Textual Tension
The comedy podcast that unpacks the bananas world of romance novels! Tune in every other Tuesday as one co-host, either Margie or Rachel, recount a romance novel to the other unsuspecting co-host.
Whether you love romance, love comedy, or love both, join us on our truly bananas comedy adventure!
Textual Tension
Ep. 63: Non-Consensual Shrek
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Ah Ye Olde Times. A whole bunch of terrible diseases, serfs that were basically slaves, and extremely questionable attitudes towards women. Romantic, right? Your co-hosts are going back in time and discussing Johanna Lindsey's, Defy Not the Heart.
Oh, hi there. I didn't see you. We'll go to textual tension. I'm your co host, Rachel. And every other week I, uh, you know, I provide you with all that good secret information you want, you know? Well, the stuff we're doing. Yeah, that's like, my one job. I don't do anything for the other two weeks in between episodes. I'm just sit here waiting to record this again. Yeah, so. So I got a little bit of info for you guys. Not a ton of updates, honestly, this week, which is, you know, both a good thing and a bad thing. Nothing bad. Nothing. Super Wonderful. I'll take it for now. Honestly, real quick, we have a new patron, which is like, amazing. We love our patrons. We love all of you. But we really love our patrons. So hey, Alexa, thank you so so much for supporting us, we really appreciate it. And I think you're great. I personally do. Because I, I actually know you. And I think you're fantastic. So you know, you're wonderful, thank you. And hey, if you're you are interested in supporting us on Patreon, you can head on over to patreon.com/textual, tension, and seal all the cool extra stuff that we have. We actually just recently did our first ever live stream with our$10 patrons. It was an absolute blast, we had so much fun. We talked about all kinds of books that we've been reading and just kind of Mr. Brown answered questions. It was amazing. So we're really looking forward to our February live stream that's going to be coming up here in a couple of weeks. And there's all sorts of like bonus goodies over there. So head on over there, see what's up. And hey, if you are not in a position supportive over there, that's totally fine. If you did want to support us, maybe recommend us to one of your friends that you think might like the show, or, you know, leave us a review a rating and review would be amazing. And I can neither confirm nor deny or to find out for yourself. But if you maybe screenshot that review, send it to us in a personal message with some information we might maybe give you stickers. Only time will tell. And hey, if you have any comments or want to talk to us about anything, hit us up on all of our social media. We are at textual tension pod across the board. We have a website, textual tension pond.com. And we have an email address at textual tension pod@gmail.com. We love to hear from you guys. We do listen to recommendation books all the time. So hit us up with those racks or ask us questions about books. Give us your opinions on books doesn't matter. We want to hear all of it. So hit us up. That would be awesome. Oh, boy, I think that sure is it, huh? Yeah. Oh, actually, no, one more thing. We haven't mentioned it in a hot minute. But in case you you want maybe to wrap some of some of the cool, cool textual tension brand, head on over to our T public. There is a link to that on our email or on our website, as well as through the link in our bio on Instagram. And there's all kinds of cool stuff over there. So there's some neat mugs. I have a really cool pillow that says WaitWhat. And just a bunch of cool stuff. So check that out. And yeah, so I think that's it. So if you are still with me here and haven't already skipped to the episode if you have, well, you're not going to hear this anyway. But you're going to miss out on honestly, what is a phenomenal, phenomenal name for this episode that I'm very proud of. But if you haven't then hey, how about some romance novel wisdom, romance novel love interests are like onions, they have layers. Maybe one layer is sensitive. Maybe one layer will kidnap you in from your castle in the middle of the night. But deep down they they're all pretty much the same. Literal ogres say without further ado, here is episode 63 non consensual shred Shrek
Margie:tearing me apart from Roxy. Hello,
Rachel:and welcome to textual tension, a love hate relationship with romance novels. I am your co host Rachel and I am your co host Margie. Every other week one of us reads and summarizes a romance novel for our unsuspecting co host this week. Margie is listening. It's me it's you. And together we unpack what
Margie:the fuck just happened.
Rachel:That's good. Too bad. So Margie and I had such a wholesome adventure last time.
Unknown:We did man that I decided to destroy it.
Margie:Let's save LightWave like
Rachel:yes we are. So I was really thinking about it. And I was like you know what? Margie has a series In our podcast, and that's the Twilight series. Yeah, the one that always reads Twilight yen. And I want to series I think I should have
Unknown:told you to do 50 Shades of Grey.
Rachel:No, no, I want to I want to decide my own series. And I did. And you're gonna hate it.
Unknown:Oh, okay. Are you ready?
Margie:I decided ready it's all ever be
Rachel:I'm sending you the picture on Discord. I decided that my series was going to be a books with Fabio on the cover.
Unknown:Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, oh, I hate it. I hate it so much. Okay. All right.
Margie:And I definitely heard this bitches name. All right. So the title of the book listeners is defined not the hearts Okay, Yoda. It's by Johanna Lindsey. Hmm. And it features of it. So it's to a man and a woman in front of a very purple background. It is like it's it's very purple. Um, it's that type of purple that like promotional posters in in grade schools, like they change to that color over time.
Unknown:And yeah, yeah, that's
Margie:the specific purple. And but then our two I'm assuming the leads, there's a woman with dark, long black hair, and a bright red dress on and she's sitting in the lap of our dear Fabio and she's clutching his thigh. Our oil painted Fabio, our oil painted Fabi excuse me, and he's got his hand like grazing. His thumb is grazing her boob?
Rachel:Oh 100% 100 And
Margie:there's a sword down there. So I'm assuming that in the throes of passion like can you put a sword on the ground safety first?
Rachel:Sword on safety
Margie:did he but he didn't sheet this sword.
Rachel:No, not yet.
Margie:Not in the sheath.
Rachel:It's it will be it really will be.
Margie:Okay, all right. Send me the encryption girl.
