Can You Set Boundaries and Still Be a Good Christian? | Ask A Pastor Ep. 19

Can Christians set boundaries and still love people well? Absolutely. In this episode of Ask A Pastor, we talk about why healthy boundaries are not the opposite of love—they can actually help us love others in a healthier, wiser, and more Christlike way.

Jesus Himself modeled healthy boundaries. He withdrew to pray, knew His priorities, and didn’t allow the expectations or needs of others to determine His every decision. We’ll explore the difference between helping and enabling, why saying “no” doesn’t make you unloving, and how you can forgive someone without immediately restoring trust.

We’ll also talk about the importance of knowing what you are—and aren’t—responsible for, setting clear and consistent boundaries, dealing with guilt, and releasing people to God when you realize you can’t change or fix them.

But boundaries can also be misused. They should never become an excuse for bitterness, revenge, avoidance, or refusing to love difficult people. Christian boundaries should protect our ability to love—not become a reason to stop loving.

Maybe the question isn’t, “Am I a bad Christian because I need boundaries?” Maybe the better question is, “What boundaries will help me love God, love people, and faithfully steward the life God has given me?”

Sometimes faithfulness looks like yes. Sometimes it looks like I forgive you. Sometimes it looks like I’ll help you. And sometimes, the most faithful answer is simply no.

