Textual Tension

Ep 1: 20,000 Problems Under the Sea

• Textual Tension • Season 1 • Episode 1

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We are a bi-monthly podcast that summarizes, reviews, and pokes fun at the world of romance novels. Every other week one of your co-hosts Rachel or Margie will summarize a romance novel.  The other co-host will listen in on the story for the first time along with our listeners. Together we will dive headfirst into these interesting works of fiction. It’s sure to be a blast so please come join us on our wild adventures into Atlantis, steampunk, the Scottish highlands and many many other…steamy places.

This week we will be heading down to a city very near the Florida coast apparently...Atlantis. Listen as Margie summarizes the book The Nymph King by Gena Showalter for Rachel and listen to 20,000 problems under the sea. 

Rachel:

Warning. The following podcast contains adult themes, including but not limited to, adult language, adult dragon Animorphs problematic encounters with potential love interests, steampunk vampires, potentially unhealthy relationships, Goblin kings and hosts that read way too far into silly romance novels. The opinions expressed in this podcast are entirely those of the hosts listener discretion is advised. Oh, tearing me apart tearing me apart. Hello, and welcome to textual tension, a love hate relationship with romance novels. I am your co host, Rachel,

Margie:

and I am your co host, Margie. Every other week, one of us is going to read a romance novel and the other person is going to listen to the plight and we are going to discuss it and review it the person who has not read the romance novel knows nothing about it and not even the title, even the title. So, you know, there's a lot going on in the world of romance novels, guys. And we are the brave souls who are going to venture into this territory. Romance

Rachel:

Novels are not just for middle aged, you know, single moms in the grocery store. Or even in the airport. Yeah, no, there's we love romance novels, novels guys. ganda, we think it's kind of sad that they kind of have a bad rap, but kind of

Margie:

justified. That's because there's a lot of bad stuff out there, Rachel. So we're gonna sift through the bad and the good. And hopefully find some good ones out there too. But a lot of them are just plain ridiculous. They're so there's so bad. So to get started, I am the one Margy, who read a romance novel this week. And Rachel is going to be the one listening.

Rachel:

So normally guys, we like I would have no absolutely no idea what was going on. This time around. I know the title. But that's it. And I'm so excited. I'm so excited. It's been really, really, really hard not to actually, like, tell each other what these are about, right? Because they're so ridiculous. And some of the ones we've done have just been so buckwild that all I want to do is be like, Oh my god, Margie. So I've been really looking forward to this all week.

Margie:

Well, this one kind of has, like, I linked to our college days too. And that's like a good segue. Yes. Yes. Oh, no story. There's backstory. Yes. Great. Okay. Yes. Okay. So I'm going to tell you the story of how I found this book and it is hilarious. Hilarious. So it goes back to our colleges. Yes. Oh, that goes back to my college days. So we have a mutual friend Becca, who loves the movie labyrinth. As much as I do love labyrinth. Yes, it's such as much as we do. But like the valley, but not Pan's Labyrinth like Rachel says and

Rachel:

David Bowie labyrinth. Giant codpieces really tight swear the right hand sparkles

Margie:

glitter everywhere. Glitter. That's so go. Our other mutual friend Janelle knows that Becca loves labyrinth and bought back a romance novel titled The Goblin King. Okay, because that is who David Bowie's character is in the movie labyrinth. Right? So anyways, since then, Becca has collected romance novels with that title The EX king so like, Oh, I didn't know that. Yes, yes. So like the Goblin King, the Highlander King the whatever King Lion King? I don't know.

Rachel:

I didn't know there were so many. There's so many. Apparently

Margie:

there's so many.

Rachel:

Such. When Marty first like told me about this idea for a pod. I'm like, How can there be that much? Oh my god, guys, there's so much to unpack okay. So much.

