Textual Tension
The comedy podcast that unpacks the bananas world of romance novels! Tune in every other Tuesday as one co-host, either Margie or Rachel, recount a romance novel to the other unsuspecting co-host.
Whether you love romance, love comedy, or love both, join us on our truly bananas comedy adventure!
Textual Tension
Ep. 42: Interview With a Leather Daddy Vampire
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It's the ultimate listener suggestion! Rachel tells Margie all about J.R. Ward's Dark Lover. A book that was recommended not once, but twice! Strap in everyone! We're going on a mid-2000s ride!
Hello, and welcome to textual tension. I am your co host Rachel and every other week I jump in here and give you guys the what's what the who's who and the something something's of what's happening in the textual tension universe this week I have an unwilling unwitting, both of those Hey, co host. I don't know who because Zachary is here. I'm here are temporary, well, occasional co host, podcast husband, podcast husband, because we just recorded the under the covers together and I started recording the intro without before he could get up. So I'm here to tell you all about what we have going on right now. Um, so we have, I think in biggest news. For the foreseeable future, we have made all of our normal Patreon exclusives free to everybody. So that is like our huge, massive, big announcement. Carlos, our other occasional co host really wanted to you know that that was happening, you do still have to go to Patreon in order to get that so please head on over to patreon.com/textual tension to get all of your free wonderful goodies in the form of under the covers and bloopers and all kinds of stuff. The last two episodes have been released available for the public. And this episode will be also we get it times are crazy. Everything's kind of nuts right now. So we wanted to kind of give something back to you guys, if we could. So that is our way of doing it. Um, we also have a book club and sure it's a little bit ways into the into April but it's not too late. You can jump in you can hop on to the night circus train, and come in and hang out. Even if you know you you haven't read the book, you don't want to try to rush and get through it. Before the month is out. That's okay. We have non spoiler chats that we can just all come and hang out. And so come check us out. You can follow that discord link through our Instagram. Speaking of Instagram, we are and all the social social media, if you will. We are at textual tension pod across the board. Zacks been awful silent over there.
Unknown:I mean, you've just been talking and I haven't had any opportunity to get in here. Hey, I'm also on social media. But you can't hear that unless you're snowed under the covers, because that's where I said it twice. Yeah,
Rachel:that's extra motivation to go over to our Patreon and check out all of the cool free stuff that we are providing you guys because we love you. And hey, I hope that you guys are really hanging in there. We know it's crazy. But we are here for you. And we believe in you and you're wonderful. And hey, if you need help, if you need someone to talk to you or anything like that, feel free to hit us up. And don't be afraid to reach out. We're all in this together even though we're separate, but we love you all so yeah, yeah. Zach loves you all. I do. It's true. So thank you guys so much. I'm sorry this was a little bit all over the place, but uh, that's what happens sometimes. And that's okay. It's much like this episode. Oh, one more thing for this episode that I almost completely forgot. Zacks laughing at me. We did miss one trigger in this one. Vor check God, I don't know how I missed it. The books about fucking vampires. Sure. Sorry. Yep. Vor is the trigger and I think that's it. Pretty sure that's everything. Strap in y'all. This is another drinking episode because we needed to you'll see why here in a minute. So without further ado, please enjoy. Enjoy. Episode 42 interview with a leather daddy vampire. Terran man me apart from Hello. Welcome to textual tension, a love hate relationship with a romance novels. I'm your co host Rachel.
Margie:I'm your co host Margie. And every
Rachel:other week one of us reads a romance novel and summarizes it for our unsuspecting co host this week, Margie is listening in.
Margie:And I'm so excited.
Rachel:Oh God, and together we unpack what what
Margie:the fuck just
Rachel:happened y'all. It's hard to sync things up when we're recording remotely. So nothing has gone right in the past twice like two times we tried to record with
Margie:donors we recorded like 75 At least 75% of an episode. And then my computer was like was like Hey, fuck you
Rachel:it shit the bed.
Margie:It shit the math? Awful and so that we had that happen and then I got so grumpy. I had to have some of Anthony's Olynyk
Rachel:Margie had to have some snacks.
Margie:really angry. I got so angry. Yeah, ugly.
Rachel:And on top of that, listeners, it's a bitch fest. But this is a fun bitch part because you guys are going to be involved in this. So let me tell you a story, the last episode that came out with the beautiful ladies of strange. And we, we do and they, at some point started telling Margie a little bit about a book that we loved when they were younger and went back and read it was like, Oh, God, oh, no, it was terrible. Now I don't remember if I left that in the episode or not. So that's why I'm telling you that. That book, I had to tell them to stop talking about it because it was a book that I had tried to read but couldn't finish. Yeah. And in penance for not being able to finish multiple books. When Margie gets her way through the worst books ever, ever. Marjorie requested that I finished this book and I did and that's what we're doing today. So in celebration of this awful book, Margie and I are both drinking. I have a comically large beer friends and listeners. This is a full 32 ounces in a can. I will take a picture for the gram. And I thought I hadn't opened it yet. So I thought we'd do some ASMR to start off this episode. Alright, so Margie, you ready? Yeah. Ready. This is the sound of a romance novel podcast host. Opening up a very large beer in order to make it through a terrible book
Margie:you feel better already.
Rachel:Friends and listeners. I'm supporting local. This is a brewery right down the street from me. And every year for International Women's Day. They make a beer called thanks. It has pockets. And and it's different every year last year was this like, ginger? Black Berry something that was awesome. This one is like a tangerine. I don't even know but it's fucking good. So Margie knows the name of this book? Well, no, you know the name of the series. You don't know the name of the book. The name is different. Okay, and that's it. And she knows it's about vampires.
Margie:No, I didn't even know that. Oh,
Rachel:well. Now you know, it's about vampires. Okay, and Margie strap the fuck in. Because we are about to take a ride not a magic carpet ride.
Margie:We literally were same wavelength.
Rachel:Oh yeah, I knew that's what you're thinking. But the worst ride. So I'm gonna go ahead and we're gonna jump right in and I'm going to give you the cover of this book. I'm so ready. I'm gonna send it to you in Skype chat. So Marty, are you ready to see the cover of this book?
Margie:I'm so ready. Oh my God. Jesus
Rachel:Christ. All right, here we go.
