204 | When Mentors Become Stand-Ins for Your Parents

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You can hire the best coaches, buy every course, and still feel unsure about your decisions.

Because sometimes you're not actually looking for strategy.

You're looking for permission.

In this episode, I share a personal realization that completely shifted how I make decisions in business. I unpack how many entrepreneurs unconsciously replace parental validation with mentor validation, and how that pattern quietly keeps us disconnected from our own intuition.

We explore what it really means to trust yourself, receive support without surrendering your authority, and make decisions from confidence instead of approval.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why mentors can become stand-ins for parental validation
• The difference between advice and permission
• How childhood approval patterns affect business decisions
• Why trusting yourself creates better leadership
• Powerful reflection questions to help you reclaim your own authority

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Transcript

Why Money Feels More Tender

Erin Gray 0:00

Welcome back to Your Money, Your Rules. Today I want to discuss an awareness that I discovered over this past weekend that I recognize in myself and what I was actually doing for so many years. I see this in my clients as well. And it's this idea that we have made our mentors become stand-ins for our parents and their validation. So let's dive in. Pretty much every area of my life besides money and business, I don't really listen to authority figures. I'm very anchored in and trusting myself, and I move from certainty from that place. But with money and business, that has been something that's been a little bit more tender for me, probably obviously because of, you know, if you've listened to previous podcasts of my wounding around money, around business, I would even say money trauma, even business trauma. So there's that like little bit of like tinge or sensitiveness that I have around money and business. And for me, that has been something that has been such a sensitive topic for me that I have sought plenty of advice, plenty of advisors, mentors, coaches, consultants, books, courses, you name it, I've done it. And I think that that's probably because it has been a sensitive topic for me and because I have desired it and I have wanted that more probably than I have wanted some other things in my life. And so, of course, I'm gonna put the attention on it, probably over, you know, not that I haven't valued my health because I've always taken care of myself, but it has been something that for me has been more natural for me. Parenting has been more natural than maybe, you know, the money in the business side. Not that I'm not good at it, but definitely I should say the attention is is more fixated on money and business. It has been in my life than parenting or my health and things of that sort. So naturally, because I've had this desire and the want for it, right? The want for more money, the want for business and

Outsourcing Decisions To Mentors

Erin Gray 2:05

all of that kind of stuff was stronger. I've hired people in that realm, like I mentioned. And what I recognize is that I had and used to, I don't do this anymore. I have outsourced my decision making to them. You know, I held their beliefs or ideas higher than I held my own. I literally put them out on a pedestal. You know, I have friends that put medical professionals on a pedestal and they view them as the authority figure. So we all do this in different ways. And I think what I have noticed for myself and for clients is that tenderness around money and business, we do this in the business realm and then the money realm. And so, and what I recognize is it was like this unconscious belief, unconscious thread, uh, that I was seeking permission from my father. I love my dad. He's amazing. I respect him. He, you know, gave me an opportunity, he and my uncle gave me an opportunity to walk into a, I think it was like a 30-year-old business at the time to have, I mean, it didn't take long to have complete access and to be managing all of the money, to be really running a lot of the company and to be on that more advisory role. So I'm so grateful for that because there's so much that I learned by sitting in the seat and doing the things that I did in the business. And also what I recognize is that I at the time I would value his opinion over my own. And I don't know when it happened, you know, somewhere along the way, I learned that what I thought about myself, my what I trusted for myself mattered less than what either he thought about me or my uncle thought about me, or what I was capable of. And when I reflect on this, you know, I noticed that growing up, you know, there's patterns, right? Growing up early on, like maybe because we, me and my dad hung out more than me and my mom did, he was more of a level-headed presence, you know, at the time. And then when we began to work together, there was that whole dynamic too. And I remember so often there being, and I didn't have the language for it at the time, but I would have these ideas. I would have these downloads, these intuitive hits that I would tell him to act on. And then he would dismiss them because I couldn't give him the 3D proof. I remember there was this one project manager that I was like, we have to let him go. We've rended him up so many times. We've told him what he needs to do. He's not doing it. Like, we've done all the things that we need to do. It's just time, like the company morale is changing because of the people working with him. Like it was just a whole dynamic. And I know at the time, I think my father was acting from a place of fear. Like instead of that intuitive hit and that being enough for him. I actually had to, because he was really concerned about, well, our unemployment rate would go up. And if you know anything about unemployment rates, they stay for a certain number of years on your

