Keep Hope Alive Podcast
Keep Hope Alive through the power of knowing who you are as a person and expressing self-love. Life is a journey and with the blank pages we create our story. Keep Hope Alive is about the power of knowledge in today's world. ALL topics are welcomed.
Keep Hope Alive Podcast
Interpersonal Insights from Andrea's Unique Circus Perspective
Join us for a compelling conversation with Andrea, a distinguished dating coach who takes us on a journey through the fascinating world of relationship compatibility, all through the lens of a circus analogy. With over 15 years of experience, Andrea shares his innovative theories that go beyond superficial traits to tap into the deeper layers of human connection. Discover how his transition from DJ to author, app creator, and CEO led to the creation of a unique app designed to help individuals find their true relationship style and compatibility.
Explore the intricate dynamics of interpersonal relationships as Andrea draws parallels between circus roles and personality types, shedding light on how these roles can uncover potential red flags in personal and professional settings. Through imaginative exercises and insightful methods, Andrea emphasizes the significance of foundational compatibility in fostering authentic, fulfilling partnerships. By understanding roles such as lion tamers and trapeze artists, we learn to identify not only what we want in a partner but also what we need to avoid for a harmonious relationship.
Our discussion also touches upon the importance of balance in relationships, stressing the need to find a partner who complements rather than completes you. Andrea's "circus question" offers a whimsical yet meaningful approach to gauging compatibility, helping listeners navigate the complexities of dating and avoid toxic relationships. By examining personal needs versus wants and leveraging personality assessment tools, Andrea empowers us to upgrade our interactions and become the best version of ourselves. Get ready to embark on this insightful exploration of love, compatibility, and the art of human connection.
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Love & Light - Keep Hope Alive
Hello and welcome to Keep Hope Alive podcast. Today I have Andrea with us, and he is an author, an app creator and CEO and, might I say, a dating coach and, with that being said, he gets to learn all about him and what he does in the world of dating. We all need this subject. Right and welcome, I'm so glad to have you on. Before we do get started, I have a question for you how many weddings have you been to in the past year?
Speaker 2:Hi, nadine, nadine, sorry, should I say that, nadine? Yes, last year two weddings One was a client who finally got married and the other one was a relative. So yeah, it was great.
Speaker 1:That is so cool. So one of our biggest sponsors here is Life on Record. And before I go into what they do, let's pretend we got invited to go to a wedding and we're going into the ceremony site and over to the right there's something there to sign. What are we signing? To let that couple know we were here.
Speaker 2:We're signing the welcome book, definitely we're giving them all our best wishes, and well, whatever you want to give them really.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's awesome. Well, instead of that book, life on Record came out and brought a vintage rotary phone that you can now pick up and leave those messages instead of the writing in the book. So I'm right next to it. They have a QR code that your guests can scan, also if they didn't want to use the phone, and they can leave their messages either before or after, even during the event. So it is awesome. You can leave messages like up to one to three minutes, five minutes, 30 minutes if you wanted to.
Speaker 1:But I suggest for weddings, do not stay on that phone for 30 minutes. You're going to have a line and everything. So they collect all the messages that are congratulations. It's about time you put a ring on that finger, whatever it may be, and they will burn it either on a 12-inch vinyl record or a keepsake speaker box. Now you get the phone number for one year. You got to return the phone, but this way, if it was a wedding, you could call right before their one-year anniversary and leave messages again. But this goes for any kind of event. Their plans start at $99. And to learn more about Life on Record, please visit them at wwwlifeonrecordcom. All right, so let's get started. Who is andrea at?
Speaker 2:one point as a former dj and working with vinyl, I can vouch for that has great gift to get your voice messages on vinyl. It's come back now, so it's a great. Uh, yeah, I, I'd love that.
Speaker 1:Thank you, I'm gonna try that myself, although I'm already married, like one of the first companies that started that too, and I I saw pictures I'll post on my facebook page for keep up alive. The pictures of the phones are just so nice and they're very elegant and I was like, oh, I just wish I had one here for the show that I could pick up to do the commercial all the time. So, it would be easier, wouldn't it? Yes, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, who am I? I know you're waiting. Who am I? I'm Andrea and I call myself a dating coach, but, as you rightly said, things have moved forward a little bit now. I've been dating coaching for around 15 years, um, researching and testing my theory of compatibility, which is now is now available as an app. Um, it's not on the google or app stores yet, or the apple store yet, um, but it is available on a web browser so you can get a link and you can get the app on a discounted rate. For the moment I'm advertising, but I shouldn't be, but anyway, you can get it.
Speaker 1:You're supposed to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, okay, so you can get it now and take advantage of this offer. We call it a Valentine's launch. We technically launched a soft launch on valentine's day, um, and so the the app is evolving. Um, it's pretty much done in content, uh, but we're adding or I'm adding stuff like blogs and and help tips. There's a community on the app, um, and there's one vital question that you ask people when you're dating.
Speaker 2:So, whether, whether you're, if you're on a dating site or if you're in a bar, and someone comes over to you and they start talking to you, you just ask them this one question, and this one question will reveal enough for you to decide whether you want to carry on the conversation or you want to kind of politely say look, you know nice talking to you, but even though I fancy you, now the reality is, who you fancy is very subjective. But your foundation in relationship, your compatibility, other. You know values, morals, ethics. There's lots of things people think about. You know the height of the guy, how you know how rich they are, whether the girl's blonde or brunette or green eyes or blue eyes we've all got preferences. But the fundamental compatibility is your foundation, and your foundation for me is a little bit more deep than just the superficial swipe, swipe, look, look. It's a question and you need to. You know, I need to ask you the question and then you'll understand what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1:Well then, ask the question. I would love to hear what that question is.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, all right, if you're ready, there's a clue behind you Circus.
Speaker 1:Circus Okay.
Speaker 2:Or behind me, shall I say there's a clue behind me, anyway, nad. Or behind me, shall I say there's a clue behind me, anyway, nadine. Take a deep breath for me.
Speaker 1:Clear your mind. I don't mind, let's go for it close your eyes.
Speaker 2:I'll do it with you. Close your eyes, deep breath. All your viewers can do this with us. Nadine, imagine you're at a circus. Imagine the lights, the sounds, the smells, the fun, the laughter, the thrills and the suspense. Now imagine for a moment that you are one of the acts or performers.
Speaker 1:Which act or performer would you be, and why Can I open my eyes? Yet Can I open my eyes?
Speaker 2:Yeah you can Okay.
Speaker 1:I don't know why I see myself swinging.
Speaker 2:I don't know okay, okay, maybe swinging on a trapeze. What did you see? Anyone else with you? Were you on your own? Were you up high? I?
Speaker 1:was up high and it was just me, and I feel like my legs were wrapped around the bar and I was hanging down for some reason yeah, that's correct.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you identify with a solo trapeze. Trapeze is the bar, so it's not the silks. Yeah, it's not aerial gymnastics trapeze and you're up there high, um, do you know why? The why part is quite important.
Speaker 1:Maybe I wanted to get away from everything on the ground, that I just wanted to be solo and free spirit, basically, and do my routine up there and get it over with. Maybe.
Speaker 2:Okay, that makes sense. The being free and up there and safe and all the words that come along with that are similar to how a bird feels up in a tree, um, and what it identifies is that you're quite independent, you like your freedom, you're quite self-sufficient. These, by the way, the circus question, is an analogy of the circus role in the act to real life.
