What Does The Bible Say About Divorce? | Ask A Pastor Ep. 21

Divorce is one of those topics that’s easy to talk about—until it becomes personal. Behind the word are real marriages, families, children, betrayal, disappointment, abuse, regret, and pain. So what does the Bible actually say about divorce?

In this episode of Ask A Pastor, we take an honest and compassionate look at what Scripture teaches about marriage, divorce, sexual immorality, abandonment, abuse, and remarriage. We explore God’s design for marriage as a lifelong covenant, why Scripture acknowledges divorce in a broken world, and the biblical grounds for divorce that Christians have historically recognized.

We also tackle some of the harder questions: What about abuse? Does having biblical grounds for divorce mean you should get divorced? Can trust be rebuilt after betrayal? What if you’re already divorced or remarried? And how should the church walk alongside people whose marriages have experienced deep brokenness?

This conversation is about holding truth and grace together. We don’t want to lower God’s standard for marriage, but we also don’t want to use Scripture as a weapon against people who have experienced painful circumstances. Marriage matters. Covenant matters. Obedience matters. And grace matters too.

Whether you’re married, struggling, separated, divorced, or remarried, the gospel still applies to you. Wherever your story has taken you, Jesus is still able to redeem what’s broken and lead you forward.

Don’t just ask what culture says. Don’t just ask what you feel. Ask what Scripture says—and then have the courage to follow Jesus.

Have a question about faith, the Bible, Christianity, relationships, or something you’ve always wondered but never knew who to ask? Send it in for a future episode of Ask A Pastor.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

