159 | Why You Overspend When You’re Stressed and What to Do Instead

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Ever hit “Buy Now” when you're feeling stressed and then feel instant regret? In this episode, we explore why emotional spending happens and how your nervous system drives the urge to buy.  Instead of shaming yourself for overspending, you’ll learn to understand what your body is really trying to communicate.

We dive into the difference between a dopamine hit and true regulation, and why buffering behaviors like shopping, overworking, or emotional eating keep us in the same patterns.  You'll understand how to replace impulsive spending with intentional spending that aligns with your values, so money becomes a neutral tool, not a source of shame. 

In this episode, we cover:

• Emotional spending as a nervous system signal
• Seeking dopamine vs. feeling feelings
• Buffering patterns like overspending, overworking and overeating
• Money as a tool, not an emotional fix
• The 24-hour pause to interrupt urgency

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From my soul to yours,

Erin

Chapters

• 0:00 Emotional Spending Framed
• 0:39 Why We Shop For Feelings
• 2:54 Dopamine Hits And Short-Term Relief
• 4:30 Buffering And Avoidance Patterns
• 7:30 Root Causes: Safety, Worth, Beliefs
• 9:14 Pause, Name, And Question Feelings
• 10:57 Intuition Versus Emotion In Purchases
• 12:48 24-Hour Rule And Somatic Tools
• 15:10 Reparenting And Meeting Your Needs

