Ep 19: 11,000 Years of Solitude (Featuring HalfwayOkay)

Hello listeners! Tune in this week as Rachel tells Margie and Sean from the podcast HalfwayOkay about Alyssa Day's novel Vampire in Atlantis.This episode we'll learn that yes, vampires do, in fact, have souls, the third branch of Congress that is run exclusively by vampires, and another way to find the city of Atlantis. Hint: Just step into the sun.

Transcript

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Rachel: 0:00

Warning. The following podcast contains adult themes. Our hosts are just too romantic saps that love overthinking and overanalyzing their favorite literary genre the thoughts and opinions expressed are entirely their own listener discretion is advised. tearing me apart from Rocky sea Hello and welcome to textual tension, a love hate relationship with romance novels. I am your co host Rachel and I'm your co host, Margie. Every other week one of us reads a romance novel and explains the plot to our unsuspecting co host this week, Margie listening in Yeah, and together we unpack what the fuck just happened. And we have a special guest today. Hi, Sean.

Unknown: 0:52

Oh, hi. Hello. Hi. I didn't know if I should if I got to stay the What the fuck? I didn't

Rachel: 0:57

really want to do it again. Okay, it's

Unknown: 1:00

fine. You know? This is your home. You know? This is where you guys you know, I'm not I'm a guest.

Rachel: 1:07

Do you want to tell them who you are?

Unknown: 1:08

I probably should just wander.

Rachel: 1:11

And strange kind of assumed. Yeah.

Margie: 1:14

It seems sort of legit. So we just rolled with it.

Unknown: 1:20

Thank you. I am lol Shawn green. And I am I do a podcast you do I do a podcast. You know, can you believe it? Is the very end these days. Very invoked. It's called halfway Okay. H A LF? Why? Okay, why? It'll be in the show notes too.

Margie: 1:40

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Unknown: 1:41

It's all one word. And it's we were over 100 episodes now. Which just happened in my life. Awesome.

Rachel: 1:48

This is number 19.

Margie: 1:49

Oh, my baby's summer children compared to you. Yeah, it

Unknown: 1:54

is. It is trying especially because I have a very antagonistic co host. Who was always undermining me. Empire. Yes. A literal vampire of a man. And, and I love them and I'll kill him one day. I love her. To death has to be part of it. It is a really weird podcast. There's no niche. It's just us. screaming into the void and seeing what screams back comedy shit. Thank you. Okay, well, thanks. So listen if you like I follow us on on all social medias. Except for Snapchat because some kid has been okay. Drives me nuts.

Rachel: 2:36

What an asshole. Bombard that child. I don't do it for you, but I'm gonna judge you

Unknown: 2:41

you so yeah, follow us on social and. And listen to our show. It's very nice. We say good swears.

Margie: 2:53

The good swears not the bad.

Unknown: 2:54

Adjust the goodness. just awkward. Oh, yeah.

Rachel: 2:59

Favorite word here our favorite word and I'm gonna throw this in now because I definitely forgot last time. Hey guys, please check out both of our podcasts. And make sure to rate review and subscribe.

Margie: 3:09

Subscribe Yeah, and if you if you tag us and like it a selfie on Instagram or Facebook or wherever you do your selfie stuff that will describe you the way that your romantic interested a romance novel with the spelling

Rachel: 3:21

Oh, yes. We already do. If you if you add us like on the whole I don't do the socials. So all of the social things. We will give you an out of context romance novel quote, the current the current one we have involves my sewing could wait all I wanted to do was watch Gronk do his thing thing in the zone place there.

Unknown: 3:43

Bronx grumps do with Bronx does

Rachel: 3:45

you know you know what Gronk says?

Margie: 3:47

Alright, cool. I'm so ready. I'm so ready. What the book okay.

Rachel: 3:50

Okay, so I actually have to give a little bit of a thank bag. I have to give a little bit of a how I found this. So I wanted to marry our two podcasts to the best of my ability and just combine them perfectly. So I took our humble beginnings and the literal vampire that is your co host brilliant. And there is tape on the cover you're not allowed to take it off yet because I need your reaction and it's got to be a clean reaction so explain why there's tape on it but first Are you are

Unknown: 4:28

nice back so Okay, so this is exciting for me because my favorite episode is the one this is the same lady who wrote the mermen they're the same series

Rachel: 4:44

no very similar. Okay, so

Margie: 4:47

that series two okay,

Rachel: 4:49

this there was

Unknown: 4:51

probably Murphy Okay, we should probably say what the name is right, man.

Margie: 4:54

It's called vampire in Atlantis, the warriors of Poseidon

Rachel: 4:59

that I am so proud of being able to find this book.

Margie: 5:05

Wow. Okay, so it's just a shirtless dude with his head caught up on the top

Unknown: 5:09

with a weird cryptic tattoo. Yeah,

Margie: 5:12

we're almost looks like the Deathly Hollows symbol it does a little bit. It looks a little bit like

Unknown: 5:17

a crosshairs which makes sense cuz he's got real big abs and he got paint color duties.

Margie: 5:24

He got this perfect washboard abs, like flow a waterfall over

Rachel: 5:29

a very nice trickling noise. It was very relaxing.

Margie: 5:32

But like I it's my Alyssa de and the author's name is larger than the title. And can I just say his pants are leather. There are our which i He's wet.

Rachel: 5:43

That's got to be sticky.

Unknown: 5:46

I wanted to ask, I guess I could have just went back and listened to the episode. But that one I forget the names but did that one. I learned me anyone. Okay, so this is a theme in romance novels that have to do with water things. Yeah. So when I will, I'm into. Great.

Rachel: 6:05

All right. So now before you take that tape, so there's tape on the front of this cover? Yes, please take it off. Hang on. So the reason there's taping that spot just because I bought this at Half Price Books. And there was a the, the price tag was where that piece of tape was. Oh, so I got home. And I took the price tag off. And I lost my damn mind. So go ahead and take the tape off. I wanted you to get it

Margie: 6:32

Guess what? Warriors are hot, double exclamation point. Can I have one? Carolyn sparks, New York Times bestselling author. She's the author of that.

Unknown: 6:43

Oh, so there is a connection. You've done like

Rachel: 6:46

two or three of her books on accident? Oh, I don't know if you listened to the vampire yet. Reality TV show one

Unknown: 6:52

with Austin. That was also Adam or whatever. Yeah, that's

Margie: 6:57

definitely the author of the MKC.

Rachel: 6:59

If she's not the author, it might be a pen name.

Unknown: 7:01

But I don't want to be the nymph King.

Margie: 7:04

a sex addict?

Unknown: 7:06

No, just water if I could pull that off somehow.

Rachel: 7:09

If my power level could go up, the more I have sex. I don't think I'd be mad. I mean, that'll be that'd be sweet books. Oh, yeah. That's great. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So um, she's

Margie: 7:22

written a lot of vampire book

Rachel: 7:23

is Dragon. Oh, no. You

Margie: 7:25

know what she wrote how to tame a beast in seven days. It was. It was the lightning boy.

Unknown: 7:31

Also a good title.

Margie: 7:34

I don't want to go back to Atlanta to read the back. Oh, I get to read Yeah, you get to go back and do it sexually.

Unknown: 7:42

Well, I'm a terrible cold reader. So we'll take brilliant Okay, do I read all this? Okay, I'll just do it the most and this is read on blu rays to graphic design choice. The most unexpected of all allies to besides warriors has proven to be the fiercest Daniel. Holy shit. That's my that's my my podcast co host buddy Danny fast pause. That's

Rachel: 8:14

okay. This is I this is so proud of

Unknown: 8:17

well done. The forethought well, well done. Daniel of vampire and knightstalker Guild beach. That is so funny cuz he is also a night soccer but even the strongest alliances can be destroyed. When thank you when 11,000 year old desire is reborn of empires. Oh, a maidens quest. Daniel vampire an ally to the Warriors a Poseidon has fought on the side of humanity, even against his fellow creatures of the night. For more than 11,000 years. That seems like an unreasonable. A lot of so clearly this is not a Christian book. No. Because that is it's like 5000 times.

