Anna Part 2 of 2: When It Feels Like Your Kids Are Growing Up Too Fast And Other Fears

There is so much fear in parenting, it just comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. In this episode, Leslie works with Anna on noticing and naming her fears so that her fears don’t end up making things worse. Anna is homeschooling her three children,  8yr old girl, Sasha 5 yr old Kate and 2 yr old Daniel. And Anna updates us on the changes in the level and intensity of the sibling rivalry since her last session.

5:15 There is a difference between thinking about your childhood and understanding your childhood experiences from the perspective of the child

6:03 Our childhood experiences inform and impact our parenting

8:33 When you play games you follow the rules.  You may also change the rules of your parenting strategies that you can share with your children

12:22 Remember to focus on yourself and regulate yourself - children care more about how their parent is doing. 

12:55 Children are paying attention to the well-being of their parent

14:45 ⅓ of the time of sibling rivalry you make them a unit and set a limit on the fighting   

• Start with “looks like there is a problem here”
• Giving children permission to continue to fight in another location using a paradoxical strategy

22:05 To help with a conflict -

• Validate each child’s perspective.  
• Show understanding
• “Tell me more”
• Listen to their perspective

26:30 Pay attention to how you as a parent felt about your teenage years and its impact on raising your children through their teenage years

28:52 Be one step ahead of your child as they are approaching adolescence

31:50 Parents need to balance the dialectic dilemmas of 

• strictness vs leniency 
• promoting independence vs fostering dependence

32:35 Pre-adolescents are practicing being individuals

35:15 Finding a solution between these dilemmas is called a dialectic synthesis 

• Walking the middle path between “What’s important to her and what’s important to you”

38:20  Adolescence is about a time of letting go and at the same time, our teenagers still need parents strong and present in their lives.

40:25 We need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off course

Leslie-ism: Notice and name your fear, so it doesn't run the show

Resources:  

Parenting Dilemmas Handout in Dialectic Behavior Therapy by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,  Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury.  A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Transcript

[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]

[00:00:00] Anna: It was multiple bells that rang in my brain, but then I took a moment and I went back to them and I explained. I was like, “Okay, maybe I was a little bit over-reactive, but this is where I'm coming from.

[00:00:22] Leslie Cohen-Rubury: There is so much fear in parenting, and it comes with the territory. Fear of kids fighting, fear of kids growing up too fast, fear of kids being influenced by peer pressure and engaging in behaviors that upset you. And when we let our fear influence our parenting, it can take us off course from our parenting goals.

This is, Is My Child A Monster?, a parenting skills podcast where you get to listen in as real parents and caregivers share their trials and tribulations in coaching sessions recorded live. I'm Leslie Cohen-Rubury. And no, your child is not a monster, just misunderstood. 

First, I left you on a cliffhanger about conflict resolution last week, and as often happens in therapy sessions, we didn't actually come back to it. But don't worry, I have an entire episode dedicated to the steps of conflict resolution coming next week. 

This week, Anna is back with her second and final session to talk about sibling rivalry and guiding her kids into teenagerhood. Anna is a stay at home mom who homeschools her three children, eight-year-old Sasha, five-year-old Kate, and two-year-old Daniel.

Last session, we focused a lot on sibling rivalry. And as we ended the session, Anna brought up her own painful sibling rivalry with her brother and how Anna felt like she was on her own since her mother was a single parent who worked full-time. Today we talk about how those relationships impact her parenting and ways to help manage her own reactions so she can better help her children.We also talk about her eight-year-old daughter trying makeup and how much that scares Anna. There's that fear again. 

So now as a reminder, all the names and identifying information have been changed. And though I'm a licensed clinical social worker, this show is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapeutic intervention.

So let’s begin.

[00:02:35] Leslie: Hi Anna. 

[00:02:36] Anna: Hello Leslie. 

[00:02:37] Leslie: Welcome back. And it's been a few weeks, so I know that maybe you've got a lot on your mind. But if you don't mind, I've actually had something on my mind since our last session that I want to bring up. So, we talked a lot about sibling rivalry and you described growing up with your brother, who you are close with now; but he was a judo artist and it sounded like you said, “I had to throw things at him to protect myself.” 

