Your Money, Your Rules | Money Mindset, Money Management, Abundance Mindset, Budgeting, Spirituality

155 | Overcoming Money Anxiety: How Emotional Safety Leads to Financial Clarity

• Erin Gray | Wealth Coach, Former CFP and CFO

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In this episode, I share why I believe smart, capable women often avoid their numbers and how this isn’t laziness, it's actually a survival pattern. You’ll learn a kinder, body-based approach to meeting your money that starts with safety, not shame.

Together, we explore:

  • How cultural and family money stories shape avoidance
  • Why your nervous system reads money as a threat
  • How to regulate fight, flight, and freeze responses
  • Somatic tools to widen your window of tolerance
  • The power of celebration and compassion in financial healing
  • How to separate self-worth from financial results


Resources mentioned in this episode:

Ep. 142 | Beyond Money Mindset: Releasing Money Wounds Through the Body

Ep. 149 | Why Emotional Freedom Technique (Tapping) Creates Real Money Shifts



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From my soul to yours,

Erin

Erin Gray:

Today on the podcast, we're talking about why so many women, including my past self, avoid looking at our bank accounts or QuickBooks. I would guess you are probably very smart, very capable, highly successful business owner, and you're thinking, maybe you're thinking to yourself, like, why can't I just make myself sit down and look at my numbers or QuickBooks? Because this was my thinking for so long. And I didn't recognize what was actually happening. I just thought that I had resistance or I was being lazy or I was having a lack of discipline, which I've had clients tell me that exact same thing before too. And it has nothing to do with laziness, it has nothing to do with discipline. It is actually about our safety. Our body doesn't feel safe. And also, like just in general, like our nervous system, right? Like there probably are emotions that are still within us that are creating this experience for us. And until we actually know that this is actually what's happening, we think we can just like force it, right? So in today's episode, I'm going to share with you and help you understand why that avoidance actually shows up and then how to gently and lovingly move through it without all of the judgment and the shame and the forcing yourself into overwhelm. I also want to offer that if you have been avoiding your numbers or you do feel anxious about money, this is some of the work that I actually do with clients. And I want to offer that if you have been avoiding your numbers or feeling anxious about money, this is actually some of the work that I do and help clients with. So my perspective and the way that I coach clients isn't just with mindset. It is the mind, body, spirit. It is that emotional, the spiritual side, and then the practical layers of money so that you can finally feel grounded and calm and peaceful, not just with your money, but just in everyday life. So if this is something that is of interest to you, I recommend that you just click the link in the show notes and you schedule a call that works for you and we can see if we are a good fit for each other. Okay, so let's talk about why are we actually avoiding or resisting looking at our money? This all comes down to nervous system, emotions, body doesn't feel safe, like at its basic level. Um, so when your body is saying things like, I don't feel safe, and obviously it's not like saying that, right? But it's like how it's presenting, right? Avoiding something. You know, people, I read somewhere, I was, I'm in a group chat, and and the guy said something about like resistance, and he made some comments, and I was like, I don't necessarily agree. Resistance can be because we our bodies don't feel safe. And I think a lot of us are taught like there's something wrong with us if we're feeling resistance, it's not a problem. Resistance is not a problem, it is an invitation to go deeper and to see because sometimes resistance is I actually don't want to do this thing that I'm forcing myself to do. And sometimes resistance is I feel a little scared. And sometimes resistance is uh body does not feel safe. Let me protect you and keep you away from this thing. So if your body is speaking sensations to you and telling you that it doesn't feel safe, it is an invitation for you to explore that you might have some emotions. I've talked about emotion code on previous podcasts. And Dr. Bradley Nelson talks about like having trapped emotions. I don't like that word, but you know, there are emotions that are stored in our body, in our organs. And those emotions need to be processed and they need to be released and they need to be expressed. So even though you, your conscious mind might be saying, okay, Tuesday at 1 p.m., I'm gonna sit down and I'm going to look at my QuickBooks or I'm gonna look at my money. And Tuesday, 1 p.m. comes a goes, and you don't do it. That is your body's way of like that. You're basically in flight in regards to money. Now, I'm not a therapist, but having coached, I don't know how many clients and myself and recognizing like I think a lot of us are in fight, flight, freeze and fun, and we don't even know it. So, money for so many people, especially women, especially women entrepreneurs, like all of us, right? We have associated money and we've made money mean something more than just numbers, more than just data, more than numbers on a piece of paper or on a computer screen. It has and does represent something for us that we have tied to either our worthiness. And this could be either or or it could be all of the above. And then some. It could be tied to our worthiness, it could be tied to our self-trust, it could be tied to our lovability, it could be tied to our security, our worth. Like there's so many deeper seated things that we have associated money with. So it's not when you think about your money, it's not really about your money. It's about what do you think about you as a person? What do you think about your lovability? Like, do you believe that you can be loved just because you exist? What do you believe about your worthiness? So when you are logging on to your bank account