Speaker 2:OK so it establishes your role in a circus, but it identifies your ideal role, your role and your partner's role in a circus, but in real life, ok. So I'll give the. The clearest analogy would be the lion tamer and the lion. They only function as a great, balanced act if they're together. The lion tamer doesn't work with a clown, the lion work with you know, still walker. So you identify your role and your role identifies your real life compatibility and it works from an unconscious selection process okay okay, so I I'm explaining the question.
Speaker 2:The first part of the question is um, it's a location and, uh, I don't know if you work with nlp, but with NLP, with suggestion, the first part is suggesting where you are and then the second part is the unconscious selection, by prompting you to imagine your role.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:So, unconsciously, you've told me something and I can now put that to good use, especially if we're dating. Ie, you're dating and you're applying that to potential partners. Now you're going to say how the point is by identifying your actual role, which is trapeze solo. There are various traits character traits that belong to you, Abilities, traits that are positive in a in a balanced relationship and negative in an imbalanced or toxic relationship.
Speaker 2:And my app, which I I kind of refer to because I said I've told you before there are 50 plus acts in a circus and I can't remember half of them, let alone all of them, and I have to just take although I can give you some basics like the main three, because you know you are independent, you are really independent In a relationship. If you're not independent, it stifles you, you get resentful and you have to get away. Correct, Yep, Okay. So if you were with a lion tamer, I'll use the analogy. If you were with a lion tamer, I'll use the analogy. If you were the lion tamer who profusely expects their partner, the lion, to do as they're told, that's their perfect, balanced relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Kind of and I'll be gender positive here in respect of the male is the lion tamer, the female is the lion. Okay, it can be gender reversed and it can be same sex. Okay, so it can be two women, doesn't? It doesn't matter. The the dynamics is what is important, not the gender. I do work with trans. I do work with gay and lesbian clients, so they're fascinated how it works and in fact it's not gender relative, so that's good anyway. So, talking to you now, I would say you must avoid lion tamers and you must avoid lions. Lion tamers would stifle you and want to control you. They're up here. Lions wouldn't give you enough because they'd be waiting for your direction. So a lion needs direction from the lion tamer. I'm putting the lion up there and the lion down here. Okay, there's a reason for that. You're in the middle. You need a relationship where you can share the responsibility, share the dynamic, share the independence. So your partner needs to appreciate your independence yes they also need to let you shine.
Speaker 2:Yes, they also don't. They mustn't be jealous. Yes, they mustn't be. Um, not so word for it. Um, a lion tamers. Look, this is how it works with lion tamers. If they get a partner who's a lion, we're using the analogy now. Yeah, they get a partner who's a lion tamers. Look, this is how it works with lion tamers. If they get a partner who's a lion, we're using the analogy now. Yeah, they get a partner who's a lion. The lion does as they're told because they want direction, not because they've been abused. So my analogy doesn't work that a lion tamer is cracking the whip at the lion and the lion's been abused. Abuse is a no-no, that's toxic in itself.
Speaker 2:But in a correct dynamic where a person wants leadership from their partner, they want that partner to decide where they're going to take them when they go out. They want that partner to make the decision about what they're going to eat tomorrow night, because they you know, or what film to go and watch in the movies, or you know. All these things are small things. But clients have always said to me I just wish he would take control, I just wish he would make a decision for me. I don't want to make decisions in my life. And that's the lion where they specifically want the partner to take control, and that could be a male, we use that terminology. A bottom yeah, want their top to take control. That could be in the bedroom, okay.
Speaker 2:So you could apply this in many, in many guises, and we're also applying these, this formula or this framework, to businesses. Now there's a couple, couple of HR people in a company that they're employing this with interview technique, so they use my question to identify management and other roles that people are applying for Gotcha, you know if they're able to control these roles, because it takes something. If you're a lion tamer, you have charisma, you have confidence, you have style, you have communication skills. You have everything. A lion tamer will have charisma, you have confidence, you have style, you have communication skills. You have everything the lion will do. Yeah, I've never seen a lion tamer walk into the ring and sheepishly turn to the audience and go. I'm a bit scared. They control the floor.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yes yes but put a lion tamer with you and his insecurity will come out, his jealousy will come out, toxicity 100%. And you've probably, like a lot of my clients, had that relationship before.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, several times and toxic, and it's only that because it's toxic for you and it's toxic for them. Unfortunately, you can't control men or women that are abusive and are narcissists. By the way, the lion tamer is probably the biggest narcissist of the circus, so identify narcissists at the get-go, okay. So if you're on a dating site and you know what you are, you're a trapeze solo and you know. On my app it actually is quite easy to use. Once you know your answer, you go into the app and when you get into the app, if I can find it, it will show you. I think I've sent it to you, but basically you're able to put in your choice. See, that's the logo, the circus question, okay, and you're able to then go tap into a form which is like a… said. You find your trapeze solo, which is there.
Speaker 2:We go submit and trapeze solo comes up qualities, traits, character qualities I don't know if you can see that and it lists everything. Now that's in a balance relationship. Underneath that you've got negative traits and character qualities in a negative relationship. So that shows you your negative traits that become amplified when you're in the wrong dynamic. So that's what we need to avoid. But what I'm demonstrating in the app is showing you that one question can unlock all that about you. No, data protection. I've got a secret into unlocking your compatibility, because what I'm able to do is learn about myself.
Speaker 2:So I'm a ringmaster. Okay, you were curious. Yeah, I'm a ringmaster. Okay, I, you were curious. Yeah, I'm a ringmaster, and my traits are communication, diplomacy, encouraging acts, my partner, people around me. I'm a coach to be the best they can be. Yeah, those are my major traits. There's always three or four major traits. Like I said about the lion tamer being charismatic, you know, a good communicator, diplomat, that's what? Um, they're quite narcissistic. That they love their self-image, that's a hundred percent. You very rarely see a fat lion tamer and I know circuses aren't as popular now, but they still are around, especially in the movies. So, um, you very rarely see a fat, out out-of-shape lion tamer. They're usually a strapping fine example of a man or a woman. Okay, yeah. So you see that in the app and then you read love language and yours is quality time.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, definitely is.
Speaker 2:Of the five. The primary love language that you possess is quality time. I didn't have to go through Gary Chapman's test there, I just found that from my analogy. Okay, and also your attachment style is secure okay. Have you done that? Have you done the attachment styles?
Speaker 1:No, I haven't done that yet.
Speaker 2:Okay, so your attachment style and you'll be able to check this out actually. So your attachment style is secure, but in a yes, in a dysfunctional relationship, in other words, an imbalanced relationship. That doesn't work for you. It's avoidant. So when it's not working out, you want to run away. Yes, you're not committing, correct?
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So I was able to tell you all of that and you haven't read the app, because when you read it you'll probably agree more and I'm confident. That's why I give a money back guarantee. I give a seven day money back guarantee of a 750 app, one-time access, as in for life. So if I can show you that, then you take this app and you go okay, I'm on whichever let's call the dating sites. Okay, you go on the dating sites. You're scrolling through someone's match with you. You think, whoa, he's nice. Let me ask him a question. My opener Hi. I'm really curious to know your answer. You'll know your answer to this interesting question I heard the other day that's not an interview. Yeah, imagine you're at a circus script. It exactly as it is on the app. As I asked you, you'll get a reply. From that reply you can go into the a to Z on the app, type in or just tap in what they've answered. Then you can actually analyze them and see if you are a match or not. Do you get me?
Speaker 1:Yes, I do, I do.
