59 - Where Are You Holding Back Your Power?

In this episode of Unlock Your Soul Magic, I share openly about a theme that’s been alive for me lately: running away from our power, and how might we gently embrace it.

I recorded this right before an expo years back, it is still a relevant story where I share my current inner journey of stepping more fully into my work as a healer and channeler, while still navigating the edges of fear, visibility, and being seen as “too much.” I go into what’s coming up for me as I prepare to speak and host a booth at an in-person psychic fair (something that feels both thrilling and deeply vulnerable), and how even practical steps, like writing a profile or listing qualifications, can bring up old conditioning and nervous system responses.

I explore:

• What it means to hold back parts of your energy and why we do it
• How power, especially healing and relational power, has been historically diminished
• The difference between self-sabotage and nervous system overwhelm
• Why fear of being seen often masks fear of our own intensity and gifts
• How baby steps, co-regulation, and self-trust help us reclaim our voice
• Reflective prompts to notice where you might be retracting your power

This episode is a mix of reflection, my story, and an invitation - to notice where your soul wants to speak, where your energy wants to expand, and how you might meet that edge with compassion and gentleness

If this episode spoke to you - notice and trust that.

Thank you for being here, for listening, and for remembering with me 🙏✨

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Transcript

Unlock Your Soul Magic Podcast Opening

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 0:00

Hello, welcome to Unlock your Soul Magic, a podcast that I, Nikhi Joshi, host. I'm an Akashic Record reader, human design reader, astrology reader and so many other soul languages that show up in seasons like numerology and more, with a dash of trauma-informed coaching, inner child and parts work. All of that flows in my readings and sessions. So if you're new to my page, I wanted to introduce myself and say hi, welcome. As for today, I am called to speak on this topic of running away from your power. To speak on this topic of running away from your power, a bit about what this podcast is meant to be a journey on. I am very much on a journey of moving from my corporate nine to nine I wanted to say nine to five, but it's really not. It's very unboundaried as a job and, while I love many aspects of it, which have been very soul fulfilling in seasons, I am in a place where I'm clearer than ever before that my sole purpose, my life purpose in this lifetime, in this incarnation, is to be a healer, a channeler, a psychic practitioner of the healing arts, like all these words in terms, um, to bring so much unconditional love and acceptance to parts of us that, where it feels hard to access and that is such a bridge in my mind like to go from where I am or where I've been to where I really, really want to be, and I'm taking you along for the journey and I bring to you parts of me as they surface, in the hope that they activate and awaken parts of yourself that may have been laying dormant or may have not quite had a voice so to me. Today I really wanted to speak on this theme of power and how it's coming up for me on my journey. And you get to hear, you get to be the first to hear about this. I've been mentioning this briefly in my stories, but if you're watching this, you'll hear now that I am going to be participating in a psychic fair, like a real in-person feels. So strange to say it, but after the last three years or so, I'm recording this in July 2023. And, oh my god, we can do in person things again and without wearing masks and doing all the things. It was hard to see this point back in 2020. And here we are, and I said yes to hosting a booth and giving a talk at this fair. As I'm saying it, I'm noticing the like sensations at the back of my neck and high heart and in front here, it's like, oh, it's exciting and thrilling and it's also scary, like very scary, I will say. The scary is like quiet and excitement is high right now and there's a bit of a dance and we'll see how that goes as I get closer to it.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 3:35

It's on July 15th and 16th in Santa Clara, california. I will be there, for sure, on the 15th. I'm not likely going to be there on the 16th. So the 15th is when I host my talk and I host a booth. I'm going to be giving a talk on. Well, really it's more of a channeled share and meditation. It was like saying talk, but is it really? Yes, I do use my voice and talk, but really I intend to share some of the cool, magical things I've seen happen in Akashic Record readings and then want to take the audience through a journey within the Akashic Records so they can experience the magic, the energetic shift for themselves.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 4:24

As I've experienced in and it's always co-created with the energy of the audience, it's I find it so powerful to do group readings. I got to do one when I went to my human design training in Costa Rica. Gosh, when was that? The starting of 2022. Gosh, when was that the starting of 2022? And um got to sit with like 35 plus amazing souls all in one room and to channel live. Oh, my goodness, like the energy was electric and when I've done this, even over, zoom in groups like the flood of energy, and the words just come and the messages just come and it's so healing for everyone involved and I'm so so like it's such a soul-fulfilling part of my work here. Um and my booth is going to be all about giving out free, like mini human design readings and helping you understand your energetic blueprint. So, if you happen to be nearby and look it up on the map, if you're not sure, I would love to see you there. I'm so excited to be doing this and practicing being seen.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 5:36

