Textual Tension
The comedy podcast that unpacks the bananas world of romance novels! Tune in every other Tuesday as one co-host, either Margie or Rachel, recount a romance novel to the other unsuspecting co-host.
Whether you love romance, love comedy, or love both, join us on our truly bananas comedy adventure!
Textual Tension
Ep. 76: Space Maleficent
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What's this? A second sci-fi romance?! Your Co-Host Margie takes Rachel back into the final frontier as she tells her all about Grace Goodwin's The First Starfighter! Because what's a good sci-fi romance without a complete breakdown of the laws of physics?
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Hello, and welcome to textual tension. I am your co host, Rachel and every other week I pop on in here and give you guys a lowdown on what we're doing in our little world. And right off the bat. First and foremost, I have something important to tell you guys. We have a new patron. We do. It's super exciting. We have Sarah is our newest patron, you are wonderful. Thank you so much for supporting us. And, Sarah, you are a patron number 30, which is crazy. As a quick reminder to anyone that's maybe been thinking about supporting us or anything like that. When we get to 50 patrons, I will be running a d&d tabletop game of the Chuck Tingle, a role playing game, for Margie and some other people. So if you if that is something you would like to hear, and maybe see, I don't know if we'll stream it, who knows. But if that's something you are interested in, hey, maybe consider going over to patreon.com/textual tension and checking out all the cool stuff that you can get over on our Patreon, that would be super cool of you. And hey, if you're not in a spot right now, where you can support us in that way, that's totally fine. We would really appreciate it if you could pop on over to your favorite pod catcher and leave us a five star rating. That really, really helps us out or maybe tell a friend that also really really helps us. And, guys, the book this week, the topic was suggested by our Discord. So if you want to be part of the textual tension experience and be part of all of the inner workings of the podcast, maybe head on over to our Discord, or our instagram or twitter or our Facebook or any of the social media at textual tension pod across the board. There are links to our Discord and everything on our Instagram and on our website at textual tension pod.com. And we love to hear from you guys. We really really love it when you reach out with recommendations with all kinds of stuff. I have so many listener recommendations that I don't know if I'll ever get through them all but I try a promise a really try. So hit us up over there. We really love hearing from you guys. Oh, quick programming notes a little bit of something. For all of you patrons out there. This episode did not have any bloopers associated with it. So if you are a patron at any tier, you get access to bloopers for each episode. This one didn't really have any, it's a little bit of a shorter episode, it just kind of worked out that way. So instead, we're putting up something a little bit different that I hope you will also enjoy. It involves videos, it involves pets, and it's wonderful. So check that out. I think it's still fantastic. Um, and I think that that is just about all of the business that I have to talk about. So how about I give you guys some romance novel wisdom to get you into this this episode. Space is a lot like my love life. long stretches of emptiness, the occasional bright spot and rich white men just seem to think they can buy their way in. That one came courtesy of my husband. Well, hey guys, thank you so much for listening, and I hope that you really do enjoy episode 76 Space Maleficent.
Unknown:tearing me apart from
Margie:Hello, and welcome to textual tension, a love hate relationship with romance novels. I am your co host Margie, and I am your co host Rachel. Every other week one of us reads and summarizes a romance novel for the other unsuspecting co host this week. That co host is Rachel. And together we unpack what the fuck just happened.
Rachel:It's so nice to do that
Margie:together. Yeah, we're at Rachel's house. We're doing the damn thing. It's very exciting. I'm on my second cup of coffee. It's great. Yeah, we even like put up the whole tent the whole tent. Yeah. The only difference is that well, I'm on I feel like I'm on a throne and we're like my concubine who's just like chillin like lounging on her satay on the
Rachel:alternatively I'm the one that's on like a divan and you're the one that is catering to my ever Yes,
Margie:yes. I grapes in the mouth. Grapes in the mouth. Oh. Notice on our Instagram a couple of weeks ago less. It'll be a couple of weeks ago for you guys. Yeah, listen to this, but Rachel is an invalid and injured her back so she is laying down while recording. It's so comfortable. really cozy, it looks real COEs. It's my turn. It is we have I had a little bit of space two weeks ago or four weeks ago for you guys a month ago and but the discord decided but Margie, not enough space, more space, wanted more space. And let's see I want you to know I'm afraid of space I don't want to go to space at all. So why y'all keep sending me to space is beyond me hit up
Rachel:our Discord yet have the power to manipulate margin
Margie:to space
Rachel:do you remember a while ago we had like a series of books that just like one after the other worked with each other? Yes, it feels like that but it's you and space forever.
Margie:stuck up on Mars like Matt David again the
Rachel:total chip space forever space.
Margie:So listeners you sent me back to space. And Rachel. Here's the cover and then I will open Wow. Yeah.
Rachel:The first star fighter star fighter training academy game one Oh, it's not even book one. It's game one by Grace Goodwin who was a USA Today bestselling author which means nothing. All I can think of when I read the first Starfighter is the Last Unicorn yeah there is no in my head only ever 80s music that exactly says what's happening in the book. Okay, so the cover has this chick who is very attractive I must say she has like almost blue black hair like there's it's very blue like dark dark blue dark dark. And is like looking at the at the camera or the the reader with like some like, like sassy bedroom eyes and she's facing a dude that doesn't have a shirt on she has a shirt on but it's like coming down past her shoulders being taken off and there's no bra situation.
Margie:No. You don't need in the wise words of Carrie Fisher will really George Lucas. There people don't use bras in space. No,
Rachel:there's no gravity. Everything's perky all the time, right. He is shirtless and also looking at the camera although admittedly, his body is a lot more tan than his head so it doesn't look like a single human problem. Did you notice I did not but I can see it here. And they it looks like they are on a cockpit of a spaceship. Carlos do not step on that laptop. Thank you. I know he likes to walk across keyboards. And you can see out and there's a planet I'm assuming it's not earth but it might be and then there's a bunch of like copy and pasted want to be Thai fighters flying around there. Literally all four of those are the same shampoo. They didn't even change the angle of them. They
Margie:don't look like Thai fighters. No, they
Rachel:look very Star Trek to me want to be but yeah, but they still don't even look like wannabes. Yeah, but all four of them are copy and pasted the same ship right? It's very poorly done. Yeah, yeah. Oh, good lord. And I also like the really generic control panel behind them that just has a bunch of colored lights and
Margie:a knob Lisa frozen.