or to your QuickBooks, you know, you're not just looking at these numbers, you're not looking at these transactions, you're actually facing, whether you're conscious of it or not, something deeper, these deeper seated beliefs that you have about yourself and the emotions that you might have. And I would say also emotions that have probably been repressed or suppressed since childhood. And if you've ever experienced, like I think about my journey, experiencing huge highs and lows with money, unpredictability with money, inconsistent income, maybe it was there and then it wasn't there. Maybe money was serious growing up, maybe it was completely avoided growing up, you know, the experiences that you have had with your parents or your caregivers and their money story and what we just as children just take on and absorb and what we make it mean about us. So if you've had, you know, a big financial loss, or you know, growing up, you felt just a lot of emotional chaos when it came to money. Even if you didn't, we still get these messages through society, right? Like think about how we view people with money and then how we've been taught to view people without money or that don't have as much money. Just like just think about all of these different, because I've had people say to me before, well, I didn't really grow up, you know, in a very volatile money household. No, but look at politicians, look at just society, look at how we have placed huge importance on money. And if you have it, then you, you know, have lots of freedom, you have lots of choices, you have people of overpowered people, right? So it doesn't have to always come back to childhood. I just do think that, and and I do want to say too, even if you consciously may not remember, like you feel like your parents always had a good relationship with money, what the body remembers things when our minds may not remember that, right? So I just say all that to say that we absorb it from everywhere, right? And so it could be something as simple as like a teacher saying something in passing, and you didn't think it was that big of a of a deal, but then your body remembers it. So just be mindful and be aware. Like we all have these stories, and I don't think we need to go down the rabbit hole every time and like, where did this come from? But just knowing and being aware and bringing it to the surface and seeing, oh, okay, this is what I am associating in this specific instance or you know, with money, then that allows you to then decide, okay, how do I want to think about money? What do I need to do to process this? So, you know, if if you have had inconsistencies with money, or you haven't always expected money to be around, or you have, you know, haven't been even something as simple as not being supported growing up, your body has associated money with some type of danger. So when you go to check your bank balance or your QuickBooks, then your body most likely probably goes into flight because that's more so like running away, not looking at it. Freeze would be more like you're sitting there, but like nothing's really that was probably me. I was both. I was fight, excuse me, I was flight and freeze. So I would open it up, but then I would just like literally freeze. And then flight would be like, oh, I'm gonna do the money this weekend, and then I wouldn't do it. And I would just keep telling myself that, but I wouldn't. So I want you to recognize it's not that the money is dangerous, it's not that the numbers are dangerous, but it's the way that your body perceives the money, it's the way that your body perceives the number as being dangerous. And your number one responsibility of your body is to keep you safe. And so if you've had one event or you've had multiple events, it doesn't matter where money, your body associated and perceived money to be a threat, then anytime you sit down and work with or talk about money, your body is going to associate that with a threat. So, how do we actually work through this? I think there's several parts here. I'm gonna give you the 5D, which is the spiritual, the mind, the body part. And then I'm gonna give you some like actual practical tips to take with you as you sit down with your money. So I would start with the body with this one, because I think a lot of us are actually in fight flight freeze, and we don't even know it because we are so good at doing what we do. So, what are some somatic practices that you have in your toolkit to calm the body? And I don't mean just to calm the body when you're actually experiencing it because that's what I was doing. It was almost like I was recognizing something, and then I would do a somatic practice. I'm talking about doing somatic practices on a consistent basis so that you can move through and process some of this emotion. So when I say somatic practice, what I mean is emotional freedom technique. I will put that link in the show notes. But like I've done several podcast episodes on that. Emotion code, I'll also put that link in the show notes. Like there's meditation, there's breath work. Like what practices are you willing to do on a daily basis to move this energy? Like what practices are you willing to do consistently to maintain and to process and to release these emotions? Like this isn't just something that we focus on because we notice it, you know, in the moment, right? Like I think about this like with people that want to lose weight. It's like you don't put your clothes on and then be like, oh, okay, I need to lose weight. It's like the deeper rooted, really true desire is I want to have a healthy body. So I'm going to exercise and move my body and eat good things because I care and I love my body. So this is the same thing. It's not just like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling this, you know, once a month when I sit down with my numbers. It's like, no, I care about my body. I care about my money, I care about my numbers, I care about my business. What am I willing to do on a consistent basis so that I can show up as the best version of myself? So, what practices are you doing and committed to doing on a consistent basis to move the energy? And I like to think of this like they're not optional practices. Like, and if you're feeling resistance to the