Rachel: 9:11

The earth is only what like 2000 years old.

Unknown: 9:13

Yeah. Well, I'm already checked out.

Margie: 9:18

How could there be oceans and how can

Unknown: 9:22

my my I lost my place? Oh, but the crushing weight of futility and the reality of always being starkly utterly alone has forced him to finally get into despair. Oh boy. He took his first step into the sunlight, what the shit that would destroy him and instead walked into it land where the sun comes from. I hope this is all addressed. This is the longest back of a book I've ever seen my life.

Rachel: 9:54

That's a common trope

Unknown: 9:57

kind of hokum you know

Margie: 9:58

what I mean? I'm hooked.

Unknown: 10:02

And there's another one of these weird really weird hard to read sentences that break up the two paragraphs. And the blackest of magic that could consume them both. Oh, okay, that makes it so if you read the A vampires Oh, a maidens quest and the blackest of magic they can consume them, but why are they together? Why are they separated? Okay? It's not great. Let me talk to a list.

Rachel: 10:26

That's a pendant. Her real name is Alyssa. spelled differently?

Unknown: 10:32

Well, hopefully this book is a list set. I'll show myself out. Part three, I can just go. Okay, the last paragraph here 11,000 years ago, so Okay, I can't read or write. That's not. That's not words and names. I don't know that word. Right. Okay, I'll just start 11,000 years ago, sir, I was one of a group who agreed to be placed into magical stasis to ensure the future of the Atlantean arrays. Well, yeah, actual fuckery. So you have to, you know, you got to keep it going. When a dark sorceress steals the gemstone that protects her sleeping sisters.

Margie: 11:16

What is the Sailor Moon crap,

Unknown: 11:17

I love it. She awakens to that to a vastly change world much like fry in Futurama. In one man, she can never, ever forget. That's tacky. Ever. We 1010? And with an ancient evil tracking there every step, the long lost lovers must battle both the darkest of magic and the treacheries of their own hearts.

Rachel: 11:48

There is a fantastic quote. There is apparently there is no ancient evil squirrel.

Margie: 12:00

ruin that for me.

Rachel: 12:01

Yeah, yeah. So initial thoughts. Are you excited? I'm pumped.

Margie: 12:06

Yeah, I'm like really excited. I'm also just afraid to go back to

Rachel: 12:10

I read it. Yeah, I read that shit. Alright, read

Margie: 12:14

that. I am very proud. How long did it take how long?

Unknown: 12:18

It was? Yeah, page turner. Yeah.

Rachel: 12:21

More like it didn't really require much thought. And I'll be honest, I skipped over some bits because I was didn't didn't get my yums going. Not my jam. All right.

Margie: 12:33

Two decks or something? No, no. Sorry,

Unknown: 12:38

but those same gemstones. And there it is. I mean,

Rachel: 12:45

fair. Alright. So real quick trigger warnings. They're actually really good for

Margie: 12:52

what you're really

Rachel: 12:58

eating of bodily fluids and things. away at least not for me.

Unknown: 13:07

I should have played down the fact that I knew exactly we were talking

Rachel: 13:15

but no sexual assault.

Margie: 13:16

Hey, that's such a low bar. No, but

Rachel: 13:20

you'd be surprised. Yeah, no, no, I

Margie: 13:23

know. But we

Rachel: 13:24

just recorded an episode with so much and it was children. So much.

Margie: 13:31

paraphilia

Unknown: 13:32

Yeah, romance.

Rachel: 13:39

Future Rachel here. One thing we definitely forgot about, y'all. They talk about suicide a lot. So that's gonna be another trigger for you guys. Take it away past everybody. Yeah, okay. All right. Let's get it notice. Beautiful to it. Actual underwater garbage fire. I can say that again. Alright, so I like to describe our characters first. So we have Sarai. It's a good name because she doesn't have a last name so

Margie: 14:08

special snowflake.

Rachel: 14:10

Actually, not really.

Margie: 14:12

Not the name is Sarai.

Rachel: 14:13

Try it Lantian Oh, okay. There are no

Margie: 14:24

one sir. I

Unknown: 14:32

think there's only one World of Warcraft server and they got your name so I know that you mentioned Oh, yeah. Oh, boy.

Rachel: 14:39

This is great. Sarai. She's Lantian her hair is such a dark black color that it has blue highlights. Whoa. And let's throw in our wonderful game show music let's play guess that gemstone.

Unknown: 15:00

I already know do I do? What is it Sapphire?

Margie: 15:08

Eternally?

Rachel: 15:09

Nope, nope. Sapphire baby.

Unknown: 15:12

Oh, thank you. Well, I read a lot of the comments in the 90s where every character's hair was highlighted with blue Of course they always had Safar Island. Yeah. Yep.

Rachel: 15:21

I love me some 1990s comics. Oh, yes. Then we have Daniel which is that isn't a savior of vampire humanity name by the way. That's his actual name. So 11,000 years ago we had Sarai. Mystical

Margie: 15:41

magical love should have been Sariah like Bob Bell.

Unknown: 15:48

Oh, yeah. Well, that's how you know it's

Rachel: 15:52

Jeff.

Margie: 15:55

Right and Richard, but they called dick. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Rachel: 16:00

So our friend Daniel is a vampire. And I have no goddamn idea what he looks like. He's ripped that I could not find a description for this

Margie: 16:09

man. All you really need that we know he's got washboard abs. Though we really need actually not

Rachel: 16:14

that much. I, for the longest time, this book thought that that wasn't even a picture of him on the cover, because he doesn't have the tattoo until the end. Oh, boy, at least,

Margie: 16:24

you thought that they just badly or we're just like, we'll just stick with this random dude on there

Rachel: 16:29

in the family Photoshop curve. That's what I thought. Alright, so before. Um, so this kind of goes a little bit in with his description and the start. So we start running, and I want you to know that I have practiced this sentence so many times to try to give a clean delivery. I'm ready so that you guys can get a core reaction out of this. So he's a vampire. We open our book with Daniel basically saying, God, these fucking motherfuckers I'm so goddamn done. I'm just gonna go walk into the sun and commit suicide. Because he is Dragon soda. Like, I don't want to live on this planet anymore. Fuck you

Margie: 17:06

guys. Humans are done with other vampire vampires.

Rachel: 17:10

So a little bit of background is that about three years ago, vampires and shapeshifters also thing decided, You know what? We are stronger than humans. Fuck you guys were real. And we're taking over that long. So we start in the Primus chambers beneath the Capitol Building in Washington DC.

Margie: 17:35

Wait, why? That's where the stories start with people questioning

Rachel: 17:39

the rule of Daniel.

Margie: 17:41

I've been under the Capitol building. The only thing yeah, there's a train. Here's Dan les

Unknown: 17:45

Claypool because

Rachel: 17:49

here is our our boy he's an our boy, our boy Ariel's a response to someone questioning his authority. You may call me prime a tour ruler of the Prime Minister, the third house of the United States Congress.

Unknown: 18:10

That's awesome. Patriotic Well, MRA you

Rachel: 18:20

know vampires ruled the United States. House of Congress. And Daniel is actually in charge of it. Biting biting

Margie: 18:35

alongside the lizard people, or

Rachel: 18:40

that's a good question. There are shapeshifters I have to assume there are lizard people lizard people.

Unknown: 18:46

I mean, yeah.

Rachel: 18:48

Our buddy the primate tour. He's decided Fuck it. He quits. The primate our position. Yeah. Murder some people on his way out

Margie: 19:01

there that's where they said the bad interns want to get rid of.

