Bonus Episode: Understanding Why a Good Parent-Child Fit Matters

Welcome to the first mini-bonus episode where I focus on one or two key concepts or skills in a conversation with my producer Alletta Cooper. Every once in a while we will add one of these bonus episodes to further explain a concept/skill that came up in the previous session.   In this episode I explore and explain what the parent-child fit is and why it is so important.  In parenting, there are often conflicting needs and wants. Navigating these dilemmas and finding solutions is critical for creating a validating environment which fosters a "good" parent-child fit.

Time Stamps

1:48 Defining the parent-child fit 

3:21 The “goodness” of fit vs the “poor” fit

4:03 Creating a safe environment for the child to feel safe, feel capable, feel seen

4:45 Balancing between accepting your child vs changing your child

6:34 Figuring out what works to validate everyone’s needs

6:44 Respect = creating a validating environment

6:58 An example of unintentionally creating an invalidating environment

8:30 A dialectic dilemma is the tension between expectations or needs

8:40 The synthesis is the solution to the dilemma

9:10 Name it for the child that they may be different but not bad!

10:38 Asking parents to open their eyes to ALL of their children, not just the child with the disruptive behaviors

11:57 - 16:08  Steps to create a good parent-child fit

1. This is called the bio-social fit - a transactional model
   1. Look at biological make up your child
   2. Look at the environment (the parent, the teacher, the classroom)
2. Acknowledge the differences without judgement
   1. Validate, validate, validate
3. Use flexible thinking  and problem-solving including Brainstorming
4. Balance between acceptance and change 
   1. Be creative in your solutions
5. Respect, connect and collaborate with your child

Resources:  

Leslie’s Handout: Understanding the Parent Child Fit

Leslie-ism: Remember to respect, connect and collaborate with your child

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Transcript

[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]

0:03  Leslie Cohen-Rubury:  Hi friends. We're trying something new based on feedback you gave us on this survey. This is a bonus mini episode of, Is My Child A Monster?, a parenting skills podcast. 

So what we're going to do is, every once in a while, we're going to drop a mini bonus episode as a way to reinforce the skills and increase learning. In other words, it's a way to separate the skills from the story, especially when your time may be limited. So I'm Leslie Cohen-Rubury; and no, your child is not a monster, just misunderstood. 

Today, we're going to focus on some of the skills and concepts I talked about with Sarah in her first session, including, what is the parent-child fit? What does that mean, and why is it so important? And how flexible thinking is a really key element. And finally, how to create a validating environment and not an invalidating environment. 

So as a reminder, this show is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapeutic intervention. My producer, Alletta Cooper, is here with me today to have a conversation about these skills.

Leslie:  Hi, Alletta.

1:15  Alletta Cooper:  Thank you so much for having me. 

1:19  Leslie:  Okay, I'm excited to talk about some of these things.

1:23  Alletta:  So one of the concepts you brought up several times with Sarah, that you've also mentioned in other episodes in past seasons, is the parent-child fit. And I just really want to better understand exactly what that is. Can you just break down in its simplest terms, what the parent-child fit is? What does that mean?

1:42  Leslie:  I'm laughing because I don't do things simply, but I will try. Here we go. The parent-child fit is describing the relationship, the interaction, between a child's temperament and their needs and the way they show up in the world and their environment. Now, the environment can include the parent, both parents if there are two parents, the family as a whole, the family dynamic, family expectations, family norms, and it can include school, classroom, teacher. So the environment is any aspect that's outside the child, and it's the interaction between that environment and that child. That's what we describe as the parent-child fit, or what we also call the biosocial theory in DBT. 

2:34  Alletta:  I also want to make it clear to make sure that I'm understanding this. It isn't that a parent and child need to fit together perfectly, like puzzle pieces. This is more describing how they fit together. Like, how their relationship dynamic fits together, rather than being this need for some perfect fit.

2:53  Leslie:  Right. It's not a similarity. We don't need to create sameness with everybody. So that's a really important factor that you're pointing out. It's not about everyone being the same and we all get along and we're all on the same page; but rather, the fit is about the respect. The fit is about: how do I interact with my child when they're similar or when they're different? 

So a good fit, the goodness of a fit, is when we can respect and connect to our child, even with the differences. And a poor fit is when there's a breakdown between that fit and there's tension and there's frustration and maybe misunderstanding. But it's not, as we say, a good fit. It doesn't run smoothly. 

3:45  Alletta:  So, if you are currently in a dynamic within your family where the parent-child fit doesn't feel quite right, can it get better? Can you improve that fit? 

3:54  Leslie:  Absolutely. So, what's important about the fit is that it creates a safe environment for the child to grow. A lot of the skills that I teach on this podcast are about creating that environment for a child to feel capable, to feel safe, to feel seen. We need to start with understanding who the child is, and once we understand who the child is, then I can make changes at times to respect my child. 