Speaker 2:But there's something else on the app that actually makes it much easier and that's the compatibility system of Circology. I've named the system Circology, circus, circology, to identify your match in a numerical sense. Okay, people, when I coach people, it was easy for them to come back to me as emails or in sessions and say look, I've met a clown. What does that mean? I say a clown? Oh gosh, well, that means blah, blah, blah. So you kind of need me, but with the app, all you need is access a little bit further on, because the first part of the app is free if you want to, but the second part, which is the compatibility part, the psychology part, which is the compatibility part, the psychology part is where it becomes numerical and the numerical part is identifying that yours is, your act is a number four, a lion tamer is a nine a lion is a one, so they're the extreme ends of the polarity spectrum that I've identified.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, polarity being the compatibility spectrum. So if you add the 9 and the 1 together lion, tamer and lion you get 10. If you take a 4 and put that with a 9, that's 13,. Okay, that's way over a 10. That's off the scale. In fact, that's 13, which makes it impossible Sorry, it makes it wrong for you to be together, because it identifies that you're over a 10,. Okay, do you get me?
Speaker 1:Yes, I do.
Speaker 2:So the idea is find the perfect 10. Now you need somebody who's a ringmaster, who's a 7 would still be okay for you. Just over a 10 or just under a 10 is fine. So a 7 and a 4, 11. But whenever you go vastly over a 10 or vastly below a 10, bear with me one moment. I just need to get rid of my daughter oh, it's all right, let's see guys.
Speaker 1:Hmm, I want to hit that 10. Yeah sorry, no, it's right, I get to talk to my listeners.
Speaker 2:It's half term here in the UK and, yeah, I'm looking after the children. My wife's also busy. So she wandered in because there's no lock on the door on the inside, because the kids can lock themselves in. So, yeah, so she wandered in. I didn't realize. Anyway, she threw me a little bit there. But anyway, what we're looking for is a perfect 10. So by using the numbering system, you're able to just go into the templates. Look, for example, at Clown, who is an 8, 8.5.
Speaker 2:And you can say immediately 8.5 and 4,. That's way over a 10. I'm not going to visit that one. You can read about them and you will identify traits that aren't compatible with yours but the number makes it fast track.
Speaker 2:Everyone wants it fast these days, I'm afraid, which is why we numbered, so if you're using the numbering system, you can immediately kind of press the button and go yeah, I kind of this. This has got some possibility, so I will explore it, because my theory is based on two elements of compatibility the power dynamic and masculine and feminine essence, and both those elements come to the fore using the first circus question you can identify. The power dynamic is who actually is leading or sharing the relationship? Now, you're a sharer, I'm a leader. I like to be in a relationship where I control the dynamic and I make decisions. But I'm not a nine, I'm a seven, so I'm closer to the middle, which means that I still share with my partner. My partner's a four, by the way, she's a contortionist and trapeze solo. So you share some common traits.
Speaker 2:By the way, when people pick two choices and I have that quite often three-quarters more with men than with women In other words, three women will choose one act and one man will choose one act, so it's the other way around with the twos. Men normally will not make their mind up in relationship and compatibility till later on in life. In other words. What happens is, men are kind of 30 years old, they're still not sure what they want with their lives, and they usually, if you ask them to choose now, they'll probably choose two choices, and that's it, that first choice. First choice is where they are, and the second choice is where they're going, or where they were and where they are. It's up to you then to kind of use the app to identify where they are in their truth, whether they are actually, you know, maybe they're a trapeze flyer or catcher. If they're a catcher, that's ideal for you, because that's for five and a half Again, that's five. And're a catcher, that's ideal for you, because that's for that's for five and a half again that's, but that's pretty good, um, because a catcher will give you the balance that you require. And most of the balanced acts in the circus are in the middle the juggler, the stilt walkers, the gymnasts, the acrobats, the contortionist, you know the. The acts that rely on balance and poise are in the middle. The ones that are extreme danger are at one end lion tamer and control, the clown and those that rely on service the ticket sellers, the popcorn sellers, the production crew, the audience, the lion, the elephants, the monkeys, all of those that rely on direction and being controlled a little bit, are at the other end. So that's your polarities and that's where your power dynamic is.
Speaker 2:Your masculine, feminine essence is interesting because what I've noted is, at the extreme end, lion tamers are particularly masculine characters. They're what I call the commando man, the rambos, the ones that want to get their truck and go, you know smashing it up. They like their football and they like their Budweiser's. And don't interrupt with me, woman, I'm watching the game. That kind of guy you get me. And the other end of the spectrum is the kind and I'm going to use the guys here, but I'll use the girls in a minute the other end of the spectrum is the guy that kind of is into his creative side maybe is quite effeminate. Is not your rambo, is not your triathlon iron man? Okay, your iron man. The other end, yeah yeah they're the go-getters.
Speaker 2:They're saying these, the receptive type that does a lot of reading and maybe does something, and they're all fine. But you need a partner that compliments you, and when I hear the phrase, I need a partner that compliments me or completes me, and recently I've heard a lot of this. Well, that shouldn't happen. You shouldn't need someone to complete you. Well, actually, you do, some people don't, and some people do, and size doesn't fit all. Which is why the circus question. I desire devise the circus question because I've been in your shoes.
Speaker 2:I've been in most people's shoes two marriages, two engagements, four failures yeah seems like a trend these days well, yeah, when I, when I decided to date again after breaking up from a 13 year relationship, I was 47 and I couldn't go to clubs or bars and not quite fit in that easily without lying about my age, because what are you doing in a bar as 20 year olds or a club and um? So I found that I was online dating. And online dating was very alien to me because I've been in a 13 year relationship and there I was for three solid years dating online and of course, your tinders and your okay cupids and your plenty of fish and your hinges and whatever. So I did the whole lot but while I was that, I couldn't identify who was right for me. I could identify who I fancied, I could identify who I could have fun with, but I couldn't identify who I wanted to settle down with long term just from looking at their profile and you know what? I was fortunate, I got quite a few likes. Like I said, I was a professional portrait photographer at one point and I had some great photos and that makes a difference and I advise my clients to take the best possible pictures and write a good bio. So I got some interest, but not all that interest was quite what I wanted, because after I started talking to them I was thinking we're not compatible.
Speaker 2:So I devised the circus question and the circus question helped me filter people. It wasn't in exactly the state that it's in now. It was a little bit more, a little bit less elaborate, although it's simple. It was what would you be in a circus? And that just gave me a conscious reaction and normally it would be. Well, I don't like heights, so I'll be this. And then I changed it because it didn't work, just getting a what would you be in a circus? People think of what they can do, not what they would imagine they would be.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Imagination that reveals your truth. And once I changed it, I was able to then tell people listen, you're a lovely lady, or you're a lovely girl, um, but we're not compatible. And I'd get the reaction well, how? You don't know me, you don't know me. How would you know that? And I said well, one, I've read your profile.
Speaker 2:Two, I know from your answer to my question that you are this, this and this and this and this and this is what you need, not what you want, but this is what you need. Actually, you know, you're right, I do need that. And I would say to them this is what you don't need, which is more important, because what you avoid is the red flags. So the red flags, when we're dating someone, we always avoid the red flags because we were dating someone. We always avoid the red flags because we think, oh, I like her, I like him or I like her, um, and you think, well, I'll make them the way I want them to be, they like me, so she'll come around to my way of thinking. No chance wow especially no chance.