Margie:Oh my god. Okay, so like, I'm just gonna say what came to my mind first, which is like early 2000s Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm very much this vibes. You said. But Buffy the Vampire Slayer except serious like no humor at all. So it got the name? Interesting, huh? Okay, so it's called. Dark robber. By Jr. Ward. Sure. And it's got a dude a shirtless dude. Who are those pants? Leather. I can't see the
Rachel:baby. What do you think they are?
Margie:I just I just needed to confirm. Oh, I finally got the picture on my computer and this will be a little lighter. Um, okay. So and he's holding. He is holding a dagger a very fancy dagger under his chin. And it's like pointed up to like, just directly under his chin and he's looking at me with I gotta say it golden eyes. Very like yeah, the the dagger is my penis.
Rachel:Ah, you're right. You're so right.
Margie:So I will well so and here's an interesting thing about the cover, which I'm not sure that we've had before is that the author's name is as big as the title. It's like the same size. Yeah. Which is interesting. 100% also, as if this title as if this cover wasn't enough on its own, you know, muscular guy. Nice stuff. There's fire bar, which I'm very concerned about his back and must be like very birds.
Rachel:He's Margie. He's a vampire. He feels I don't call it I don't even fucking know. All right, this whole Most broke me.
Margie:I broke it so many times before I just I'm sorry, I
Rachel:know and I get that 100% Understand, just know that I hate it. And you'll know why soon Okay, so I'm going to please tell me all about I'm going to send you the description. Alright, got that out. Nope, I won't. Okay.
Margie:The okay so here's the description.
Rachel:And I while she while she reads this description I will drink through the entirety.
Margie:No don't Rachel that will make you sit through it the only pyramid vampire left on the planet and the leader of the black dagger brotherhood Wrath has a score to settle with a slayers who killed okay good she stopped. I was trying to take care of you.
Rachel:I am so much easier to get through okay just doing
Margie:who killed his parents centuries ago. But when his most trusted fighters killed orphaning a halfbreed daughter unaware of her heritage or her faith, wrath and must put down his dagger and usher the beautiful viewer into another world. I hate this. I already hate it so much. I've even gotten through half of it. It's worse. racked by a restlessness in her body that wasn't there before. Beth Randall is helpless against the dangerously sexy man who comes to her at night with shadows in his eyes. His tales of the Brotherhood of Blood frightened her get his touching nights a dawning new hunger one that threatens to consume them both. Okay, so like what is it with vampires have to like initiate virgin women? Like because she just had a book that was so similar to
Rachel:this. She's not a virgin. But yes,
Margie:okay. But yes, she's like, so yeah,
Rachel:I have. Oh, okay. Oh, it gets it gets worse and drink because I just said it gets worse.
Margie:Okay, I'm gonna have to go. I'm gonna have to get more wine already.
Rachel:Okay, listeners, Margie went to get more wine. So here's what we're doing. while she's doing that, I want you to make up your bingo card. Okay, what are you saying? I'm talking to our listeners and telling them that while you get wine they need to make up their trigger bingo cards. So, listeners, I hope that in that interim, you've created your trigger bingo cards. Let's go ahead and knock these bad boys out. You ready?
Margie:Oh, no. Yes. So ready.
Rachel:Dragging and dragging. A lot of violence. Some some torture. A lot of murder. Ah Rape, Abuse. Um, and oh, drug use. You already said though. Did I Okay? Well, no, no, no. drugging and drug use different things. Mmm hmm. Oh, homophobia and transphobia. Ah,
Margie:which book written
Rachel:2005 Shit. Yeah. So I think that's everything. Alright, so before remember that one? Book were evil was a communicable trend, like disease has a glossary. We have a glossary? Yeah. Tell you about a couple things that are important in this book. First thing is the black dagger Brotherhood, which is this group of like, elite vampire warriors whose entire purpose is to maintain the vampire race. Second, are they having trouble? Yes. Second is a thing called the lessening society or lessors. lessors Oh, I hate that. All right, are people who have gotten rid of their souls? So they like start to I did that. Like what I was 30 Yeah, but you can still fuck if you want. They can't fuck, which is why they're evil, I think. So when they get rid of their souls, they lose their ability to fuck and also all of the pigment on their body slowly so very much think like, the albino monk or whatever from from the Da Vinci Code. I got heavy vibes.
Margie:I haven't read that book. And so it's like
Rachel:the main bad guy who like the who does practices the self regulation and everything. Oh, yeah. As Yeah. So heavy vied for that when I read this. Right. And their entire purpose is to get rid of vampires. Now, the main thing with vampires is the vampires in this book are not how you would think of vampires. Vampires in this book. are here I'm going to read you the glossary. entry for vampires. Vampire. Oh, noun member of a species separate from that of Homo sapiens, vampires must drink the blood of the opposite sex to survive. Human blood will keep them alive. Though the strength does not last long following their transitions which occur in their mid 20s. They are unable to go into sunlight and must feed from the vein regularly vampires cannot, quote unquote convert humans through a bite or transfer of blood, though there are thoroughly though there are in rare cases, they are in rare cases able to breed with the other species. Vampires can de materialize. I will though they must be able to calm themselves and concentrate to do so and may not carry anything heavy with them. They're able to strip the memories of humans provided such memories are short term, some vampires are able to read minds life expectancy is upwards of 1000 years or in some cases even longer. Um, also, don't worry, in case you were wondering, whether or not vampires could take more than one mate. Yes, that's the word. Oh, no. Oh, no, only the men can women. Women can't really take more than one vampire mate because male vampires are very territorial. Um,
Margie:okay. All right. We're not even. I'm not even gonna comment on that one. Because I don't think I need to. So about how much I hate that. Yeah.
