CYBEX Hot Mom Walk Podcast

CYBEX Hot Mom Walk Episode #17: A Dad’s Perspective with Ashley Roberts

• CYBEX • Season 2 • Episode 17

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Welcome one of our new Mama Mentors, Ashley Roberts (@arober14) and her partner, Hayden! 

Ashley’s 1st episode is an interesting look into parenthood from a dad’s perspective. In this episode, Hayden retells their birth story, shares how to be a more supportive partner when challenges and hurdles arise, and gives tips to help new or soon-to-be dads stay in the good books and be better partners.

Show notes:
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https://www.instagram.com/arober14/

Welcome to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast. Cybex started this series as a recent study found that 80 % of women at three months postpartum say they feel more alone than ever. Designed to help mitigate feeling isolated, the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast series aims to help moms across North America cope with the feeling of isolation and the huge identity shift that comes with parenthood. Welcome. I am Ashley, one of the Cybex Mama Mentor winners, and on my episodes, I'm going to be chatting with people in my community.

Community and motherhood and life and before motherhood is so important, but also community can look really different for different people. So for me, I'll be chatting with my people. And first up on today's podcast is going to be my partner, Hayden. Welcome, Hayden. Hi, Ash. Thanks for having me. Happy to be your first. Hayden, did you think that on my mat leave, I would rope you into recording a podcast with me? I don't think specifically recording a podcast with you. I felt like there would be some sort of event or program.

Just knowing who you are, but no, I didn't see this one coming. Okay. So maybe Hayden, I'll pass it over to you and you can give just like a quick intro of who you are and then we'll kind of dive into it. Awesome. Thanks Ash. So my name is Hayden Johnston. I'm originally from Thunder Bay and now reside in Toronto. I've been here for 12 or 13 years now. I guess first and foremost, I'm now a dad, but a partner and then a chef and a restaurant owner as well. Awesome.

So I'd love to do a few things today as we talk about our transition to parenthood. First, I would love to share our journey to pregnancy, because it was definitely a journey for us. I would love to share our birth story. And then maybe some hot takes from the last six months, what we've thought about, what has worked for us, and give folks just a little bit of insight into what we've been through and hopefully through our sharing.

other people, you know, can feel some comfort in what they're going through. Geez, all the tea. Okay. So let's dive in. Maybe I'll start by sharing our journey to becoming pregnant. As I mentioned, it was certainly a journey. It was not as straightforward for us as I thought it was going to be. So what's really interesting is I think we, for a very long time, we've been together for what? Nine years this year, I think. for a very long time, we didn't know if we wanted to have kids. And then,

At some point along the journey, we decided, okay, let's try. And we were both kind of in this camp of like, we're going to try for six months and if it happens, great. And if it doesn't happen, we'll like continue on with our journey. And it wasn't meant to be. I think for the majority of my life, I never thought about having children at all. And I would even say the bulk of our relationship for the first six or seven years anyway, I felt like we didn't even talk about her. Maybe I just don't remember talking about it. Yeah. I want to say it all happened quickly, but it also took a lot of time or it took some time.

So it's funny how it can be both things or both things are true there. Yeah, the duality of it. So we, the very first time we tried, we actually got pregnant immediately. yeah. That happened fast. And then about 10 weeks later, we unfortunately had our miscarriage and it was absolutely devastating. I think I actually was crying on this closet floor when it happened. It was...

quite a while actually before we could try again after that miscarriage and it took a bit of a process. But after that miscarriage, in my heart of hearts and in my soul, I was like, we have to be parents. Like I need to be a mother and we need to have a baby. For some reason that miscarriage like flipped a switch in me that it wasn't like, I'm gonna try this for six months. It was, I am going to get pregnant and I am going to be a mother. Did you feel that at all post our first miscarriage? You know, for me, I remember...

just how sad you were. And when I think about that time in that period, I think about just how upset you were and how sad I was for us, but also just for you. I don't know if I've ever told you that before. I mean, I imagine it would be a different experience for you because for me, obviously I was physically going through the miscarriage and you were, you know, you're, you're kind of an outsider on it. Yeah. You know, all the sport possible. The thing I think about maybe on top of that is how hard it was to tell people.

that we had had it. And you know, we were 10 or 11 weeks there and I think it was only a week or two before where we sort of like told our parents and it was early and I just remember how excited we were about being pregnant and then how hard it was to... Untell. Untell people. That was really tough. Somebody asked me for a piece of advice. I would say hold that secret as long as you can and not just for that reason. I just remember it being such an exciting time for the two of us like having this little secret that was only ours.

