Textual Tension
The comedy podcast that unpacks the bananas world of romance novels! Tune in every other Tuesday as one co-host, either Margie or Rachel, recount a romance novel to the other unsuspecting co-host.
Whether you love romance, love comedy, or love both, join us on our truly bananas comedy adventure!
Textual Tension
Ep. 27: Pale Ice
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You know what we need in our lives? MORE hit-man themed romance novels! Join your co-host Margie as Rachel tells her all about Contract Signed by Marie Harte. Because the only thing better than 1 hit-man, is 3 hit-men...and a baby?
Warning. The following podcast contains adult themes. Our hosts are just too romantic saps that love overthinking and overanalyzing their favorite literary genre the thoughts and opinions expressed are entirely their own listener discretion is advised. tearing me apart from Hello, and welcome to textual tension, a love hate relationship with romance novels. I'm your co host, Rachel and I'm your co host, Margie. Every other week, one of us reads a romance novel and summarizes it for our unsuspecting co host this week, Margie gets to listen in with you guys. And together we unpack what the fuck just happened. This is really weird, and I'm a little out of my comfort zone. Why is that? Because usually I don't record first. So we
Margie:you don't get like a practice round. No, I don't. So I like it. Like I feel like kind of relaxed right
Rachel:now. Good. Well, because we're recording something special for later. Yes. And yeah. Oh, yeah. Great.
Margie:Oh, yeah. It's more than just the tip.
Rachel:Hello, Carlos. Never come visit.
Margie:We have a new guest today. Listener. It's Carlos. Danger. Hello, son, your son your danger.
Rachel:How are you? Oh, yeah, you're gonna be in the way he was. Yeah, so cute. So cool. I have a dog in my house right now listeners and the kiddies are less than pleased. So they're very attention starved. There can be lots of kitty cat visitors.
Margie:You record you have a new animal.
Rachel:The Menagerie. I was I will have a cat just just to call me like PT Barnum or something. I have my little circus.
Margie:Oh my god, but not abusive.
Rachel:Yeah. All right. So before we get started, right up front, I have a very special and important announcement. Yeah, so it is really close to this Marjorie's birthday. And I gave her present and her present involves you the listeners. So super exciting. We now have a T public store. We have merch we have merch. So if you guys want to go by and go buy like awesome merchandise of like our catchphrases, and we have catchphrase, we have catchphrases and like our boy or our logo, or oh, wait, wait. There's some great designs. And if you
Margie:miss them all because Rachel is amazing, she fantastic. I have said it once I've said it a million times I came up with the idea of the podcast extreme I'm gonna say that but she's come up with every good idea since I last one.
Rachel:You shut your hormones. Not True Lies don't listen to her. So if you guys want to check that out, we will have all the links on our social because I don't have the link to the store off the top of my head right now. So down Sunday, you'll have all of our links on our social, you can check them out, please check it out, go buy something, it'll be amazing. All of it supports Well, most of it besides what they take off the top supports us directly and it does get told me that we get money Give me money. And we can use that to make the podcast better or I booze? Who knows. Um, so please go check it out. Also make the podcast better. So please go check that out. They'll be awesome. If you have any like ideas for sure. Yeah, let us know about that, too. So there you go. I am particularly excited about the tote bag. Yeah, so check that out. Again, check out our social we'll have everything there. And also while I'm remembering rate review, subscribe. Yes, boobs rate
Margie:review. Subscribe done. We've had some great reviews. Today, though. Oh my god. I'm so excited. All right. Okay, all right. Ready?
Rachel:Let's get into the fun. Are you so listeners I haven't actually recorded an episode in like three weeks because I haven't needed to mark is recorded a lot. I haven't exhausted Haha, yeah, you should be. Um, that said, I read this book like a month ago. So I had to go back and refresh myself. And I refresh. It was refreshing my mind on my notes. And I had that visceral reaction of oh, it was this book.
Margie:Oh, my hair
Rachel:yourself. This is the first book I've ever read that actually physically out loud made me go. So yay. All right. Um, oh, there's two descriptions for this book. Yay. Okay, which
Margie:one should I read though?
Rachel:Read the first one. Yeah. Okay. Are you ready, Margie? I'm so ready. Good. I'm so glad this is just beautiful.
Margie:Oh
Rachel:no, I told you the last one we did was that Hitman thing and Mayan Oh, I don't know how the hell we do that every once in a while we pick very similar theme book. It's
Margie:very weird though. Because we've said that before that like when I'm having a bad day. You will just kind of like it's weird. No, it's weird. Yeah, it's very strange. Don't
Rachel:worry. I'm a science person. I don't believe in that ESP. Shit, but still still
Margie:it's just weird. The coincidence subconscious. Thank you. Okay, so Okay, okay. Okay, but to get into it, it's called contract signed at the title. It's bigger than the author's name
Rachel:and listening now like to that title. I don't think that has anything to do with the plot. Keep going. Really?
Margie:Yeah. So it's just it's a like, it's a close up shot of one dude space except it's just one of his face
Rachel:was a close up shot of one quarter of a dude. We have like, a quarter of a dude comes
Margie:full circle and he's got, he's wearing. He's wearing like, like a collared shirt like, oxford shirt. And he's got like a little like, I love like a little bit of like, what's it called snuggle settle a little bit of stubble that five o'clock shot? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And the author's name is Marie Hart. And she is a New York Times bestselling author. Good for her good for her. It's got a 3.71 reading. And can I go ahead and read the yes, go for it. Don't really okay, just so that I'm not like people don't think oh, man, this there's not much else going on.
Rachel:Dude with like, weird, grayish black ish. And it
Margie:kind of reminds me of that rockhard book that I did because it was like remember.
Rachel:Oh, yeah. Yep. Very strange. I there's there's that aversion to using the full dude because it adds to the mystery. Yes, sure. I
Margie:guess. Sure. Okay,
Rachel:I prefer eye candy. I know what I'm reading was Balaur to yarding. Debt yearning though.
Margie:You're in a dough. Okay. Oh my god. Okay. I just read the first sentence lizards. I've just told you.
Rachel:I told you I had that moment of weight. All right.
Margie:There we go. Okay. reassesses data, baby Rachel, you should not have taken a sip at that moment.