Unknown: 19:05

Yeah. The best coffee shop down I just don't know.

Rachel: 19:11

Yeah, so he decides, you know, fuck this noise. I don't wanna live on this planet anymore. So I'm gonna walk into the sun and commit suicide after living for 11,000 years

Unknown: 19:18

Mondays. Am I right

Rachel: 19:26

so he steps into the sun and instead of frying is transported to Atlantis. Wait, what? Can seen one? Because

Margie: 19:37

that's okay. I thought it was so I'm an engineer. No, yeah, there are ways to get out to Atlantis or off the Florida coast. Yes, we got that and now we literally just have to step into the sun.

Rachel: 19:49

I think they never actually say that he just

Unknown: 19:56

Well, that's Yeah pedal tracks. It all makes sense.

Margie: 20:02

Like, they just disappear. They're like, well, at least he didn't like burst into flames. Vampires die, so

Rachel: 20:09

I guess he's dead now. Yeah. Okay, so scene two. We follow Sarai. Sorry, I just woke up. Thrive has been asleep for 11,000 years and is really fucking confused as to why she's awake.

Margie: 20:25

11,000 year power nap essentially. Yeah. Um, so she was from

Rachel: 20:31

she escapes from this stasis pod that she's been in. So right now it's

Margie: 20:35

like the movie passengers basically. Kinda. Yeah. One more Austin

Unknown: 20:38

Powers. Yeah.

Rachel: 20:40

And can I just say how much parameters sounds like a villain in a frickin Power Rangers.

Margie: 20:46

Oh, yeah. So much. Yeah.

Rachel: 20:50

But so she escapes. And she blasts out of her stasis pod is like, oh, fuck, I'm way more powerful than I was 11,000 years ago because magic and escapes. Yeah.

Margie: 21:02

Powers. So she literally did take a power nap. Yes, literally.

Rachel: 21:06

Whoa, she basically so ready for exposition y'all. Yes. Um, so her and her five sisters have been put into stasis pods to because they're all maidens. And in order to be Botros to future Atlantean kings to continue the Atlantean race

Unknown: 21:29

breeding stock. Yeah.

Margie: 21:32

Wow,

Rachel: 21:33

Jimmy's Russell that's

Margie: 21:35

The Handmaid's Tale, right, right.

Rachel: 21:37

Um, and she decides Actually no, I don't want to do that. That sounds awful. And when she was put into put to sleep, which sounds awful like an animal I'm pretty much what she is. She wasn't very good with magic but then she's been absorbing the latent magical energies of the Poseidon jewel thing worse and now hella powerful.

Margie: 22:00

It's it's the it's

Rachel: 22:01

beside but our our dad Poseidon. Oh my god.

Margie: 22:05

Just what is it called the silver jewel or something? And this was called the Emperor Blitz and Amethyst. Okay, well, this I'm just looking at the Sailor Moon Crystal, the Legendary Silver Crystal.

Rachel: 22:17

She's trying to get away when Daniel just kind of appears just pop. He's there. And she's trying to get out through this portal and she's like, alright, you can come with me if you want because surprise. They know each other. We double surprise. They were lovers. 11,000 years ago. Oh, and she went to sleep. Like he was. She's automated. She is okay. I'm sorry. They were like, like, forbidden like we shouldn't be together but I like you and then have things happened. She thought he was dead. Oh, and so she agreed to go and stasis because she ugly. Batman she did. Holy coincidence Batman. Um, so they escaped through a portal together and immediately he's like, Well, I'm not leaving you ever again. And look, I have a reason to live because that is the crux of my

Unknown: 23:06

character. Sounds like a match made in heaven. Sorry, again. I can Okay,

Rachel: 23:14

you're beautiful Usually I'm the one that no, yeah. Beautiful. All right. Scene three. So they pop into existence in the surface world in a random place in Arizona as you do in a cave in the middle of a group of human resistance fighters

Unknown: 23:37

resisting vampire men I was so engrossed in this love story know what the current state of the world

Rachel: 23:48

so many layers

Margie: 23:53

just wait till the vampires take

Rachel: 23:56

so they just show up in the middle of nowhere and it happens to be because this is like some Victorian era level coincidence bullshit. Like we're talking full Jane Eyre of it just happens to be our cousin but no it just happens to be someone that Daniels blood bonded to which means they share emotions forever wait Whoa. Named Quinn my sure

Unknown: 24:17

chill when you're such a dope name. I don't know why I like it so much it's a good name favorite character Daria by the way when

Rachel: 24:23

better than sir write your name and so they show up and a shape changer that is their decides to protect everybody and turns into a tiger like Tiger boy

Margie: 24:35

just randomly shows up

Rachel: 24:36

Tiger fight. Sri is like Daniel's like, you know, I'm going to protect that her because he knows the tiger dude. He's like, Wait, so and so I was like, fuck this shit and turns into a saber toothed Tiger and just like and the dudes like, my bad. And just back.

Unknown: 24:51

Sir, I can also shift again.

Rachel: 24:57

Sorry, in case you're wondering the reason that is actually up to date on all modern history and culture and slang and stuff for the most part is because once a year she comes into a state of semi wakefulness and the jam transmits all of the information world into her brain.

Unknown: 25:14

So just has like a Tumblr feed if you missed

Rachel: 25:18

2016 truck guy and what the hell's happening?

Unknown: 25:23

Damn tingles kind of funny. Okay, and then the gig keeps on going. Okay, yeah, all right.

Margie: 25:28

So his trip with vampire

Unknown: 25:30

in a lot of ways.

Rachel: 25:35

Who's to say

Margie: 25:37

a lizard person but you know, that's my skin is kind of like just sort of peeling off and getting heavier it's it's

Rachel: 25:43

your shots fired.

Unknown: 25:46

Either way, totally vulnerable.

Rachel: 25:50

I love that just you know, dusting nutritionally used is very info Great. Yeah. No. I like that. All right. Um, so this is where we get our just knowledge dump of the find the Emperor magic Amethyst gem. And also your sisters are like dying in Atlantis. The gem is currently in the hands of someone else. And so the sisters that are being supported by the gem are not as much anymore. Yes.

Margie: 26:26

Oh, no, no.

Rachel: 26:27

So people are trying to get survived back to Atlantis because I definitely didn't want her to escape. Although most of them are like it's not right that you're still in stasis. You're right. We need to change these things. But also please come back. You were supposed to be my wife. Yeah, but then I married women. Yeah, you're still my property as long as you're still made it.

Unknown: 26:48

So the other the do diddly Indians are also all awake and doing their thing. Yeah, it's just the lady when you're in sleep zone.

Rachel: 26:55

You know, I think most Atlanteans women and men are just around doing their own thing. It's just I don't know why we're explaining but

Margie: 27:04

they're just like, they're just like backup files. You know? They're like backup files or like a jump drive or something like

Unknown: 27:14

that sounds pretty screwy.

Margie: 27:16

Guys. They don't use a whole lot of logic for the problem. Like maybe we should like

Rachel: 27:24

not essential keep women. So this is where we meet. The character that made me want to throw my book was the most the most we make Melody. Melody I

Margie: 27:38

hate that name. spunky

Rachel: 27:40

girl. Oh, with blue hair.

Margie: 27:45

She can Chibi Moon she's gone

Rachel: 27:51

she's a leet hacks or she's white elite hacks or she's a hacker.

Margie: 27:56

Oh God. She does she's like that enter key so hard. How hard wearing black trench coat can

Rachel: 28:03

pass the mainframe?

Margie: 28:06

So many firewalls so many firewalls.

Rachel: 28:08

2011. Okay.

Margie: 28:11

I'm late. Really?