somatic, then I even more so recommend you doing like a motion code or working with an EFT practitioner or something like that, because then there's, you know, some deeper layers there. But like just as like brushing your teeth, like you don't even think about brushing your teeth. That's just essential. This is essential too. Like, this is the overall care and consideration and love for our body. That's where I would start with the body. Then I would invite you to look and see like, what is my actual spiritual practice? Right? Contemplate and explore what is your relationship to God? Do you believe that you are always supported by God? Do you believe that your supply actually comes from God? Or are you looking at the effect, like your clients or your investments? And that's where you think your supply is from, right? So really start to deepen your relationship with God. This is something that has been a journey that I've been on probably over the last year. And, you know, really starting to hone my spiritual practice and really connect to God and how that serves me and how I am supported. And then there's the mind. So what thoughts are you thinking on a daily basis? Starting to be so cognizant of your thoughts. What do you think about you? What do you think about your self-concept? What do you think about your future and what you're capable of having? What would you love? Where are you? You know, I don't like this word excuse, but like what excuse is your brain giving you as to why you can't have, be, or do something? And these are all the things that I dig into with my clients to help them truly feel at peace and calm. It's not just with money, right? It's with themselves ultimately. Because once you learn this skill set, you get to just transfer it in every other area of your life, right? You get to do it with money, you get to do it with your spouse, you get to do it with your children, you get to do it with your employees, you get to do it with your contractors, you get to do it with, you know, your kids' teachers. Like you get to, because you have this skill set, you get to use this in every area of your life because ultimately we all want to feel calm and peaceful, not just with money, but just in general, right? With our life. So I can definitely support you with this. If this is something that you're interested in, I highly encourage you to click the link in the show notes and then schedule a call and we'll see how I can support you. Okay. So let's talk about like the actual practical part of this, right? Like, so if you sit down with your money and you're feeling these sensations in your body, like what are kind of uh the the protocol, for lack of a better word, do you want to have that you can kind of just move through and not just move through like unconsciously, but like, okay, I already have something set up. So I know that when I sit down, these are the things I'm gonna do to care for myself. So when you sit down to do your books or you look at your bank account or whatever it might be, are you, do you want to pause? Do you want to put, you know, your hand on your chest and just notice the sensations in your body? Like that's where I had to start. I had to start with just noticing the fear and the panic I was feeling in my body. And in the beginning, like in the very beginning, 30 seconds was plenty for this body. So to each their own, but really just like, okay, how do I want to support myself? So putting your hand on your heart, reminding yourself that you are safe in this moment. And I would literally tell myself, I am safe in this moment. I am sitting in this chair. Like, talk to yourself out loud. I am looking at this computer screen. I see the trees outside. I am okay right now in this moment. You really need to start if you aren't already being your biggest supporter. These are the things that I can tell you, I can teach you, I can give you all of my tips and tricks and toolkits and all the things, but I can't do it for you. Like you have to love yourself enough to do this for you. Okay, the second thing that I would do is separating your numbers from your identity. And I talk to myself all the time. And that is what I would encourage you to do as well. So the balance in your accounts or the numbers on your screen, it is just data. And I know it doesn't feel like it is, right? Because the body has made it mean like money, something very, very scary. But it is not, these numbers are not a reflection of your worth, of your value or of your intelligence. And what I want to say is that if you don't do some of this deep foundational work, as you grow and as your business grows, these numbers are just going to be multiplied. So take the time, care for yourself to do the inner work and this deeper work now, so that as you grow to wherever you want to grow, it feels calm and fun and peaceful versus stressed and anxiety ridden and avoidant. So I would, you know, sometimes what I would do is I would just take out a journal and I would just write as I was sitting at my computer, like, what am I feeling right now? What is my body doing? Like just journaling out some of that. Like, what were my thoughts that were coming up? So I could recognize how many of these thoughts are just on repeat? Because supposedly like 95 to 98% of our thoughts are on repeat, right? So, how much of this has just been being served up because I'm just so used to it and I'm not even questioning it and I'm definitely not stopping it. So you could journal. Also ask yourself, like, what are more empowering thoughts that I actually want to have with my numbers? Like I always suggest to getting to neutral. I had a client last week be like, Well, how do I go from like scarcity to abundance? I'm like, let's not even do that. Let's just go from scarcity to neutral or sufficiency is what I call it, right? Like, I'm safe in this moment. I'm here right now. I have enough money for today. Like, just let's just get to neutral. So telling yourself, like, I have numbers in my business, so and so has numbers in their business, everybody has numbers in their business. We just have numbers. That's just what they are. So kind of neutralizing all of that emotional charge that we might feel when we're looking at our numbers. So saying to yourself, like, it's