Rachel:I just almost spilled coffee all over my office.
Margie:But no, no, not just coffee but basic bitch juice.
Rachel:You did? This juicy right?
Margie:Don't miss the first of the sexy fast pace romantic suspense series. Trigger man Inc. From New York Times bestseller Marie Hart. No, well, ice No. No to dude. No, right. No. No ice. Cavanaugh? Kevin oz method is foolproof. Get in do the job. Get out meltaway without a trace. Make it no mistakes. This time though. Something's not right to something's first a random attack that feels not so random. But he discovers a baby on his doorstep with a note claiming. Fortunately, the sexy neighbor who found the boy who found the boy first has too many questions in her eyes to ignore a when her husband one or handsome husband I can't reach okay wonder when her handsome mysterious neighbors suddenly asks her out on a date. Adeline Rose has suspicions he's fishing for help with His bundle of joy.
Rachel:So many ellipses by the dates
Margie:and she's convinced Knowles just as distant as he seems until the scorching good night kiss burns away all thoughts of being careful. Yeah, it
Rachel:comes out I'm so sorry. Real bad.
Margie:Now Knoll has more than one problem on his hands splitting baby duty between three badass assassins figuring out how to fit in more time with Addy and keeping both of them safe for the danger that's followed him home. Lots who are the other two assassins first of all, right? Yes. Is obviously based off of that Three Men and a Baby. Have you ever seen them? No, I haven't watched the movie. Okay, Men and a Baby. Yeah, so three handsome guys in the 80s balance find this baby on their doorstep.
Rachel:So in my brain. One of them is Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Okay, one of them and no no is absolutely Oh god. vindi Yes, yes. Okay, I was gonna I haven't decided who the third one is yet. Okay. Well, well, we'll get there. Yeah, figure it out. Yeah, I'm gonna figure it out together. All right.
Margie:I'm intrigued but also like my so my cousin. He has had a daughter and they call her Addie.
Rachel:Okay, well, so her her name is Addie. Oh like that baby she's like yeah, no and so the second description it says at the bottom of this book has been previously released and the second description is super short. says Warning we were a killer with a heart of gold a baby who needs constant changing and unrequited love that's actually quite requested hey go terrible description.
Margie:I glad that I read the first one. Yeah, I would have been like just just
Rachel:it tells you nothing. It tells you absolutely nothing.
Unknown:So
Rachel:So triggers. Oh, so there. Yes, there is murder. There's a body count. Yeah, there's like a brief mention of like a sexual assault and abuse. Cool. reasonably cool, but you know what I mean? Yeah, sarcastic cool. Yeah. Um, I think that's it. Cool. Yeah. Got it. It's very brief like at the beginning. So just the tip, just just the tip of problematic. Good, good. All right, so let's get into this. I still can't believe I picked one that has so many similarities to last was so weird. By the way. Shout out to trashy divorces. That was so much my god. It
Margie:was so fun and the best there's a wonderful way to do part two.
Rachel:Yeah, party's gonna be great. Okay, so no, Kevin ah. ICE
Margie:raids working in sync again.
Rachel:I love it when a plan comes together. Alright, so we have ice. He is ripped. He has dark hair. His core personality trait is that he loves gardening. We
Margie:bury the bodies of the backyard as fertilizer and
Rachel:love there's a chance that comes up. And there's lots of talk about how hot he is. But there's not a lot about what he actually looks like blue eyes obvious. Okay? Yes. Yeah. The next one is Adeline Addy rose. Okay. She is.
Margie:She sounds like she's in witness protection with that last name little bit.
Rachel:She's part Japanese. Okay. So what's the cultural Harry? Also he loves gardening and her last name for us. We've got that. She's lean built. What the fuck does that strap in for your casual racism pants because she has no porcelain skin. A slight Eisler her description was very much like, I understand what you're going for. There is a less racist way of doing this slight slant. What's like, you know someone who's from Japan? That's,
Margie:that's no,
Rachel:I can't go Yeah, I'm curvy. A fourth grade teacher. Oh, and the rest was very, very close paraphrases from the book. This is a direct quote from the book. The side of her breasts never failed to harass him
Margie:like I just imagine like the book Yeah, a lot of a lot of things. We hear a lot we
Rachel:actually don't hear a lot of but we do hear a lot of him being very aroused by just the sight of her I would call that head stick twitching but not explicitly state of
Margie:the art books are like that where they're like it's like
Rachel:it's his cock Twitch like oh my gosh,
Margie:it's like some sort of like you know what I mean? No, I
Rachel:don't know waving your arm means friends and listeners if you any authors out there show and not tell you don't have to tell me his dick is twitching show me how like interested he is yes difference I'm not an author but that's my personal preference take it with a grain of salt All right, here we go. Let's get into this prologue. We have a prologue before seen see hotel in Thailand. With a an asshole dictator general kind of guy. Okay, in a hotel room. A super drugged out teenager?
Margie:Oh, no, no, no.
Rachel:i Okay, my exact notes is open in a hotel in Thailand with an asshole dictator guy about to do terrible things to a drugged out miner um so Roof Service comes in unexpectedly and walks in and the dude's like who the hell are you and tries to get his guards and know who's in the guise of room service guy just string murders this dude I guess he murdered the rest of his guards good. Um, so he comes in and he just straight up wrecks people makes an escape without any issues and is able to complete his hit very successfully get someone to come and take the girl like and all that jazz so she's taking care of Shiva she's taken care of and all sexual assault and stuff is done for the book. Yeah, okay, well
Margie:that was not
Rachel:rip the band aid off when the band aid off quick prologue prologue Part Two he's on his way home where he is quote unquote mugged by a quote unquote crack addict and I say that because he really gets like, the more he thinks about it, like kills the dude with his own needle, which was metal as fuck, oh my god. But the he's sitting there thinking about he like calls his boss and is like something is really not right. This guy looks too much like a stereotypical crack addict and like he didn't act like it just set him. It was a setup kind of Yeah, that's what it felt like Damn. So it was actually an assassination attempt.
