The Identity Factor Podcast

A Secure Self Worth With Amber Grauer

July 09, 2023 Robin Keesler
A Secure Self Worth With Amber Grauer
The Identity Factor Podcast
More Info
The Identity Factor Podcast
A Secure Self Worth With Amber Grauer
Jul 09, 2023
Robin Keesler

In this episode, certified life coach Amber Grauer takes us on a powerful exploration of the link between a secure sense of our own self worth and what it means to be an effective and truly impactful leader.

Join us for this powerful conversation around leadership, identity and mental health as Amber Grauer shares her own journey of discovering her secure self-worth and how it helped her to create safe and supportive environments for those she leads.

Amber shares her own struggles with depression and how she overcame her own brain in order to build a strong sense of self. She also offers practical advice for listeners who want to improve their own mental health and leadership skills.

Don't miss this inspiring conversation on how to be kinder to yourself and to those around you as you step into becoming a more heart-centered leader in your community.

If you enjoyed this episode, share it on your favorite social media platform so that someone else that might need to hear this message today will be able to find it.

Register for the virtual live event finale happening May 19th-21st at where you are going to get an entire weekend of value packed, heart felt love and support from our amazing team of leaders that are walking this path right along side you. 

See you inside!

Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, certified life coach Amber Grauer takes us on a powerful exploration of the link between a secure sense of our own self worth and what it means to be an effective and truly impactful leader.

Join us for this powerful conversation around leadership, identity and mental health as Amber Grauer shares her own journey of discovering her secure self-worth and how it helped her to create safe and supportive environments for those she leads.

Amber shares her own struggles with depression and how she overcame her own brain in order to build a strong sense of self. She also offers practical advice for listeners who want to improve their own mental health and leadership skills.

Don't miss this inspiring conversation on how to be kinder to yourself and to those around you as you step into becoming a more heart-centered leader in your community.

If you enjoyed this episode, share it on your favorite social media platform so that someone else that might need to hear this message today will be able to find it.

Register for the virtual live event finale happening May 19th-21st at where you are going to get an entire weekend of value packed, heart felt love and support from our amazing team of leaders that are walking this path right along side you. 

See you inside!

 Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Identity Factor Podcast. My name is Robin Keesler and I will be your host. Let's go. 

Today we are talking with Amber Grauer.  Amber is a life coach for women and teachers. Specifically, she's the creator of the taking back your brain coaching program. That helps you to be able to take back your power in order to create the life that you most want.

She is a master of processing emotions and holding space for humans that are going through all the things that life throws their way. And of course she started that mastery with her own life first and now she gets to share it with others. And I can just feel your mastery, Amber, of that work as you talk and as you, it's just so evident that you have done this work and gone on this journey for yourself.

And so what an honor to be able to share that with other people and to be able to hold space and help them to be able to do the same thing. So that they can actually be more effective in their lives. And so I would like to invite all of you to welcome Amber onto the podcast. It's so nice to have you here.

Amber. If there's anything else that you'd like to say or introduce yourself at all, please go ahead and then we will dive into this conversation on Yeah, I'm just so excited to be here, so I am ready to get started. All right, let's do it. Okay. So Amber, uh, the first thing I'd like to talk about as we get ready to jump into this conversation around, um, leadership.

And mental health, right? Mm-hmm. About identity and our mental health and emotional health. I first think it's helpful to start with a definition, so what does mental health or mental fitness mean for you? So for me, mental health is like really the awareness of your brain, your brain patterns, and learning how to process your emotions.

Because the only way that you can have that mental health or mental fitness is by able to process your emotions, feel your emotions, and be aware of that, even the thoughts that you don't know are in your brain. And I think it's also being aware of and open to knowing yourself and who you really are.

Mm-hmm. So I think, um, Like growing up I experienced depression. And so not knowing what I was experiencing, I was very upset at myself or frustrated with myself of like, why can't I just be that happy person? And so I think as I got education and I became more aware of like, what is depression? And then I learned about life coaching and I learned about the brain.

I think so many people don't have the knowing of like what our brain does. And how our thoughts truly do affect us, along with like the chemicals in our body and the hormones. So I think like mental health is knowing all of that and educating yourself on all of it so that you can be mentally fit. Yeah, which I think mentally fit is like the maintenance of being in your brain, knowing what's going on with your body, your emotions, and mentally knowing your cycles, like your ups and downs.

And being there for yourself through it, like with compassion and with love, because I think you can't be mentally fit if you're not loving yourself through it, if you're not like showing yourself compassion and grace. Yeah, totally. Because. Love, compassion. All of those emotional experiences are a part of mental and emotional health, right?

