186 | Your Identity Is Your Strategy

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In this episode, we explore why identity drives every money and leadership choice. I share why the "who over the how" is more important than strategy.   

In this episode, we cover:

• Why “who over how” is the most important question you can ask yourself
• How self-concept shapes money decisions and team dynamics
• 6 identities that I see in clients 
• The link between scarcity, hustle, and burnout
• Journaling prompts to consciously choose your identity

Resources mentioned in this episode:

Grab your free Human Design chart

Foundational Resources for Human Design

Other ways to connect with me:

Come learn with me in my monthly workshops

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Grab your free Human Design chart

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Work with Me

➡️ Schedule your free clarity call here

From my soul to yours,

Erin

Transcript

Why Identity Comes First

Erin Gray 0:00

Welcome back to Your Money, Your Rules podcast with me, your host, Erin Gray. Today I'm going to talk a little bit about identity. I always believe I did a workshop on identity before action last week, and several of the ladies made a couple of comments regarding how some of the things that I said or that I brought to their attention really hit home for them. So as always, I am constantly getting my content for you guys through either clients or workshops or people that I'm talking to. So let's dive in. Okay. So when I did the workshop, obviously one of the things that I'm always thinking about is the who over the how, like W H O over how. Like we always want to know how do we get there? How do we do this? Whatever. It's like you got to start with who are you being? And I think that identity is the most important thing, like your self-concept, what you believe about yourself is one of the most important things that you can do as a business owner and just a human, right? It creates everything in our life. Like you have to think about that is basically the hierarchy of where everything else falls from, right? Like how you think and feel about yourself then drives all of your actions. So I talked in my workshop last week about, you know, some of the identities that we or our self-concept that we already have, we like, you know, I think a lot of times in the self-development world, but we always like look at it as like, what do we want to fix? Right. And I don't really like that. I think that there's a lot of things that we're already doing amazingly well. And then there are also things that maybe we would like to modify or improve, but there's nothing wrong with us. We're not broken. There's, and I think that if we look at it from the lens of from a love and compassion place of like, I love this already about myself. I'm already doing this in one area. How can I do this in another area? I think that it one, it feels a lot better in the body. And I think we get a lot farther with that than we do with beating ourselves up. And I know that a lot of us have gotten to where we are in our lives by beating ourselves up. And there's no right or wrong here. And it really feels nice in the body. It really feels loving. It really feels like good in the body when we speak lovingly to ourselves. So I want to talk about just some things that I came up with, identities that I see. Like I'm gonna just leave the part off of like all the identity that you already, like your self-concept that you already love about yourself. Keep doing those things, right? But I do want to talk about here about the identities or self-concepts that we might hold that are kind of what I said in the workshop is a little bit like lurking behind where we may not be as paying a close attention, but it shows up. Like it looks like it's a very helpful self-concept, but it's actually not. So I came up with, let's see here, one, two, three, four, five, six, I think, but there could be more, but these are just things that I've noticed for myself, my clients, other women that I've talked to. So the first one is an avoidant identity. And I think this comes from like the flight response. You know how you have your fight, flight, freeze, fawn response. This is a very flight response mentality, like something like, and I'm just gonna rattle off some maybe thoughts that you might have, like I'm not necessarily a numbers person, or I, you know, don't like dealing with that part of the business. You know, I've had ladies' founders talk to me and tell me, you know, like I don't really enjoy doing that part of the business. I'm just gonna let my CPA and my, you know, bookkeeper deal with that stuff. And although it might seem like, hey, you are taking care of it by having a bookkeeper and a CPA, you're not really owning your responsibility as a CEO. Do you have to be doing the actual numbers? No, but like I do, I believe that it's really helpful for you to actually, you know, be involved and understand and learn 100%. So maybe it's, you know, the thoughts of like, I'm not a numbers person or I'm not so great with money, you know, this might have come up with math, you know, when we were younger, or a lot of like, I'll look at it later. It's like a pushing off for a later time versus valuing this just as much as you value, you know, how you are bringing new clients into your business or how you're managing your team, like your financial house is just as important. Being a good steward of your money and how money flows and how you are a conduit is important. So, and and I do want to say here that you might have several of these types. Like what I recognize in myself is I experienced and I, you know, held these self-concepts of several of these. So I definitely was avoided. Like it was like a put it off, like I'll just do it later kind of mentality, more so for the personal finances versus, you know, like this is important, it is worthy of my time. And I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna schedule it. I'm gonna put it in my calendar because everything that goes in my calendar, I do because I value it. Okay, so you might be over-responsible, and this also comes from like being hyper-vigilant. So feeling like that, I'm the responsible one, that if I don't do it, it won't get done. And this could be in anything in your business. This could be from, you know, taking over some of the things that your employees actually need to be doing. I always say, like, employees are, and I don't want to say this as a blanket statement, but like employees, some employees are employees for a reason, right? They don't have a