Listen to Episode 19 of Ask A Pastor and discover how biblical boundaries can help you love others without allowing unhealthy relationships to control your life.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of Ask a Pastor. So awesome to be back with you today. And I hope that wherever you are today, this content is bringing you value. If you enjoy this, would you hit like, subscribe, share, uh, follow. Uh wherever you're watching this, it only helps the show. Uh, and if you're looking for a church, this is a ministry of Hope Church here in Cleburn. Uh, and we would love to have you with us. We have Sunday services at 9:30 and 11. Tonight we have revival service at 6:30. Uh, and starting next week, we have small groups at 6.30 on Wednesday nights as well. Our small groups are starting this week uh on Sunday nights as well at 4:30. We would love to have you as a part of that. So the the point of this show is to answer the tough questions. You know, I'm hearing on social media, well, the church is not answering questions, the church is not doing this. And so, my hope for this episode is for you to see that the church is willing, a pastor is willing to answer any tough questions that you might have. And so the question today, I think is a good question is can you set boundaries, healthy boundaries, and still be a good Christian? I think universally, as Christians, we've kind of been taught or programmed, whether good or bad, uh, to kind of not have decent boundaries. And we feel like we have to allow people uh to take advantage of us because we need to be a good Christian and love others. But I think you can still love people and still set healthy boundaries. And so, can a Christian have uh healthy boundaries and still be a good Christian? Absolutely. But Christians sometimes struggle with these boundaries because we've been taught, you know, put others before yourself, turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, forgive 70 times seven, uh, love your enemies. And all those are great biblical concepts. And I'm not saying we should ignore those, but we sometimes turn those into the Bible, what the Bible never says. And that is being a good Christian means everybody gets unlimited access to me, or I can never say no, or if I forgive someone, I have to keep letting them hurt me. Uh, or if someone needs me, I have to feel obligated to help them. And so you can love someone and still tell them no. I want that to free you today. You could love someone and still tell them no. You can forgive someone and still establish a boundary. You can be compassionate without being controlled, and you can serve people without allowing them to consume you. And that's that's a struggle for me as a pastor. You know, you want to always be open and available to people. And sometimes people uh they push that boundary. Um, you know, I I work, this is my full-time job, and so usually I clock out at four o'clock. And this is not absolute, but for the most part, I try to keep meetings within that nine o'clock to four o'clock boundary. And a lot of times people will try to push that. Uh, they say, Well, I don't get off work till this. Well, I don't get off work till this. Now, they need my help, but they want me to work outside of my working hours to help them. And so I've had to establish the boundaries like, listen, there's a few things that I will say, uh, okay to, but here's the thing. If I'm saying yes outside of work hours, then I'm saying no to my family. And so I have to manage that, I have to balance that, I have to set those boundaries. Now, that's not to say, absolutely, if there's not an emergency, I won't do that. But, you know, for the most part, I don't take meetings after four o'clock. Sometimes I do on Wednesdays because Wednesdays are a church day and I'm here a little bit longer. And so I've had to set that boundary. And, you know, sometimes people don't appreciate that. Sometimes people don't understand that. But but here's the thing: you wouldn't go to a counselor and expect a counselor to meet with you outside of their schedule. You wouldn't go to Chili's and expect Chili's to be open outside of their schedule to you. So, so why do you expect that of a pastor or somebody else? And so I've had to set those healthy boundaries because ultimately my family uh deserves to have me at home. And those are some boundaries that I've had to set in my own personal life. So today I hope to bring you six key insights uh that will help you learn to say no, set healthy boundaries, all those things, and still be a good Christian. Number one, Jesus had boundaries. Jesus had boundaries. It says in Luke 5, 15 through 16, it says, but now even more of the reports about him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities, but he withdrew to a desolate place and prayed. So the crowds were growing. Uh, people were genuinely in need of Jesus. There was still sick people that needed healing, yet Jesus withdrew because he needed time with his heavenly father. And this is important someone else's need does not automatically become God's assignment for you. Someone else's needs does not automatically become God's assignment for you. Listen, you don't have to take other people's burdens. Sometimes God is doing something in their lives, and listen, God can handle it without you, He doesn't always need you uh to handle it. And so Jesus didn't allow other people's expectation to determine his priorities. Jesus knew who he was, he knew why he was here and what his father had called him to do. In Mark 1:35 through 38, it says, And rising very early in the morning while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed. And Simon and those who were with him searched for him, and they found him and said to him, Everyone is looking for you. And he said to them, Let us go to the next town that I may preach there also, for that that is why I came. So everyone was looking for Jesus. The disciples essentially told him, Everybody wants you, and Jesus says, It's time to go elsewhere. Jesus didn't allow people's expectations to replace the father's direction that he had for his life. So, how do you apply this to your life? Before you automatically say yes to someone, you have to ask these questions. Is God actually asking me to do this? Am I saying yes because I feel called or because I feel guilty from someone else's expectations? Or am I trying to obey God or keep someone else from being disappointed? Listen, I would rather disappoint somebody else than disappoint God. I always want to stay on assignment from God. The second principle today is know what you're responsible for. Know what you're responsible for. Galatians 6 12 says, bear one another's bird burdens, and so fulfills the law of Christ. Further down in verse 5, in the same passage, for each will have to bear his own load. At first, that sounds contradictory, but there is a difference between a burden and a load. Some things are too heavy to carry alone, such as griefs, crisis, tragedies, unexpected hardships. Christians should step in and help each other carry those burdens. But there are also responsibilities that belong to each other. So I can support you without taking responsibility for you. I can pray for you without making the decision for you. I can help you without rescuing you from every consequence of your decision. I can love you without allowing your choices to control my time. And