Margie:

Okay, so one day I'm in Becca's car and I find a romance novel titled ready for it? This is the title this is what the one we're doing this week. So ready? The nymph kings Christ Oh, boy. Oh boy. Okay, so I had I read the back and I saw that the main character was from Cincinnati home girl. Where are you at? Oh, wait, I know where you're at now. So when I came up with the idea of so when we hatched the idea for this podcast, I knew I wanted this to be one of the first episodes and my god it did not disappoint. Let me just tell you so um, before I haven't read the description because that's what's next. I need you to do me a favor Rachel. Yes, I need to do to hold on to your suspension of disbelief for dear life. Just like a life raft. See, USS nightmare man, you who wants you to that to that suspension of disbelief Okay, God,

Rachel:

okay. Okay, but wait, wait. Before we start real quick, I want to. So we want to make sure we're looking out for you guys. Soon, we realized that there's going to be some, some some more mature topics that we're going to talk about each of these novels. Yeah. So before we start, we want to give the person that read the book, I want them to give a little bit of a disclaimer of very specific topics we're going to be talking about that way, you know, you kind of know what you're getting into with the episode and nothing kind of comes out of left field.

Margie:

And also like, if if you decide like, hey, this book actually is for me, I am going to give you like, I may not go into it. But there are other themes in the book that may be problematic that I don't talk about in the podcast, so I'm going to tell you guys about that. I'm gonna lay it down. There is like Stockholm Syndrome esque. Unfortunately, um, thankfully, no sexual assault. There is some homophobia thrown in there. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Rachel:

So a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome. Little bit of homophobia.

Margie:

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So it's, you know, this is yeah, I'm not gonna get into here

Rachel:

on textual tension. We like the word problematic. So when we get to something that is maybe a little bit heavy, maybe could come across, and I'm not gonna say offend people, but maybe like, trigger trigger trigger hit a little too close to home, right. We'll probably use that word.

Margie:

Yeah. And we'll let you know. Like, we're not gonna you know, we went this is an enjoyable comedy podcast. That's right. We're here for fun. So, we're gonna do our best is you be sensitive.

Rachel:

But you also I mean, some of these books are really

Margie:

bad. Yeah. And they're not and the problem is, guys, is that the books aren't aren't considerate. So we're trying to be considerate, but the books are a lot of them are not so we, I don't want to apologize in advance, but like also,

Rachel:

right, we're just kind of aware. Yeah, wherever, wherever. So we're doing our best here.

Margie:

So yeah, so those are really the only things that I could think of off the top of my head if I think of anything else. Trigger red trigger warning. All right.

Rachel:

Future Rachel cutting in here to say we fucked up guys. There's a lot of sexual assault in this one. So this is your warning. Take it away past Rachel and Margie.

Margie:

So but I'm gonna have you read the cover. Oh, yes. Yes. So here's the cover. It is all my phone guys.

Rachel:

All right. Um, oh. Okay, so I'm gonna this is gonna be in our show notes. I'm gonna go ahead and describe this to you. So everything sort of is underneath the filter that makes it look like it's underwater kind of

Margie:

like underwater in a pool? Yeah, very well not

Rachel:

very ocean II. It is just a dude from the waist up but like enough of the ways that you can see that little like, path to prosperity. Be at the bottom. I don't think he's wearing pants.

Margie:

No very pants for a lot of the book. I don't think

Rachel:

okay, cool. Um, yeah, so genius show alter whose name is almost bigger than the title Why is that a thing? I've noticed that that's a thing. And I also am not really sure what this font is. So sure, great. A a world of myth mayhem and love under the sea. Thanks to USA Today for that great great little caption that

Margie:

we got. Go ahead and scroll down because you got to read the description. Okay,

Rachel:

okay. Oh, Jesus Christ. Okay, ready? Enter a world of Dark seduction and powerful magic. Enter. Atlantis. Females young and old, beautiful and plain crave. valine. Valerian like a drug

Margie:

Viagra a little bit yeah.

Rachel:

None can resist his blatant sensuality and potent allure until he steals Shea hauling from a Florida beach and holds her prisoner is underwater. The cynical Shay wants nothing to do with the mighty warlord but she's inexplicably drawn to him for underneath the Warriors arrogant beauty lies a complex and powerful man a man whose caresses like fire now valerian valerian I've been doing Valeria okay must fight for the privilege of claiming her as his own because there's one thing she doesn't know All right, you can't say that you're gonna fight for the privilege of someone if you fucking kid that's not okay. Oh my god. All right, hang on guys. We're gonna do a fun little segment here called Rachel Google something.

