CYBEX Hot Mom Walk Podcast

CYBEX Hot Mom Walk Episode #24: Expectations vs. Realities with Ashley Roberts - Part 2

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In part-two of Ashley’s final episode, listeners will get to meet fellow CYBEX Mama Mentor Top 10 finalist, Raksha! 



Ashley and Raksha will continue to chat through the expectations vs. realities of motherhood, the importance of making new mama friends, and how unique cultural traditions play a role in the post-partum journey. 


Show notes: 
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Hello and welcome to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast. Cybex started this series as a recent study found that 80% of women at three months postpartum say they feel more alone than ever. Designed to help mitigate feeling isolated, the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast series aims to help moms across North America cope with the feeling of isolation and the huge identity shift that comes with parenthood. Hello, it is your Cybex Mama Mentor Ashley and welcome to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast.

This is part two of a two -part episode. And on this week's episode, we'll be talking to Raksha, who is a fellow Cybex top 10 mama mentor finalist. So excited to have Raksha to here to talk a little bit about expectations versus reality and continue our conversation from last week. As a reminder, this looks different for everybody, which is why I'm so excited to bring you another perspective this week. Raksha, welcome to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk.

First congrats on being a fellow Cybex Mama Mentor finalist and winner of the early bird prize. Yes. What did you get? my god, I have like I'm like, it was so hard for me to decide all the products I wanted. But I got the Cybex i-Priam stroller and I absolutely love it. So good. Love it. And I got it in a nice beige, which just works perfectly for our house and our our son. Yeah, I love it. We got the Cybex Coya in the beige and it's

It's so good. Beautiful. beige. So Raksha, maybe I'll pass it over to you just to do a quick intro for those that didn't see your wonderful video and you can share with them who you are. Absolutely. First of all, Ashley, thank you so much for having me. I'm Raksha. I am a new mom, first time mom of a little four month old boy. His name is Atreya and I'm also an immigrant. So

Born in India, brought up in the Middle East and Kuwait. And I've been in Canada since I was a student, which was about 17 years ago. It's mad that I've been here this long and Toronto is home for me. I'm so excited to raise Atreya here. So yeah, that's a little bit about myself. I love it. And I love Atreya's name. You shared a little bit about the meaning, but would you mind sharing on the podcast? So his name actually means receptacle of glory.

complicated words, which I'm still trying to figure out what the meanings of those things are. But it actually ties back to the name of our ancestral sage. Love it. Yeah. It's beautiful. So how Raksha and I met, actually followed Raksha on Instagram and then we just started messaging and DMing and having some conversations. We very quickly moved to WhatsApp. Yes. It became real. And I'm so excited for you to join me here on the podcast and just chat. Yes. Today, what we are going to do is just have

our first real in -person conversation and record it. We're gonna touch on expectations versus reality of being a new mom. We're gonna show what meeting new moms can feel like and sound like, because it can be a little bit scary. We're gonna share our experiences and hopefully our journeys can help someone in some way, or at least hopefully people can have a laugh with us. Definitely. So let's dive right in. Have you met a new mom in an unusual way? Our journey of just meeting each other.

on Instagram and I remember even the first time we kind of tagged into each other I was like it took me a good few minutes to be like who's Ashley? you know because I know I have my private like Instagram and I was like who's Ashley? And I think I've been meeting moms in like yoga groups and mom walks and I had to like be like Ashley Ashley then I was like yes Ashley but yeah like look at us recording a podcast together and the first time we're doing like I'm doing something like this so this is really like unique and exciting. Yeah it's so fun and it can escalate quickly I think that's the beauty of being a mom is

whether it's like, hey, I saw your video and what you said really resonated with me and I wanted to follow you and I wanted to message you and talk about it. It's just, feel like once you become a mom, there's this like whole open door of like, the mom wants to chat to me. I will chat about anything at any time of day. Yes. And I feel like it's also one of those things you're walking in the street, you see a mom with a stroller, there's a head nod. Totally. yeah, I see you. I know what you're going through. We got each other. Even if you're not talking to each other, there's that smile and the head nod. you're like, yes. You know. And it's, feel like out of nowhere,

I'm generally a very like, I'm an extra work, but I still find it hard to like meet people and just have conversations. But I feel like becoming a mom suddenly you're just like, yeah, like you seeming to like easily talk to people and there's such relatability all of a sudden, right? Like their journeys are never identical, but there's still so much similarity that you can always have something in common and you're like, yes, I hear you. And I think the empathy level of just talking to a mom is just like, it hits differently. A hundred percent. I remember.