[00:03:12] Anna: Yes. [Laughter]

[00:03:13] Leslie: Do you know I passed right over it? We were talking about other sibling rivalry stuff, and so my focus was somewhere else. But what was on my mind is: Wait a minute. That's scary. That's painful. And of course we bring our childhood experiences into our parenting experiences.

So do you mind if we go back there and would you, maybe, elaborate on the fact that that sounded scary? Was it scary to you as a child?  

[00:03:45] Anna: Yes and no, I guess because we kind of had a tendency, um… if we fight, we fight. But I think, as he started getting older, he started being stronger. And him being two years older than me, of course, he physically became more stronger.

So for me, I think my reaction was—because my mom wasn't around us—there is no one for me to go to and say, “Hey mom, he is doing so and so. Can you help us?” So that was up to me to protect myself. So at some point, what I found…we had this long corridor from the kitchen to our room, and if we sat at a fire or something, I would just run to the kitchen, grab some stool or something, and I would just kind of throw at him to stop him. But I mean, it is not, don't get me wrong, it wasn't as scary as bad. But I think as a kid you just tend to overreact sometimes. And just being explosive and emotional, I think maybe at a time, that was my way to protect myself. I don't know. 

[00:05:06] Leslie: Right. And it's very hard. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable because it's also very hard for me to ask that question now because it's like, I want to ask the 7-year-old, the 9-year-old who was there running away. And that feeling of running away sometimes, even if we're laughing, even if it's fun, even if it's a chase, it can still be scary to that 7-year-old.

I could be outwardly laughing, but inwardly I could be like, I’ve got to throw this, I’ve got to stop this, I’ve got to get away. And I do think it's worth it for us to take a moment, because as a parent today, when you hear your children fighting, you described being very uncomfortable. 

[00:05:59] Anna: Yeah, right. It kind of projects into my childhood.

[00:06:03] Leslie: Yes. And that's my point, which is: we want to remember as parents that our childhood experiences don't disappear. They come with us, they inform and they impact our parenting. So when I said to you, “Hey, just let them work it out and solve their own problems,” at least a third of the time, which is what I said, you might've heard that as, No, I'm going to be there for my child because nobody was there for me. Now that's an extreme statement, but you just said, and I was going to ask you about it, Mom wasn't around, right? I think you told me on intake Mom was a single working parent—is that right? 

[00:06:49] Anna: Yes. But to give you a huge credit after our conversation, I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not, but as soon as we finished, I went to my kids and just kind of one-on-one…I was driving my older one to gymnastics. And I was like, “Sasha, I had a very important conversation today with Ms. Leslie, and this is what we discussed and this is what she advised to me. This is what she suggests. Whenever you fight next time, although I'll be hearing you—I'm around—but I'm not going to jump in right away as I'm used to.”

And she looked at me really quiet and she's paying attention. “I'll tell you why. Because I want you girls to come up to a conclusion and try to figure out for yourself.” She's like, “Okay Mom.” And it's been, I think, a few weeks since we recorded last session, right? I'll tell you, they fought much less. And it wasn't as severe as before, and I haven't jumped in. I did jump in maybe once or twice when they were just super close to me, when they weren't upstairs, they were just in our common area in the living room. So I did jump in a little bit. But I'm like, “Hey, calm down. Let's just, let's just ease it out a little bit.” 

[00:08:20] Leslie: Oh my goodness. That's so exciting to hear that, one, you spoke to them about it. You can't play games if you don't discuss the rules. If you want to sit down and play a game, the first thing you do is go over the rules. And parenting and living life follow some rules. So your previous rules were, I'm going to jump in every time you girls fight to give you attention. And this time you announced: I'm going to change the rules of the game and I'm going to let you girls work it out. And I'm here if you need my help, but I'm not going to be jumping in. And wow, you actually see a difference.

[00:09:00] Anna: It actually works. And I'm a bit more calm this way, as you said, when they fight, what's going to happen? I mean, yes, something bad may happen, but usually it's not as severe yet. They will scream, they would yell at each other, maybe a few scratches, but it's a learning curve for them as well.