What is up, everybody? Welcome back to another episode of Ask a Pastor. So awesome to be back with you today. Uh, the heart of this show is to answer the tough questions. Um, I hear all over the world and all over social media today that the church is not answering the difficult questions. So, my heart for this show is to show everybody that, hey, I'm a normal pastor uh of a pretty normal church, I'd like to think. And I'm out here answering your questions uh live on the air. So if you are interested in me um answering your questions, you can send them in and drop them in the comments. Send them to me, pastor Todd at hopechurchcleaver.com. Would love to answer your questions. Uh, and I would also love to have you here at church if you're in the area. But if you love the show, like, subscribe, share all the things that everybody tells you to do. You know how to do those things. Uh, so do them today. So let's get into it. Pretty, pretty weighty topic today. It's it's one that I get asked about a lot because it's not really a problem until it is a problem. Uh, and so, you know, the I I've been asked this several times, and and it this is a this is a very nuanced answer today. And the question is, what does the Bible say about divorce? What does the Bible say about divorce? And, you know, like I said, it's it's not necessarily things that people necessarily think about until it's right in the middle of their lap. And so divorce is one of those topics that's easy to talk about until it becomes personal. We're not just talking theology, we're talking about marriages, family, kids, betrayal, disappointment, abuse, regret, pain, all of those emotions are wrapped up into this topic. Chances are divorce has either affected you or someone that you know. Two things that I want to do today. Number one is I I want, I don't want to water down the scripture, uh, what the scripture says about marriage. Uh, I think the scripture values uh marriage and it values marriage forever, but I also don't want to use the scripture as a weapon against people who have walked through very painful circumstances. Uh and so, you know, in answering the question, uh, what does the Bible say about divorce? It's it is very complicated. And, you know, I have to tread lightly because there are people that I know and love that have gone through this very um very thing. And so I have 10 points that I hope to bring to you uh today and get it in the 20-minute time limit that uh I hope for. We'll see how well I do today. But number one, God's design for marriage is permanent. So first we have to understand before we get to anything about divorces that God's design for marriage is to be permanent. Um and the Pharisees asked Jesus about divorce in Matthew 19. Um, just it just doesn't start with Moses, he goes back to creation. So in Matthew 19, 4 through 6, Jesus said he answered, Have you not read that the one who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God is joined together, let no man separate. Marriage isn't simply a contract. You know, something that drives me insane today is when people say, Oh, marriage is just a piece of paper. I don't have to actually really be married. No, marriage is serious to God. Marriage is a covenant. Uh, there are two things that the Bible talks about a lot, uh, as far as covenant goes. That's our covenant relationship with Jesus, which is actually the relationship that gets us to heaven, and the marriage relationship. And so two people become one flesh. Uh, you know, this we we think instantly, uh, you know, especially as dudes, we think physically, uh, but you also become one uh spiritually as well. And you become one as far as your finances, you become one as far as your time. Uh, and so God's original intention was never for that union to be divorced. And so God's intention was lifelong covenant. Uh, and that's why that's why divorce is so painful, even in the most terrible of circumstances. Uh, divorce is still painful. Why? Because uh this is what um God intended for us all uh to be together with each other forever. So, number two, the Bible acknowledges divorce because it acknowledges brokenness. The Bible acknowledges uh divorce because it it's it acknowledges brokenness. So Matthew 19, 7 through 8, they said to him, Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send the other away? He said to them, Because of your hard heart or hardness of your heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wife, but from the beginning it was not so. Important distinction. So Moses allowed divorce. Moses didn't command divorce. Deuteronomy 24 uh relegates something already had happened. So uh Deuteronomy 24, 1 says, When a man takes a wife and marries her, if he finds no favor in her eyes, because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of the house. Listen, God wasn't celebrating divorce, he was regulating something that was happening because of human brokenness. Jesus tells us uh the root of the issue. He said, the root of the issue is our hard-heartedness. So sin enters a relationship, you know, through betrayal, selfishness, abandonment, hardeness of heart, uh, and broken trust. Listen, divorce is not God's design, but scripture acknowledges divorce as a reality in a broken world that we live in. The reality is we as people are selfish. The reality is we as people are are unfortunately, we have to deal with the brokenness that's inside of us. And unfortunately, when we get into marriage, sometimes some of the greatest brokenness is is is shown in us because when we become one flesh with each other, uh it is it is something that we have to deal with, the brokenness of each other. And if we don't overcome those things and come to terms with those things, uh, then it is something that is very difficult for us uh to deal with. So number three, does the Bible give biblical grounds for divorce? Does the Bible give biblical grounds for divorce? Uh it does. And so one of it is sexual immorality. In Matthew 19, 9, it says, and I say to you, whoever divorces his wife except for sex immorality and marries another commits adultery. So, you know, basically the Bible tells us that sexual immorality, so anything that is sex outside of uh the marriage bed. Scholars debate exactly how broad the word should be interpreted. Some interpret it narrowly, some others see it as referring to broadly to serious sexual or marital unfaithfulness. Uh, but the main point is this sexual betrayal is devastatingly violating to a marriage covenant. And so Jesus recognized recognizes that uh reality. Now, in this case, divorce is permitted, but it's not required. Restoration after infidelity, it can happen. Now, I'm not saying it's easy, I'm not saying it comes over uh night, but the gospel can bring forgiveness and it can bring