Margie:

So it also I want it pointed out that the fact that she's drawn to him is not inexplicable. They explain why in the book. Like there's a specific reason why she's like attracted to him.

Rachel:

I fucking knew it. Okay, great. What Valarie Oh no alerian route I knew I'd heard this before is something that helps you sleep for anxiety oh my god, it's a natural remedy well quote unquote natural remedy for insomnia anxiety. I can't speak to the validity and weight, but I was so messed up. Okay, I knew it.

Margie:

Oh my god. Okay, so now we're gonna go into some reviews that I picked up off of. So I'm only gonna do like one or two. Okay, so Shannon said, this is a random book I picked up not based on the cover, that's for sure. And bought out of boredom. So I was pleasantly surprised by its humor sauciness and the great chemistry between many of the characters. I've always been wary of books that throw up the Atlantis thing. Is that a thing? I didn't know either, but I didn't mind at all here. It was fun and racy. Because this comes often comes up she didn't annoy me. I understood her so her stubbornness made sense and helped create some sizzling sexual tension. Valerian was adorable though I'm not looking too closely at some of the ideas behind me just they reminded me a bit of jade blacks Viking so I give it four stars for being an enjoyable spicy read and for not being as cheesy as the cover. Okay. So Kara said sorry, Gina show Walter. Stockholm Syndrome isn't sexy. This girl knows right into it. So these like yeah, the plot of the new king or any other genius show Walter book is essentially a porno Valaria the unbelievably sexy mimicking nymphs are basically sex addicts kidnapped Shay, a young cynical woman who wants nothing to do with love. He drags her to Atlantis and basically tells her that he will have sex with her no matter how much she says no, I'm assuming that in the context of a romance novel, this seems sexy, but in reality, I would have done whatever I could to get the hell away from him. And her defense, she fights her insane biological reaction to him and tries to escape a few times. But at the end, she always submits to him overall, give the king two stars I would have been given it one star before what it is a somebody romance novel, it does its job. And because I know that my best friend will most likely love it when I give it to her. So Carmen's comment is my favorite. This book spits on everything that feminism has been trying to accomplish for the last century. Man, okay, so I'm about to go into the plot of the nymph king. But before I do that, I just want to give you guys a definition on Wikipedia of what a nymph is. A nymph is a mythological spirit of nature imagined as a beautiful meeting made in inhabiting rivers woods or other locations. Hilarion is a pretty, pretty awesome, yeah, exactly. So I Yeah, so it's already kind of incorrect. But anyway, so our story begins. Introducing valerian, the king of the nymphs with his legs wrapped around insomnia. Right? The kicker the dems, with his legs wrapped around three naked asleep women in his bed,

Rachel:

okay. That's just impressive. How in the hell are his legs? 12. Is he just like, spider but with four legs? Like what the shit? Okay,

Margie:

okay, okay, so. So, we find out that Valerian and his army have taken over the dragon Castle, under the sea in Atlantis. Right? And, like, the aerial, no. It's for these poor women who were in his bed. They just accidentally entered through a portal from the surface world ended up in this castle, and now they're

Rachel:

okay. Yeah, you gave me this disclaimer. I am holding on my suspension of disbelief. Like a drowning woman in the middle of the Atlantic right now. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Margie:

Pretty soon you're gonna be sucked out into the toilet bowl of Atlantis.

Rachel:

So here's the problem I see for a second. Oh, man, these two women are so hot. I'm gonna bring them down into my world. These three women are so hot. I'm gonna bring them down into my world in Atlantis and totally have sex with them. Bring them down. Oh, no, they're drowning. Oh, no, they're dead. That's a problem. Again, again. The middle of the Atlantic let's let's soldier on right.

Margie:

Okay, so, so they, like found their way through his bed fine. On their way. Right. And he is just like, he is a sex addict. So there's no other way to put it. And he what he says about women is whatever they looked like he didn't care quite simply. He loved women. He loved his power over them and he wasn't ashamed of it. Once it repent. then oh no, he enjoyed relished savored. So basically nymphs in this book, give off a hormone that make women like, leap it. Like it doesn't matter how young girl they are. And I want to go into that. At one point in the book, they say it doesn't even matter what your sexuality is. Like they will jump like the women will jump after MIPS. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay, hold on. Just hold on. Hold on to that. liferafts here.