[00:09:23] Leslie: Right. And so let me go back to…I'm really excited to hear that you were able to do it because as we're talking about it and bringing in your own childhood—pain and memories and what's lived in your body as scary for a little 7-year-old, 9-year-old or whatever, 5-year-old. So how are you sitting with the discomfort when they are fighting? Is it a cognitive thing, meaning you've changed the way you think about it and you've said they're okay, they can work it out? Or is it a body sensation, where you are breathing mindfully and calming yourself down? Both are really valuable. Did you do one or the other or anything else? 

[00:10:10] Anna: I think both. 

[00:10:12] Leslie: Great.

[00:10:13] Anna: More or less, but both. Because when they fight, I mean, on my mind: Okay. What happened step before, like a minute before? What did they do? Was my younger one tired? Did she have any sweets? Was she overexcited the minute before? Because my older one, the 8-year-old, she's a bit more mature. Right now, to a point, she can reason with the little one. But my 5-year-old, she's like me with my brother when I was little. She is a bit emotional. She tends to overreact sometimes. I see myself in her at this age. So I know where she's coming from. 

And we have this kind of internal observation in our family. If my middle one, the 5-year-old, if she had any sweets, if she's overtired, her behavior starts, kind of gradual, but it explodes. And if we can cut this gradual phase at the beginning, if we can all just give her space, she's not going to explode.

So we are learning, we are learning how she behaves in this way.

[00:11:30] Leslie: Beautiful. That's a great rule of thumb, which is, the snowball when it first starts out as a little snowball can be stopped. But trying to stop a snowball that has grown into a huge mass, it's going to be a lot harder to stop that rolling momentum.

So, emotions are very similar. If we can notice and name what's going on earlier on. And that goes for you as well, when you are feeling some discomfort about what's going on with the kids. To not pay attention. I mean, that's fantastic that you pay attention to: What was she doing before? What are her vulnerabilities like?

You just named all of her vulnerabilities that might've led to this emotional reaction. Also, don't forget yourself as a parent. We are so focused on what's happening with our children, we forget to regulate ourselves. And to be very honest, do you think kids care more about their sibling or their parent?

[00:12:34] Anna: I think parent.

[00:12:36] Leslie: Right. If the parent is struggling, children pick up on that and that's much more uncomfortable for them. So we really do want to remember that we are an important factor. And our children are paying attention to us, even if we don't think they are. And so therefore, learning to regulate our own emotions—because there's a lot going on—is really, really important. 

[00:13:04] Anna: Can I ask you one interesting moment that I am noticing between the two? When they fight, when I'm just observing and this kind of yelling could end up, like, “I hate you. I don't want you to be my sister.” Or some kind of very negative, very harsh words. And I'm trying to explain to them, “When you say a word hate, it's a very strong word. So you might not like her at this moment. You might not like how she behaves at this moment, but hate is a way different meaning.” So this is what I'm trying to come from. 

But at the same time, I understand they're just at the peak of their emotional reaction to this particular situation that they have. And they just throw these words just to kind of make it hurt even more. But I know, deep down, they don't mean that. But it's just hearing that, it hurts me, you know? 

[00:14:09] Leslie: Okay. So. Yes, it's, it's like we need to understand that they are saying things that are hurtful and mean. And we want to teach accurate expression. But sometimes in that moment, it's more about focusing on emotional regulation than the words the child's using. They're both important, I'm not saying one is more important than the other. So you can approach it either way. 

One thing that I might not have gone into too much last time…remember I talked about my one third, one third, one third—which is a made up number. One third of the time, you're letting your children resolve it on their own because they move on and they go on. But one third of the time when I might jump in if I hear really nasty language, I might walk in and say…I wouldn't say, “What are you doing?” and point fingers. I'm going to treat them as a unit and I'm going to say, “Wow, it looks like there's a problem here.” So I've made them a unit to say, “Hey, I think the two of you are having difficulty with each other. It sounds very emotional.” I would just say, “I think you're both in a very emotional state. There sounds like there's a problem.” 

Now I can do one of two things. It's like I have a choice. I can go down the path of sitting down and working out the conflict resolution that we talked a little bit about last time. Or I can just say—because like you said, you jumped in when they were in the same area, the living room, the community space—if they're in the community space, I might say, “If you girls want to continue fighting, I'm going to ask you to go outside and fight. I'm going to ask you to go to your bedroom and fight. This is community space. You can stay here and work out getting along and be more accurate in how you ask for what you want, or you can continue fighting upstairs—your choice.”

