Textual Tension
The comedy podcast that unpacks the bananas world of romance novels! Tune in every other Tuesday as one co-host, either Margie or Rachel, recount a romance novel to the other unsuspecting co-host.
Whether you love romance, love comedy, or love both, join us on our truly bananas comedy adventure!
Textual Tension
Ep. 33: And Now for Something Completely Different
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Who's ready for something ridiculous and refreshing? Well maybe not refreshing....but for sure hilarious! This week, Margie tells Rachel about Ross Patterson's At Night She Cries, While He Rides His Steed, a "Romance Novel for Dudes". What exactly does that tag line mean? Let's find out together!
Hello, and welcome to textual tension, a love hate relationship with romance novels. Every other week, I, your co host, Rachel, jump in here and give you guys, all of your news and special updates that you might need before getting down and dirty with the actual episode. We have some exciting news this week, guys. Specifically, we are running a giveaway on all of our social media. So if you guys want to check out us on At textual tension pod across the board, so that's Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, we will have some really cool stickers that we are giving away. And the way that's going to work is if you for every person that you share it with, we will add your name to the drawing. And that is three stickers across three social media platforms. So in theory, you could win three stickers if you share it with just so many people. So check that out. And while you're at it, maybe consider going on rating reviewing and subscribing to us on your favorite podcatcher. Your reviews really, really help. And if you do write us a cool review and hit us up with some of your deeds, we will send you some really cool stickers that are different than the ones you can win on social media. Those are exclusives. So please do that. We really appreciate it. We do not actually pay to advertise the podcast in any way. And we rely on you guys, and you have been doing just an amazing job so far. And we love you so much. But it is always helpful if you just kind of spread the word to someone that you think might enjoy our podcast as well. Speaking of you guys and enjoying our podcast, we have a Patreon. So if you guys are interested in getting some maybe small 20 minute extra soda for the end of each episode, bloopers, seasonal episodes, all that kind of thing. Check us out at patreon.com/textual tension. Remember, you cannot search us through Patreon itself because we do publish adult content. So you do have to go to patreon.com/textual tension and you will be able to find everything, all those little extra extras, et cetera. On that note, a huge thank you to Suzy, our most recent patron, you're wonderful, we appreciate you. And don't ever change your great just the way you are. And hey, before we get into this episode, just wanted to let you guys know it is a listener recommendation. So if you have any recommendations for is the books that you want us to check out, let us know hit us up anywhere there is a Contact Us tab on our website at textual tension pod.com. And we love to hear from you guys. So hit us up, check out our T public store. I think I've hit everything. So without further ado, please enjoy episode 33. And now for something completely different. tearing me apart from
Margie:Hello, and welcome to textual tension. I love hate relationship with romance novels. I am your co host Margie and I'm your co host Rachel every other week one of us reads a romance novel and summarizes it for the other unsuspecting co host this week. That co host is Rachel me. Yes. Wow. Whoa. Together we unpack what the fuck just happened. Take us up Now Rachel,
Rachel:you're you're gonna make me spit take my car. Oh, I will warn you. This just cleanup. I don't want to do this book.
Margie:I told Rachel earlier but it comes from one of our Patreon subscribers subscribers. Hey so much Christina.
Rachel:And remember, if you're a Patreon subscriber, you get preference on our recommendations. Yeah, so yeah,
Margie:yeah, she sent us this via Facebook. Nice. And I don't know, I should have asked where she found it. But I legit have. I should have asked. So reach out to us and tell us like on Twitter or Instagram how you found this?
Rachel:Yeah, and we've only showed the cover to Zack I have not seen it and according to him, we've done it again where we picked very similar books. So
Margie:that means the Meet Zack though. Have a Vulcan mind. Yeah, exactly. It's
Rachel:mine. Yeah. Oh, okay. So real quick before we start. I do have some business to attend to. We have right now what I'm calling a Rachel science corner addendum. Yes. So we have been talking a lot about Dick twitching. And whether or not it's actually possible. Yeah, as you may know, neither Marjorie nor I are individuals with pain. Yeah, so we were not aware but one of our lovely amazing fans, Caitlin, hey, Caitlin, who also happens to be a biomedical engineer, so don't do that. Yeah. Send us something on Instagram that says, hey, Diggs can Twitch, the more you know yeah, I'm gonna go and read what she sent me because it's awesome. Yes, it says while there aren't any muscles in the penis itself the pelvic floor muscles can flex to move it the movement is very slight which is why it probably is referred to as a twitch similarly the I'm gonna butcher these muscle names cremaster Undertows muscles, hey, maybe moves the scroll down to help temperature look
Margie:at that darters muscle Hey, baby.
Rachel:Um, and there's a reason the testes are outside of the body, they need to cooler temperatures for sperm. So it's really more of like a temperature fluctuation kind of do. But the scroll sack can flex so there's your biomed moment
Margie:I love the picture that was on that oh my god ARB as
Rachel:I showed that to Zack, and he lost it. Great article, by the way. That's wonderful.
Margie:I will post that. Thank you so much, Caitlin. Yeah,
Rachel:we love to hear from you guys. And honestly, like,
Margie:I'm glad Yeah, I love to hear from people. But also like, I'm glad like somebody like, it's okay to be wrong.
Rachel:We're just gonna say so the reason I'm calling this an addendum is because if y'all ever hear something and call bullshit on me, because I'm not an expert in all of Sciences, or even something else that's not science, right that we talk about. Totally call us on it. Because being able to admit you're wrong is super important. And we live for that shit. Yes.
Margie:We're here to learn. Exactly. Educate. Yeah.
Rachel:So thank you Caitlin, be educated educating us on that very, I think important.
Margie:And also she'll be getting some stickers in the mail as a thank you.