desire to go and run their own company. And so it is our job as founders, as business owners, to cultivate them, to help them understand and to be very clear as to what we expect from them and to teach them and to lead them, but also recognize that they may not put in the exact care or, you know, the thought process or the thinking that you would because it's not their company, right? And I'm not saying, okay, just accept, you know, 80% when we're looking for 90 or 100%. And I'm also saying that having that mentality of like, if I don't do it, it's not gonna get done or it's not gonna get done correctly, isn't actually helping you to grow. So maybe you have thoughts about like, you know, I have to know all of the details. Like, I think a lot of times us as business owners are the bottlenecks because we think that we are needed. And this comes from, you know, the identity of like, we want to feel wanted or needed. And so we actually create more work for ourselves because we want to feel like, you know, like if I was having this conversation with a client the other day, she was like, Well, I might be coming, what did she say? Not not she didn't use the word non-existent, but something along those lines. I'm like, perfect. That's actually what we're going for. We want it to run without you. And yes, you need to be involved and look at the higher, you know, the 30,000-foot view, but ideally, you want everyone to be in their places where they are taking care of everything. And it's a well-oiled machine. But a lot of us have, you know, patterns where we want to feel wanted and needed. So you might even think, or along the lines of like, I don't trust anyone else to do this, or, you know, I can't afford to make mistakes. So just think about where is this showing up with your business and your money, business-wise and personally? Like, where are you kind of being over-responsible, hyper-vigilant when, you know, and I always say like the pendulum swing, right? Like, it's not a great thing to be not even care what your numbers are. And it's also not a great thing to be so hyper-vigilant. So, like, where's the middle? That's what we always want to be going back to. Like, where is the middle? Undeserving, or maybe another one is sorry, I should say another one is undeserving, or it comes from like this scarcity. Like, I don't need that much. Like, I don't really need to make that much. Like, what I'm making is fine, or where we're at in revenue is fine. Wanting more might feel greedy, or wanting more could be actually, I was talking to someone just the other day about this. She was like, I want to grow, and I'm just at this number, and I'm recognizing that I'm just continuously continuously at this same number. And I asked her, I said, Well, how did you get there? And she was like, A lot of hustle. And I'm like, Of course. So the body isn't going to want to grow because it associates that number or even anything more than that with pain and hustle and like you burnt yourself out. So of course it's going to protect you. Of course it's not going to want to do anything more than that because that's what it's currently associating. So we have to retrain the body, you know, like if wanting more or having more actually equated or something along the lines of pain or nervous system, you know, like really frazzled your nervous system and burnt you out. We have to retrain the body that it's safe to grow in a calm, easy, flow way. If you ever think that I should feel grateful for what I have, or you know, nobody's gonna pay that, or I can't charge that much. Just think about where is your language in terms of what you are thinking and what you what story are you telling yourself? Another identity could be something along the lines of just like pure survival chaos. Like I say this all the time, and Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about this is our bodies are addicted to certain emotions. So, whatever emotion that you're used to feeling on a consistent basis, which a lot of us are used to feeling those lower vibration emotions, fear, frustration, anger, and I'm just listing these, some of these, right? They're not all in inclusive, but shame, guilt. If you have not felt that in a while, your body will think of a thought or it will serve up that emotion for you to feel that way. And so if you are constantly in a chaotic putting out fires is the word that I like to use, putting out fires mentality, and that is your reality that you are living in, in order to break that cycle, you're gonna have to feel more higher vibration emotions, calm, ease, right? And so if you have been someone who has thrived on stress, and you know, like if you think like, oh, I work best under pressure, or I do things at the last minute. And yes, some of us, it might be like some of us might need a little bit of that pressure, but when you're in that all the time, you really have to start questioning like, why am I like, what am I believing that is having me do things last minute or constantly be on and feel pressure? The next one is self-sacrificing. So this is kind of like what I call is like martyrdom. It's like I take care of everyone else first, like everyone else gets raises before you decide to pay yourself more money. Basically, are putting your needs on the back burner and are putting everyone else's above yours. This could be employees, this could be contractors, this could be in your own personal life. You know, if you don't want to or aren't spending any money on yourself, you're not paying yourself either consistently or what you actually deserve to be paid as a CEO, this is where this identity comes in, right? And so the thing that I want you to think about with all of the identities, the self-concepts that we are embodying, we're always getting something out of it, right? So you have to start asking yourself, what am I getting out of this? Because there is a benefit. We may not, I mean, like when we become aware of it, we may be like, okay, don't really like that benefit, but there is a benefit that we get from it. So really start to think about where am I putting somebody else's needs first before my own? And I always say this is like you cannot pour from an empty cup if you aren't well rested, if you aren't well fed, if every single minute is spoken for, then how are you supposed to show up for your team, for your clients and customers, for your family, for your community, for your friends? Like it doesn't work that way. Like I liken it to like we're constantly driving on empty. So you really have to slow down. You have to start saying no more often, which is going to feel