So in that regard, I'm not jumping in to solve any problem, but I'm setting a limit that basically what I hear going on is not working for me. And so I send a message that you can go to your room and you can continue fighting this way. Or most of the time, because the way my house is set up, there was a door right to the outside, I'd say, you are welcome to go outside and continue your fighting.

[00:16:31] Anna: That’s sweet.

[00:16:33] Leslie: And so my kids would look at me and go. Well, why are we going to go outside and fight? Of course they don't want to go outside and fight. But I gave them the choice of, “You can go outside and fight, or you can stay here and and speak more accurately to each other, more effectively to each other, and get along so that it's fair for all of us in this space.” I am demanding a certain level of interaction if they stay there. But I'm giving them a choice. And so it's sort of a little bit of a paradox—and I love the paradox—that you can go outside, continue fighting or stay here and work it out. 

[00:17:13] Anna: I think it may puzzle them in the moment—while they are thinking they may just forget: “What are we fighting for?” [Laughter] “Well, let's just move on.” 

[00:17:22] Leslie: Now you've named the trick to it because the paradox or that idea of snapping them out of it—it's sort of a little bit irreverent—that snapped them out of it. “Wait a minute, I was just in emotion mind, screaming at you. Now Mom tells us we can go outside and fight…?” And that gets them from their emotion mind to their wise mind, where they can go on and get along or move on to the next activity.

[00:17:45] Anna: That's brilliant. Yeah, I'll definitely want to try that. 

[00:17:48] Leslie: Okay, that's great. Did you try any conflict resolution, where you tried to get them to hear the other person's perspective? 

[00:18:00] Anna: Yes. I'm not sure if I conducted it well, but I did try. What happened is, this may due to another question when I'm kind of in the moment with them. When I'm trying in a calm situation, when I ask them, for example, they fought in the morning and then in the evening when they are calm, we can discuss that. So we had the situation in the morning. They fought over a glue stick. There was one glue stick, the other one ran out and they were making some artwork and for some reason, they couldn't share it and it escalated. So basically it was a fight. 

Later at night, I told them, “So the glue stick wasn't a main reason why you snapped at your sister. So probably there was something before that or something that you're holding in yourself that caused you to snap that way because it was just a glue stick. It was just a matter of waiting a little bit while she finished and then she would pass it on to you. But for some reason you just snapped at her.” So, and they started to exchange. “Well, I don't like how…” my 8-year-old, Sasha, she's saying, “She always wants to do what I'm doing and I don't like that. She's bothering me this way.” Before that she thought that she was copoying her and she just got tired of it. Which my 5-year-old Kate, at this stage she sees her sister as an example. She's trying to be like her, but she doesn't know how to approach that in a way that her sister will accept. And if she's not getting what she wants, she snaps as well.

So I have two very strong little women in my house that don't know how to communicate that well, but if something doesn't go their way, they snap. And then when I'm trying to reason with them, they escalate. “No, I don't want her to do this.!” “No. I don't want…” It's a very aggressive kind of, “No, I'm sitting there!” What do I say next? 

[00:20:37] Leslie: I get why it's a little overwhelming, because there's a lot coming at you as the parent. You've got each of their own emotions and a lot of layers. Like you said, it's the glue stick. It's the-copying-me-all-the-time. It's the wanting-to-be-like-the-other-sister. There's a lot of different things, right? So I love your insight. I love the way that you think about what came before the behavior—are there vulnerabilities of being tired, hungry, whatever else?

And then what are the other issues, because—all of us, it's not just your kids. I know myself included—we're not always accurate in our expression. We don't always say what we mean. That's a very advanced skill. I love that you're trying to teach your children, “Hey, the glue stick got you to realize you're frustrated. What else are you frustrated about?” And then she opens up and talks about her sister copying her. That's really wonderful. So the glue stick still has its value and there's probably other things going on at the same time. 

