Hello. 2024. We made it. We made it, guys. If you are newly bereaved or if this year was a particularly heavy or grief wise, the holidays can feel so burdensome and can leave us with a grief hangover. At the start of the year. So how is your grief hangover? If that's the first time that you've heard this term, it's sort of like emotional fallout. You just feel scrambled, low energy, stressed. Even for those of us that have suffered a traumatic loss, you could also feel that dread come January 1st. That dread of, gosh, what am I going to lose this year? And it's not even to be negative. It's just that protective side of us that's trying to keep us safe. That part of our brain that's like, All right, let's get ready for whatever's next. There's this lull of energy when the year starts, at least for some of us. Right. I'll tell you, this year was the fifth Christmas. I'm sorry. The fifth? Yeah. Christmas and New Year after my brother passed. Sometimes I still get screwed up with the times, but he passed in September 2019. So we immediately hit the holidays right after. And although it has not been five years, this is still the fifth holiday. And so we've had a few holidays under our belt, and it was the first one that I decided to be a little bit more social just because it's fair to my husband who has been with me and my family through the holidays over the past few years. And I wanted to reciprocate some of that energy that he's invested in our relationship because of my grief. So he has a much bigger family than I do with very different dynamics, and that could take a toll on me, especially. He has so many siblings on his mother and father's side and I love every single one of them and I enjoy spending time with them in their company. But it I can't help it. It reminds me of how much I miss my brother. So whenever I'm with them and they're having a great time and they're remembering childhood memories and they're high fiving and dancing with each other and celebrating and having a good time and cheering through the new year. It just makes the void for me that much louder. And does that mean I resent them or anything? Absolutely not. But it is a reality. This is part of that duality of grief. That grief, as I always say, is not this or that. It's this and that. So in that, this and that scenario, it feels a little bit bittersweet to witness so much love, knowing that you'll never have that and knowing, for example, in my case that a lot of his siblings have children and playing auntie with his family side is beautiful. And also a reminder that I'll never have that with any of my own. My brother didn't have children. So gosh, the spectrum of emotions at any given time. As much as we talk about grief and as open as I like to be about it, I also respect that there is beauty in partaking in the joy. And that's one of the things I would like to address now in season two. So we're officially starting season two and I'll get to what to expect in season two. I'm very excited. Being able to hold space for joy is equally as important in grief, especially if you've been past the initial stage of grief or the initial few years that are just pure survival mode for so many of us. So I feel that I've reached a point past the survival mode and now we're getting into the OC. Where was I am? How do I rebuild from here phase? Right. I had a beautiful time with my husband's family and they love to dance. They make amazing food and they love to laugh and they're very, very joyous people culturally and just as a family. And so I was able to partake in that. But there was a point when you had the countdown. So it's like three, two, one and Happy New Year and everybody's hugging and that I don't know if you've ever seen in the movies when the loud room goes really quiet and everything kind of goes into slow motion. So that's a little bit of what it feels like. It just feels like being very alone in a very crowded space. And something interesting happened this year. We were at my husband's father's bar and lounge. They were in a restaurant with a bar and lounge space that they hosted, ah, his family for the holidays. And when it came time to bring in the new year and after all the hugs, probably around like 5 minutes past midnight, I was sitting in one of the chairs staring at the TV, looking at the fireworks and the New Year's display for New York City, which is what was on the television. And I was kind of zoned out. I didn't even realize I was zoned out. But one of my sister in law's. She comes up to me and she says, Thank you for being here. I know this is not easy for you. And I really felt like she was the only person that saw me in that moment. It was very special. It meant the world. I don't think I thanked her for it. I was caught a little bit off guard by it, but it was loud and everybody's cheering. And I just said, Thank you so much. And I didn't explain how important her acknowledgment was to me. And in that moment, I start reflecting on the fact that my parents aren't there, my brother is not there. My parents are spending the holidays by themselves just because we were in a different city. And it dawned on me that this is just the new reality and it's still so painful, no matter how many years go by. So in that moment, I get a little sad and I'm sitting there staring at the television, just kind of zoning out again and thinking of my brother. And the camera suddenly pans out to this woman who is making a hand gesture, like a happy, celebratory hand gesture that my brother used to make. And it was just in that moment. And I love those synchronicities because it just felt like him saying, I see you and I'm right here. And those moments are so incredibly