CYBEX Hot Mom Walk Podcast

CYBEX Hot Mom Walk Episode #23: Expectations vs. Realities with Ashley Roberts - Part 1

• CYBEX • Season 2 • Episode 23

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It’s a final return for our CYBEX Mama Mentor, Ashley Roberts (@arober14).

In part-one of this two-part episode, Ashley chats with her very first mom-friend Gill about the rosy expectations vs. hard core realities of becoming a new Mama. This heartfelt and honest conversation between good friends will make you laugh, cry, and nod along!

Show notes:
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Hello and welcome to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast. Cybex started this series as a recent study found that 80 % of women at three months postpartum say they feel more alone than ever. Designed to help mitigate feeling isolated, the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast series aims to help moms across North America cope with the feeling of isolation and the huge identity shift that comes with parenthood. Hello, it's your Cybex Mama mentor Ashley and welcome to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk

Today's episode is part one of a two -part episode. I'll be chatting with two mums. The first will be Gill, who is my very first mum friend. I met her when Ivy was five weeks old. And on part two, I'll be chatting with Raksha, who is a fellow Cybex Momma Mentor Top 10 finalist. Ultimately, we made this episode to share that everyone's postpartum journey is different, whether you're in the thick of it now, preparing to welcome your little one, or on the journey to get pregnant, or at a different stage.

You may have one expectation of what that is gonna look like and the reality may be totally different than what you thought. Give yourself grace, whatever your postpartum journey looks like and feels like it is your journey, you may resonate with some of the things we talk about or not. Regardless, just know that you're a good parent and you are doing a good job. Hopefully you can laugh with us, maybe cry with us a little bit as we share some of our experiences of becoming moms. Gill, my friend, welcome.

to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast. Today, we are gonna cover expectation versus reality of becoming a mom, and hopefully our experiences can help a mom along their journey. So let's start with a quick intro. Gill, who are you? Tell us about yourself. Hi. Great, well thank you so much for having me. I'm stoked to be here. So I'm Gill. I am a new mom. I'm almost nine months into my motherhood journey. Nine Which is wild to say. I keep thinking recently like,

Everybody posts those like nine months in, nine months out, like the difference. And I haven't been a big, like, I didn't really photograph myself during pregnancy that much. Not that I would probably post that anyway, but I just was like, wow, like in the time that it took me to make her, like she has made me in like these nine months. And that's what we'll talk about. That's so lovely. my gosh, that's my favorite. That could be the podcast right there. That's a little bit about me. No, so I'm Gill. I've got a almost nine month old.

I'm married. I've got a wonderful husband. We've been together almost 10 years. We've been married two and a bit of those years. It was actually just our anniversary a little while ago. We went out for dinner with the three of us. So was really, really Nice way to celebrate. Yeah. So good. Yeah. So that's me. Love it. I will also say you're probably one of the most prepared moms that I know. Like, need a teething straw. Gill has four and she will give them to you. You need

a diaper, Gill knows all the diaper types, what to do. You need You've told me about them. We did a lot of diaper research. We'll get to that. You need wipes. Gill has a case of them in your car for you. Unless I've just had a blowout in a yoga class and I don't have wipes and then Ashley also doesn't have wipes. But thank God we're in a yoga class with 10 other moms. my gosh. That do have Never will forget. The things that happen as a new mom. Okay. Well, let's start from the beginning. So Gill, let's talk a little bit how we met six months ago.

That's wild. So maybe you can share a little bit about how we met. Yes. So I think as many new moms do, we had signed up for a new mom class. So this class in particular was an occupational therapy class, really kind of targeting how to encourage different kinds of development with our babies.

I really had taken part in the class because I was looking to make connections and I was looking to meet new moms. I have friends that have kids, but it's a little bit different I think when, A, you're meeting with people that you know are there for a common reason, like we're all kind of going through that experience together, the babies were all around the same age, and also we all kind of live nearby, which was really nice. Which was so nice. I will say, Ivy was five weeks old. was a little bit, I probably had no business being in that class, but so happy I did. decision that you made.