so you have to understand that there's a difference between helping and enabling someone. There's a difference between helping and enabling someone. Helping says, I'll walk with you while you take responsibility. Enabling says, I'll take responsibility so you don't have to. So the key thought here is love doesn't mean taking ownership of somebody else's life. Sometimes continually rescuing someone actually prevents them from growing. Sometimes we step in and rescue someone in a time that God is trying to form them and shape them. And listen, sometimes we're not allowing God to do the work that He needs to do in other people's lives because we're stepping in to rescue them and not allowing them to feel the full weight on the consequences of the decisions that they have made. The third point today: saying no does not mean you're unloving. Saying no does not mean that you're unloving. Matthew 5.37 says, let what you say simply be yes or no. Anything more than this comes from evil. Some Christians have a problem saying no, and some someone, some have a problem saying yes. We can struggle with no and we could finally say no, but we feel like we have to explain ourselves for 10 minutes. Listen, sometimes no doesn't need an explanation. You know, I don't have to explain to people why I don't have meetings past four o'clock. Now, sometimes when they press, I will let them know. I just, you know, I know that I need to spend time with my family, and I don't always have to explain that to people. Why? Because we're trying to control how other people's response to our boundaries. We don't have to control how they respond. If they get frustrated, that's on them. That's not my responsibility. That's not for my burden to take. So a key thought here is you're responsible for communicating your boundaries with love. You're not responsible for making everybody like what you decide. And I think that's where we as Christians get hung up is we we feel like we're responsible for making everyone understand our boundaries. We don't have to understand that. We're just responsible for responding to them in love. That's all we're responsible for. Some people will be disappointed when you sound uh establish boundaries, especially people who benefit from not having any boundaries in your life. So, some examples of some healthy no's in your life. Uh, here are some good examples of some healthy no's. No, I can't take another commitment right now. Maybe you're overcommitted, you've got a lot on your plate, and that's understandable. No, I'm not going to participate in that conversation. Maybe you don't feel like the conversation's healthy. You don't have to participate in a conversation that you don't feel is healthy. No, you can't continue to speak to me that way. Sometimes people get frustrated and speak to you in a way that you don't feel as healthy, and you don't have to continue to allow someone to do that. Uh, no, I'm not going to keep covering for this behavior. No, you don't have to keep covering up for somebody when there's bad behavior. You don't have to keep doing that. No, I can't solve this problem for you. Sometimes someone brings you their problem and tries to make it your responsibility, but it's ultimately their problem. And so a Christian's no can still be spoken with Christ's heart. And that is a heart of love. So remember, you can disappoint someone without sinning against them. You can disappoint someone without sinning against them. God calls us to love one another. He doesn't call us to always cover for one another. Number four, you can love everybody without giving everybody equal access to you. You can love everybody without giving everybody equal access to you. Proverbs 4, 23. Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flows springs of life. Guarding your heart doesn't mean building a wall around it, it means being wise about what you allow to influence and shape your heart. Look at Jesus' relationships with the crowds, uh, with the disciples, the 12, Peter, James, and John, time alone with the Father. They had, he gave different levels of contact to him, and he had different levels for each level that we had. And so Jesus loved everybody, but everyone didn't have the same access to Jesus. And the same has to be true in your life. You can love everybody, but not everybody gets the same access to your heart that everybody around you does. You can love everybody without giving everyone equal access to you. Love and access are not the same thing. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Reconciliation and pretending nothing happened are not the same thing. And so let's talk about forgiveness versus trust. Forgiveness can happen in a moment. If someone asks for forgiveness, you can give them forgiveness for wronging you in a moment. But trust is built through consistent behavior over time. We are called to forgive each other. We're not always called to trust each other when you are not giving trustworthy behavior. I think sometimes we loop forgiveness and trust in the same, uh, in the same vein, and that's not the case. Uh, I can forgive someone without immediately putting myself back into an unhealthy situation. We have to allow trust to be built over time. And sometimes people think that they they should have the same amount of trust that they had before they wronged you. Uh, and and that is you truly forgiving them. And that's that's not the case. Forgiveness, when someone has hurt a relationship, you can forgive them, but trust has to be built back over time. And so forgiveness does not mean that someone has the instant access that they had before, because that is not necessarily healthy for us emotionally, because we got damaged in that process. And so we can't allow someone to be uh in uh as close as they once were. They have to build that up over time. Number five, don't use boundaries as an excuse not to love. Now, some people will take this to the extreme and say, oh, I'm setting boundaries. Well, don't use boundaries as an excuse not to love. There needs to be a balance. Boundaries can be a spiritually sounding excuse for avoidance, bitterness, unforgiveness, selfishness, punishment, refusing to deal with difficult people. Jesus consistently crossed social boundaries to reach the people that no one else did. He touched the lepers, he ate with the sinners, he spoke with the people that were socially rejected, he moved towards hurting and broken people. Listen, boundaries should protect your ability to love. They shouldn't be an excuse to stop loving people. You know, I don't know if I should say this, but I'm going to. It's my podcast, I can say it. Uh, but what I've experienced in my time as pastor is sometimes churches use boundaries as a way not to love the people that we're called to love. Listen, one thing I know about church is everyone is allowed to come into church. Now, not everyone is allowed to serve at certain levels of the church. Yes, we have to protect leadership, but church is a place that all are allowed. And sometimes churches, we have made it seem, uh, and why people don't want that to necessarily be a part of us, we've made it seem like you have to clean yourself up before you come into church. And we've made that seem like a boundary, but really it's unloving. Jesus never told somebody, hey, go get clean and then come to me. Jesus went to them while they were still unclean. Jesus went to them while