Rachel:I am going to send you I'm just going to go ahead and copy and paste it right right into discord for you to read. There you go.
Margie:All right, ready?
Rachel:Uh huh. Are you right?
Margie:I know I'm not I'm just gonna throw out a man I'm not so hold you. But here we go. Reina fees with the rage over her fate. Taking captive by the night ran off a golden giant of a man who has pledged to deliver her to the nuptial bed of the despise Lord Rothwell. Okay, it's like it's like not a not consensual Shrek so
Rachel:oh god Fabio is Shrek change my mind? Yes.
Margie:She will never we need to. We need to put Shrek ears on.
Rachel:I will Photoshop in green and put Shrek ears on him. Alright,
Margie:so she will never accept such bondage, and Reina offers herself to her kidnap kidnapper. I'm assuming kidnapper instead offering to make Randolph a great lord once he agrees to wet her. We're just moving on. Keep going great night desires much more than a marriage of convenience from this proud headstrong lady who treats him with score and yet makes his blood run hotter than liquid fire. That's lava. You could have just said lava she must come to Him of her own free will after I kidnapped her or ran off will pay for the passion that consumes the book not long be denied even though greatest peril surely awaits them on the hearts trail to a destiny deaths. Deaths. Death. Love. Okay, so let me write Rachel, I need to break this down for a second because I'm a little confused. This guy kidnapped sir, to the basis of any great relationship the basis of any great relationship so that he can deposit her on someone else to marry her. Uh huh. Yeah. And and she's like, No, fuck that. Hey, kidnapper. Marry me instead.
Rachel:Yeah, what what's not to get?
Margie:Everything Everything is not to get nothing guys when had
Rachel:Two things but I got from that one the name of this episode is now going to be non consensual Shrek two to a less than half of that description actually happens.
Unknown:Oh, okay, good. Go on right on but
Rachel:it's not the half that you wish didn't happen. So she gets kidnapped. Yes, absolutely. So, listeners normally i i just rattle off triggers off the dome. Yep, I had to make a list for this one. So the triggers list spousal abuse, homophobia, child abuse, child death, gaslighting, general violence, rape and kidnapping. Uh huh. Yeah, is there no vor? No. Vor No. Vor so you know,
Margie:and no yacht kidnapping,
Rachel:no yacht violence?
Unknown:No, yo, yo.
Margie:Yo, violence thought included.
Rachel:Yeah, you have to provide your own yet violence. So obviously, this book was written in, I think, the 80s. So it's gonna be real fun. And by fun, I mean, awful. Um, so we have our characters. We have Raina. Raina is real small, like shortall. Small, but a feisty personality. Blue eyes, black hair. She's not that pretty. At least she doesn't think so. But she's very rich, which we all know matters. What matters?
Margie:No, it doesn't matter. If they're pretty as long as they're
Rachel:17 years old, which i This book takes place in like, King Richard in the Crusades chi type era, like literally that era. So honestly, it's such similar but know how do we do it?
Unknown:Time? Yeah, yeah, she's
Rachel:17. But by this point, because of the time period, she's basically an old maid. Um, and, you know, like I said, She's not that pretty, but have you heard about her tits? Because
Margie:actually, I have I have heard about these tips. You know, they really were legendary.
Rachel:I hope so. Because there's an entire paragraph about her tips that I will be reading later.
Margie:Oh, perfect. I needed more information about those tits.
Rachel:Yeah, not a lot about her face, but a lot about her boobs. So there's that. Then we have Randall Fitzhugh, who is a golden goddess.
Margie:So his mother hated it. Where do you know that? Decided to date him Randall.
Rachel:Something along those lines. He's like,
Margie:Oh, that monstrosity and she was like no, this is a ran off. I've got Benjamin and I've got Randall.
Rachel:It's funny you say monstrosity because this man is a giant. He's like six foot three which in those times? Yeah. fucking huge. Yep. Golden God. violet eyes which we have experienced before and we've learned is an actual thing. He is a bastard both literally and figuratively. And he does not trust ladies. Just does not women. Ladies so like, Royal not royal but like like, like rich people. Rich ladies, which honestly means same. But
Margie:yeah, right. I was just about to say like, I don't think I trust those wives of Congress.
Unknown:Oh, hell no. hell nah, those
Margie:bitches will will will slit your throat before you even notice it's coming. Well ran hides a knife.
Rachel:Well ran off dislikes ladies for a lot of other reasons that aren't ones that we can relate to. So okay, okay into this shit. Scene one. As is becoming my normal opening to these books. Raina is in a pickle. Her dad went off to fight in the Crusades with King Richard and had the sheer audacity to die before she got married. So
Margie:that means if I had a nickel for every time that I've been to one of my friends,
Rachel:right, it's honestly it's terrible. So he but before he died, he gave her leave essentially to choose between two men that she is going to marry because like I said, her ovaries are basically shriveled at this point. There's no you know, she's 17 It's so old. Right so she has sent a word to these two men saying, hey, come to my castle, please. But not telling them why because she was afraid that the letters would be intercepted by someone and they would find out that she's like, alone, essentially. And whoever gets there first is the one she's going to try to marry. Basically, how she's gonna get.
Unknown:That's the way but that's how she's going to choose.
Rachel:She's like, well, either of them would be fine. So whatever.
Margie:But one of them turns out to be really hot. And then the one that she actually ends up married is not that is a lifetime of regret.
Rachel:Well, she knows these two men. Or two missing. Oh, come on. Bring your baby. You're screaming at me on the stairs. I know. That means you're bringing a child down here, we'll bring it up. What do we got? Oh, you didn't bring your baby? What's wrong? She
Margie:just she just craves violence?