Rachel:Oh, hello, Carlos. Hello, Carlos Danger. You interact with us so much more in our little hidey hole like this, which is surprising. I know. I think because it's new and different and it's in his space. Okay. All right. I am Rachel Vardy said I know I say that. I'm very excited. Every goddamn
Margie:Oh, you never know. Surely you should be cool. All right. You ready for this cover? Are you okay with it? If it's only in black and white? A lot hit me.
Rachel:How the fuck do we pick similar books? I
Margie:told you. I didn't.
Rachel:Um, man. Oh God, romance novel for Jews. I'm so pleased. Okay. Okay, y'all. So this book is called at night she cries while he rides his steed. A hell of a name. A romance novel for dudes by Ross Patterson. Author lover hero. Okay,
Margie:so I gotta find the description of
Rachel:this cover is kick ass in just the most ridiculous goddamn way. Okay, so it is actually an illustration which is rare, I have to assume because it's a quote unquote romance novel for dudes. Also, there's a lot going on here. So I'll do my best. There is a shirtless dude with a bandana around his neck cowboy hat, a woman over his shoulder wearing fishnets like thigh high stockings with lace and panties. So we're just as we're talking like this is like a fireman's carry kind of deal. Hmm. Um, he's got the mythical eighth AB. Also illite stick of dynamite in his pants and that vibe isn't gonna end well, Dean. There's another woman down near his pants looking in various states of undress staring up at him longingly, there's a a hand coming up from behind what looks to be the entrance to a saloon door at the bottom holding panties with a heart on it. There's another woman behind him with alcohol bottles around her and you just see her legs hanging over a wall she might be dead well then there's a dead dude to her to her right there left there's lots of murdered dead dude. There's another dead dude on the top of a building up to on the top of a building. Okay, and then one of the buildings is on fire. So if that didn't if that made financial sense to you look up at night she cries while he rides his steed I guarantee there's not gonna be very many books by that name. No, no, okay, I want you actually more weight of this series or books by that name. Okay, okay. Okay. So, I and I cannot stress this enough. What the fuck? You go, here you go.
Margie:Here you go. Okay, all right.
Rachel:Um, okay, interesting. At night she cries while he rides his steed is a sidesplitting satire that perfectly parodies romance novels and Western dramas. So I'm going to take all of this with a grain of salt,
Margie:please. Okay,
Rachel:you're gonna have to Oh good. Okay. Our hero St. James St. James is a tall, extremely muscular 30 to 32 year old man who attributes whose attributes and possessions include a mind stronger than Socrates on acid. Horsey loves more than anything in the world. A package so large that it requires a signature of beautiful passionate wife with a rack so perfect. It belongs on a billiard table, a ton of children and his own personal gold mine. Okay, his life set in 1849. Against the backdrop of the California gold rush,
Margie:I'm pretty sure that the time changes at 40s 1870
Rachel:is, is one long parade of amazing sex. Dynamite montage is whiskey and explosive gunfights. The kinds of things men could do when men were actually men. He's the richest man in town, equal parts loved and feared by all. But when the schlager brothers come into town, so two comes the end of the good times. St. James is forced to defend everything that matters to him, including but not limited to prostitutes, his horse money and drugs. Oh, and his wife and children to sort of God help anyone who stands in his way. You say you said this was really problematic, but I'm gonna have to take everything as sarcasm. Yeah, it's
Margie:a joke. Okay, good. All a joke, but it's also just like, oh my god, this book is like,
Rachel:so bad. Yeah, but like, Oh, this is gonna be fun. Oh, it's gonna be fun. It is gonna be my exact sense of humor. So all of the terrible things but all of the like a hot right. Okay, sure. This is wonderful.
Margie:Yep. Yep. It's also so I have to put in a disclaimer up there some very heavy racism in here. Oh, double. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Jesus. Christ. Horrible stereotyping. Oh, wow. Yeah.
Rachel:Okay, so, so, um, I, I am and I don't have any paper over here for fully work. Alright, so I have my bingo card up. What are our triggers?
Margie:So like I said, racism. I'm trying to think thank God. I don't think he ever he never. At the very end of the book he thinks about raping someone. There's a lot of violence, gun violence. Pretty sure knife violence. So
Rachel:one case where it's the thought that counts really does count. Yeah, it's still a great.
Margie:It's a like, right. It's all told from the perspective of St. James St. James. Yes, St. St. James St. James, because he didn't want to have st twice because of the St. St. James St. James.
Rachel:Okay, okay, so he thinks about raping someone. A lot of gun violence. Yes. Anything else? A
Margie:lot of murder. A murder shit ton of murder. Good. Um, any of drugs drug use and abuse? Okay. Um,
Rachel:drug abuse or people abuse? Yes,
Margie:yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. Yes. Like I said, heavy stereotyping, racism, all of that. That was the thing that made me uncomfortable. The book I was like, Oh, no. Okay,
Rachel:so I'm actually Sue is that all of them? I think so. Okay, so I'm actually super duper interested because this is so different from from what we normally do I know also like, so here is something that you may not know about Rachel. I grew up watching John Wayne movies. Oh, yeah. My grandma had almost every single John Wayne movie on VHS and I watched most of them. I fucking love
Margie:show me a clip of one. Yes. The one where
Rachel:he played Attila the Hun. Yeah, without changing his accent. So good. In the worst way, the worst. Um, so I'm actually really, really excited to read it. Like listen to a book whose entire point is to poke fun at that shit and romance in general. I'm really excited. Okay,
Margie:so I feel like I do have to put in another disclaimer of I didn't write notes. So you're fine. Sorry about that. It's gonna be great. Okay, so this book opens up with St. James St. James in a mine. Okay, and he's pretty much forcing who he calls the China man? Good. Good, sir. I like to dig in this mine goes he knows there's gold in there.
