181 | Money Abandonment: The Nervous System Pattern Behind Hoarding, Overspending, and Avoidance (Part 1)

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In this episode, we explore the pattern of money abandonment. This fear shows up as hoarding, overspending, guilt, hypervigilance, and avoidance, often without you realizing it.

You’ll learn how to release guilt, regulate before money tasks, and build internal safety that steadies every financial decision.

In this episode, we cover:

• Naming money abandonment patterns and their roots in childhood messages
• Hoarding vs. overspending as nervous system protection strategies
• Why money was never meant to be your source of safety
• Breath, tapping, and grounding practices before looking at numbers
• Shifting from poverty-conscious to abundance-conscious stewardship
• Reparenting practices that create steady money rhythms
• How new financial behaviors create generational healing

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From my soul to yours,

Erin

Transcript

Setting Up A Two-Part Series

Erin Gray 0:00

Welcome back to your money your rules podcast with me, your host, Erin Gray. Today, what I want to talk about, I'm gonna make this a two-part series. This first part, I'm going to talk about abandonment uh issues, wounds, whatever you want to call them around money. And then in the next episode, I'm gonna make it specifically of how does that actually show up in your business. I had this thought the other night, laying in bed, about how probably more so my husband has experienced abandonment issues with humans. And there was a time where that probably was true for me, but probably a bigger theme in my life has been around money. So let's dive in. So obviously, I'm not a therapist. Everything that I teach you is coming from my lived experience, clients that I've helped, what has shown up in friends and the collective. But the other night I was laying in bed and I was thinking about I don't necessarily like the word abandonment, but that is the word that came to mind. And I started thinking about my relationship with money and, you know, why I feel so secure in my relationship with my husband. And that wasn't always the case when we first started dating because I was married to someone else before him. And that person and I obviously got divorced and he had cheated. I don't say like saying on me, because that means like I didn't participate, you know, but there was some infidelity in our relationship from him. And I decided to get divorced. And there was a moment in time when I was dating my current husband where I was concerned that maybe he would leave or that maybe he would cheat. And it took some time for me to trust again, to listen to what he was saying and believe what he was saying. And I know that that's a decision and a choice, and also like the body. There's always the body, right? So as I was laying in bed the other night and I was thinking about this and I was like, huh, isn't that interesting? Like, I think that there are people that have abandonment issues with people. I think there are people that have abandonment issues with money. And then I think that there are people that have abandonment issues with money and people, right? And it's not a problem on any of the spectrum that you fall in. It's just something that I thought about that I was aware of, and then I wanted to make an episode, or actually, this will be two episodes, right? We're gonna talk about why do we feel it will have abandonment concerns or issues with money. And then how does that actually show up in your business? So, what I think about when you know we have these patterns around money, what they actually what I'm gonna talk about, what it looks like and then how it shows up. So we might be, and I'm also going to share like a lot of these that I'm gonna be talking about, I experienced. So we might hoard money because we fear losing it, which is definitely something that I have, I am very well versed, have been very well versed in. Um, I would definitely call it hoarding money. Some people might overspend to soothe this anxiety that they're feeling or like avoid feeling deprived. Like one of the things when you say, like, I deserve this, you really have to check in with your body and ask yourself, why are you saying that? Are you saying you deserve it because you feel like you've been deprived and you've withheld for so long? And then you kind of go, you know, the pendulum swings the other way and you go all the way over to the other side and you just kind of go on a shopping spree or a huge travel vacation or something like that. Or are you saying, like, I deserve this and this is my standard and this is what I expect. That's very different energy than I deserve this. I haven't had this, you know, I've been withholding from myself. So I I've been working hard. So I deserve to have this. Very different energy. You might even feel guilty spending on even the necessities, which is definitely, you know, something that I have experienced. Necessities was there was definitely some guilt there, but like anything above that excess, like fun, joy, things just for me, definitely lots of guilt. Definitely had all the thoughts and the stories around like you shouldn't be buying that. You also might feel unease, feel anxiety, feel panic when talking about your finances. You also might choose partners who either might be controlling, you might have had jobs in the past, if you always haven't been an entrepreneur that didn't necessarily feel safe because they provided, and I'm air quoting, you know, that financial security for you, like that paycheck that you stuck with it, right? Like if you either have been married before or you currently are in a relationship where you are allowing it's one thing to be in your feminine energy and allow your spouse to take care of the money and you either steward it or you are definitely involved in the process. It's another that you feel like you're having to ask for things because they are providing that financial security to you. And you might feel deeply unsafe, which is definitely how I have been, is when my bank balance or my investment accounts would go below a certain amount. And one of the things that I've really worked on, like just the other day, you know, we've invested in silver and it's gone, you know, crazy, tripled almost double uh quadrupled. And then, you know, within a day, it even though it still is probably a triple for us, it, you know, it changed multiple six figures in our account. And I checked in with my body and I was like, man, I'm so proud of you, Aaron. And like I didn't even feel anything in my body, no twinge, no like, you know, like that