Rachel:So it gets worse. Yeah. So, um, oh, God, I read that I am a woman of science, not the life sciences. I never had I had to take a chemistry class. I didn't have to take a biology class. Right. So when I but when I read that, I thought it was kind of odd. Because if you're a halfbreed, you turn into a vampire when you hit vampire puberty in your 20s. And you have no idea you're a vampire up to that point. And like, you can't just change species. Um, so So Well, hang on. I reached out to you our best friend and mine Alexa. My beautiful biology baby. And we had a chat about this. I sent her the definition of vampire from this. This is what she sent me back. So according to nature, the journal the classification of species is kind of hotly debated. Basically, the rule is if they can fuck, they're the same. But that's a really dumbed down version. So that's kind of the general rule of what a species is. So when I when I sent Lexi, that definition of vampire her response was okay, so if their offspring with a human is not sterile, they do not meet the current scientific definition of a separate species at best subspecies, but with the photophobia Hema Borea and lifespan difference, I want to say there should be some additional classification there. Also, quote unquote transition is totally just vampire puberty. And she's absolutely right there. So her the comparison that she made was wolves, two Pomeranians is technically they're the same species. They're both Canis lupus, but a Pomeranian is Canis lupus familiaris. It's a subspecies. And if we're following that analogy, then that means if the couple down the street gets a dog for their children, there's a nonzero chance that it just randomly transmutes into a wolf when it hits doggy puberty. And also, there's some foxes next door that can't fuck and want to kill it. And that is the plot of this book. So.
Margie:Okay, well, so I have an I have another I do have a follow up question. So you said that this whole transitioning thing, okay, get it. So you start off as a human and then you transition into a vampire? So is that random? Is that is that just so you are unlucky enough to become a vampire? And you're 20
Rachel:if you are i halfbreed. So if one of your parents is a vampire, and one is a human, there is a chance you could turn into a vampire. You might not always, but there's a chance that you would and if you do not have the help of another vampire, there's a very good chance you die during the process.
Margie:Okay, okay. So the transition is pretty pretty. Pretty much so and then. So but then there's not like so then there's not like a, a muggle born kind of situation. Do you get what I mean? Where somebody is just randomly, no word? No, a person who can become a vampire. Okay, so that's why they're having trouble. Yes. Keeping the vampire race alive. Okay, that really much. So if you have but then so what if you have two vampire parents then then you're probably going to become a vampire.
Rachel:You'll become a vampire. Yep. Okay, so
Margie:going through puberty twice what's right?
Rachel:Don't worry, this will only last like a day. I'm almost out well, so I have, in addition to the wonderful information that Alexa provided us, we have a game that we're going to play with the rest of this glossary. Okay. So in this glossary, there are a lot of terms that are written supposedly in the ancient vampire language, and it defines these terms, right? So we're gonna play a game that I made my husband play and he hated it. And it's called. It's called, how many ages does that word have? Alright, okay, we're number one. Contest.
Margie:Contest. gets one
Rachel:Oh, baby, it's got to see ONTHS T. Okay.
Margie:All right. What's a contest?
Rachel:A contest is a conflict between two males competing for the right to be a female's mate. Okay, just go. You know what? Number two? Okay, Guardian. What's good guys to only watch V HoH AR dia en.
Margie:I will say this. I did guess where it was correctly?
Rachel:You did? Yes, you did. A guardian is a current custodian of an individual. There are varying degrees of guardian with the most powerful being that of a secluded female known as award. Females can be shut off from society. Because, uh, here we go here, right? Oh, baby.
Margie:Um, just go on. Just just take away the pain. Oh,
Rachel:no, I'm not going to just do it, Rachel, because I have another one leader.
Margie:Oh, no. One h one H
Rachel:but for Jabra bonus point. How many Y's does it have?
Margie:I have no idea. I don't have any
Rachel:one why. And it is called El eah. De yre.
Margie:I hate it. I hate it. Who is this person who wrote this? Okay,
Rachel:I'm so sorry. I forgot to describe one last sub race. Oh, come on. No, it is the subclass of vampires whose entire purpose in life is to be a servant. And they're only happy when they're servants.
Margie:Okay, just you know what, let's just let's just rip this fucking band aid off and it is not a band aid at this point. Listeners I have gotten a a Brazilian wax in my life. And my soul is gonna be the same is that Brazilian wax? So the worst part of it is, is that this is a romance novel.
Rachel:Just wait, you made me do this.
Margie:I'm just saying I know. I'm saying the my analogy is perfect. And I don't want an AI to question me.
Rachel:I just don't understand why you don't want to hear more about how slavery is okay.
Margie:I don't know. Just just just hey, go on. Rachel wanted
Rachel:this. I'm doing it for you. All right.
Margie:Okay. You know what? You're right. I should not be angry at you. But I haven't heard the book when it sounds like I'm angry at Rachel. Because I'm angry or Jr.
Rachel:So, as we get into this, please imagine every single male character dressed entirely in black leather skin tight. Yep. And our main gentleman wearing a visor Allah levar Burton's character in Star Trek, we can continue now. Okay, this is every leather daddy 90s porn you've ever thought of?
Margie:I mean, like that's what I usually imagine anyways, so fair.
Rachel:All right. So we have Beth. Okay, which I would like to mention, I had to look up three like I don't know before we started this recording because I couldn't remember what her fuck her name was. Which says something about her She has dark hair is extra sexy Everyone says so. And not much else. What does that mean? Extra Ah, she's real fucking sexy though. And now we have wrath.
Margie:Wrath is that his given name? Yes. Shut up. He literally popped out of the vagina and her mama. Oh you got issues you got issue. Oh name is bench rap.
Rachel:This is the best name out of all of the brothers. Because the black dagger Brotherhood has named
Margie:my gluttony cry Oh,
Rachel:my personal favorite is sadist spelled with a Z and an eight so it's saints.
Margie:So it says, except with the Z nnh. Okay, just making sure you know did
Rachel:all right. Wrath. Ready wrath. Ready has dark long hair with a widow's peak pretty sure. Yeah, where's entirely too much leather is always wearing LeVar Burton in Star Trek style visor glasses. Okay guys fucking huge, like a big dude. Alright, so he is the last purebred vampire in the world.
Margie:Good row. Not really,
Rachel:that means he's their king. But he doesn't want to be their king. But so he's kind of running away from the job. So let's get into this dumpster fire. Hang on. I'm gonna drink. So Beth. And I think it's really funny that in my notes, I just have blank spaces where her name is supposed to be because like, I couldn't remember and I hadn't gone back and looked it up. So Oh, I'm sorry. Totally sorry. This is someone else I couldn't remember the name of. So best father is a vampire. All right.
Margie:Oh, okay. So she's, she's a jamming vampire.