Rachel:Of course. Yeah. He just knows it.
Margie:And so they find gold. Yay. And Holy fucking shit. It's real hardcore American Gold and I'm fucking rich.
Rachel:Okay, yeah. All right.
Margie:Um, yeah, that's, that's the first chapter of the book. So it's now four years later
Rachel:Okay, so it kind of gives a little bit of backstory to how he we now he's filthy stinking rich has a great lots of kids life that he's gonna cheat on constant. Yeah.
Margie:So he um, he walks into a whorehouse with a burlap sack full of gold and picks, get some whiskey, and then picks two prostitutes to actually have sex with and then one of them's only four. So he's she's just gonna watch them have sex? Yeah, there's like an all the women in the bar. Obviously, the moment he walks in, or like natural sex with me. Yeah, of course, immediately.
Rachel:It's like Julian of Macedon. Everyone's just falling over themselves. Yeah,
Margie:yeah, exactly. Exactly. Oh, yeah. So yeah, that's the that's the first chapter. He has really, really loud sex.
Rachel:Okay, but does his does his orgasm scream? Can it be heard across town?
Margie:It can't be heard across town. It can be heard throughout the bars that when he exits the room, it's really late at night and everybody cheers for him. He made sure the other girl the girls come first though.
Rachel:What a gentleman.
Margie:Oh, I know. Except for the girl who just because to watch. Wow, she's only a four out of 10
Unknown:Naturally.
Margie:And I can't remember if this is the towel the time he has sex with. Oh god. I'm rereading this and I'm like, What the fuck is his bug? Okay, um, I can't remember if this is the time where he lets his horse watch him have sex through the window. I think that that's the other time though. This time, but at some point.
Rachel:I'm like, I feel like I'm, I'm having a moment of just like life it changing my life because this is a romance book.
Margie:Like it's technically.
Rachel:But it's so different. And like, I don't even know how to rate it when we get to that point. All right, all right.
Margie:So he leaves the the brothel bar, whatever the fuck it is.
Rachel:And leaving a string of satisfied women behind him.
Margie:Exactly. Um, he should. And then he goes home and like, I didn't read the description of this book. So I didn't realize he had a wife. He's like, I'm gonna go to my wife and children and I was like, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by any literally like he has. He's rich. Remember? So he only has a 14 bedroom house? Because he wants he wanted it to remain tasteful.
Rachel:Well, but his 12 Children, right?
Margie:He's seven. Okay. All right, seven. Uh huh. And he goes up to his house. There's a river like I'm imagining a moat around his house. And he washes his dick and balls of the river to wipe wash off the sex.
Rachel:She knows Don't worry. Oh, she
Margie:knows she knows.
Rachel:It doesn't wash off the syphilis sir.
Margie:Sir There no syphilis. Like, Oh,
Rachel:of course not. He's he's too rich for Salus literal.
Margie:So, um, Lauretta his wife is like, hey, where the fuck have you been? Like the kids are starving. And he if he's like, What do you mean? She's like, it's 230 in the morning. They've been waiting to be with you. And he's like, Oh, because he literally sprinkles gold on top of their food like little cool
Rachel:is not a real boy.
Margie:Give slippy be like the water. You're old. A chunk of gold for tea thing.
Rachel:This is not a book. Book. It's a real Okay,
Margie:so he has her make him a bath.
Rachel:Excuse me, sir. You Stay down.
Margie:Stay down. Hey, I'm fine. So he makes he makes Lauretta pour him a bath. Draw him a bath. Yeah. And then they have sex of course.
Rachel:It like better or worse than the prostitute?
Margie:Oh, no, I'm sorry. They don't have sex because it's his wife. They're making love. Oh, he's very particular. Like we're making love because she's my wife.
Rachel:Okay, shirt James sure
Margie:sure sure
Rachel:that James St. James
Margie:Adrian whenever it's in the bath and so like the rhythm of the rhythm is so big that it's like causing waves and so that the children have to like pick up the water or something also
Rachel:sweet lord. Yeah. Okay, hot damn.
Margie:Oh, I should also say this books a little homophobic. I forgot about that one. Oh, good. Yeah. Okay, so he goes back. And so um, St. James St. James goes back into the town the next day, and he finds out that he is may no longer be the richest person in town. Oh, no, I know, gas bad that it's a bad situation at time. He finds out that there are these guys named the schlager brothers. All right. Yeah. And they're kind of taking over German. They're, I think they're German. It's something else I can't remember. It's mentioned and it's very racist. So they're, he's like, Oh, I own the mine here. And then they're like, Yeah, we own the rest of the mines here. And he's like, what? And so then he like. So they own the deeds for all of the other mines in town, which apparently is a lot. Okay. They they use a beautiful European topless women to go down into their bodies. And St. James St. James is like, Why did I think of that?
Rachel:Hey, oh, shit. Fuck you. I mean, this is 1849 There's OSHA. Oh, she's not a thing. It's just
Margie:it's so strange. Okay, so he goes to the deed office St. James St. James and is like, I want to buy every mine in town. And the deed guys like you can't the schlager bought brothers already bought them all. And there's either like 1517 or 19 Brothers, but it's constantly changing more brothers are constantly being created as fast as their sisters can make them
Rachel:just go, just keep going.
Margie:All all of them have been bought out. Like fuck, what am I gonna do? He's not that worried because he's like, I still have my mind. I'm still going to be pulled up
Rachel:is the main source of conflict in this book, the fact that he's not the richest person in town. Good. Great.
Margie:So, um, well, no. So over the next six months, the the schlager brothers buy up more of the businesses in town and he's gonna have our boys St. James St. James, our homeboy. Because he's a homeboy. Oh, yeah,
Rachel:I got that. Yeah.
