Your Money, Your Rules | Money Mindset, Money Management, Abundance Mindset, Budgeting, Spirituality

138 | Still Feeling Guilty When You Spend? Why Money Guilt Happens and How to Break the Cycle

• Erin Gray | Spiritual Wealth Coach, Former Certified Financial Planner and CFO

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Do you feel guilty when you spend money even when you can afford it? In this episode, I unpack the reasons why we feel money guilt and shame, how your nervous system was conditioned to equate spending with danger, and practical ways to rewire your money mindset. 

You’ll learn how childhood money conditioning shaped your nervous system, why guilt has become a default response, and practical tools to rewire your relationship with money circulation.

What you’ll hear in this episode:

  • Why guilt and shame around spending are rooted in early money messages
  • How your nervous system has been trained to equate spending with danger
  • The sneaky way guilt becomes a familiar and an addictive emotional pattern
  • Why restricting yourself more isn’t the answer, and what to do instead
  • How slowing down and engaging your senses can rewire money patterns
  • Simple practices like breathwork, tapping, and supportive self-talk to signal safety


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From my soul to yours,

Erin

Erin Gray:

Are you judging and feeling guilty about when you circulate and spend your money? Do you have thoughts like should I have spent that, or I shouldn't have spent that, or was that irresponsible? If so, I want you to know that you are not the only person that goes through this. I know for myself. I have experienced this. Other people that I have supported have experienced this, and I want you to know that you are not alone. So today we are going to be talking about why spending, or what I call circulating your money can activate I like to use the word activate instead of trigger can activate so much shame within your body, and how to actually start enjoying your money without all of the guilt.

Erin Gray:

So if this is something that is already resonating with you and you're thinking something along the lines like, yeah, that that is me Right, and you've been listening to my podcast, if you're new here, welcome. If you have been around for a while and you're like you know what, I'm ready to take the next step I want to invite you to join me inside my one-on-one coaching together. We don't just look at the numbers. I think that numbers is such a small part of actually you know the money work that we do together, we really go deeper, helping you release those money stories so that your nervous system can actually feel safe and abundant, you know, being able to actually enjoy your wealth that you have already created, and creating more wealth from a place of fun and love and joy. That is what I'm here to help you do. Like we already know what it's like to create wealth from. Like struggle and hustle and withholding and hoarding. Like that's not what we're here for, that's not why God sent us to this or, you know, sent us to planet earth. Like that is not the purpose of this. It is to enjoy ourselves while we're here. So if this is something that has been on your mind and your heart and you feel like maybe Aaron would be a good person to guide me along the way, I would love to support you and also feel honored to have that conversation with you and to guide you. So if you're interested, all you have to do is just click the link in the show notes and you can schedule a session for us to just get to know each other. I call it a clarity session. Clarity call discovery, call consultation, whatever you want to call it. It's just an opportunity for you to share what's on your heart, and I can also share how I would be able to help you and what it would look like to work together.

Erin Gray:

So let's talk about guilt and shame, because I think it. I think it holds a lot of us back and I don't care whether you are male or female. It is a lower vibration emotion and it is something that is can be an addictive emotion. Dr Joe Dispenza talks about this, and so I'm going to dive into a little bit about how it can be an addictive emotion and how it just keeps us in this cycle and in this circle of not enough and also continuing to do the same thing over and over again. So why does spending activate guilt within our nervous systems? And I think it is because we feel judgment right, we are judging our choices. You know so.

Erin Gray:

For so many of us, our early money conditioning like our parents, who we grew up with, our caretakers, you know we're tied to a lot of us grew up in a very scarce, lower consciousness household. You know it was tied to lack and scarcity. And a lot of us grew up in a very scarce, lower consciousness household. You know it was tied to lack and scarcity and a lot of times, moral judgment. You know, I even know, like my dad, he loves computers and he values computers, and so that is where sometimes I say computers, technology in general, right. And so there have been times, when I used to work with him in his company, of where we would have, he would have no problem spending money on me for a new computer, but something that maybe wasn't computer oriented. That would be a little bit of a um, I don't want to say stretch for him, but it definitely wasn't an easy. Yes, right, it's because of what he valued. So, you know, if you had parents that judged how you wanted to spend money, you know, think about even society.

Erin Gray:

Now, right, like we judge what is worth spending our money on and what isn't right, there is no right or wrong way to spend or circulate your money. Spending money is just a circumstance, right, it's based on. We spend our money based on our values, you know, and a lot of us don't have the same values, right? Somebody might have a value to buy designer handbags. It doesn't mean we need to judge that person, they just value buying designer handbags. Someone like me might value having luxurious vacations, right, we don't need to judge it. It's just a difference of values and how we want to circulate our money.