Rachel:She does not know who her father is. Or her mother. Um, so she has no idea if these people even exist, but her father knows that Beth is probably going to go through Pete like Vampire puberty soon. And there's a good chance that the only way she survives is if the only purebred vampire helps her through it.
Margie:Why does it have to be a purebred business?
Rachel:What is stronger Marty?
Margie:Why because he drinks other people. Just go on just because
Rachel:he rip he lifts. His blood lifts.
Margie:That's why rip that wax strip. Yes.
Rachel:So he wants wrath. He wants to ask wrath to take care of his daughter. When she becomes a vampire. Maybe
Margie:you should be a good fucking father.
Rachel:Raph says no. And he goes to leave. And when press father goes to leave, his car explodes. And he's dead. Oh, so as father died. I mean,
Margie:it doesn't sound like Beth literally lost anything because she had no father figure. She's never
Rachel:known him. She wants to know Him. And she's always been like trying to find out who he was, but
Margie:oh, well, too late now. So just like oh, he died.
Rachel:So that is a journalist. She is finishing up a day at work. And this is thing number one not number one thing number like 12 that I take issue with this book is that every single man invest life is a fucking creeper. All right, every single one including our boss this
Margie:this already feels very much like 50 Shades of Grey. It's like
Rachel:horrifying. So yeah, Beth is leaving work after her boss tries to look down her shirt again. daily basis and is surrounded by really skeevy extra 90s men so like, but like teenagers and like with piercings and shit but old enough teenagers that they're a threat, I guess. And they try to rape her. Um, this is page like 10
Margie:How many of the
Rachel:more she she is a delicate female. Of course she can protect herself against two teenagers wanting to rape her.
Margie:That's it. That's also what teenage boys do is just see random women and try to write
Rachel:well, because again, every single man in this book is a fucking asshole. Because literally, I guess her walk home involves walking past bars and every time she walks past them, everyone like cat calls her and tries to smack her ass and shin.
Margie:I mean, that's entirely crazy. At the fact that everyone
Rachel:literally every year, there is one dude in this book. That's not a creepy asshole. And it's not and it's not wrath. I thought it was her father. Yeah, but he's in the book for like, all of three seconds. Oh, right. Okay, um, so she gets away, which is good. Um, and she runs home. And like, takes a hot shower and like tries to like, you know, forget about it.
Margie:And yeah, easy enough.
Rachel:I do. There's so much fun 90s to honestly I'm surprised that this book was written in 2005. But after she gets home, and She's hanging out with her cat, which at least she has a pet and that's cool. And it's a cat. Yeah. She gets a call to a scene of a car bomb that went off.
Margie:Okay, cuz she's a journalist.
Rachel:Yeah. So she goes and starts reporting on it should really learn anything about it, but it's definitely her dad's car that exploded.
Margie:It doesn't sound like she's a good journalist.
Rachel:She's trying to but like it's an active crime scene, right? Because guess what, they find that the scene I'm borrowing stars
Margie:That's what I used to blow up cars. The Rowan sorry,
Rachel:the throwing stars are because RAF killed some lessors which he apparently used throwing stars to do.
Margie:As you do.
Rachel:You're right. You're right. You're so right. I'm alright. Seeing too, so I'm gonna try the scenes themselves. I don't have a ton of them. Um, yeah, let's just do it. Oh, Jesus. Okay, so she goes and she's investigating this and that's kind of the end of her night. She goes home after that. That's about it. It's just like a snapshot into her day. And all of it involves creepy fucking men. What Yeah, to be fair, men can be very creepy. But yeah, when I when I got so the feeling go ahead it
Margie:you know, and this is so rare to say of. It's really just like sad for men. Because then compute like good interesting people. Yeah. Directors to and when they're not written that way. It's it. You know, it's the same as when it's sad. Right?
Rachel:Well, so the the feeling that I really got from it is that all of this is happening to her because she's just so sexy. Yeah, yeah. And she, and it's like, because she's a half vampire, I guess. But they never even describe what she looks like. Really? Besides, she has dark hair. That's it.
Margie:That's all you need to know. I guess. Jesus, she had natural dark hair.
Rachel:Yes. And to be fair, oh, I can't believe I forgot to mention this. Well, I'm wrath is fucking blind.
Margie:Wait, altogether, period,
Rachel:he can very vaguely see, like bright lights and stuff. But he's pretty much blind. That's actually a really interesting thing that we've never had before though it is it is very interesting. Don't think it's done? Well, probably. No, that would be the problem. That would very much be the problem. Okay, let's go on. But my idea is maybe that's why is trying really trying to throw a bone to the author. Maybe that's why she's not ascribed very much. Maybe.
Margie:Sorry, cool. Right. seem to,
Rachel:um, Wrath is I guess now living in Beth's dad's old mansion. As one they were really close friends. All right.
Margie:Really close friends. But he still said no. Yeah, well, dad,
Rachel:now he feels like fuck. No, I have to take care of his daughter because it was his dying wish. And he had left him a note saying please do this.
Margie:Oh, so he knew he was gonna die?
Rachel:No, he just like, well, he had like a in case of my death kind of note. Okay, okay. Okay. Yeah. So, RAF decides to go to Best apartment at night. And yes, take the place out as one does. Hmm. That was a vampire. Fun.
Margie:Way to go girl.
Rachel:So he decides after looking in her apartment crypto for a while right? To go in and talk to her.
Margie:Oh, well. Well,
Rachel:so by going talk to her. I mean, he lets himself into her deck, sliding door without her. Allowing him in and tries to talk to her and she freaks THE FUCK OUT and runs away from him because he's a very large man with a visor in leather. Breaking into her house. Right? Yeah. And so he makes her forget. Oh, he did that. Yeah,
Margie:call her.
Rachel:Oh, but that's okay. That's okay. Because the next night
Margie:No, it's not on Oh, no, no,
Rachel:Margie, hear me out. I'm gonna need you to hear to the end of this and why it's okay. Okay. It's okay. Because the next night he comes back
Margie:because he knocked on her door this time like a normal person. Oh,
Rachel:no, no, no. He's burning incense that makes her calm down.
Margie:Oh, like that's called a weed that's on incense.