Rachel:At least it's not frozen. Oh god. Yeah.
Margie:And I would say that the author's name is about the same size. The title so now I'm going to pull up the description for you. Oh, wow. doing over there. Oh, you know,
Rachel:okay. Oh, this is a long boy. All right. star fighter training academy. It was just a game. The newest hottest video game release of the year. Choose a roll build the perfect hero who joins you on missions to save the Vegas star system from the evil queen Raya and her merciless Dark Fleet play for hours. Check. obsess over the in game romance between your avatar and the sexiest alien you've ever seen. Check when how many aliens Has
Margie:she ever seen
Rachel:you know that's a fair question. When beat the heck out of the game check and check open your door three in the morning to find that smoking pot. You thought you made up in your head standing there okay wake up on the other side of the galaxy with that same alien insisting your his and that you haven't been playing a video game but completed the training program to become the first star fighter from Earth. Holy shit. And I say it that way because it's spelled sh dollar sign. T Yeah and if you were using fucking Wingdings or whatever to to hide your curses your curse sins maybe your sins or sins maybe use the one that looks like the letter that you're right. Not that I think it's supposed to say should I send
Margie:I thought it was such shot
Rachel:Forgive me father.
Margie:Yeah Rachel first thoughts amo
Rachel:Queen Raya, you agree which fleet so Sailor Moon oh my god that that is a very good Queen barrel. It's only Legendary Silver
Margie:Crystal.
Rachel:That's it. This is this is a virtual shard This is space Sailor Moon which is impressive because Sailor Moon already involves space so
Margie:I thought I was calling it space or not space but horny Ender's Game
Rachel:you know I love it. Do we just come up with a name of the title right off the bat? Corny or Yeah, Jesus Christ. Yep. Okay, so take me on a journey allergy
Margie:triggers.
Rachel:Oh, yeah,
Margie:you got some triggers. We got kidnapping, right? I'm calling it kidnapping.
Rachel:It's not consensual.
Margie:It's consensual. It's just kind of like, I don't know this still consensual kidnapping. Yeah, it's just very weird. I don't know you can give me later. Stockholm Syndrome. Not great emotional stuff like codependency death. War. Good. Yeah. Good. All right. Yeah. Well, um, so Rachel, I have pretty much just given up describing how these characters look. So that's just my notes. It's part of
Rachel:yours. Check our Instagram for the cover. Yeah.
Margie:So we got Jamie. Jamie is a delivery driver, but her real passion is gaming. Sure. Oh, yeah. Sweet streamer. Yeah, specifically, she she currently loves a game called star fighter training academy.
Rachel:That is a terrible. Yeah. Video game name. Yeah, way on the nose. Right. Just call it star fighter some shit.
Margie:Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She's been playing it for. It's been over, like at least over two months cuz she's been on this last level for two months, and she's been trying to beat it. Okay. And that's the last level that's the winning level. That's when she quote unquote, graduate. Now she has two other friends that she plays with online named Mia and Lilly. And they are part of a great team on the game like they're kicking ass. Yeah. And like which Yes, Lady slay, slay the male dominated gaming world.
Rachel:What? Absolutely.
Margie:They're all really good friends best friends really. But they've never met in real life. They're all really introverted. I think one of them. One of them lives in Germany. I use Yeah, each of these girls so they're all playing this game. And each of these girls also has a quote unquote, copilot, quote, unquote, AI on the game.
Rachel:I'm gonna just go ahead, go on record, take a wild shot in the dark and say there's three books in this series. And it's one for each girl and their quote unquote, copilot
Margie:maybe? Yeah, so think Navi and Legend of Zelda. Except less annoying. That's good to say we're the JL noise Hall and hot as hell with it. So hot NaVi hot.
Rachel:You know you could Google search that right now. And you don't want to No,
Margie:no, I did. One of my first cosplays was Navi and I did look super cute. And I got but I did get hit on though. An excessive amount.
Rachel:Was every single one. Hey, listen.
Margie:A lot. A lot. Yeah, that was like 10 years ago. Oh my god. So tonight is the night that the girls believe that they are going to win the game. Like if specifically Jamie is going to win the game and I'll let the game explain what quote unquote win means. Welcome to the Starfighter training academy. You have volunteered to enter our training program. Should you succeed you will become the best of the best the elite among valerian. starfighters valerian is from Game of Thrones. They didn't really Yeah, complete your training and you will earn your place in history. You Starfighter will be called upon to defend the Galactic Alliance under the commander of General Eric Okay, Star Wars. Yeah, I know right? But the commander of General Eric spelled a Ryk.
Rachel:Making something fantasy by putting calm or apostrophes in Right
Margie:exactly. of Valerian, we need you now war rages in the Vegas star system prepare for battle. Your mission is to defeat Queen Raya before they reach the capital city. He should you fail, Valerian will fall and Earth will be next.
Rachel:You say Game of Thrones. I say throwback to Episode One of textual tension. Why? Because valerian
Margie:valerian Oh okay, yeah, this is spelled v e l e r IO N.
Rachel:O so it's it's science fiction.
Margie:Yeah. So what were my I'm like you just pulled that from Cal. Valerian. Okay, so Jamie Ann's got her. I'm calling him AI right now quote unquote, artificial intelligence. Jamie's is named Alexius. Although she just calls him Alex for short, which share each of the girls quote unquote, designed to these co pilots themselves. So they were given like specific criteria like What do you prefer in a personality? What body traits? Do
Rachel:you prefer my talk about how creepy that is? Yeah. Not like in a video game. Sure. Right. The fact that this turns out to be quote unquote, her real life? Yeah. creepy, right?