Rachel:She don't know. Um, so she does. She doesn't know these two men. Like she has interacted with them in the past. She knows them. So she's like, either of these will be fine. Exactly. So I will say and this is me listeners being fully fully understanding the fact that this book is written and set in the Crusades times. And I understand fully that there were different social norms then. And so like, that doesn't really bother me because it is at least explained in such a way of like, she has got to marry somebody of means that knows how to run her little mini kingdom. And she's got to do it right fast. And she's fully understanding that like, as long as she can put up with them because women's opinions didn't matter. Whatever. Right? Right. Um, that said, some stuff comes up later that I'm still going to completely bash because this is still marketed as romance novels. Oh, yes. novel. So girl,
Unknown:how did we pick the same fucking PA?
Rachel:This makes me very happy. So okay, here we go back to it. Um, right. So the castle is currently under attack, however, by a dude that she she's assuming she's like, Oh, it's from this one guy who wanted to marry me? And I said no. And so he's trying to come attack the castle to kid him, like, take me away and force a force himself upon me because he's tried it once already. Right by Yeah. So she unfortunately doesn't have any knights with her because her dad took him to the crusades, and a lot of them had the sheer just gall to die. And up there. And so she literally was like, Well, fuck it. What else am I gonna do? It puts on the side of armor and is trying to defend her castle and it's not going great. So
Margie:all good for her for giving it a try.
Rachel:Right? And it's literally like, like, if they had waited a week, she would have been fine because she would have been married. So it's like, yeah, bad timing, you know? Retired next Tuesday kind of timing. Um, so let's let's hop over to Randolph Randolph wakes up with Lady Ella in his bed. Lady Ella is his cat on his chest. Oh, that's actually really cute. Yeah. Oh, and there's also a prostitute in his bed too. He mentioned the cat he dismisses the prop because the cat is relevant he dismisses the prostitute the cat can stay ran off is on a little bit of only have
Margie:one policy in bed at a time really got a lead your whole attention.
Rachel:He very obviously prioritizes lady Ella, above other women. So Rana was on just a little bit of a quest, a quest tickle, if you will, to go capture some lady that some Lord says spurned, they were engaged and she has spurned him and refuse to come to their wedding. And so he's like, huh, you're an asshole. So I'm not going to 100% commit to doing this for you, but I will go investigate it because you are going to give me a metric shitload of money if I do it. So I'll think about it, and we'll see how it goes. So ran off shows up to the castle of this lady, which just happens to be under attack. So they're able to awkward, they're able to come up and they route the intruders and take care of everything and save everybody. And Rayleigh is super, super thankful. Because it's Ranas castle. Go figure. Of course. So Raina lets them in and she ends up like so I I'd like to say right away. Randall has a temper. A really bad temper. He is a certified angry boy. So sir Angry boy so he is pissed about a lot of things and like he gets angry that it takes so long for Reina to show up he gets angry about like, well why are they so not you know, defended here and he's just an asshole. So Raina finally is like shows up in armor, which he gets mad about because lady shouldn't be wearing armor and is like, Did God forbid and she's like, I'm sorry, I will let please allow me to like, go be take like, get dressed get changed, you will be taking care of I apologize, people will be sent to your rooms so you can have a bath and all that shit. Um, and she thinks that they have come to ask about her upcoming wedding to somebody because the person that like her father swears fealty to has been asking about it. So he she thinks that they're from them and Ralph doesn't really try to change her mind. He just kind of like rolls with it because it's like, the longer she doesn't know why we're here probably the better Oh, okay. Yeah, so they Reina sends people to attend them and everything in their bath and the only reason I mentioned that is because it just one little thing that's important. So rain is personal attendant is a man named Theo. Theo is gay. Which is why rain is like yeah, definitely not normal. But sure, we're best friends have been forever whatever. Right? So Theo's like ran off loves that well feels like Rana Oh ran off is in no way attracted to Reina Don't worry, perfect. Okay, yeah. Um, so Rana or Reina is like, or feels like hey, Raina. Hey, hey. Hey, can I attend to the Golden God over there? Because Ooh, buddy. And she's like, Yeah, sure. That's fine. Whatever go for it. I know you're into him it's cool. Well Randolph gets pissed about that because the tension homophobia because Theo isn't paying attention and so he maybe kind of accidentally brushes up against rattles nubbin and it's just it's a whole thing. So there's your homophobia. Yeah, okay. Yeah, just got to get you know, okay, just fine. So I had all that to say now ran off is even more mad. So we're starting off strong he's real pissed.
Margie:It's going great. Yeah, he's a certified angry boy. Free Range grass
Rachel:fed that's a new T shirt idea certified angry boy. So that night after all this goes down and ran off is just see thing as he does which honestly is his main state of being
Margie:so not brooding. See the seasons
Rachel:definitely not brooding. See thing so that evening, ran off is sneaking with his friends his night friends. They're on assumed it boys. 90 boys. They're on a super secret sneaky mission. And they sneak into rain his room. knock the hell out because Theo's room, a row Reina up in a rug and kidnap like, oh, good relationships begin again.
Margie:Okay, okay. I like how they wrap her up, though like a burrito?
Rachel:They do they burrito her because they have to sneak her out with no one knowing. So they roll her up in a rug and put her on a cart. And he's like you, my squire. Pretend to be sick. We're taking you in like,
Margie:is she unconscious?
Rachel:No, she is conscious of all of this. But they threatened to kill people in her in her home. So you know, Oh, good. Yeah,
Margie:that that right?
Rachel:It's fine. It's fine.
Unknown:It's fine.
Rachel:So they get her out of the keep of that incident and take her to their camp, which isn't very far away and ran off on Tiser and tries and like sits down is like, alright, this is what's happening. And she is pissed. Yeah, justifiably unlike ran off. And she's like, Hey, what the fuck? And he's like, Oh, well, I'm taking you too Lord Rothwell. Who? Lord Farquaad yet, Lord Farquaad, who you've spurned and she's like, who's the fuck is that? I've never heard of that man. And he's like, really? Do you have proof of that? She's like, yes. In my castle. Well, that's convenient. So in my notes, I say she he doesn't believe she's never heard of the guy and isn't it convenient quote unquote, that she doesn't happen to keep her proof of something like that hiding up her ass or something? So that's also like
Margie:how do you prove that you don't know somebody?