I was out on a patio with Ivy and I had like strayed too far from home to go home for a diaper change and we needed a diaper change. Like it was a messy poop if I'm being honest. And I'm starting to like change her on the patio. I've got my change bag. I'm like, okay, I'm doing this. I'm a mom. I'm out in the wild. I can change your messy poop in the wild. And I'm changing her and I like go to get my wipes. I have two wipes. no. And it's a messy poop.

Honestly, at that moment, clouds parted, the sun started shining, and this mom turned the corner with her stroller, saw me in full distress. My child was naked, and she was like, anything you need, I have. And I was like, aw. Like, it was just, I was just like, this is what mom life is like. Any mom that needs help, if a mom needs help, I will give her anything. You need my shirt, I will give it to you. I understand what those moments are so clearly, that whatever you

You can have from me. yes. So funny. OK, so I want to like jump in. And as we talk about like expectation reality, there's so many things that I think you can like envision for your mat leave being a new mom. And I'd love we've talked like very lightly about your breastfeeding journey. But I'd love if you're open to it to like go deeper in it and for you to like share with me and us

your breastfeeding journey, what did you envision and what ended up happening? yeah, for sure. When I was pregnant, you know, you're, you're kind of like planning for the future. You're like, this is what I'm going do. This is like, you know, you're envisioning yourself in this like nice hat and you're going to like wear all these clothes or maybe you're not going to be taking that shower. You, you just think differently when you're pregnant. that's the whole expectation versus reality. So I remember sitting there being like, I'm going to be breastfeeding and I'm going to be pumping. Like I'm going to do two things.

because I wanted my husband to also participate in the feeding of the child. And I was like, pumping will give me independence. Because then if I were to step out, I could. Maybe I didn't have to take Atreya everywhere with me because then my husband could step in. So in my head, I was manifesting a breastfeeding and pumping. That's what I was gonna do. I remember telling Atreya when he was in my stomach being like, babe, this is what we're gonna do. Support me. Everyone's on board. Yeah, was like, come on, dad. Come on, baby. We're all on board. And it just so happened when Atreya

he was a tiny baby. He turned out being a little bit smaller than expected. He was four pounds 12. So he was really tiny. I was shocked because my husband's a tall guy. I'm not very petite myself. So I was just like, how can we make a small baby? But he turned out just fine. He's doing great now. But it just so happened that at that point, because of the whole sugar testing and everything.

We had to, they had to supplement him with formula right from the get go. The sugars, I feel, yeah, we had to do the same. Tough. And you know, it kind of like, you're like, yeah, you just got to do what you got to do in that moment of time. And so we're like, sure, let's do the formula. But at that point, I remember the doctor just, or the lactation consultant being like, listen, he's a tiny baby. He doesn't have energy. So don't keep him on for more than five minutes per breast.

So tough at beginning. Exactly. then in the beginning, I remember like I put him on, was like, latch, great. Yeah, this kid's drinking. This was before the lactation consultant walked in. And then at that point, like when he's on and, then she came and she's like, he's not even latched. Like, what are you talking about? And then at that point he was barely like suckling, but long and short is I think weeks past this whole idea of breastfeeding and pumping. And I just found it incredibly hard. The combination. And I was doing all three because they told me I had to breastfeed.

I had a formal feed and I had a pump. So it was mad. Like I remember just feeling so isolated in that journey. And I remember taking a mental toll. Like I was having multiple breakdowns over like, feed time was just so like, I'd be like, my God, he has to feed again. Like that was the thought instead of it being like, yeah, like I'm gonna feed my child and my child's gonna grow. And then the guilt sits on like, but he needs to go, he needs to put on weight. That stuff kicks in out of nowhere. First let me say.