Like Yes. That's part of it too. Yeah, because I think so often we wanna criticize ourself or judgment ourself into changing ourselves versus like really showing ourself the compassion and love that we need during those times or during those seasons of like for me it's depression, low cycles. Like how can I show up for myself then?

Mm. So what does that look like for you, Amber, when you, so you talked about that awareness piece, understanding your brain, right? Yeah. And, um, so when you, now that you're in this place where you understand your brain and you know, okay, this is, this is called depression. This is what depression feels like.

Um, what does that look like for you specifically? Right. Nuts and bolts. Yeah. Well, and I think the biggest thing is I used to get so mad at myself for being tired, mad at myself for my production being low. Like the house wasn't at the level I wanted it to be. My own going outside or exercising wasn't where it needed to be, but I would criticize and judge myself.

You know? I'd be so negative at myself, like, why can't you just be grateful? You know, like everything people tell you like, oh, why do you have depression? Like, your life is so great. You know, so then I would like tell myself like, why can't you just be happy? And now that I know, like I am a very happy person and I experience depression.

I am a positive person, and I experience depression. So it's like meeting myself with that love and compassion. Like if I need more rest, I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm allowing myself that days. And sometimes it's weeks of really nurturing my need to rest, nurturing my need, not to be exhorting myself.

So I think that's what, and I'm not rejecting the part of me that has depression. Yeah. I'm like saying, okay, we have depression. How can I support you? Like what do you need right now? Yeah. And I think that's been the biggest shift. Yeah. Have you noticed a benefit to doing that? Like when you say, okay, I'm not rejecting this part of me that has depression.

Mm-hmm. Like what has been the benefit of just bringing that shadow side, if you will? No. Into, into light and just allowing it to be a part of you. I think since I'm not resisting it so much, I let the motions flow through me. So my down cycles haven't lasted as long, or they're not as heavy when they're there because I'm not resisting all of the motions that are currently in my body.

Yes. Like I'm welcoming in them. I'm like, okay, we feel like a heavy cloud and our chest is heavy. Instead of like pushing through and doing all the things and making my pressure so much heavier, I'm going to just lie down and let my pressure flow out. So I think the benefit has been like the depression cycles, they don't go as low, and I think that they don't feel as heavy because I'm comforting myself in the process.

Yeah. It's like, I love that analogy of like, you know, when we're resisting it or fighting it or shaming it or trying to hide it or any of those things, it's like damning up a river. Exactly. And trying to stop the river. And so it's like the river can't flow. Exactly. Instead of damning up the river, when we open up to it, we allow that energy to move.

We allow that energy to flow. We get really good. We learn how to process an emotion, which processing an emotion is different. Than feeling an emotion. Mm-hmm. It's different than being at the effect of emotion. Right? Yeah. So many people are like, I felt my pain, I felt my stuff. I've been like, I don't wanna blah, blah, blah.

And it's like, but, but notice that that being in an emotion is different than being with an emotion. Right in Washington and, and like you're actually like with it and people are like, they tell me all the time and they're like, but then it's gonna control me. I was like, no, it's actually controlling you right now because you're not flowing with it.

So it's actually holding you right now as captain versus like, like if you actually feel it, process it, hold it, you are now in control. It's, you've shown your brain the capacity that you can feel it. And I think knowing too that it doesn't last forever. Because when you are going through depression cycles, you do feel like this is gonna last forever.

But knowing now, like I can get through this and I don't have to be mean to myself and it's not gonna last forever. And talk about for a minute, Amber, this idea of identity as it relates to depression, right? So for example, right? Because for me, as a person that has experienced, you know, Depression is definitely one of my, uh, my deepest, darkest shadows that has been with me ever since I was a little kid.

And, um, and I resonate wholeheartedly with everything that you were saying about learning how to deal with it. Mm-hmm. And that's super on point for me as well. Um, but one of the things I noticed is that I used to identify with it, right? And so it kind of became about. Like who I was and there was so much about that.

Whereas now I feel like when I am in that cycle, like you said, of depression, and I'm noticing it. Mm-hmm. Um, I don't identify myself with it anymore or as that it's not mm-hmm. Who I am. Exactly. It's what I'm going through, but it's not who I am. Well, and that's why I don't say I'm a person with depression.

I'm a person who experiences depression because I used to make it mean like I can. My brain was telling me like, depression means you can ever be positive. Depression means you're not like, A positive person. So then I took it to me and I'm not a positive person because I have depression, which means I can't be a happy person cuz I have depression.

You know what I mean? Like sucks. Like I can't be content because I have depression and how can you have a happy life or be happy with who you are if you are a person with depression? So I definitely, as learning about life coaching and knowing that I can hold space outside of me kind of for my depression.