For a lot of us healers, those who identify with the healer archetype you don't have to be a psychic or a coach necessarily. You could be bringing this energy in your day job or, as a parent, identify with the healer archetype. You don't have to be a psychic or a coach necessarily. You could be bringing this energy and your day job or as a parent or so many roles that we might play. Um, like we have a lot of collective wounding around healers.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 5:59

This was not valued, recognized. It was very much community care and at some point was very valued, but then stuff happened and we chose to suppress this power. It is power. It is healing power. There is so much power in love. There is so much power in bringing acceptance and love to someone who is deeply in need of it, who doesn't feel heard and seen, and it's unfortunate that we live in a society where this is downplayed, like the importance of it is downplayed. It's not valued monetarily or practically in terms of time and material resources, and I hope to see a day where this shifts and I'm practicing embodying that more and more and not trying to diminish my own needs around. Like I have emotional needs, I need self-care. So easy to override that and get into. I just need to be productive and do all the things which has very much been conditioning I've taken on in many aspects of my life and we're all unraveling and unlearning that.

Overcoming Self-Doubt and Owning Power

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 7:10

So, with that, that was about my cool share and you like reveal about upcoming weekend. If you're hearing this when I released this for the first time on Instagram. Hearing this when I released this for the first time on Instagram. It's about like a week and a half out from now, on July 15th, saturday, santa Clara, california, so I'll be sharing more details online and if you're not able to make it or can't be there, I'm going to see how I can bring some of that magic back to my online platforms, where I spent the most time over the last few years bringing all of this soul magic to you all. But on to the point of this podcast and where I was going to share what was happening that really sparked me coming on here and speaking is for this fair. There are many logistical steps not all that I've had to undertake till now, like a brochure or business card and creating some kind of banner or poster and, yes, those are. I'm like taking those steps. And there was the step that I had to take care of today to create a profile for myself, and it's interesting to notice how and I want, as I'm sharing my experience, want you to think about where this might apply in your life is like where are there places in your life where you're like, can feel yourself holding back? Or it feels like, oh, it's too much for me to like say all that or set that boundary or be clear on what I truly and really need from this relationship, this next conversation, this, this project, this interaction, whatever it might be the handyman who comes home, your next meeting with your boss, like just think about where you might be holding back. That holding back is coming from a place of uncertainty, doubt, but many times, like I think of it as just holding back is. Like all right, I'm holding back some part of my energy, and why might that be? Because you're afraid of its intensity? Or for the other person, is it too much for you to be with? I'd love for you to think about that, as I share here.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 9:45

So I was getting through what I realized is a multi-step process to create a profile, to figure out all right, here's the right profile picture that I really like and my body is feeling a yes around to. Then I created this profile cover If you've seen those banners on Facebook pages and I'm like, oh, okay, let me write down some keywords of my business. Like these are all the types of readings that I do. And then it became like, oh, but people mean not everyone who sees it gets what the reading really entails. So then I reworded it to say like you get to understand your soul history or your past lives and heal old wounding or retrieve and reactivate old soul gifts.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 10:34

Like it started to be more descriptive and then I started to feel this like, oh, wow, there's a lot here and okay, like I want it to make sense, but is this too many words and is this too much? Like that, notice that talk track starting or thought track starting in your mind whenever this might happen, because it's when your brain is going into like, oh, and there's all these things. And then it's like, okay, I'm going in multiple directions. And then it's sometimes easier to like let's just ignore this for a while and procrastinate and not do the thing or not have the conversation, because there's just unclear energy. And I managed to ground myself enough that I was like, okay, I feel good about this profile cover and let's hit upload and let's click on the next tab. And then the next tab is like write all your qualification, all your honors and awards.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 11:32

And I'm sitting there like I'm not sure if there's a like. I was like clicking on a few other people's profiles, like, okay, what do I write here? And then I realized like, oh wait, no, I've done so many things, even if my business is short in its lifetime, as of a few years it's. I've done so many courses and programs and there are certifications and other things and it was so surprising to me to notice how I was just like I. It felt daunting to look at that blank large text box on the screen and then say, okay, fill in all your qualifications and honors and awards and more, and feeling like, oh, my goodness, okay, where do I start? What do I do? Like I'll start from my bachelor's degree and in biotechnology back in the day, to my master's degree, to all these things.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 12:36

And how quick I was to like diminish and say, gosh, I don't know if I have like enough, I don't have the right things or I didn't quite get like a certification of some sort In, say, akashic Records. I did a course and I've done a lot of intuition trainings and programs since and hundreds of hours of practice, so many hours of practice, and yet that was not the first thought that came to mind. Um and so, especially when we are trying to do something new, feeling um. One of my coaches from a long time ago called it like conscious incompetence, like it just doesn't feel familiar, like I haven't had to make a business profile on a listing anywhere. I've occasionally introduced myself in groups and I've done podcast interviews and more, but nothing quite this systematic in the last two years and it's risky.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 13:42