So it can be a give-and-take in both ways. I can work with my child to change and give them skills. Or I can accept my child for who they are, and I can make some changes in my own behavior or in the environment. And what's popping up in my mind right now, because I noticed that I'm talking maybe loudly, is that. Can you imagine if one of my children was a highly sensitive child and has sensory integration struggles where loud noises overwhelm them, right and here I am. I go around. I'm yelling…not even if I'm yelling. I just talk loudly. It's not yelling, it's just I talk loudly… 

5:06  Alletta:  You’re an enthusiastic person.

5:07  Leslie:  I am, thank you! Passionate, enthusiastic, and it's at a high volume. So can you imagine for that child, if they're trying to feel calm and quiet, do their homework, focus on eating dinner, and I am very, very loud—that's a poor fit. That's an invalidating environment. I don't mean to create an invalidating environment. I'm just being me, my child’s just being them, but the fit together is a poor fit. 

So as a parent—and I put the responsibility on the parent—I say: I can do something about that. I can give my child headphones and say, “Hey, this might make it more comfortable for you.” Then I don't have to change anything about me. Or when I'm at dinner, and I really want them to focus on eating, I can lower my voice. I can talk much more quietly, because everybody can hear me when I lower my voice. I don't need that volume. So you can see that there is variety. There are, really, a number of things that can be done so that we can improve the fit and improve the transaction between my child and myself.

6:13  Alletta:  That makes a lot of sense. So it isn't about necessarily becoming a whole new person to try to accommodate your child. It's about figuring out what works within your family dynamic, to accommodate everyone's needs and to validate everyone's needs. Is that right? 

6:29  Leslie:  Yes, because that's respect. That's creating a validating environment, and many families without realizing it can create an invalidating environment. So for example, let's say you are a family where everybody loves sports, and so a Saturday would be, “Let's go out and throw the baseball around. Let's go skating, let's go bike riding.”

6:52  Alletta:  That was my family, but I was the arts kid. 

6:54  Leslie:  That’s exactly what I was going to give the example of. I know…

[Laughter]

6:58  Alletta:  …I know. I hated sports. All I wanted to do was go to the theater, read a book, take some photos, go to a museum, and everyone else was out doing stuff.

7:05  Leslie:  And that's just the example I was going to give, so I don't even have to give it. I was going to say that the child, whose mom and dad are saying, “Hey, let's go outside. Let's go for a bike ride, everybody.” And all the other kids, if there are other children, are all excited. They want to go. And this one child begins to say, “There must be something wrong with me. I really want to spend the day making my castle that I was building,” or creating these whatever it is that they wanted to create and craft up. And so in this situation, the child begins to feel there's something wrong with them, not because the parent is saying, “What's wrong with you?”, but because they're aware that they're different. 

They're aware that something's wrong, that they don't want to just go so if we don't name it, and we don't help the child understand, “Oh, you are someone who loves to stay home on a Saturday and do your crafts, have time for those things, how do we make sure?” And this is a dialectic dilemma when there's tension between expectations---“What am I going to do on a Saturday?” versus needs. So we really come up with creative ways of synthesizing everybody's needs so that there's a balance between meeting your needs, meeting my needs, and varying that up, being very flexible with how we decide to solve this dilemma. about

8:25  Alletta:  So it's recognizing that that child is not bad. They are just different. They have a different internal world, maybe, than their siblings. 

8:38  Leslie:  Yes, and I really want parents to say that. I really want parents to name that and say, “Yeah, you do like to do something different. And I wonder how it makes you feel when five of us, or three of us, want to go out bike riding; or even I want to go out bike riding, and you don't—you might think you're disappointing me. You might think you're disappointing the family. 

9:04  Alletta:  That also requires the parents to slow down and recognize that what's happening with that child is not that they are not wanting to do sports, but that their world is different, that their interests are different.

9:15  Leslie:  Right. You know, so interesting in my family. The behavior that got my attention was my daughter, Dale, who had the big oppositional behavior, and that got my attention. But what didn't get my attention and what I actually missed: I didn't notice that my son, who liked to have quiet down time, did not exactly fit with a mom who has ADHD and loves doing…has energy, like you said before, energetic. I could go from morning till night. And so because he got along and he was willing to do what I asked him to do, it doesn't mean it was a good fit. 

And that's what I want to say to parents, is: Really open your eyes and look at all of your children, not just the defiant child, not just the child that has big behaviors or big emotions. Look at the one that might be saying yes to everything, to doing everything, and decide if you are actually respecting who they are as a person. I would have given more downtime to Travis if I had been aware of that behavior.