And being able to just share that with you, I thought was special. So I don't want to say I look back at that time and I'm sad about it. I think somehow in a weird way, we're better and stronger for it. But obviously a very trying time. I was devastated. I don't know if I've ever been that sad in my life. It took me took me a hot minute to get over it. I think one thing that we did coming out of that miscarriage is once I had that like, I need to have a child. We assembled a team.

I started seeing an acupuncturist, huge shout out to Energy Tree Anne. I started going to yoga therapy. We have a friend, Julia, who is teaching yoga therapy. We assembled doctors. I had, you know, I even shared with my manager at work who is also a dear friend of mine. And so we just built this little team around us to help us get there and give us the most success. Unfortunately,

A few months later, we had a second miscarriage. It was much earlier. It was about four weeks. I didn't feel as sad about that one. I think it was more of like a sense of like feeling discouraged. I don't know if I had that same feeling of discouragement. You know me, I'm maybe a glass half full. Like, I figured you work hard at anything and hard work pays off. And that's obviously not true 100 % of the time with anything, including pregnancy. But I didn't have that same feeling. I think for me.

I had had sort of built a wall after the first time and thought like, look, the reality of it and the science of it frankly says that it could happen again. And when it did, I wasn't surprised by it happening again, but I was better equipped to deal with the feelings and emotions and your feelings and emotions, I think, to be honest with you. Sad, obviously, but ready to go again. And then we had that miscarriage. All the doctors, all the medical professionals told us not to try again.

Our acupuncturist, however, was like, just go, just try, don't wait. And we were really lucky. We got pregnant. Do you mean not try again ever or? No, like try again immediately. Yes. The next month. Yeah. They said, take a minute, let your body heal. We did not do that. We tried again immediately. Trying is the fun part. We actually simultaneously were starting the journey to IVF because we didn't know we had had two miscarriages. We were starting the IVF journey.

And I'll never forget the first call with the IVF doctor. We were on that call and literally got on that call. I think you were calling in from, we weren't together. We were in two different spots and the doctor was on the call. And the very first thing I said was, so I'm pregnant. I actually had a positive. I do remember that. Yeah. I had a positive pregnancy test or we had a positive pregnancy test. And instead of going through the process of IVF, they actually put us into their early pregnancy clinic. So we were with a fertility clinic as an early pregnancy and they watched us.

Every week for nine weeks, we would go and get an ultrasound to check on her heartbeat and growth and weight. And at that time, obviously we didn't know the gender, but we got to see our little baby every week for nine weeks. And I think there was a little bit of anxiety about going every single week, but there was also a little bit of peace of mind. And after that appointment every week, we knew that things were on track or we knew where things were. It felt nice to have, you know, you sort of alluded to, or you spoke to having that team early. And I think I just, I want to touch.

so fortunate to be able to have those people. My memory there is just reassurance maybe more than anything, being able to go there and talk to the nurses and talk to the doctors and to get that ultrasound. I think we needed that at the point we were at in our sort of pregnancy journey after the two miscarriages. I think it was nice. It was reassuring. Yeah, it was nice to have that comfort. So we talked, you talked a little bit about how that journey was for you and having that reassurance. I mean, I think there was a few things that you did that were really, really helpful for me as a partner.

that supported me through that. And I can't wait to hear these. Well, number one, you were so on board when I told you like, I need to have a baby. You were like, okay, I'm down. When I told you that I was going to an acupuncturist, you were a little bit skeptical. Let's be honest, but you stepped up. You took the 14 vitamins every single day. You stopped biking. You stopped doing.