Erin Gray:

But when we look at how we are spending our money and we're judging how we're spending our money, that's where things get a little squirrely and then that's where the guilt and the shame comes up. So if you grew up hearing things like that's a waste of your money or don't waste your money on that, or maybe you watched a parent, you know I didn't have this, but I have had clients and friends tell me like that the moms would like buy products or buy things and then would like hide them in the back of their closet for several months, so that when she actually put it on then it was like no, I've had it for a long time, which she is actually telling the truth, she has had it for a long time but it is new, right. So there is that that is underlying belief of like shame around buying something right and like maybe the friction that it would have caused with the partner or the spouse. So if there was hiding around purchasing things or hiding between you know your parents around how they spend money, then that can also trickle down to us just by you know your parents around how they spend money, then that can also trickle down to us just by, you know, as children, right Up until they say age seven. But, like, who knows if that's actually true, what if it's even longer than that? Like everything is just being bum um coming into our subconscious and there's no filter. So what this has done for us is it has trained our nervous system, you know, to equate spending on certain things, right, maybe for fun is not safe or it's being irresponsible. So, even now that you are financially okay on paper, right, and probably I would say, thriving I mean, if you're listening to this podcast, you probably have a computer, you probably have an iPhone or some type of phone right, and probably I would say thriving. I mean, if you're listening to this podcast, you probably have a computer, you probably have an iPhone or some type of phone, right, so you are thriving. And your body, though it doesn't feel that way, right, it still sends out that, those feelings of guilt when you are spending.

Erin Gray:

So guilt can be a very habitual feeling. You know our bodies are used to feeling what guilt feels like. If this is a practiced emotion that you have, I mean, for me this was very, this was something that I really put some effort in, because there was guilt around spending money on fun and enjoying and not earning money. Because I had so many stories around earning money, um, and that once you earn it then you get to go have fun, versus just spending money Cause you want to and you or you know money had to have a purpose, versus I just want it because I want it. So if your body is used to feeling guilt on a consistent basis and it doesn't feel guilt, then it's going to serve up the guilt because it's used to feeling that way. So it doesn't mean that feeling guilt is correct for us. It just means that it's familiar and the body loves familiarity. So how do we actually start shifting this? First and foremost, we have to normalize spending as a healthy part of money flowing right.

Erin Gray:

Money is energy, just like everything else in life, and energy is meant to circulate, and so when we are saving or hoarding for in my case, hoarding money and never allowing ourselves to enjoy our wealth, it reinforces to ourselves that money is unsafe. It like here you go back to, like it has to have a purpose right. Like do you actually believe that money is there for you to enjoy. Like I would start there. Like, what do you believe about money? Do you believe it's meant to be enjoyed and to be shared and to have fun? Do you believe that it's meant to serve a specific purpose? Like growing up in my house, like it was totally okay to spend money on private education and houses not so much vacations, not so much on fun, right? So it just depends on like, what have you grown up believing? What are your stories around money right now and what is its use and purpose?

Erin Gray:

So you could start with I always say, like, who is the person you know, like maybe journal about, who is the person that believes that money is meant to be circulated and enjoyed? And maybe, if you can't get to enjoying circulating your money just because and it's fun, maybe get into the place of like what I call bridge thoughts or something like you know, purchasing something that I enjoy. I see other people doing that and they're a human and I can do that too. Like I had to start with some of my beliefs. I had to start with just like, well, they're a human and I'm a human. So, okay, you know, like very neutral beliefs, not all the way over, to like abundance If you can get on board, if your brain can get on board with. You know, other people enjoy their money for fun. They're human, I'm human. That's a possibility for me, something like that. You're going to have to play with what feels good for you, but I'll give you a couple more here. And then I want you to like actually take the time and sit down and journal or write out like what are some, like one or two beliefs, right, you don't need to come up with this whole slew of them, but I always say, like, make it easy.

Erin Gray:

But like I had to use a lot of times, like I'm learning to believe right, or I'm in the process of believing that it's safe to spend money on things I enjoy. You know the work for us, the effort is to not not purchase something. That's not growth. The growth is I'm going to purchase this and I'm going to feel what the feeling is. I'm going to feel that guilt, I'm going to feel that shame bubble up in me and I'm going and I'm willing to feel this feeling. That's where the growth lies. So, and that is where we actually get to process right. Like if we are continuing to just do the same thing over and over again. You're actually not really having to process much emotions in that regard because it's a very familiar place for you.

Erin Gray:

So the second thing that I would do is really to slow down. I always encourage clients like let's even slow down even more. Right, we think we've slowed down, but like I think we live in such a fast society, like let's slow down even more and savor it. So when you rush through your spending if you are, or maybe you aren't even spending at all, right, like you're missing out which I'm not a FOMO person but like you're literally withholding that's probably a better word you are withholding pleasure and we are pleasure beings. Like that is part of gifts that we were given is to enjoy our life here is to feel pleasure in the body. Like I always say that money is for the body. Like our soul could care less, you know, but on the 3d plane, like where we live, planet earth, money is for the body. It is to enjoy and to have fun and to share and to like just enjoy your money. So you know, let's just use buying a coffee or what I drink chai lattes or iced tea.