You are a goddess for doing the triple feed. was telling you this earlier. think any mom that does formula feeding hero, any mom that does breastfeeding hero, you do the triple feed for any amount of time. And you are like, it's goddess. I have mad respect for like, so now I've switched out from like, I caved in to the idea of just formula feeding my child. Yeah, because I didn't work with my milk just never came in. Yeah. The pumping was torture. The breastfeeding was torture. And he

just be so upset at me every time I brought him in. So I was like, you know what, let's just, that is best. This kid needs to put on weight. That's what's more important. And he needs to be healthy. So we switched to formula and it was good for my mental health because I realized I was just spiraling downward. But I have immense respect for moms. Again, to your point, however way you're feeding your baby, yay you, like so proud. But I have like mad respect for moms who push through the pumping and the feeding and

got through it because I think it's a struggle no matter what and I feel like when you're pregnant you just have this expectation yeah breastfeeding yeah easy like just put the baby on and looks gonna come and yeah it's natural yeah just figure it out and I feel like even the few moms I had around me who all breastfed I have family who had a horrible breastfeeding journey and she pushed through like she pushed through and I was like she did it I can do it right like you have that too like so I've

those horribles like not I wouldn't call it a horrible story, but just the journey was so hard that I was like, she pushed through she did it. So I knew the struggles like I knew breastfeeding was not easy peasy. But for whatever reason, I just thought like, put baby baby drinks and success. Yeah, easy. But then as you as I was doing it, I was like, I wish I'd known how hard this Yeah, like I wish somebody had actually even told you the reality that I know very hard. And I

I watched all those TikTok videos of those moms who pump through the night and they post the video about pumping through the night. I asked my family, was like, did you guys do this? And they're like, no, I mean, you do it for a good chunk and then you stop. So I was under the impression that I just have to do it through the day, don't have to do it at night. But somewhere I think it's come to the realization that it was not, like, I just wish I'd known was still going to be hard no matter, like, I don't know. that expectation was this reality.

But in some way, you still got a little bit of your expectation because formula feeding, like all three of you could, like, you know, you could feed him, your partner could still feed him. Maybe it wasn't the same way you envisioned yourself feeding him. Like, I'm curious, like once you like switched to formula, how did that land? Were you able to like be at peace with it because you realized some of your vision or were you still like, this is not what I wanted? what a good question. I think it was like a 50 -50. Yeah. Like a part of me was like, okay.

Yep, Fed is best, yes. But then there's that incy bit of mom guilt, which was like, did I give it all? So I always question myself if I gave it everything. You did though. Again, that's what it looks like. But I feel like internally, I was like, maybe I should push another week. Maybe I should, like it was like, maybe I should push another feed. Maybe I should push another day. So, but then I had this good advice given to me, which was you have to decide what timeline you're going to stick with. Like in the sense

For some people, they could push through for six months and then give up. For some people, could push through, they could work hard for 12 months. So you have to decide what is that timeframe for you. You can't go with like what others did. Like you have to jump into you. And when we switched to formula, there was a weight that like was lifted off my shoulder. Like I was feeling a relief, but there was also a sense of guilt because suddenly it was like, did you do everything you could? Did you give it all you had?

then I remember having moments where I'm feeding him and I think this was my baby blues as well, where I'd be sitting there crying and I'm just like, this kid would never know what breast milk was. Or not that, that's not true. He knew what breast milk was, but you know, just knowing like, or you know, you hear about the bonding with like breastfeeding and I was like, will he ever like, will we have this? Will he ever know about it? And like, you know, did I, could I have done something more? It's always the, could I have done more? Should I have done more?

But then I think steadily, thanks to the support of my husband and the people around me, I was like, you know what? No, is best. Fed is best. Like end of the day, he's happy and I saw him thriving and the way it seemed to be something that kind of like made like, you he was starting. Yeah, I figured it out. And and yeah, we've been happier. I think as a family, we've been happier. And you're right, my husband's participating, hence I'm able to come record here today and he's getting fed at home. So we kind of worked out.