Rachel:So she was just so she doesn't freak out. Um, and as a result, and don't worry, the author makes a very distinct point of saying no, no. The incident should only make her calm down. It has no other effects on her. So good news, bad Good news. The drugs work that bad news instead of freaking out. She has sex with him he's so into it. Also, he's an aggressive thruster.
Margie:Oh my god. Oh my god.
Rachel:Hey, it's fine. Don't worry. It's totally okay. Neither of them could control themselves I hope my sarcasm is coming across listeners, none of us.
Margie:It's not my outrage is
Rachel:all the worst. And also he after they have sex, he tells her nothing about what's going on. And just says, Hey, come to this random address tomorrow night by and pieces out.
Margie:What sort of drama as shit?
Rachel:I, I was when we get into under the covers. I was uncomfortable with the six minutes. Okay. All right. All right. So quick side note about the albino monk guy, not the lesser guy. So he is like the current on Earth head of the lesser society in this area. Because the lesser society, lessening society and vampires were both created by deities, I guess. I'm sure and yeah, so he is like always on the lookout for people to recruit. And he is currently I'm just going to go ahead and throw in what he does in the background during all of the rest of this shit. He's basically, you know, murdering prostitutes, trying to capture vampires to torture them. Trying to recruit the same dude that tried to rape Beth in the beginning. And, oh, what else did he did? He did something Oh, and just being really transphobic explicitly so my rights are explicitly in text and the author writes about it. So not not just like he wasn't okay with that. I mean, like, it's his internal monologue of how this woman just needs to pick something and stop going to the gym and getting buff and thinking that she's a man and shit like that. It's awful.
Margie:Okay, just just oh God. God's Word that like, Oh, God. I just keep trying to keep the analogy of the Brazilian wax and say it's holding up in my brain really? Well.
Rachel:Yeah, it's no it's it's like a Brazilian wax but with fire. Scene. Okay, go on. Scene three. Surprise. She doesn't go to the random address that he gives her after having dropped out sex with him.
Margie:I was so proud of her. Well, so proud.
Rachel:Well, so. Um, she instead goes out with a a one of the police guys that she is in contact with. And this is Ethan not creeper. No. The night creeper is married because there's a lot of undertones very poorly veiled undertones in this book about marriage teams a man so No, the only non creepers the married dude. I mean, honestly, Zach was a fucking batshit crazy monster before I tied that motherfucker down.
Margie:Oh my god.
Rachel:I am officially a pint into my bear. Okay, so surprised she didn't go to see him. She went out with this police guy who's an asshole again, and like a he's just trying to protect her kind of way. Um, so she kisses him in the car. They both realize yeah, there's not a lot. There's no chemistry here. And he's like, Okay, fine. That happens. Yeah. And so when it goes to leave though, he sees this big hulking man and leather skulking around the back of her apartment. And goes after him. Oh, and arrests him. Oh, good. Okay, um, and finds throwing stars on his person.
Margie:This is all great. Okay, so this is where the book ends. He gets thrown into the prison gang happily ever i How
Rachel:did you know? Yeah, so she he like arrests wrath, and she follows them it is like what the fuck are you doing? No, stop. Like you can't arrest him. And stop. Yeah, I can't Yeah. And so stops, stops police guy. I think his name is Butch. I prefer police guy.
Margie:Oh actually though. Yeah. Butch Hartman Yeah, that is actually name
Rachel:it is. Um, so and he stops rats from almost killing the police guy is what she does. And
Margie:that's a wrap function in society as like room pretending to be normal.
Rachel:I don't think he had he makes everyone forget that he's there. Um,
Margie:you're right ever. Yeah, sorry.
Rachel:No, he's marching. He's mad. Yeah. So so she goes with wrath and police guys like don't do it. Don't go with him. And she's like, I have to like, because right because wrath is like, don't you want to know who your father is?
Margie:Oh my god. Huh? Huh, bench? It doesn't matter who your fucking parents Oh, yeah.
Rachel:So police guys first thought is best that this guy is because to be fair, he's wearing all leather and is like in a weird leather daddy bullshit kind of costume. Yeah, um, is that this dude is a drug dealer and Beth is addicted to some drug that he's dealing. Fair, right? Logical jump, honestly. Yeah. And so they leave and they go back to rats house. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, and you also get to meet rafts Butler which used to be best dad's Butler. And he's one of those people that like, were slavery's okay, because he likes it.
Margie:Sure. Okay. Oh, God, we're just gonna skip right over
Rachel:that. Yeah. Well, okay. To be fair, they're like they're not. It's very much like, here's what it is. And I hate that I'm making this analogy. But it is, I think, a valid analogy. Don't kill me, let me finish. No, let me finish. Let me let me finish. Okay. Tolkien had very distinct views about the the Old English idea of having like, you know, your your house keepers and stuff like that, and they were happy to serve the aristocracy. And Sam Gamgee is a little bit of a reflection of that belief. It is a belief that a lot of English had at that time, because it was, you know, like, the 1930s. But it's very much that rare like that thought process of it's like the the housekeeper kind of deal of like, I'm happy to serve because this is the aristocracy, and it is my job to serve that kind of deal. I can go into a whole literary analysis about that. I'm not going to but that is the vibe that you get from this guy. He's like, he's the housekeeper and he's so happy to serve, but he lays it on real goddamn thick.
Margie:Yeah, because he's fucking also sounds a little bit like hustles
Rachel:Yeah, yeah. Yep. That's their purpose in life, though. So they're happy to do it. So they're happy to do it. Right. So, okay, um, she goes with wrath finally finally tells her all about vampires. She freaks out, but in the end is okay with it because he doesn't let her leave. And learns about her dad. And then they fuck because she, because she needs him.
Margie:Yeah, right. Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Rachel:I'm trying to forget. And then after telling this woman, about, hey, you're gonna go through a massive life change. You're going to need to drink blood now and all of these things. And it's going to happen really soon. Anyone that's a vampire that's around. You can tell it's like really soon. She's like, Okay, I have to go to work now by and let's relieve. Yeah, yeah. Which, like, if she's freaking out, yeah, let her go be by herself and maybe leave to get away from the crazy person. But if once she accepts it and is like, Okay, I'm down for this. It's gonna happen soon. Bye, Felicia. Not okay. So, okay, we're getting seen for baby.