Transcript

Erin Gray: 0:00

Have you ever clicked the buy button to calm your nerves or bought something just to feel a little relief? I want you to know you're not the only woman that might be experiencing this. In this episode, I'm going to be diving into the reasons why we emotionally spend, why it happens, what your body is actually trying to tell you. And then I'm going to share some tools to help you support yourself and soothe your nervous system so that you can replace reaching for your credit card or that buy now button on Amazon with practices that truly nurture and regulate your nervous system. So let's dive in. So let's talk about why emotional spending happens. I think we've all been there. I think I used to do this with vacations. I'm not really a clothes buyer, but I definitely have done this with vacations. So emotional, and some people do this, some women do this with purses, some women do this with buying clothes or shopping for their kids. So just like recognize where this might be or might resonate with you. It's okay. And the biggest thing I want you to get out of this is the awareness and then developing some tools and some skill sets to support you so that you aren't just emotionally spending. So emotional spending, it's really typically not really about discipline. It is really your nervous system is signaling to you some type of either emotional need or you're having some feelings that you're not willing to feel right now. So maybe you're feeling stressed or you're feeling bored, or you're feeling sadness or overwhelm or guilt. Like it could be a culmination of any of these feelings. Think about like you could replace overspending with overeating or overwatching TV or some people do porn or, you know, like I was traveling to not too much, but I was using that as an escape. So if you are having some feelings, some uncomfortable feelings in your body and you're not willing to feel those, we're going to want to, because we as biological beings, we want to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So if you are feeling some of those lower vibration emotions and you want to escape those and you don't want to feel them and you aren't as practiced in feeling them, you're going to want to seek some pleasure. And if shopping is something that gives you pleasure, then you're going to want to do that to avoid or to not feel. So I think we always with anything, we either go towards a feeling or we're trying to move away from a feeling. So I say we shop for a feeling or we shop to avoid a feeling. And so you have to really be very clear on why I am shopping right now. You know, buying something, if you're doing it from an emotional place, what I call not clean energy, meaning it wasn't pre-planned purchase. It isn't something that you've been thinking about for some time that you definitely feel in your body you're trying to avoid something, then what we are doing is we are shopping to, you know, receive some type of dopamine hit or some type of relief. And this this is a temporary fix. It feels good in the moment, but it doesn't really fix it long term. And so it doesn't really address these underlying feelings that we are feeling. So whether it be shopping, whether it be overworking, like for me, I was an overworker, hoarded my money, or I would use travel to escape. So some people watch TV or they drink. It's all what my coach, one of my coaches used to call it is buffering. We are all choosing to do things because we aren't willing to feel the uncomfortable emotions that we are feeling in our bodies at that time. So we're avoiding a feeling. And so the goal is to develop other supportive practices that will actually give you the dopamine hit in a healthier way. And I want to say this it is not to do that before you've actually worked through the reasons why you're emotionally spending. Because I think if you just replace like a healthier dopamine hit with something that you, let's say, overspending or emotionally spending, you really aren't really getting down to the root cause, right? Like you're still trying to get the dopamine hit, which ultimately you're actually not feeling your feelings. So what this actually might look like is maybe you are purchasing something after what you might feel in air quotes is like, I've had a hard day, or I deserve it, or I've worked really hard for this, or maybe you've been in an argument, or maybe you've looked at your books, or you just had a meeting with your CPA and you're feeling some of these uncomfortable emotions, these lower vibration emotions. And so you're trying to escape and you're trying to feel a little bit of a higher vibration, which I mean, hello, we all want to feel that, right? But when we are wanting to feel that higher vibration emotion, like that dopamine and that joy and that fun, we aren't really allowing ourselves to get to the root cause and see, oh, I'm feeling guilt because I am having a story around what my numbers should be. Oh, this is really about my worthiness. Do you see how, like, when we just go to the thing to fix us, we don't give ourselves the space, the time, the grace to really get to the root of what's actually going on here? Because then we're gonna just continue and to repeat these cycles. So you might make a purchase because you feel, you know, you're trying to avoid a feeling. Then you might actually feel more shame or more regret or more guilt afterwards, because now you've spent more money and then you feel it's just kind of like if someone overeats, right? Like, and I've done this too, you're not feeling good. You go in the pantry, you eat something, in the moment it gives you that quick dopamine hit. But then afterwards, you're like, oh man, I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that? And then like you pile on more of those lower vibration emotions. And so if you are trying to buy things or you are buying things to distract yourself, or even if to celebrate, like sometimes people, which I've done this too, you know, we're using money to give us a feeling, like it's not money's job to make us feel anyway. Like that's not that's not money's job. That's our job. And so if we're trying to celebrate something, or we're trying to distract ourselves, or we're trying to self-soothe by emotionally spending, we're not actually doing the work that we need to be doing within ourselves. So the deeper, if you think about the deeper needs of actually spending is you are seeking some sort of feeling. So maybe you are trying to ultimately feel safe, or maybe you're trying to feel good about yourself, you know. If you have a belief that, you know, if my revenue isn't at X, then I am X, you know, not a good person, doing it wrong, whatever. And then there's emotions like shame and guilt attached to that, then what you are wanting is you're wanting to feel different, which this is normal. This is part of the human experience, but we don't want to do anything externally and it doesn't work, right? We can't do anything externally to make us feel a certain way. So we've got to pause. We have to ask ourselves, what am I trying to feel in this moment? Or first off, back up and ask, what am I actually feeling in this moment? I'm feeling guilt. Why am I feeling guilt? It's typically there's going to be a thought there. There's also many thoughts, there's going to be a belief there. And so recognizing what is this, what is this belief system that I have, because that's what you're wanting to ultimately change. So underneath this, if you are seeking some type of connection or you're seeking some type of comfort or safety or self-validation, that is all the things that we need to be giving to ourselves regardless of whether we're purchasing or not. Right. This is this is some of that deep inner work that I talk about of like, this isn't what we do. Like, money is never going to make us feel this way. Buying something is never going to make us feel this way. Eating something isn't ever going to make us feel this way. This is the stuff that we have to do for