Margie:Is it's it's not great. And but actually, they're making the town richer, like they're just making the people in town, Roger, like the economy's just improving. So he's just upset because he's not the richest person in town anymore. gonna
Rachel:reach a point where it breaks too and that's gonna be fun.
Margie:So at the bar one day, he's St. James St. James is drinking and someone said something to him is like, isn't that the best shit are out or like It's like some sort of whiskey and he just shoots the guy in the stomach. Why? He says the guy said I said this drink is the shit. But say James thought he said no one asked me to drink and shit. What is it? That doesn't make any sense? Unfortunately, you he shot was one of the Schleicher brothers. One of the 15
Rachel:Okay, no, no, only 14 now. Okay, so I propose a nickname for St. James St. James. Because the because the amount of James in his name only makes me think of Moon Moon. Ah, yes. This Domus just shot someone from his hearing him. And that's totally a Moon Moon Moon as such is now Moon Moon
Margie:Moon Moon. Okay. Um, Moon Moon also doesn't understand other names because there's this guy, one of the schlager brothers. His name is Sven. Sven as Vi N spends then, but he keeps calling him seven. Okay, um, English is hard. So and I think he actually Oh, so another one of the brothers says he's full of shit span, like beat the shit out of them. And so guess what, say James St. St. James does Moon shoots that guy too. So that's usually your brother. No, they're down to 13. But Robert, they're just constantly being recreated so they produce they reproduce asexually, though they pretty sexually I'm pretty sure it's just what their sisters well. Oh,
Rachel:yeah. So yeah, so none of them have functioning hemoglobin. Okay, cool.
Margie:Okay, so. So they go back to the Chinaman. Actually, he runs into his China man. That's Just what he calls them at the beginning of the book name later I know he just calls him the China man. So the shiny man comes out comes up to St. James St. James and says there's no more gold and St. James St. James. It's like what? And he's like no there's no more gold so the Chinaman gold all dried up. So the Chinaman in him right back to the mines and Moon Moon find sees for himself. There's no more gold no more. There's no more gold. So now he's poor. He doesn't know
Rachel:what what do you know, except for all of the gold? He already has?
Margie:Yeah, all the gold he already has. So then he goes home. He's like shit. What am I going to do? At least I have all this gold at home. Well. Well, so he gets home. The house is an uproar. Lauretta is sobbing her eyes out. The oldest boy Daniel is really like, like Dad, dad, dad. And he's like, What is a son? Daniel says, or Loretta says the Schleicher brothers came and killed one of his sons. Because he killed two of their brothers. Uh huh. They melted his gold and dunked the boy in it.
Rachel:Okay, Jesus,
Margie:yeah, it's very like Game of Thrones shit. Like Dothraki shit.
Rachel:Like, it's like straight up dunking smoke and gold in The Hobbit movies. By the way,
Margie:hey, actually boring game of thrones called Drogo actually does and melted gold gal. Yeah. Yeah, he says crown for King and then he douses a king tan and gold.
Rachel:I will say that is both literally and figuratively. The most metal way to die.
Margie:Yeah. Well, the boy was four years old.
Rachel:Okay.
Margie:Do you want to know what his name was?
Rachel:Was it for
Margie:know what? Totally fucking Mexico
Rachel:Mexico, Mexico, it was totally fucking
Margie:Mexico because they could seem to the Texaco.
Rachel:Do anymore God. I told him like in Mexico
Margie:all of a sudden his name something normal Daniel. I wonder wizard. Right. love more.
Rachel:These are my children. Daniel, Jeffrey, Bobby, and totally fuckin Mexico.
Margie:We during the book, these like Patrick Get over here. And it's like, Dad, my name is Steve Patrick. And he's like, What the fuck is you need to get boy he's like Patrick just suddenly changes his son's name. So then, obviously, as you do so, like they all have dinner together. And there's still a plate set out for totally bucking Mexico. The children are like, should we go outside and give it to him dad cuz he's like a statue now. A gold statue Moon Moon is like a he starts choking up like crying. And he's like, No, he would want me to have it. Portion himself. And then he takes it up to his wife's room. has sex with his wife.
Rachel:Uh huh. We affirming life,
Margie:we're forming light. And he says you're definitely pregnant after that, to replace the child that they've lost. We have 23% into the book.
Rachel:I have a problem with this book, but it's not going to be what you think it was. I don't even care that's marketed as romance. The fact that it is quote unquote, a romance novel for Jews. I wouldn't necessarily call it romance. Oh, no,
Unknown:it's not no.
Rachel:Okay. You know what? All right, keep going because this is god damn hilarious. I will say so he's
Margie:pissed. St. Jean strategic partner but he's, he's mad at the schlager brothers, but he's also mad at their next door neighbor. Because why? Because he's heard the screams you should have done it and said something that little bitch. Pretty much that's his attitude.
Rachel:They live in the wild wild west. Yeah. Where there's a couple 100 acres in between neighbors.
Margie:Apparently, so this guy Ron Paul soon, apparently should have been able to hear what happened not Ron Ronson or Paul Paulson. Not Paul. Paul said Ron Paulson on Paulson. I'm so damn it. Ron Paul. So he comes He goes over to Ron Paulson's house. He's like, hey, Sheila, that's Ron Paul's wife. How you doing? Hey, Ron, what's going on? Uh, anything weird happened today did you you know hear my child get murdered. And Ron Paul's liens kind of like about it. And I can't remember I think he beats the shit he piece of shit out of Ron Paulson. Yeah, he beats the shit out of him. Can
Rachel:I make a prediction? Yeah, he has sex with his wife money a sex
Margie:wall Ramos was looking is watching. Oh,
Rachel:is she into it?