Margie:Okay, it does surprise me though, that he has Whole in a way cuz I'm like I figured like
Rachel:they kind of talk about this a little bit. Yeah, so some of the from this we established someone's out to get him Big Joe who's like his boss that's like Joe Joe takes care of it. Okay, so now we get into actual scenes so he is on his way home so his home he lives on an island, like little island town kind of do okay. And it is like his sanctuary because anything he does off the island when he's murdering people, whatever, that's all stays. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. And then he has his little like sanctuary on his island. So work does not come to the island. If he's on his island. He is off the grid like run a deal. Okay, um, so So was he attacked on his island? No, he was attacked. And I think it was Seattle. Okay, maybe so? No, he wasn't home. He was on his way home, but he wasn't on the island. Okay, so now let's back home to his safe slash Chill Zone. And his sexy neighbor meets him at the door with a baby. Why saying hey, some lady dropping this off? It's yours. Let me know if you need help by
Margie:fair but also good for her for not just leaving the baby.
Rachel:Yeah, well, so apparently she like the kid was dropped off like last week. So she's had the kid for like a week.
Margie:She called Child Protective Services. I
Rachel:guess not. I don't know. Yeah,
Margie:probably a good thing that she did it though because they would have investigated him and it could have
Rachel:well he works for the government. Oh, okay. Super secret government, Greek government black project. Whatever. Whatever. I'm on shit. Yeah. And then she just pieces out just like bye. Bye, Felicia.
Margie:Bye Felicia be on your Mary. I'm gonna be out on my merry
Rachel:little my merry little well, and he like both of them have the hots for each other. You kind of get that right off the bat. But like they've been neighbors for like two years and haven't said more than that, like is happening here. And they like haven't said like six words to each other because he's super like, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Um, even though she's like, always, like bringing over cookies and whatever.
Margie:She thirsty.
Rachel:Uh huh. She's She thirsty? Well, it's funny, because when she brings it over, he's like, in his part of his brain is just totally distracted. He's like, what is happening? I have to Oh, fuck, like, he has that realization. And she's like, okay, like, Where'd that come from? Like,
Margie:Well, again, though, the parallels between my book last week are like, Yeah, well, bad book is
Rachel:low bass. Right? And right. So he figures out that this kid belongs to one of three people. Okay, because he's like, there's no way this is mine. I'm always really careful. I always use condoms. Like, I know, whatever. Good safe sex practice? Yes. Yeah. Um, and he's like, okay, so it's one of three of us because there's like a three person team. Like in his room, they did a mission to Mexico, about nine months ago, okay. Or about nine months, plus however old the kid is, okay. And which I think is like four months or something. And so he calls up the three or the two other dudes and he's like, get over here. You're helping with me? Until we figure out whose This is. That's so easy, though. Just go to go get a DNA. That's what they did. So they all there was some issue with the lab or whatever. So it took a little longer, but they all send in samples and getting a DNA test, but they have to waiting.
Margie:Okay, boy or girl. It's
Rachel:a boy. So no. So she doesn't hear anything from him for like, a whole weekend. And she's like, where's the see? Okay, what's happening? Like, she has no idea. And also she has the hots for a mysterious right. So she brings over cookies to check on him. And this just about murdered me. It killed me. Oh, boy. He explains. Oh, yeah, everything's fine. I just Googled how to take care of a kid it's not that hard. Oh did you having a child is easy enough to do you can just do a quick Google in about 20 minutes and as explaining means
Margie:by that is that he Google Local nannies and no one.
Rachel:Okay, know him and the other two?
Margie:Well, okay, but between three people
Rachel:a little bit it can probably took the other two a while to get there. So he was by himself with a child having just googled what to do. First couple days.
Unknown:Guess Google can teach you.
Rachel:I mean, they can teach you a lot but the way it's described in the book is he Googled for about 20 minutes and now knows how to take care of a human life.
Margie:Sure. Okay. Whatever you take like so apparently.
Rachel:Yeah, so Google Google, so he Googled it. So the other to Google that shit. So the other two dudes that it could be or Deacon who I think I figured it out. Pretty sure he's one of the dudes from Miami Vice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then the other one is hammer. Who is joining the Rock Johnson, obviously, Avi. So she comes over with cookies and he picks points are like it's definitely not mine it's one of these two okay, because I'm always careful Oh yeah. Writer and Deacon like starts hitting honor because definitely the dude from Miami Vice and no decides fuck it finally in defense of this I'm asking her out. Okay, well
Margie:yeah that yeah
Unknown:yeah
Rachel:she calls him about that like are you just asking me out because he's hitting on me right? No I mean to for a while and like kind of like okay and that whatever okay
Margie:well I guess it's I guess it's a motivational Lisa didn't do anything Lisa didn't just do nothing
Rachel:at all right well he's like you know as a thank you for like, you know being cool about this and 10 year the kid and everything while I wasn't here, so she says yes, but calls him out on the reason for asking her out so props to her. Yeah. And also, he definitely has quote unquote, checked into her hotel he needs to know about all of his neighbors. I know it's the worst, isn't it? See my baby girl? Um, I'm inviting you in so shut them over. So he but he his buddies like Deacon Anambra kind of call it my like JD been stalking or No, I need to know everything about my neighbors and everything. And they're like, now you need to know that much. You've been stalking? Yeah. Yeah. So that's, at least I call him out on it. Oh, yeah. But that's the basis for a healthy relationship. Sure. Totally. Right. So they go on a date, and it actually goes pretty well.
Margie:Or is it? Does it sound organic? You know what I mean? Like,
Rachel:yeah, it's okay. Like, none of this is written that great, but it's okay. He's, he has kind of canned responses of oh, this is, you know, I'm like Africa. It's like insurance or something. That's why he travels so much, whatever. And it's going really well. And then when she starts asking too many questions, he just kind of shuts down emotionally. That's good. Uh, huh. Good, healthy.
Margie:If you're in that job, a lot a line of work, either don't date anyone or have a good cover story ready?
Rachel:That's kind of my thing. Yeah. Well, he has a good cover story. But that's kind of my thing is like you should you really, and should you be really dating. So to be fair, he's kind of been like expressing the interest of like, getting out of the business as it were. Okay, but still, maybe wait till you're in business when you're out? Yeah. So
Margie:whatever you end up with, I think that even if, like, even if you quote unquote, get out of the business, I would still want to know that if I was with some with somebody did that like?