Rachel:

Like, like a woman falling out of an airplane holding a parachute? Yes.

Margie:

So but the other side of that is that so like, Valerian is king, right? He has his, his warriors. And in order to retain their strength, they have to have sex like all the time.

Rachel:

Convenient.

Margie:

Right. So yeah, so basically, like the nymphs need sex all the time, and the women are more than happy to give it to them. So the only time that they aren't sleeping around is when these nymphs find their like one true mate.

Rachel:

are the names exclusively male. And no,

Margie:

they are not they're not so that's the other problem is that the women have since they've taken this castle have mysteriously gone missing. They were supposed to meet them in the castle, and they never arrived. So valerian is already sent out. Yeah, he's already sent out like a whole, you know, group to go and search for them. But he hasn't found them yet. And so basically, and he's kind of being an asshole, because he's just had sex with three women. Meanwhile, his army is like sex depleted, because there's nobody for them to have sex with. No, no,

Rachel:

no, no, honey, honey. I love having sex with you all the time. I love the way it really hurts. We'll meet you there. See, we just got to we got to go pick up some milk. Got to go get some groceries. There's a lot of people to feed and honestly, we burn so many calories. And having sex all the time that we need food. So we'll be back. We'll meet you at the castle. You just go ahead.

Margie:

Bye bye boys have been store but the castle. Yeah, yes. So

Rachel:

good on them for getting out. Well, actually,

Margie:

that's not who it is. Sorry about that. Sorry to tell you that is Sue but I believe his men are like kind of pissed. It Valerians men are kind of pissed at him because they're like, hey, you've had all the sex. We've got none. We're getting weaker by the minute. Like in you just took three when? And he's like, You know what? Because, uh, right. I was kind of an asshole. Let's go to the above world. Let's go to the surface.

Rachel:

Let's go steal some ladies. Yeah,

Margie:

that's That's it. That's it. He's like, we're gonna go up. We're gonna steal some women and we're gonna bring them

Rachel:

back. Oh, man. This plot is starting out strong. So good. So good. So we cut

Margie:

to show Holly, who is at her. She's at a beach wedding. Her mother's beach wedding. I think her name is Tamara. Her mother. And it's her mom's six wedding. Wow. Yeah. So I want to know that she's mother put her daughter in a seashell bikini top and grass skirts as her bridesmaid. So like her mom's got some great tastes. Reverse aerial shit. Yeah, it really Oh, that's a good way of putting it. Yeah, real reverse

Rachel:

Little Mermaid. So

Margie:

this bitches as bitter as the black is cup of coffee. Awesome. I mean, I'm sorry. I mean, Shay. So she's just like, because it's, it's, it's justified. But also it's not because she's bitter because of her mom's decisions with her wedding, which I'm kind of

Rachel:

like, okay, no, it's my so okay. My parents are divorced and remarried, right? Of all the things to be bitter about. I don't think choices of the wedding would necessarily be it would be more like, woman get your shit together. Right?

Margie:

But she is pissed about that. But she also says in the book, like she's not that close to her mom. Okay, so it's kind of like, okay, and that's a whole family thing that we that. Right. And she's also like, better just because of men in general. You know what I mean? Like, sure. Well, I'm in the dating world. And I get it like, it's like, well, she's not well, listeners, you'll understand I'm hella single and going out with guys. It's just like, sometimes they just want to get you into bed sometimes. Like they don't call you back, but that's like, there's no like real trigger for her. Like she's just kind of like overall better and I'm like, I got kind of pissed at that. She literally says you're forgetting something mom. I'm the ice princess a better Slovakia the Grand Duchess a better Sonia and the Queen a better land.

Rachel:

Boy. That is some natural dialogue. Let

Margie:

me tell ya. Yeah, it really rolls off the tongue doesn't that yeah, organic. Wait till you hear valerian talk. Good God, so

Rachel:

just a bad thing. grunts and caveman noises.