Saunas I remember one time you put the seat heater on in the car and I was like hard no turn the seat heater off You cannot have heat on you And so I just really appreciate like how on board you were The other thing you did is you came to every single appointment. You were there at every ultrasound appointment I think my entire pregnancy missed one appointment and it was that one where I had to drink the glucose drink the gross one But every other appointment you were at and not only were you there, but you had your own questions to ask

And so it really felt like we were a team doing this together, even though I was the one, obviously, who was physically going through it. I like being a part of a team. And I think the best teams or the most successful teams are the ones where everyone plays their role and does it, you know, to the best of their abilities. And although I wasn't physically carrying a child, you know, for me, it was about just doing whatever I could do. And that was being there in support, if nothing else, striving to the appointments. I think those were all things I was excited about. I look back.

honestly in our pregnancy and our journey there and I have a lot of fond memories of going to those appointments and those drives and chit chatting afterwards and I also wanted to get educated. I had gone for 30 at that point, 33 or 34 years with never having ever thought about ever having a child. And all of a sudden you were pregnant and it was like, okay, the clock is ticking. I've got nine months to get as educated as possible. And then it's so funny. You do all of that work. You do all of that reading. You do all that thinking. You talk to your friends. And then at the end of the day,

you're actually, you're not prepared. That baby comes and you're still just trying to figure it out. Still trying to figure it out. We're going to get into that. We're going to get into that. That's the post. I think the final thing that I'll say about the pregnancy journey is that once I got pregnant, I was so nervous. I was just concerned that we were going to miscarry again or that I was going to miscarry again. That's where the nerves came from. Yeah. I was just constantly, every time I went to the bathroom. I didn't know that.

Yeah, very nervous the entire time every time I went to the bathroom I was like is there blood just constantly thinking about How am I gonna carry this baby to term and I after I did such good job. Thanks, hon After our 20 -week appointment, I don't know if you remember this but we had our 20 -week appointment in August of last year And I remember we got the news that everything was on track I think they said your baby's perfect measuring exactly where they need to be measuring you looked at me and you said

buy something for the baby. I had not bought a single thing. I do remember that. I was very nervous about it. And you looked at me and you're like, it's time. You can buy something for the baby. We were actually going to Vancouver and I was able to do some really good secondhand shopping while we were there. And it was just this moment of, I needed someone to say that to me, I think more, more than you know. And so it was really, really helpful. That's good. I didn't know that. I was cautiously optimistic. I would say at that point, I think,

you know, the feeling was that this was probably gonna go or it had gone longer than the other two. So it's funny. It's fun to finally get excited about and see you excited about it. Yeah, it was nice. I mean, I was nervous the entire pregnancy. I get it. I understand why. Okay. There's so much we could say about that. There's, we're so grateful to our community to helping us get pregnant and carry our baby to almost full term, which brings us into our next section.

So I'm actually going to have you tell the birth story Hayden. Me? Yeah, you. Because every time we're out somewhere, you'll be off in a conversation with someone else and I'll like walk over to say hi and you'll be mid -birth story. No. Yeah, you love to tell the birth story. So because of that, I thought it'd be fun to have you share the birth story. I'll add in points. Maybe we do like an abbreviated version because I know birth stories can be quite long, but I would love to hear you tell it. I think one of the things you read about or you're

or one of the parts of discussion pre -birth is that it's your first pregnancy or it was our first pregnancy, it was our first baby and that it takes a long time. You know, you can sort of get to that 40 weeks and usually your first goes late. You know, it takes a really long time. The labor is really tough and that was the realization for me or that's how I was approaching the birth of the pregnancy. I remember it being Christmas time, so you know, in the restaurant, obviously an extremely busy time.

I think it was December, well it was December 5th, because she was born on the 6th. And she was due on, was it the 31st? I think so. Yeah, December 31st. So whatever, three and a half weeks early and coming home and hopping into bed at being late, I think 12 or 12 .30, you being asleep and then you rolling over and waking me up. Maybe it was a push or a shove. I think it was a violent shove. Yeah, at two or 2 .30 and just saying, well, you know, it's a little wet down there or a little juicy. And we had been to, at this point, two out of our four.

birth classes, or pre yeah, yeah, birthing classes, and, you know, 50 % of the way through, but we hadn't really got to the actual birth yet. It was more like being prepared and you know, the work to do sort of before and you saying it's a little wet and my instant thought there was well in the birthing class we were just at it says, you know, when you're pregnant, it gets wet down there or gets juicy down there. So your exact words, they were this ash ash.