Rachel:Yeah, right. Yeah. Um, so he takes her back to her house, not like for sex times or anything just to take her home. The same belt? Well, well, neighbors so like houses, but yeah. Oh, and she calls him on being super cold. Like emotionally. You know, like, ice. Yeah. That's why it's a nickname. Because he's like, really good at compartmentalizing emotions and just shredding whatever. You think? That does seem like a very necessary job. Um, so he's like, Okay, fine. One kiss. No hands. Why move? I'm not too cool. I'm not cold. Wait, what?
Margie:That's like, oh, no, no, if you're gonna like, are they make it out? Or is it just a pack?
Rachel:Well, it starts as him being like, I take this as a challenge. I'm not emotionless. Let me prove it by kissing her passionately. I'd got logical conclusions. You
Margie:can't kiss passionately without using hands.
Rachel:Don't worry. They're not using non hands. No hands for long. Oh, good. They get down and dirty real fast. Yo, like, straight up jump each other because he starts kissing and he's such a skilled kisser. They just, they're thirsty for each other immediately. And they do it. Like against the wall in her kitchen. No. Oh. They skip, they're done. And they stop and she just like, looks at him like,
Margie:oh, but we'll play a B. Yeah.
Rachel:Oh, they never mentioned that, actually. But she's not on birth control. And she's like, Oh, I shouldn't be pregnant. I don't think I'm pregnant. This is not the time for me to be pregnant. God I hope so.
Margie:What's what's why she's like doing like the naturals is she doing? Like? Probably, yeah, that's fine. But like I
Rachel:Yeah, so she's like, I don't think it's the time that I should like, be doing that or whatever. And they just like the whole like, I'm always careful. And then just immediately not Yeah. And he's like, I'm so sorry. Let's go on another day.
Margie:Oh, yeah. Pregnant,
Rachel:right. She is less than pleased. And then he goes back to his buddy.
Margie:Here's the thing though. Like, if I'm assuming he was consensual, very essential, very consensual. It's both of their faults, you know? Yeah.
Rachel:Like, like, they it's never one person's fault, but at the same time like, and to be in her credit, she's not mad because she like exceptions like I you know, it wasn't just him we didn't take a pause right and we should have like, you know, raging hormones, right. And so to be to her credit, she's not mad at him. Okay, she's both just kind of like, I can't believe I did that. I've never done that before. This is weird. So he goes back and like debriefs with his friends and tells him what one does. Okay. I mean, you know,
Margie:as you do, yeah, it's the it's just funny. I started debriefs
Rachel:debriefs maybe start cut to an interlude. Oh, where's the management's trench coats a little bit nameless. People are talking about killing our boys. Oh, no jacket back. There's like these like weird interlude chapters of like, you know, the building suspense. So he invites her on a longer date, they are going to see a show on the mainland.
Margie:I mean, it won't last that long if someone gets the other person. Right. into it. Yeah. Let's jump right
Rachel:into I appreciate the hand motions listeners. I'll let you imagine what those words and then a stay in a hotel afterwards. Um, choose credit. They're going to see your Shakespeare like Shakespeare play. I don't remember if it mentions it. Okay, which one? Okay, it probably does. I don't remember. She says you know what? Sure. Deacon can watch the kid. So, Deacon, so watch it again. Um,
Margie:do we do we we don't know who the father is yet.
Rachel:No, I don't Okay, we do not. And they're like going back and forth. And jokingly like, it's an old junior like No, like coming trying to like name the kid but no one knows what to name the kid. So they go out and they enjoy the show and go back to hotel and he sleeps on the couch again, to his credit she sleeps in the bed. And because he's just sitting there and he's like, Okay, if she wants to do anything I'm gonna let her make a move. I'm not gonna push to his credit. Yeah, she makes it like two hours of laying in bed like fuck it all right. Okay. Condom this time they do they do have a condom. Um, and this is it actually
Margie:would have been really funny if they didn't
Rachel:Yeah, well, so she by No no, she initiates the horizontal Monster Mash
Margie:coming before Halloween
Rachel:so this is the first time I told you the smart has made me say you much much. I'm reading directly from my notes. I was sassy when I was writing this much like a game of golf. The stated end goal was all holes. Oh God Oh wait. Oh. Oh holes which you know what if you're into that, that's fine. Doesn't bother me. But the way it was described, especially the whole like have you ever tried a non before? Like once I didn't really like it. You just haven't done it with the right person. Oh, god. Oh my god. All right, god. Okay, you try and stick up your ass and then we'll talk about it. Yeah, so they get real tuckered out after only two holes. Oh, and when they wake up in the morning and he decides to go get them coffee and pastries for fucking fuel. hire whoever
Margie:Oh no, guess what? Oh no, she
Rachel:gets ambushed.
Margie:Oh no.
Rachel:Um, and almost killed almost almost okay, but well so what happens is she get like it gets a text from Deacon that says like, hey, I need your help with something like this something with the baby or whatever. I'm there like I came to the mainland you know go to this place and so she goes there. Oh, no, she doesn't know anything. Yeah, no, she has no idea. Ah, don't worry no shows up and fucking murders them in front of her. Oh, no.
Margie:There. There was three. Okay, so that makes sense. Yeah, I've seen so like so I've seen a K drop
Rachel:where they all conveniently come in and one on one.
Margie:So it's kind of a similar situation right? This guy who is he's? He's a he's an illegal career. So he like does like illegal jobs here
Rachel:and there six cocaina but but No, he doesn't like a job.
Margie:Okay, let's try PG fair. And but like so the girl is like hiding this other girl back at her house. And so they convene on the girl who's with the guy. These evil guys, but there are like 20 of them. maximum of two people I think don't know that. This dude has like super ninja powers. Awesome. I'm serious. Like 20 dudes. Awesome. It's so unnecessary. Oh,
Rachel:all right. All right. So I want to get down to this fight thing, but I need all of you to conveniently come at me one at a time. Thank you. Oh my god, like he
Margie:fights about like a fucking jungle jail.