Rachel:She's proved like that is the truth to someone else.
Margie:Okay, yeah, well, that tracks but like Oh, Like, how do you prove though that you don't look through all of my letters in my entire life?
Rachel:Right? Well, so basically, what it shakes out to is, she tries to escape. It doesn't work. But this is where we find out a lot about her boobs. If you want me to read that paragraph. In case you're actually you know what I'm going to because I know Yeah,
Margie:I want I need to know more about these boobs because apparently they're worth a paragraph.
Rachel:Oh, they are worth a full paragraph. It is upsetting actually, my
Margie:book shakes break all the reading I'm sorry, lizards. I can't rhyme.
Rachel:Oh, that was good. That was very good. I really appreciate that. Okay. Um, oh God, and it's a long paragraph. Okay. I'm gonna just start in the middle where it? Actually, no, no, I'll start the beginning. Oh, and by the way, this is written in pseudo Old English so good luck. To us, no doubt, because he had seen that breast of hers know that in itself had not done it. He he's talking about why he's angry. He had seen too many breasts for one to fire his blood just because it happened to be staring him in the face. And yet that single Moon wide globe of hers was different. It was barely a handful though quite perfect in shape without the slightest droop to it as was common with larger breasts. But it was the rose nipple that made it unique. So large for such a small shape. Sensitive weight. Yeah,
Margie:that it's sensitive.
Rachel:I don't know. She didn't touch it.
Margie:No. Did he Did he like make it cry? Pay? Don't tell it like your mother doesn't love dishonor on you. dishonor on your tip. Like, how does he know that it's sensitive.
Rachel:Oh, God. I he hasn't at this point touched it. It slipped out while she was escaping from the camp trying to escape from the camp. A she tries to escape. It doesn't work out. And so they had underway to this really asshole Lord guy and obviously, rain is pretty pissed off about it. Go figure. Yeah. So at this point, we've learned that obviously ran off as a bastard, like I said, in both ways, and he has a couple nights that he's with. And one in particular is Walter Walter is his. Oh, gosh. I don't think they're related. It wasn't entirely clear, but he's also a bastard but has actually been like acknowledged by his father and like is an heir to a little bit of land and stuff. And Walter is very sweet. He's kind of a cinnamon roll. Okay, you'd think Ranulf would learn something from him? He would not know. So Walter has an idea. Ran off once money for some land that he's been trying to buy for quite some time. Which Reina happens to have a lot of land ran off never actually agreed to bring Reina to this Lord guy. He just said he'd look into it and honestly the Lord guys kind of an asshole ran off needs someone that honestly will put him in his place which this lady is clearly doing. Like she is not afraid to SAS back to this man and you know, kind of call them on his bullshit. Reina has no choice in the matter. So hey, Randall should marry her. Makes sense? Right?
Margie:Wait, wait, hold on, hold on. She doesn't agree to marry him, right? Oh, she does. He's just like you're okay.
Rachel:So. So, Walter, why Walter sidles up to Reina and they get to chit chat and
Margie:she keeps. So she wait, she keeps rubbing up against the mic.
Rachel:That's okay. We are fully aware that Athena is actively participating in this episode. Yes. Okay. So so Walter sidles up to Reina as they're wandering along, and is like, hey, so a guy's an asshole. You know that right? And she's like, tell me about him. And he tells her and she's like, this is not helping. not helping at all, actually. Yeah, I know. He's pretty terrible, huh? So you got some people you're going to marry? Huh? Cool. Cool. How would you think about someone that has no ties to any other land a lot of money and would be able to protect you? And she's like, no ties. Any other land you say? would actually take like, give a shit about my people and the land. You say? Well, I don't have any other choice if you can convince him which is honestly going to be the harder thing to do out of these two people. Sure. Why not?
Margie:So she went from the dollar menu to the value meal.
Rachel:Ah yeah, pretty much honestly. Yes in the McDonald's that is medieval Europe. Yes. So it makes perfect logical sense and Walter decides to try to convince ran off and ran. I was like no, no, absolutely not. I don't want that much land. That's way too much responsibility to like handle I definitely don't want to be with her. Because she's like, terrible and a lady and I don't like lady she's seen. She's seven again, in our modern sensibilities terrible. But at this point in history, i She's still halfway through her life. She's literally having a midlife crisis.
Margie:Boy. I hate it Rachel. I just hate it. Just go on. Yeah,
Rachel:well, Reynolds like and besides, I don't want to marry a lady and Walters like okay, you're literally trying to buy yourself some land that you will Lord over. What are you going to do then? And he's like, Well, I don't know. I'll just marry a villager or something. And he's like, okay, cool. Are they gonna know how to actually run a household? Oh, well no. Yeah, she's at least been like raised to know how to do all that shit and he's like Fuck no, still not gonna do it and so Rana just comes over and is like, I see what it is you're too much of a coward to handle all the responsibility that all my wealth brings and walks away and he's like, No, we're doing it and that's how they get mad make
Margie:a make a split second decision based off of anger for the make a split second decision about the rest of your life based off of anger. That's always a really good idea.
Rachel:RJ you fail to consider that he's a man. So horse, she literally doesn't matter. You forgot about that horse. Yeah. Okay. So the reason that Walter was so like Jones and to get them hitched so quickly was because there's happens to be an abbey right there. So they had to do it okay decide to do it before they got to stop it to before they got to the Abbey. So that they could just like can they could just do it real quick and get it over with so they do they go to the Abbey and yeah, so they go to the abbey they write out a marriage contract. It comes out that Reina is actually really rich, like really rich like owns like three towns six castles and like like really nice. So she just keeps listing off all of her properties and like ran off and Walter their jaws just dropped farther and farther. But she's only rich and land she doesn't have a lot of money. Thankfully, Randall has a lot of money because you've been saving up for that land so that kind of like
Margie:a per a starstruck money couple good money couple.