Rachel: 28:13

This girl? At one point. And this is what made me want to throw my book he uses the word. Well Sariah doesn't really she's still a little slow on some of the pickup on certain you know slang terms. What is dumb mean? Oh, da it's a it's got speak for of course.

Margie: 28:32

I'm gonna. I'm gonna. Oh god,

Unknown: 28:35

I honestly I like to start adopting cars. I love that. I'm totally into that. no qualms

Rachel: 28:47

ever seen girl. Yeah, fucking No. No. Yeah. So I just had to share that little

Margie: 28:54

woken up inside.

Rachel: 28:57

She can't wake up. She just can't wake up.

Margie: 29:01

11,000 year old. Yeah.

Rachel: 29:06

So, um, there's this whole thing where another Atlantean just randomly shows up. And he's missing an arm for a previous battle. And he like tries to defeat Daniel because he's a vampire. And he's with an Atlantean woman and we failed allegories for racism. Yeah, and so they get into a fight and Sir I stops them and then she like oh my god and runs away because how could Daniel cut off this man's hand because communications hard temper tantrum and just destroys everything. There we go. Yeah, that's the best way to solve the problem. It was shit. Yeah, man. It's a man. So they think a mechanic isn't makeup but don't actually kiss. Oh, they're attacked. That's very important. by a group of vampires. Oh, during this evil.

Margie: 29:54

Oh wait, are there good vampires. Damn.

Rachel: 30:00

Only Daniel really only sees the Prime Minister prime

Unknown: 30:07

office Primeau yes really good

Margie: 30:11

old we got good one that was like Congress and now he's gone he's gone. So that is it

Unknown: 30:19

guys you right?

Margie: 30:21

Glad I took that Polly Psych class together

Rachel: 30:25

that's addressed later I'm sorry so they get attacked and there's like some drama with people almost dying and this whole thing and Sir I basically bring someone back to life because fuck you Atlantis and so they decide Daniel and Sir I decide that we have to go find this gym because these maidens are dying Legendary Silver cross Yeah, the Legendary Silver Crystal they have to find this gem because the mains are dying and Sariah is like really like it's it's affecting her quite a bit like she's you know, not as powerful as she could be.

Margie: 30:57

Overnight. 1000 Exactly.

Rachel: 30:59

She's like sub eight so they go to this hotel before they set out hiking in the Arizona desert. And

Margie: 31:10

wait, why are they gonna go hiking out to the Arizona desert?

Rachel: 31:12

She has a connection to this gem and she can find it she's using it as a beacon don't need Yeah, you don't need a Campbell's there. I don't worry. Why they're in the Arizona desert here and Hasek goodness. The first hotel finger fuckin time before kissing. No, I think the kiss was okay. Okay,

Margie: 31:38

he kissed her just not on the lips. Oh

Rachel: 31:46

yeah. Yeah, so, just I couldn't. Okay, so here is one of my issues because there's a lot there's a lot of issues that I have with this book. Here is a very big one. This book you know, those books that are like women can can can like, you know, defend themselves they don't even they can. They're humans. Great, fantastic story arc. When you shove it down my throat. So good.

Unknown: 32:15

Because Japan Yeah,

Rachel: 32:16

like when like, and we're women. We already know that. Like in this vampire fight thing that they're having. She turns into a saber toothed Tiger and is like, No, I can do this. I'm gonna help it fight. She goes out and freezes. As soon as she gets into this fight well ever all the men are fighting and everything she freezes. And then she's like, oh shit, I should be doing something and then she kills someone and then passes out. I mean,

Margie: 32:42

she killed anyone ever.

Rachel: 32:45

But that's not the problem. Yeah, she just passes out. There's not really a reason. She's like injured. No. So the reason I bring that up is because this whole hotel finger fucking time afterwards she's like, Am I still a maiden? He's like, yes. And she's like, Oh, I was hoping I wasn't oh well. Because then I not useful to anyone in Atlantis anymore.

Margie: 33:12

ever given this girl the birds and the bees time and probably a jewel, but

Rachel: 33:17

how much does a jewel?

Unknown: 33:20

Bs it's like snails in like, sea horses. I don't know what.

Rachel: 33:25

Jellyfish jellyfish.

Margie: 33:27

Yeah, on the Tumblr feed of the mind. A year.

Rachel: 33:33

I've seen enough hentai to know where that came from.

Unknown: 33:35

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah,

Rachel: 33:36

right. Yeah. This goddamn book. I told him I know

Margie: 33:42

that she's seen some articles about sex on that Tumblr feed.

Rachel: 33:46

She has no idea what sex is essentially she understands in what the PG version they she understands in theory, the mechanics but of course she's a helpless woman. So her man needs to show her exactly what happens.

Margie: 33:58

I could no

Unknown: 34:01

no, no, that's his company excluded. I hardly a man.

Rachel: 34:08

Oh god, okay, so they finally go out scene five. They got to find the Emperor. So Daniel and Samurai start hiking into the Arizona

Margie: 34:16

so the Emperor's listo Yes. Okay.

Rachel: 34:18

It's the rock. Yeah, I'd like to do a job Oh

Unknown: 34:21

my god. Back into the

Margie: 34:27

rock the rock just with a beacon of light.

Rachel: 34:30

Essentially. Oh, Dwayne. So I'd like to take a brief moment and star cut to another part of the Arizona desert or the Emperor has been found and taken by black sorceress not like actually black like dark magic. Yeah.

Margie: 34:48

The ancient evil.

Rachel: 34:50

No, she's not ancient. Who knows? Um, so IV is this which has taken the stone and she took it and it was way too much power for her to to handle so it killed her apprentice and she passed out she was then kidnapped by a vampire and an investment broker basically the same thing. Wait who are in league? Because they found found out that this stone if used in a certain way can essentially like dividing rod its way to riches and gold and rubies and shed Sure, sure, why not. So they are cooling her and her son captive, and forcing her to use the stone to help them find shit and get rich. Right. Okay, that seems like small potatoes. It really does. But you know, it's fine. Who are you? Oh, boy. So, we cut back to Sir, I just want to give that little background. They're still hiking through the woods trying to find the Emperor. It was just a desert, the desert, the desert and mountains and stuff because there's got to be lots of caves that they can hide during the day for Daniel. And we started noticing that some of the maidens are straight up dying. Because they're not their life force is no longer being

Margie: 36:09

put into a pod for 11,000 years now. Die. Oh my god,

Rachel: 36:15

right. Middle finger from the universe. So, because nothing is sexier than people dying. Oh, no. Sexy time.

Margie: 36:27

My sisters are all dying. We should have

Rachel: 36:30

said they're forming life though. They make a very strong point at the fact that they are affirming life.

Unknown: 36:35

Wow. Yeah. Yeah. To live live for today.

Rachel: 36:40

their boyfriend or sister dies.

Unknown: 36:42

There's a shirt

Rachel: 36:48

god so after they get to Blinken in the middle of somewhere I don't know. He basically runs with her super fast like the $3 million man. Yeah, essentially, somewhere that is nicer than the rocks. I guess. I don't know. They get to get in again. No, just the first time Oh, and then after that. A couple of the Atlanteans just show up and are like you vampire man. Don't touch our woman. No, she needs to come with us. And she's like, Oh, not amazing anymore. Bitch.

Margie: 37:21

Oh no

Unknown: 37:22

Now you're worth US Daniel

Margie: 37:33

Tear Sheet

Rachel: 37:34

Tear Sheet have a white straight men suffered enough

Unknown: 37:42

forms I could share the the show. JK JK.

Margie: 37:47

Nice guy. Nice guy.

Rachel: 37:50

Oh, God, Tam, Tam, Tam. Um, so basically, like, Fuck you guys know we're gonna go do this thing. Fuck you guys. And so they leave. And then they're both like really tired because apparently sex is really tiring. The Emperor thing is really tiring post just really tired. And then never fucking and they were exactly. I'm pretty sure Daniel gotten, like, stabbed in the middle of like a fight or something. So like they're both kind of like not in a good place and they decide you know what we need to do? That's that's exchange blood. Real brief sidebar on how you become a vampire.