Totally. Best decision ever. Totally. Yeah, so we met in that baby class six months ago, which is wild. That started in January. And then we've done everything together ever since. We've done any kind of baby class that you can think of that happens in Toronto, we have done. Literally, all are still doing. Yeah. And continue. And we'll continue. And we'll continue to do. And if the class is run out, we will make our own. Or we will ask them to extend the class for us. Keep it going.

What I like about that group is that occupational therapy group is still close. Yeah. Like we still text. We still have our group chat. if you need anything or like have a question, you just like pop it in that group any time of day or night and someone will pick it up. It's usually me. To be fair, it is usually you. But like you send an SOS signal to that group and there is someone is there for sure. So I actually remember. So I remember that class,

I think our friendship really got to the next level, I don't know if you're gonna remember this, you probably will, when we went for the walk. Yes, of course I remember. So we were in this class and Gill was like, okay, let's we started like texting, we started side texting out of the chat, it was really a big moment. That was a big moment. And Gill was like, I'm like staying in the annex, like let me come for a walk. And I was still so new, because like, Ivy was only five or six weeks old. You're

I'll come to you, I'll make it super easy. And like, I was so grateful for that because it was like my first mom friend walk. I think I had said that to you that day, like that you were the first person that I like connected with in my new mom. I just cry too much. It's too much. But like, then we went on that walk and I remember after that walk, just feeling like, this, this is how you raise a child. You do it, you do it with friends. It takes a village. It takes a village. And it was, I just remember leaving that walk and like,

my gosh, I have a mom friend. I think I even said to Hayden, I now have a mom friend. Yeah. And it was How many times have we said to each other that like our respective husbands would be like, you have a new family. Yeah. You had a photo shoot together. Ashley and I have done a photo shoot together with our girls. Like my husband and I haven't done it. Yeah. We enter contests together. Yes, we do. All the things. Yeah. Okay. So a question that I had for you was your connection with Quinn is really

It's like very apparent. She loves you. You love her. Like you can just see it. It's beautiful to witness. And I remember like during my pregnancy not feeling super connected to the baby. And I think part of that was a bit of self -preservation because of our losses. But I was curious for you. Like there was an expectation for me. Like I'm going to be so connected to this baby. I feel so connected to them. And I literally remember looking at Hayden one night and being like, I don't know who this is living inside of me. I don't know if I'm going to like it when it comes

So I'm a little bit curious of like what your experience, we've never talked about this. So like, what was your experience like now seeing how connected you and Quinn are? So it's such an interesting question because my experience was not dissimilar to yours. Matt and I got pregnant, you know, we wanted kids and we knew that we wanted to have a family. We were not actively trying. So when we got pregnant, it was so exciting. But I also felt like I was kind of at a point where, again, not a lot

friends had babies. Right. And I was terrified of like, what is my life going to be? Like my social life is so important to me. I'm somebody that really enjoys alone time, quiet time. That's the time that I have to myself to kind of recharge. I'm an introverted extrovert. You like your alone time, but also like being out. Yes. Like I, I very much like I get energy from spending time alone. So I think you're an ambivert. Okay. Well, very cool. But I love, I love to be social and I'm super

but that's not necessarily where I get my energy. So I was really nervous when we got pregnant about like, I ready for this? Am I ready to actually have that shift in my life? Anyway, long story short, I definitely didn't necessarily feel connected to my baby in utero. And as it got closer to the end of my pregnancy, I was so terrified at that point. Like it didn't get better, it got worse in terms of the anxiety. at no point was I,

having horrible, you know, or like I've made a mistake or anything like that. But it was just, I was so not ready. And I was terrified of giving birth and having to make that change and having that reality of like, my God, my entire, like there is no end date to motherhood. Ever. Ever. You kind of grieve your old life, your freedom you used to have. And I don't think that people talk about that enough, like this grieving your old life. And I really went through that grieving process. So I was like in complete denial when

into labor, you know my birth story, like it was all very, I really tried to like delay the birth, not because I was scared of like giving birth, I was scared of losing myself. And even when Quinn was born, mean, to be completely honest, like when she was born and they like gave me to her, I didn't have that immediate like, my God, like I'm bursting at the seams with love. I remember even that night, like we all went to sleep and the thing I was thinking about was like, I'll never get to sleep in again. It's over. It's