Rachel:And she ends up writing out a contract that is actually very beneficial to ran off and he's immediately suspicious like what oh, yeah, why wouldn't Why would she do that? And then at the end that's when it really comes out that she so she lined up all this stuff that's really good for him at the end. She puts something that's just absolutely ridiculous. She does put in her contract that he's not allowed to beat her. So
Unknown:Oh, dog.
Rachel:Told you. Listen, is
Unknown:he upset about that?
Rachel:It is spelled out in the book that that is just a ridiculous thing to ask for from a woman.
Unknown:Ah,
Rachel:Margie just told you go on listeners. Margie and I were having a little bit of a a bad book off in that we were like, Oh, just the way
Margie:Rachel. I'm so sorry. But mine is still worse either. Just
Rachel:go honestly, believe you but let's let's roll keep rolling. So they get married. And that night? They have sex? Oh, sorry. Sorry. Um, I'm wrong. He has sex with her. Different. Oh, totally different. Right. She while drunk, right? Um, with absolutely no regard for the fact that she's a virgin. And he just pounds it right and falls asleep.
Unknown:And she's like, like, God, hey.
Rachel:Yeah. Hey, go. Sex number one. Oh,
Margie:my God. That's not sex. That is borderline,
Rachel:right? Yes. And she like he wakes up in the morning. He's like, did I dream that because he doesn't even remember because he was drunk.
Unknown:Oh my god. She's
Rachel:like, look at the bed you're on. He's like, Oh, My God did you kill Did I kill you? And she's still here? Still alive? Yeah,
Unknown:thanks a lot. Fuck you, right? So, same three,
Rachel:they go back to the castle and Raizy
Margie:feel any guilt for that at
Rachel:all? No, no he doesn't Okay, so they go back just keep going the castle. And Reina can he is over extremely surprised that she's actually like her body is actually pretty good looking so like her face is fine, whatever but her body is like kind of banging. So they go back to the castle Rana convinces Ranulf that they need to not let anyone know that they're actually married officially. Because she doesn't want anyone at the castle to think that she was coerced into the marriage on the off chance that they won't accept ran off as the Lord of the castle as well. Like, they want them to go to bed. Yeah, she wants them to believe that it was fully her choice. So that they'll be like, okay, yeah, well, if you chose it, then we'll accept it. Right? Sure. So and ran off
Unknown:agrees he's the man who is a monster
Rachel:ran and ran off agrees and she's like, don't worry. I'll do all the talking. We'll get married in like a couple days. Officially, quote unquote. And everyone seems to like ran off, which like, why, but
Unknown:why is she why?
Rachel:She basically tells them because they're all like, but he kidnapped you? And she's like, No, no, no, no, no. Basically, this guy paid them to kidnap me. But as soon as I explained to him that I had no idea who the man was, and that it was all totally like not a thing. They were out of the goodness of their heart turned around and immediately brought me back. And like plays them up as the heroes in this situation. Yeah. And they ended up getting married. And all the while ran off is like he's really grumpy leading up to this wedding. And like, kind of really out of
Margie:it because he has so much to be fucking grumpy about. Well,
Rachel:so he's sitting there. And he's, the problem is he's suspicious. Because he's like, why is she actually telling everyone what happened? Like making people like me? And why isn't she immediately trying to get out of this? And like, like, she has so many hours. She's so he's really suspicious about it. And then after they actually get married, and like during the party, he's like, wait, you really married me? And she's like, Yeah, believe it or not, I actually do think you you're probably going to be pretty good for my people. So
Margie:yeah, what a fucking low bar right?
Rachel:So he doesn't quite believe it. So he decides, ah, you know what, you're come here. We're gonna leave the party early so we can go have sex. Sorry, so he can have sex with her again, right?
Unknown:Right. Right. So second verse, same as the sheaf. Thankfully, they
Rachel:don't actually use that terminology. Thank God. Yeah. So let's take a quick sidebar into some backstories because there's not really a good organic way for me to put this in and Walter explains to Raina basically why ran off distrusts ladies. And the reason that he did distressed to them is because when he was young, he so he grew up with the blacksmith like villager, or whatever, because his mom was a villager, his dad, like, never acknowledged that he existed. But at one point, he was sent off to become a knight. But so while he was training to become a knight, trained by a complete asshole, I should mention. Yeah, he had an affair with a ward, like a woman who has a ward in the castle or whatever. And she ended up getting pregnant. And he's like, Okay, well, let's get married. And let's, you know, like, have this kid and she's like, right now I'm not into it. You're not you don't have money, and I don't really care how attractive you are. I want money. So she has the kid and gives it to a family. But she gives it to the poorest family in the like, village or whatever. And fully knowing full well that the kid was probably not going to survive because the family didn't want it. They had like 10 kids to feed and there was no it was okay by so he did not know that this happened. She because she did it without telling him and then by the time that he found out he went to go get the child and it had died. Okay, so he doesn't trust women because of her basically. That is the reasoning that is so one one woman Yes. One woman and also apparently like, you know, that trope and romance novels where he's too beautiful and it's just such a curse because everyone wants to own him that that's another reason okay. Yeah, so there there is our child death sidebar. So you know, I found with that hey, let's How do you feel about a montage? Montage?
Margie:I can't wait. Let's have I really Feeling one?