Margie:Well, it's like they the way that they describe it is that like when they create the characters they like I said, they're going for these. They say the personality traits that they want. And then it's like the match.com of like,
Rachel:yeah, wondering like, is this like a Walmart grocery store delivery thing where you pick what you want, just shows up? And it's like, oh, no, we just picked the best ones. Thank you. Yeah, it's a match what you want, right? Exactly. Great. Yep. Yep. Order my mixed up my Domino's Pizza have an AI please.
Margie:So it's Friday night and all the girls are excited to flash. And it's Friday night. The girls are excited to play but they're sad kind of too because it's like the bittersweet ending right? They really believe that tonight. Amy's going to graduate the simulation or the game and the dynamic and the game that they had will change because after Jamie and Lily will be first priority to win the game but like Jamie kind of it's not really clear but Jamie kind of has to start from the beginning or something like that. So okay and Jamie sad for another reason, because once the game is over, she's going to lose Alexius she's like, I really liked him. I don't want to like lose this character that I really like.
Rachel:A good game has a good end game just saying.
Margie:Yeah, so she's Oh, right. She and I wrote down as she's grow rather fond of her co pilot, or rather wants to bone him like I want to bow The Witcher
Rachel:fair Carol though. I wish that first game wasn't as terrible as it is sad.
Margie:I'm just thinking Henry Cavill No, i
Rachel:i There's really no game Witcher Yeah, TV show, which is fine. But video game Witcher is my OG. Anyway,
Margie:so please bear in mind, his character has about 100 Saved responses in the game. She likes him because he's hot. Which is fair, because it's just a game.
Rachel:Yeah, right. And also, now I've had my video game crushes. But there's also that like,
Margie:right, you know, it's not real. Now it's an exciting night as Jamie wins the game and all the girls are thrilled for Jamie. But who's the most thrilled Alexius and this is what he says when she wins. As stated in the training protocols. Our Starfighter pair has been victorious. We have now been assigned a permanent partnership. We've been paired through the Starfighter valerian training program. Do you accept my crest as a sign of our permanent bond? Will you stay with me starfighter? Will you remain at my side and fight with me to the end of our days? Me and Lily are like This is dope Ed big saying Jamie not wanting to lose Alexis the next time she plays and thinking it's just a game. Sure except, and the game and ends for all of them. After that they get a little blurb from the agenda from the general saying congrats. This has been recorded legally in the hall of records at the Citadel and which sounds real like a marriage to me. Like I document at your court document is now on our records.
Rachel:If I were playing the video game of like, okay, that's cute. Like it's like, right? Yeah, right. Sure.
Margie:But after that they log off after a great night and go to sleep until 3am. JB wakes up to banging on her door. She gets out of bed opens his door to find out Alexius in the flesh. All right. Yeah. And Jamie cannot believe what she's what she's seeing and hearing but Alex is like, You're the first Starfighter, you are mine. Queen Raya has mobilized the Dark Fleet. And we and together we must say, Valerian, and I
Rachel:would actually just be like, night and
Margie:she's like, he's like, Can I come in? And she's like, alright, dream, man. Why not? Come on, cuz she does not believe this is real. Okay. And Alexius as we get into his head now is thrilled from the moment that Jamie selected him in the game, believing that she had been creating her perfect co pilot. He had been obsessed with her. That's great babe. Yep, he had never seen her in person. He had only seen her avatar, which like, she could have looked completely different. What if on the other line, it actually been like a 50 year old man.
Rachel:Got catfished? I, I have to assume that. It's not like it. There has to have been like, these are your options for things to do in the game. He wouldn't have had her personality in any way. Unless there was like, our voice is
Margie:different. Yes. He can hear all of them.
Rachel:Yeah. So they have like a voice chat. Yes. But like, Okay, if that makes a little better, but she's not interacting with him. No,
Margie:he was just listening to what she was saying to her friends, which that's also very base peeping Tom. Yeah, yes, base peeping Tom. Exactly.
Rachel:Base everyone can see you space everyone
Margie:can hear you talk to your best friend. There is a joke there something that will noodle it and so now he's here at her apartment, asking her to join his fleet to stock Queen Raya. And Jamie is understandably very confused. So he comes into the apartment they discuss a the war which I've spelled the war
Rachel:is my husband dead.
Margie:Oh, how tragic and how they need her to fight MIT a bee that they are now a bonded pair.
Rachel:What like fucking cats?
Margie:Pretty much you can Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're all bonded together in the book. It's not described very well because I'm like, okay, is this like a soulmate situation? I don't understand it. Are you a bonded pair? Because you're like married at the Citadel kind of thing? Are you a bonded pair because of soulmate things? I didn't really get that. Yeah. So Jamie continues to not believe and Alex is like, Can you believe I do love query anyway. And Alex explains that the game wasn't just a game. It was a simulation of planet valerian to try and find more able starfighters in the universe. You see, one of the moon bases was destroyed by Queen Raya one years ago, and that mood bass had the majority of their starfighters which is bad planning.
Rachel:Yeah. Before a bad day. They had been
Margie:destroyed and that was people were desperately too poor starfighters JB is the first one to beat the game really a simulation in the universe. She is special snowflakes a special asteroid. Wow. She Jamie's having a super hard time comprehending this. Yeah. Alex eventually convinces her. He pulls her into his lap and is like I'm into I'm real. I'm here. Come with me to my planet saved my people. Let's do the damn.
Rachel:Does her family have questions?
Margie:No family. No family doesn't know her father. I think her father's either dead or she ever knew her. Her mother's an alcoholic. All right. Yeah. Never talks to her.
Rachel:It's funny how that always seems to be so tidy. Right?
Margie:So it helps. I don't know why what she actually believes that he's physically into her. But he also makes it clear it is her choice. Cumin cannot force her to go with him. Eventually, when Alex reassures Jamie that he will return her home if she doesn't want to stay. She accepts him. She agrees to go to Valerian and save the planet from Queen Raya in the Dark Fleet. Consent is important.