I know. And I have my brand new tiny perfect baby next to me and I'm like, man, I'm gonna have to get up in a couple hours, feed this thing. But that came in time. Quinn is my best friend. She's my entire world and I love her more than anything. But yeah, wasn't immediate for me, but it was natural. If that makes sense. It developed. It's so interesting because seeing you and Quinn now, I would never have thought

Like I thought I would have thought like she came out and you were like, this is my life. But like, yeah, that's so fascinating. Thank you so much for sharing that. So interesting. Cause with Ivy, I would felt very disconnected with her. And then I met her and I was excited to meet her. But then I immediately went into like, okay, how are we going to feed this baby? We need to change. Like I kind of like this practical mode of like, how do we help this baby survive? And then, and then like later it was a bit delayed for me too. I was

I love this baby. Like I would do anything for her. is insane. it's a love that's like painful because it's so much. Yes. I even say to Hayden, I was like, you're number two and I'm number two for you and forever we'll just be each other's number two. would never want to not be number two. Yeah, totally. She better be number one to Matt. To everybody. you kidding? She's numero uno. I love that. Okay. So what is your biggest surprise or unexpected part of your motherhood journey? So this

sensitive one. So what I will say is I knew going into motherhood that it was going to be hard. Nobody for a second tried to sugarcoat anything and be like, it's gonna be easy, you're gonna love it, everything's gonna come naturally, slam dunk. Like I knew everybody had set my expectations. Like it's gonna be really hard. The baby blues are a reality. These are things that like, know, postpartum depression is a possibility.

I just don't think I really understood at baseline how hard it was going to be from a mental health perspective. That was definitely my biggest surprise. I feel that like other parts of motherhood, sort of knew, like I kind of had expectations because other moms have come before me and sort of gave me their wisdom, but it's truly the experience of going through, I think the hormonal component. And then also I have a postpartum depression diagnosis

That's been a part of my journey that I'm managing, but it's so difficult and I don't know that I really was prepared for like how hard that was going to be. And that kind of brings up a lot, think, in terms of just like who we feel we are as moms. Because on days that I'm just like, don't feel like I have it in me, I can walk away at the end of the day and be like, my God, like I did a terrible job today. I just didn't give her my full energy. I wasn't smiling at her all day. Have I completely traumatized my child because

cried in front of her. And a friend had given me this piece of advice previously, and I've shared this with you before, but it's that you will not be the type of mom that you're proud of every single day. And I think giving yourself that grace of like, it's hard. It is so hard. It's wonderful. And it's the happiest form of happiness I've ever known. But at times it can be the worst kind of pain I've ever felt.

And on those days where I can't be the gold star, know, minivan mom that like I want to be, it's okay. I have to give myself that grace that I will not be the perfect mom every single day. And I'm not going to be the type of mom every single day that I'm like so proud of, but I'm doing the best I can. And I think, you know, what's really interesting about your journey is knowing you for six months and seeing

almost every day and talking to you every day and like seeing you probably like two, three times a week. Like I had no idea you were struggling with that until you shared it with me. And I felt so awful in that moment being like, my God, I haven't been there for you in a way that I needed to. And that's not to like, you know, make you feel bad or anything like that. It's just more like, it can look really

Right? Like, you know, like at every event we're like laughing and having a great time. And I'm like, my gosh, Gill's crushing it. She's doing so well. Like she's like thriving as a mother. Like Quinn is amazing. Like just your relationship is incredible. And then when you shared that with me, I was like, so in shock. And it was just a good reminder for me as a friend to like check in on your mom friends, ask the like, how are you really, really question and like, yes, ask about their child and ask how the day is going. But then be

how are you? How are you really, really today? How are you doing in this moment? No matter what you're observing on the outside, because that was a good moment for me of like, when was the last time I've actually really, really checked on Gill versus like, my gosh, how's the baby? How are things? What are we doing? What's going on? And so it was a really good reminder for me. So I'm guilty of that too. Of course. I have a few new moms in my life now that since I've given birth have since.

given birth and I always will say to people like I know this is a heavy question but like how's your mental health? Yeah. Like I want to make sure that like I like I know you're not sleeping I know you're not eating like I ask you how's the baby sleeping and like how are you actually doing? Like how is your mental health? And it's interesting like people respond to that question in different ways. I'm sure. no no no like everything's fine but then other people are like wow like thank you for asking. Yeah I this. needed to check in with myself.