They said it gets a little juicy down there. You're fine. That's what they said though. I'm aware, but it's just funny that that's what you said. You like did not want to deal with me at 2 30 in the morning when I woke you up is, is the vibe. Everyone was tired. you know, but I think they talk a lot about, you know, the instincts of a mother to our moms too. And when you said, Hey, I think something is up here. And you said it to me that second or third time, you know, at that point, took a couple of times, I realized that it was probably more than just,

you know, a little bit of moisture. so what do we do next? I guess we got up pretty quickly. I think you even made a call to the hospital. We were at Mount Sinai. just to call triage and check in. Yeah. I just said like, this is what's happening. And they were like, come in. And I think I said, should we bring our hospital bags? And they were like, well, you could bring them, but leave them in the car. Like, you don't really need them to be clear. Our hospital bags were not packed. Yeah. So we're.

three or three and a half weeks before full term, before 40 weeks, I think 35 and a half, something like that, or 36 and a half. And we hadn't even had the room set up. Like the nursery wasn't set up. We didn't have hospital bags packed. Everyone tells you it goes late and it takes a long time. So that's sort of the mindset maybe naively that I had. Yeah, so what happened next there? I guess we got up, we sort of got dressed, got our things ready and made our way to the hospital.

Yeah, I took my purse. You took your purse. Yeah. I had like a wallet phone keys. And I had a purse with my wallet, lip chap, headphones and a hair elastic. That is all. man. So we got to the hospital. Yeah. So get to the hospital, into triage. They were lovely there too. Mount Sinai would give them a total, a total thumbs up. The shout out. We get into triage. They lay us down and this, at this point, whatever it's maybe three or three 30. And I think we're in pretty good shape.

I'm like, we're like laughing, having a conversation. Yeah. And to be clear, I went into this whole thing and like to not get into a fight or cause a fight being like, okay, you know, thinking that we were going to go there, be told everything was fine and leave. So my mindset is still that at three 30 in the morning, like, am I going to go to work at seven? Am I going to call in sick? Like, what's my play there? And I'll never forget the residents sort of walking in and going down for the pap test. No. No.

They just like check you. I don't know what it's called. She was checking my cervix. Yeah. Yeah. So president goes down there and does the little check and then sort of pops her head up and I'll never forget her looking at me, looking at you, looking at me again for some reason, then saying you're at five centimeters. And at this point we had just taken our second of the four birthing classes. And I remember them saying really specifically like you're going to go to the hospital. They're going to check you. They're going to send you back.

don't go until your contractions were whatever it was, one. I don't even know. 114, 141, or maybe there's a five in there. I can't even remember. So I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, okay, well she's five centimeters, we're three weeks early. There's been no contractions. So my first thought was, well, do we go home and then come back? Not only was that your first thought, but you said it aloud to the doctor and she looked at you like you were nuts. Like you had no idea what was happening. And she was like, no.

You're having a baby. And for me, like that's one of my most vivid memories of the last six months is her just looking at me being like, you're having a baby right now. You're having a baby tonight and just thinking like.

We are in trouble. We have nothing. We showed up, no gear. Thank God. I think we had met the doula a week before. So we had chosen to go with an OB, but as support we wanted to also have a doula. I think to appeal to like my hippie dippy side. Which I would highly recommend. If anybody's on like the doula fence, I had never even heard that word until a few months before.

you know, when a colleague of mine said, Hey, do you have a doula or are you getting a midwife? And I was like, doula. What is that? But so thankful for her. Yeah. Back to the story. Resident comes up and says, you're going to have a baby tonight. So get Mira on the on the WhatsApp and hey Mira, Asha's, you know, going into labor or is in labor at this point. I don't know what's going on because there are no contractions. And like, what should we do? Like, what's the next step?

The doula too, when we first got a doula, I don't know if I've ever told you this, I thought it was actually to support the partner. What? Yeah. No, the doula's for me. Yeah, yeah, I know that. You thought the doula was for you? Well, it was a guy who told me that, like a coworker of mine. So he was just like, do you have a doula? And I never heard the word before. I thought midwives were for the wives and for a second I thought the doula was for the dad. That's actually hilarious. You thought the doula was for you? For the, yeah, for like a day. Absolutely not.