Rachel:Oh, of course. Yeah, of course. Yeah, we're not Well, so, again to his credit, so he is an our boy. He's not a homeboy. But I still don't like him. Okay, but not in the he's a terrible person way just like, Really dude. Yeah, he's like sliding towards the boy scale but our boys good. So he takes her she's obviously I'm like a little bit of shock because she was almost murdered and also he murdered people in front of her. She like, or he takes her to a public place. She's like, I would be really more comfortable. Yeah, if we were in public when you explain this to me. So he takes her to a public place sits down and tells her all about what he actually does. Okay, which is very poor security practices. But okay.
Margie:Um, yeah, but I mean, I don't think that. I think in my mind if I were her, I think the only thing that I would believe at that point. Yes. I mean, that's fine. That's fair. No, and maybe not even that.
Rachel:That's fair. But like, from his perspective of being a super secret government agent, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Margie:We got about you forget about what big Rachel. True Love.
Rachel:Spent been like, three days?
Margie:Three days? Yes. Three days? Are we counting?
Rachel:I don't know. Exact numbers. It's been like a month and count
Margie:this three people. Four people dead. We get the crackheads done. Yes, yeah, four.
Rachel:And then he takes her back to the island. And she decides you know what? I still like this guy and tells him that, but also tells her friends everything. To be fair, he shouldn't have ever told her. not to tell anyone. No. Also at this point, she realized that she loves him.
Margie:It's Wyatt. Uh huh. No been five days.
Rachel:True love Margie.
Margie:Come on back and my guess.
Rachel:Also, she stalked him to
Margie:how he should not be online to the
Rachel:internet. Well, she
Margie:won't be online.
Rachel:I know. Facebook should not have an online presence.
Margie:Oh, gosh. I was just watching. He's like at the the Charlie's Angels company. That's what it lists, Charlie? Yeah.
Rachel:He's Bosley. I fucking loved Charlie's Angels as a kid.
Margie:Did you see that new music video that came out? No, but I know they're
Rachel:coming out with a new Charlie's Angels and it was super duper excited about it. Okay, so no gives her space. He's like, You know what, that was a lot for her. I not even sure she wants to hang out with me anymore. So I'm just gonna let her deal with it the way she needs to. Hey, wait to use
Margie:fucking empathy.
Rachel:I know. Weird for someone who dies. Um, so she finally comes gonna
Margie:melt his ice cold hard.
Rachel:I know. It's sort of like, gender flip. Do good.
Margie:Dude, I feel like well, I feel like
Rachel:usually we've definitely got a couple where it's like, he will melt her heart of ice. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that kind of do. Yeah, you know, right, whatever. Weird Zagat and listen to a lot of spirits like which is one of my favorite. I love that podcast. And like, I only say it's usually the dude and the chick because these books are very gender binary and then no, that is not okay. Their gender is a spectrum but I just want that's why we say that I just want to get that out of the way. Anyway, um, so she goes over and they figure out fucking the kitchen so you know, crucial step, a crucial step in a relationship if we've learned anything from our romance novels for the past year. You have to fingerbang otherwise it's just not a good relationship. Usually
Margie:though from what I read it's that like so like usually when the character the female character is a virgin he'll finger fucker purse up up there
Rachel:just stretch everything you stretch everything out much like the neck of a wool sweater. Yes.
Unknown:Oh god stretch your head out.
Rachel:Oh, good. Good. Good. You're welcome listeners for every time you put on a sweater fight had a nickel
Margie:because I was axis fail.
Rachel:So so she goes over and they fingerbang okay and agree to finish their date the next week. Their date never finished. Oh, because they didn't get a chance to do anal in the morning.
Margie:Honestly, that sounds like a horrible way to go
Rachel:so start cut to a week from now when no one's getting ready for his date. And he has like not a great time a day like his day is kind of crummy like oh guys are just taking forever to get out of the house and cuz she's coming over to his place and like he's cooking for her and everything. And well, he bought food, but you know, it's fine. And like, you know, just kind of a bad day, you know, to assassin show up and try to murder him. He has to kill them in his house,
Margie:that there's a big mess. Uh huh.
Rachel:Culminating murder with
Margie:them with
Unknown:oh, God, what I'm thinking because like,
Margie:if you murder if you just like strangled them or something like that, then
Rachel:it breaks one of their necks and I don't remember about the other one. But the element does go into the baby's room. Oh, baby's not there. Because the boys took him, but did go in there. And he straight up. He's like, Bitch, this is my house. And he murders them all of this before she comes over.
Margie:So that meant a really big mess on his hands.
Rachel:And so he calls us Deacon is like, hey, unlike ENCODE, like, I need your help. He's like, hey, I really have some trees that need planted out back. Yeah, there's two of them. Goddamn ants. So fertilizer. Yeah, it comes out and disposes of them, which is good and gets and then so by the time she shows up, everything's like pristine and perfect. And he just doesn't even tell her about it.
Margie:That's actually really funny, though. It's kind of funny.
Rachel:And they immediately and await my body count is that I think we're at like, six. Now, to be fair. This is probably if I'm putting myself in this situation what my thought process would be, but she shows up and she's a little nervous, because she knows what's gonna happen. They're gonna finish up that last hole. Hey, oh.
Margie:Oh, is that the other goal? This book is that they're trying to get to
Rachel:anal. Yeah, pretty much. And, uh huh.
Margie:I have never been into it. So I mean, that's
Rachel:fine. And some people are so that's cool. But the way it was described like, I,
Unknown:I don't care either way, I will say this. It's the first time we got a lot of books.
Rachel:It's true. That is true. But it was like the way it was, like explained and described and led up to it was like, yeah, oh, yeah. I mean, they do it in a like, safe, good way. But she walks in. She's like, kind of nervous. She's like, in her internal monologue, like she sees all the food he has. And she's like, let's do this now. Because I've been drinking nothing, but like drinking a ton of water and trying to clear my system for this, and I don't want to put anything else and to me, was like, God, fair. That's probably what my internal monologue would have been too. So don't worry if they finish up with that last hole. Why is he so obsessed with the last helix? Angel, I guess? Oh, no, buddy.
Margie:So he's the one though who is super into it, or she
Rachel:is down for it. Like she's down to try it. But she's not like she's had a thrill. Right. She hasn't had a great experience before. But like, if there's
Margie:a fair relationship, like, I don't know, he makes
Rachel:a point of mentioning that she's, she's kind of kinky, so that's good. I guess. I'm
Margie:okay. Whatever, why I'm having so much trouble with this.