Margie:

She Shay and her mom are having a fight like off to the side of the beach like which is what? Which is what you do on your own wedding day. Like, yeah, fine, whatever, everybody and so they're having this fight. They're kind of off on their own on the beach. But her mom kind of like goes dreamlike and is like dazed out and she's like Mom, Mom What? What's wrong? And so they're rising out of the water like primitive see Gods were six gloriously tall and muscled barbarians. The warriors were shirtless and all of them possess sidaway washboard abs skill so it resembled liquid gold poured over steel and faces any male supermodel what I've envied only better so much better. So like immediately when these guys arrived Shay is ready she's like she literally describes herself wanting to strip down there's way herself like an all you can eat buffet. Um, but she bites the feeling and stays away. I wish I could say the same about the other female I guess is the party at this wedding. Oh, no. Yeah. So but valerian looks at her and is immediately pissed. hasn't even talked to her like doesn't

Rachel:

name you fuck you.

Margie:

And then he tells her with his finger, like beckoning to come over, you know, like you would a child or a dog? Yeah, yeah, you know, as you do. She does let them even though she's like super, super aroused. She has the presence of mind to shake no. And she runs with her mom back into the party and tries to call 911 Like, there's these like, I don't know if it's like six or 12 warriors. It just came out of the sea with swords shirtless. Like let's run by boy. Exactly. Unfortunately, the sea Gods walk right into the 10 and they job

Rachel:

they're not fish people from the waist down door. Yeah.

Margie:

So valerian tells us man to gather all the women who don't have a boyfriend already, at least. I mean, like, like, remember, so in all the women are just ready. They are lining up, like, whatever this nympho drug is it? It's working. It's creepy. It is so creepy. So I wouldn't like the fact that this that stuff like that happens like the men are like you woman come and the woman women come like this was written by a woman for women. Get pissy and as they are gonna hold this book up and the feminist feminists are gonna be like, god damn it. So

Rachel:

Shana, what are you doing? So Shea

Margie:

asks valerian what they want with the women and his responses what any man wants from you, maybe your your body, you will belong to me now come, and he throws her over his shoulder, tells the men to grab the other women who they don't need to grab. They're just coming and they all walk into the ocean.

Rachel:

I would again like to pause for just a second. I do really appreciate this being turned on its head a little bit. Because instead of getting the like helpless woman who's like, you know, has the personality of cardboard. And then you know the big strong man you just get like a over simplified low like, like caveman style. You know, man or just like her man, one woman Well, woman me woman come with man. Like I kind of enjoy the oversimplification of the dude versus the oversimplification simplification of the chick. I do appreciate that, at least at this point. I don't think it's gonna last No,

Margie:

it's it's so like, I will say this about Shay. She does punch him in the face. Yes. And she does kick him in the balls. And he's like, why would you do that? Because like, he's already decided that she is his mate, which means they mate for life, which is like a billion years. Okay, so he like fine, sir. And he's like, Nope, that's it. I'm only I'm only fucking this. That's it.

Rachel:

He is.

Margie:

So they so they've walked into the ocean. This is the women, the warriors Shea and Shea over valerian shoulder and like, they're walking into the ocean and she's like, What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm your water. And he's like Valerians like Nope. As they literally go into like a toilet bowl world flushes straight into Atlantis. Be right back. I need to head to Atlantis real quick. And press the flesh. Yes. So valerian tells men to gather up the women once they get to Atlantis so that each man can pick which kidnapped woman he wants. And I want to know that like remember, Valerian said, or I may not have mentioned this, Valerian said before they went to the surface that the men get first pick of whatever woman that they find up there. So technically, Shay is fair, fair game, in this auction of women still holding on to that life

Rachel:

raft guide Like like like a dying woman in the desert holding on to a bottle of Dasani

Margie:

so at this point

Rachel:

good okay you know what really gets me going what? raping and pillaging Oh keep going. Jesus Christ

Margie:

Sue Oh and she's mom also wants to go Oh god no new husband like grabs her and carries her out of there so she doesn't go but she wants to go which is really creepy. So back to Atlanta so we're in Atlanta is Shay has denied telling Valarie in her name, and in response is asking again she responds with Up yours. He calls her up yours for a bit which is kind of funny. Yeah. Okay. All right. So um, Valerian tries to take shade was rude because he's like, I'm gonna fuck you now. He claims that it's so that she can look at the view outside the window but it's probably just for sex. And she gives him a hard pass on that and he's like fine we'll go join the other woman's the others that the women are like she doesn't call it I call it something very akin no like it's easy say I can't I can't remember.