10:18  Alletta:  All behavior is communication, 

10:24  Leslie:  Absolutely 

10:26  Alletta:  And sometimes compliance. In that way, the saying yes is actually communicating that they don't want to disrupt the family, rather than that they actually want to do these things. 

10:34  Leslie:  That’s correct. It may be that they are protecting themselves from feeling uncomfortable, because if they say they want to do something different, they don't want to get you upset. And we actually talked about that in Sarah, part two. So… 

10:49  Alletta:  …keep listening. 

10:51  Leslie:  Yeah, keep listening, because that's going to come up with her second child as well. Yeah, that's right.

10:55  Alletta:  So, what advice do you have for parents? What takeaways do you want them to have about the parent-child fit and how to move forward to work on that fit?

11:07  Leslie:  First, take a moment to really look at…and I'm holding up my two hands because I want you to look at the biology of your child, who they are. What's their emotional sensitivity? What are their needs? What are their likes, wants? Who are they and how do they function in the world? How do they communicate? What are their learning styles? You know, some kids need to be moving while they learn. Other kids need to have incredible quiet. Some kids need to have music on. So really look at the biology of who your child is, and then look at the environment, look at your expectations, look at your own needs and the way you function in the world. 

One quick example of that, just as a diversion, is Dale was very, very literal in her language, and I was very general when I speak—I do not speak with details. So I'd say I'd be back in five minutes, and when I was not home in five minutes, that was a major catastrophe for Dale. And so we do need to be aware of that fit. So number one is, look at the biosocial fit. Look at you being…the environment, the classroom, the parent, the environment, the family, how that fits with who the child is. So that's number one—really write it down. Get a piece of paper out and say: what ways does my child fit into their classroom? In what ways does my child not fit into their classroom? Or what ways does my child fit into working with their teacher? In what ways does it not work? 

My second takeaway would be: identify the differences for your child. Name them, acknowledge those differences without judgment. Not you should be able to do this or that, but rather, you like more quiet, you like your downtime. So validate, validate, validate. That's step two, that's really important, so the child feels seen and understood, because they're going to begin to collaborate when they feel like someone understands them. 

And remember, children go to that place of there must be something wrong with me, even if they don't say it. So many children think that. So go ahead and check in with your child. Check. Ask. “Does it make you feel when we all want to go bike riding, that there's something wrong with you?” Number three, use flexible thinking. And I'm sure if you've been listening to the podcast, I've used the skill of problem solving, where we do a lot of brainstorming, brainstorming all kinds of ideas. 

Be very flexible with how to work with the fit between you and your child, so that you get creative and that sometimes your child is accommodating and learning skills to deal with loud situations, like you can't change an airport—that's overwhelming. You can't change a supermarket—that's overwhelming. But there are things that you can do by giving them a list of three things in the supermarket to pay attention to. So sometimes you're giving your child the skills, and sometimes you're making the accommodation. So use flexible thinking and problem solving. 

And the fourth idea is to balance between when do we need to accept the situation and when can we create change? So just remember to be creative in your solutions. And finally, when you do all of these steps, you are going to be respecting your child and creating the self-esteem, the worthiness, all the things that you want, more than anything, for your child to feel like they can grow up in an environment that is validating and that will provide a really positive mental health environment for them to grow up in. It really makes a difference. So we want to respect, connect, and collaborate with your child.

15:11  Alletta:  All of those tips make so much sense in helping figure out how to work on that fit within a family and to make sure that everyone is getting their needs met.

15:21  Leslie:  Yes, yes, yes, yes, because ultimately, it makes your job as a parent a lot easier when there's a goodness of fit, when that interaction between the child and its environment is being paid attention to. It's really just paying attention to something we don't normally think about.

15:39  Alletta:  Thank you so much for breaking down this skill, Leslie.

15:43  Leslie:  Thank you. I love this conversation. I love taking the time to explore it a little more. It gets me thinking, and hopefully it gives our listeners an opportunity to get the skills in a more concise way when they maybe don't have the time or they want the repetition to reinforce that learning.

16:00  Alletta:  And if you enjoyed this bonus episode, please let us know so that we can decide if we're going to keep doing these throughout the season. We really want to do everything we can to make sure that you, our listeners, have the skills you need on your parenting journey. And you can let us know by contacting us at ismychildamonster.com. Or leaving us a review on Apple podcast or Spotify.

16:21  Leslie Cohen-Rubury:  Yes, we'd love to hear from you. And join us next Tuesday for my second session with Sarah, where we focus on how to be a less controlling parent—that's what she wants to know. So subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also find a full transcript of this episode, or sign up for my newsletter at ismychildamonster.com. The Is My Child A Monster? team is Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and me. Special thanks to Eric Rubury. Our theme music is by L-Ray Music. I'm Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Thanks so much for listening. 

Transcribed by Eric Rubury