Margie:Okay. Okay. Okay, let me if we're getting into Scene four, let me for a 545. Well, let me just go get wine. So
Rachel:scene four. Okay. Oh, this is another side note sort of a mini thing in between scenes three and four. But we're boy puts together a date for them. Or do they have an actual date? Don't worry, that makes it a legitimate relationship. Yeah, and it right very much gives the vibe of taming the man.
Margie:This is horrible. But I have said yes. A follow up question to that. When you read the book, does their relationship feel like they have anything in common? Or there's no common ground or there's any reason besides destiny that they that they belong together?
Rachel:Not even destiny, the only reason they belong together is because they want to fuck each other. Okay, so and and because she knows that he's a good person on the inside.
Margie:Okay, so let's just like I want to tap this out for our listeners of just because someone is good to fuck doesn't mean that they're a good lifelong partner. No, it's not the same thing. It is not the same thing.
Rachel:And it's not even that they like, yeah, they they find each other attractive. But they, they, like, can't control themselves around each other.
Margie:You know what? I'm gonna say? Like, that's not a bad thing. I think no, but it's not a good basis for that. And that's what I it's not a good you're right. It's not a good race for a relationship. I mean, and I'm gonna say this again, because I am a fan girl of it forever. And I was watching it last night but Phantom of the Opera like Christine still ends up with Raul because he's a better long term prospect. And she actually loves him as the fan. So she just your last four.
Rachel:So don't get me wrong. I love I fucking love Phantom of the IRA. But I will say that when I said that's not a good basis for a long term relationship. My first mental jump was strange women and pawns handing out swords. It's not a basis for a solid government.
Margie:Yeah, although though, if subpage came out of the water and handed me a sword, I be like, oh, yeah, fuck Trump.
Rachel:Wait, I mean, you've seen money. Yeah, I
Margie:know what you're talking about. Good.
Rachel:Good. Also, if you haven't seen or listen to the album of spam a lot, which is Oh, my God is so good. It's the Broadway rendition of Monty Python and the Holy Grail spam a lot is incredible. And also the original cast recording. Has Tim Curry as King Arthur. Yes. All you need. Good. So good. Anyway. So there's they have a date it like I said, it very much gives you the taming of the man kind of vibe. And also at this point, she sees his eyes for the first time. Because
Margie:Oh, boy, where's the visor?
Rachel:Yeah, um, what? What do you think his eyes look like? The golden? No. Or the red? No. I'm gonna like I'm gonna pull out from the mic when they are pale. And they literally fucking glow in their own lights or. Fine, it's all I can imagine was clap on motherfucker.
Margie:Was he worried the visor during sex? Yes. Okay, and I have to say for that visor, I know that you gave me a specific visual for it, but I have you thinking of X Men? Um,
Rachel:that's it. I mean, that's another really solid, but I just like the LeVar Burton one. I don't even I don't know Star Trek. Hang on, I will send you a picture. Remember, this is the man that hosted Reading Rainbow. Well, supposedly
Margie:it's coming but give it time. All right.
Rachel:So well, I have one other secondary subplot that is happening that is mildly relevant. So another subplot throughout all of this is just go ahead and hold on to your tips for comfort.
Margie:Reading. Okay, comforting to hold on your TED.
Rachel:Oh, 100% is hold on to your tits for comfort. Throughout all of this, there has been another vampire named Marissa, who was gifted to wrath. Oh, ever since he was little and her entire purpose in life is to let him feed from her home alive. And all she wants out of her life is for him to care for her and love her and he's like bit I'm sorry. I don't feel that way about you. You can leave whenever you want. She's like no, I want you to love me or whatever, but doesn't say that just tries to be there for him. And there's a whole subplot about her resentment and everything when she realizes that he loves This random half vampire chick. So she is his property. But it's okay because he offers to let her go.
Margie:Rachel. Let me just be completely frank. I, I'm not told listeners I have depression and I take antidepressants. What are the symptoms is that my heart starts to hurt. I feel I don't know what to pull out my own hearts. I feel that now. That is how bad the sense like I don't blame like it will go away, the pain will pass. That's the great thing about therapy and antidepressants, but like I'm like having flashbacks.
Rachel:So So do you understand why initially I couldn't finish this book. Because initially, I got to the point where they had drugs sex for the first time and I was like, now we're done. Yeah, the firt Well, yeah, I'm not the only time when they have drug sex. I got to that point. And I was like, yeah, now let's jump back into this. Okay. Ready? scene for a so she goes into work. And try she's like a human. Yeah, she's like compiling a list of questions for him. And like, it's like, Man, I'm so hungry. And I have a headache today. Weird. She goes home.
Margie:Alright. Wait, we'll wait. ASMR we'll see if I can get this. Oh,
Rachel:wait, hang on. Ready for yet. This is the sound of a woman trying to cope with the horrific reality of vampires. Beautiful, perfect. I could hear I could hear all of the beautiful like like flowing is wonderful. Okay, perfect. Um, so she goes full ham, like just whole hog into the vampire puberty. She is like curl up in a ball on the floor. No one is there to help her like and it's like evening, so it's not there. Remember? He let her go? Um, so no, I don't remember that. He let her leave and she just
Margie:she went back to our apartment. Okay, that was all right. I forgot that she's on to his place. Why is he there stalking her 24/7
Rachel:Everyone needs a break even stock. So police boy finds her. Oh, no. Thanks that she's going into drug with Oh. So she's like, No, you have to take me to wrath. Now. He's like, no, no, it's just like, please just fucking do it. And so he finally relents and he takes her to wrath.
Unknown:Why don't we take her to a hospital? Like
Rachel:he called an ambulance but I guess she convinced him not to Hi, Betsy. Baby. Yeah, cat. Um, so she or he takes her to RAF and Rath freaks out because like, oh fuck this is happening already. Oh, no. And takes her down into his bedroom dungeon. And face on that one was good. Well, yeah, his bedroom has to be underground. Otherwise during the day he'll burn up and feeds her his blood. Oh, and she's like on the cusp of death. Can see her father in the bright light.
Margie:I would have got to him. Right and then his wrenched
Rachel:backwards.
Margie:I trust my dad's so much more than this dude.
