Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Freedom, Money Management, Scarcity Mindset, Budgeting, Financial Planning

110 | How to Stop Letting Money Control You and Start Creating Real Financial Confidence

• Erin Gray | Financial Coach, Former Certified Financial Planner and CFO

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Does it ever feel like your mood, decisions, or sense of safety are completely wrapped up with your money?

In this episode, we're diving into why money feels so emotionally charged—and how to shift out of fear and into real financial confidence. Money only feels like it’s controlling you because you’ve (unknowingly) handed your power over to it.

Most of us were conditioned to believe that money equals security, success, or even love. So, when we don’t have “enough,” it can trigger shame, fear, or paralysis. That’s not a financial literacy problem—it’s a nervous system and identity conversation.

Here’s what we explore in this episode:

  • Why traditional financial strategies ignore the emotional root of money stress
  • How conditional thinking like “I can’t spend until I feel safe” keeps you stuck
  • What it means to ask: Who am I being with money?
  • The difference between “green light” (aligned) and “red light” (fear-based) financial decisions
  • How to build bridge beliefs that support an empowered money identity
  • Why nervous system regulation is key to financial freedom and long-term wealth

Resources mentioned in this episode:

The Having: The Secret Art of Feeling and Growing Rich by Suh Yoon Lee and Jooyun Hong

Want to learn more? Here are your next steps:

Step 1: Join my FREE Facebook Community.

Connect, share, and learn how to master your money with other women just like you.

➡️ Join here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/941450038160915

Step 2: Grab your FREE Human Design chart

Curious what your Human Design chart reveals about how you're uniquely designed to make aligned financial decisions?

➡️ Get your chart here: https://generatealifewelllived.com/receive-your-human-design-chart

Step 3: Ready to transform your relationship with money and build true financial confidence?

Let’s create a strategy that feels aligned, intentional, and empowering—just for you.

➡️ Schedule your 1-hour Money Mastery Call here: https://generatealifewelllived.com/11-support

Money doesn't have to feel overwhelming. Let's create a strategy that feels nurturing and custom to you.

From my soul to yours,

Erin

Erin Gray:

Have you ever felt like your entire mood depends on your bank account balance, like money is somehow calling the shots in your life, dictating what you can and cannot do, how you feel and even how you see yourself? If so, I want you to know that you are not alone. This has been my journey. It is, more often than not, a lot of my clients when they first come to see me, and so today I'm going to offer you a different way of looking at this, because the truth is, money only feels like it's in control because we have handed over our power to it, and this is how I live for years, attaching so much meaning to money, my safety, my worth, my sense of security, my enoughness, and it really ran my emotional world for a very long time. And the shift that happens when you change your identity to someone who is confident and leads their money. That is when you truly take your power back. Do you want to create a system to stop avoiding your money? Maybe you're feeling guilt and shame when it comes to your finances.

Erin Gray:

Welcome to your Money, your Rules. I'm Erin, a former certified financial planner and CFO, and yet I used to avoid my money and had fear, no matter how much we had. I can't wait to teach you how I overcame my money avoidance and started consistently managing my finances in a really simple way. It's time to get comfortable with money. If you're tired of doing this work alone, I want to invite you to schedule a one-on-one master your money coaching session. Together, we will look at your unique financial situation. Together, we will look at your unique financial situation, clarify your goals, what you want, your values, and then create a customized plan that blends practical strategies with human design insights. You will walk away with tools to simplify your money management. If you are ready for more clarity, more peace of mind, schedule your one-on-one session by going to my website, generatealifewelllivedcom, and let's work together to create a financial plan that truly works for you. So let's talk about why.

Erin Gray:

I think money feels like it's driving the bus and like it's in control, and I believe that that comes back to attachment. You know most of us were taught growing up, directly or indirectly, that money equals security, power, status and sometimes even love, and so what happens is we become attached, not just practically right, but actual, emotionally. So when we check our bank account, we hope that that's going to make us feel secure. We might feel fear and panic if it dips. We avoid spending even when we have enough, because we have equated money in a certain dollar amount to security. And it's not the numbers that's creating the issue, it's the meaning that we are giving to these numbers. So how does attachment actually show up or what does it look like?