I definitely know that I have a lot of old soul like wounding. I've channeled past lives of mine, um, which have had like some significant trauma around you know, expressing my gifts, and I've had lifetimes where I didn't even express anything intuitive, psychic, like it was kind of buried over lifetimes and it really feels like my soul wants to understand and complete the story arc of like well, you express this gift and then you didn't really express it. And here you come back full circle and let's see how it's like to really embody spirituality in this big way after spending multiple decades of like being a closeted, like individual when it comes to like I'm into spirituality, like not dogmatic, hyper religious spirituality, um, there's so much more I can say on that, but I'm not going to go there and, yeah, just being now in this place of, oh, I get to share my gifts, I get to be seen fully, I get to own who I am and trust that I have something very useful and unique to bring, even if I'm discovering parts of it, even if, like, there are sessions where I'm like, oh, wow, that took a completely different direction. I trusted my channeling and I trusted my clients and the space that we held together, and I get to be in this fun discovery process as much as, at the same time, trying to put it into tangible 3D words and explain what it is that I do. What are the results that I bring to the table for my clients.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 15:36

It's hard when you can also operate in this non-dual world of energy and I see everything and it's all so beautiful and it's best to be experienced. So, anyway, just sharing all the rambly thoughts that can arise when confronted by okay, and now claim it, state who you are and what you can do and who you want to be, and put a stake in the ground, I could feel myself retract and it felt like a lot and it felt like me being like oh, that's me unleashing more of my energy and my power and my gifts, and that just felt like. Felt like oh, that's like a lot to trust. Regulate around is the word. It just felt like a lot of energy.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 16:27

Um, we might call this like if, if the behavior that results from all those feelings is like you stall, you stop, you procrastinate is when this could be labeled as being self-sabotagey or procrastinating all these labels that we use just because our nervous systems aren't quite attuned to dealing with our bar. That's. The whole point of this is that if you are running away from your bar, like you've lived in a society which has conditioned a lot of us, especially women, especially women, who bring all these like emotional healing and deep presence and love as their gifts and their power, like it's diminished, that like you were conditioned to treat this as not being powerful, as being like not worthy enough of being paid for, of so many things, I'm just like flooded with energy and taking a moment to receive that. Yeah, I feel very passionately that as someone who has run away from power, owning her power most of her life life because, as an only daughter of very um, how do I feel? Like I want to say it parents who only found control within themselves by controlling many aspects of my life, I didn't feel like I had dominion and control and power over my life, and I think we all experience some version of that as kids. It makes sense we're figuring out the world because we forget a lot of things every time we reincarnate, as I believe, and however that might fit into your belief paradigm that you know we come in and then we have wounding around, not having enough control, not being fully in a bar, like as when I have gone in. I haven't really shared this story on on instagram, I think, but when I was going through a lot of deep trauma healing in the last few years and I was doing this program with Mastin Kipp, with whom I did like a certification and more, and it's really like helped solidify a lot of concepts I was learning at that time time one of the things I got coached on at some point around a big argument my parents had and me feeling very like stuck in the middle and not being able to express and use my voice to shift the energy or redirect it, I think something that really stunned me when the coach was inquiring and asking me okay, um, like what were you thinking in the moment and what were you feeling and what did you want to do?

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 19:26

And I said, oh, I wanted to speak up, I wanted to make them stop. And then I said like, oh, I can help heal my parents and my dad and mom. Like, yeah, I can help heal my dad. That's specifically what I'd said and I'm even to this day. I'm like, yeah, I can help heal my dad. That's specifically what I'd said and I'm even to this day. I'm like, oh wow, that was me tapping into three year old version of me, who apparently thought that.

Empowering Authenticity Through Self-Reflection

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 19:53

And I I often imagine and wonder like what if we were put here on this earth to do big things, to shift our energy, to raise the vibration of the planet, as you'd call it really like just improve our frustratingly hard energy that we deal with on this planet? Life isn't easy at times, emotionally and physically, and if you came with big dreams and big goals and then you come here and you're like I don't have any clue how to like like use the restroom or like eat and take care of myself, it feels very like, um, I'm not sure I'm doing what I came here for. I'm kind of running behind schedule. At this point I I feel you because, because I feel like I've been operating behind and I haven't done all that I've come here to do, feeling, and it has taken me practice to rewire the thought, it has taken me practice to trust that, okay, I couldn't heal my parents then, and I may need to be okay with I may not be able to heal them the way that my true self would love to, but that doesn't mean that I can't bring my power forth in the future or even in the present moment.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 21:15