powerful. So that's just what life looks like now. This is life in the part of grief in that after there's like a solid line, a solid break in continuity from what your life was to what it is now. And this is the after. In all its glory. So with season one being, if you heard my last episode, it was an exploration. I explained how it started as an exploration and it evolved into this platform and a resource for others. So I was reflecting on where do I want to take season two? And season two feels very important because it feels more deliberate. And I'm going to have special guests who share their stories uniquely. I'm going to be doing more solo episodes, and I want to focus on what I want to call the anatomy of grief, because at the end of the day, grief is so misunderstood. It's such a common experience. But because it's so avoided, it's so misunderstood. And that avoidance yields space for a lot of people to interpret it so differently and misinterpret it's more often than not. And then you add the element of the medical field, making it a pathology so they can prescribe medication or treat it a certain way according to their guidelines. Unfortunately, grief doesn't fit into guidelines. It doesn't have boundaries. We can set arbitrary boundaries for ourselves, but grief spills over onto everything and everyone around us in one way or another. And this is the part that I want to explore. I want to give it a voice. And in my own exploration, I realized that I thought my grief experience was universal. I thought what I was experiencing, everybody experienced until I started attending grief groups and having one on one conversations and reading books and really seeing that the experience is so different, it's so nuanced. And even though much of the experience can be very similar, it's process differently depending on what your background is. So for example, if your family is a family that thinks emotions are a sign of weakness, you're going to process grief differently than a family that embraces emotions for what it is, where vulnerability could actually be a strength. As Brené Brown says, we're going to explore all of this. But before we go deep, I realize there is a significant need for a lot of people to understand what exactly is grief. If you ask ten people what is grief, they will likely give you ten different answers. Each person will give you their own different answer. So how can we define grief when nobody can really agree on what it is? The closest thing the closest thing to an agreement is that grief is a natural and normal response to loss. And I agree with this definition because at the end of the day, that's exactly what it is. Some people want to categorize it into a disorder or a reaction or something to be bypassed by. Quite frankly, it's a very normal response to loss. And this is why there's such a dissonance when we try to fix it. There is nothing to fix. This is normal. So how do we move forward? How do we understand what's happening? How do we process the emotions? How do we separate grief from, let's say, bereavement and mourning and early grief versus later grief? And how do we fit all of this within the context of our religious teachings or our cultural understandings or family dynamics, work dynamics? How do we fit all of these different pieces? I was having this conversation with an amazing psychologist today who is going to be a guest on my podcast, and we were talking about how so much of the suffering in grief is how other people treat us because they don't understand what grief is. That's what I try to communicate in the I believe it was episode two of the first season where it's the pain is going to be there, but the suffering is optional. And a lot of the things that were painful besides the fact that my brother died, for example, was the things people said to you just out of nature, the discomfort with their own feelings, their attempt to help, but not knowing what to say or how to say it. So, for example, day three, after my brother died, I remember somebody said to me, Well, you know, he wants you to be happy, so you really have to get over it. And it would be a good idea if you and your husband have a child, because that's the only thing that's going to make your parents happy. This is day three. And even if it was day 300, that's still not appropriate. Right. So it's like how how do we get this so wrong as a society and how is it that the person who has suffered this incredible loss and is going to have to relearn how to live in the after? On top of all, that has to deal with the comments, often well-meaning from different people and the lack of support from, let's say, workplaces or society or even our own family. So breaking these down into different areas. And what do I mean by that? The anatomy of grief. What is it? First, defining it, addressing our own biases, like really taking a mirror to ourselves and understanding that how we deal with grief and how we define grief has everything to do with how we were brought up and where we live and what our belief system is. So if I believe, for example, that grief is something that takes a really long time to get over, then that's the filter with which I will view grief and other people. Now, if you have somebody that says Grief is something I need to muscle through within a month, then that's the lens with which they will view the world and other grievances. And we're judging people's grief all the time, even though we say that it's okay to grieve however you want. Subconsciously we impose our beliefs and other people, and this can be very difficult for many people. So we're going to explore that. We're going to explore the difference between early grief and