Rachel:Consent is so important. We want to talk about the misinformed consent with them like hey, it's definitely just a game to talk about that part. But in this particular instance, consent is so
Margie:important. Alex kisses her and then pulls out his sigil from his pocket and presses it into her neck. Quote, The sharp prick of the device would fill her body with nutrients designed designed to make her trip to valerian less stressful.
Rachel:It's only dreams great, you're gonna come with me
Margie:and it also gave her a dope matching tattoo a couple of
Rachel:his name, and it really great fun on her neck.
Margie:Now what's the sigil of Valeria? Alex carries Jamie out of the apartment and into her new life if I wasn't clear enough, he like like, slipped her. conscience
Rachel:does this extra like fucking glorifies chloroform?
Margie:Shamy wakes up in a strange bed in strange arms. completely disoriented. Yeah, Alex there. I'm just gonna call them Alex rather Alexius that's what she calls them. Trying Alex is they're trying to keep her comfortable trying to keep her calm. And Jamie is more than a little too complex. She's too comfortable. It's weird. It's like she's like just totally okay with everything. Like just she's she doesn't really question anything. She's not concerned. I'm just like, even if I trusted the person, I would still be like, a little nervous.
Rachel:A little like Smidge bit. Wait, what Wait,
Margie:this is all actually real. That wasn't a dream last night
Rachel:my face
Margie:right out. Alex also explains that she had an implant that she now has an implant in her brain translating the universe's language for languages for her and she's like cool, convenient to be unions. And he describes the space that they're in is their new home and she's like, that's when she's finally like whoa, little overwhelmed, too much too fast. And quote, his sight was deep his disappointment clear by the slate of his shoulders and downturned lips. No one that gorgeous should look so dejected. And I was the cause he'd been kind collecting my things thoughtful and quote, and I hate that so much. I hate it so much of your life. I don't care and like kind of guilt trip do to do it
Rachel:and also be a little more understanding.
Margie:I might be a little nervous a little uncomfy just to totally, totally. she apologizes because naturally Oh, because it's her fault. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, take a shower. You'll feel better. After the shower, they
Rachel:get that bitch some toast. It's just love toast.
Margie:After the shower. They have a talk about the space that she decided the Sims.
Rachel:This is your home you designed your Sims three a couple weeks ago.
Margie:He explains that the thing about the matching tattoos God
Rachel:The Sims is also a simulation
Margie:after the shower where she feels better per his request, okay.
Rachel:He asked me to so I did it.
Margie:They go and get some food and what I'm going to call the galley. Okay, show what so they eat. Jaime meets a few other starfighters who are thrilled to have her on board. They're like, wow, you're the first star fighter which I don't understand their fighter. She's not the first one. She's just the first one from Earth.
Rachel:She's the first star fighter just like America didn't exist until the Europeans founded oh she's a
Margie:special media. So that Alex is like hey, your ship the valor that's what it's called horse. It is ready. Do you want to do a test run?
Rachel:I would be scared out of my night. Before it they
Margie:before the test run though they're attacked. No. Oh, they make each other common control room. Oh, great. Yeah. Then they get into their ship now remember she's gonna say
Rachel:this one real fast from zero to fork real?
Margie:Oh yeah, it's pretty much like he's like she stares at the ship and he's like, Oh my God, she's so sexy. They start getting it on the side of the ship and then someone wolf whistles at them. He's like, Yeah, let me take you somewhere more private. And then they just in there, he's like, I'm not gonna like, stick my dick inside of her until I completely have her consent. But let's make each other calm. Sure. Yeah, why not? Yeah,
Rachel:the spaceship runs on just
Margie:now remember, she's already beaten the game slash simulation. So she knows what the fuck she's
Rachel:doing. Of course to control
Margie:the controls are the same to whatever whatever she was using the play at all apparently, so just imagining an Xbox controller
Rachel:for mouse and keyboard which makes me assume that the entire thing is run on Windows 95 And I don't know why I love that.
Margie:I love that. Can you imagine the horror that you would feel
Rachel:shame being attacked but I got to log into AOL
Margie:paperclip I just I imagine like they're like we thought that this was be what? What you want what you're
Rachel:this is this will latest and greatest
Margie:technology. Okay, so they're out there. They're having a great joy ride where she's doing great. They go faster than the speed of sound, which apparently Rachel told me this morning that you can speed of sound speed of light speed of sound? Yes. Sounds easy. They're going several times faster than the speed of sound
Rachel:ever heard a sonic boom? Yeah, that's going faster than the speed of sound
Margie:when they hear over the radio that another base is being attacked. And Rachel there are children there. Oh, no, they're being attacked by the Dark Fleet.
Rachel:You know, they're evil because they're attacking children.
Margie:Well, okay. I don't know. here tell me if I should get into this now or later. The thing about this book is that okay, you're also dragon this planet. I would question whether Who am I fighting for? I don't know anything about these people?
Rachel:What the fuck the boy yeah,
Margie:I don't know like the you call them the Dark Fleet. But are they actually like evil? Maybe.
Rachel:I mean, they're shaking children merging.
Margie:Okay, of course. Of course. Yeah. Right To make a long probably kick puppies.
Rachel:Oh, they deserve they deserve it.
Margie:To make it to make a long story short Alex and Jamie totally save the day particularly Jamie and but she kills 30 Dark Fleet fighters in the process. Oh, you know, casual murder. Just one murder not being Mote woken in the middle of the night by strange man and carried out of our apartment unconscious chill. We are totally fine. Now, like an X Wing for the first time is faster than sound fine. Murdering 30 people. Okay, this is where we finally get a human response.
Rachel:I do have a question. Yes. And it is mildly scientific related faster than the speed of sound. That's not that fast. In terms of things, especially in space. How far apart are these bases? Are they on other planets?
Margie:I think that that one wasn't on necessarily a planet. It was either on a very small moon or an asteroid or a large asteroid.
Rachel:Let's assume I'm assuming they're on a planet. Their base. Yeah. So let's say the moon in Earth terms is being attacked. And we have to send our
Margie:they may actually be on the moon of Valaria Okay,
Rachel:so is it on the same moon?