So yeah, I think it's a good reminder to all of us, because it's not a question that I would have asked. Totally. Pre giving birth, and even I think pre going through this experience myself, I wouldn't have really thought about it. Ask your mom friends, how are you really, really? How are you? How's your mental health? Yeah, totally. It's funny, know, motherhood, I think there's a meme, I probably sent it to you. Probably. That's like, it's the most happy, sad, bored, excited you've ever been.

It's the most experience of duality I think I've ever had in my life. Like the days are so long, but it goes by so fast. All of it happens at the same time. And I think even like mentally processing that is a really hard thing to do, especially if you were doing something totally different before. It's like such a big change. And so the duality of motherhood is real. it's like, it's hard to describe or hard. I can't even like help someone prepare for it. I mean, then take deep breaths.

Make sure you take care of you. Do that first. It's so important. Totally. Another question. Yeah. What is, if you had to think expectation versus reality, I'm like, hang it out with mom friends. Yeah. What was your expectation? What is the reality? Did you have a vision of what that could look like for you? So I, as I've said, I'm a very social person. I love meeting new people. My husband jokes, I'm that person at a resort.

that will go up to people at the bar and start talking to them. I love to meet new friends. I love to - this. I can see this happening. A great story about our honeymoon that I'll tell you off pod. Anyway, so I was so excited to build my community and to meet new mom friends. I think my expectation, at least of the connections that I've made that I've really wanted to foster, I've met a ton of new moms, got great relationships with all the girls that we met in our class and other moms that I've met through different classes or just different modalities, whatever.

But the friendships that I really wanted to focus on and foster deep relationships with, the expectation is exactly what the reality is. I feel like for you and I, you're certainly the mom friend that I've become closest with and I've wanted to invest the most time and energy into I want to hang out with you all the time. want to talk to you at all times. And it's like, you are exactly the person with or without Ivy that I would have thought you would be. And I think the reasons that we...

became friends as like we're both going through postpartum at the same time. We're both new moms. We're both like completely lost on how do we do this? Like that's maybe why we became friends, but I know that the reason that we will stay friends is because we have a lot in common and like our girls brought us together and our experiences brought us together. But like we are more than just a couple of moms or like hanging out. We're stuck with each other. Like I know that that I know that's not the reason that we will stay friends. they'll be there like the girls will be

They're not going anywhere. I'm obsessed with them. We'll be doing other things too. And they have each other too, which I think is so cool. Yeah, and that they've grown up together. Like it's so nice. They're going to be the same year. Like we're going to through the same things at the same time, which is so nice. And right now there's a, about a three month age gap, which feels like huge at this moment. It's great for me and Ivy because we can text Gill and be like, what happened when you did this? What happened when you did that? Must say. It's the best. But in two years from

we're gonna be like, we're chasing two year olds around. It's gonna be chaos together, which is really exciting. It's interesting, like, I thought, I don't know what I was thinking. I thought motherhood would be like, you know, hanging with mom friends would be like, okay, let's like go to this event and we can just do the whole day together and like hang out the whole day together. But it's like not.

like that. Okay yeah that's fair. There's like a window like you know my window that I can hang out is like 11 to 1 and your windows a little bit shifted it's like 12 to 2 because of like nap time. So that was like interesting to me I'm like I have a window of two hours every day that like we can leave and go and be somewhere and do something and then even the time together like our time when we're out chatting or out of class is like 80 %

logistics, baby in car seat, out of car seat, diaper change, 15 % problem solving. She's not sleeping, she's sleeping on her face, like she's not eating, like all the things are happening. Like help me with this problem solving. And it's like 5 % chatting. And then I immediately leave that event and text you. Yeah, that is accurate. Like that is what happens. But that's a really good point in terms of the expectations versus reality because I think a

maybe friends that are pregnant at the same time are like, we're gonna do mat leave together and see each other every day. And one of my best friends has a daughter that's only a couple months older than Quinn. And we encounter this every time we try to get together where it's like, okay, well, what's your wake window? Well, you this is my wake window. It's it's logistically tough. That's a really good point. So one story that I really wanna share, Gill and I really bonded at the beginning over many things, but one thing in particular was diapers. And we went on this magical hunt.