disruptive to your nervous system. It's not gonna feel normal in the beginning. And that's only because it's not that it means that you can't do it or there's something wrong. It just means you're not in the practice of it. I always want you to come back to what am I practiced at? What is familiar to me? It's not that like someone can do it better than you can, right? Like if someone's more calm, oh, well, they have something that you don't know. We all came from the same source. It's just she might be more practice at feeling calm and taking care of herself and honoring her energy flow than what you might be. That's it. And then the last one is more so like a performer proving and earning energy. I am gonna make a podcast on our will center because I I have several clients with a defined will center. And I think, regardless if you have a defined will or undefined, and you're if you're like Aaron, what are you even talking about? I'm talking about human design and your different centers. If you want to learn more information, you can either just go to my website, grab your human design chart, and download your chart. There's also, I don't know how many videos I've created on the different centers and understanding your human design. Just go to, I think it's foundational videos or free resources foundational videos, and then you can just watch all of the videos that I have in each of the centers regarding your human design. So, you know, with a lot of us, and I I've talked about this on numerous occasions, with there was a point in time that a lot of us got a message that it was not okay to rest, that we had to earn our keep, or that we had to work hard for money, or work hard to have what we want, or you had to earn, like there's lots of proving energy in earning. You had to like prove that you deserve something, or you weren't allowed to rest. Like you maybe were called lazy. And so I want to say here that, you know, I always use human design very loosely and as a tool kind of in the background with clients, but I think regardless whether you have a defined or an undefined will center with your human design, I think it's highly important that we allow ourselves enough time for play and rest. And, you know, in order to actually work, it's like the seesaw effect that we need to figure out what works best for us. I mean, I am, you know, probably over the last six to eight months, I've been working with someone for my hormones and I just was recognizing like I was gaining weight and, you know, but I eat well and I exercise and like what is happening? And really, I mean, when I came to her, she didn't say it in these words, but like, you're in complete adrenal fatigue. Like you've just been pushing for so long. And I think that a lot of us feel like we always have to, I have always said this, like I've had to be always on and always connected. And I think that we are in that state. Obviously, some of it came from proving my worth. Some of it also came from that hyper-vigilance, like always feeling like nobody's coming to save me. I had to be over-responsible or I had to be responsible for everyone, not just myself. And so when we are in this heightened state for a lot, a long period of time, we will burn ourselves out. And you have to think about your business and your life as a marathon, not as a sprint. And I think a lot of us are treating it more like a sprint. And so, you know, think about if I were to believe that I was my most valuable asset, what would I be doing differently? What would I be thinking about myself? What kind of identity would I embody? Would I take care of my like self-care is very important? I value my body and my energy, and I value how I steward my money. Like, just think about all of the different things that you would be thinking differently and embody as a self-concept if you believed that you were your number one asset. And then I do want to say for my like little sneaky next level beater uppers, things like, and this this is some of the stuff that has come through for me and other clients is that like there's something fundamentally, like it doesn't show up like in the words of fundamentally wrong, but there's something wrong with me. Like that has been a theme that I have recognized, or like I'm different from everyone else. I've had some clients say that like I should be better at this by now, or I shouldn't need this type of support or help. It's like we are so good at doing so many things that we think like, oh, when we ask for help with our money, or we ask for help, you know, with having some support to sit with, you know, the CPA and the bookkeeper and just have some, you know, an advocate like me in your corner. You play the shame game and like you should be able to do this. And I want to say here that you probably already do know how to do this, right? That's not what we're talking about. It's like loving yourself enough to have the support because it feels nourishing, because that's what you would want to do when you care and love for someone. Like be your best friend and be your best advocate. So I would encourage you to listen to this podcast again. Listen to the different types of identities or self-concepts that I, you know, brought up. I named avoidant, I named over responsible, hyper-vigilant, undeserving, but maybe just like pure survival, self-sacrificing, and then the like the performer approving and earning. So go back, listen to it again, do some journaling and like see where are you having these tendencies? Because if you're having the tendencies, if you're taking action from that place, you are embodying that type of identity, someone of that identity. And then decide what do I want to embody? You know, if you have been embodying someone that is over-responsible, how can you bring it back to the middle and be like, I'm responsible for me? I'm also, you know, responsible in terms of like leading and teaching my team, but I'm not like all the way over to their side of like excusing all of their behavior and not putting up boundaries and things of that sort. So play with this and really let it sink in. And I want you to just like see where you are. And then I want you to think about and really spend time on who do you want to be, right? Someone who has let go of proving and earning and performer energy allows time for rest, values herself enough that when she's tired, she'll take a nap, re calendars or reschedules her week to allow for her energy flow versus what she thinks or what she's been taught growing up of how she should work. So, as always, I'm rooting for you. Play with this, and I will see you in the next episode.