just numbers, it's just data, it's just there to help me, you know, make decisions or to look at how well I've done. So I always like to look at things from an empowering thought and way perspective. And also like in the beginning, I just had to get to neutrality. I also think we need to start small. I think so many of us, I had a client that she would avoid her books for a long time and then she would like do a marathon on a Saturday morning for hours. And I'm like, why are you doing that to yourself? Like, that's not something that is loving or fun to do. Like, who wants to sit down and like force themselves for hours? Because then also, too, when you think about your nervous system, you're just spent when you get done. So start small. Like, you don't have to build a full, you know, review all of your reports and do all your data entry if you are doing your data entry. You don't have to do all of that in one sitting, right? Like more micro moments, you know. Maybe it's just opening your bank account. Like I mentioned, that's where I had to start. I had to just start with like, I'm gonna just look at my bank account today and I'm gonna notice all of these feelings that are coming up in my body. That's where I'm gonna start. So let your nervous system, you know, I talk about the window of tolerance a lot, like let your nervous system get used to being in the room with money again, right? If you've been someone who has been completely avoidant of money, and then now you've got money in your face, you know, all the time, it can feel a little abrasive, right? Not that money is abrasive, but the way your body perceives it. So maybe just five or 10 minutes a day on a consistent basis, because you're doing a couple of things here too. You're also building the self-concept and you're proving the self-concept that you're someone that does what they say they're doing, you know, they're going to do. You're someone that looks at their money every day. You're a business owner that takes time and care for their money, right? And doing that, I would rather you do that every day for five minutes a day than skip, you know, weeks, a month, and then sit down for hours at a time. So just think about your nervous system like a rubber band. Put a rubber band, put all your fingers together, put a rubber band over it, and then try to, you know, spread your fingers out. Your rubber band is your nervous system. So if you're not used to moving your fingers out, aka your nervous system, then it's going to want to come back. But the more that you move it out, that's that five minutes every single day, it gets used to it. It gets used to a to a more bigger window of tolerance. So start doing that. I also want to say that you have an entire lifetime in your business. So we don't need to burn ourselves out and we don't need to act like the military and force ourselves to do things when our nervous system is past that point. Like you have to think of yourself and be your biggest supporter. Like you have to think of yourself as how you would your best friend. Are you saying and acting the most loving way that you can be? And if the answer is no, it's not a problem. We don't need to go to shame and guilt. But we can be like, you know what? I can do different. I can start caring for myself and I can start talking to myself lovingly. I wouldn't say this to my best friend. I'm not going to say it to myself. And then I think that this is big for if you would call yourself like a type A or, you know, a high achiever, whatever it might be. I think so many of us withhold celebration and love and support until the very end when we reach a goal. And I think developing the skill set of celebrating the process, the journey over the end result or the goal is so important to develop. So celebrate every single day that you sit down and you look at your numbers, that you just did it. You just did the thing you said you were going to do. And I think that withholding celebrations, withholding love and attention and affirmations to ourselves is not very kind. It's not very loving. And it doesn't give us that dopamine hit. Like we need to develop the dopamine every day that we are giving ourselves as we're looking at our money versus withholding it until the very end. So think about how do you want to celebrate yourself each time you sit down with your money? Do you want to bring a nice beverage? Do you want to talk kindly to yourself? Do you want to like how can you celebrate that 1% of moving that needle just a little bit more than it was yesterday? And then the final thing is nobody is going to care more about you and your numbers than yourself. Right. This is an opportunity for you to get to practice another form of self-care. And I know it's not the spa or the pedicures or taking a luxurious vacation, but I truly think like this might be almost, I don't know if I'd say better, but for sure, like it's right up there because this stuff matters too. You know, like when we are doing our books on a consistent basis, we are telling God, the universe, this matters to me. I matter, right? I'm honoring me. I'm honoring this business, this entity. And so you have to think about that from an energetic standpoint, like paying attention to that as well. Like self-care isn't just about going to the spa, it is about doing what you say you're going to do and feeling so good inside when you do that. Okay, so that's what I've got for you. If this episode resonated with you and you are ready to create real, true, lasting financial safety within you and your body, the kind that doesn't depend on like what the numbers externally say, right? Or what your business is doing or what your investments are doing, but like it's based on you, how you feel inside. I would love to see if we are a good fit for each other. You can schedule a call to see if we are a good fit by just clicking the link in the show notes. Okay. I'm rooting for you. I love you. We are all on this journey together. We don't need to compare ourselves. And also, we deserve to have the best, to live the best life, to have the best business, to have the best relationship with ourselves and our spouses and our children and all the things. So honor you, show up for you, do this work for you. Okay, I'll see you in the next episode.