Margie:Oh, she's so into it. Okay, so into it.
Rachel:I say okay, like that makes it better.
Margie:So she says, um, she, like she enjoys it. She enjoys watching when SJ SJ like, takes a belt out and beats the shit out of her husband. She's like, he says you enjoy watching me humiliate him like this? And she says yes
Rachel:I can. Fuckin Moon Moon literally fucking moon MOON
Margie:Okay, so she is she like begs him to have sex with her he does
Rachel:let's get away to interior
Margie:and then he tells them Sheila it's potluck so if you could bring some potato salad to the funeral that would be amazing
Rachel:in the ever loving holy
Margie:like above yeah is what is happening all right let's see here.
Rachel:This is like I feel like the beginning like cold open for this episode has to be And now for something completely different. I'm getting such a huge Blazing Saddles vibes from this. Yeah.
Margie:Homeboy jumps into their shitter at home because that's where their gold is. Because they've been shitting out gold because they've been eating gold remember because they don't have any other gold they're all out of gold. Yes, but the rest of it's on top of totally fucking Mexico
Rachel:we don't have to bury him in gold
Margie:well you remember he's like covered in gold. It's not like they can scrape it off. It's like you can melt it down. They get melted down the kids body back either way. No they're not but like the the mother is like Don't you dare yeah, I
Rachel:forgot the kids and it was totally fucking Mexico. Okay, so
Margie:when you shit so far in this whole book, it's it's so fucking strange. Okay, Daniel and the St. James St. James. They're in town right they buy two caskets with the shit gold. And they have Ron Paulson write an obituary. Would you like to hear the bit?
Rachel:Afraid to say yes but Yes.
Margie:Totally fucking Mexico St. James born sometime Okay, go ahead. born sometime in 1849 ish, I think died July 18 1853. Totally fucking Mexico was for and he didn't get to do a lot of shit. So obviously his resume isn't that impressive. He was well hung a tree inherited from his father. Just like his dad. He had trouble keeping his dog inside the cloth diaper as a baby. He loved to eat gold so it's ironic that he died be dipped in it. Our bitch neighbor Ron did nothing to stop the gruesome attack and lead die. Ron paid the ultimate price for that believe me totally fucking Mexico survived by six brothers mother Loretta and his father slash lovely husband slash mentor of young women between the ages of 18 and 25. Slash gunfighter slash sexual provocateur St. James St. James. A memorial service is scheduled for Saturday at 2pm at the state St. James the state it's potluck so bring a dish a real dish Don't be the assholes that bring only bread or fucking condiment clothing optional for women BYOB to park your carriages wherever
Rachel:I no words I don't even know what the hell why. Okay, okay. Okay, so Carlos thinks this book is great.
Margie:I know he does it are a great book Carlos. I'm
Rachel:gonna you're you have a new nickname added on to your your list of titles because currently he's Carlos boatswain. Lord of the Flies. He is now Carlos bug Bay and Lord of the Flies and totally fucking Mexico. That's now the cache name. Totally. Totally fucking Mexico.
Margie:So for whatever while the dad St. James St. James is off having sex again. Is his boy Dan. Niall is watching the coffins. And the Wall St. James St. James is having sex he hears a gunshot and he goes out and realizes that the guy's the guy who owns a funeral parlor. His son was shot by the Schleicher brothers. So because the schlager brothers were trying to steal the caskets for whatever reason. Yeah, okay. All right. Just just the say a shootout has begun
Rachel:a shootout has begun shootout as the guy the coffin makers son has died.
Margie:Yes, he doesn't end up well. Okay, so, the parlor owner, the funeral parlor, whatever go into caskets. He shot he dies. Daniel is shot 63 times. He's eight.
Rachel:Gonna go out on a limb here and say and he probably didn't live through that one.
Margie:Oh, no, he does.
Rachel:I stand corrected.
Margie:So it's a good thing that he went ahead and bought two caskets low because he thinks that Daniel is dead but he's not.
Rachel:What did you buy to?
Margie:To have a spare?
Rachel:Foreshadowing.
Margie:Foreshadowing. He does manage to kill a lot of the Schleicher brothers but like he doesn't kill all of them. Okay, so I'm like, this is some of the imagery that they have in the book.
Rachel:There's pictures, pictures. Oh my god. Why haven't you been showing me?
Margie:Sorry, the next day. Well,
Rachel:I wrote a picture book version of
Margie:this week. It's addicted to a lot on him because he gets shot too. But he takes him even though his son is shot 63 times he decides he's gonna drink most of the lot and when he's only gotten shot watts,
Rachel:oh my god.
Margie:It's the totally fucking Mexico. It's the day of the funeral. we've skipped ahead to the day of the funeral. Totally fucking Mexico weighs more than 800 pounds because he's covered go to the gold.
Rachel:Hang on. I'm gonna do some on the fly math. Will you? Tell me about the St.
Margie:James St. James carries the casket itself. Okay. All right. Only strong enough one strong enough to do it. Okay, next either next day, some point passage of time. Time is an illusion. Key finally St. James St. James gets thrown in prison. Okay, he just caused a murder like a bunch of schlager brothers. All right, thrown in prison. And he's in prison with a Mexican dude. In the Mexican dude. This is just what happens with the buck. This is how it's referred. I don't know. It's just farting incessantly to the point where St. James St. James tells him gives him some thread and a needle and tells him to sew his butt cheeks together.
Rachel:Okay,
Margie:here's a picture.
Rachel:Oh my god. fuck is this Yeah, he
Margie:doesn't live through that.