Speaker 2:So you're better off cutting your ties there and then and saying, look, it was lovely knowing you, but we're not compatible. Or we are compatible and I'd like to get to know you, which is which is why we use the circus question as a filter. And if we use it right at the beginning, there's no commitment. You're not ghosting anybody. You know you're not. You know you're not ghosting anyone by saying, right, yeah, let's get to know each other. Then you disappear. You just tell them straight look, we're not compatible. This is the reason, especially if you're a dating coach yeah I'm gonna explain why we're not compatible.
Speaker 2:And I ended up coaching people because, although I was on t looking for a partner, I was getting far more people that I weren't compatible with than I was. And I found myself in a position where and I love psychology and I love the whole dynamic of understanding people and I'd say to them look, I don't mind helping you, there's my inbox, go off and do this, ask the question, come back in my inbox. And I had hundreds upon hundreds of women obviously women coming back to me and saying, andrea, I want you to help me here. I've met this guy. He says he's an audience. He doesn't know what he'd be, he just wants to be in the audience. And I'd say, okay, and I explained what that meant and they'd be like but how does it work? How does it work? How is it possible? There's over 50 choices now and the app has got the odd new one coming on every now and again. But I would get people saying what's audience? And I'd say, okay, audience is passive, supportive. You're there and you're supporting your partner who's up there. You're letting them shine.
Speaker 2:Comedians, especially famous comedians, often have partners that just want to be unknown. Yeah, I just want to be your support network. I want to be the woman that you come home to and maybe you cry, or the dishes are done and the cooking's done and the kids are in bed, or whatever it is. I will support you. It doesn't mean you're not a valuable part of my dynamic. You are very valuable. But the comedian wants to be the star, the comedian being the clown.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, in the circle of the clown, but the clown wears a mask, by the way. This is the thing with the clown. The clown is a controller. That's why they're an eight and a half control, emotional control. The lion tamer's kind of the physical, not necessarily whip, but kind of the come on, let's get going dynamic. And the clown is very much the the pensive. I'm gonna be funny today, but then when I come home I want to be really thoughtful and you don't bother asking me what's wrong, because you know I'm a deep thinker yeah yeah, so they wear the mask.
Speaker 2:They're funny when they're out there and they're quiet when they're at home. This is not necessarily, but they go through these moods and so they have an emotional control. So they need a person that understands that. But they also need a person that's going to put up with it. You wouldn't, definitely you wouldn't. You'd be the kind of person that go, look what's up with you. You're not talking to me, what's going on, can I help you? And he'd be like man, look, just leave me alone. I just need to I don't know be in my man cave. I just want to be in my man cave, read my, read my book, or I'll just you know, ah, I'm not ready for jokes. I'll come out when I'm ready to have fun with you. Put the mask on, have fun, because that's what a clown does. They only let you see what they want you to see. When they want you to see it, to see it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hence wearing the mask.
Speaker 2:And we often meet and I've been victim to this so many when I did the analogies and when I actually I mean it's taken a long time to get these together and I mean they are deep, they go on and on and on and on right yeah like I said, there's over 50 choices.
Speaker 2:Every single one has got depth and substance. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here. They've got depth and substance that you will relate to. So if you pick an act that you think, aha, this won't be there, for example, if you pick an act that you think, ah, this won't be there. For example, if you pick tiger, well, tiger isn't there, but lion is. So I suggest the app that, if it's close to you, know the area that you know, you just pick lion, because lion, big cat, you know, black panther, cheetah I've had all kinds of. You know I can't write pages on everything because it would just be copying. Lion is a generic for Big Cat, lion Tamer is generic for Lion Tameress.
Speaker 2:So, masculine or female, you're in there. Ringmaster, ringmission, yeah, yeah, so we get it. There's Snake Charmers, sword Swallows, fire Eaters I mean you'll be shocked wheel of death. There's loads, and when you listen I'm shocked at how many there are, and I do get them. Occasionally there are the ones that are more popular, but you know what, when? When someone says to me what the most popular ones, I can tell you what the most popular ones are, but it's not relevant to you, because what's relevant to you is what you chose, because what you chose is where you are. Nadine, what star sign are you? What? What star sign are you?
Speaker 1:Oh, you mean like Aquarius.
Speaker 2:That's the one. Yeah, what zodiac sign are you?
Speaker 1:well, isn't that the same? Am I getting confused here? So?
Speaker 2:what star star sign? Well, we call it star sign. Maybe zodiac sign, zodiac sign okay, just aquarius okay, aquarius, are you familiar with the compatibility system of a synastry where you know they say your aquarius should meet blah blah should never go with.
Speaker 1:I don't know, I'm not gonna lie my daughter just did that to me like my last date. She asked what is he? What sign? He was a scorpio and my daughter goes like right away I should listen to her you know, you're the, the, this generation, that are dating.
Speaker 2:Now it's become very popular. Synastry and astrology and the whole compatibility thing with star signs or astrological signs has become extremely popular, especially on dating sites. People are asking people now. 15 years ago they weren't doing that so much. Um, because people need something that they can use to give them a filter or a head start. I mean, listen, it's been reported recently and I'm sure when this podcast comes out, it's only just been reported in the uk that the dating sites are having problems. People are voting with their fingers, they're swiping away, hundreds of thousands of users are coming off the sites. And it's not because dating sites are not any good. It's because the compatibility filters on dating sites aren't really helping people enough. Hence I'm trying to create a tool which will help people.
Speaker 2:But if you've got a tool that will help you filter people, it doesn't necessarily guarantee 100. Nothing's 100 in life. I mean, god, I could walk out the door now and get killed. You know nothing's 100. But what is 100 is if you put the effort in, you will get the reward that you deserve. So if you go in blind, that's one of my. My marketing strategy for valentine's was don't date blind. Use the tool to help you get a head start. So your daughter's not wrong, in a sense, because she must have done her homework and said right Aquarius and Scorpio don't go. Funnily enough, my dating, my serious dating although obviously some of them have been failures. That's why I'm here now with a successful one, but even she's Cancer. I'm a Virgo. All my serious dates have been Pisces, cancer, because I'm an, an earth sign and they're water and I need water to go together you get me?
Speaker 2:yes, I do. So that part of it I understood. I don't really know about the other ones but it's a coincidence, but it isn't because a cancer, because a Cancer or a Pisces, actually their personality works with mine and that compatibility is kind of summarized in the circus question because those traits of patience, of communication of you know I could list them, but you know it's hard for me to list them actually because I can't see but but basically you will see and agree with most of them. There might be the odd one that you can't know. That's not me, but then read the negative. Then you'll be in a toxic environment. Am I avoiding in a toxic environment? Am I resentful? Well, you'd say we all are. But those are the traits that really come to the fore and when you're in a toxic environment we often put up with those, with things, and that list will resonate strongly with your past relationships.
Speaker 2:You don't want them in your future so by teaching you what to avoid and showing you in the app, I'm hopefully giving you a head start and an opportunity to pursue the guy you fancy, rather than the guy you fancy blind. Because, listen, guys, people can tell you anything. Of course, it's not foolproof, proof and people have said to me okay, so what if the person I asked the question says they're flying trapeze? And you say okay. So you look at your list, you go okay, he's this, this, this and this and this. That sounds like we are compatible. Let's continue our conversation. And you're the one with the app, you're the one everything about that person and their traits. So then you go out on a date and you're sitting there across the table and the menu comes and he says Nadine, I'm not going to ask you what you want to eat, I'm going to order for both of us. You're like whoa, hold on a minute.