So knowing that this is what I'm experiencing, but it's not who I am, and especially the thoughts that I have about myself when I have depression, those are not me. It is not my soul. It's just something I experience. Yeah. You are not your brain. Yes. You are not your thoughts. You are not your self-talk.

You are not your emotions. Mm-hmm. You are not your shame. You are not your fear. You are not your depression. You are not your insecurity. You are not any of that crap. You are not how much money you make. Yeah. And I think so often we are not taught that. We're taught that our brain is our friend and our brain is telling us all of the truths, right?

And through this work I've learned that no, your brain is actually not always your best friend. And it's sometimes is telling you lies about even your soul and who you are. So I think that awareness just helped me. Be a person who like, cuz I also have insecure attachment, right. And my reactions to people or to certain circumstances, I would get so mad at myself for like, my reactions are like, why are you being so dramatic?

And now I like can hold space even for those like, of course I'm gonna overreact right now in this moment. Of course my brain is freaking out. Yeah. But that doesn't mean I am not that person. It just means my body had a response. And he, I think that work is like the work. Yes. In the future life, even though you still experience it, like I still very much experience depression.

I still very much experience insecure attachment, but I can handle it, like I can process it and I don't feel like it owns my life. Yeah, yeah. So if we are not our brain, mm-hmm. If we are not our emotions, if we are not our. Parenting status if we are not our relationship status, if we are not all of those things, if that's not what defines who we are, then Amber, for all the people that are listening going, what the hell?

You just, what are we then? Who am I? Yeah. How do we define when we talk about identity and the truth of who we really are, where does that come from? Well, and I think since society's so constructed it, it's a society construct. But for me it's like I'm my essence and I'm my soul. And when I am in my like higher brain of like, who is my future?

Me, I think that's who I am and who I am as love. Like I think that is, if I'm not acting or being in love, then it's not my soul. It's not my being. Yes. And so, but I've done, yeah, I think the identity part has done a lot of work of like. Then who am I? What does this mean? But why do we have to be a who or a what for anything?

Like why do we keep doing that to ourselves? Why can't we just be in our being and experience the life? Yes, a little. Yeah. My friend recently said that he's like, when he does his meditations, he's like, I just meditate on that. These two words. Do you know what they are? Mm-hmm. I am. Yes. That is so good.

He's like, and I don't put anything after it. Mm-hmm. He's like, I just meditate on that. That, like you said, that essence, that being, whether you call it your soul, your source, your spirit, your heart, but it's like at the true core of who you are is love, is joy. Right? Is, is just this bright, beautiful, beautiful light that each and every one of us have and mm-hmm.

And we cannot add to it. We cannot take away from it. Away from it. You can't, there's nothing you can do. You can't get it, you cannot get it wrong. Right? Sometimes we, we cover ourselves up with a bunch of garbage. Sometimes we do, right? Like we, we, we pile all this, this stuff onto, onto our light. Right. We add shame, we add judgment, we add criticisms, condit.

Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. And I love that analogy of like the sky, right? That blue sky or whatever, that it's always there. And sometimes dark clouds kind of come over it and you can't see it in the moment, but it's always there. And I think that's such a beautiful analogy for our, well, I'm gonna take your, yeah.

And I'm gonna take your analogy even further, like, because we wouldn't have the amazing sunsets that we have without class. So even how the sun reflects on all the clouds that are there, we wouldn't have those beautiful sunsets without those clouds. You know what I mean? Yes. Like, so even one step further is like, yes, I love the blue sky, but I love Mia Sunset, and I could not have that sunset without the clouds that linger.

Oh. Thank you for saying that. Thank you. Because that is it, right? As we talk about, I mean this whole series, this whole summit, everything that we're doing here, talking about the shadow side, like that's it, Amber. That's the whole point, is like these parts of us that we try to hide or deny these parts that we're ashamed of the darkness that we think, first of all, it doesn't define us, but second of all, it also does not constrain us or limit us unless we're resisting it.

Yes. Unless we're fighting it. And knowing too, like that we do have secure self-worth, like our self-worth is inherent, which I think is big. And like really knowing and understanding that because when I first found my poaching, I did not believe that. I had to earn my self worth. I had to prove my self worth.

And so of course, having depression, I was not proving my worth. So that was like, things were not inclined or in sync, inclined, but you know what I mean? Like, so now that I know like my, like my, I am inherently worthy exactly as I am without changing any parts of me, allows me to enjoy that sunset more because my depression is not taking away from my worthiness of the life that I want.

That's it. That's it. Right? Yeah. Can I, can I get an amen? Yes.

But it's so great that we don't talk about like those things and that isn't talked about enough that you guys are like, we are so worthy exactly as we are, even with all these things that we do experience. Yeah. Yeah. And I think you modeled this so beautifully already, but I would still love to ask you this question about balancing.