Erin Gray:

So there was a time where I would be like, well, we don't need to spend money on, like, really going to coffee places because we could make it at home, or that's just too much money or whatever. My thoughts were back then. And so, if you are like, think of something that will challenge you a little bit, that's outside your comfort zone what I call window of tolerance, and start doing that. Right, so I would start taking myself out for tea and when I was there, I would first and foremost like acknowledge it. Right, like I'm so proud of you for doing this. This feels a little uncomfortable, right. I also noticed the thoughts in my head and so just really recognizing, like doing some always come back to the body, like we have to teach our nervous system that we are safe. But one of the ways we do that is with our breath, and it's not actually on the inhale, it's actually on the exhale. So making your exhale longer than your inhale inhale, it will actually activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which is all of that rest and digest, like calmness, versus the sympathetic which is your stress. You know fight or flight.

Erin Gray:

So really enjoy the purchase that you made, right, like if we're going back to the coffee or the tea example, feeling like if it's a warm cup of coffee, let's just say if it's a warm cup of coffee, let's just say it's a warm cup of coffee. So you want to tie the, the senses, into your experience, right? So how many senses can you connect with this experience? So you're looking at the tea or the coffee, you are feeling it, so it might be cold or it might be warm. Um, what are the site or what are the? What do you hear in the coffee shop? Um, the, the taste of it, just like truly being present and like taking it into your body, noticing the smell of it. Does it have a certain smell? Did you get like lavender or vanilla or something you know in your coffee?

Erin Gray:

Like, really try to bring as many senses as you can into it, to take it into the body, right. And so the more that we do this, the more we normalize this, the more that we are saying it's safe to enjoy this. You know, like my, my energy, I call her my energy worker, body worker, whatever you want to call it. Like, a lot of times you can tap on your actual like, think about where your eyebrows are and just go up a little bit above. You can tap there and you can say things like it's safe to enjoy this. You know it's safe to enjoy what I have generated money with. You know, like it's okay to spend my money, it's okay to circulate my money. You know I am safe in this moment because that kind of ties into back to your nervous system and teaching your nervous system that, teaching your nervous system that you are safe.

Erin Gray:

And then the third thing that I would do is to watch what your brain says. Also, notice what your body is feeling, right. Like, so maybe you had already made the decision I just use the coffee shop as an example but maybe it's a bigger purchase. But like, just notice where you made the decision ahead of time and then you're in it or you purchase it, and then maybe you're looking at your credit card statement after the fact. So just notice what are the thoughts that are going through your mind, right? So if you hear those repetitive thoughts that you're used to thinking like, maybe I shouldn't have done that, or, um, that was silly of me to purchase, or I shouldn't be spending that much money, just notice what are those thoughts, because those are the thoughts that you want to start modifying and changing to be more supportive and empowering for you, right? So saying things like I chose this, right, I can trust myself with money.

Erin Gray:

Like I was having this conversation with a client the other day and we were talking about being a good steward of your money and she was like, oh, I don't feel that yet. And I was like that's fine, but you are learning to be a good steward of your money. And I gave her, like, several examples and she was like, yeah, I am. I was like, exactly Right, like, so we have to notice what our brains are telling us and we have to intentionally choose what we want to believe and think. Like so often we think we're thinking, but we're not, we're just regurgitating those thoughts that had have already been to us or you know, telling us for years and years and years. So think about and notice when those thoughts come up. What do you want to intentionally tell yourself? And I would even start like it depends on where your awareness is, but you can start with that and then move to like intentionally telling yourself on purpose, on a, you know, consistent basis, right, like I'm choosing this. I'm trusting myself with money or I'm learning to trust myself. I'm learning to be a good steward of my money? Right, money flows in and out.

Erin Gray:

Money is energy. It's meant to circulate, right? I mean, I had a mentor tell me you're actually violating the law when you are hoarding your money. Like part of money is to circulate and move. So I'm allowed to use money in a way that supports me in my life, right, I'm allowed to use money for joy and fun, like it's safe to use money. As for joy and fun, like I had to start there, like I had to start telling myself it is safe to use money for joy and fun.

Erin Gray:

So, if this resonates with you and you're tired of feeling that guilt spiral, shame circle, you know, um, every time that you spend or you circulate your money you know this is some of the work that I do with clients. So, owning your wealth, owning your abundance, you know your bigness in life, like we were all here to be big, to have and live this vibrant life. So releasing those stories that your body has been holding onto all of these years around scarcity and lack, so that you can actually enjoy the life that you have and that you're creating and that you're building. I would love to work with you. All you have to do to schedule a call with me is just go to the show notes and click on the link to book and you can find a good time that works for you. So I want to say thank you always for being here, for spending your time with me. Remember that money is a tool to support you to live your most beautiful, vibrant life.

Erin Gray:

And if your mind wants to argue with that last sentence, I invite you to just open it and peel it back. Open it up just a little bit and be like well, what if that were actually true? What if it were actually true that I was sent here to enjoy my life, to enjoy our money and the money that I have created? No, I am giving you. You don't need my permission, but you know you are allowed. You are meant to enjoy your money. Okay, I'll see you next time.