Every day I get to make a different choice. I get to be more of the true, authentic me, and that's me getting to rewire and reprogram and use behavior to start to show my nervous system that it's safe, that it is safe that I don't have to hide, that I don't need to like either stay in this free state of not doing anything or pretend that I'm okay with what's going on, or hide my gifts or like diminish them and say, well, I'm just trying to do this. I'll give you another example of where I've noticed this come up. I've been piloting, doing past life regressions, kind of through a synchronistic sequence of events and conversations with dear friends, and was like, okay, let's try it. And I keep saying like, oh, this feels like us channeling together rather than like trusting. Oh, there's definitely energy that I bring to the table or my guides are helping.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 22:27

As much as it's such a beautiful thing when I hold space for another person to channel, like it just makes my heart sing when I can see that the other person's really tapped in and tuning into their intuition or their guides or whatever wants to come through their inner child, a past life and it happens sporadically in other kinds of readings I do, if the guides take us there, but past life regressions are really designed for me to hold space and so I'm already there like kind of diminishing like my power in that whole equation, because that feels safe, that feels comfortable, and I think I don't want to share all this and make it feel like, oh, by being this, or it can show up as people pleasing introverted energy, that it's a terrible thing or it's such a bad habit I've created. No, that, the way I look at it, it's like, oh, I know how to keep my power here, understand where my locus of control is. It's that I create space for you to also embody more and more of your power. I don't want to come in and be the person where I'm going to like smother you with my power. I want to, like show you my power, like my gifts and my voice and my thoughts in a way that can activate you and like oh, that's a part of me too. I wasn't thinking of that, but you reminded me that I thought of that some days ago or years ago, and if it awakens a part of you, then that's my part, awakening your part, and I'd love to see that. I'd love to see more of us share. I'd love to see more of us like trust ourselves and share our gifts. And if there's something you've been wanting to do and like really wanting to go after it, like this aside soul business of some sort, or if it's taking the strip that you've been meaning to go on, but it requires a lot of planning and coordination with people, but it requires a lot of planning and coordination with people. I invite you to take the time to notice where it is that you are retracting your power. You're holding back for fear of and see if you can name that fear.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 24:54

For me, the fear has been the fear of being seen, the fear of being seen as too much and too powerful, and that's me contorting myself for taking care of someone else, which, after a while, is too hard. It's too hard to contain your energy like that again and again. And this is where knowing my human design, knowing my past lives and my soul, history and more through my records and knowing my astrology, like I know where my gifts lie, I know my energy, I know my authentic self, that I know where it makes sense for me to lean in, and I can notice when I'm not leaning in, when I'm not giving my opinion, when I'm not communicating in a way that I'm designed to or listening to my body and intuition. Like these are the parts of us that we seem the quietest but are like they become loud. They become loud through physical symptoms, through physical symptoms, they become loud through feeling like there's a tornado swirling inside you of uncertainty and frustration and or apathy around your current situation. Like those are all signs to listen to that your soul wants to speak. What does your soul want to do?

Embracing Energy and Taking Baby Steps

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 26:18

Remember that situation, that moment, that interaction, whatever it is that you thought of earlier, and see if there's an idea, there's a spark of something that wants to come through as a next step, as a thing that you want to presence and acknowledge. Like I have this fear and therefore this is hard and that's the first step is noticing that, because in that awareness, in being aware of what's happening right now, is when you are tapping into this observer lens, which is your soul's lens. Think of it. Your soul's like, oh, you're here, okay, and tomorrow we can go here or here or here. It's like trying to map out and can kind of see the grand landscape of things, your story arc, as I like to call it. So play with that invitation and see what comes forth. And, as I'm going to also take all of what I just shared and presence, that it's hard to sit down to trust, that, even though I've run away from you know wanted to make like a spiritual CV or resume of here's all the cool things that I've done in the last three years, like I hesitated around doing that and I'm going to practice. I'm going to practice titrating. Baby steps are all great ways to get comfortable with energy. It feels unfamiliar. I don't want to label it as too big or too much Because again my nervous system might be like let's retract and see how you can apply all that I shared from my journey. But I'm excited to be embodying more of myself, my true self, by letting myself really be seen. Maybe I'm gonna heal a bunch of past life trauma by speaking live at this event that's called the psychic fair.

Nikhi Joshi (she/her) 28:14

Um, yeah, I feel very thrilled to be able to share that with you all and no matter what the outcome. I'm really proud of earlier version me that trusted myself, that sought out emotional support from friends and family to do this, and I hope you can lean on co-regulation, like nervous systems and energy of people that you trust, to allow you to take the baby steps in any part of your life that you are retracting your power within. That you're holding parts of yourself back that really want to speak and be seen and with that I'm feeling like the energy is complete around this episode. Know that if you feel called to work more deeply together that I do one-on-one readings and soul journeys. You can find all the information you need on my profile on Instagram and links on my website at nikijoshicom. With that, sending all much love, lots of gratitude for the energy of this day and time, wherever you might be in the world and whenever you listen to this.