Margie:This no so that is not on the same moon as wherever the bass
Rachel:the day to get to our moon. Yeah. And it's not that far away. I don't think they'd make their that fast. Yeah, no, no, they wouldn't they just
Margie:not on Windows 95 They would
Rachel:sound really bad, but I feel like the author was like ospita sound that sounds fast. Yes.
Margie:Yes, this is where she starts to have like regrets and concerns and is overwhelmed is like shit. I didn't realize that this was gonna mean murdering people. Yeah, is it?
Rachel:Do you get like actual does she know the people that she's murdering? Like, can she see them? Or is it just like life? It's
Margie:like a number. Yeah, she's just like, she's like, how many people are on that ship headed towards that planet? And he says, well, it's 30 and she's like, he and there are 100 people on the planet that are on the planet mood. What is so and some of them were children. Oh,
Rachel:yeah. Oh, that's weather. Yeah,
Margie:that's why they're evil. But don't worry. Everyone congratulates her when she gets in so she immediately Yeah, she's fine. That's okay. And Alex comforts her so it's fine yeah. After her pity asked her to feel better so she does Yes. It was fine. So it was after her pity curing parties over Jamie meets General Eric. Okay. Yeah, wreck. Eric General Eric orders them to the medical bay for a quick checkup, post mission and then to his quarters for a debrief
Rachel:for a fuck Wait, though. Oh, yeah. Dang it. Yeah,
Margie:we're getting there. While in the medical bay where Jamie is rendered unconscious again like her will against her willing medical thing
Rachel:just really good. Does this really clarify?
Margie:What space chloroform you don't even get a chance to scream No. So we find out that JB is in fact even more of a special need to have been able to even fly her ship at that speed yet because her implant wasn't finished doing its thing to like up her reactions and responses
Rachel:again, in the grand scheme of things. MK one isn't that
Margie:it's more like her responses to like other ships like being able to think about multiple things at the same time kind of thing she has. She has really good ADHD
Rachel:Goddamn kids in their video games. corrupting the youth is
Margie:all right. But Jamie is a special media. So she was able to defeat the Dark Fleet on a first go anyway,
Rachel:right? Yeah, for her.
Margie:So Alex and Jamie go back to their quarters. Alex is like, Hey, I'm sorry. This was not the transition I was expecting for you. And she's like, it's fine. In fact, you're being too nice to me. Yeah, that emotional uncomfort is that? Yeah, she's putting a lot of pressure on herself.
Rachel:Just think she's really low self esteem. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Margie:She's a special media. She shouldn't.
Rachel:Oh, right. She has to be humble.
Margie:So then they have sex. Casual. Yay. Honestly, it's whatever. The next day and I think it's the next day not guaranteed. They go out on another mission. So how many days it's been Rachel to
Rachel:buy mission you mean date? Right? Their dates where they go kill people? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're taking their second date.
Margie:This time? They're sorry,
Rachel:fourth, there was the first coming and then the second sexing. So there's technically this date for right. Yeah, so
Margie:this time they're supposed to destroy a Dark Fleet Base. So I'm like, he's got weapons. There's other ships there. They're gonna dry it.
Rachel:Yeah. I don't know what like three years to get there. Probably. Yeah, yeah.
Margie:Yeah. I'm only when they all get there. It's empty. It's a trap. It's a trap. So drop. So the rest of Jamie and Alex's team are like okay, Jamie and Alex go ahead and destroy the space just you know,
Rachel:it's a thirst traps.
Margie:There, and we'll see you for happy hour back at the base. See, can you take care of this for us? Deuces. Also, not good. Planning.
Rachel:Can I? Yeah, go on record to say they're gonna be kidnapped somehow.
Margie:Not everything is what it seems. Rachel
Rachel:is it or is it it is not? Oh, wow. Not 1,000% No more space chloroform.
Margie:So hold on one but okay. Sorry. Again, doesn't seem like good planning. Like you know, backup. Yeah, we're gonna need a way to get in touch and they really did it. The friends just kind of left getting speII but after their teammates rave Alex and Jamie are like I got a bad feeling about this. Yeah. And boom, the Dark Fleet appears fucking shit Sherlock. Yeah, right. Yes. Yes. Rachel's gasp time. Now little known fact about Alex you know, like two truths and a lie kind of thing. He was a double agent before Jamie arrived. He had been spying on the Dark Fleet pretending to be a trader for valerian.
Rachel:Honestly, everybody communication is so important.
Margie:Now he's in a pickle, because he's like, this is a bad, bad situation. But if I play my cards, right,
Rachel:Alright, I'm gonna go into this out there and so he doesn't tell her about this. No, of course not.
Margie:So he calls to the Dark Fleet and is like, Yo, I got your DoorDash order of this first starfighter.
Rachel:Domino's. Did someone order a big sausage and mushroom pizza?
Margie:I did. But I don't have any money. Well, good. Thank
Rachel:you The first Starfighter smell like space for chloroform? Yeah,
Margie:no, I love I'm just gonna say it I in a book love a good betrayal. Yeah, I love a good betrayal. Especially between like love interest. I think it's just like it hurts ripping someone's heart. Yeah, like been sacrificed to the Goddess. This was not done well at all. Oh, bummer. knew what was going on and Alex's head so we knew he was going to do his damnedest to save Jamie this like so I'm like there's there's zero risk here. Yeah, the only annoying thing is that you didn't tell Jamie what you were doing this
Rachel:is like worse. Oh, what is it night chaser that the book with the little kitty cat and the chick who like meets the dude. Yeah, that workbook is actually fantastic. So this is bad. Yeah, this is worse than so we cut to
Margie:Alex with this too for a while so they're in the ship he calls into the Dark Fleet. And they're like sweet you have a star fighter and then Jamie's like how could you How dare you you've you've betrayed Valerian and he's like, I'm sorry, my bond mate and she's like, Don't fucking touch me. Ya know and all that time that He could have said something to her. He doesn't of course not. Now, why would you so we cut to Alexius with his two friends navan tracks and they are also pretending to be a traders to Valeria.