Rachel:I mean, to be fair at once they like, get down. She's like, down to try it would Yeah, be adventurous to the bedroom, whatever. And once they like start, she's super into it. She was the great time. Yeah. Um, so this whole and she like, explains that. She loves him. And he's like, I really like you too. And it's like, kinda down for two and he wants to get out of the business now. For sure. For sure. Like 100% Especially because they attacked him in his home, right? Yeah. Also, this whole love thing happened. Like, I don't know. Two weeks. Yeah. Date three all of which were sex.
Margie:They got to know each other real well, I mean, they say the whole like they had all
Rachel:these Yeah, I mean, we did they hit the mouth. The mouth hole on the second day. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay, one day for each hole. There was two in the second day. Yeah, yeah. Hole in one baby. Oh, golf okay. For the hit hole 123 and four touchdown Alright, so they're like actually really comfortable with each other now. And like it's been a couple days, they're still waiting to actually hear the results from the test or whatever. Because again, there was a mixup at the lab that was doing the test and everything. And so ADDIE is going to meet with so before she met No, there was kind of an X fling that she hadn't talked to in a while, but he was still kind of trying to talk to her a little bit. And she's like, she tells me she's like, Hey, I'm gonna go meet up with him. Because I feel like I want to let him down but I want to do in person. So he should he's like, okay, you know, that's fine. He doesn't get jealous. He doesn't do anything is like you do you um, but he does want to make sure someone's like kind of keeping an eye on her since there has been issues with you know, people on his life and hers at the same time, right. Um, and, uh, she gets attacked. Of course she of course she does while she is waiting for this guy and she has the exploiting like call the cops because he shows up in the middle there's a call the bullies like I'm getting attacked whatever. And surprise out of left field no or ex fling has been in deep cover for two years. And he's the bad guy. You know, this guy that just showed up showed up? Yeah, I'm in the last scene in the book
Margie:bad writing
Rachel:so she gets kidnapped. Oh, of course course and not 11th hour kidnapping. We really need to make a sexual tension bingo card. We really are drinking also about
Margie:God and what what what even was the baby
Rachel:that we're getting there? Okay, okay, there was a little bit of a subplot where like the baby had like a, you know, a single thing that had the word angel on it, which was the codename of another another single, it was like a necklace or something that had angel on it, which is the codename of another like assassin person that had been killed. So it's like it could have been her baby. So there's like a little bit of a subplot with the baby.
Margie:But it's not it's not huge. What if I'm just confused cuz I'm like I obviously didn't read this book but like
Rachel:there wasn't much point to the baby because I never whenever they needed to do something one of the other guys would just take the baby yeah, like it was never them. He wasn't like murdering people while also
Margie:holding my baby like, really impressed. I would have been really impressive.
Rachel:Um, so she's kidnapped Okay, and no has to track her down. And she is taken to like this cabin on the island. And this dude had like
Margie:prepared for this island. Why didn't you take her off the island to be fair,
Rachel:no knew pretty much immediately that something was up. Yeah. So he wouldn't have had a lot of time to get to the ferry to get off the island. It seems like
Margie:you would have been able to figure out a maybe a better way to get off the island
Rachel:was not very small point. Since he was in a while. I don't know. If you think that since he was in deep cover for two years, he would have had a better plan. But yeah, whatever the whatever thing. So takes her to this cabin, and like has planned so he has this cabin set up with like, shit in the, you know, front yard and like he's not probably going to die on his way. And it's trying to get to the cabin to save her or whatever. So like booby trap. Yeah, pretty much. I'm
Margie:gone. Roll with it. Okay.
Rachel:So he makes it in and like there's this huge showdown everything well, before he gets to her and he gets shot like twice. Yeah. And he gets shot a couple of times too, but ends up murdering everyone. And also, Addy is, I guess, magically a great shot with a gun, which has not been mentioned up to this point and kills the last lady that's trying to shoot them. Wait, there's
Margie:a lady. Yeah,
Rachel:there's a lady there. She gets murdered by it again. None of this was mentioned before, but all of a sudden, she's a crack shot. Yeah, sure. Sure. Um, and I have a little bit of my own mini Rachel science corner. Okay. I texted my sister, the forensic chemist. So she is shot it shot in the leg. And she shot in the stomach. Oh, good. Yeah, yeah. Um, but during recovery time. Oh, no. It is mentioned that don't worry, it didn't hit anything vital.
Margie:Is that there's a lot of
Rachel:gooey important things in your stomach area. Um, so I texted my sister was like, Hey, Sarah. Riddle me this. Yeah. Row likely would it be that someone getting shot in the torso? Mm hmm. would have a straight through and through without hitting anything vital and she's like, you would have to be the luckiest motherfucker on this planet. Yeah, that is not how that works. Right. So
Margie:well. It's all and it's like they say that like what the small intestine the large intestine? It's so
Rachel:it's I mean, it's like super super tightly jumped in. Like, jumbled in there. Right? Like, you are a meat sack. Yeah. Like there's a lot of vital shit. Yeah, in the torso. Right. So there is no way that would have happened. I just wanted to note that because I read that and I was like, I no way she recovered in two weeks from a shot to the to me.
Margie:It's funny because I was actually reading a romance novel. I don't think I don't think we use it for the podcast. But it was it was a good one. But like, the chick gets shot in the back in her back, like right next to her spine. And the character mentions that he's like, Oh, my God, because he was like he was in war and one of his buddies like, yeah, right in a similar area. And like, they didn't he didn't even make it to the hospital because right allies died. Right? But like, it was kind of the same thing where like, they're like, yep, she'll make a full recovery. And I'm
Rachel:like, It's the power of love. Pretty much. So yeah, so recovery time. So she got shot in the leg and stomach. She's got two more holes now. Wow We're close to a full nine guys good okay. All right. Oh and he also got shot a couple times and like they were holding collectively we're at a full nine it's fine but so so they both recover just fine yeah because his boss sends a like the the companies surgeon essentially to come take care of them and then because she showed up we get the third lady for this trilogy because it was Addy the surgeon lady and then add his best friend and then there's the three assassin guys so it's a trilogy one for each side I mentioned that Oh, okay. Um, they both recover
Margie:just really fast. I'm gonna imagine the surgeon guys dr. strange and he can't
Rachel:stop me. female Doctor Strange. Oh, females. Even cooler. Yeah, even cool. Yeah. So that like and they both recover really fast like two weeks for her three for him. Which I don't know if you've ever been shot a couple times. Hit us up. Let us know if that's normal. I don't know. Do um, and more sexy time ensues this time with 69 That's how it ends with 69 Okay, bad. I'm a teacher. Let me give you a lesson joke and math. Okay. Uh huh. I understand. Let me get to my last two extras and then we'll discuss extras. We never hear about whether or not she's pregnant.