Speaker 1:Big red flag yes, yes, that happened a month ago I'm gonna order the wine, but I don't drink wine.
Speaker 2:No, I'm gonna order the wine, you're gonna drink wine. What the f? Am I doing here? Why are you taking control, nadine? You're not wearing that short skirt next time we go out. You're not wearing that because I don't want guys looking at you.
Speaker 2:Whoa, these insecurities, this control reminiscent of the lion tamer so no lion tamers for me you look at the lion tamer in the app and you go, whoa, that describes this guy and no more dates. And you can tell him listen, mate, you said flying trapeze, but I think you may have lied a little bit there or you may have kind of deceived me a little bit, but but you, by seeing the red flags early, you've saved yourself heartache yes toxicity.
Speaker 2:I mean, look, you mentioned a daughter. If you're going into a next relationship and I've got three kids now, okay I might. My very story was at 47, started dating at 52, met my wife. I've now got three kids under six. Hello happy story. All from not the app, because the app wasn't developed then, but from the circus question because identified who I really wanted to be with. She interviewed me, trust me. She interviewed me hard. We took us a month to actually get together. I don't advise my clients to do this. I actually said get together as soon as possible because you need the eye contact, but it took a month. And it took a month because she interviewed me, interviewed me. Do you know what I thought? Blimey, this is the person I need to be with, because this is yeah anyway. So the next person you want to date, nadine, and ideally settle down with, is your ideal partner.
Speaker 2:You can't be, I mean, if you, if you want to have fun and what I call you know I call it casual relationships and formal relationships you want a formal relationship? You've got a child? You probably aren't. You don't want to be messed around.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly.
Speaker 2:One thing that's going to give you an edge, and I know you're a dating coach, I know you probably get you've got your profile amazing pictures. You know amazing bio 100%. I coach quite a few coaches actually. So I need to change my name from dating coach to dating mentor, because I I've coached so funny because yeah, I probably need you.
Speaker 1:I was like I may be a relationship coach and people come to me, but I just feel like I've been duped so many times going on dates.
Speaker 2:I've been there. You know, I'm not going to lie. I used to date blind. I'd go oh God, she's great. Well, with my eyes that are rose-tinted glasses, wow, I've got to get this girl's number, get her number. I mean, I was an international DJ, so I was DJing and girls would throw themselves at me and, of course, if I wanted fun, I had fun. But there were some that I actually thought, oh my God, wife material, because we date with our eyes. Yes, and you're like, oh my God, yeah, you know what. There's some things I don't like about you, but I will make you the perfect wife. Big mistake, yeah, the perfect wife.
Speaker 1:Big mistake yeah.
Speaker 2:Look, if and my theory is this, if you're in the right foundation with the right partner, one you fancy, one that fancies you. Obviously there are other elements that are great, and I don't need to explain all of those smells, icks that you don't mind. They're under six foot, they're five foot eleven. Oh my god, one inch. I bet you get that as a dating coach. I want them to be six foot plus, when 80 of the world are under six foot. You know you're already creating a problem when it shouldn't be five foot eleven and three quarters.
Speaker 2:For god's sake, just go with it, man. I mean, I'm a short ass. I was dating a six foot catwalk model. You know, at the end of the day I shouldn't have been. She was. She was beyond me on that scale, but not from a relationship point of view. We're 13 years together, so that wasn't the problem. The problem was probably me, because I lost my business and I was depressed and there were loads of issues. But you can't control those factors. But things you can control are you find a partner that you're compatible with and you grow together. You go in the same direction together, because the less chance and I use this analogy your ideal partnership is one where you're in the same car with the same partner going in the same direction. Right, right, you really don't want to be in two separate cars thinking you're going in the same direction. What's going to happen?
Speaker 2:We've all had someone follow us in a car or we followed a car. You get lost. It's impossible to maintain. You might think you're going in the same direction, but at some point you drift apart and there's no guarantee to life.
Speaker 2:Like I said, even if you're in the same car, you might just hate the sight of each other after a while. I mean, this is always the thing, the conundrum that's always bugged me why, when you meet someone new relationship energy you are infatuated beyond control. We've all been that sick 16, 18, yeah, but you still get that in the 30s and that you can't stop talking or thinking about them. Are they texting me? Are they not texting me? What? What they doing right now? You know the kind of thing. You know what the time I wonder where they're at. We've all been there and that new relationship energy is amazing. There comes a point, when you break up with someone, that you hate the sight of them. I was going to swear. Then you hate the sight of them. Am I right or am I wrong?
Speaker 1:Well, I wish people these days did verbally communicate. They wanted to break up instead of ghosting.
Speaker 2:Well, you know ghosting and I'm going to say this because I've been a man on dating sites and I've seen it firsthand with clients all the time Ghosting is easy when you've got a plan B. So in the old days when we went to a bar or a club or something in our local area and we met someone, it's very difficult to ghost the girl you're going out with if your local club or hangout is where she's going, because if you ghosted her you'd get seen or found out and there'd be some kind of your lockheads. Okay, online it's very easy to disappear because you just disappear, especially if you're on a dating site and you are just a name and there's no social media connection or anything. So I think I think the problem with ghosting is something we're going to have to live with. But if you can respectfully put someone down and say, look, we're not compatible bye-bye, you're doing your part to actually be respectful, because no one likes, no one likes, you've been ghosted. We've all been ghosted at some point.
Speaker 2:You know there were times when I'd message people and I'd get, you know, one word answer and I'd kind of go okay, how do I carry on this conversation? How are you fine? Okay, okay, right, at least the circus question opens a discussion. It's a great opener, I mean for a guy. When I started using the circus question, if I put out 100 circus questions to ladies, women, I'd get 78% return immediately, not disappearing to the ether, whereas before if it was hi, how you? I'm andrea. I'm not not a huge paragraph, but a little bit of info. I saw your photograph or I saw that you like going to, you know skiing or whatever it was. Make a comment about the profile, which is what I coach people. Now you know I would get one in, maybe 10.
Speaker 1:Photograph what you're saying.
Speaker 2:My bio was exactly the same. The difference was the opening question, just the opening question, because I mean, you know, I don't want you to reveal how many, but if you're on a dating site, nadine, and you put 10, I don't know you look at your inbox, how many have you? You're on a dating site, nadine and you you put 10.
Speaker 1:I don't know. You look at your inbox. How many have you got? 10, 20, 30, I usually 10 out of the week and whether yeah, sometimes you can just pick up on a profile reading, so how?
Speaker 2:do you feel?
Speaker 1:my goodness, I guess I'm ghosting too, because if they don't respond, you see yeah so I guess, yeah, I guess I am. But you know, if I open up and said, hey, I just don't think we're compatible, it's gonna be like why, you know? It's like oh, because I paid more attention to your bio or you know what is it?
Speaker 2:okay, I'll give you my link, send them the link to the app and then go find yourself. That's all you have to. Go find yourself, not the f, other words, other f word. Go find yourself in the app and then you'll see why we're not compatible. And if you want, just say listen, I'm trapeze solo and you're lion tamer. I'm going to use lion tamer as an example yes go find yourself and then tell me if we're compatible, and what it will do is help them find who they need yeah, is that you know?
Speaker 2:people say what is the what is the right choice? There is no right choice. The right choice for you is the right choice. That's why I don't do. I once um, coached um, someone that was really big on empirical data. You know what that is, don't you stats?