healing. But there's an important recon distinction here. Reconciliation can be pursued uh without saying reconciliation is always possible. You can pursue reconciliation even if it's not possible. But I think, you know, especially if you've been married with someone a long time and and um infidelity happens, um, you know, I always encourage people to see if reconciliation is possible. It's not always possible, uh, but see if it's possible because whether or not it was right, whether or not it was wrong, it of course it was wrong. Divorce always hurts somebody, especially if you got kids. It's going to be hurtful. And so is the hurt of the divorce on you and everybody around you, is that greater than getting over what has happened? And listen, I can't I can't make that decision for you, but that's something that always has to be considered. Number four, Paul addresses, also addresses abandonment. Abandonment is also uh biblical grounds for divorce. First Corinthians seven addresses a believer married to an unbeliever. Paul first instructs uh uh don't divorce someone simply because you don't share the same faith. First Corinthians seven, twelve through thirteen says, if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with him and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. Paul also addresses what happens if an um if the unbelieving spouse leaves. First Corinthians 7 15 says, But if an unbelieving partner separates, it let it be so. In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. Two explicit biblical grounds uh for divorce are traditionally recognized. Number one, sexual immorality. Number two, abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. But this leaves a harder question, and that's number five today. What about abuse? This is the one that I get asked about a lot. What about abuse? This is where we have to be incredibly careful as pastors and as Christians. Questions immediately come up. Well, what if my spouse is abusive? What about if my spouse is addicted? What about someone who hasn't physically left but has essentially abandoned the marriage? Christians disagree about exactly how these situations fit within the biblical text. But there's two common approaches. One is some limit biblical grounds strictly to sexual immorality and abandonment. Other believers uh believe extreme covenant violations may constitute abandonment, such as abuse, violence, severe neglect, uh destructive addiction, or other forms of functional abandonment. So, where there shouldn't be disagreement, the Bible teaches the Bible's teaching about marriage should never be used to force someone to remain in imminent danger. So if someone is being abused, the first question isn't how do we save your marriage? The first question is how do we get you safe? Separation from safety and divorce are not necessarily the same in the same decision. Establish safety first, then work through the larger question prayer. Can counsel, pastoral counseling, professional counseling, wisdom. Listen, here's the key in this, especially in abuse. Marriage is sacred, but protecting the covet of marriage does not require protecting someone's ability to abuse their spouse. Listen, there may go through seasons where there has to be separation, uh, and there doesn't necessarily have to be divorce while uh some counseling and things uh go on. But the difficult question, um, the difficult question becomes at what point um is it apparent that maybe someone is is not wanting to get better? And that's that's where the tough questions have to be answered. And I encourage you, if you're going through that, seek out your pastor, seek out a counselor, um, and just truly ask them the tough questions and really seek the Lord and see what he would say. But number six, if there are biblical grounds, does that mean you should get divorced? My answer to you as a pastor is no. As a pastor, I never suggest to people that they should get a divorce. I believe the Bible tells me that what God has put together, let no man separate. Um, I've always counseled people that, you know, hey, you're at a tough decision here, but counseling someone to divorce is something that I could never do, no matter what is going on, uh, because I don't believe uh that the Bible tells me to do that. But something can be permissible without being preferable. Where genuine repentance exists, reconciliation can always be powerful. The gospel can transform incredibly broken marriage. But reconciliation requires more than I'm sorry, it requires repentance, accountability, change of behavior, rebuilding trust, counseling, time. But forgiveness can be given, but trust has to be rebuilt. And that takes time. Trust, rebuilding trust in a marriage, rebuilding trust with each other happens over time. And some people aren't just willing to put in the time that it takes to get there. Forgiveness and reconciliation aren't identical. You can forgive someone before the relationship is ever fully restored. Number seven today, what if I'm already divorced? I know some of you are listening today and you're like, man, I'm already divorced and I feel terrible. This may be the important part of the most important part of the episode, okay? People hear teaching about divorce and immediately think, well, it's too late for me. Maybe you've you initiated it, you didn't initiate it, maybe you had biblical grounds, maybe you didn't, maybe you've remarried, maybe your former spouse is very married, maybe you're looking back, you you know you made a mistake. Here's what I want you to hear today. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. The gospel is for divorced people too. Uh, if there is sin involved, repent, receive God's forgiveness, learn from it, move forward in obedience. 1 John 1 9 says, if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Your past does not disqualify you from God's grace. If you've remarried, don't destroy another marriage trying to undo the past. Honor the covenant that you are in now. Love your spouse now. Follow Jesus now. Let God redeem your story. So, what about remarriage? This is another question that I get asked about a lot a lot from uh divorced people. What about remarriage? Another area where Christians have historically disagreed is on remarriage after divorce. Matthew 19, 9 says, And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality and marries another, commits adultery. Jesus gives a serious warning about divorce simply uh to marry someone else. Paul describes marriage as a covenant that ordinarily lasts until death. Romans 7, 2 through 3 says, For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives. But if if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives with another man while her husband is alive. But if her husband dies, she