Margie:What who's the father
Rachel:of I'm sorry, I didn't hit that. Give me a second. I'll hit that. Second they specifically mentioned that you know what he he has to be the one for me because he makes me not want to use protection.
Margie:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Rachel:no, that was the reaction I was hoping for because that too was my reaction. Oh three none of them were the father it was a setup in some way cliffhanger you have to read books two and three. Oh my
Margie:god. Oh my god. That's such bullshit. Yes. Yes, it
Rachel:is. So they don't know who the kids dad is. They just have a child now. And apparently he makes her
Margie:to see me Yes. Okay. Don't
Rachel:don't raise the seams. Um, there are some flaws
Margie:in care of a kid when you're assassins is not a good idea. Oh, and
Rachel:I should mention at the end he does they take care of it. He is officially out of the business like hammer and Deacon talk to their boss. And it's like, I mean, I have
Margie:a good boss, but like I wouldn't trust that no, like, no, because two more bucks for one thing. Yeah, like Yeah, I have many emotions.
Rachel:Many emotions. So God give me your thoughts. Tell me what you think. And you see the similarities between last week's book and this one or two weeks ago?
Margie:I mean, I think that's that's marginally better than Oh yeah. No
Rachel:100% It was because our boy was like an actual kind of our boy
Margie:our boy right? He wasn't our boy but it was also like I can't even say though in the terms of like the spy assassin this that like it made more sense because it didn't know like now No, no, and like,
Rachel:I am totally 100% willing to put on my foot on my suspension of disbelief pants,
Margie:but I'm not going to suspend my disbelief for a baby just randomly popping up
Rachel:and not really having Austin's house much of a purpose at all. Yeah, at all
Margie:like Yeah, I mean, unless so what I mean we're gonna put on my writer pants. We have so many pants this episode of the pants is episode I'm gonna put on my writer pants so if I were going to do that I would at least like put in some hints for the rest of the book series as to why this baby is
Rachel:and they didn't talk about it a little bit Yeah, cuz there's got to be so yeah, let the kid right and then what the basically what shakes out as is the it references this previous like person that had been killed the dude that kidnapped her was trying to get revenge for this woman's death because he blamed it on hammer Deacon. And no, even though they didn't really have anything to do with it. Yeah. So it came down to like a revenge kind of deal, which is why these people were being targeted. Yeah, but I don't know. It just seems kind of a you could have had these people being tired. targeted without there just being a baby.
Margie:Right? Yeah. Didn't need to be. Yeah. So we'll see. I mean, well, we won't see but
Rachel:no, no, we want Yeah, well, I'm
Margie:not reading it. No, we're not now not devoted enough to that, anyway. Yeah, Rachel, while you were? Yeah, not reading that. What were you reading or watching? Well, wait,
Rachel:let's read it first. I'll read it. Right right at first. Yeah. My Honestly, my biggest problem with it was the, like, this whole, his obsession with getting anal. Yeah, was weird was just weird. It was weird. Like, again, I have no problem with that especially and no problem with it in the book. But his obsession with it was weird. After
Margie:like such a short time of being.
Rachel:Yeah. And like, they ship with her. They've been like, to be fair, it was completely consensual. They're both down, which is fine. And
Margie:like, there are lots of other things you can do.
Rachel:Obviously, once you've hit all the holes, you're in love with someone. So that's why he just really wanted a serious relationship. So he tried to get all the holes as quickly as possible.
Margie:Yeah, maybe if you wait, so I'm gonna quote Ali Wong. Maybe if you maybe if you use different holes, you'll feel like you're fucking different people. Hey,
Rachel:now he definitely has the hots for her. Remember, the side of her breasts never failed to arouse him? Oh, right. Yeah, of course. You can't forget that. Yeah, very important. Yeah. And then my other big thing is the whole like that whole. He makes her not want to use protection. No, I get if you want a child, but you've been with this man for I don't know, two weeks maybe. Right. And like, you were really concerned because you both forgot to use condoms. Because he's so careful all the time. And what
Margie:the authors say is that she knows that they're gonna end up together like, all right. Cancer understands that. And so she's kind of less concerned. They're using it. But like,
Rachel:I get what she was trying to say. Because, again, it's this whole like, we're really connected, but their entire relationship is based on sex at this point. Yeah. Yeah. And that's about it. Yeah. Like, a wiki
Margie:likes gardening.
Rachel:Oh, he does. He loves gardening. Also, he's rich. Yeah.
Margie:So you don't need a personality if you're rich. No, it's true. I'm good. Jeff Bezos.
Rachel:Yeah. You say his name three times he shows up through your Alexa. Like, so it's just like, she was really concerned about that. He was they just put too much emphasis on it. I think that was the problem is like, it was weird because of how often it was called out. Right? Like how often it was like, I'm gonna fuck you in the ass or how often it was like, I'm so careful with sex and then not like it was too much. Yeah, like, yeah, if you really want to do anal, Grady do anal, but don't bring it up every three minutes. Amy has
Margie:been having unprotected sex. A lot of women you should have been doing animal is possible.
Rachel:Can't get
Margie:pregnant out of that hole.
Rachel:Okay, okay. Okay, hilarious. Okay. So with him there for just, I'm gonna say two out of five. Okay, because like, again, it was just really weird and unnatural. How obsessed he was with sex and anal in general. Yeah. And like his personnel. It was just very like, I am a robot and I learned human emotions from the internet much like caring for a child.