Rachel:No,
Margie:they go they have a trial. And the judge is like I don't really give a shit. I don't care if you killed apparently he killed 22 people during the shootout during the shootout Okay, um, though so the the the judges like those boys meaning St. James St. James and Daniel killed his killed his kid and a couple Oh wait, no, those boys meaning the Lakers. His kid and a couple of clients who provided nothing but joy to the south the clowns were the people who own the funeral. Okay. As far as the marshals he said it was an accident he also shot a couple marshals and I believe him You said yourself you haven't located the body of the sheriff. So what do we got some eye for an eye common man shit, which is it worth going to trial for that long? I say we give him a day in jail for each man killed minus his kid and a fine math 21 days in prison. Oh my god. Yeah. Um, so that's pretty much what happens. He's 21 days in prison. Don't worry. He's still having sex during that time because people are coming to his jail cell.
Rachel:And coming in is just a meal.
Margie:So I know because a lot of the times it's happening through the bars, because no, he's adult. Nobody's allowed into his cell except for his wife. So people are just coming to visit him
Rachel:and bending over. Okay, getting on their knees aren't fair. I got I got nothing man. I'm broken. So not in the usual way which is refreshing but still
Margie:gets out of prison. There. The family is almost out of money. So the wife is cool and like built a garden and is like trying to feed these seven children that she suddenly has to take care of. The oldest boy Daniel has been killing bald eagles for them to eat, punching them out of the Sky punching
Rachel:same page. This isn't a romance novel right?
Margie:Says romance like, here's the thing I didn't know whether I should do this book but I was like I really want to do it and it says romance on the cover. I'm using that.
Rachel:To fucking funny not to Yeah, but still
Margie:it is very loosely a romance novel.
Rachel:Oh boy.
Margie:Suffice it to say the sheriff of this town absolutely cannot scan stand. The guy the sheriff's name is Sheriff Van Buren absolutely cannot stand St. James St. James. Okay. After all that the sheriff was dead. The sheriff is not dead the marshals or marshals are dead. There's I'm literally only going through probably like less than twice 25% of this book to like, you know what I mean? There's so much content, right? Which bananas content? St. James St. James meets up with this Chinaman again, and he's like, Dude, I have no idea what I'm gonna do for money and China may smoke this. You'll feel better. It's opium. And St. James St. James is like sweet. What is the shit? And Chinaman is says that's opium. There's fields and fields of it in my country. And the and St. James St. James is like, I'm going to get everybody addicted to this. Let's get to China. I want me some fucking
Rachel:goes to China.
Margie:Yes. Oh, you want to know what the chuck we finally learned the child's name.
Rachel:What's his name?
Margie:Samantha Davis.
Rachel:Jesus, so.
Margie:So here's the explanation. When my father first came over to America to see if it would be safe for us. He snuck onto a barge and locked himself in self inside the first suitcase, he could find the name tags at Samantha Davis. Those were the first words of English my father could pronounce when he sailed over. So this name was very special to him. Okay, so Samantha Davis, and him. Um, they go out to San Francisco, homeboy has Samantha but Davis build him about,
Rachel:okay.
Margie:Yeah, so they built build him a boat, and then he hires a bunch of other Chinaman bunch of other Asians. I know it's so bad and so it's okay.
Rachel:I know. This is not a a bad look against you.
Margie:It's a no I know. So they and they sail to China. And he gets like a blood fever.
Rachel:Well usually bounce back from this. What? You don't usually bounce?
Margie:No, but he's fine. Of course. He's fine. He comes off of it. I think like He's described as like looking like some sort of Viking or something. I look at a small mirror that is hanging on the wall and I barely recognize the man staring back at me. Not only do I have a huge beer, but my hair has grown past my shoulders and some of it is tied in Viking braids. Who the fuck braided? My hair was bedridden with a horrible disease. It is weird yet somehow matriarchal. I will say that what's holding off this look with ease almost as if I was born from a long line of semen. You know, that line was coming. So you're welcome.
Rachel:Okay, I know that we've established that this definitely isn't romance. And it's the whole romance novel for dude things is weird. But it's fucking funny. Really
Margie:funny. It's really funny. Oh, so he learns Chinese immediately naturally match. And he says the first thing he learns to say is ladies touch first in Chinese. Um,
Rachel:let's, I'm sorry, this is an audio medium. You couldn't see my face? I'm sure you can imagine. Okay,
Margie:all right, ready for this description? Because I can't hit me. Alright. The Asian women lift me off my feet and carry me high above their head six miles into the town of Kwanko. Sorry, I just made that up. I can't remember the name of the town point to any city on a map off the eastern coast of China and pretend I'm there. Everything in Asia looks the same.
Rachel:Oh my god.
Margie:As we enter the main street that goes through the center of town people come out of their shops and businesses to view me. They're clapping hurling fresh fish at me to eat and offering me karate lessons. Strangely, they're all dressed like former President George Washington. Asia really has always been behind the fashion trends. When we reached the top of the street I noticed a wooden house with steam rising from it. A painted large sign hangs underneath. Faded red boom bamboo roof shingles. I see the letters. What does that mean? I asked woman the woman responds ladies touch first. I told you that that is the only phrase I need to know. A large wooden door open and I In the face by bursts of hot steam the women slowly lower me to my feet as the steam dissipates even hotter Asian women greeting ones who haven't been working out in a dirty rice paddies all day, they're all wearing beautiful silk kimonos or what sandals. Suddenly I realized I'm in some sort of exotic Asia bad. So like, he literally has sex with like 30 or 40 women. Just a huge orgy just like an orgy fest. Opium filled orgy fest. And he told us what if he was like, I'm gonna be gone for a month, maybe a year tops. He's gone for six years just doing this odd
Rachel:repeating their children. Because the problem I have with this at this point.