Rachel:Let's have a ran off in the castle montage. They go on a hunt. And Randolph has sex with her in the woods, which she gets obviously angry about. He's literally like, hey, there's some bushes. Let's go fuck. And he does. And it's about the same as the other two times. Third,
Margie:so she's cute. He's thought, okay, making it enjoyable for her. No, not
Rachel:in any way actually. Okay. Yep. He goes out in full armor when she stays in the village for too long helping people because he's afraid that she, something's happened to her. Okay, at one point
Margie:on in, if something did happen to her at this point, it might be a blessing.
Rachel:Well, so. So Margie, get ready. Okay, so at one point, though, he starts to realize, mainly because she goes off on him. And he's like, yeah, no, I'm not enjoying sex. Yeah, I keep getting so close to what you seem to be enjoying about sex, which I don't know what it is, because I've never had one before. And then you're done. And we don't do anything else. So and so yeah, it's like, oh, well, but like, I'm actually really attracted to her, which is weird to me. But I am not my normal Type Butcher. And I'm afraid that if I really touch her, I'm gonna break her because I'm like, a foot and a half taller than she is or something stupid like that.
Margie:So he already pretty much has like, the night she lost her virginity that he was like, how are you still alive?
Rachel:You know, you'd think but he barely remembers that night. So who's to say? So he's like, I need to talk to a professional about how I can pleasure a woman because I've never done that before. I've only cared about myself. You know what, maybe you should ask a woman. I'm gonna go talk to the village whore. That's a good idea. And you know what actually sounds like he
Unknown:talks about he actually he talks to a woman. It's the worst idea does
Rachel:and you know, it'd be a great idea going and seeing her in broad daylight. Oh, yes. Good idea. So he does. Yeah. And she gives some some great advice. Um, tiny problem.
Margie:Everyone sees him.
Rachel:Yeah. Including Reina actively walks in on him with his hand on her boob. So you know, it's fine. He doesn't actually
Margie:have it. He feel the need to put a hand on her booth.
Rachel:He doesn't actually have sex with her. But she's like, Okay, show me how you would touch her. And I'll tell you if it hurts me.
Unknown:This is what?
Rachel:Yeah, no, we're just gonna keep going. We're gonna keep rolling with it. And yeah, she obviously gets mad. Yeah, shit. And finally, like, it comes out that she's angry with him about like, she's like, I get it. You men have affairs. That's a thing that happens which at the time period, it was. Right. She's like, it's fine. It happens, but like, broad daylight, like, and I walked in on it, like, and he's like, no, no, no, it's a misunderstanding. She was just showing me how to touch you so that I wouldn't hurt you. And you need to believe me? Because? Reason and yeah, and she does. Um, but
Margie:Josie magically know of all about the wonders of a woman's body now,
Rachel:but don't worry, because then they have sex and she does get off. So all is forgiving.
Margie:Because now he knows after 45 minutes of speaking to one woman about
Rachel:Yes. He knows that all woman's body acts. Exactly. Yeah. Uh huh.
Margie:Still probably better than the American sex education system.
Rachel:Wait, but that is what my sex education system was. I went and talk to the village prostitute. Is that not what your school did? Good was really good. Good. So okay, back into the montage. He gets mad at you for attending Reina during her bath because he's a man. This is that's the gay one.
Margie:Yeah, yeah. And he also brushed up against your dick. So well, how dare you think honest? Yeah.
Rachel:Walter and a few other nights are traveling. So there's a little bit of a side plot with another like castle in the area. That's that's controlled by a woman who became a widow recently, and they need her to marry again. So there's someone controlling the castle. So Walter and women can't do it on their own. They absolutely can't. So Walter and a few other knights are traveling and they end up getting attacked. And Walter actually gets pretty badly hurt. But Raina is able to heal him and like take care of him and he is sort of on his way to recovery. Ran off on the other like when that happens, though, is not pleased. So they think that it was bandits. So he goes and captures the bandits, and they're like, Oh no, dude, I get why you think This, but it wasn't actually us. It was the lady that you're trying to marry off because she's in love with someone else. And she doesn't want to marry have to marry one of your nights, because that's what you were going to do. And he's like, Okay, I will consider your proposal, but I need proof. So he goes and talks to the lady and it turns out it's true. So, yeah, this is again, this is the montage of Ranulf in the castle, so his solution to it is okay, well, we're gonna lock her in her castle and then force her to marry one of my knights and it's fine. And that's what happens. It's good. Don't worry. So worried and then rape. It's fine. Oh my gosh, she was he wasn't in love with her.
Margie:Oh, so then it's okay. It's fine. Cuz then she's, she's open. Good. Yeah.
Rachel:And they, I believe the actual quote in the book. She is some chicken nuggets. The actual quote in the book is that she was dragged to her marriage bed kicking and screaming, but afterwards, she was okay with it. So whatever the night said or did to her, she was fine with
Unknown:it. She didn't have any choice. She was gonna be fine with it. Or
Rachel:if you're keeping couloir keeping count listeners are on two women that have been raped so far. Okay, so and they have actual sex where like both of them enjoy it many times. So there's the end of that montage. It's good and a scene for we have seen for and then a literal in book montage. So not just one that I've put together one that actually happens in the book. Same for so we mentioned that Randolph has daddy issues. Yes. Well, at this point, Randolph and Reina are actually like starting to get 10 DS for each other. They're getting their their dollar menu chicken 10 DS for each other.
Margie:Do they have sweet and sour honey mustard? Honey mouth honey mustard. Okay, little spice in there. Bison. They're
Rachel:100% One it's one sauce. So.
Margie:So that elusive session once Yeah,
Rachel:so rain is hanging out in the common area, whatever. And someone a giant walks in and she's like, wait, but dope, but ran off upstairs. This man looks exactly like ran off. It's ran off dad. So ran. Oh, dad didn't know that ran off was here. And she's like, Oh, are you here to see ran off? And he's like, wait, is he here? Oh, is he a night for yours? Like no, no, he's my husband. Oh, oh, shit. So she gets ran off to come down. He's not pleased about it. In fact us. Well, I
Margie:mean, like, he's not happy about anything. He's not like literally he pulls out of her vagina and he's like, I'm pissed again.