to try and find the best diaper, to not have blowouts, to just keep our babies safe and clean and all these great things. We tried every diaper. We were importing diapers from the States. We went rogue. Like it was wild. We, I think have tried every diaper. I actually did a couple of review videos and sent them to you where I had side by side. Totally. was like, here's, they're all the same size, but this one has longer wings or this one has a higher back.

And the funniest thing is that I think we both have kind of decided like, what is our favorite diaper brand? And I'm gonna name names because we're not sponsored, but funny enough, I actually had found out that like an old girlfriend from my childhood had started that brand. And it's just like the smallest, how small is the world? The diaper. So small. But it's a really fun project on your mat leave to just pick something. And I would buy diapers and give some to Gill. She would buy diapers and give some to me. And we just like would talk about.

diapers because that's what our days were. It was actually like a little bit entertaining. Even Hayden was like, there's like so many different types of diapers. Which one should she be in? I was like, doesn't matter. Just good luck. But even now, like I'll bring in a new diaper brand because I was at Loblaws and they sell this brand and whatever. Matt will be like, did Ashley buy you these? Are you guys trying diapers again? I'm like, well, you no, but it was a short term project. It's over. You're not wrong. That's not true. I've got one more brand I want to try. really? I can't wait to hear about Next time I go to the States.

Okay, honestly, we might have to start importing diapers. Yes. I love it. Okay, so let's wrap with a little bit of fast fire questions. I'm going to like name some like elements of being a mom. Okay. And I just want to know like what was your reality with it? So example, like baby poop, like what's, what's your reality with it? inconsistent. Okay. Love it. Breastfeeding? painful. Sleeping? There's nothing about baby sleep that is linear. Yeah. that's a good way to put it. Nothing.

Okay, birth? Yeah, not what I thought it would be. Contractions? No bueno. Yeah. Epidural. Muy bueno. Yeah. I thought you were going to say, try to avoid. I also did that, yes. If I could have delayed the delivery, I would have. Moving baby out of your room? So emotional. Yeah. Way more emotional than I thought it would be. my God. It's like the end of... That marked to me the end of the newborn era. Same. And I remember that moment vividly. Hayden

dragging her bassinet out of our room into her room and I was sitting there holding her crying and being like, you are not with me 24 seven anymore and you just have been for the past, you know, 11 months or 12 months. was, it was tough. Hideous. Meeting mom friends. The best. Yeah, totally. Couldn't agree more. Okay. So this isn't a question, but it's a moment of gratitude for you. You have truly been my lifeline and whether it

finding the right diaper, I'm gonna cry. A 2:00 am text or words of encouragement, you are such a gift and a joy to know. And you and Quinn, like to get to know you and Quinn over the past six months, like I am forever grateful for you both. So thank you. my gosh, thank you. I don't know if you remember this and I was even, I was listening to this song on the way here, but I had, I sent you a text one day because I was listening to the new KC Musgraves album and there's a line that always makes me think of you and it says,

It's natural for some things to lose their shine so other things can glow and I think that that is like that to me in that moment it just makes me think of you because I'm so grateful for the friendship that we have created and I think I said to you at the time like friendships I believe friendships sometimes can change when one person becomes a mother and maybe the other isn't and you kind of see that play out a little bit but it opens up room to foster new relationships with people like you.

And I think of you every time I listen to that song because like the feeling is so beyond mutual. Like you are such an important part of my life. Not even just my motherhood journey. such an important part of my life. So good. Gill, thank you so much. Appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you again for listening to this week's episode. And keep an eye out for part two. We'll be joined by Cybex Momma Mentor, Raksha. Where we continue to discuss our expectations versus reality and how that looks really different for every mom.

Thanks for tuning in to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast series. Follow the Cybex Spotify channel for more updates and for new episodes.