Margie:Oh my god, like it's, let's see here. So this happens. It turns out six years is pretty much it turns out six years is pretty much the max amount of time you can live in Utopia and have endless orgies every day. Who knew? Also eating grilled hibachi food every day, which is delicious. And something I used to consider to be entirely possible has ended up taking its toll on me in the form of a ridiculous sodium intake. In layman's terms, I've been adjusting more salt than a humpback whale. My blood pressure is so high that I've lost all feeling of my extremities. Okay, so let's see. So he, Samantha Davis has been waiting for him. And it's like, I've got your boat. I've got your opium. Let's head back to America. Hey, yes. Back to America. Um, he gets off the boat meets up with his wife again. So he comes back and he discovers the schlager brothers have taken over everything
Rachel:again. Hey, yeah, have they taken his wife captive? They have
Margie:not taken his wife captive in this book. It is it is it is like a thing that if a man isn't there you don't hurt his family. I don't know why Okay, yeah, sure. Because it's fucking ply going over again. Oh, no, you know what the Lakers have not taken over again. It's just that the town is actually doing really well because he honestly hasn't been there
Rachel:that's good okay so the years have not it's just him being gone is the best thing to happen to
Margie:this town member it may be because the Lakers know the Lakers I'm sorry I'm sorry making this really confusing. The Lakers are still there and everything says like Shroyer Schleicher bros. You know, and he's like, so the chapter 14 is titled drugs are fucking awesome. And everyone wants them. So he art the homeboy Moon Moon St. James St. James buys the plot of land and he creates a basically a Chinese opium den kind of place and gets everyone in the town addicted to opium. He's rich again. Okay.
Rachel:This man is just fucking up this town
Margie:is down so much. He pretty much destroys the town with opium. Okay, everybody just gets like super like the town was doing great before now it's falling to pieces, because he got everybody addicted to opiates. Oh shit. And so the sheriff is trying to make it so that hey, your opium den is illegal. And St. James St. James is like no, it's not illegal. There's no law against opium tents in America because opium doesn't exist. Oh my god. Yeah. So um, Van Buuren the sheriff brings in the marshals and the Marshalls. murder his entire family. What they murder if they burned down the house, burned down. St. James St. James's house and murder all of them are down the opium fields all of them and so say James St. James is like who could have tipped them off that I did something he basically somebody tipped off when, like St. James St. James wasn't going to be home or something. Okay, let's just say it's Ron Paulson again.
Rachel:Fucking Ron Paul's. Jesus. Right, here we go. So
Margie:Ron Paul's in sales again. meets his son, who is St. James St. James is Jr.
Rachel:Oh my god.
Margie:Yeah. Oh.
Rachel:He's too powerful. super
Margie:powerful. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's good. Okay. Yeah. All right. Let's see. Um, so it's hold now, St. James St. James. His whole family's been murdered. All of his money is gone because all the opium has been burned down. He does find out though his son Daniel, who survives Okay, got third degree burns is still alive
Rachel:after 6863 63 Man author missed an opportunity could have been 69 could
Margie:have been 69 Oh, so then he means so Native Americans.
Rachel:Oh, no. Okay, okay. Yeah, you're right. This book wasn't racist enough for me
Margie:what is spirit animal is, which is a bald eagle. I don't, because the chief tells me I know this. I don't
Rachel:know if I can. I want to put my head through something but there's nothing here that I can really provide.
Margie:Oh, yeah. So then finally Daniel does actually die. I think he gets he gets shot or something like a big Gil bajillion times finally. So now Daniel's dead we're at 97%. So we're almost done. Oh my God, what's he saves his dad's life to which is like not worth it. Daniel, just let him die. Just let him die die. So basically, with the help of the Native Americans, he kills all of the marshals and wins the battle. And he he also cuts off then beer the share of Van barons hand and sticks that hand up. VAN BUREN asks
Rachel:let me see if I got this right. So the bad guys in this book have been Lego brothers who actually like made the time the town. Great. And then the marshals, what happened to the schlager brothers? Did they all get murdered? They
Margie:all got murdered? Okay, yeah, they're all dead.
Rachel:Okay, you know, what
Margie:should we do? about it? He thinks about I'm gonna write them and then he decides no, I'm not gonna rape him. I'm just gonna say
Rachel:is okay,
Margie:so Okay, ready? You just completed the best book you're ever gonna ever read in your entire life? Oh, you were hoping I was gonna kill myself now. Like I said, I've lived a long life. So that might take a while. In the meantime, go stare at yourself in the mirror and dream about being me until the next one comes out.
Rachel:The guy's name again St.
Margie:James St. James author of Gosh, I don't remember. Is it Ron Paul says not Ron Paul. Sam it that'll be hilarious. I think that'd be really cruel, though. Why would the author do that to himself? Ross Patterson.
Rachel:Ross Slocum clap,
Margie:sir. Or clap
Rachel:simultaneously. fucking awful. And one of the funniest goddamn things I've heard in a hot minute.
Margie:And there's so much other stuff in there that like I just couldn't get to. And also there's no plot like, though there isn't there's but there. Oh, I'm exhausted.
Rachel:I mean, it is a comedy book like that. Was it fulfilled? Let's get into some ratings for this. Here's my my number one problem and I think you agree is the fact that it is marketed as a quote unquote romance novel for dudes now. I think that it was it's on there because this is satire. That's why it is that is it supposed to be like tongue in cheek like, guys, that is what you want, right? Yeah.
Margie:This is what it means to be a manly man. Uh huh. Yeah. Um, fuck the patriarchy. Oh,
Rachel:God. It wasn't Romans, but it was goddamn funny. Yeah. And I loved it. Yeah.