they were yet sinners. And so sometimes as a church, we hide behind boundaries of, oh, well, you know, God calls us to this, God calls us to that. Well, what if they need to walk through the doors of your church to hear the truth of what their life needs to be, and we limit them from ever walking into our church so they're never going to hear the word of God. Listen, church, people don't need to clean themselves up before they come into your church. That's not a healthy boundary. God calls us to love each other. The boundaries are set once they are inside the church, once they are a part of us. That's when we set the healthy boundaries with them. And sometimes we keep people at an arm's distance when Jesus calls us to bring them in. And so before setting a boundary, ask, am I protecting something healthy or am I trying to punish someone? There's the difference between I need distance because this relationship has become unhealthy and you hurt me, so I'm going to make you hurt. One is the boundary, the other is revenge. And so, point number six, the last point. This is where the uh the practical things come in today. How do I set healthy boundaries as a Christian? How do I set healthy boundaries as a Christian? Number one, be clear. People cannot respect boundaries you never communicate. Instead of saying you need to stop yelling at me, try. If you begin yelling or insulting me, I'm going to end this conversation and we can talk another time when you calm down. The key distinction: control tells somebody else what they have to do. A boundary decides what you will do. Number two, be consistent. People may test new boundaries, especially if they are not accustomed to the old version if they are accustomed to the old version of you. Don't establish a boundary and abandon it every time somebody gets upset. Be consistent. When you set a boundary, stay consistent with this. This is one thing as a pastor. You know, we we as we grow, we have to set new new boundaries, new new things, and and people get upset. But the thing is, is we say, well, I'm sorry that you're upset, but we're going to do this anyway, because it's a boundary that needs to be set, not only to protect other people, to protect the church, uh, and to keep the church moving forward. Number three, don't let guilt make your decisions. Don't let guilt make your decisions. Feeling guilty doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong. Sometimes guilt is conviction, but sometimes guilt is simply discomfort because you're learning to say no. Sometimes you just you have some guilt because you're learning to say no. And so you can disappoint someone without sinning against them. Some of you really need to hear that today. You can disappoint somebody without sinning against them. Number four, release people to God. You are not somebody's Holy Spirit. You cannot make someone change, you cannot make someone apologize, you can make not make someone become responsible for what they've done to you. You cannot make someone follow Jesus. You cannot fix everyone's life. Here's what you can do: you can pray for them, you can love them, you can speak truth into their life, you can help them when it's appropriate, and ultimately you can point them towards Jesus. But sometimes you have to say, God, they're yours. I can't do what only you can do. God, you have to look at them and say, Sometimes, God, they're yours. I can't do what only you can do. Sometimes we just have to release people to God. And let me tell you, that's one of the hardest things for me as a pastor, because there's been times uh that people that I love very dearly I've had to let the let go and just release them to God and say, God, you're gonna have to do in them what I cannot do. Um, there's there's a few, there's a handful of people in my life that I've had to do that with. Um, and ultimately there was nothing I could say, nothing I could do that could mend the relationship. And I ultimately just had to say, God, this is yours. I'm just gonna have to let you handle this. And let me tell you, that's sometimes one of the hardest things to do. You just have to let them go because you've done everything that you can do, and you can't keep killing yourself over the situation. All you can do is say, God, they're yours. I've forgiven them, I've moved on. And one day, if they come back, we'll establish the relationship. But if they never come back, it's okay. And so, in closing, can a good Christian set boundaries? Absolutely. But Christian boundaries should always have Christ's uh Christian purpose, not revenge, punishment, bitterness, or superiority, but love, wisdom, truth, and stewardship. And so you don't have to set boundaries because you don't love people. Sometimes you have to set boundaries so you can love people without allowing unhealthy relationships to control your life. Sometimes, as Christians, we allow unhealthy relationships to control our lives. Uh, and that's not what God calls us to do. It it actually keeps us from being effective to reach out to other people around us. And and sometimes we allow people that that kind of suck the life out of us, uh, make it to where we're not quite as effective for Christ as we once could be. So let me encourage you today. If you're out there and you're like, Pastor, you know, uh, I have people that are close to me. Uh, you know, I talk to people that that feel um like they have to be there for their parents or they have to be there for for wayward kids. Listen, you can't change people. All you can do is love them, but you cannot allow your relationship with them to destroy your life while they are continuing to destroy theirs. You have to take care of you. You can love someone without allowing your love for them to destroy your life. That's not, that's never what God intended. God just wants us to love them. And sometimes you have to allow God to do the work in their life. And sometimes you have to allow them to feel the full weight of the decisions that they've made. And listen, that's hard to do because you love people and you want to save them, you want to rescue them. But sometimes God is doing a big work in their life, and sometimes you just need to allow that full weight of that responsibility, of that decision they make to rest on them, and you can't do anything about it. So that's it for today. Was so good to have you with us today. Hey, if you enjoy this, like I said, like, share, subscribe, uh, wherever you're listening to this, share it with your friends. Drop a comment if you have a question. I'd love to answer uh your questions, and I'd love to uh I'd love to to answer any questions that you you have. Like I said, this is a ministry of Hope Church in Cleaver. And so if you'd like to give to this, you can go to Hope ChurchCleaver.com uh and give. I I tell you, all of your all of your gifts help fuel the amazing work that the Lord is doing around this place, and this is just one product of that. Uh, if you don't have a church, we'd love to have you. We've got two locations, one in Meridian. They meet at 1030, one here in Cleburn uh at 9.30 and 11, and one to come here pretty quick uh in Alvaredo, Texas. So uh God is on the move and we're excited about what he's doing. But hey, hope you have an awesome uh day. I know it's the first day of school for us here in Cleaver. So I hope I hope your day is awesome. Uh, and I hope to see you next time on Ask a Pastor.