Rachel:Hey, are those the other two chicks?
Margie:I don't know probably probably and they're all planning how are they going to get Jamie out alive because the Queen Ray has already like like kidnapping what like kidnapped just just a touch she's described as Maleficent so I don't know what this looks like but imagine space Maleficent space Queen barrel space Queen barrel, so but that's how she's described it. So I'm gonna say Spaceballs. Sorry. Space, Angelina
Rachel:Jolie? Yes.
Margie:Jolie. Now Jamie is in a jail cell with lasers Sure. Yeah. You know it's space it's a you know space when you get burning laser. Yep. And is visited by space Maleficent and Alex Maleficent is like haha I'm gonna kill you until all your little friends back on valerian that you was traded, traded traded extra debt. But Jamie is a special media so she's not afraid. Of course. Now she tells Maleficent you have no one else to tell you about the simulation. You need me made fair. Yeah, fair face. Maleficent is like, okay, Word. Word Up. Me and your homie. I mean, your homie. You're gonna get some dinner and then I'm gonna torture you into telling me all the secrets about the simulation and then kill you. Great.
Rachel:Cool. Sounds like a chill night.
Margie:Remember? Which sounds like remember that seat at Austin Powers where it's like the one guard and the shark pit. And it's like wait, you have one guard to make sure he gets into the shark bit like she sets his her ex lover to come in and torture her when she already knows that this dude is a double agent. You should have thought this through a little bit space Maleficent
Rachel:space barrel What are you doing? Long story short can't tour you can't send tuxedo master torture Sailor Moon
Margie:Alright, long story short, Jamie and Alex and navan tracks all break out of the Deathstar. Great, but
Rachel:I love how much we're mixing our space metaphors. Also everything is just space, whatever, because that's how you know it's sci fi. Yeah.
Margie:But yes, there are nuclear bombs headed towards Valerian and earth one in each direction. And they can only choose one because Queen Raya is a petty bitch. They can only choose to save one planet. Hi, baby. ballistic missiles Rachel.
Rachel:Okay. Okay,
Margie:yeah, yeah, Rachel science corner.
Rachel:Let's
Margie:How are we doing on time?
Rachel:We're doing great. I'm just trying to organize kind of talk about how wrong so so Okay, a couple things. One, I'm still hung up on the speed of sound thing and I think the author actually meant speed of light. Close your cigar. Second, let's benefit of the doubt this. Okay, we've already established there's some sort of beam me up Scotty situation happening? Right? Because that's how he got to her house. So yeah,
Margie:well, we don't know. There's no like description of teleportation. Right. Well, like, we could maybe assume that maybe I am more like if I feel like we would have actually heard about it if they were using something like that. Yeah, a
Rachel:couple problems. Okay. One things move slowly in space. Yeah. Just right. They do. And since we've established that they can only really go to Mach one, right? That's not
Margie:I just know it's faster than the speed of sound. So I don't know if that's not what Mach that is
Rachel:Mach nine still relatively slow. Compared to the speeds you would need to get a fucking nuclear bomb to Earth from another star system, which bear in mind the closest other star system is what five light
Margie:years? Vega is really vague actually exists? Yeah. Incredibly far from us.
Rachel:Yeah. It's okay. Oh, no, they're sending a nuclear bomb to Earth. It's gonna take more than that. Yeah. So so that's the problem. Second problem, ballistic missiles. Okay, first of all, there are far scarier things out there. The nuclear explosions like
Margie:well, literally atomic nuclear. Are they the same thing? Because it's described as atomic? Yeah. And I thought it meant the same thing.
Rachel:Yes. Because there's H bomb and then there's like atomic bomb, which is like your nuclear. I think I'm not looking it up. But hey, if I speak with enough confidence, sure.
Margie:Both of them, you're splitting an atom? Yeah.
Rachel:It's fission versus fusion. Right. I believe. Again, don't quote me on that. But boom, boom, right. Again, there you have lasers, access to lasers, which move at the speed of light.
Margie:Okay. Yeah, a little too close to the Death Star for this author, I think
Rachel:probably, but Okay, so here's the problem. There are a lot but here's one. First of all, it's gonna take a fuckload of time to get there. Second of all, nuclear propulsion is literally one of the proposed ways for faster space travel. You just detonate nuclear bombs at the bottom of a giant rat thing that just eats itself off of it. So that's it. Three nuclear missiles. It's not going to survive reentry. Yeah. And for unless it does some damn good shielding which, okay. And for let's dig into the word ballistic, it involves gravity, it means it's not under its own propulsion, right? So it is guided by gravity. So you can shoot it up and then essentially think of it like launch something, the rockets turn off and it falls back to Earth. Okay, right. Right. So they launched it, you would have to maintain enough momentum to get from the Vegas star system all the way to Earth, there's still not assume there's nothing in the way, and then it would have to fold or right. Just no. Okay. And also, if you don't think that we haven't detonated nuclear bombs in our atmosphere before we have, sorry, it's documented. Cool. And that's what would happen with this. And sure, it's not right. But no, no sweetheart use lasers, you've already decided that those are cannon, space laser,
Margie:you have space lasers burn your skin. And
Rachel:something traveling at Mach one is not going to you know what, here real quick, let me go ahead. And for I feel like we need to have a little bit of a grounding comparison Mach one versus speed of light. Okay. So one, like light speed, like one unit of speed of light to speed of sound is 880,900 Mach 880,991.09.
Margie:So she just didn't look up her science that much. She wrote this book. No, she knows. That was such an easy Google searches. The thing literally popped her bite. Right? And
Rachel:sweet Jesus. Oh, my God. Let's see here. Oh, and if anyone is
Margie:it's from this year, it came out this year. It came out in 21 of the copyright is from 2021.
Rachel:God Oh, hang on.
Margie:Oh my god, that is bananas. Oh,
Rachel:okay. So here's something interesting. And I don't think this is what did they say now in the book? Did they say faster than the speed of sound? Or did they say
Margie:walking up right now? Let me try to find it. Okay, excuse me. They're having sex.