Right. This balancing act and so of when it comes to vulnerability and strength, right, because I think so many of us are afraid to show our. Insecurities, we're afraid to show the areas of weakness. Mm-hmm. Like right. We're afraid to show the places where we're cracking a little bit. Mm-hmm. Like right now, me, as I'm putting together this summit and all the things, I'm like, I might just be cracking.

No. But then it's all good. It's just for a second. But just notice, right? Like when, whenever there's that time where it's like, okay, this load is getting really big, it's getting really heavy. Like sometimes I think we're afraid to show where our knees are shaking, where we're weak, where we don't feel strong, and where we feel needy or whatever those things are that we think in our brain, mm-hmm.

Would make the world say, she's not worthy. She's not good enough. And so I think as leaders, Sometimes whether that's, again, as a teacher, as a parent, as a pastor, as a, as a business owner, right? And we, we feel the need sometimes to put on this, this front, this facade to, to look strong. And so, um, because if I show this underbelly, I'm gonna lose respect.

I'm gonna lose authority. I'm gonna lose something. And so I'm curious, Amber. How do you personally balance vulnerability and strength as a leader? Right. Especially when things are hard. Mm-hmm. And I think like the, the balance, right? I just think in general is hard because I feel like it's such a myth of like the balancing being able to do, but I think you carry it both at the same time.

It's not like one or the other. So I think when I share my vulnerability, it is the strength. Like I feel like, um, And I do pay attention to like the audience I'm sharing it with. You know, like, I do hold, like, can I trust this person? Are these my people? But I think as a leader, like when you're showing you have a, a big audience, I think showing up in your authentic self is the strength.

Even though it feels terrifying, you know, being seen is so scary. So I think the balancing of it is like, I don't think there is a real balance. I think it's within it. Oh, you just blew my mind. I asked the question and I didn't even know that answer. But that's what I think. Like I don't think, I think balance is like an illusion.

I think it's when we can do it in, in one, like be find the strength to be vulnerable and see it as a strength versus being. Weak or because our society tells us that, right. That we're weak if we show any of these imperfections. But I think that's the strength. It's the strength. Yeah. It's the same thing.

And it just, oh, actually it goes back to that, you know that 50 50, right? Mm-hmm. The shadow side and the light sides right. Of us. Like, and it's like when you, when you look at it, it's like you can't have one without the other, just like you said, and, and it's like, it's all one. Yeah, and I think the more that you accept your, you as being all one, the more you can show up in that.

And there are, of course, like as a teacher, like I'm constantly reminding my students about feeling their feelings and how all of their feelings are okay because they wanna say no, some are good or some are bad. So even with my colleagues that I'm working with of like they're feeling stressed or overwhelmed and I'm like, yes.

And that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad teacher, that you're not a good teacher. So often we wanna make our feelings mean a certain thing about us. Yeah. And most of the time it's like a weak thing. Yeah. Right. When it's just a human thing and when we can learn to separate it and know that I can be an amazing human and feel this really hard feeling.

Yeah. And I'm still showing up. Yeah. Yeah. Hundred percent. I love it.

Hey, if you're enjoying this episode, I wanna invite you to come join us on May 19th through the 21st for the Shadow Side Leadership Summit. It's gonna be an entire weekend where we're gonna dive into these conversations around identity and leadership, around mental and emotional health, around how to support ourselves so that we can truly lead others in a more impactful way, that we also get to experience, connection, and joy along the journey.

Shadow side leadership Go sign up and we'll see you inside. How have you integrated the lessons that you've learned from your shadow side into your personal leadership style? Mm-hmm. Well, I think it's definitely allowed me to show up for people the way they need me to show up for them. Like I have more grace and more compassion for what they're going through.

But I've also learned not to take on their emotions because I used to be that empathetic person, but I would like take on their emotions as like my problem to solve and like I need to make them feel better. And now I've learned to like be that person who can listen to what they're going through, not judge them for their emotions and be that safe, clear space while not taking it on either as a problem for me to solve.

Yeah. And I think that's important to, to kind of pause on for a second or highlight because I think when we take on someone else's emotion as something to solve or fix mm-hmm. I think we are unintentionally, but unconsciously, um, sending the message or reinforcing the message that they're not okay the way they are.

Yep. And I think too, like knowing that. I think when I, when I lead with people or when I'm there for them or I listen to my colleagues, I'm able to hold that space for the motion that they're processing and not make it mean anything about who they are as a person. Yeah. And they're just like, oh my gosh, like this is such a judge free zone.