You know, it's funny, someone I worked with, one of my managers once that shared with me, you you need to put on your own oxygen mask first. And, you know, they say that in the safety training, in the plane. the flight, yes. And we don't think about it in life. But as a mom, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first. So you know what? Good for you. Like you did that. You made that tough decision. Yeah. But you're better for it. And probably, you know, he's better for for it. Yes. And honestly, I think it's so important. And I think as moms,

We all, I'm sure you might too at some point, just like, you you sacrifice yourself for the baby and sometimes everything you want to do is always put on the back burner and priority is baby. I think somewhere you got to, you got to take care of yourself. Yeah, there's a balance. Exactly. So you mentioned a little bit about his weight. He was a small guy when he was born. Yes. And so I'm curious. You talked a little bit about mom guilt. Thelia?

been there. like tell me about what that baby's weight gain journey was like in the beginning. and what did you expect and how did you feel? I feel like we may bond here a little bit. with Atria's weight, you know, again, that initial, everybody tells you baby needs to put on weight. I think you, would have heard it too. We did. Yeah. Right. Ivy was just under seven pounds and we got made to feel like pretty bad parents for the first week. I don't understand why that happens. Like, you

don't you want more empathy in this world where again, you're a new mom, you yourself are questioning everything you're doing in that moment. That first week, I know I don't even remember what I did in the first week. Like it's a blur, but I remember just like, you have no idea, you're figuring things out. And no matter how many books you read and how many videos you watch or how many classes you attend, when you suddenly got to like figure things out, it's just like, I don't know. I just couldn't. But coming back to like the point on the weight gain,

I remember going to my pediatrician's office and they're like, like he needs to jump back to birth weight. you're like, we all know that. Right. Yes. You did it. That is my main goal. Yes. Birth weight, birth weight, birth weight, birth weight. This kid got back to birth weight within the week. wow. That's great. But we'll see, you know, like, so he lost little. Yeah. But he put on the weight in a week. So we go to the pediatrician's office. I remember it was a Tuesday and she's like, by Friday, we'd like him to be at birth weight. You're like, that's a bit of a tight timeline, but sure. No problem.

got there on Friday, he's put on birth weight and an extra 10 grams and you're just like, woohoo! I am the best Karen ever. you're like, you're feeling it, you're like, you're doing your happy dance. And then the pediatrician was like, guys, what's going on? Like, he's not putting on weight. And you're like, wait, excuse me? did we not do the math here? Like, are you not math -ing? Like, even though that's not a word. Like, I'm like, are you not doing your math? And she's like, no, but like, he needs to be putting on like 40 grams.

a day. Right. And right now he's averaging whatever, let's say 23. And you're like, but you didn't tell me that. Yeah. So she didn't tell me that. And so I just remember walking out of that appointment, just feeling so like so much guilt about like, are we bad parents? Are we not feeding our child? Right. And I don't know why they make you feel like and so the next appointment came and he'd still not hit the 40 grams per day. He's still short. And so again, the question was not about like, like it was the empathy aspect that it was lacking, I felt. And she was just

Guys, what's going on? Like, how are you feeding him? It's like, no, I'm not feeding him. Like, I'm just sitting there eating my dinner and I'm just starving my child. Yeah, it's so tough because I think, like, I have this vision that I'd be coddling my newborn and we'd be breastfeeding her and it'd be like butterflies and like it would all be rosy. And we had an appointment every single day the first week after she was born,

I did not know that happened. You don't even give the child a chance to do anything if you're going to check them every day. getting out of the house with a newborn for the first time takes an hour and half. So we're at this appointment and I'm like, okay, I've fed, my nipples are raw. am like, you know, like I've done all the things, like hopefully she's gained weight. Please do not poop before they you. You are like, hold it in. Hold everything in.

And every single appointment I left that week, I was in tears. felt so awful and so bad. I get it. Like my main goal was for her to gain weight. Payden's main goal was for her to gain. The only goal was get this baby to birth weight and they make you feel real bad. hundred percent. And what bothers me about all of this is like, these are people in the medical, like, you know, they're all like medical practitioners who probably deal with this more regularly. So I'm