Rachel:Sorry. Let me close the door.
Margie:Lunch sheet launch sequence. Launch.
Rachel:Here's a fun speed of sound fact, though. That like makes sense. But for me anyway, I didn't get it until I like it was spelled out and was like, Whoa, is that when something's moving at the speed of sound? You can't hear it if you're in front of it. Or sorry if you're okay, so
Margie:let's see here. Are we faster than Mach one? That's her asking the question. I do not understand the term faster than sound. Are we faster than the speed of sound? He blinked at me as if confused much, much faster. And that's it. Okay. That's how I was right. Yeah,
Rachel:you are like no, bear in mind. So I actually did not know this. And it's actually something interesting that I just looked up. Mach one is a, not necessarily the speed of sound, okay. in Earth's atmosphere. It's the speed of sound in the medium that you're in. So they could be in a different medium, I guess. And much, much faster. You could have just said like, you know what, we're just speed of light. Yeah, hyperspace. hyperspace. That would be good. Yeah. So anyway, no, if you're, if something is going the speed of sound, and you're behind it, you can't hear it.
Margie:Just make a note though and say how invested we are in this plot that we just went off on a tangent at like, the critical moment of this book, and we just do not care.
Rachel:Yeah, no, no, it's just like, the science is so bad. It hurts me. Right it physically?
Margie:Well, and here's the thing is that even I know that this is bad science, like and I am not a science person listeners at all.
Rachel:It's, it's like if you're underwater, and you have like, like a dart gun or something that say shoots underwater, why not make those and you should just okay, I want to I'm on this side of this Olympic sized pool and I want to hit that grain of sand on the other side of this Olympic sized pool. I'm gonna shoot it hope for the best. Is it gonna make it there? Is it gonna hit it? Probably not. Well,
Margie:it doesn't matter anyway, because valerian manages to protect themselves and destroy the ipvm and Jamie and Alex save Earth from
Rachel:ipvm interplanetary ballistic missile. Mother fucker. Yeah, yeah, son of a god, god. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, really? Really?
Margie:Uh huh. Yeah, you know why? I
Rachel:think the discord wants you to keep reading space shit, like because they know how much it hurts me. You Yes. Mee Mee Mee
Margie:was getting dragged onto a ship that's not real and you know what at work
Rachel:you're on the space horse and you're dragging me behind it son of a bitch but you get so buddy
Margie:so that's you know they get back everybody's real real happy with them they have sex happily ever after. That's the end of it
Rachel:God Okay, I'm gonna revise my analogy this is like Michael Jordan on one trying to dunk grain of sand into a thimble. Yeah, there you go. Other and not dunk? Sorry. Not even free throw literally from the other side. He doesn't have any of the Looney Tunes. No, not only to stretch his arm like he could in the movie,
Margie:like does not have Bugs Bunny is such a thread the
Rachel:needle shot. If you think about it, missiles aren't that big. And in the grand scheme of things, neither is Earth.
Margie:Your stilts just on the train, you can not get over your spaceship.
Rachel:I have eat it off with all of the Monstars and I don't know it's not gonna work I think we need to have a serious conversation about how there is zero merit to being a base Trooper a super Trooper, if you will, other than being good at video games. Because when you're going real fast on a spaceship, your comparison shouldn't be Mach one. You should probably have a little bit more of a physics background. You know, in order to be qualified to shoot lasers that
Margie:Rachel she's a special media.
Rachel:Right she has special reflexes special games. Yeah.
Margie:Right. Simulation worked real well. All right. So why
Rachel:did they let her take the ship out before her implant was fully functioning?
Margie:She's special Alex with Alex, that's another thing I wanted to get. Get into. We're moving into review.
Rachel:Please take me out of my misery.
Margie:But Alex is with her with Alex. Right so here's the other thing is that it seems like these two Rs quote unquote a bonded pair.
Rachel:Oh, you know what? I didn't consider what? He probably asked her to not like kill them. So she didn't kill her. Both of them in the spaceship. He probably asked her to drive the spaceship. Good. So she did. Oh, yeah, nevermind, I consider that.
Margie:gain skills.
Rachel:Yeah, can you just do it right just
Margie:try doing it right this time. Shit. Oh my god. So I don't like tomatoes, homemade sandwiches, Jamie. If you consider doing a right so one thing I wanted to mention as we move into review territory is the idea of this bonded pair being together on the ships is a bad idea. It is because they will protect each other because they supposedly love each other more than anything before perhaps protecting their own people said three days this is a bad idea. It was three days I believe it was it was either three because I don't think there's even much time between like her going and you know getting kidnapped by the Dark Fleet. And she's only there for like 12 hours.
Rachel:Sorry to take into effect like millions of years it would have taken for the nuclear bomb to get to earth I forgot about that.
Margie:So this whole bonded pair thing the whole book really bothered me because I guess I also just didn't understand it. It was kind of like an on and off switch of suddenly he's obsessed with her and in love with her and I
Rachel:think really speaks to our different personalities that were so upset by this book for such different
Margie:reasons. I think it's a good thing. That's why we're co hosts right? Yeah, that was my biggest I think I have a couple of other notes. Do you mind if I look at
Rachel:Joe for that was your biggest problem. My biggest problem was the
Margie:No I actually don't Kayla,
Rachel:are you screaming as well? I think I can hear you from here we can i from time and space. I can feel it. We I mean we are traveling faster than block one. Yeah. So I forgot that grain of sand on the other side of the Olympic sized pool. It's also whinging around something else. So staying still Yeah.
Margie:So review wise, I thought I also thought that this book was just very generic. I was like,
Rachel:feels like hey, you know what's popular right now? Hey, you know what bitches like ice planet barbarians here let me do this let me do this.