Speaker 2:oh, okay and she said to me I love your question, I love that, have what's your empirical data like? And I said, what do you mean? Because I didn't know what she meant. And she said, well, what percentage of people pick this and what percentage of people pick that? And I say, how is that going to help you? I said, well, it's not. But I'm curious. And I said, well, let it be curiosity in 10 years time, when I've got enough stats to actually produce that. But that's not going to help people.
Speaker 2:It's not about picking the one that's right, because there is no right or wrong. It's what's right for you, because who's going to date you, who's going to marry you, who's going to live with you? You are with the other person, so don't make one up, don't pretend you're Nadine. If you said to me I want to be a lion tamer, well, you want to be a lion tamer, but is that your truth? No, can you sustain that control in a relationship? Do you want to be the one Telling someone what to do? No, do you want them waiting for you to tell them Even worse, waiting for you to tell them? Or do you want them them even worse, waiting for you to tell them or do you want them to share responsibility for the relationship and actually get off their butt? We use that terminology get off their butt and share responsibility?
Speaker 2:Yeah, career, I mean you might have your career. They've got their respect that I've got to go out and work. You can go down, you know it doesn't matter. You could be at home, you could be a stay-at-home wife. That doesn't mean you've not got a career. To me that's just as important. You know, I might be the breadwinner and my wife isn't the breadwinner, but she is the home builder. She brings the kids up more than I do because she does everything for them. You know, not everything, but most of the things 90% she does.
Speaker 2:The bottom line is is understanding the dynamic that you need, not what you want. We all want a Ferrari, don't we? One of my analogies is we all want a Ferrari, but can we maintain it? Can we pay the insurance? Can we pay the service every year? Can we afford to put it outside our drive? Where we live in our neighborhood? Will it get vandalized? Because if you live in an affluent area, they've all got one, but if you live in an average area, you're going to find key marks all over it. You're going to find, you know, letting the tires down.
Speaker 2:So it's the same with relationships. Can you maintain the relationship you want versus the relationship you need? The relationship you need you very much can maintain that, make decisions with you, discuss it with you, not control you. Let you be an autonomous, which is what you need autonomy, independence, lets you shine, lets you be responsible and you allow them. No jealousy some jealousy can can come out and I I hate it when people say he's not jealous, he doesn't care about me. Do you know what? He's not jealous? Because he's secure in his attachment style yeah he's still threatened by your beauty.
Speaker 2:He doesn't feel threatened by other men approaching you. Obviously, if you've got them out and you're short and your skirts up to your navel, there's a lot to be threatened about. There's a lot to be about. Yeah, we're not talking about that. We're talking sensible now. Yeah, so there's lots of positives and negatives in relationships that we need to identify to help us direct us in the right direction. All right, definitely.
Speaker 1:I am going to start using your method and I want to see how well it does out of the month for me. I'm going to do and I want to report back to you too. So because I do believe in this, I really do, and you know, I just look at the questions I've been asking so like tell me something I don't know or nobody else knows about you, maybe a favorite childhood memory and it opens that it's an icebreaker. So it's just a way that I it's almost like interviewing- here I'm going to use the circus I'm going to interview.
Speaker 2:You know, this is the beauty it's. It's a question, that's not um, we need the whole idea. It's quite whimsical when you say circus people actually, oh right, okay, you said, let me ask you a question. You start feeling, oh my God, he's going to ask me about my past or my future, or where are going to be in five years time. We all know that question where you're going to be in five years time. Okay, that's great, but I might. Am I going to be with you in five years time? Who knows? So what's the point? Yeah, great to ask. Those are the questions you can ask over dinner. But what I want to know is are we as a compatible dynamic? That's important to me. Are you going to make me feel secure? One of the other analogies and I talked about the extreme polarities of the lion tamer and the lion 9 and 1, making 10.
Speaker 2:The most balanced relationship is the flying trapeze and the catcher. You know the one right in the middle of the circus where they both swing in and out. He's on one side and he's on the other side and all of a sudden she decides to flip and he catches her and he flings out this way and he comes back and he lets her go, and that's a five and a half and four and a half. That's the most balanced dynamic in a circus. Obviously, you're going to say why not a five and a half and four and a half? That's the most balanced dynamic in a circus.
Speaker 2:Obviously, you're going to say why not a five and a five? Well, they're balanced, but the analogy works because you can see it, they're two people working in complete timing, complete respect for each other. He knows his strength, which is to catch her when she needs it. She's got her independence on the other trapeze and once in a while she lets go and he's there to catch her. And that's how that relationship is is so that they're they're a completely balanced dynamic. And I'll tell you when you fall.
Speaker 2:That's the term that I'm thinking of yeah, exactly, and that and that works as an analogy. Strangely enough and I and I'll share this with you because we talked about weddings I was at a wedding once and um, at this wedding I got talking to a guy that I knew and I won't share too much information because if he ever sees this he'll know. Well, he doesn't matter because he knows. But I was talking to him and he said what are you working on at the moment? I said I'm working on this question. I said, actually, let me ask you the question first, because if you start telling people what it's about, it's because we want our unconscious selection to work, so we want our unconscious truth. So if you start saying it, you answer this question, it tells you this. You kind of spoil it a bit, ok. So I said to him listen, let me ask you this. And it was you. You kind of spoil it a bit, okay. So I said to him listen, let me ask you this question.
Speaker 2:I asked him the question and he said aha, and he kind of laughed into his drink because he was holding his glass of wine and I said why are you laughing? He went you're not gonna believe this. And I said what? And he said I imagine myself on a trapeze. And I said okay, what's so, what's so funny about that? And he said I'm wearing a shiny leotard, sparkly leotard, and I'm swinging and I'm letting go and someone's catching me now. He's a guy, yeah, yeah, but he's a guy and a straight guy, one, two, quite.
Speaker 2:I would say quite a strong, masculine, male, I would you know, quite feminine in the respect of being the one who gets caught yeah but I knew his wife and immediately I went oh my god, I this, this and this about you, similar to your traits, you know you like to be independent, autonomous, you like to shine, you like this, you like that. And he said yeah. And I said and your wife controls the relationship but likes to share the control with you? And he went my god, yeah. I said yeah. And I know that now because I know your wife, the saying she wears the trousers in the relationship. It's true for them, because he has to ask her before he actually agrees to do anything, but not on the basis that he feels codependent, just on the basis I'm going to check with my wife before I can let you know, kind of thing. And if she wants to say, I don't know, let's go holiday somewhere, if she says I want to go there, he invariably agrees. But they debate it, but they agree. And he said, oh my God, that analogy really works.
Speaker 2:And I said it wouldn't work the other way around it. She wouldn't be the one, the leotard, and you're where, you're the one catching her. And he said no, no chance. And she's his emotional strength, not his physical strength. His emotional strength because as much as he's a guy, he's quite emotional and a little bit insecure and now and again she's the pick-me-up. Yeah, and that's the compatibility for them. So that was an interesting aside from when you said about weddings. But we spent about half an hour chatting at this wedding and he pulled the wife over and he said look, you're going to like this. And I asked the question guess what she picked? Well, trapi Gotcha.
Speaker 1:Trapis yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and we were in fit, we were like laughing and he was like, oh my God. He said thank God she didn't say lion tamer, because I said, well, it's possible she could have said lion tamer, yes, but after two kids and 20 years Call out of the wedding. Two kids and 20 years. I think you pretty much say you've got quite a balanced relationship, yeah, so anyway, that's a good example. It is you can second guess it, how old is your daughter?