long term grief. What is helpful versus unhelpful? How it's useful to say no often in your grief. How to give ourselves permission to grieve, what rituals we can employ? How do we build support circles? Who is this new person? Who is this new you? How to get to know ourselves within the context of grief and what to do when our own family hurts us. And one thing that happens often is realizing the fragility of life, like really, really understanding in depth how fragile life is and how suddenly we fear losing more people in the context of grief. So there's all these elements to it that it's not just the loss, it's everything that happens thereafter. And how do we deal with this? What's normal? What's not normal? What does that even mean in the context of grief? We're going to explore all of this along with sharing beautiful stories from people of all walks of life. And this is something that I do want to highlight, because the way that I approach my interviews is I'm providing a space for my guests to share their truth as they understand it. And because I honor that there is no one way to grieve, that also means that people have very different belief systems. For example, you're going to hear from some of my guests how some of them use plant based medicine to walk the path forward in their healing process. You'll hear how other people use religious beliefs like Christianity or Judaism or any other belief system that serves them in their grief, or how other people hang on to astrology and how astrology can help somebody with grief. And my job is not to tell them what's right or wrong. My job is to honor their truth, lead from a place of curiosity and lead from a place of like, what do you mean by that? And how did that help you? And if it helped you, I'm sure it's going to help somebody else. This season, we're leading with even more curiosity. I'm going to be sharing a lot of stories and a lot of people who have different perspectives on how they've walked, their grief path forward and what worked for them and what didn't. And I hope that even if you have your own belief systems, invite you to be open to these stories. And even if they're very different from what you've known, try to get something out of it, or at least try to see what they have in common. I think it's fascinating. I think at the end of the day, we're all doing our best to figure this out. We're all doing our best to figure this out. And the more we support each other, the more open we are, the more we can get takeaways and help each other figure this out and even gain something for ourselves. Another goal that I have is to create a grief informed society. World really is my ultimate goal is to create a grief informed world. Grief is such an integral part of our human experience and it's so misunderstood. So I want to bring words to your awareness, share some of the studies, share some of the data, and share one on one personal experiences from different people of all walks of life. I also want to share some frameworks that centers and organizations and people have defined that are very useful. These can be very useful tools. For example, the Duggee Center in Portland, Oregon, where I used to live many years ago, the Duggee Center has the ten core principles of being grief informed. They have defined ten core principles that I'll share with you here. And it says. Who become grief. Inform begins with the initial step of identifying and embracing ten core principles about grief. These core principles involve recognizing what grief is and best practices for supporting people who are grieving. So the ten core principles are one. Grief is natural. Loss is a normal, inevitable and universal human experience. People have an innate capacity to adapt to loss and function healthily. Two is complex and non pathological. Grief is an adaptive, non pathological response to loss, so it's a adaptive normal response to loss. Grief is complex and complicated because people and relationships are complex and complicated. So I always say there's the pain of the reality of the loss, and then there's the suffering. Suffering is like the icing on the crappy cake we were dealt, right? Like the extra stuff. And the extra stuff is the complexities that are added to our grief because of where we come from, our relationships, our belief system, or our culture, religion, and how that evolves with our human experience. Number three is contextual. Grief is not solely an individual experience. Grief is interwoven in a socio cultural context, influenced by family, community and other social systems. Acknowledging and addressing the social, cultural and historical factors that impact grief can reduce disparities and promote equity and inclusion. Number four is disruptive grief challenges are identity, relationships, beliefs and assumptions about the world and our role in it. Number five Relational connection and perceived support. So having people who care and support us after a loss helps us navigate the changes in our lives. Feeling heard and having people to share with us know we're not alone in our grief. So having that support system is key. Number six, Personal Empowerment and agency. This is a huge one. Experiencing loss and grief can make us feel helpless or out of control. Choosing our own healthy responses rather than what others tell us to do or not to do can help us regain a sense of balance and a person agency. So regaining agency regaining what little bit of control you have after a major devastating loss is hugely important. And defining our boundaries, defining our own grief, truth is extremely important as well. Imagine if I listen to every single person's advice after my brother died. Get over