Why aren't we being a little bit more empathetic to new parents and just give them the chance to figure it out? Yeah. yeah, I don't, I, never got it. I remember just walk both my husband and I walked out of that appointment. We were so angry. We want to change pediatricians because to your, if we jump into the expectation versus reality outside of the weight gain, were like pediatrician fluffy rainbows, like, know, they'll be all cute with the kid. Nothing. Just like the most straight face, just like,

blah, blah, blah, da, da. Okay, what's happening? Not gaining weight. And then you're just like. Yeah, that first week wasn't as magical as I had envisioned. And it was, I definitely was like, my gosh, I'm feeling guilty already. I've had this baby for like three days. What is my life going to be like? What have I done? You know, it does pass and I'm happy that he's gained weight. Ivy also gained weight. We're, good. They're thriving now, but it's a tough time. It is. And I just wish like people were

empathetic to that, like our own medical practitioners. Okay, Rakshya. So you mentioned you were born in India, raised in Kuwait. And so I'm curious, how do feel your culture has impacted your postpartum experience? my goodness. This is such a deep question. Well, you've already showed up with a gift for Ivy and I because you mentioned that that's part of your culture. I'd love to hear a little bit more about it. Well, sure. So I think one of the things was, again, and I don't know if this is my family thing or if it's

But I feel like in our culture, again, I'm South Asian, I'm Indian, you know, the moment your daughter's pregnant, like the mom will be there, like for postpartum help. So my mom showed up, my mom and dad, both of them showed up literally two days before Rathri. was like, so like I was getting induced ahead of schedule. they didn't know until they showed up where I was like, mom, dad. So the day after I'm going in to have him.

So my mom was like, my God, you should have told me I would have come 10 days before to like feed you and nourish you. you know, it's every mother's dream to like, which I'm sure we will have for our kids as they grow up, maybe who knows. but basically what I, what I kind of liked was again, it was about staying for extended period of time. So, I think culturally it's about, what I've heard is about 45 to 60 days. you're almost in a quarantine.

We didn't do it, thankfully, because I would have lost my mind if I had to stay at home for 45 days. But for 45 days, you're actually eating a very, a very power packed nutritious meal. That sounds amazing. It was delicious. But also like it's, it's meant to help with recovery. It's how it's meant to help with healing with breastfeeding. So the food that you consume all is supposed to

produce more milk which unfortunately it didn't happen so my mother was very bothered by the fact that she's like what am I doing wrong why she felt moment of time but like you know you cook very heavily with like certain types of lentils you cook more with turmeric and ginger yeah like the good stuff black pepper and like yeah the good stuff and like very little spice because they want your body to like stay cool

So those are some very interesting things where I learned about these very specific meals. So suddenly my mom said, yeah, no pasta for you. And I was like, I don't get to eat pasta. She's like, not for 45 days, like no pizza, no pasta, none of your burgers, no bread. And I was like, wait, what are you talking about? But they nourish you very differently. And there's a lot of like, she brought a whole lot of herbal stuff, which I was kind of surprised that customs kind of let her bring all that stuff. Like I was like, Ma, like, I don't know how you did it.

But you know, it came with like every day she would, as I was walking by or if I was lying in bed, she'd just come and like put something in my mouth. because she realized if she let me do it, I would never get to it. have time. I would never. You triple feeding. You did not have time. That too. But she was like, yeah, I, you were not going to do it, but you know, she'd be like, okay, drink this little herbal thing. Like this is going to help with like releasing back pain and this is going to release like your like healing. It's going to help healing, not release your healing, like help your healing.

Even like with breastfeeding. So it was just very interesting for me to see that and I've had conversations with mother other moms Who come from different cultural backgrounds and they all have something to say about yeah in our culture We do like more chicken broth or we do more like we cook less with potatoes and more with tomatoes like stuff like that I found it very interesting that there is some similarity But I think for me what was just interesting is my mom being like yeah for 45 days extra extra stuff but my mom was kind enough to give me a little

early on past that. I gonna say, you get some past that's not in there? I did. She was kind enough to be like, listen, if it's whole wheat, like you're okay. Because trust me, day two, was like, Ma, I want some crispy snacks. until then I was getting more mushy food. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm just like, Ma, I want texture. I want something. I more. I want fun. And she's like, you just had a baby. And I was like, I know, but I want fun snacks. And so she actually ended up going to, she messaged her sister and is like, listen, like she wants something fun. Like what can we give?