100 % I got to have a doula. Well, she was a therapist for the dad. I mean, to be fair, Mira was amazing. And shout out to doulas on bikes. Like she was fantastic. She did support us both. Totally 100%. She was for me. Yes, that was for me. And so you know, message message Mira, hey Mira, we're five centimeters. Like, okay, like, what's the plan? And then

She sort of says to me, okay, well, you know, it's gonna take some time, like slow process from here. Like I'm gonna start getting my stuff ready and I'll make my way down, you know, or something along those lines. Or maybe it was like, if it gets a little bit more, let me know when I'll come down. I can't remember exactly how it went. And in that instant, I think you had like your first contraction. Yeah, we were moving from triage, waiting for a labor and delivery room. And once you like did the check down there, I started to then feel things. Yeah, it all happened really quickly at that point.

so I remember getting into the labor and delivery room and at this point the contractions are like, whatever it is, like one three one one five one. I'm so happy we didn't go home. I'm screaming. Yeah. And not my best self. No, but you were so good. Thanks son. And then them doing that next check on unit might've been about 45 minutes since the first check or, or, or an hour. And then coming up and saying, you're at, I don't know what it is. Eight centimeters.

And again, we'd only been to two of the birthing classes. So I didn't know how many, I couldn't remember how many centimeters. I was like, there's not much. The number is 10. Yeah. Like there was not that many more to go. And, and you know, you just screaming for the epidural, screaming and screaming. And I'm like, man, like this is all happening fast. Like we've been at the hospital for like an hour. Yeah. Hour and a half tops and then messaging Mira back.

saying like, Hey, Mira, like we're at eight. I think it's happening pretty quickly. And she being like, my God, I'm getting in the Uber right now. I think I'm right now. Me thinking like, I need backup. I need backup. You need your therapist. I need my doula. Doula for dads. Maybe that's like a new thing. And then, you know, us battling the hard contractions and you being, you know, really on your way to giving birth and trying to get that epidural in and.

that all just sort of, you know, being a very wild and challenging time and... That epidural took forever and I don't think I could have gotten through that without you. I remember you like holding me still and you literally said to me, Ash, you cannot move or you're not going to get the epidural. And in that moment I was like, okay. And I'm like contracting. I'm like eight centimeters and it is coming hard and fast. And I remember just looking at the doctor being like, what is happening? And...

the anesthesiologist had the wrong needle and the wrong tube and they had to run and get stuff. But it was, that was so tough. And I think at one point the anesthesiologist looked around the room and was like, are we doing this? Yes. But I remember that. Thank God I got that. I'm very grateful. Pro choice. Do whatever you want to do. No medication, medication. But for me, that epidural was, I needed it. It just came like so hard, so fast. Yes. Yeah. There was no lead up to that. No. And I remember things just slowing down, I guess, is the best way to put it. So you had the epidural.

you know, I feel like the contractions were still there, but they weren't as painful and everything just like being able to take a beat. And at this point, you know, do a Mira, the doula is there, she's helping us out. And honestly, my next thought was like, we have nothing here. Like we have no clothes. We have no snacks. There's no pillows. There's nothing. And then the fear setting in that we have nothing set up. There's no crib. There's no bassinet. There's no change table. We didn't even have a change table. There was nothing ready.

It's December at the restaurant, you know, which I was like, okay, like work is fine. No problem. But just like, how are we going to come back? And like, wasn't necessarily in the mindset to have had a baby, but you get that baby comes and you get in the mindset pretty quickly. I remember just coming back home and packing bags as quickly as I could. I think we had very little food at the time. I don't know. For whatever reason, it was like a bag of cashews, a couple of pillows, your robe, basically whatever I could get my hands on.

And calling my sister, one of the really vivid memory of mine was being in the car and driving home from the hospital. And we live what? Like 15 minutes away, no traffic. No traffic. And you're at nine centimetres or like eight centimetres. And just like for whatever reason thinking it was a good idea to like get as much stuff as I could, pack the bags, get back to the hospital and then it couldn't have been much more than.

I don't know, an hour or two later. Yeah, you called your sister. yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry. Called my sister and telling her like, hey, and my sister, for those listening, has two children and telling her that, yeah, you know, all of this happened in the last three or four hours or five hours. Ash is at nine centimeters. I'm going home to get our stuff because we didn't bring anything. And she's like, you're not at the hospital. And I think she was like, get back there. Get back there. Which I get now because shortly after I got back, you gave birth. So. Yeah.

