I'm responsible. I have to do what I have to do. So it's that combination of factors. And now the thing is, is that every day is actually pretty good. But when I have these like small situations that start to pile up on each other, that's when I start to blow my top. When I take a breath, take a step back, and recognize that things are really not that bad, then it really helps to resolve the situation.

Ten Minutes To Reset And Find Gratitude

SPEAKER_00 9:10

The reason why I'm saying that particular part is because in order for you, if you're feeling stressed out in your marriage, if it's feeling unseen, if you feel like you're carrying the burden of everybody in your household, what I ask for you to do and what I recommend to you is take up, take a moment when you can. If it's before you take a shower, if it's getting up super early in the morning, whenever it is, take 10 minutes to yourself. Think about the blessings in your life, think about the day. Like, yes, it's really stressful having to feed all everybody and get everyone out the door for camp or whatever, but this is a family that you created. You know, like you're married and you have a family and these children love you and you're their lifeline. My husband has told me many times when I get really stressed out, you're their lifeline. They're looking to you for an example, they look to you for everything. That's that's because you're a great mom. And in some instances, it makes me mad. And I'm like, I might be a great mom, but I also need some time. But in the reality of it, it is such an honor. And yes, it's frustrating, and reality is that I am gonna get stressed out and I am gonna get mad, and it's gonna happen. But the more, the stronger part of me know this is a blessing more than anything else. I want you all to know you're not alone. I want you all to know it's not just you, and it's not just your husband, and it's not just your kids, it's everybody's kids, and it's everybody's husband, and we basically are all just doing the best that we can. So when you feel in those moments that you're getting really down and you're getting really stressed out, take a breath, just take a minute, think about what is good in your life, and try to reset

Final Encouragement And Sign Off

SPEAKER_00 10:52

your day. Hope you all can hear me. I'm actually driving through a pretty awful storm right now because I am stubborn and still wanted to do what I wanted to say, and now I'm mildly regretting it. But in any case, I hope you all have a great day. Thank you so much for hanging out with me, and I will catch you on the next one. Take care.