Unknown: 38:24

Oh, yeah,

Rachel: 38:25

I want to exchange blood. So, you know, drink each other.

Margie: 38:30

I'm not gonna drink your blood. Rachel. Three times.

Unknown: 38:32

Three. Yeah, typical Beetlejuice Claus.

Margie: 38:35

Yeah, so it's like, I used to drink My Blood three times. And I drink

Rachel: 38:39

but it's like one in one in one. Exchange exchange exchange? Yeah, so the count has taught me one. Ah, is just a blood bond. Yeah, two is a stronger blood bond, I guess. And three, ah, total people vampire. Perfect. Right. Yeah. That's how it is. Um, yeah. So they were at one out of three. Okay, all right.

Margie: 39:07

Because it'd be nicer because they've done they've done like the they've exchanged the blood they've exchanged the blah blah blah.

Unknown: 39:13

The sex was just emotional. The blood is more like this. Yeah, this role magical ancient evil. I don't know.

Margie: 39:20

Yeah. Blood that blood Oh thing and all that.

Rachel: 39:23

Um, so there. Continue. This is like frickin adore the Explorer style. Like, no, where do we need to go next? Yeah, so they're continuing on their journey.

Margie: 39:38

What is it like Dora the Explorer though? Like the cartoon or like that new movie come that's coming on. Yeah,

Unknown: 39:44

right. It looks weird.

Rachel: 39:47

Oh, I want to put it down.

Unknown: 39:50

But it's weird. Some people out

Rachel: 39:54

but so they're getting closer to the Emperor. And they decide to have sex and time again because they're just both so attractive that they can keep their hands off of each other. And you know, it's really sexy.

Margie: 40:05

Exchanging blood

Rachel: 40:10

in the middle of this entire time literally in my notes, not my. So the way that Daniel is controlling his blood lust is through sex. Because it's way easier, like whenever he wants to suck your blood, he's like, I'll just have sex with you instantly. That'll just take preoccupy my mind. Yep. And then in the middle of it, she's like, You should drink my blood. That sounds sexy. And he's like, fuck, and they do.

Unknown: 40:45

But does he not want to drink?

Rachel: 40:47

Oh, he does. He just feels like he's like but that, but it's a whole I'm a monster and it's a horrible

Unknown: 40:54

clothing vampire. Typical, I guess.

Rachel: 41:01

Okay. Contains an anticoagulant that causes the wounds to close up pretty quickly.

Margie: 41:06

Wait, just in this book.

Unknown: 41:10

That's what mosquitoes do.

Rachel: 41:11

Yeah, great. It's basically a giant mosquito. Yeah, pretty much. Are you guys invested? I hope so invest.

Unknown: 41:19

I'm super invested in it.

Margie: 41:20

So I just worried about the state of the world. I was worried about our world, but I'm really worried about this world. I'm worried about

Unknown: 41:25

their law.

Rachel: 41:31

We're about to answer an age old question. Oh, do you think vampires have souls?

Unknown: 41:37

I mean, angel had wonder it was more of a curse than anything and then spike got one himself. Yeah. Other than that, no,

Rachel: 41:43

I don't know. Okay. Well, turns out they do. Oh, yeah. That's great. Um, the reason we know this is because are you ready for some thinly veiled symbolism? After they share sex, sexy stuff, then they share bodily fluids in the form of blood numbers. And then they begin what's called the soul meld. Like one

Margie: 42:12

of those like torches or something, like,

Rachel: 42:15

literally welded together, don't worry, they're about to share something else too. Oh, no. So after the soul mail, these were essentially basically in the reading of it. What I gathered was surprised eyes catch on fire. They both get really confused. And then they both are able to see all of their partners history, which much Daniels murder people.

Unknown: 42:34

It's a lot. Oh, 7000 years. Yeah, it's

Rachel: 42:37

a lot of murder well, and he was distraught at surprise. So I feel like I need to explain this at least a little bit. Back 11,000 years ago, Atlantis was above the bottom of the ocean. Okay. Daniel was an apprentice blacksmith. And Sariah would come by because they had the hots for each other.

Unknown: 42:56

Instead, leather pants Exactly. It's all connecting. I love this.

Rachel: 43:01

Like, like, like pins on a chalk tattoo, though. Oh, that's at the end. Um, and so, at one point, Atlantis is attacked. And Sariah is there in the shop. And so Daniel hides her like in the like basement of the shop and like tries to fight off these people to protect her. And they like stab him and he falls over the trapdoor that she's in. She can't get out. So, at night, though, the actual blacksmith wakes up because he's a vampire. And

Unknown: 43:39

save Daniel by giving

Rachel: 43:42

Sarai the choice? Oh, he's like, you can choose whether he lives or dies. And she's like, I want him to live. So she chose for him live.

Unknown: 43:53

If I was the blacksmith, he was my apprentice. I would have I would care more that he lived in the basement, but I guess whatever. That's fine.

Margie: 44:04

I don't know you but this kid live or die.

Unknown: 44:06

Yeah, weird. Man. I got a weird keyword random people decided people live or die. Vampire. Hey, I like it.

Rachel: 44:16

It doesn't eat people. But he also snacked on samurai so you know whenever

Margie: 44:21

he eats people

Unknown: 44:23

not the whole

Rachel: 44:27

scared he panicked? A wee bit terrible most animals seem as well. So yeah, so that was kind of like and then after he was taken out of Atlantis because he had like the blood lust that happens after you become a vampire, I guess and she was taken to become a stasis go and stasis and she's like I have nothing to live for anymore. So she tries to kill herself. She tries to commit suicide and then they save her and then she gets put in stasis. So it's this whole like, it's very like really it's like Romeo and Juliet, but man Shakespeare was doing a lot of stuff. Yeah.

Margie: 45:12

So does he know does boyfriend homeboy know?

Rachel: 45:15

He's actually in our boys and our

Margie: 45:17

boy does he know that she's in stasis.

Rachel: 45:19

Now he had no idea. He thought she was dead. Oh, yeah. So the homeboy.

Unknown: 45:25

I've heard it mentioned before on the show. I don't know if I've ever so

Rachel: 45:29

a sliding scale. It's a sliding scale. Okay, so homeboy is the real rapey sexual assault the bad end of the spectrum and then our boy is like an actual good human being. Okay, it is a sliding scale because sometimes there's a gray area but he is for the most part in our boy.

Margie: 45:46

Okay, on the last book, it was a little little confusing. Yeah, the last year going back, which is

Unknown: 45:51

the middle of the scale scale be like, Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah, guys. Oh, no, man. All

Rachel: 46:01

of these boys are spelled with an I. Oh, yeah. Okay, clarify. Yeah, yes. Okay. I like that. Boy, homeboy, just part of the Lord. So it is spoken, so it should be. Alright, so it's time for us to sidebar one more time. We're going to talk about why they're in Arizona. Yeah, thank God. Yeah, I know. So they're in Sedona, Arizona,

Margie: 46:31

you know, the first place I would look for it at lancy at a rock, you know.