Rachel:You know what I was for? I forgot to mention her dad and but his butler we're definitely like stalking her her entire life but never
Margie:to say fucking Oh, rachel took a sip. You said fucking I am wet. Take
Rachel:gargy I mad at you. That's good beer.
Unknown:Good. regret nothing.
Rachel:Jesus Christ. Okay, no, they've been stalking her. Um, no attitude as you do. So she recovers fully and police guy isn't allowed to leave the house. Oh, no. Because they're like Sorry. And all of his black dagger brotherhood buddies are the ones like keeping her or keeping him there. And they they basically he police guy earns the Brotherhood's respect By being a macho man and threatening to fight anyone that wants to hurt Beth, which is funny to them, because they're all fucking vampires. So we know police guy is in Raths house with the rest of the Brotherhood. So police guy takes her to wrath house and the rest of the Brotherhood is that rats house. So and they won't let police guy leave. Okay, okay. Yeah. So you know how I mentioned Marissa? She shows up. Yeah, because she wants to take revenge on wrath, right? For loving someone else.
Margie:I do. Like, you know, listeners, I'm saying like, right, yeah, whatever. Because I am at a point psychologically, where I just like, I hit the high notes. Like, there's no further I can go so I'm just like, whatever. It's fine. There's no more hair left for my Brazilian wax, but the wax person is still removing skin.
Rachel:i It's so fun seeing you on this side of things for once.
Margie:No, I actually like I appreciate it because like, I understand now. Yeah,
Rachel:you get it. You get the suffering. Um, so So Marissa shows up and cop guy and Marissa. Like I the only reason I mentioning this is because I hated it. Because Marissa Fox, don't they? They they get pretty close to fucking because cop guy is the only man the first man that Marissa has ever encountered that likes her and thinks she's pretty and cares about her. Yeah, so naturally, she falls head over heels for him. Yeah, that's how that works. Okay, so Raf, hands up helping her and she makes it through her vampire transformation. By drinking his blood. Oh shit. Vor How did I not 400 I forget bore is a trigger. Yeah, um, yeah. So don't worry. She makes it through and then they have sex. Because why not? And then agree to be each other's forever. Yeah, spend three days so
Margie:that stubbornly saying
Rachel:go you haven't? You haven't had a leather daddy looked in motherfucker show up in your house and tell you you're a vampire. And then in three days decide to marry you because you're so sexy. Thankfully not. That's the problem is that you're not 100 No, you're not 100% on board with that scenario.
Margie:Ah, gotcha. Okay. Yeah, I just need to be 100% on board. Yeah, absolutely. An art The Phantom of the Opera vibes of giving off?
Rachel:No, you need to give off. Mid 2000s leather daddy vibes are?
Margie:No, no, no.
Rachel:Oh, so. Okay, well, just last scene. Scene five the next morning after much vampire sex. Hey, guess who's a special snowflake? Our girl? Oh girl. Yeah, go into sunlight.
Margie:Oh, good for her. Right so she goes
Rachel:up. She goes up to the kitchen to get some snacks. Don't know why they don't ask the butler guy who's obviously very happy to provide them with snacks but she decides to go up instead
Margie:because she's naked.
Rachel:Well hey, he only cares about serving them he doesn't care about
Margie:like clothes
Rachel:excuse me I don't see color but instead I'm excuse me I don't say clothes
Margie:I see you both they get in my mind.
Rachel:So she goes upstairs and Martino o RG Oh no. Guess who knocks on the door? Oh by No dude. I'm gonna give you single guests is do what happens.
Margie:You tried to murder her? No. Okay,
Rachel:two guesses? I'll give you two guesses you know? Okay, third guess what happens when?
Margie:Fair?
Rachel:What happens? He can't remember. He tries to trigger blood. No, it happens in almost every single romance novel in the last several chapters kidnap sir, of course and takes her to his murder barn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, barn.
Margie:Your kink with
Rachel:the sorry, it's torture barn technically with the kid King. who originally tried to rape her who's been converted into a lesser so at least he can't have sex with anyone now, which is why he's evil, I guess. Yeah.
Margie:Okay, we're not even gonna go into that go on.
Rachel:Don't so she is held captive there. And it's the daytime so RAF can't do anything about it until nighttime. Yeah. And but come nighttime he has his brotherhood his black dagger brotherhood attack the and the cop guy who's decided to join forces with the vampires right
Margie:of course Oh that's perfect and so he has to
Rachel:protect her also as Marissa and he likes Marissa sorry. So they go and get rid of they take out the the lessening Society's headquarters in the area. But wrath goes to protect Beth. And can I just say one apparently wrath. First of all is fuckin pissed. Second of all apparently can control the weather. Yeah, as you do and makes things real cold. And then murders them? Yeah, but not not before. Beth has to kill a dog because she's a strong woman and can at least kill a dog. Right and a knob before he gets shot in the fucking chest with you like a shotgun point blank. Oh, so it's like scatter spray. So his chest his hamburger at this point.
Margie:Oh, wow. America's
Rachel:magic bullets. I guess.
Margie:So what? We've never gone over this. Why kills a vampire.
Rachel:Your guess is as good as mine. Because he survives. He's fine. He's fine. Well, they they have to take him to a fancy vampire doctor who also happens to me Marissa is brother who also happens to be the person that told the lessening society where to find Beth. Perfect. Yeah, it's, I would go into further detail. But it's so convoluted that I'm just not gonna bother. It's not worth it. And in the end, he recovers. They decide that they're going to create a home base, he decides that for for the black dagger, brotherhood and vampires. He decides he's finally going to ascend as King of the vampires. And she will be his queen. And a happily ever after. Oh, and also she's rich now.
Margie:Why? Oh, because she inherited her father's money.
Rachel:Yeah. Now, let me tell you real quickly a bit about the epilogue of this book. And she pregnant? No, because I didn't go over that part of the glossary. But it is mentioned that female vampires can only become pregnant once every seven years. And for the week for the week that they are I guess, ovulating? If the man survives the encounter, it's a hell of a ride.