Erin Gray:

I think it is very conditional thinking and feeling. It might look like you feel unsafe spending even on things that you need, because you were taught that a certain amount of money should stay in your bank account or a certain amount of money equals security. You might say things like well, once I hit X number in my business or once I have X amount saved like this has been the story of my life up until several years ago then I'm going to feel better. Right, you might feel shame because you aren't earning enough or generating enough money, or you might even be delaying decisions because you are waiting for permission from your finances, and all of these types of behaviors really puts money in the driver's seat and you more in that reactive state. Okay, so you might be asking okay, great, aaron, so now I know how I am being conditional and I'm being attached with money.

Erin Gray:

How do I get out of this? How do I break the cycle? And my answer is we have to shift our identity. You know, most people try to change their finances through doing some type of external work without doing that internal work, because that is easier, right, and it is a short-term fix. So we try to use willpower I mean, I think about this from just like, you know, with food. You know how many times have we tried to go on a diet but it doesn't work. Because we try to use willpower, we try to restrict, we do all of those things, but we haven't changed who we are.

Erin Gray:

Right, I am a non-drinker. So when someone asks me and I don't care if you drink, I'm just using this as an example I don't, I don't drink. And so when someone asks me, do you want to have? You know they pass me the menu for out in a restaurant. Or you know, hey, let's get together. You know, let's have some wine. I don't drink. So it's not even who I am, it's not my identity. My identity is someone who drinks water, who drinks seltzer water, who drinks iced tea and kombucha and lattes. I don't drink alcohol. And so when we are trying to use willpower, right, we think we're going to budget harder, or we're going to restrict more, or we're going to work more, or we're going to wait until we feel ready. But that is all external things we have to decide right.

Erin Gray:

Real change starts with the question of who am I being with money? Am I being an anxious person with money? Am I being an avoidant person with money? Am I being an over-controlling or hyper-vigilant person with money? You can decide today to be confident, like I am a confident person. I am highly resourceful, like things that I tell myself and I believe about myself. I am highly resourceful, I'm highly successful, I am empowered. I love myself. I am highly resourceful, I'm highly successful, I am empowered, I love myself, I am confident, I am powerful. And so you can decide to one. Tell yourself these things and start forming new beliefs around this and also be confident with your money.

Erin Gray:

So someone who is confident with their money, so someone who is confident with their money, someone who feels at peace with their money, someone who is calm, who is trusting with their money, how are they acting? What are they thinking and feeling, versus someone who is feeling anxious or avoidant or trying to control? So you have to ask yourself who am I being? And I think that confidence is a decision we can decide. I mean, I think that there are several ways to look at this. You know you can if, if, if you say to yourself, I am a confident person or I am confident with my money and that doesn't feel true in your body, then do some more bridge thoughts.

Erin Gray:

Or like a ladder belief, meaning like I'm in the process of becoming more confident with my money, I'm in the process of trusting myself with my money, I'm in the process of learning how to be confident with my money, like what feels true in your body. Cause if you're telling yourself I'm confident with your money and your body is rejecting that, then you don't truly believe it. So it is a skillset, it is a practice, right, we live in a cause and effect world. So when we show up confidently, things shift because we're creating that shift. You know, if I were to show up and I were to be like well, I think I can help you. I kind of know money, I kind of have helped some people, right, that's not confident. Confident is I am 100% capable of helping you, because I have done this my own self and I have helped hundreds of other people and I can help you too, and I have seen patterns and paradigm shifts with myself and other people and I know that I can help you transform your relationship with money, and I know I can help you. You see the difference in the energetic space of like me, showing up confident, versus like I think I can, right, and so this is how, when we are showing up with ourselves and with our money, right. So when you feel confident, think about how you show up differently. Think about yourself with the end game in mind. Right, someone who is confident in themselves with their money. They show up weekly for their check-ins, right, they aren't avoiding their money.