Speaker 1:Oh, she's 23. Well, there you go. You've got to ask her the question.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I can definitely she's in a asking family and friends is really interesting because when you ask family and friends, you already know them and you kind of think you know what they're going to answer. It's surprising when they do, when you look at the app and you can see what defines them and you think, oh my God, yeah, that is true.
Speaker 1:Why didn't I see?
Speaker 2:that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that is. Yeah, that's really cool. I am definitely going to use that.
Speaker 2:It works in the workplace as well, by the way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I can see why. But also, you know there is more. But I'm going to do a quick, really quick break and I'm going to bring in our next sponsor for Keep Up Alive, which is Snapfans, and, as you can see, I have mine on. Mine says I can't even get the words to show. Oh, you know what? Because I'm holding the words. Sorry about that.
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Speaker 1:Come and check out their website at wwwsnapbandscom and that is spelled S-N-A-P-P-B-A-N-D-Zcom. All right, well, we're back. So you know. I remember that there is another testing out there that they use for what is it when you're getting hired on? It's called a DISC. Have you heard of that?
Speaker 2:sorry, a disc. In respect of what the compatibility?
Speaker 1:E-I-S-C, and I guess you know, with the test it tells you if you're a D, and this is what it means, or I. I know I was an. I I'm bubbly, outgoing free spirit. You know things are on the go for me. I love to help people, so, and then S, and then you learn how to work with that person as well. Now, that's being said for corporations, but I feel like we're talking to people. That should be used for relationships also, and I, you know the two. Like I got to thinking, I want to combine the two now because I think circus is great. What are your thoughts?
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, I mean I'm familiar with Myers-Briggs, the Myers-Briggs compatibility system, sorry, the personality trait system, but again, when you go on a dating site and you see someone's got enjp, okay, first of all you need to be familiar with the system. Secondly, what does that mean to me? Yeah, exactly, or either you know, like you said, you're independent, or you're, you're um, you're confident, or whatever those letters mean. Fine, but confident people aren't always compatible with you. A lion tamer is not compatible with you and I've demonstrated how. So it's important. And I don't. I'm not familiar with the disk system. I'm familiar with the insights discovery system. Uh, what they use in in hr, in in workplaces, and you know, a whole four or five page manual is produced on your answering 20 odd questions. Look on a dating site. You haven't got a chance to ask 20 to 20 questions, have?
Speaker 2:you yeah no, and you know it needs to be fun. If you start asking me, why are you? I don't know, like the five day, five years, where you're going to be, even five years from now. First question I'm thinking, jesus, this is an interview, this is what they say when you're going into hr and you'll be interviewed for a job and you're and you're wondering whether you're going to be, you know, ambitious enough to rise up the ladder. So do we want to employ you?
Speaker 2:This is not what we're talking about here. We're talking about a dynamic, and a dynamic needs to be fun, otherwise people hold back, they withdraw. Um, it needs to be insightful because otherwise you're not getting their truth. And you know what, if you get in there quickly, before they actually discover this tool, maybe you'll get the truth without them thinking, well, um, I'm going to say lion tamer, because she looks like she could be a lion. The reality is this. You see, nadine is when people ask me, what about if they know this tool? They've, maybe they've got the app. The truth is they don't know what your answer is so never, say never, say before you ask them, I am a trapeze, whatever.
Speaker 2:Because then they will say if they want to seduce you, if they want to cause you harm, if they want to, you know, treat you casually. And you don't want to be treated casually and enter a dynamic which is not going to be favorable for you, then you need to kind of hold your cards close to your chest and say I, I'll tell you what I am when you tell me what you are exactly the leo, the scorpio, the whatever. Don't reveal what you are before you ask them. Then you know the compatibility, then you can control the dynamic. And that's why I like coaching women, because it gives them control, even if they want to be in control of their relationship and they want a man or a partner to take control of their relationship. The tool allows them to have that control.
Speaker 2:And you know what? It's quite satisfying because women come to me as a coach and they say look, can you help me here? And I empower them with this tool far more than they thought they were going to be empowered, because they just thought I was going to, you know, say oh, you look lovely. Oh, you've written a great bio, there's some nice pictures. Yeah, this picture, choose this picture, not that picture. That's empowering this is this is so empowering.
Speaker 2:Clients come back to me and they say, and I'm sure you will come back to me and go oh my god, I've had so much fun with this, because the guy didn't know what hit him. He thought he was so clever. He was kind of like yeah, I'm going to get into your sliding to your dms it doesn't have to be a dating site, by the way sliding to your dms on social media and then you hit them with a question, even better, on social media, because you can check out their profile and you can. You can look down their profile and identify the traits that you're reading on the app. Exactly okay. But I like the guy. I wonder let's have, oh my god, look, narcissist. He's posing in front of his car. He's got big fish. You know. He's kind of doing the things that he shouldn't be doing. They're not compatible with me, you know, whereas someone who's balanced, who's ideal for you, might be a bit more family-orientated in respect of their life yes.
Speaker 2:You know, it doesn't mean that lion tamers are no good. It doesn't mean that lion tamers are no good. It doesn't mean lions are no good. It doesn't mean any of the attacks are no good.
Speaker 1:They're no good for you. That's all gotcha, gotcha, yeah. So I want to look at that app and again your listeners or your viewers.
Speaker 2:If they want to know directly from me, then you've got the links. Um, there's a community on the app. Uh, we've just installed the community where you can q and a me. Uh, unfortunately, people can't talk to each other. So you, you can talk to me or to the team, but you can't talk to each other at this stage. Uh, we haven't created the system where people are able to share. You can share comments, but you can't dm people. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:it, yeah, it does, and I think that's actually better. Yes, just to keep it safer yeah, definitely, I agree with you on that. So let me just ask you.
Speaker 1:I want to ask you a quick question so say I am at a bar for karaoke and this guy starts talking to me. He's kind of cute, but you know it's at a bar and everybody tells you don't ever date anybody from this bar. But then you also hear stories. I met him at the bar, we're getting married, you know so, but you can't like how. How would you say I have a question for you? Close your eyes. And I mean that's not going to work. You can't tell him to close his eyes.
Speaker 2:So how do you get?
Speaker 2:around that okay, well, you look, for drama's sake, we closed our eyes, we went the breathing technique. It would look, especially if he's a barman. You know he's the bartender. Hey, close your eyes, don't toss in the bottles, I just need a shot, then you. Then you either need to do it a different way, which could be uh it. You know you could do it another way. You could write a note on your phone, pull out the app, let him read, because in the section where I ask the question on the app, I do it vocally, so if it's quiet you can hear it, or he can read it because you've got the auto. Um, you know, you're not looking at me, you're just listening and you're, you can see the auto text, so it will write it. You can either send them a voice note sorry, send them a note or you can whisper in their ear and just ask it the way I asked. You don't worry about the breathing, whatever, because, look, it's going to work at some point at some level. Okay, yeah, truth is, if he identifies with lion for you, for you, for example, lion, tamer or lion, you know, it's a dead, dead in the water if you identify with something that's kind of and you've got the app, remember, you're sliding, you can see, oh, let me just, uh, let me, oh, I just need to go to the loo. And you go to the toilet or the bathroom or the whatever you call it in the states. You go to the um, the ladies and you, and you pull out the app and you go, I said a still walker, what the hell is still walker. And you look it up and you go, oh, yeah, it's a six. Oh, it's a six okay. Oh, I'm a four, that's a ten. Yeah, that's a ten. Oh, okay, that's balanced.