So my mom started doing her research and she found some snacks for me, which was fun. Like was great popcorn, which is actually true. It was popcorn. And I was like, this is great. But yeah, it was, was kind of nice to see all that. And she prepped like two months back home, but like making all these powders at home. even to like quicken her time of cooking, because she knew with the baby, she didn't want her on the blender or you know, the thoughtful. Yeah. So she made a lot of these like spices and stuff and she brought it. So all she had to do was

vegetables and put the powder and mix. So she really put in a lot of effort into prepping for me and I'm ever so grateful because I had a hot meal every day during my first like six, seven weeks. It's amazing. Till now I'm so blessed I have in -laws staying with me. I'm still getting hot meals so I'm very grateful and thankful for it but I think it's a cultural thing too where they it's like there's no way they would have not come. Right it's interesting because I when we had

Ivy, we had a doula and she said, know, historically, like you would have, I didn't even know how to bath a baby before I had Ivy. I actually had never changed a diaper before I changed her diaper. the doula was like, yeah, well, culturally we used to live in communities and you're, would have learned this from your sister or your cousin or your mom or your aunt. But now we're like in this age where we actually all live pretty far from our families. Like even, you know, my mom is 40 minutes away. It's not that far, but it's still.

you she's not going to be coming over and changing a diaper for me. Yeah. And so it just you have to be more intentional about being there. And so very interesting. My mom didn't come stay with me for 45 days, although I would have loved it. She did come every week and I would have a couple set days. And I liked her being here for those days. And I also I love my mom. I also liked when she went home for a few days, you know, like the balance of the balance of it. Yeah. So it is really interesting because I do think

I literally had no idea how to bathe. I remember standing there looking at the dula being like, what do do? Like, is the water temperature okay? Like, what happens here? Because I had never done it before. And that's like all of our first experiences, right? Totally. Like, I have a funny story about like not knowing what to do is first poop explosion. goodness. And the clothes have it. And I'm just like, how do you wash this? Like, I remember just standing there being like, ugh, first of all.

Do we just throw this in the garbage and start again? Yeah, I was like, should I burn these clothes? But then I was like, well, it's my favorite set of onesie. Totally. And so I was just standing in the bathroom being like, Ma, what do I do? And she's like, well, you want to put this. so she was kind of like teaching me how to clean up poopy. And she's like, if you want, I'll do it. And I was like, well, you would do it now. But once you're gone, I have to do it. So you might as well teach me. But you know, it's that stuff. Yeah, it's quite fun.

That's so nice that your mom came and stayed with you. Okay, Raksha, I thought we could end our time together by doing a little bit of a game. I don't exactly know how this is going to work because I made up this game, but let's see. So I'm going to give you like a thing, a baby thing. And I would love to know like what your reality with it is. Okay. So like what you made of thought and then just like what the reality is. Okay. And like one or two words to describe it. Reality of baby poop.

always thought it was gonna be crazy and it's been crazier. Breastfeeding? Thought it was gonna be unicorns in magical and it was far from that. Sleeping? I thought it was gonna be horrible. No sleep ever in my life for the next 18 years. It's not been that bad. I've been sleeping for five hours, which isn't too bad. That's great. Birth? Hoping for a very easy, simple one and got something that was a lot more complicated than expected.

Moving baby out of your room. Is he out of your room? Is he in your room? Currently in my room. We'll be moving out in August. Quite excited about it. As weird as that sounds. Yeah. No judge in place. You do you. Meeting mom friends. didn't expect me to get out very quickly about it, but I'm so happy I did because I love building the community and I can see how important it is to have this community. I'm very excited about it. Well, Rakshya.

Thank you so much for joining me. It has been wonderful to meet you and to get to know you a little bit more. This has been so much fun. you know, it's wonderful to be a Cybex Mama mentor with you. I love this, Ashley. Thank you so much for the opportunity. It's been so fun, like you said, like having this conversation. And honestly, it's been a lovely bonding time with you. So thank you for the opportunity. I it. Thank you, everyone, for listening to the Cybex Hot Mom Walk podcast. I can think of no better way to end this whole

Cybex Mama Mentor Journey then with a fellow Cybex Top 10 finalist. It's been such a joy to get to know you, Raksha. And for all of you listening, for all of you new moms expecting moms, expecting families, you know, you've got this. Remember to take care of yourself first and you've got this. 

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