Rachel: 46:37

So, review this beautiful, dear reader, oh, that our friend Alyssa. Put in the beginning of this book that I just happened to glance at, and I'm so glad I did. To your readers. We took a wonderful research trip to Sedona, Arizona for this book, and I wish I could have taken you all with me. The red rocks of Sedona and the canyons and caves and vortex sites of the surrounding area are spectacular part of our US heritage. Of course, being me I couldn't resist throwing in a little of my own twisted slant on history by adding a vampire Apocalypse to the very real historical facts of the disappearances of the ancient Sinagua Indians. Please visit the places to nail and Sir I see if you get a chance at all. It will be one of the best adventures of your lifetime. I promise as to visiting Atlantis. Well, I live in hope that one day I'll get to be the first to step foot on the last continent. Well, that'd be a story to tell. So I did some reading I on Sedona, Arizona. Yeah, yeah. So let me take read to you the first couple paragraphs taken from their website. Beneath the endless beauty beats a healing heart. Sedona has long been regarded as place both sacred and powerful. It is a cathedral without walls. It is Stonehenge, not yet assembled. People travel from all across the globe to experience the mysterious cosmic forces that are said to emanate from the red rocks they come in search of the vortexes. What is the vortex Sedona vortex is parentheses the proper grammatical form vertices is rarely used are thought to be swirling centers of energy that are conducive to healing meditation and self exploration. Hence the blood These are places where the Earth seems especially alive with energy many people feel inspired recharged or uplifted after visiting a vortex so that's why they're in Arizona because apparently it is a place of power in the Midwest.

Unknown: 48:35

So this this is a day is just dripping with turquoise and copper jewelry.

Rachel: 48:41

I'm sure she wears Amber necklaces and has a lot

Margie: 48:43

of pink Himalayan and she has a lot of shows they shoot a lot of stones just get a certain

Unknown: 48:53

feeling she was paid. Like he got like a small grant from Arizona, like Sedona or whatever. Like you're

Rachel: 49:01

ready for something sad. Oh, she's from Cincinnati. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. She graduated with me Ohio State

Margie: 49:13

and that that education was worth every penny.

Rachel: 49:16

Oh, every every single penny. Um, yeah. So there you go. That's That's why they're in Arizona just felt like I needed to.

Unknown: 49:22

It's the center of power. Sweet man.

Rachel: 49:24

Yeah. So what do you think's gonna happen next, because it's probably not what actually happens next. They're still on their way to finding this gemstone that this captured wizard IV or which IV is being forced to use and you her and her son are being held captive. Oh, right. That whole side. mention at this point, our insurance broker guy he's dead. Oh, the vampire killed him. So who is making who's forcing them to use the nouns of just just there's actually not that bad of a guy.

Margie: 49:54

Oh, oh, you know, just greedy.

Rachel: 49:56

Yeah. Well, his his little sidebar is he wants to get power. that he can do kind of what Daniel was doing, which is where that kind of came up where he's like, hey, when he finally meets Daniel, he's like, Hey, you were finally doing good. Why did you leave? And he's like, take it I don't fucking want it. Yeah, okay, it's a confusing book.

Margie: 50:15

A very strange plot are just way over here and way over here and also

Rachel: 50:19

like, so hard.

Unknown: 50:20

You can't escape the vampire man during the day in era. Like mother and or which little kid or whatever. Like it's weird. He

Rachel: 50:29

doesn't need to sleep. Yeah. enough that he doesn't need to sleep

Unknown: 50:36

at least they cover it that's really

Margie: 50:38

I mean are they super fast or something? Yes, you can fly the kid out the door I would at least do that. Oh yeah, like that.

Rachel: 50:45

They're like up a cave wall so if they did that the kid would definitely okay.

Margie: 50:50

Okay, that makes me

Unknown: 50:51

well played other vampire

Margie: 50:55

Damn I can't wait against gravity

Rachel: 50:59

so what happens next is the military shows up because reasons goodness Yeah. Because reasons. Um,

Margie: 51:08

so was there oil there? Is that why no they're

Rachel: 51:11

specifically going after this vampire and the gym but they never explained why? Because of America

Margie: 51:17

merch. Yeah, there was a Legendary Silver Crystal you bet your ass Donald Trump will be after right?

Rachel: 51:24

Oh, but how beautiful of a sailor century would he be that transformation video

Margie: 51:33

he's like that evil chick who's it? Like the first season who just does barely good name

Rachel: 51:42

Alright, military. So they show up and they capture Daniel and Sarah. Tension sexual

Margie: 51:50

textual tech the show

Rachel: 51:55

so basically the military is just taking them where they want to go because plot device how convenience right so they show up at this place where they want to go and they're outside of these caves and Sarah is like Alright, fuck this and she escapes and gets into the cave for everyone else's so he's she's talking to the the Witch and the kid and the vampire and she's like you guys like you need to give me this because it's killing people. I need the gem and like I don't know, like trust me, I need it. And thankfully the military and all of their infinite wisdom solves the problem for them by stabbing the child. Don't ask me how it just happened. To save this

Margie: 52:32

child separate kids at the border

Rachel: 52:39

in order to save this child's life, she has to take the Amethyst and she saves his life yay um next she's like

Unknown: 52:49

support old ancient Atlantean blacks with like oh shit I got you're too late. I didn't get to do my cool lives or dies things

Rachel: 52:59

at this point she Oh fuck I forgot to say um, after they change blood Daniel and Sir I also exchanged magical powers with the vortex and so they're both super powerful and have a mental connection. That's great.

Unknown: 53:12

But let me real quick so sorry, I should have said of course I meant done. So just so we get everything straight sex that Bond's them emotionally? Yes, we have two blood bonds. Yes. Which blood binds them bloodedly you have a spirit meld which bonds their spirits and then you have a magic meld, which like UPS their power both together. For fusion side. Okay,

Rachel: 53:42

so now they've reached

Margie: 53:44

out to the people I love

Rachel: 53:46

and they haven't they haven't billeted for the third time. Yeah. Okay, yeah, no bloodletting for the third time. Okay. I'm sorry. That's important because she mentally speaks with Daniel. And he's like, don't touch the gym yet. I'm coming and he flies out to help. Weight flies. He had fanfares can fly

Margie: 54:03

oh sparkle in the sunlight. No, they don't say oh,

Unknown: 54:10

he teleported deadliness. Yeah.

Rachel: 54:13

So they

Margie: 54:20

vary just so much before

Rachel: 54:22

he gets there. She's like Alright, gotta save my sister's they're dying. So she saved all of her sisters in stasis. Yeah, yay, the gyms not letting her go. Oh, no. So she's trapped in the gym mental Oh, physically. So Daniel shows up but he's like, No, he tries to get her out but he's not able to. And then the military leaves because reasons. So you guys.

Margie: 54:47

We love you. Our job. You're welcome to the military did they feel the need to bring

Rachel: 54:58

full Task Force and the DUI It gets the call of like, go in kill everybody. There's a kid. I don't care. And he's like, fuck that and then they just leave. I don't know. I like it,

Margie: 55:10

man. Okay, all right. You didn't give us a warning beforehand. Sorry. I should have Yeah. launder

Rachel: 55:16

your suspension. Nope. Gone. So for number two second time Daniel decides to commit suicide

Unknown: 55:30

charge you need Jesus

Rachel: 55:33

because the rise now burn. Oh yeah, it's true. Sariah is effectively dead at this point. She's trapped in the gemstone can't get out. So Romeo and Juliet style he's gonna burn them both because why not? I can't have you nobody can also you're probably not going to wake up. So

Margie: 55:50

this is he didn't he doesn't even know what happened last time. All right, but like she was in stasis asleep. And she came back to like, maybe you should hold on like a grain of hope there. You know, maybe I should believe in plot armor.

Unknown: 56:03

Right?

Rachel: 56:05

These people have that in spades. Yeah. So he's standing or laying out with her on the top of rocks and Arizona like a half hour away from Dawn just waiting. And all of a sudden a portal just opens up behind them and all of these people that they've like been interacting with throughout this entire plot. Show up from Atlantis. Yeah, literally plot armor. Yeah. And then like, no, wait. If you make her into a vampire, you guys will become special vampires that can walk in the sun and you'll also be saved.

Unknown: 56:36

This is wish fulfillment the book and I'm in I'm so into this.