Speaker 2:Good, you look at his main positive traits. They, they resonate with yours. Okay, now we've got a conversation starter, we can go back and we can start talking about things that are important to you that you know are going to resonate with him. Remember, you're able to seduce him. This is key, by the way. You're able to seduce him by knowing what he is about. Now, that's a very key situation here, because you, as the woman, are able to direct the situation. In other words, you're able to tap into his vulnerability. His vulnerability is the positives in his character traits, not his negatives. So you're able to say, okay, I'm really family orientated, I really do this and I do this at weekends. What about you? Oh God, that's what I like doing, yeah, and you can create the environment that works and seduce the relationship. In other words, look, when I coach clients and I'm sure you do it as well the most important element in finding your ideal partner is recognition, recognizing them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the most important is directing the dynamic, because nobody knows how good you are to another person or how well you would be together, other than you selling yourself. If you go to an interview, you don't sit there quiet, ask me questions, okay, and you say, look, you know. Okay, I appreciate you know you're asking me questions, but what can your business offer me? Yeah, and the interviewer actually goes ah, ok, we've got a great candidate here, because they're not just sitting there waiting for me to direct this. They want to be part of the dynamic. So it's important to actually open the door to conversation and help generally men recognize what they are possibly going to lose by not dating you. Because you said you fancy the guy. Yeah, you like the look of the guy. It isn't just a case of you going up to him. Rejection is going to happen easily. You need to be able to open a door with a conversation, and then you need to be able to continue that conversation with something that he is going to feel comfortable about gotcha?
Speaker 1:yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:So that's where the strategy comes there's a lot of layers, there's a lot of layers, and the strategy that comes into it is quite important. I mean, you know, it's not as simple as oh, he's a stilt walker, that's a six, I'm a four, perfect, even if you, you can explain, you can even show them the app. Okay, these are your traits, are they? And he'll say oh, yeah, yeah, you know what that is me. You're half selling the relationship, aren't you? You're kind of look.
Speaker 2:You know that's the selfie where we look together. You know we look great together and all your friends are saying on social media you look like a couple. Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1:Yes, I do.
Speaker 2:And I think it's important to have that opportunity, especially as a woman. I mean, bridget Jones would have loved an app like this.
Speaker 1:No, I have not seen her show. I've got to watch it?
Speaker 2:Oh, you haven't. Is it like two or?
Speaker 2:three or four, four came out. So, yeah, you need to see. Well, yeah, I mean, do you know what I? I? I really I relate to it because a lot of my clients relate to bridget jones. Yeah, because I coach mainly women and they're always saying, look, I'm the one you know, I'm the one at the wedding, not the one getting married, or I'm the one that got married and got divorced, or I'm the single mother and I can't find a partner that's, you know, worthy of me. And the reality is be the best version of yourself. Yes, and there are lots of ways to achieve that. You know, don't accept nothing for the sake of nothing, but be the best version of yourself and you will attract the best version for you. You know I agree, yeah.
Speaker 2:I agree as a coach, um, people say to me yeah, but you know I don't want to be so full on and pushy and whatever you don't have to be, you'll attract your perfect partner by being their perfect vision. Whatever that vision is, if they're not worthy of you, then you haven't lost anything, have you?
Speaker 1:nope, you haven't. So even when you're going out dating and you plan another date, you're still in that learning phase too. So I always look at what communication Can they communicate, like we did when we were just now meeting. Has anything changed, you know? And then maybe, knowing that characteristic that they carry, you know, I hate to say the whys and I just need to move that along. If it doesn't work, it does not work. Thank you, god, because you know what. You just stopped me from investing my time into somebody who's not going to even care. So that is a blessing and I'm going to take it as that. So, but you know, a lot of people do go through this. Yeah, I do.
Speaker 2:Dating relationships are painful Not always, but they're painful. I've been there, I've been heartbroken several times. Luckily I'm still friends with several of my exes and I've asked them the question question and I've identified why it went wrong. And it's interesting because I I can identify why we were compatible to a certain extent, but I can also identify absolutely why we went different directions yes now something I'll give you.
Speaker 2:I'm I'm going to give you something as a takeaway which is important. X's are an X for a reason. Look forward to the upgrade. Yes, you don't downgrade your phone. Always upgrade your X Upgrade it yeah.
Speaker 2:Look at what you had. Thank you very much. Like you said, thank you, god. Whatever I I had, however good it was, it was good enough. But now it's not good enough to be there.
Speaker 2:Listen, thankfully I've not been cheated on. Thankfully I've not been um in a bad relationship where I had to get out. These are the proper relationships. Yeah, you know the marriage and engagement relationships, uh, where I felt I needed to get away and to the point where I hate my partner. It's never been that way. I've had a lot of respect.
Speaker 2:We've broken up respectfully, but when you break up, you don't upgrade because the other person was not good enough. You upgrade because you look forward to where you are going, your, your journey of upgrading, yeah, yeah, exactly. So you upgrade yourself to upgrade better, just like you do with your phone. You know you'd never go back to an iPhone 4 or Google 2 or 3, whatever they used to be. You know you'd never do that. So why would you be in a relationship? So just cut and move on. Reminisce if you have to, but you know what, when you find yourself in that perfect relationship for you, ultimately you will look back and go. I'm only here because of my previous experiences and I would never go back, and I'll give you a good one. There's that story about the blue door and the red door. Would you have the red door with the 10 million, 10 million pounds or 10 million dollars red door? Or would you have the blue door and be 20, 20, be your 20 year old self again, knowing what you know now? What would you do?
Speaker 2:I would probably do be myself back when I was younger, honestly I know why because it's huh because you haven't got to that relationship that you if you had, if you had your perfect relationship right this minute, you wouldn't go back. You'd have your 20, I would take the money hey, that's where I am, so I'd have, I I've got. You know, I'm not saying I've got, but I've got the 20 million and I'm with my relationship and my kids and I'm happy. If you go back to your 20 year old self, you haven't got your daughter oh well yeah, you're thinking about right, yeah so what we want really is to be our best possible future, which is more important.
Speaker 2:I mean listen, if it looks like 20, 30 years younger and you know less wrinkles and whatever. Why not? But at the same time I don't want to lose my family.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I hear you.
Speaker 2:Tony Robbins says experiences happen for you, not to you. Oh, I like that yeah.
Speaker 1:Um experiences happen for you, not to you.
Speaker 2:Oh, I like that, yeah, they happen for you. It's a lesson. So let's learn the lesson move forward gracefully if you're a woman, respectfully if you're a man. Yeah, definitely, feminists. That feisty feminine is. It's not attractive. Men don't like that feisty femme. I want you to be a graceful female. Yes, strong, yes, autonomous for me anyway, but not feisty. Stop with the middle finger and profiles.
Speaker 1:Oh gosh yeah, that's not classy to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so we're gonna have to cut short because I've got to be somewhere, but I know we'll tell people how they can find you um for social media wise and um, well, there, there might be various links, but I'm Andreas dating coach, uh, on Facebook and if you want to find out about the circus question, the app, uh, you can follow the link or you can find it. The dash circus, dash question dot passion dot io. I think it's in the link, okay I love it okay circus question app and it might come up at some point.
Speaker 1:Yay, well, I'll make this very quick. Thank you for coming on to the show. Remember to find us at wwwkeephopealivepodcastcom. On the website, there is a section for leave a message. And you can leave him a message. I'll give it to him. We'll get that answered as soon as possible. Wherever you find your podcast, you will be able to find Keep Hope Alive. Thank you for joining. Until our next show, love and light. Bye-bye.