Margie:Thanks, Christina. Oh, my God. Christina, thank you. Thank you for this gift. I don't know where you found it. But it's
Rachel:my My face hurts from laughing so hard. It just like
Margie:feel kind I'm just exhausted. I'm like, eager to like take a break and not read that for that was
Rachel:like you've done me a service by rating that. You're that was so refreshing in how different it
Margie:was. It was it was very,
Rachel:it wasn't. Obviously it was terrible because it's satire on the old westerns. Like that was the point. Right? It's like It's like Blazing Saddles. Blazing Saddles is like, racist as fuck yeah. But that's the point is to be like, hey, shits not okay. White women that
Margie:that would be so funny. So
Rachel:good, though. It's my favorite Mel Brooks movie. But Jesus, that was funny. That was so good.
Margie:It's just Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I mean, like, do we write this because it's not a romance novel.
Rachel:It's not but it's still it's kind of fun. Like we're still gonna do an under the covers for Yeah, we're gonna
Margie:do an under the covers. Yeah, I'm just it's not like but it's not a row. So should we write it as romance when it's not romance?
Rachel:But at the same time, I almost feel like not writing a book is reserved for the really, really terrible ones. But in this one
Margie:no word, write it. I don't know how that's fair.
Rachel:I don't think I don't think it falls into our traditional rating system. I would say we rate the Smite and we do an overall rating.
Margie:Okay, okay. Okay, thank you. That saves me. How
Rachel:was this? Because it really isn't like there is a main dude, but he's just stretched. There's not one woman it's
Margie:awful because he's like, I don't it really well.
Rachel:No, okay. Oh, like,
Margie:do you think that it's like he's having sex with these women and then the horse is watching through the window.
Rachel:Okay, what is it written well.
Margie:And then, and then like when? So when he's having sex with Ron Paulson's wife Sheila. The horse is having sex with Ron Paul says Wilson's horse gets Paulson's horse pregnant. And then Ron Paulson gives the foal to Daniel.
Rachel:I almost want to read this.
Margie:Okay, and I also want to note, I use an Amazon gift card to buy this book. And I agree, I couldn't get out of it library
Rachel:that is on your bourbon.
Margie:I want to know when this was written though. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Um,
Rachel:that's that was incredible. Okay, so it was written in 2015. Smart was not great.
Margie:No.
Rachel:Overall, though, was it funny, it was really
Margie:funny, but it's just probably if we're just gonna do like, funniness? Yeah, or it was really fucking funny. Well, so overall ratings one, one to 10. So like a seven. Okay. You know, it's not my sense of humor. All right. And really, I still thought it was friggin hilarious. And I was like, What is this shit? But it wasn't my sense of humor. Right. So I guess, like, in general, it will probably get like an eight. Okay, yeah, cuz some of the jokes were just kind of like, you know, it's a it's a type of like crude humor. That's not hard. It's not hard to do jokes about stuff like that right now. So it's not clever, but it's just straight up slapstick Funny. Funny. Yeah.
Rachel:Um, so overall, you give it an eight or just the funniness you give a name?
Margie:The same thing? To me. It's kind of the same thing because the book is
Rachel:okay. So your enjoyment of it was an eight out of 10. Yeah. All right. All right. You know what fair? Yeah. And for what it is, it's, it sounds like it would be really funny.
Margie:It's really funny. It's just like, it's not you can't put it into the same categories of like any normal book like anybody out there. I've never read a book like somebody's life. It's insane.
Rachel:Yeah, it's comedy parody and satire wrapped into All right, it's, it was just bananas. That's amazing. Well, I'm glad that we
Margie:only fucking Mexico.
Rachel:I'm sorry. We're totally fucking Mexico. St. James.
Margie:James. Oh, my God, what else I've been reading.
Rachel:Oh, god. Okay. What? First I'd like to say thank you, because this was just a beautiful breath of fresh air.
Margie:Yes. Thank you so much, Christina.
Rachel:I'm ready to get back into I am terrible romance novels next two weeks from now. Okay, so what are you reading? What do you want? I was reading
Margie:The Cuckoo's Calling, which is JK Rowling's mystery series. I was kind of reading it. They are really good. They're kind of like, they're very kitschy and just kind of like Tropi. But they're nice. They're a really good writer. So I recommend then there's also a TV series out now. So I was thinking about rewatching it. So I was like, I'll just read the book first.
Rachel:Yeah. And watch it. Yeah,
Margie:it's a couple it is really cute. I'm still like, I'm like, I haven't read the mostly latest book from that series, the lethal light. And those because like in the villain in the third book of that series was really poorly written. And I was like, You created Lord Voldemort. I expect more. I expect more from you. So but this is kind of like just for fun thing, right? Anything. It's not anything super deep or anything. So I wasn't like super surprised that I was kind of disappointed. That's fair. Yeah. So I haven't gotten to reading lethal white, which is the fourth book. Okay. It's gonna be intense. Neat. Yeah, that sounds like fun. It is. It is fun. So yeah, well,
Rachel:thank you guys, for sticking with us on this. Now for something completely different.
Margie:What the frick frack.
Rachel:I had I thoroughly enjoyed myself
Margie:I did too I just think that like you saying I'm just like oh my god I'm glad it's over Oh glad it's over good though yeah
Rachel:um so thank you guys for sticking with us like I said like we said this was a Facebook recommendation from one of our patrons so if you ever have like see something that you think would be great for us to review hit us up um And a huge thank you to Eleanor you for the use of her song Oh, love of the album be held. And hey, please rate review subscribe, check out our social media for giveaways and hey, spread the word with your friends. We would love it if you did. Thank you guys so much for listening. Yeah, I just just I was just still so shook after that, because my brain is not flooded.
Margie:I know. I know. And we have to get back into it because we got to do the under the covers. Hell yeah, under
Rachel:the covers. Thank you guys so much for listening. We will see you again in two weeks.