it. Have a baby. Move on. It's just my life would look very different and it would be very reactive. So regaining regaining that sense of agency is very important. Safety is number seven. Experiencing loss challenges. Our sense of safety in the world, paying attention to our physical, emotional and spiritual needs will help us cope with all of the changes that happen after loss. Number eight is person centered. The intensity and experience of grief are unique for every individual. I learned this the hard way because, for example, in the grief groups, the sibling grief groups that I attended, my brother and I were very close. I loved my brother. I was never angry at him following his passing. I was not resentful, and yet I was shocked when other siblings expressed their anger, frustration, resentment, and sometimes address their sibling who passed in a very harsh way, in my opinion. And that was very jarring because I was like, How can you be sad if you're that angry? And then it dawned on me that it's all a part of it. It's I believe sadness is the underlying core emotion beneath anger. If you dig deep enough that pain, that sadness is manifested in different ways. And not every sibling has a loving relationship. So many relationships are complicated. They're layered. You're grieving that. Some siblings are grieving the fact that they never got to resolve their issues before their person passed. Grief as person center varies by person, and this is extremely important to honor and acknowledge. Number nine is dynamic. The dynamic nature of grief cannot be fully captured by stage, phase or other prescriptive models. There are no universally acceptable or quote unquote correct ways to grieve humans like processes. So steps one, two, three on how to get rid of grief. You know, unfortunately, life doesn't work that way. Grief certainly doesn't work that way. This particular information provided by the Digi Center does not state this is what I'm about to say. It's my own opinion. But for example, the Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross's stages of grief were never meant to be prescriptive for following the death of a loved one or of a person. It and I'm not going to go into this I actually made an episode on season one about this, but she even said that her research was not based for this use. It has been misused in the context of grief and loss following the death of a person, and this has done more of a disservice than it has done a service. A lot of people go through the stages in one day and then they feel like something's wrong with them. It's just that this was never meant to be used this way. So it's a tool being misused in the context of grief. There is no one size fits all. There's no model. There's no, Hey, you got to stage five and you're done. It doesn't work that way. So what does work then? How do we tailor help for individuals? We're going to go into all of that. And then lastly, grief is non finite, so loss is interwoven into our identity. Therefore, grieving is not a finite experience. Grief doesn't have some magical end point. We can grieve someone throughout our entire lives. One of the scariest things in my experience was that I hit week six after my brother died and I was like, Why am I not feeling better? And then it dawned on me, this is a lifelong thing, and it's not going to feel this intense and jagged and painful and sharp, but it's something that you remember for the rest of your life as a griever. It is something that I wish other people understood. So, for example, I had a colleague who said, Oh, I can't believe my grandma still talks about my grandpa. He died 20 years ago. I can't believe she's still sad. And. That to somebody who hasn't lost a person? Maybe sounds like a logical argument. Maybe. But when you've lost someone 20 years, 100 years, two years, two days, it's all the same grief time, which is something I will talk about in a later episode. Grief time is non-linear. Grief time does not follow a linear timeline. There's no clock, there's no calendar. Grief time is separate from linear time, and that's extremely important for us to understand, especially if we are looking to support one another. So we're going to go into all of these facts and the list that I just read about the ten core principles of being grief informed by the Dougy Center, I'll link it in the show notes is very useful information and it's provided by the Dougy Centers. With all that being said, I welcome you to season two. Thank you for being here. This will be much more focused on tangible information that you could use to understand grief that you could use to support others, support yourself, to show yourself grace, to make sense of so much of this that doesn't make sense to see how it evolves. As you evolve, grief evolves with us. My grief, you're one is not the grief that I'm feeling now. It's completely different, but it's grief nonetheless. And so grief to me is this umbrella term. And it's not just all sad. I think it's the greatest teacher I've ever had. It's been an alchemical process, a process of transmuting so many parts of me. And I don't believe my brother had to die for me to understand this. And I also don't believe that you have to find the silver lining in grief. I really don't. I'm just sharing how my grief has evolved and how I have chosen to make meaning out of this craziness. So I'm excited for the guests who are going to be in the podcast season to again will be understanding the anatomy of grief and interspersed will be incredible guests who have very different viewpoints about what grief is and how it has evolved for them. Thank you for being here. Welcome to Season two of the Grief and Life Podcast.