inhale of like, oh my gosh, what's gonna happen? Or no, nothing. Like I've really gotten to the place where money, and I don't do this perfectly, right? But just noticing how far I've come of like this inhale and this exhale. Like true prosperity is having this inner sense of plenty. True prosperity is allowing things to move in and out of your life. Let's just we're talking about money, right? In and out of your life, and not this, like I told a client the other day, if you can imagine, it's not like we're trying to do this with our money. Like continue to inhale, inhale, inhale, inhale, right? We have to exhale at some point. It needs to circulate. Money is feminine and masculine energy. And the feminine part of it is it wants to flow, it wants to go to places that it loves and being is is being received in, right? And so when we're constantly like holding on to it, like our little, you know, I don't know if that cartoon is chicken little, like where he squeezes the, I don't remember what it was, you know, the little animal, it's like, oh my gosh, you're crushing it. It's just like it's okay for money to go. It's okay for money to come back. But if you have had some type of event or several events, you know, either big T trauma, like a big event, an emotional impact, or a little T trauma, like multiple little things that happened throughout your life, that it was, you know, like that some financial change, drastic change, then when your bank balance or your investment accounts drop and they change value, you know, like we don't have thoughts like, oh, it went up four times. What's going on? What's wrong? Right. We only look at it most of the time when it goes the opposite way. So allowing more freedom to flow in and out with your money. And so the mind treats the money not as a resource. And I don't even want to say the mind, the body. The body treats money not as a resource, not as a tool, not as this partnership and relationship that you're in. It treats it more so as it looks at it as safety, as security, as something that cannot, you know, cannot leave you. It has to be with you. Like in order for you to feel safe and secure, you have to have a certain amount of money in your bank account, a certain amount of money in your investment accounts, right? That is where we have been putting our external, not just validation, but our security, something outside of us, our power outside of us to money versus money, allowing money to just be this thing that we use as a tool and steward and move to where we want it to go and to allow it to come in and to allow it to come out. So let's talk now then about what those symptoms, right, that you might be feeling if you're feeling constant anxiety, if you're feeling like that no matter how much money you have or have had or continue to have and grow, like if you're thinking like it can disappear at any moment, which is definitely some feelings that I used to have, it was almost like I was living in this like, when's this other shoe gonna drop? Right. It was never enough. And that was coming from this dregulated, unsafe feeling that had occurred in my childhood. If you are feeling deep guilt about spending and I like to say circulating your money. So if even little, like just checking with your body, if even little tiny purchases, if they feel wrong, if they feel unsafe, noticing where do you think it's okay to spend money on some things and where do you not think it's okay to spend money in other areas? You know, I've shared before, like it was always okay to invest in real estate, invest in your business, invest in investments, buy houses, uh private education. Like those were things growing up, I was taught like that was okay. Spending money on fun, spending money on vacations on yourself, that was something that I was not taught from either of my parents. So that when it became time that I wanted to do that for myself, I had a lot of mind chatter, right? The body didn't feel safe with that. If you feel undeserving, right? If you don't believe that you deserve comfort, nice things, luxury, whatever that might mean to you. Like luxury to me is not a name brand thing. Luxury is like, I love nice experiences. I love like when I went well watching, I did a private, like it was um like six of us, right? Instead of like the 25-person boat. I want, I love to have intimate, small, slower experiences. So if you're someone who doesn't believe that you are worthy or deserving of having nice things, of having luxurious experiences and whatever that looks like for you, then it's going to show up in obviously when it comes time to circulate your money, right? You're gonna choose the, let's just use this as an example, right? You're gonna choose the 25-person boat that's maybe less costly versus what do you actually desire? If you desired to be on a six-person boat and to have a longer time out on the water, then just notice where are you acting from, maybe those old patterns versus what do you actually want? What would you love? If you have any fear around checking your bank balance or sitting down with your QuickBooks, right? Avoiding your banking app or your bills because it feels overwhelming. So this is something that I encourage clients. If this is you, you've got to tap back into your body. You have to assure yourself, your body, that you are safe, you are okay. You can do this through tapping, you can do this through emotion release therapy, you can do this through breath work and grounding and journaling. Like there's so many different ways to get into the body. But the thing is to notice is like what the body is actually signaling is hey, money doesn't feel safe because money either came and it left quickly, or maybe money came slowly and then it left quickly, or there's something around abandonment, and we come back to what were our caregivers like? What were our caregivers teaching us and our parents teaching us about money? What happens to money? Did we grow up, which most of us didn't? We didn't grow up in a very abundant, expansive mindset when it came to money. And so if you are coming from that place, obviously looking at your bank balance, looking at your QuickBooks is going to feel like a threat to your body. If you feel clingy to money, you know, if you were, this is me, used to be me. If you are, you know, saving excessively, or you're being afraid, you're you're feeling afraid to invest or to circulate, right? Because money, like I said, money feels safe. Having money feels safe. And one of the things that I journaled about, this is probably six months ago. I'm like, what is the mindset of a consciously aware and abundant millionaire? Because I have been a millionaire who has been poverty