Your Money, Your Rules | Money Mindset, Money Management, Abundance Mindset, Budgeting, Spirituality

163 | Why “Luxury” Isn’t Spoiled: Why Women Feel Guilty Spending Money on Comfort

• Erin Gray | Wealth Coach, Former CFP and CFO

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What if luxury had nothing to do with logos and everything to do with space, rest, and ease? In this episode, I challenge the beliefs women entrepreneurs inherit about being “too much” or “spoiled” and redefine luxury as true comfort, wellbeing, and freedom from unnecessary limits. 

In this episode we discuss:

  • Redefining luxury as comfort and ease
  • Separating labels and cost from actual value
  • Noticing inherited beliefs and comparison traps
  • Treating luxury as empowered self-care
  • Aligning spending with desire, wellbeing, and nervous system needs
  • Listening to your body as your decision compass
  • Shifting your identity and training the nervous system toward ease


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From my soul to yours,

Erin

Erin Gray:

In today's episode, I am going to be talking about the term luxury because it has been a theme recently in my client calls on several of them. And my theory is if it is in or I'm having, you know, having this conversation with several of my clients, then it's probably also a theme in the collective. So today I am going to be discussing like what luxury is, why do we experience guilt, or why does that show up around it, and how you can actually start experiencing luxury without the guilt, because the whole point of having money and circulating money is for fun and enjoyment and for the body. It is not to feel shame or guilt or to, you know, pigeonhole us into a certain way of being. I also wanted to make just a quick announcement that if you want to come and learn with me, be with other women who are on this journey with you, you can register for my free workshop that I will be hosting on Tuesday, December 16th, where I will be teaching. This specific workshop is going to be about how to have conversations with your spouse about money with all the friction and the arguing. And I will be putting the link in the show notes where you can just click on the link in the show notes and you can register to join. Okay, so I went to Google because I wanted to actually understand or like get the actual definition of what luxury is. And when I went and it and typed it in, it said the definition of luxury is the state of great comfort and extravagant living. And so I picked apart, I was like, great comfort. Yes, that's what, you know, because the several conversations that I had around luxury with clients was around fine, flying first class and having nicer things and air quotes when I say nicer, right? It's just it is a judgment or a thought around what is nicer, what is nicer. And so then I picked apart what is extravagant living. And extravagant was defined as lacking restraint in spending money or using resources. And then I went to see what lacking restraint meant, which was a measure or condition that keeps someone or something under control or within limits. And I think the whole definition is amazing. Like we don't want to live within limits. I'm tired of having living within limits or having limits. I don't want to be limited with money. I know you don't want to be limited with money. I know clients don't want to be limited with money. Like I want all of us to feel limitless and unlimited when it comes to money and just in our life. So when we look at luxury from this perception, from this definition, luxury is about experiencing comfort. It's not about limiting ourselves with our resources. And it's also not about being limited, you know, putting ourselves in a box or living within limits. And I want to be clear here because luxury is not always about buying the most costly thing. I think there is this, at least the way I perceive it sometimes, you have, let's say, celebrities, right? And they talk about luxury and they're talking about name brand things. And I don't, I think I've said this on the podcast, but I'm very vocal about there are lots of name brand designers that make their things in China. So they make their warehouse is in the same warehouse that gets made, you know, as Target does. So name brand is not what I'm talking about here. And I think that that has been a societal or cultural thing that we have cultivated to think luxury equals name brand. That's not what I'm referring to here. And I'm not referring to as buying the most costly thing. It's about buying and honoring what matters to you. So when you think about luxury, I want you to change your mindset from thinking about it's, you know, a name brand to think about a luxurious amount of time, allowing yourself so much space. Like when I first told my husband, this is years ago, like, hey, we're just gonna start flying first class. And he's like, Well, we don't eat the food because we're plant-based. He's like, and we don't drink alcohol. And I'm like, yeah, but that's not why I'm buying and sitting in first class. I'm sitting in first class because I want to be able to lay down. I want to sit in first class because I want more space when I sit in my seat. I want to drink unlimited amounts of seltzer water. I want to be able to wake up refreshed when I get off of that flight. There's more than just, you know, for us buying tickets first class of, oh, we get to sit up in the front and we get to drink. That is not a desire for me. But the desire to have more space, to be able to lay down, to be cared for, to have a, you know, greater flight attendant to passenger ratio, that is what is important to me. So think about luxury as time. Think about it as having more luxurious experiences or tools or practices that elevate your life. And when you look at luxury and