Margie:It felt very much also like so because of that it was very generic. I know nothing about Jamie other than she has a sad, sad trauma past and she can do video games good. She can do video games. Good and she's a delivery driver. That's it. I think that she has some self esteem issues, but that's literally all I know about her. Alex I know even less I know that I know. Yeah, I know. He had a brother who died on that moon planet that Raya destroyed. I know that Oh, good. So he is motivated nothing about his past. Yeah, nothing but Marshy. His personality is controlling her is controlling her is being obsessed with her. And so valerian valerian star by and being a star fighter that's like,
Rachel:oh, that's why they're so good was based chloroform. Got it? Or valerian
Margie:so the first thing that they learned the valerian that star fighter Academy,
Rachel:star fighter Academy, Valerian space super Trooper Academy.
Margie:So that's the first thing is that you know, the plot was and then even Queen Raya, girl Queen barrel, also, space Maleficent I was like, she's not scary. She's just all also they shape. The kink shamed her. Yeah, she has a BDSM polyamory thing and they're like,
Rachel:oh, fuck you, Jamie. You know, it's
Margie:it's Alex. You Alex. Yeah, so they kink shame her. But again, I was saying at the beginning of the book I'm like, I am more distrusting the Jamie is which is a low bar. J Yes. Trust everything. And everyone except for Queen Raya.
Rachel:today. Sorry key finishers.
Margie:And politically I'm like, I don't know. Why should I trust what they're saying on valerian? I don't know these people. I only met them through a simulation video game and they could have fed me any information that they wanted to have not only propaganda. Exactly an
Rachel:interesting twist in the past. I want to know do they ever actually explain what the evil thing that Queen barrel is doing? Besides just attacking children?
Margie:She just wants to take over planet she wants to take over worlds. That's it. And she's just like a mean roller. She has space Maleficent we don't like her she was I will say this. I don't know the I don't know if it's like pure BDSM because they say because the way it's described is that she likes causing pain in the bedroom and I'm like, if that's consensual that's fine. Yeah, because it's not your fucking business. She's sleeping with multiple people. It's also none of your fucking business. Yes, your queen do whatever you want queen right? So character wise I'm gonna write one to five. Jamie and Alex they both if I have to give them a rating it's a one. Yeah, they don't really get anything
Rachel:this whole thing hurt me
Margie:you do when you bring drag us into space guys. In space? No one can hear Rachel scream about science. So let's see. What's the next one? Rachel? A lot.
Rachel:Sex.
Margie:Well, didn't don't I do platinum?
Rachel:I mean, or doesn't matter. And Calvin Ball it's goddamn podcast. Where do we make our own?
Margie:Gosh, just because it was so. So something Eric. It's so generic. I'm gonna call it to. Maybe
Rachel:that's fair. I just had the thought. Two thoughts one it feels like no thoughts had empty well, it had empty No, or sorry, head fold, but no thoughts. Yeah, it feels like that's ADHD. It feels like a space cheesy 80s action movie which is fun but dumb. And to I feels now slightly uncomfortable calling this episode horny Ender's Game because Ender's Game does involve children. Oh, that's true. Yeah. Okay. Well, we're gonna just that
Margie:just that. Yeah, but I'm glad that you mentioned that in the episode so that people later are like, hey, yeah, so let's what was the sex? It was it was very I mean nothing wrong with vanilla but it wasn't even like
Rachel:honestly I'm more interested in clean re as BDSM sex described.
Margie:Fine. I mean, oh, other than the her voice wrapping around his cock. So just for that line. I'm also giving it a two.
Rachel:There's one episode. I'm trying to think of what it was. There's an episode Oh, the episode of SpongeBob where they smell really bad.
Margie:Oh, God don't reference SpongeBob right.
Rachel:I'm going to and and forget what he says. But like, you know what I'm talking about for this episode where he like says something and like distinct lines come out of his mouth and wrap around somebody. Well Are there now that's the
Margie:vibe. It's like what Squidward is in before time and like he just sees the words.
Rachel:Hello, hello. Dyer book is future I don't think we're ever allowed to record a person ever again because it's too powerful.
Margie:We're too powerful together. So overall, oh my god it gets it's I wanted to to be generous just because there really wasn't anything that problematic that's fair and even in the problematic side it was it was just not an interesting book. Like it was not original at all. Yeah,
Rachel:I was already hurt.
Margie:Now. You're more now my soul is hurt. More hurting you more money hurting?
Rachel:Jesus Christ.
Margie:That was one of the things that discord though. Yeah, thank you for the suggestions we love when we get on
Rachel:board. I loved it. It was great. I'm so thankful. Thankful. Uh huh. Yeah, they are.
Margie:I listen to love them. So I do love them so much. It is it is very fun. When we get like, suggestions or just like cuz I asked her I was like, I don't know what to read back. So they're like space opera. And I was like, I literally just told you, I just did a space opera.
Rachel:Here's the thing. If you go back and look at the discord, and you pay close attention, you'll notice that the person that suggested space opera was my husband. And then everyone else was like, oh, yeah, it sounds good.
Margie:To me him using his charisma points. I
Rachel:know exactly slithering Zack and so you know, his his margin. This felt like a classic textual. Did it felt very going back to the root. Yeah. Which is good. Because my book, which is the one you guys have listened to two weeks ago. Yeah. It's similar in that it's a classic cabling. Yeah, we are. It's fine. We're going faster than the speed of sound. We can try to time travel that way. Sure. What else were you reading?
Margie:What else am I reading? Am I reading anything right now? I'm trying to give me a second or consuming Oh, no, I've just been getting like really deep in the pay of Pride and Prejudice again. Okay, choice. So I've just been watching the 2000 fibers choice.
Rachel:Just honestly worth just putting that on repeat.
Margie:Exactly. I have a couple of tiktoks about it.
Rachel:Oh, Jesus. I love it. Oh, God. I mean, that's a good thing. Yeah. i It's i i like to read Pride and Prejudice in like late fall. early winter. That's my Pride Prejudice time, right? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thank you for going to space with us everybody again, again. And hey, Linda, you thank you for the use of your song. I love the album be held
Margie:up. It's about it's a macaroni and a pop. It's about pot. No pop, pop, pop, pop. It's about Alright, guys,
Rachel:we love you next time.