35 or 36 and a half weeks IV, you know, so healthy now obviously and pumped about that. But, that was, yeah, that was quite a wild ride. I think it just went from zero to a hundred so quickly. It was like zero to baby just, and we were so mentally unprepared, mentally and physically unprepared, just not ready for it. But I think you get checked pretty.

quickly when you're holding that little bit and you get ready quickly. Exactly, because you don't have a choice. Okay, so I'm curious, maybe like a quick question. And I'll share mine, but do you have any favorite moments from the birth? I think, favorite moment. I have memorable moments. Okay, just pick one. Just pick one. Honestly, it was seeing, this might be a little graphic, but Ivy's head for the first time and she having like hair. And for whatever reason, I just had this like preconceived notion that

Babies are born with no hair. I don't know why. And she had a little bit of hair. And I just remember that being so memorable. Because things escalated so quickly, our doula said, would you guys like a minute alone? And we were like, what? Like, we can do that? And it was, we're so grateful for her. She got everyone out of the room and Hayden and I. Just took a minute, just the two of us, before we became a family of three and I'll never forget it. I think I was bawling and it was just like a really - Right before you started pushing it. Right before I started pushing it. It was a really, really special moment and highly recommend for anybody who wants to do that to just take a minute for the two of you to like connect before you like get into the like meat and potatoes of labor and childbirth. Okay, my other favorite moment. So everyone kept asking me like, what's your birth plan? What's your birth plan? And honestly,

I couldn't decide. I didn't know if I wanted to have a C -section. I didn't know if I wanted to do vaginal birth. I just didn't know. And so my only birth plan was for the baby to get to exit in a safe way for both of us. And then the second thing on the birth plan, do you know what it was? For me to tell you the sex, the gender. Yeah. We didn't know the gender of the baby. And so it was really important for me that that came from you. And I'll never forget, they pulled her out, put her on my stomach right away.

And I was like, Hey, what is it? And you're like, I don't know. I can't see. And I think somebody like lifted her leg and you were like, it's a girl, Ash. You've got your girl. And it was just, I'll never forget those words coming from you. It was so sweet. One of my big takeaways from the two parenting or not even parenting, the birthing classes was that you don't necessarily need to have a plan built. You don't need to go in there and say, I want this or I want this or this is what I'm expecting because I think you may be let down just in our case, like things happen so fast.

But knowing what you don't want. Yeah. You know, and I remember the doula or the instructor for that class saying, you know, as long as you know about the things that, you know, are non -negotiable for you. Yeah. I remember taking that away. Yeah. OK. So that was our birth story. So that was like pre -baby, meeting our baby, and let's do a little bit of post. OK. So we've had our girl for six months, our Ivy girl, for six months. Let's get to maybe the spicy stuff.

So post -baby, what have we fought about? What have we fought about? Yeah, what have we fought about? Can you remember? Hayden lives in the future, so it's hard for you to think about the past. The past, what have we fought about? I know there's probably like big one, like a fight fight. Yeah, like I think we've had, we've had two fights in my mind. Okay, I can think of one, the selfish one. Yeah, we'll share how that one came about. And the second one's about avocado. feeding her, yeah, touchy subject. Okay.

So let's start with the selfish fight. Caveat. I'm going to sound, don't crush me. Hayden's not going to sound great, but we're good. You're great. You had great intentions. I think we were what? Five days post -birth, five or six days. And because Ivy was a late preterm baby, we had basically an appointment every single day. And during those appointments, obviously they were weighing her and we were really working on getting her weight up. But because she was early, her sucking reflex hadn't developed and I was breastfeeding at the time. And.

I think we had been to like two or three appointments that week and I left every single one in tears. I could have not felt more guilty about not my baby not gaining weight. And all I was doing was feeding her. We were waking her every two hours. We were feeding her like, not gonna lie. My boobs killed. I was exhausted. I'm still healing from the birth. I was just like at my like mental lowest. And all I wanted was for this child to gain weight and for her to be healthy. And everyone was on us cause she was this late.

preterm baby, like we were being monitored so closely. It seems so long ago. I know. I think about that. Those were some challenging days now that... Tough days, tough days and felt like they lasted forever. Like they just merged together. Those days get better. Very quickly, very quickly they get better. And I remember we left one appointment, I think it was our doctor's appointment and we were driving home and I was in the back with Ivy and you were in the front and you were like, Ash, I think you're being selfish.