conscious, right? But I want to be an abundant millionaire, right? That is a very different energy, you know, because I have been someone who has accumulated my wealth in the past from a very poverty conscious mindset, from a very lack and scarce mindset. It was just like, I have to save, I have to invest, I can't spend. Which when I look back now, I probably could have accumulated and allocated so much more money if it had come from such an abundant place. Cause I always say, like, you can't put scarcity in and get abundance out. But that was a lesson I had to learn, right? And so now it's like, okay, how do I want to grow my wealth from a very abundant and wealth-conscious and loving, compassionate place versus a fear-driven place. If you are using your money for any type of emotional soothing, if you are overspending to not have to feel sadness or not have to feel grief or shame or any type of loneliness or stress, like this is very common with a lot of women in their business, is like you may look at your books and then you're like, oh gosh, you know, this is not going so well this month or whatever it might be. And then you go and you shop and you spend, or maybe you say things like I already mentioned, like you feel like, oh, well, I deserve to take myself because I've been working so hard. That's very different energy than I deserve. I am a deserving person and I deserve to treat myself and take care of myself. Very different energy. So this is why we really have to learn where I always say money doesn't equal safety because we know lots of people in the world. You probably have lots of friends, and this might even be you, where they have plenty of money and they act like they don't. In their bodies, they don't feel safe, they don't feel secure. So there will never be something outside of you that is going to bring you the feeling of safety and security. That is an inside job. That is what I have had to learn, and that is what I help clients understand and learn. And so I think the biggest thing here to take away with is that understanding why, you know, like looking at why you are doing some of the things you are doing, it's probably coming from that place of abandonment, recognizing that. And then also here you go back to reparenting yourself, being the parent that maybe you didn't have, being that kind, compassionate, unconditionally loving parent, and to teach yourself how to be with money that maybe you didn't get and didn't learn when you were younger. Like I was sitting at the pool, it was the day before I was ready to go home. And I just tears just started streaming down my face. And it was when I asked myself, are like they tears of sadness, and I got a no. And when I asked myself if they were tears of gratitude, I got a yes. And when I journaled, it was just like, I'm just so proud of myself for doing the work that I have done to love myself unconditionally, to have such compassion for myself, to have such a beautiful relationship with money and with God and with my spouse and with my child and in my business and all areas of my life that I didn't get growing up. And this isn't a knock on my parents. This is just a recognition and a realization that I'm just so proud of myself. And so we have, when I say have to, what I mean is like we get to do this work. We get to do this work for ourselves because we are going to be the ones that teach it to our children. And so that our children and our grandchildren and our great-grandchildren and all down the line, they get to have a different experience with money because we did the work on ourselves, right? And I believe that like when we do work, it goes down our generational line as well as up, right? Like to our ancestors and down to, you know, to our children and and beyond. And so we get to do this work. We get to be the person we have waited. Like I wrote down in my journal, like I am the person I've waited my whole entire life for. And I didn't know it, right? And that is what I want for each of you. Like each of you, you are what you have waited for your entire life. You have everything within you. It is just a remembering, like anything that I'm talking to you on the podcast, it isn't anything that I'm telling you that is new. It's it's why you resonate with it is because it's a remembering of who you are. It is a revealing of who you have been and maybe have forgotten. That's all that it is. And so, really starting to have compassion and unconditional love for yourself and for that little girl that didn't have someone that said, Hey, you know what? I got you. You know, we're gonna be totally fine. And that money doesn't bring security. That's found within you, baby girl. Like nobody, a lot of us didn't have that. And we get to give that to ourselves now. So think about the things that I mentioned today on the next next episode. I'm gonna dive into how abandonment issues or wounds or patterns. I don't like all those words like issues or wounds. I like more so patterns actually show up in our business because they do. And so if we aren't aware of them, we can't change them. But ponder, journal, take out your journal, really start to think about like where's this showing up? Where were some of the things that Aaron mentioned to me? Where am I actually playing that out in my life? And what are some of those deep core-seated beliefs that are there that are creating that for me? And if you are someone who is been listening for a while and you're like, you know what, I am ready to sit down with Aaron and I want to see how she can help in my business andor in my personal life. Maybe it is, you know, really diving into the numbers and looking at where you are and where you want to grow and around your money mindset and also the emotional side of what's going on in your life and in your business and or in your personal life, right? If that is something that resonates with you, if you're wanting some support and not someone to tell you what to do, because that is not what I do, but someone that asks really good questions, that has years and years of experience and expertise in finance and in business, and someone that can ask you questions that actually get you to think at a deeper level so that you can tap into your intuition and honor and make decisions and start to trust yourself. I would love to support you. If that is something that is of interest to you, all you have to do is go to the link in the show notes and you can schedule a call. Okay, as always, I'm reading for each of you. I love you. I think the world of you, and I think the more of us that change our relationship with our money, ultimately with God and ourselves, our our whole life changes. So I will see you in the next episode.