is free from that law. And if she marries another man, she is not an adulteress. Uh so Christians disagree. Some believe remarriage is permissible after a biblically legitimate divorce. Others interpret these passages more restrictively. So what is important to know is this is where we need both conviction and humility. Don't navigate a complicated situation through TikTok, through Google, through social media opinions, because your story matters. Sit down with a mature spiritual leader, let them hear the whole situation, and let them walk you through scripture as you try to navigate this situation. And trust me, this has happened. Um, this can happen. And so my mom and dad, my dad was divorced before he met my mom, and they did this very thing. They went to their pastor and asked um, what would it be biblically okay for them to get married? And their pastor looked at the situation, talked them through it, uh, and they felt that they were completely legitimate uh for getting uh to be to be remarried after my father had been divorced. And so, you know, these things happen all the time. Um, but find Christian leaders in your life and tell them your situation because here's the problem: not all situations are the same. So when I teach like this, it can't be a blanket statement uh because I don't know your situation and I don't know what's going on with you. But know that divorce is not the unforgivable sin. So, what should I do if I'm thinking about divorce? Don't make permanent decisions in the middle of temporary emotions. Unless you're in danger, slow down, talk to your pastor, find a good Christian marriage counselor, bring mature believers into the situation, pray, examine yourself, not just your spouse, because usually in a marriage, we are an expert on how our spouse needs to be better when God calls us to be experts on how we need to be a better spouse. Examine yourself and ask if reconciliation is possible. First Corinthians 7, 10 through 11 said to the married, I give this charge, not I, but the Lord. The wife should be should not separate from her husband, but if she does, she should remain unmarried uh or else be reconciled to her husband, and her husband should not divorce his wife. The Christian posture should lean towards reconciliation when reconciliation is healthy, safe, and genuinely possible. Why? Because the gospel is ultimately a story of reconciliation. Listen, the gospel is ultimately Jesus being reconciled to his people. And so if we truly believe that Jesus can reconcile and reconcile us to himself, then why don't we think that Jesus can reconcile two broken people back together? Listen today. If you're struggling in your marriage, I truly believe through the power of the Holy Spirit that God can reconcile you and bring you two back together. Find somebody to help you, find somebody to invest with you, invest in you. And I truly believe that God can reconcile you guys back together. And 10, last point today, the church has to get better at this. Ultimately, the church has to get better at this. Two opposite mistakes the church makes treating divorce so casually that marriage barely seems like a covenant. And two, treating divorced people like second-class Christians. Neither reflects the heart of Jesus. The church should have an incredibly high view of marriage, fight for marriage, teach biblical marriage before people get married, provide strong premarital counseling, help struggling couples early, create space for counseling and register or recognition restoration, walk with people when marriage ends, provide truth, grace, community, healing, restoration. But a final thought on this is we don't lower God's standards in order to extend grace. And we don't withhold grace in order to defend God's standards. Jesus gives us both. And so I want to encourage you if you're going through a difficult marriage, we actually have a resource here at Hope Church. You can get our website, go to our groups page. We actually have uh a couple, uh an awesome couple that is leading a marriage group. Uh, and and it actually breaks out into smaller marriage groups. We have a bunch of couples that are leading this, actually. Uh, and we have a great resource that you can come. They meet every other week, I think the first, second Sundays at 4:30 of the month. It's free of charge to you. And so if you are struggling in your marriage, come to this small group. And I truly believe we have seen couples that marriages have been put back together through this group, simply just being around God's people and hearing wisdom from those people. So, in conclusion today, what does the Bible say about divorce? God's design is for marriage to be lifelong. Divorce exists because we live in a broken world with broken people. Spirit scripture explicitly recognizes sexual immorality and abandonment by an unbeliever as biblical grounds for divorce. Difficult situations require wisdom, such as abuse, neglect, addictions, other forms of covenant breaking. Faithful Christians may disagree about exactly how of those situations fit within the scriptures, but they deserve more than blanket answers. They deserve wisdom, prayer, pastoral care, and safety when necessary. But whatever your story is, whether you're married, struggling, separated, divorced, remarried, the gospel still applies to you. Marriage matters, covenant matters, obedience matters, but grace matters too. And whatever your wherever your story is taking you, Jesus is still able to redeem what's broken and lead you forward. So in closing today, I just want to encourage you today. God loves marriages. If you're struggling in your marriage, reach out to me. I'd love to get you some help. Like I said, we have a small group. I offer a little bit of marriage counseling. I'd love to help you with that uh as well. We're cheering your marriage on. And listen, we don't believe that there's any marriage out there that's unsavable. We believe in a God that heals broken people, and we believe that God can redeem all things. So thanks for being with me today on Ask a Pastor. It was so good uh to have you. Like I say, every episode, if you don't have a church to belong to, we have two locations here at Hope Church Cleburn uh meets Sunday at 9 30 and 11. We have Meridian that meets at 10:30 with an Alvaredo location coming very soon. If you have enjoyed this episode and you'd like to sew into this ministry, uh go to Hope ChurchCleburn.com, click the giving tab. Hope Church Cleburne is the one that actually uh funds this show. Uh, and if if it's been a blessing to you, you can go and sew into it there, and we would appreciate it so greatly. Of course, it's 100% tax deductible because we're a nonprofit. But thank you for being with us today, and we will see you next time on Ask a Pastor.