think of it from that you are deserving of it and that the body, like this is what I was telling a client the other day. I'm like, we have money for our body. Our soul could give two shits about money, but the body, the body loves to feel spacious and loves to have nice things and loves to sleep on nice pillows and a nice bed and live in a nice home and drive a nice car and nice, you know, air quote. But we do things for the body and the body loves to have comfort and not to have any restraints. So when you look at it from that standpoint and you look at it from that different view, then we can start making decisions for each individual thing versus this blanket statement of like, oh, you know, I don't want to be too luxurious or I don't want to, you know, fly, you know, I had a client tell me the other week, like, oh, I don't want to fly first class too much. I'm like, why? Who said, you know, where is that thought behind there why you wouldn't want to fly fly first class? So if something adds more ease and more comfort and less limits and less restriction, why are we saying no to that? Or why would we want to say no to that? So I just want you to question how often have we been told, you know, oh, don't do that. I don't want to, you know, sometimes my parents will say that about my kid, like, oh, you don't want to spoil her too much. It's like spoiled to me has a different definition in terms of like, I think you can break it down into different ways, but spoiled in a negative connotation is you aren't grateful for what you have. But yes, I want to be spoiled. I want to have nice things, I want to live an amazing life. So really start to question when you think about luxury, when you think about your experiences, when you think about your time, the clothes that you want to wear, the vacations you want to go on, the people that you want to hire in your business. Like what feels caring for yourself and your body, your mind? And so let's talk about why so many of us might feel guilt or we might feel shame around luxury. A lot of us, we've all been conditioned, right, around societal and cultural beliefs. So many of us carry belief systems from our family, from society, from culture that have luxury feeling, and I'm air quoting wrong. And so we have a negative connotation with luxury, or we think spoiled, you know, is you don't want to be too spoiled, don't spoil them too much. So when we judge the term luxury or what luxury is, and if we're having too much of it, because we have a judgment around it, like what is too much? This is where I go back to the law of relativity. Anything or something that you have or you're thinking about is only, you know, a lot or a little compared to something else. So what are you comparing your experience with luxury to? To someone else, to what you used to have. And when we start judging that, right, like always use things to support you and to empower you and to serve you. So avoiding luxury and luxurious experiences, it can keep you in this pattern of not enough or just enough. It's almost kind of like make do, or I'll just muster through it, or uh, I'll just, you know, it's okay. Like this will do mentality, which really, if you really get down to it, it stems from more of a scarcity mentality than it does abundance. And I really want you to flip the switch and start thinking about luxury as a form of self-care from a place of power being powerful. And when I say power and powerful, we also have negative connotations around that. Power and powerful does not mean overpowering someone else, it means being in your power, right? Empower being empowered is living and acting from your power. It doesn't mean overpowering someone else, which we've had plenty of examples of that. It means being in your power. So luxury can represent self-care for us. Like I mentioned, you know, I've had three or four conversations this past week. So think about when we say yes to first class, we arrive well rested. We're able to think more clearly, we are able to stay more hydrated, you're served differently, right? You're cared for on the plane. So thinking about why I would want, and I'm just using first class as an example. And I'm not saying everybody needs to fly first class, but I'm just asking you to question if you want something and you're telling yourself no, you can't have it, or it's too luxurious, that might actually not be coming from what you actually want. It could be coming from a societal or cultural or familial belief system. And just question it. You know, I think the biggest thing to recognize here is having more money does not make you a better human. And I think that we have also been shown that, right? We have been taught like if you have more money, oh, well, then you're better than somebody else. No, you're not. You just have more money. Steve Jobs is not better than anybody else. Like, pretty sure if you ask his daughter, I didn't think they had a great relationship, right? He just had more money. So having more money doesn't make you a better human. Who you are, your self-concept, what you believe about yourself is how you present yourself to the world. And then having more money just, you know, illuminates that, right? Adds to that. So I also think as women, we all need to be the example for other women. And if you want to have more luxurious experiences and you aren't doing that, you have to question yourself and ask why. So, because when we, when more of us, and let's just use the example, sit in first class, when more of us, you know, take more luxurious vacations. And I'm not talking about the Instagram influencers and all that kind of crap. I'm talking about because I genuinely want to sit in first class and I genuinely want to be in this beautiful hotel or this beautiful Airbnb because I want to, because I want to take my family or my