And I'm like, and that's what we need more of is like a place where people can actually process their feelings. Yeah. Without being labeled in one way. Because your feeling doesn't actually determine anything, it's just an reaction in your body. Yep. Yep. So I think that's how like, and even like with my, my, my own kids, right?

So I, I used to see their anger or their upsetness as like, something I'm doing wrong, and so I need to hurry up and fix it. Instead of like sitting with them in their emotion of like, how are you feeling? And letting them just be mad or be angry. Instead of making me like, oh, they're mad at me cuz I did something wrong.

So I have to hurry up and change who I am or be mad at them because they're mad at how I handled something. Yeah. I think that whole learning that they can have their own feelings and it doesn't mean I'm a bad mom or they can be mad at me. And it doesn't mean, it doesn't mean they're a bad kid. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Like just neither all of above. Right. They're just a little human expressing or going through a big emotion. Yeah. And like, how can I help you get through that emotion? Yeah. And what a powerful, again, coming it back to that subconscious messaging, what a powerful messaging to send to someone. Not with your words, but with your mm-hmm.

But with your presence, with your energy, with your action, with, with, as you hold space for another human and you're not running, you're not, you know, shoving them in a closet or a corner or whatever. Or just being like, that emotion's not allowed. Right. It doesn't mean we can't have boundaries around behavior.

Right. Definitely for people. Yeah. But whether you know, in your relationships and your, I remember with my, uh, one of my, my ex-fiance used to say this. Sometimes she would be be like, how can you be like, so like, loving to me, like after we just had that fight, after when I'm so mad at you or whatever. And it was just like, but I was always just like, you're allowed to be mad.

And that was something that she actually talked about a lot. Like, I've never had someone just let it be okay for me to be mad. And it never, it didn't change. Anything for me as far as how I just was able to truly just like hold that space. Well, and I think it's us as pa like also like in relationships or in as a parent, like.

We realize that other people's emotions bring up emotions in us and if we're not comfortable feeling those emotions, we aren't there to hold the space. Right? So we have to learn in the moment of processing our own emotion to their re like our reaction to their emotion. Yeah. So I think that's a lot of my growth too.

And like what I'm able to bring to my clients or to my colleagues and my children is that I'm learning right now as you are like how to process you having an emotion cuz it signals in me an emotion. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. How to not respond to it. And I think when we get good at doing that, we create such an environment of safety, first of all.

Mm-hmm. Absolutely. And security is the second word that came to my mind. Be, but I mean it different than safety. Um, when I mean security, I mean that sense of, like you talked about earlier, that secure self-worth. Mm-hmm. Right. That again, just sending that signal that you are Okay. And they can be seen and be okay.

Being seen. Exactly. Mm-hmm. I, I see you, I accept you. Mm-hmm. And I lo like, I love you, you belong. Mm-hmm. Just exactly as you are with the anger, with the, the resentment that you have, with the, the thing that you're not able to forgive me for, you know, whatever it is. Like all of it like that, that it's okay.

You're allowed to have that emotion and it doesn't change because when I'm secure in my self-worth, That's the key. That's the ticket, right? Because I know that your anger towards me, or your frustration, or your shame, or your judgment, or your criticism of me or what I did, any of those things, they actually don't have anything to do with me and who I am because my self-worth is secure.

It's 100%. And so I'm able to look at this with you, with curiosity, I'm able to explore it. I'm able to own if there is something for me to own. Mm-hmm. Hundred percent. I'm willing to do that. And it's still uncomfortable and it's still hard because it brings up a lot of our own things. But when you know like you are already inherently worthy and your worth cannot be touched or anything, it allows you to be more open to those conversations.

A hundred percent. Amber, what advice would you give, um, to. Our listeners, um, that might be dealing with, uh, this particular shadow of depression. Mm-hmm. Or unworthiness definitely. Um, I always say go grab a good podcast, one that you feel seen by, because I always love to just have that comfort. But I think really learning self-compassion.

And self grace. I call it mental and emotional pa like compassion and grace because I, it's not that I need compassion for my physical body, but I need it for my mind, my thoughts. I need it for my emotions. So learning to have mental and emotional grace, which is what I work a lot with my clients on, is like, how can I show up for myself right now in this moment and what is it that I actually need?

Not what I think I think other people think I need, but what do I need? And of course I do always say like, if you're not functioning and you're going through a depression and you need help to go and seek a counselor, I was in therapy for over five years, from 2015 to 2020, often around those times, and I learned so much about depression and about myself through therapy.

Yeah. And then of course, like if you're functioning and you know, depression, you understand it, get yourself a life coach who understands. The cycles of depression. Yeah. Because they can help you develop the ability to hold space for yourself. Yeah. You know, understanding your brain and how it works and knowing that your worthiness comes from within really sets you free.