Rachel: 56:41

I want to give better delivery on this. But I don't know if I can like I just have to rip the band aid off and just say no. Um, and also no one's mad anymore. No one's upset about the fact that Daniels a vampire and also like she's not a maiden anymore. And all the stuff that they've been really angry about before. Just totally doesn't matter. It's fine. It's we're just gonna brush that

Margie: 57:03

you're still in stasis to are they still cattle? No, they're

Rachel: 57:06

fine. She saved them. So they exchanged blood for the third time in front of everybody. Yeah. It's so cute. That's sarcasm. It's weird. And Margie Guess who shows up

Margie: 57:26

we love from cited here. If you like my this

Rachel: 57:33

is where Poseidon shows up. Wow.

Margie: 57:36

It's like 10 pages in all caps.

Rachel: 57:45

No, no, no. Hang on. I should preface this by saying someone called Sariah hot chick. And she didn't understand what it meant and had it explained to her and so she

Margie: 57:55

Tumblr download is

Rachel: 57:56

useless right now. And she used the word jokingly and everyone got their like 80s sitcom laugh track. Everyone's giggling and then Poseidon shows up and says, hot chicken deed. Daughter of my ancient days.

Margie: 58:14

Oh my god,

Rachel: 58:15

he just called his daughter I

Margie: 58:17

know. Well, let's face it, though. Greek gods were were fucking all their children. Yeah, they're their siblings.

Rachel: 58:24

Well, and they do make up Tana makes a point of I thought that was just like a turn of phrase recently. Oh, it was quite right. I don't know. So basically, Poseidon has decided that Daniel is now his chosen he becomes a warrior besides a magical tattoo on his boob. Oh, I'm hence the tattoo. And they all live happily ever

Margie: 58:42

actual app. So

Rachel: 58:46

I feel like there's just there's no villain.

Margie: 58:51

I want my library to get

Rachel: 58:54

this right. I have a couple. So there's a couple dog ears in this book. Yeah, that I just quotes that I just really, really needed to share with you guys already. Um, so she made a tiny sound AMone or a PR and his cock hardened to a degree that shamed the rocks around Oh,

Margie: 59:15

yes. You told me about that one already. Um,

Unknown: 59:19

I need sound was the worst thing that like that's the worst thing I've ever

Margie: 59:24

played rocks have been around for a long time.

Rachel: 59:27

Yeah, no, this was real bad. Oh, yeah, it's she also makes a world of warcraft reference. Sorry, gosh, check makes a world of warcraft favorite character by the way. That's sweet. Yeah. Yeah, so I just here it is. How much World of Warcraft Did did you play World of Warcraft? I've

Unknown: 59:47

played me a lot. Yeah, okay, so

Rachel: 59:49

you probably understand this reference and for all of you World of Warcraft players out there. Enjoy. Okay, in the privacy of remote Oh mind you think Melody by the way about another Atlantean dude, the woman had a hand. Oh yeah, yeah. Thinking fell for and context of this man was way, way off base. It was like curling up for a few hours of a few hot hours of World of Warcraft and finding a gnome and Taran hot tubbing and the Iraqi basin Not gonna happen. No way.

Unknown: 1:00:20

She's on Moonglade Am I right? out there. That's the server for it can be shamed yourself

Margie: 1:00:35

physical book, like an e book, I could believe but

Rachel: 1:00:39

so I should also mention No, I will say this book was crazy. It was fucking ridiculous and real dumb. But then he did have two, very probably three very important milestones for this book. One. They use the word clitoris. All right. That's good. Never happened. Yeah. Her hot sweetness. No. You want to know what our personal favorite one is? Yes. Virgin barrier.

Unknown: 1:01:14

Oh, yes. Okay, yeah.

Margie: 1:01:17

Oh, feminine Portal.

Rachel: 1:01:19

Portal. That was it. That's the best so far. Remember that? Yeah. Yep. Feminine portal. Yeah. So they use that. They make actual reference to him actually masturbating. Oh, first time also in 17 episodes that's ever happened. Wow. And they reference cornhole for all of us Midwesterners.

Margie: 1:01:38

Oh, that's very Cincinnatus. Sex

Unknown: 1:01:40

thing. Okay,

Rachel: 1:01:42

beanbags.

Unknown: 1:01:43

It's very strange that that is just children play that right? Because that's a that's a slap in the butt stuff. That is true. That's true. That is true.

Rachel: 1:01:53

In the rest of the world. The game is called beanbags. Yeah, or bags or bags

Unknown: 1:01:58

all very sexual names. Just call us make up a name call it silly time. playing silly time here silly. throwers throwing the corn holes

Margie: 1:02:16

with the balls.

Rachel: 1:02:18

Yeah. God Yeah. So

Margie: 1:02:21

Rachel, what are your ratings on this book? Okay, give it a rating because it's not so problematic that we can it's not that's the thing

Rachel: 1:02:31

it's not problem. Yeah, it's just dumb. Yeah, and not well,

Margie: 1:02:35

she went on vacation in Sedona like halfway through writing this book. She's like, Oh, I've got to include this wow, I'm just feeling the landscape the energy coming through the crystals into my spirit

Unknown: 1:02:47

cashing that paycheck because you gave her a grant for creative adventures? That's that's what happened she should have

Margie: 1:02:55

paid them

Rachel: 1:02:59

Yeah, so Okay, so we break it down into three main tech

Margie: 1:03:03

user thanks for letting me use your city for my awful trash underwater garbage I know if

Rachel: 1:03:08

they want to have their name associated with this bullshit that's true. They do like more taxes and crystals and shit. Hey Sedona it's all about self exploration there in Sedona it says so on their website sponsor. I will totally breach the benefit

Margie: 1:03:28

so much I can't get me near those rocks.

Rachel: 1:03:31

Can you hear them crystals? Yeah, Jesus. Rocks a shame. Yeah, hell yeah. Make your cock so hard. So okay, so home girl is she's great in that like, okay, she's not it's the whole like she's a strong independent woman but she doesn't have to say it so many times that she's not

Unknown: 1:03:57

Does that ever follow up? Has she ever end up following through and like killing someone in being brave about it? Or does she only kills the one person and then thinks

Rachel: 1:04:04

Yeah, okay, and then passes out cool, right? Yeah. Protected by Daniel. A lot. Hey. Yeah, so but they keep saying about how powerful she is. But that's about it.

Margie: 1:04:19

Yeah, they say it but it's never demonstrated she's

Unknown: 1:04:21

so powerful and that's that's the measure that is is what makes her worthy of such a stud like Dana leather pants. Yeah,

Rachel: 1:04:30

he also doesn't have a surname so

Unknown: 1:04:33

doesn't he don't need one now

Margie: 1:04:34

he's not with what Prime Minister whatever Oh, Primus Troy Bri much or Daniel

Unknown: 1:04:47

I was actually I did prescription for prime minister was really good. Are you okay? all cleared up.

Rachel: 1:04:57

She's like, she's like one and a half, two. backstory that like makes it an interesting backstory was just thrown at it like spaghetti at a wall style. Like we'll see what sticks. I don't fucking know. She's so deep.

Unknown: 1:05:09

Sure. So deep love 1000 years old 11,000

Rachel: 1:05:12

years old love and Lantis right

Margie: 1:05:14

11,000 years old but also asleep for that time. And a made in

Rachel: 1:05:20

can't which still don't understand anatomy. How do women not understand anatomy? It's tough,

Margie: 1:05:27

I guess, inside of us racial

Rachel: 1:05:31

you know? So, I mean, it's an important rite of passage in every woman's life do you feel that FALCON PUNCH

Margie: 1:05:42

got to break through that feminine portal

Rachel: 1:05:44

version barrier. There we're talking like I would honestly say like one and a half's across the board. Okay, there that's like her about one and a half him. He's literally his plot point is I love this woman. He's going to kill himself, which means there's no point in him being alive except this woman. That's it?