Rachel:But at this point, he decides that he's going to spank her for doing what she does. So keep that in mind
Margie:that there was a clause in their marriage contract. There was just go on.
Rachel:So be beating it spanking isn't beating Margie. Remember, I'm so rouse pissy about it, and ran us like, Raina basically sits both of them down and is like, Alright, look, you stop being a little bitch about it. You fully explain it and provide the evidence that I know you have and you are going to fucking listen to him. Deal with it and leaves. And basically what happened is that ran off dad actually had no idea that he existed because his ran off grandfather was keeping it from him. So there was this whole miscommunication about the existence of ran off. Which led to them being estranged and ran off dad is actually like, really proud of ran off and has been trying to get in contact with him forever. And like, oh, yeah, so
Margie:only good, wholesome thing to happen in this whole book. 100 of like, the bad day 100%
Rachel:True. And so they do they make up and now their father son again. Yay. He's still gonna spank her though. Um, so? Yeah.
Unknown:So Yeah.
Rachel:Bad news. Oh, I totally forgot to mention something I'm sorry. Back when ran off was talking with the outlaws about why Walter got attacked and stuff. He learned that the person that actually like has been like, they're all outlaws because they've been kicked out of another like a neighboring town, which happens to be a neighboring town that is run by one of the guys that that Raina was going to try to marry. Well, turns out that guy is a major douche canoe and actually that guy who would have thought, shock right and he just I
Margie:am just floored
Rachel:he just happened to be out and about with his army on the day that rain his castle got attacked that first day that scene that we opened with Yeah, weird, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally weird. Strange. So He that asshole shows up. And oh, coincidence of all coincidences, he and Ranulf are brothers, half brothers, but brothers.
Unknown:Oh,
Rachel:and it turns out that rails dad actually likes ran off a lot more than he likes his other son who might not actually be his son. But the lady claimed that it was.
Margie:Okay, so yeah, so Margie, it's fine. But hey,
Rachel:we have a little bit of character growth because when ran off looks at Raina past that she didn't tell him about this. Because obviously she would have known he actually believes her when she says that he she had no idea so character growth, I guess, progress? Um, yeah,
Margie:gosh, you can't Can you can grow from that deep in the ground like,
Rachel:I mean, you can but it doesn't mean you're going to actually like make any progress.
Margie:You're not gonna sprout to the surface right? As a decent human being.
Rachel:So So basically, Raina has a massive justice Boehner and tells finds out like what he's this dude's been doing. The asshole had done and she's like, Yeah, it's you know, and it's so funny. If you had just been able to come a little bit earlier, I could have told you that I wanted to marry you. But we got attacked that day. And I have no idea by WHO and ran off just happened to show up and that's how I got married to him and stuff. And he's like, yeah, so asshole basically gets what's coming to him. And I and then there's a prologue or not prologue, I wrote prologue epilogue, epilogue. Thank you. That is a literal invoke montage. So we're getting towards the end of the book. No, it doesn't have a satisfying conclusion. Nothing happened. Didn't so Hey, but the in the in the epilogue montage, they tell each other that they love each other when ran off is about to go off and wildly warstm.
Margie:Why? Well, does he like her boobs that did he look at her boobs when he told her that he loved her?
Rachel:Probably. Yeah, yeah, they actually it's, and this is the worst part. The actual like scenario of them telling each other that they love each other is actually kind of funny and cute. Which is awful. Because he's about to go off and do manly more things and rain is worried about him. And she's like, well, please, like, don't go and he's like, I kind of have to like I signed a contract. She's like, Well, fine. Sure. Just go off. But no, it doesn't matter that I love you. And he's like, what? You love me? Hey, I love you. It's like, it's actually kind of cute, which is terrible.
Margie:But yeah, it would be cute. It would be cute. If it was actually a decent couple. Well,
Rachel:it would be um, but actually before they tell each other that they love each other. Reina finds out she's pregnant and she's afraid to tell him that she's pregnant because she's afraid that he won't have sex with her anymore because he's fulfilled his manly duties of giving her a child so you know, that's good. Then they say they love each other. And then you know that bitch the had the kid that killed it. Yeah, her so she let it die, let it die. She shows up with her husband who is just a toad of a man and his ribs she's made some other good life choices and 100% and she is completely rebuffed by Ranulf which is satisfying I have to actually say but it also ends up in her getting beaten and raped so not great.
Unknown:There's so much rape in this third
Rachel:rape of the book ah listeners rape is this point there's nothing I can do about it. So, ran off tells Raina that after this happens he goes to bed with Reina ran off tells Reina that he knows that she's pregnant. He's known for quite a while but was waiting for her to tell him because you know women do crazy things when they're pregnant women and they have sex much to Ranas delight it like he still wants to have sex with her. Reina has the baby ran off promised to be there but wasn't but it's okay. He showed up like an hour after she actually had the kid. Randall throws a hissy fit about Theo holding his son because he doesn't want that kind of influence in his son's life. Oh, and Reina tells him off homophobia for me. And Reina tells him off for it is like bitch, no. So that's at least good. There's more sex. And the book ends when she tells him that she thinks he has a magnificent body and he's like, Wait, really? I didn't know that and a book.
Margie:I mean, I can't even stress how much I hate that. I hate it. It makes me feel a little bad for Fabio. But like
Rachel:now, I would like to emphasize emphasize this is not a book that was written by Fabio that said If you told me it was based on the other Fabio books I have read, I would not have been surprised.
Margie:I think this one's worse though, I would argue that this is worse than some of the other problems. There
Rachel:is certainly a lot more rape.
Margie:There's a lot of rain. Yes, there's there is just striking amount of right. And
Rachel:just an untenable, right untenable amount of rape. Yeah. The end. That's it.