But until you understand how that works, it's hard to just be like, okay, I'm in, I'm inherently worthy today. Yeah. You know, it's the work, so you have to find a person to do the work with. Yeah. But yeah, I think that's the, my biggest recommendation is learning how to do those things. And if you don't know how, finding the resources too.

Yeah. Because loving yourself through the experiences of depression is what will get you to the other side. Oh yeah. All the way. Um, what resources, I know you mentioned like maybe finding a good counselor. Mm-hmm. Um, And what, what would be some other options for people? You mentioned a podcast finding a good podcast that resonates with you.

Do you have any recommendations of good podcasts that you use? Yeah, and I am, I'm also starting my own, so it's the Art of Emotional Freedom. Okay. And then I also love Car Lo and THS podcast. Unfuck Your Brain. Yeah. She has so much about self-worth and self-confidence and she. It does a really good job of reminding you.

It's not so much depression based, but it does talk about like anxiety. Okay. So she does help you develop that secure self-worth and that secure self-confidence. Yeah. How about, have there been any, um, any books that you have? Oh my gosh, I've read so many books. Any that felt, uh, that he felt helpful or that were really well?

Anything by Brene Brown has always helped me emotionally. Yeah. Brene, like I have dare greatly as a tattoo on my forearm. So I mean, she's helped me to love me and my feelings. Um, for like more, for like trauma is like, it didn't start with me learning about how trauma is passed down from generation to generation.

So sometimes we're dealing with things that aren't actually are, so it's not lining up and we don't understand why it's there. So I read the book, it didn't start with me. And then if you have Insecure attachment, it's called, um, insecure in Love by Leslie Becker. Phelps. I love it. I love it. Those, those are like my cotus.

Yeah, we get, we'll talk about this more, a little bit more in the summit, but I, um, I think those are some amazing recommendations and just a, uh, kind of an anecdotal thing, but for me, one of the things I'll say that I noticed was that my depression, Um, there's, like you said, the generational trauma. Um, there's definitely, um, I think I for sure come by that honestly, you know?

Yes. When we talk about genetics mm-hmm. Things like that. So, just to notice, like, I think one of the most helpful things to realize when I really started studying all of this, um, it was so powerful for me to realize that, you know what, like, this isn't my fault. Yes. Was really helpful. Like this is weight, like, so when you talk about some of those things mm-hmm.

Like the generational trauma and some of the other things, societal things. Yep. You know, there's so many things that impact that, that really do influence it. It doesn't mean that you can't take your power and own it, but, um, but just to notice that there are, uh, forces at work here that are bigger than just you.

So just to understand that can feel like a real Yeah. When, when you say that, like, I think of any marginalized community, right. Like we are more success like to, to those pressures of not belonging. And so being a part of the L G B T Q I community, like you definitely have another layer, like any kind of marginalized community, you have another layer that you're not me, you're not like fitting in the box.

Yeah. So the pressure of depression or anxiety Yeah, it, it does influence it. So knowing that about yourself. But it all brings back to like getting to know that you are exactly loved. Yeah. And seen for who you are. And your, your worth is already determined. It is. It is already there. No, it's done. It's already there.

It's. Whether you're depressed or feeling depressed, feeling ashamed, angry, any of it, like, none of of those things have to do with your worthiness. And that's, that's a, a pressure that you can release right then and there. Yes. And uh, for any of you that are listening that want more support on this, um, feel free to, you know, I think DM either one of us and we can absolutely put together some resources, um, for all of you.

Um, On, on kind of getting some support with that. So, um, that's a conversation we can keep open. Yeah. Cuz I think that is one area of like depression and having like more resources that aren't just like counselor based or psychology based, but Exactly. That is something that your physical body. Yeah. Like it's all, it's all interrelated.

Mm-hmm. And so for me, my depression, really understanding all those other forces that were happening. Yep. Understanding how my physical body, my diet, even responding to it mm-hmm. Is responding to it, like you said, those neuro, those neurotransmitters and those hormones and, and starting to understand some of that was really helpful.

So a lot of layers to this, but I think the upshot is not to overwhelm anyone, but just to encourage you to notice that. If that's something you're going through, to just take a breath and breathe and know that it's okay, it's not your fault. And there are places that you can begin to to really start to have ownership.

And one of the very first ones, like Amber said, is to just know that you are lovable and worthy and complete exactly the way you are, and that it's okay that you're going through this. Because you can love yourself through it. You don't have to be mean to yourself through it. Yes. I think that's because people think that they have to be mean or hard on themselves to change their circumstance, and you don't, you can totally allow yourself love through it.