why are we not giving this baby formula? And I was like, I really want a breastfeed. It was really important to me to give it like my all. And at some point, if she had not gained weight, I would have pivoted, but it was really important to me to try. And you were like, I think you're doing it because, and you're being selfish. And I was not happy with you. And I think it was a poor choice of words. Yes. Any comments on that one? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sure that's not the first time I've said sorry for that. Yeah, you know, I think as a dad, you sort of have, and I'm not playing the victim here at all, but you have this guilt about not being able to do maybe as much as you want to in that moment. And I think, look Ash, if somebody was to ask me to describe you, I would say like, driven alpha and like set in your ways. And if you've got something in your mind or that you want to get done,

or accomplish it's gonna get accomplished. And it's one of the things I love about you. And one of the things that makes you such a good mom. But I think after that discussion, we'll call it. It was a fight. It was a fight, it was a fight. That you were determined enough to get it done and put in the time and do what needed to be done. So I don't wanna say I backed up there, because I would never not do what I thought was best for our child. But in that instance, I think it was a...

turning point maybe for our relationship but definitely for our parenting and I just realized that you were gonna get it done. Yeah. So I worried less. I think too, upon reflection, you wanted like A, you work in food, your job is to literally feed people, your love language is food. If I'm upset, you're like, here's a bun with butter, like eat it and you'll be happy. And I think part of it was like, my goodness, my baby's not eating enough.

And I'm sure for you that hit on like a different visceral level and you're like, we need to get her food and I don't care how we do it. And for me, it was like, we need to get her food. And I have a preference at this current moment on how we do it. We need to get her food and we are doing it my way. All of that to say we got through it. I think it was maybe not your best choice of words at that moment. And I had just grown her for nine months, delivered her.

And then I didn't love that comment. Understandably so. Yeah. And then our second fight was actually like a week ago, week and a half ago, not very long ago. I don't remember this one being that bad. well, I don't know. Maybe it hits me more. Yeah, that's fair. We were transitioning, I made a solids and we're starting with avocado.

And for some reason, we got into a huge fight about avocado. How to feed her, when to feed her, what time of day to feed her, what to feed her, does she feed herself? And, you know, we're trying to figure it out. Are we doing baby led weaning? Are we doing purees? Are we handing it to her? And I just remember being like tough. And I think part of that toughness for me was, my gosh, I'm not my only baby's, I'm not the only food source for our baby anymore. That's a fair feeling. So for me, you know, probably like my anger or that fight was a little bit of like emotion coming out instead of.

crying, which you know I do all the time, instead of crying I was like you're not feeding her the way I want it to be done and just like giving up that that notion that I am her only source. I can imagine that being challenging or certainly emotional for you. Yeah I would even preface this with saying avocado was a terrible first food. I don't know if you're qualified to say that.

As a chef, I think, and as a parent, I think so. Okay, okay, okay. It's hard to eat. They can't pick it up. It's slimy. It's mushy. Unless it's a firm avocado, go with something off of a spoon. Yeah, you know, I think that for me, that discussion stemmed from all of the previous discussions. I think in our house, there was a lot of anxiety around feeding her. Like you... Totally. And I'm not saying this like pointing the finger, but like you had a lot of anxiety about that. Still do.

You know, it's got to be after six months. It's got to be this food. It's got to be at this time. It's got to be this and that. I think it's nice to sort of, and it's, it's, it's good. It's smart to have a plan and, and, and, and understand why you want to do something the way you want to do it and, and being able to explain it like that. I do think there's a part of raising children that, you know, just happens not naturally necessarily, but you know, organically, that's, that's a better word for it. And you figure out, and I find that you figure things out pretty quickly. The, the times that work, the times that don't, the foods that work the right.

sleep bag, the right sack, like all of those things, you know, all the sleeping apparatuses. And I had more of a feeling like that when it came to feeding her. It was just like, we're going to figure this out. It's going to be fine. And maybe, you know, I'm a little bit more loosey goosey on those things. And it's one of the things again, another one of the things I love about you is that you have a plan and you want to stick with it. And I'm okay with that. So yeah, I remember that being, you know, challenging like many other things, but.

I look at it now and that was only a week ago or 10 days ago and we forgot about it. I've number one, I forgot about it. And number two, we're just we're better at it now and we continue to get better at it. And you know, it's feeding her is really fun. And she loves it. And she loves when you feed her. Like, that's your thing now. And it's really special, those moments together. Yeah. I remember that moment being maybe as bad as you do. I think maybe it was just the change. You know, it's another change that's happening and she's no longer an infant. You know, she's a six month old.