ourselves because we love ourselves, because we want the best for ourselves, because we deserve to live the best life that we want. We've got to give ourselves that comfort, that safety, that connection, that self-validation. And so I always encourage clients and also you is to slow down, to ask yourself, what am I feeling in this moment? And recognizing what are those emotions. And if you can pause, like I like to put a 24-hour spending on my kid, because it makes her slow down. Because when you are in that emotional brain, when you are just acting from a very reactionary place, you're not able to give yourself the time and the space to kind of analyze some things. And I know I do talk about making purchases from, you know, your intuition in a gut, but intuition in your gut is solid. It's neutral. It isn't emotional. So I want to be very clear here. When you're making intuitive moves, they aren't emotional moves. They're very neutral, grounded, calm, peaceful moves. So maybe setting a time, when I say a timer, like a 24-hour, you know, boundary for yourself of where you're not going to purchase anything. Like when you're recognizing, and like I say with everything, you know, awareness a lot of times happens after the fact. So you might have already purchased it and then you recognize what you did. But the next time you're like sitting at your computer and you see that you're about to purchase it and you're like, hang on a second, what am I feeling right now? And then what will happen is eventually you'll get to before. You'll be like, I'm feeling something. I'm noticing the urge that I want to go buy something. What am I feeling right now? So do you see how the progression of awareness happens? It backs up until when you get to before it is actually happening. So some tools or some skills that you can develop is you always have your breath. Like, what are you feeling? What are you like allowing yourself, you know, to get out of that sympathetic state, get into that parasympathetic, rest and digest. Exhale longer than you're inhaling. So if you inhale for four seconds, exhale for six or eight. Do that a couple of times. Notice how you're feeling in your body, doing some grounding work, right? You can go out in the grass, you can go out in nature, you can just sit here at your desk and you can just feel your breath. Also, like I mentioned, allowing some type of like boundary, 24 hours. Like it's gonna be there when you get back. Right? The the thing that you're wanting to buy. It'll be there tomorrow. What do I need to take care of? Like your nervous system and you, your body, your mind, your spirit are more important right now than purchasing something. Stop the cycle. Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? Breathe, you know. What am I needing in this moment? It's probably not gonna be what you're wanting to purchase. You know, your your brain's gonna tell you that, your ego, your ego mind is gonna say that. But really, probably what you need is nervous system support, comfort, love, connection, validation, you know, an at a girl of like, hey, you're doing the best that you can right now. I know that it feels really difficult, but I'm here for you. You might need some reparenting. Like, that's what you're gonna need more than purchasing something. And then obviously, like everything I say is like, what type of somatic work can you do? Maybe it's just journaling. Like, I'm really feeling the urge right now to purchase this. And that's because I am feeling a lot of guilt or shame around my numbers or how my business went today or whatever. Journal it out. You know, I've talked about EFT tapping, I've talked about emotional release therapy, you know, go for a walk, move some of that energy, work out, move your body, be in nature, like get out of your office and go be in nature. You know, sometimes also just sitting there with the feelings, that's also really powerful too. Like you really get to command and have command over the feelings. Like your feelings are not you. You are not your feelings. You are the observer of your feelings. So maybe it's just, you know, as you go for a walk, like what am I feeling in this moment? And really just being with your body, giving yourself some time to sink into and recognize what's coming up here. And I think if you really want to take this an extra step deeper, is like, what does the little child within me need in this moment? Like, that's really what we're getting at here. Like the reparenting. What does the little girl, what is like if this was me, what does little Aaron need in this moment? More often than not, it always comes back to she needs to feel more love. She needs to feel and be loved. She needs support, she needs to say, you know what, it's okay. We're gonna get through this together. I'm here for you. I love you. It's okay. Like, what do you what does your little girl or your little boy need? And then if you're like, I still want to purchase this after you've waited the 24 hours, okay. But then it comes from a very empowered place. It doesn't come from a reactionary place. So I want to leave you with just a couple of mindset shifts to think about and things to ponder before we leave. A lot of people make purchases from an emotional place. The first and most important step, right, is awareness. I've done it, clients have done it, friends have done it. Like we've all done it. We all have been taught to go seek something externally, you know, to have us try to feel a feeling or avoid a feeling. It's not a problem. Like you're not the only one that has that is experiencing this or has experienced this or will experience this. But the important thing here is to always stop and ask myself, what am I feeling in this moment? I also think you need to treat money very intentional, like an intentional tool. It is a tool. It is not here to be your support service animal, you know. You see those? Like it's not here to prop you up. Like money is to be used. It is your responsibility to generate the emotions within you and to use money and to use it for planned purchases, not for some type of safety or escape. Okay, so let me give you a couple of things to think about. One, you're not the only person that has ever bought something from an emotional place. I have clients have, I'm sure everyone has bought from an emotional place. It's not a problem. You're not a bad person. It makes you human. So give yourself a little bit of a break if you're beating yourself up right now. Also, I think it's really important to treat money as a tool. It isn't something that is there for you to create safety for you or an escape or to give you either a high or a low feeling. So just be aware of when you're expecting money to do that for you. And I think also too, is that over time, the goal is for us to meet our own emotional needs, right? And that always starts with what am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I needing in this moment? What would I love? What am I choosing to, you know, avoid right now? Like just start to ask yourself questions to get more clarity as to what you were thinking and feeling. And then you're going to be able to get to some of these deeper belief systems, which that's where, like, that's where the real good stuff lies, because it's in those belief systems that we actually create new belief systems, right? So if you have a belief that I'm a bad person because my numbers are like this, the real belief is I equate something externally to how I am a good or bad person versus I'm inherently good and worthy because I am here on this planet. Do you see the difference in belief systems? So start there, ponder this. If this is you, not a problem. Recognize it and then put some boundaries up for yourself. Like, what am I willing to do? Am I willing to pause my purchases? Am I willing to tap into my body when I'm feeling some of this lower vibration emotions? Am I willing to start asking myself some questions? I'll leave you with that. And until next time, I'll see you in the next episode.