Rachel:

Pause look that shit. I need to know. Okay, so what what do they call this human auction?

Margie:

I'll just give you there isn't a name actually for it but I'll give you the dialogue. Okay. We will not steal. So valerian says, We will not steal to valerian says to Shea. We will not steal a moment for ourselves. We will join the others. I can only hope your prudish nature will prevent my men from choosing you choosing me for what she bid out ignoring the prudish comment. She suspected the answer and she almost screamed when it came his brows arch and arched and his lips dipped downward for their bedmate Of course.

Rachel:

Holy organic dialogue. Jesus Christ. Oh, so I did just have a thought. Oh, and it's very important to me. Yes. I'm just imagining this dude. With his collection of ladies. Look at this bitch. Isn't she neat?

Margie:

Woolies found the word like this is like the trophy item this is like the Eric to is Ariel. Okay, okay. Yeah. So, he's like, found it and I feel like it didn't make this clear. The reason why he was pissed when he saw her is because he's like, Well now I can't fuck other woman Damn it. Yeah, like why Yeah.

Rachel:

Oh my face right now maybe that's the problem. Holy shit. Really?

Margie:

Yeah, he's like that we can't fuck other women because nobody's ever gonna be gay. Yeah, Jesus he looked at our any smelter and he was like, yep, this

Rachel:

chicken my husband down here and see what he thinks about marriage. Oh, no. Only one

Margie:

Yeah, well God God God. I feel sorry for Shay though because like, he needs so much sex this guy Valeria needs so much sex

Rachel:

he Chable I'm only hope. Yeah, he becomes immortal ish to so that at least like she does. Okay.

Margie:

Lady Oxo. Now valerian has to figure out how to keep his men from picking Shea because valerian promised him that he would give them first dibs so they choose Shea then he's in for a world of trouble because he can't let anyone else have her. So she also doesn't want to be back but she doesn't she doesn't want to be with valerian but he's her only defender right now in this underwater kingdom. Okay, and and he's kind of like she said no, already to Saxon his

Rachel:

defenders back drung word. Yeah, I

Margie:

know. But like the only person she knows. Alright, Stockholm Syndrome. Step two, probably we've already probably crossed step one. Because like she's forced to trust him right now. And he has she has he has like, been like woman sex and she's been like, no, and he's been like, alright, that's fine. Okay. All right. Like the old lead is the only light in this book. Let me so she doesn't want to be Peck. She doesn't want to be with anybody else. And he's like, alright, I'll make sure nobody else picks you if you tell me your name. And so the first warrior Broderick Broderick gets to pick as bedmate and he gets up to Shay and literally parts or grass skirt to look at like the promenade below yamming and Shea like immediately spits out her name. And so valerian tells Shea to kick Broderick and nuts. And she does

Rachel:

Frederick like there. Yeah,

Margie:

okay. Yeah, this is very weird. Yeah, he's so literally I think Shay is standing there in the line. But um, Valerian is standing behind her, basically put the hand on her shoulder. And it's like being very, very possessive. But like is also the guys are still kind of like, take a look at this one. See if I want this one. Okay, it's great. It's fine. It's fine. So fine guys know and sue for every man that tries to pick up Shea valerian tells her how to keep the man away from her. Okay, yeah, like whispers in her ear. They wouldn't care. So, so she's pretty much gone along with what he said until this guy named shirvan. tries to pick up a girl, and the girl doesn't want to go. And so Shea is like one of my, you need to stop this from happening. Valerian, you need to stop this. And he's like, What will you do? You know, what will you give me? Yeah, like the Shea aid. She's like, I'll be nice to you. If you stop that guy for breaking that girl. Thanks, Valaria. Thanks a lot. Okay. And he does he agrees to that. He tells Javan you can't take that girl if she doesn't want to be taken.