The Father Approval Pattern

Erin Gray 4:55

record and you pay that on your certain percentage of payroll. I don't want to dive down into the rabbit hole and explain all that, but like that was a fear for him. He didn't want his unemployment rate for all of the payroll to go up for a significant amount and for an extended period of time. And I remember I actually had to go in and calculate like, okay, if the rate became this, what would we pay on that for how many years and all of this? Like I had to do the 3D proof stuff for him to finally see, oh, okay, this makes sense versus him just trusting me with my intuitive download and my hits that I was getting, that this wasn't a best fit anymore. And so ultimately, when he saw what I call the 3D proof, when he saw the numbers and the data, he was like, okay, that makes sense to him, in addition to all of the other, you know, emotional stuff and the the things that he wasn't performing on. So there was that little inkling, I think, for me, that I always felt like I had to prove or I had to earn. And this isn't a blaming of my dad. This isn't of what he did wrong, but I do notice this in my clients of where we sometimes still operate from that child perspective versus coming at it from a very empowered adult. So when it came to the money beliefs or building my business, I recognize where I would begin looking outside of myself for the answer, you know, asking the mentors or advisors or coaches, like, what did they think? Was I making a correct decision? Questioning, you know, if it would work or not, ultimately, like really wanting their blessing, their okay, in order to move forward. And this realization of unconsciously assigning them authority that actually belonged to me. And what I recognized, this is, you know, didn't recognize this at the time, but what I recognized over this past weekend of like, oh, okay, this is what I had been doing. I wasn't paying for their perspective. I was paying for their permission. And I was asking them for certainty. And I was trying to, you know, get their certainty that was actually my responsibility. And so I say all of this to say that if this is you, it's totally normal. I think a lot of us, you know, have unconscious programming still going on around our parents. What I've recognized for a lot of my clients is there has been this earning desire, right? Like we as a child, we wanted to earn our parents love and affection and add a girls. And we did that a lot by looking to them to see if they were proud of us, looking to them to see if they approved of what we were doing or what we weren't doing. And we just moved that into our business. And so I think for some of us, we are hiring mentors and or advisors, right, that are wanting, we're wanting to receive that from them because that's something that we never received growing up. And this is why I always say like I help people return home to themselves. I don't help you become someone new because this is already inside of you. Trusting yourself, feeling certainty in yourself. No mentor, no advisor, no parent can ever give you that. And I think when you come from that place, when you come from, I trust myself. I love the perspective that they give me. I love the information or the advice that they give me, but I'm ultimately going to, you know, run it through my filter. The difference is we're no longer outsourcing our knowing. We are valuing discernment. We are valuing perspective that someone might give or the advice that we that they might give. But like I tell all of my clients, like you have to run it through your filter and your intuition and you have to move from you know that place. Like, I'm not in your body. Only you are in your body. Only you know what that feels like. I don't know what's best

Paying For Permission Not Perspective

Erin Gray 8:50

for you. Only you know. And I think definitely in the business world, we have built a society around people like gurus and experts, and like, oh, they have so many years in business and they've made so many millions of dollars and add on all of the things that they say. And then we think, oh gosh, they know more than me. But nobody knows your business like you know it. Nobody knows your body and your intuition like you do. And I think that's one of the biggest things and the most powerful things and the most loving things that I can do for my clients is empower them again, right? Like we've always had it. We had to move away from it, kind of feel disempowered to then move back into it and to empower you to trust yourself above everyone and everyone else. And that I'm not saying don't listen to them. I'm just saying don't take their perspective or their advice with more weight than what yours is. And I think it's a skill that we all need to master and to move from. Okay, so I want to leave you with a couple of questions to reflect on and to ponder. Where are you seeking permission instead of seeking support? Like, think about when you go to ask someone that maybe you're working with or an advisor of yours, are you going to them from the energy of I want to feel supported and they give me some perspective and some discernment? Or am I going to them to help them? I want them to tell me the answer. Whose approval am I still trying to earn? What decision do I already know the answer to that I'm actually not taking action on, that I'm still outsourcing? And then the last one is if no expert, which I don't even like that word, but like if no expert or advisor, I had an advisor in my corner existed, what would I choose? And I think those are really powerful questions to sit with, to ponder and to contemplate over the next week of like, and I noticed where I still do this. And I was having a meeting with my SEO team, and I told them, I said, I don't like it. We're not gonna do it this way. And that person probably wouldn't have said that a couple of years ago. I would have curtailed to them, I would have, you know, I don't want to say bowed down, but definitely been more sheepish because they have so many years of experience and they have so many clients that they do this with. And like my brain would have come up with all of the reasons why I should trust them over my own knowing versus asking myself, what did I actually want to do? Did it feel good this way?

Reflection Questions And A New Standard

Erin Gray 11:25

Did it, you know, all of the questions that I asked myself to get to the place of like, no, I don't want to do it this way. This is what I want. We're gonna have to figure out how to put all of your SEO into my box, not me fitting into your SEO box. So I want to also say that mentors and advisors, they have their place, right? The best ones that I have ever worked with, they did not teach me to depend on them. They taught me to trust myself because the goal is not to replace one authority figure with another. The goal is to become your own authority in your own life, to trust yourself above everybody else. And I know that that can feel intimidating at times, you know, when you're sitting across the room with someone that has more letters behind their name than you don't even know what it means, or they have more years of experience than you do, but they don't have more years of experience in your own business. They don't have more years of experience in your body than you do. And they don't know what your intuition is telling you. And you have to trust that and you have to lean on yourself and your intuition and certainty more than you lean on anybody else. So I wanted to say trust yourself, trust your knowing, trust your intuition. Like it is there for you. It is a direct telephone line from God. So trust that. I also want to say that if you are a female founder who wants a different kind of support, a different level of support, where you're not going to be told what to do, where you're gonna be supported in every decision that you make in your decision-making process and you know, anchored into your trusting of yourself above everyone else, above everybody else on your team, employees, whatever it might be. I would love to connect and see if we are a good fit for each other. I'll include the application link in the show notes below. Okay, that's all I have for you. Contemplate those questions, think about them. And, you know, it may not just show up in money and business, you know, it may be showing up in who you're working with with your health. It may show up in your child's school. So just think about that. Might, you know, I I know I talk a lot about money and business, but it might be showing up in other areas too. And so think about that as well. Okay, I'll see you in the next episode.