Yes, exactly. Nothing has gone wrong. It's okay. It doesn't always feel okay, but it, it's, it is okay. Like, and you, you've got this. You've got this. Yes, exactly. So, um, I think one of the, the other things that I was gonna ask you about is just this idea about, um, success intolerance and have you ever noticed, cause we've talked a little bit about identity, right?

And how we used to define ourself by our shadows and some of these things. Mm-hmm. So I'm curious as we go in and we do that healing mm-hmm. Right? And that healing work, have you noticed. That when you then begin to go from that survival to stability. Mm-hmm. And then you go from stability to success, have you noticed yourself being triggered by that new actual success?

Actual success, yes. In your life? Yeah. Because I think that shadow side of you is always like just whispering, like, you're not good enough. You're not ready for this, who are you? And so I think each step that you get further along the way. Mm-hmm. Like you're able to, like, as I say, like I dial it down throughout my life now, like I can hear it, recognize it, not always believe it and dial it down.

But I think the further you get on your journey, it also sometimes gets louder during different things. And so you have to sit with it again and be like, okay, this is part of like my brain pattern, my wiring, but it doesn't mean it's true. Yeah. I think my, my success intolerance is really like, I feel it right now.

It's like telling me like, you're not meant for this. This isn't for you. Who do you think you are? Like, right. That life that you want is not for you. You know, I have this n um, constant story in my head of like, you were born to live paycheck to paycheck. That's what it's always been, right? You're a single mom that like, you're not allowed to be successful.

Like, that's just like the narrative, right? And so I do feel like the more, the closer I get to an accomplishment or every accomplishment, it's like I did it. And then part of me is like, but it's gonna fall. It's gonna, it's going to fall out from underneath you. It's not real. And so it's really doing the work of knowing that your brain is gonna do that because it's supposedly trying to protect you, right?

It's wanting you to be safe and it's wanting you to make safe choices. Mm-hmm. But safe actually isn't the way through to your dreams. Sometimes it's most absolutely fear. Yeah. It's on the other side of the fear bridge. Yeah. So knowing that this is just the pattern my brain is gonna do, but it doesn't mean I'm actually not gonna be successful, it doesn't mean I'm not on my way.

Yeah. It just means my brain is freaked out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, and so when you look at, when you look at that success intolerance that you've experienced as you've grown, um, what. What was it about crossing that fear bridge? Right? And that allowing you to, you know, step into, you know, obviously you, you know, you're a teacher and then starting your own business and becoming an entrepreneur, and so growing into that, like you said, like, okay, I'm not gonna live paycheck to paycheck anymore.

I'm not gonna have my. I'm not gonna be tied to this, you know, to this school or to this person. Like, I'm gonna actually take charge and I'm gonna create my own life. I'm gonna create my own business. I'm gonna, I'm a single mom. I've got this kid. I'm gonna create a, a business where I can have a more flexible schedule.

Like, all these things that we dream about, like when you look at yourself, like actually doing it like Amber, you did it, you went, you like, went through that and like, Showing up on this podcast, starting your own pod. All of these things, like all these business owners and all these entrepreneurs and leaders that I talked to, like that was scary for all of them.

And it still is. You know, and I, I just did my podcast with, you know, crane Crabtree, and as we all, you know, all of us in this industry here, we all know cr, we love cr. She's amazing. You know, she's got an eight figure business, you know, massive, massive, uh, leader in the industry and still. Right? Mm-hmm.

Still, she goes through these things. There is no off ramp for the human experience. No. And so if that's true, it's like just growing your capacity to feel the hard feelings. Yeah. You're not gonna live without them. So knowing that when fear is here, it's okay. It's supposed to be part of this experience instead of listening to the fear, meaning I'm going the wrong way.

Well, why is it worth it? Like why bother? Right? Like if we're like, no, I mean some people don't. Some people don't bother. It's too much emotional work. And I do, I do hear them, but it's because like the more capacity you grow for the harder feelings, the more room you make for the amazing ones. Yes. So I think like even if I like on my way to this success, right?

I've always told myself, Which may be my brain telling me I'm not gonna make it, but it's like even if I don't become as successful as I want to, I have internal peace and there's no price tag on that. Like I can know that I can go through anything and I will be okay emotionally because I keep showing up for myself.

And if I didn't learn that work, this life would be so much harder and I'm not free for my emotions. But I'm able to actually hold space for them and they're really hard. Yeah. And you have more sovereignty, more control over which ones you wanna feel and when and how long do I wanna stay in this one and I can begin to, like you said, UNAM the river.

Yeah, exactly. I know how to let it flow so that I can move on to the next one. Doesn't mean that I'm not gonna feel that one, but I'm not gonna have to feel it for as long or as deep or as dark. I'm not gonna be. Out of control. Like I'm going to learn how to be in the driver's seat. Mm-hmm. And that it may be in the car with me, but Right.