Margie:was ice ice. Oh, why
Rachel:have I thank you. I was gonna say why am I? He's like a two out of five. Okay, what about her? Uh, her other main plot or character traits are sex. And, and, like, oh my god, I'm shocked. But then it's fine. I like him anyway. So I'm gonna say another two out of five her
Margie:her personality built around him. They're actually both built around each other, which is Donna. So they make this one. Three quarters of a human.
Rachel:Yeah. So they just, there are two just kind of very shallow characters that are built around each other. Which is actually interesting because usually it's like one is there's like one that's developed and then one that shallow and built on the other one. So they
Margie:both had that before, right. And I will say
Rachel:my one thing is so her friend I didn't mention her a ton beautiful. Um, is actually I think the most interesting character because she is like a Spitfire and it's like no, fuck you. So was she in another book in the trilogy? Okay, well, so she actually it was kind of a fun character, but the rest of her kind of like met me puddles. Yeah. So to add five plus three out of five.
Margie:I mean, it wasn't really even a plot is the thing I know we say write a lot, but there really wasn't.
Rachel:A plot was there. It just just wasn't well implemented. I think it could have been done it could have been done. And if it was If it was like,
Margie:well, they could be that like, if you view it as like the whole trilogy. Right.
Rachel:And it could have been honestly, it could have been, like, done well, I think it could have been it just wasn't necessarily in this case.
Margie:I mean, I think that a lot of romance novels though, I'm sorry to keep interrupting you're fine. Is there you know, and that's fine to practice you know? And right. The same thing as fanfiction. Like you go out there, you write stuff you have fun,
Rachel:right? And also, like, I think my problem with like, it's possible in the context of the entire series, it's better, but each individual part sauce does stand on its own. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So because these books are usually written in a way where you can usually jump into two right three and be fine.
Margie:It sounds like they wouldn't be able to just because of the fee. Yeah, thing that's fairies. You know, that is fair. That is? Yeah, baby thing is just like still throwing you off?
Rachel:Yeah, I bet I would bet the baby makes a lot more sense if you read two and three.
Margie:And here's the thing about the baby too, is that so I know you've never seen movie Three Men and a Baby, but it's totally based off. But I think having the baby with three assassins could have been really fucking hollow
Rachel:would have been, again, holding the child in one hand and murdering people weren't funny. And I think that like
Margie:the fact that he was a kid. I think that the fact that he googled it in 20 minutes, took away a lot from the character Yeah, added in there, like him being frazzled and freaking out, like, what
Rachel:do I do? Right? Well, and it just kind of turned into it was just there didn't really have any impact. They had to try. They had to juggle the kid like, Alright, I have to go do this thing. Well, you take him and like that was it. And that's not it was like, three dads, okay, you get them every other weekend on Wednesdays, and I get it like on holidays, and Tuesdays or something like that.
Margie:I'm like, it could have been really funny to where like, the were like they're going into like a knife shop. And then one of them was like carrying the baby and, you know, like stuff like that. Or like, have like the kid like Rabago like, and I feel like certainly out there. So because he's teaming, and they're like,
Rachel:oh, it could have been great. It could have been done well, but it just it wasn't it was okay. So and then the Smite. And I realized that Smite is very subjective, and that's fine. I wasn't particularly into it. Because again, I'm not a fan of golf. Yeah. Just so I would say like, maybe one and a half. Honestly, what out of five? Yeah, yeah. When I was like kind of read as was straight porn. But in written form, which I get like, Y'all, I get this a lot of well, it's just Romans 12. As you were just read it for the smart, right? It's like no,
Margie:because you must if you want just smart you read erotica. Yeah,
Rachel:different. We're reading romance novels, which is more emphasis on the actual relationship erotica.
Margie:Sure, because it does. A lot of them do contain romance, right? It's in the same kind of field. Right? Same thing.
Rachel:No. And this is like, it just felt like I was watching just porn, which whatever porn is fine, but it was just kind of it just took me out of it. So like one and a half again. I know it's subjective, but it wasn't particularly my thing. Okay, book overall book overall. When I was rainbow hands. One to 10 I would I would say like a three. Okay, solid three or lower and it was me. So don't buy it. No, I'm gonna get it. No doubt not worth it. Not worth it. Unless you just really like ADAL Yeah, which is fine again, but he just
Margie:really like Dane are really into anal. Like, they're also like, a lot more like, like I said earlier, erotica books.
Rachel:And to be fair, at least, like he took care of her afterwards. And like, it wasn't like, it wasn't like just but blaster and then
Margie:Rachel what? Okay, reading,
Rachel:resuming, consuming. Um, I have been, I think I mentioned it before going back and rereading one of the rings, which is a process it is a long process, but it's been wonderful to watch. It's Oh, I love it so much, though. And also, I have you ever read the comic XKCD online, you've probably seen it. It's like a six figure deal. So it's done by a dude named Randall Munroe who used to work for NASA. And he has a couple books out one of them the first one is called What If which is ridiculous or scientific answers to ridiculous questions. And it's hilarious and it's the sciency kind of shit that I love. Yeah. And then he just came out with a new one called How to and so it's like really in depth and absurd scientific solutions to basic problems. So like how to move your house and it starts out with Okay, yeah, you could pack everything in boxes and it would take this long so you're moving this far it would take this long to walk every single box and then all right let's attach rockets to the side of your house would that be possible and like I want to love them out let's How would I scientifically to make a lava Mote like that's kind of cool, hilarious. It's a great book highly recommend. So that that is my my consumption. All right. Consumption, consumption. Good um, so thank you guys so much for listening to Hitman number two.
Margie:Yes I
Rachel:can hit me back in two weeks. Yeah, um we have the Scotland scourge we need to come up with something for this. Yeah, um hopefully the next one's not hitman. Yeah, so come back check out our new merch on TeePublic check out our social for all of that and can they find our social Margy on Twitter?
Margie:So you touch upon Instagram, textual tension pop, Facebook, textual tension, Goodreads, textual tension, website, textual tension pod.com and Gmail textual tension Potter gmail.com Perfect.
Rachel:So check that out for our merch huge thank you to the artist Ellen near you for the use of her song Oh love of the lamb Hello. And thank you guys so much for listening.
Margie:Thank you and Teddy's Thank you there
Rachel:it is. Yeah, and have a great spooky season have a spooky are. Well, it's my favorite. So you said yeah, I love movies. You know
Margie:what seasons my favorite