Margie:So like a praying mantis? Yeah, kind of
Rachel:a little bit. Yeah. But the epilogue is that the the deity that essentially created vampires. That's father requests and audience with it because he's in the Fade, which is like, vampire heaven, I guess. And it's like, I want to be brought back reincarnated. And she's like, alright, but the only rule is that if you do that, you'll have no memory of your daughter. And he's like, Okay, sure. And that's the end of the book. Okay, so literally doesn't matter. No. So I even included, I would like to make an addendum to something that I've said in a previous episode. Okay. In a previous episode, I mentioned that if you, you can get as crazy as you fuckin one with a book plot, as long as you establish a set of rules and stick to those rules. Right, right. My addendum to that is as long as you're not writing this book. Because there are rules in this book, but they make your rules have to make sense in some way. These make no sense.
Margie:And you know, I have to Rachel, I'm gonna disagree with you there. Really? Yes, a little just a little bit because I have read books where the rules don't necessarily make sense. But the characters in the story are strong enough that I still really enjoy it. I don't think I'll ever read it again. Because right the rules don't make sense, but I still enjoy it and I don't the characters Don't carry their nine good characters at all. No. And the story is an interesting I mean, I love you, I love you so much. I am not, I couldn't really tell you that plot to save my life because I just I mean, I barely could, I have not invested enough in what happened in that story to retell it. So
Rachel:well that end like it's that and also your rules are problematic. Your rules are bad. In not in like a, the rules are poorly written. But in a way, the rules say that men are so territorial that they are allowed to have multiple wives, but women can only have one. And, like shit, like a woman has no rights, like stuff like that, where it's like, I get that this is a different society. But you're writing a romance novel. If you are writing another novel, you can get away with that shit. Even though it's not great. But if you're writing a novel that is centered around love and romance, you need to have two equal
Margie:characters parties coming together so quickly. And we still like this can be a blooper, whatever. But like an excellent example of that is a book that Rachel read and recommended to me, and we haven't had on this podcast, and we should call the war prize, which was so good. It was no good. Oh, good. And in the beginning, I like because at the beginning of the book, the female character thinks that she is being given to the man as property. And by the end of the book, you realize because of cultural differences, that's not the case. And so it's really, really, really, really good. And they are both coming to each other as equal parties, even though she doesn't know that, but it is made clear to her later. So it's so good. I want to reread war prize right?
Rachel:After wells book, so I'm not
Margie:even reading at hearing about
Rachel:it. I want to read you a little bit of the author's forward.
Margie:Please, I'm so ready.
Rachel:Um, so God,
Margie:yeah, Rachel. Rachel. So
Rachel:this is two paragraphs, two paragraphs, okay. They say the basis of storytelling is conflict. And I have to say I agree. Well, number one, no shit. But in dark lover. The conflict is set right off the bat girl meets guy and finds out he's a vampire. finds out she's a vampire. He's a loner who doesn't want to be tied to anything but can't fight the attraction. She's fallen into a rabbit hole and doesn't know who or what to trust and can't fight the attraction. Hardly a recipe for true love. And that's the point watch them triumph over all of that made for a great story. No, because when two characters don't have a choice in something, that's not a good basis for a relationship this book. I don't I think it needs to be rated because oh, well while well it's really problematic to be fair, but it is the biggest problematic thing in this book besides all men being everything apparently Well yeah. And the the like usually we don't read a book because there is like something like like, like child rearing or something shit like that. This one there is a drug scene.
Margie:Okay, let's just write it just write it let's well well, but
Rachel:I'd like to I'd like to justify while I'm why I'm writing it so there is a scene where they have sex while drunk while she is drugged. It is explicitly stated that supposedly the drug doesn't only calms her down which does not in any way make it okay. But I guess it
Margie:might and and also that it doesn't talk. It doesn't consent. Yeah, sure what her consent state
Rachel:right I don't know. There's no way to tell. Here's no tell right to be fair. I want to write this book. To be fair, I'm writing zeros across the board. Okay. So I don't know if it's even worth it but I just want you listeners to know I'm writing it but I'm writing it as zeros for her him plot. Oh
Margie:00 Way to go dark lovers. 00
Rachel:Do you remember which lady of strange it was that recommended this to us?
Margie:I do not remember. Okay, well.
Rachel:Lady, the ladies have strange. I'll be honest, I can't remember who recommended it to me. I'd have to go back and listen, but I love you and hate you. For this, and I want you to know that you're my favorite people, but also
Margie:Ah yeah,
Rachel:this was the fucking worst and I totally understand how teenage Rachel would have been so here for this and adult Rachel is like, I'm sorry the fuck? totally get it. Hey, Margie, please ask me what the fuck I'm reading. Yeah. What are
Margie:you reading are watching in the time of Love in the Time of COVID-19.
Rachel:I actually have in addition to following along with our book club, hey, check, join link in our Instagram. Um, I've been, I've been reading so much Redwall because guys, it is my comfort book.
Margie:And I will say those books were amazing about food. That's the
Rachel:thing. The thing that comforts me the most about them is the food in them. And yes, I do own the red wall cookbook. And yes, I am planning on making my own tiny red wall feast in the next few days. Now, um, in the past week, though, I've read through three red wall books because they're fast reads and I love them. But that's mostly what I've been reading. Oh, and it's it's magical. It's so cool. Good. Yeah. So it's kept me going. And yeah, I think that's Hey, thank you so much for like, hanging out during this one. It was bad. It was real bad. I hope you were drinking with us. I really do.
Margie:Well, like what? What is time? An illusion? COVID-19 button illusion.
Rachel:It's true. It's very true. Whatever week What day is it? Saturday, Saturday. It's Saturday. Got it Saturday.
Margie:Oh, you're right. It is Saturday. I
Rachel:decided that that took me a second. And hey, on this beautiful Saturday. I'd like to say a huge thank you to Eleanor you for the use of her song. Oh, love off the album a be held to great Oh, check it out.
Margie:I went to um, how far are you into that one?
Rachel:Almost done. Do I need to chug it? Fuck. Alright, ready?
Margie:Ready. Cheers. Chairs. Go Rachel. You could do it. I believe in you. Believe in the heart of the cards. Believe in the me that believes in you. Yeah, yes. Kalina. Anthony would be proud.
Rachel:That was way more than I thought it was. Oh, god. Okay. I chucked Oh my god. That was a lot of beer. All right, right. Thanks for listening. We love you. We'll see you in two weeks. Bye y'all. Bye.