Like that's okay. And so I think that's what's worth it, is like you learn that you are the driver and that you can hold space for anything that comes. Yeah. And I think that it sounds like a lot of like, oh my gosh, who'd wanna do it? But once you're in it, you realize like so many benefits. Yeah, totally.

So especially mentally and emotionally like, and that's where we live all day long. Yeah. It doesn't actually matter what comes out of this or where I go or Yeah. It's like I have to always be inside of me and so now I can be inside of me and still be okay. And noticing too, that you're feeling, like you said, you know, it's like that is how you experience the world.

Mm-hmm. That's how you experience life. Yep. It's all ba Your experience is based on what you're feeling, and so it does not matter if you make, you know, six figures, seven figures, eight figures if you're, you know, Whatever. If you're homeless, if you're living in your car, if you're, you know, addicted to drugs or alcohol or if you're, you know, or pornography or if you're on your fourth divorce or, you know, whatever the circumstances are, um, those external things are not what define your life experience, which is really hard to get people to get their head around.

But those external things are not what define your life experience. It's not what defines. How you feel and how you feel is how you is is how you experience the world. So when you realize that I can actually have agency over the way that I feel over my emotions, mm-hmm. I can actually figure out a way to experience.

A joy that is unconditional. Mm-hmm. I can have joy in the face of infidelity. I can have joy in the face of a divorce. I can have joy in the face of a bankruptcy. I can have joy in the, in the face of, you know, my child, um, telling me that they're struggling with depression. I can have joy in the face of loss.

I can have joy in the face of my business growing cuz so many people, they miss it. They're winning. Yeah. Well, and, and knowing that like your joy doesn't. Negate anybody else's emotions. So like when you said like, your child has depression, right? We think we can't be happy or joyful because they aren't.

Yeah. You know, and knowing that our joy doesn't negate or take away or do anything else to anybody else, like we just bring more joy wherever we're at. Yes. And, and you being in pain or depressed yourself or whatever else. Mm-hmm. And this doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel pain. Of course you are.

And you may want to choose that. Mm-hmm. But just to notice that you being miserable doesn't make them more happy. E Exactly. And you being happy doesn't make them more miserable. Mm-hmm. Like, it's not, you know, it's not, they're not connected. Exactly. And so I think that is a really important point to make.

And it doesn't mean that you have to be happy when people are hurting, that you love, like may choose to have, like I choose grief at times. I choose anger at times. Sometimes I even choose self-pity for about 15 or 20 minutes if I want to. I'm sorry, but I think it's important. Cry for a second, then I'll move on.

You know? Exactly. Cuz on all, every, any coaching call I've ever been on where I'm being coached, it's like, Amber, you need to go feel that feeling. That feeling that you're avoiding is what your shadow actually needs to be. Feel like. To feel to be seen. Yeah. So even if it is self-pity, so what? Go feel self-pity.

You know what I mean? You know? Yeah. But you don't have to stay there. And it, that's the thing that's so cool is it's like, you know, and, and maybe you don't wanna fill it at all and you just have a boundary and you're like, that doesn't serve me, whatever. But just notice if it's a resistance and why, and get to know your reasons and, and start to start to get better at having just that power of choice.

Mm-hmm. Which is so beautiful. Amber, um, what was your greatest, uh, moment of greatest joy along this journey, doing this work? I think it's like truly just learning to love myself. Yeah. Like joy is a, is a hard word for me cuz I've still been, I'm one that had to always earn fun or earn joy or so learning to just have joy just because.

So I think when I look at like what's been the most joyful part, it's truly learning to accept myself and love me for who I am over and over again and choosing to, cuz there are some days when. The, the brain's working and it's winning and I'm still have to remember to choose to love myself again. And so I think that's been my, and then I'm able to show my kids that, like I can show them how to keep choosing to love themselves no matter what they go through.

Hmm. That's awesome. So I think that'll be my, my greatest joy. Yeah. I love it. Uh, how can people find more about you? So I am on Instagram in two places for women. I'm at taking back her brain and for teachers. I'm at the life coach for teachers and all of my links and everything is, is right there on Instagram.

Beautiful. Excellent. Well, I cannot wait to have you at the summit. Thank you so much. Excited for us. This is gonna be amazing. This already is, and I have had so much fun today. I hope you have a good Me too. Thank you so much. Thank you, Robin.

If you enjoyed this episode, take a screenshot of it for me and share it on your favorite social media platform. And in the meantime, I just wanna invite you to remember that you are beautiful, that you are worthy, that you belong. See you next time.