Margie:I mean, you could probably say that it's historically accurate. That was all the rape
Rachel:that was see. And that was, and this is something I would like to stress to our listeners is, I actually did kind of struggle with that. Because while I was reading it, I was like, This is ridiculous. And that I was like, okay. But if we look at it from an actual as much as it kills me, if we look at it from an actual historical perspective, it's actually probably better than it would have been. That said, it shouldn't be marketed as Romance.
Margie:Romance. Yes. Well, that's also like, if, if you're, it's romance, therefore, it's fiction, therefore, you could have certain liberties to make the world as you would like it to be, as opposed to how it was, which I'm going to use the example of bridgerton the new Netflix series does a really good job of that.
Unknown:So like, Yeah, you don't have to put in rape. You don't need to.
Rachel:And it's, it's not so even if if we want to play in any way devil's advocate of shit, like that happened in that time period, I get that fine. It happens. The problem, the thing that I think makes it a I mean, obviously, it's already a problem. But the thing that makes it a like problem in a romance novel is it is written in such a way that you are supposed to feel like it was justified.
Margie:Right, and it's romanticized. Yeah.
Rachel:Well, so I think that this is one book, one in a series and I think that like, the lady that like has to marry one of his knights, I think that whatever happened among them to make her okay with it is part of another book. But it's not the rape itself. At least for the side characters. The rape is not romanticized. It is. Either it is she deserved it. It is Oh, but she's an evil person. So she deserved to be raped by her husband, or Oh, but she tried to kill this man. So because like she was being forced to do something. So Oh, and we're not going to mention that she felt bad about it and immediately tried to take back the order and like, it didn't happen. That doesn't matter. But so it's okay that she was dragged kicking and screaming to a marriage. She didn't want to go do like that. It's like, you should feel good about this. It should be feels like justification to you and it No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not how that works. Yeah. So I guess the real question is, I definitely don't feel comfortable writing this month. Because not only was it not good, but like it also was Ooh, real hanky. And we have just like, zeros.
Margie:So did you like any other characters? Did you like her at all?
Rachel:She was actually okay. I will admit like her and Walter. I liked Walter a lot. Walter was really sweet. He ended up there's a side plot where he ends up getting married. Honestly, Thea was great. Loved the fabulous little Middle Ages gay boy. But okay, so he is absolutely zero. Like, there is character growth, which might even put him at a point five, maybe, but there's not a lot of growth. She was a little bit feisty, I appreciated her, like, understanding that she being willing to take on the responsibilities that she had to take on as a person, her stature, like statute, I get that, but not laying down and just letting it happen. Right. Right. And I did appreciate that. So I would put her at like a one one and a half. Again, none of this is good. Right, right. plot wise. Still trying to find it. Uh, I think it was one of those books that I will say I didn't do as good of a job explaining there was a lot of through lines. So like, for instance, the the bandits were mentioned a while back in the book so it made sense when they popped up again and like so it was it was the story itself was woven together rather solidly I think that the pull quote unquote, plot was supposed to be their relationship, but in order for that to happen, they would have had to have a relationship you know, so like a one on that one. Smite, not touching it. And overall book it's a one it was not good. Okay. It was in no good. We will discourage you.
Margie:What have you been reading? When you work, or we're reading this book, or watching or enjoy,
Rachel:let's do consuming, because I admit I haven't, like, read anything that hasn't been a romance novel in a minute. But which I find myself I go in like phases of like I consume every book I have in sight versus like, I only read the books for the podcast, like I kind of go back and forth with that. But I've actually been getting really into d&d lately. Like I have like three games going right now. And I have been working on so listeners I like to draw, it's a hobby of mine. And I've been working on my character design stuff, because it's something I really like doing. So I've actually been consuming a lot of Skillshare classes. And this is not sponsored by Skillshare. But there's a lot of really wish I know, right? But there's a lot of really good artists on Skillshare and I've been trying to pick up some skills for that. So that's kind of in my good girl. Yeah, that's been my my free time has been self improvement.
Unknown:Good for you. Yeah, it's
Rachel:feel pretty good. I never asked you what you were consuming. Last time. I realized that when I listened to the episode, so what were you consuming?
Margie:Midnight intro novel. Ah,
Rachel:so So you went with something nice and upbeat to help you with the book that you read?
Margie:Right, exactly. And with you know, capital insert insurrection in the inauguration. Great.
Rachel:You know what you needed that? Yeah,
Margie:I did. I did. I didn't even get rice. I'm not finished with it yet. And I got it out of the library. So I have to get it back from the library because I'm not going to buy it. No, and I only got like it said like at the beginning of it was like it's gonna take 14 hours to read this. And I was like, Oh,
Rachel:boy. Oh, boy. This is a quest. Oh, boy. Yeah, it's
Margie:a journey. Oh, god, it's a journey. Well,
Rachel:yeah, so I think that's about it. Boy, that was something huh. I think this book might have had the most rape of any book that we've read.
Margie:It had a lot of rain. Oh, and I'm had a
Rachel:lot of rain. I'm looking at the description and I want you to remember that the scription says, But brave knight desires much more than a marriage of convenience from his proud headstrong lady who treats them with scorn let's see she must come to Him of her own free will that
Margie:didn't happen happen but
Rachel:didn't take Oh.
Margie:Which was just like yeah, my dick is hard yet pretty take care of this
Rachel:trade. Mm hmm. I feel like I need to cleanse after that. And I'm not going to get in.
Margie:No, you're not great. All right.
Rachel:Well, hey, listeners. Thank you for coming on this ride. Thank you, Eleanor. You for the use of your song. Oh, love off the album be held. And I think that's it. Do you have anything else it? No. Hey, God, we love y'all. Thank you so much for listening. And by the time this has come out, we've already done our first live stream with our patrons. So hopefully that went well. Yay. Well, yep. Alright. Alright. Bye, everybody.