Erin Gray:

When we are choosing priorities that are aligned with our values, when we are spending in alignment, not from fear. You know, I recently read this amazing book called the Having by Su Yun Lee, and she talks about she calls it the red light, green light, which is so I love it. So I always say is the decision coming from love or fear? But she uses the term red light or green light. You know, when we are spending or we are investing our money or whatever we're doing, is it coming from a green light of our soul and alignment that feels good to us, or which I say is love, or is it coming from a red light, where it's fear-based? Where it's coming from should or have to or very lack mentality. And the only way that we are able to know that is if we slow down and we ask ourselves. So, letting your present actions reflect who you want to become right, acting from that end place.

Erin Gray:

Right, someone who is confident. They make different decisions because they are confident. So, like I said, trying on different affirmations, like I trust myself, to figure this out, I am highly resourceful. I can handle any emotion and if I say those affirmations and they don't feel true to you, then you have to take the time to sit down to figure out what are the things that I want to start telling myself that I believe right now. So, like I said before, if you, if I can handle any emotion doesn't feel true in your body, maybe it's I'm learning how to handle any emotion. It you have to run it through your filter to make sure that it feels true in your body.

Erin Gray:

And I want to make this distinction that detachment does not mean you don't care. Like detachment and surrender in my body feel very similar. It doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean that I've given up. It means that I am not allowing my emotions to be dependent on something outside of me and that I am letting go of like I'm doing the work and I trust that it's going to show up and happen whatever way it's supposed to happen.

Erin Gray:

Because when we are trying to control the, the end game we are. That is not our job, right? Our job is to be in the belief and showing up and doing our part. God, if you believe in God, or creator source universe, that's that. That's their job. To bring it to us however it's supposed to, right. And so I think that this really comes back to trusting ourselves, trusting in God, spirit source universe to deliver it however it is best for us. You know, when we are attached, we think we know the best way to receive what it is we are wanting, right, and we don't. That's not our job. So, really starting to ask yourself am I coming from a place? Am I showing up from a place of attachment or detachment? Am I trusting? Am I doing my part and then allowing God, spirit source universe to deliver it to me however way I want to? So, to recap, first and foremost, when we feel like money is in the driver's seat, it is coming from, more often than not, a place of attachment, of not trusting, and attachment looks like very conditional thinking and feeling. And so how do we get out of it? We have to shift our identity. We have to be constantly asking ourselves who is the woman that, who is the woman that, and really practicing being in that energy.

Erin Gray:

If you're tired of feeling overwhelmed or unsure or carrying this weight of money stress alone by yourself, I want you to know that I see you. You deserve to have support that honors both your goals and how you feel in your body. So in our Master your Money coaching session, together we're going to create a financial plan that feels grounding and it feels clear and aligned with you and who you are. So often my clients after the first session it's almost like this exhale. They say you know like I feel so much better because you have clarity, you aren't second guessing, you're not having these numbers just be in the ethers versus being really clear on where you are and where you're going to go.

Erin Gray:

And you don't have to do this alone. You totally are capable of doing alone and I want to encourage you that it's a lot more fun and a lot of times it's a lot faster. The transformations are faster when you get to do it with someone else, so we can do this together. You just head over to my website, generatealifewelllivedcom and schedule your one hour session today. You don't have to figure this out on your own anymore. I would love to help and support you. Okay, that's all I have for you today. I'll see you in the next episode. I would love it if you would leave a review for this podcast. It helps the show grow and I love hearing from you. And if this episode resonated with you and you have a business bestie who is also avoiding her money, will you share this episode with her? My mission is to help more female entrepreneurs feel safe and empowered with their money. Okay, I'll see you in the next episode.