She's a baby, baby now. Yeah, no longer a newborn. Certainly not a newborn. And next thing she's going to be doing is asking us for food. OK, so because of all your preparation that you did, and now you've been a new dad for six months, is there anything or any tip that you would share to someone who's either expecting or in the early stages? Any tips you would share with a new dad? It would be to take care of your wife or partner, or take care of your baby's mom. Because there are so many things you - Or the birthing. The birthing. Yeah, the birthing partner.

take care of the birthing partner and just try to be the best at that and do everything you can. I would say anticipate needs, always say yes, whatever, if it's filling up the glass of water. I think men or the other parent maybe doesn't realize and frankly can't realize in a lot of instances how hard it is to carry a child and then to birth that child. So for me it was like, if I learned one thing in all of the preparedness I did or the preparing I did, which was...

I don't know a few audio books and taking the classes, but it's just to take care of your partner. And you know, in most cases that partner is going to take care of the baby if you're breastfeeding and you know, those things. So if I could say one thing would be that be present, make all the meetings or make all the appointments, you know, pats on the back, lower back massages, filling up the water. One thing you did is I remember you were going back to work. So she was like five or six weeks old. You were going back to work and I was home alone.

I was going to be start being home alone and I was terrified. And then the first week I think you went back to work, I was like trying to do everything. I was trying to do all the laundry and I remember like doing your laundry and her laundry and my laundry and like trying to do chores around the house. Cause I just felt like, well now I'm at home, I need to be super productive and the house needs to be cleaned and I need to now be responsible for all of that. And I was like pretty stressed I think after that first week when you went back and you looked at me one day, I think it was like a Sunday night and you were like, Ash.

I have zero expectations that you're doing any chores around this house. The only thing I expect from you is to take care of Ivy. And it just like for you saying that, like I don't think you ever made me feel like I needed to do all the chores or all the things in the house, but you actually saying those words, like I have no expectations for you except for you taking care of the child or our child was so helpful. It gave me like a sense of relief. I was like, thank God I can like stop trying to do all the laundry. And if like I get it done and I have time in the day, great. And if I don't,

There's no expectation that I don't need to do that. So I thought that was like really nice too. You probably don't even remember saying that, do you? No, I, I, I do remember, I do remember giving me a hard time. I think that's all, I don't know if it's all I could ask for, but that's all I was, you know, it's not even expecting, maybe just hoping that you would do. And, I recognize and I don't know why, but I recognize that being a mom and taking care of a child full time is just, it's a huge job. It's a huge job.

a mom or a dad or a grandparent, anybody to any child. It's a big job. And yeah, if you got anything more than that accomplished, then great. But if you didn't, you already had a successful day. I appreciate that. Last question. Do you have a favorite moment in the past six months? One moment from the past six months that was your favorite. there are so many. You can only pick one. You know, we just went on vacation. Yeah. The three of us. I think that was super fun. Yeah. I don't know.

I'll always look back on that. I know for the rest of my life and be like, that was awesome. It was hard and it was a bunch of work. It was different. It looked a little different than our prior vacations. But I'll always look back at that memory, the three of us really fondly. What about you? For me, I'm sure you have like nine. I'm only going to share one. For me, it was the first time she like really laughed. I could cry. I could literally cry just talking about it. Like my heart fills up. I feel like as.

The primary caregiver parent, you're at home so much, you're changing diapers, you're feeding, you're making sure they're sleeping, you're doing all these things. And you, you get very little back in the first few months. And so the first time she like looked at me and laughed, I was like, you're happy. Like you are happy and like I'm doing my job. And so she doesn't laugh every day, still working on getting her laugh. But, the first time she belly laughed for me, I, it was like her, not that she owes me anything, but she like gave me something back. And I just was like, so.

happy to know that she was happy in that moment. It's funny and just adorable how much joy those little moments bring, like getting her out of the crib with a big smile on her face when they see you and like not saying that that makes it all worth it because I think even the hard times make it worth it but there are really nice moments. Yes. Okay Hayden, that wraps it up. I want you to know you are such an incredible dad. You have been an exceptional partner to me, except for that one time when you called me selfish.

Our Ivy girl lights up when she sees you and you are forever our guy. We love you so, so much. Thank you for feeding us, figuring it out with us, for not making us do chores, recording a podcast with me. You are the best dad and partner and we love you so much. I love you guys too. There are no people I'd rather be doing it with. Love you. Thanks for tuning in to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast series. Follow the Cybex Spotify channel for more updates and for new episodes.