girlfriends on this trip, because I want to do that. When it comes from your heart's desire, I believe that the more of us that do that, the more that we show other women it's possible and it is let it be the new standard for everyone. So this also comes back to is it aligned with your spending? Investing in yourself today. This is the way I think about it, is I'm investing in myself today because I love and I care for this body. And I want this body to last me, you know, another hundred years, right? And so when we are doing things from that place, we are doing it for our body because, like I mentioned, our soul, it could care less, right? It's the experiences, the the feelings, the the lifestyle that we have, yes, it is a feeling, but it is also like for our bodies. So let's talk about practical steps to actually enjoy luxurious experiences, luxury without the guilt. So start small, but not too small. So maybe it's up-leveling your coffee. Or, you know, I have these really nice journals by Peter Popper Press. I'll put the link in show um in the show notes. It's on Amazon, but they're beautiful. They're like hardcover, they are like gold-lined pages. It just feels really nice when I write in my journal. Think about, like I already mentioned, flying economy. So if you're going from economy, then maybe you go to premium economy or maybe you go to business and then you move to first class. It could even be like just your bath towels. Like, what are the things that you can start implementing today where you know you could upgrade it and it would feel more luxurious? And I want you to think about just all of the areas of your life. So I'm going to name some of them. Think about your food. How could you up level? How could you just decide based on what you wanted to eat versus the price? Think about your personal care. Like, are there certain products that you want to have that because you've said no to because of the price, but you really want them? Think about your travel airfare, like I said, even Uber drives, right? Like when I came out of the LA airport the other day, a couple months ago. And the way that they have now deemed it is if you want an Uber, you have to take like a bus to, I don't even know where. You got to go to somewhere else. And I was like, F that. I was like, how do I get be picked up right here? And they're like, you have to order Uber Black. I'm like, okay, sign me up. What do I got to do? Right. It was easy. It was, it saved me not only the time, but the mental, like figuring out how to get from the terminal I was in, to get on a bus, to go to wherever I needed to go, to then order an Uber. It's just was nice to walk out of the terminal and just be like, here, pick me up right here. So your Uber drives, your Airbnbs, think about your clothing, how you invest in yourself. Like all of that is previous, like obviously everything is investing, but like with your coaches and your mentors, and always go back to your body. Like use your body as a compass. Notice when you're spending or your experiences feel energizing. And then notice when they feel shame-inducing, right? So when you are purchasing something because you want to, you know, I had a client, like I told you, she wanted to do first class. And then I asked her, Well, how did you feel after you purchased the ticket and you had the experience? She's like, I loved it. It felt so good. And I said, then you need to remember that the next time you're ready to purchase a ticket, and your mind starts to give you, oh, you're being spoiled, oh, not too luxurious. Oh, you've been booking too many first class tickets lately. Like you have to go back to like, what is actually my mind and what actually feels good in the body? And like everything I talk about and teach, play with this. Get in the habit and practice doing things and feeling luxurious. And like I said, it doesn't have to be first class. If that's too far of a jump for your nervous system, then like what are some, like I mentioned, like some bath towels, or maybe it's a nicer cup of coffee, or whatever it is for you. Just start playing with this. What I really want you to get to is like this is a state of being. This is this is an identity shift. So what do you, and I want to be very clear also, is like doing these things when you still aren't doing the internal work on your mindset and your emotions isn't going to shift it long term. So you have to do the internal work, right? Like there's lots of people that probably five fly first class and live in amazing homes and still feel really shitty about themselves. That's not what I'm advocating for. I'm advocating for you to do the internal work and also allow yourself to enjoy the external experiences as well. And the more you do it, the easier it gets. And the more familiar your nervous system becomes with this. And that is the whole point. Like we want our nervous system to feel normal and to expect luxury. The only reason why it feels a little odd right now, along with the mindset, is because our nervous system isn't used to feeling this way. So the more that we get into it, the more that we do it, the more familiar that we will feel and the more we will expect it. Like this will be our new normal, and then it'll be up-leveling on something else. Okay, so play with this this week. Really question yourself like, where am I wanting some, you know, more luxurious experiences? And I'm not giving them to myself and start to decide, okay, what's one thing that I'm gonna change this week? And then really also look at the mind chatter that comes up when your mind, you know, tells you whatever it might be, because those are the thoughts and the beliefs that you've got to work on and clear in order to come back to, you know, your abundant, luxurious, amazing self. Okay, I love you. I will see you in the next episode.