Margie: 1:06:04

Do we ever is this ever why he randomly gets transported to Atlanta? Oh,

Rachel: 1:06:10

because Because Deadside in Oh, sad

Margie: 1:06:14

bro side and plot armor guy. Okay. And

Rachel: 1:06:17

when he thinks he lost her again, he kills himself again, which means he is useless as a character.

Margie: 1:06:22

And it's weird. That 11,000 years of actually being like, you know, he's a primate or whatever. So we've actually done some shit in his life.

Unknown: 1:06:29

He doesn't let us like wait a couple days like what's a couple of days to him to see if things are really really fun.

Rachel: 1:06:34

Well even talk about he like fell asleep for like, I don't know, 7000 years or something. Like this noise and buries himself in the ground and falls a

Margie: 1:06:43

little weird, but it's very Louis

Rachel: 1:06:46

pots. He's a pots. Yeah. And the plot is just one plot.

Margie: 1:06:50

There isn't one what

Unknown: 1:06:52

No, there's no there's no real villain like the villain is like around for a hiccup but

Margie: 1:06:58

there's no antagonism other than them trying to find a Legendary Silver Crystal

Rachel: 1:07:02

essentially. Yeah, yeah. And the people using the Legendary Silver Crystal aren't bad. No, not really. There's

Unknown: 1:07:07

holding on to it in a convenient location.

Rachel: 1:07:09

kind of mad. But then they're actually not

Margie: 1:07:12

even in the Arizona desert. I'm sorry. I

Unknown: 1:07:14

guess she she got a great

Margie: 1:07:20

rock from Atlantis in the middle of the desert

Rachel: 1:07:22

because the ancient Sinagua Indians disappeared without a trace. And it turns out it was this jam, but they never explained why. Oh, also this. This jam is one of the jams on besides.

Margie: 1:07:35

Oh, that makes zero sense. Okay.

Rachel: 1:07:41

Neat. We got this is not this is a two out of 10 overall.

Margie: 1:07:46

Yeah, that is pushing it. I would give it one if we have to give it anything. Yeah,

Rachel: 1:07:50

do not get it from the library. Do not spend money do nothing. Don't do anything. Although do look at this hot Hunka leather pants, man. Oh, yeah. And fucking tattoo doesn't even show up until the last what is the

Unknown: 1:08:02

tattoos supposed to be?

Rachel: 1:08:03

He's now?

Margie: 1:08:04

She's like his warrior of

Rachel: 1:08:06

Poseidon. Oh, yeah, just means that your daughter I decided in name only. So and why

Margie: 1:08:15

is she a daughter of Poseidon?

Rachel: 1:08:17

Because she's

Margie: 1:08:20

just really tired.

Rachel: 1:08:22

So, thank you guys for coming on this journey.

Unknown: 1:08:25

I loved it. Alright, so

Rachel: 1:08:27

things that I was reading when reading this Whoa. Um, I actually picked up some manga because I haven't read since like eighth grade. Do you guys ever read clamp? I don't know if you were I've never heard of its clamp is like they're like that set of like artists or whatever. They do these manga and I read one an eighth grade called angelic layer that I fucking loved. And I definitely just been to that. Oh, because I just kind of felt like it. Hey, why not? I've been watching a lot of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Whose Line A lot of Whose Line Is It Anyway? Older, new new, because it's free on CW. Oh, yeah. So why not? Right. Yeah. So that's really all I've been consuming, because I'm getting ready for a d&d campaign. Oh, yeah. I'm kind of busy planning on that. Sure. Yeah, it's gonna be great. What have you been consuming? Sir Shawn?

Unknown: 1:09:17

I'm not a huge reader. I wish I was in any kind of meeting what you've been taking in? Yeah. So I mean, I've been playing a lot of Final Fantasy 14 night yeah, I am good choice carving out time to do that is very my character looks like a weird mustache baby. Fun. I love it. That game is rules.

Rachel: 1:09:38

Have you ever watched monster factory?

Unknown: 1:09:40

I have good? Yeah, good. The Mac glories

Rachel: 1:09:44

are my favorite.

Unknown: 1:09:45

Travis anyway. That's a whole that's a whole different but no. Yeah. So that I mean, I've been watching I watched me and my girlfriend love to watch. We like to stay up to date with Project Runway. Oh, yeah. Right but this Less recent season without Tim Gunn and Heidi yeah did Yeah. And it's It feels weird and wrong in the Tim Gunn replacement. I don't have to get too much

Rachel: 1:10:11

more fabulous as Tim Gunn has replaced him God no, no.

Unknown: 1:10:15

The season one winter Christian, it's still good because it's so proud but I'm waiting for Heidi and I think Heidi and Tim Gunn left because of all the Weinstein II stuff because that's my that's my theory Weinstein productions I guess, will Georgina Chapman was married to Harvey Weinstein, Georgina Chapman was one of the producers of the show. I think they kind of distanced himself. I'm dissolve theory. I'm not exactly sure

Margie: 1:10:38

their ball. I mean, like tons of people were involved with the wind seeds. That's kind of what we're all about.

Unknown: 1:10:46

Yeah, for whatever reason, they let I that was my thing that they are not they're starting their own show on Amazon at some point. Watch. We don't even know what it's called yet. But apparently it Tim so it's Heidi and Tim. And apparently they're going less for like home designers or like fledgling young designers. And they're actually going for more established design, which can be pretty rare. That could be good. So that's our that's our project moment. Yeah. nothing any more ways. Oh, it's the best.

Rachel: 1:11:18

Phenomenal Yeah, good stuff.

Margie: 1:11:20

All right. All right. I think we killed it.

Rachel: 1:11:22

Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah, really

Margie: 1:11:25

good. Really, really

Rachel: 1:11:27

good beer.

Margie: 1:11:29

I would have just I'm impressed cuz I just would have been drunk the entire time reading that. I really do sound like an alcoholic. Just like loses my house. Well, now what do you like to do with your free time? Why?

Rachel: 1:11:46

I like to wine. There was wine involved for what it's worth because I needed something to get me through this underwater garbage fire. Yeah. How do you like this compares to our nymph gangs? I think Nick King is

Margie: 1:11:57

worse worse because it's problematic. It has more sex addicts. Yeah, way worse. Yeah, right. Um,

Rachel: 1:12:04

thank you guys so much for listening. We will back me back in two weeks. I don't think with a guest sound but huge thank you to the artist alien area for the use of her song Oh, love of the album be held. So if you guys want to reach out and give us recommendations, or if you want a random romance novel, quote, out of context, we'd love to provide one for you. So

Margie: 1:12:27

in a selfie, then we will describe you in the way that your true love would in a romance novel.

Rachel: 1:12:31

We will do that. Yep. Complete with Jim colored eyes. Yes. Hell yeah. So hit us up on Twitter, tetrapod Instagram textual tension. Website. Textual tension

Margie: 1:12:43

pod.com. Email, textual tension Potter. gmail.com. Good Reads textual tension. Did

Rachel: 1:12:51

I say Facebook already? Textual tension. Okay. Yeah. Ah, I think that's it. Yeah. What about you?

Unknown: 1:12:57

Oh, it's halfway. Okay. Yeah. All around the board across the board. Yeah, it's it's halfway Okay. Ha LF why, okay. Why thing? That's not official, but I like it. But I like Yeah. So you can go to that. That's the website. That's the instead that's the Facebook. That's everything winner. That's the everything.

Rachel: 1:13:19

Beautiful. Yeah. Perfect. Cool. Well, thank you so much for coming in.

Unknown: 1:13:22

Thanks for having me. Absolutely. It's an adventure. Yes.

Rachel: 1:13:26

Everybody involved. Well, Maddie. Alright, are we done? We're done.