So getting back to your girls, here's what I'd like to help you with. Slow it down and if necessary, I don't know that you need to do it separately, but it's okay to do it separately until they feel more validated and heard and they can do it together. So you might just say, “Wow, it sounds like you were really upset when your sister took your glue stick.” 

[00:22:15] Anna: Mm-hmm. 

[00:22:16] Leslie: Just say that and then put a period. Then she says, “Yeah, well, she took my glue stick, but she also copies everything I do.” If you give her a little space, she might elaborate. Then let's say she says, “And then she always copies me on everything I do.” And then you don't need to teach anything. Just again, validate the words. Show some understanding. “Is that annoying, as a big sister, to have your little sister copy you all the time?” And she'll go, “Yes.” Maybe she'll be quiet or maybe you can say, “Can you tell me more? I'm curious to know more about why that's so annoying to you.” 

And when we are validating someone and trying to understand what's going on with them, we're not condoning it, we're not saying, “Your sister is a pain in the neck and I don't blame you and I can't stand her.” It's none of that. We're not condoning anything. All we're doing is listening and understanding how someone's feeling. So this validation is extremely important and it begins to help her make sense of what's going on.

[00:23:26] Anna: Mm-hmm. But does the other one have to be in the room, or is it one-on-one? 

[00:23:33] Leslie: Maybe to begin with one-on-one might help you so that you are not so overwhelmed. And it helps them feel like they're being heard without having to fight with their sister because their sister's present. After doing that enough times and they understand that they're going to be heard, then I would do it together. 

[00:23:53] Anna: Mm-hmm. Because I think when I tried to do that, it ended up puzzling me because they starting to go against each other. And instead of me trying to resolve the issue, I kind of escalated the conflict a little bit again. And I'm like, “Okay, time to sleep. Nine o'clock, go to bed.” [Laughter] 

[00:24:12] Leslie: And you know what? If that ever happens, I have no problem as a parent saying, “Time out. I got totally lost. I thought I was going to help you two understand each other, but that was a little confusing. Let's drop it. We'll try it again next time. We attempted it—give yourself credit for attempting it. You did attempt to do the validation. You did attempt to get them to hear each other. It's not easy. And it's really okay to go back and back and back and practice over and over and over. That's really terrific. So, really pat yourself on the back for trying it, for having sort of a goal to try to get there and just keep practicing with them.

[Music: Acoustic Motivation by Coma-Media]

[00:25:11] Anna: What would you recommend for me, when my older one, gets to her preteen years, where a lot of parents are having trouble to understand a child evolving this new preteen/teen/young adult, and still having younger ones around. Because they’re about three years apart—three kids three years apart from each other.

So my 8-year-old, when she starts to go to 9, 10…and her classmates, they already have different talks. They want to try cosmetics for example. The other day she's like, “Mama, can I have lipstick?” And I'm like, “You are still, like, in third grade.”And I'm like, Uh oh, is it coming so soon? I'm not ready for it. [Laughter] 

[00:26:07] Leslie: It can be scary. It's like, Wait a minute. I thought I had another five years or another two years. So right there I'm picking up on…again, I want to balance where she is and her need for independence and all that—which I'm going to answer and address because you just asked about it. But I don't want to skip how you feel. I want you to pay attention and because I skipped it last time in the session: What was it like for you as a teen? What was it like for you as a preteen? How was your mother involved or not involved? 

I really want you to think about: What's going to be challenging for me? Is it going to be letting my child be independent? Is it going to be, I want to be there for her because my mother wasn't there for me And it was scary going out in the big world and having to be independent, or the opposite? So I want you to think about your own…just to have some awareness. Is my childhood, are my teenage years impacting me? Because you do sound nervous about it already. 

[00:27:14] Anna: I'm nervous because I had to figure it out on my own pretty much. But since I'm with my kids,  I want to kind of guide them a little bit if they need my help. But at this day and age, I would like them to have my help, rather than figure out on their own. 

[00:27:34] Leslie: Yes. 

[00:27:35] Anna: And the reason why I'm…I don't want to say it's nervous, it’s just I'm in an unknown position, how to present certain topics, how to transition my, my…See my older girl as a girl, not as a baby anymore. And transition them into teenage years. This, I guess this is where I'm in.  

[00:28:02] Leslie: It is a struggle, I would say a very common parenting challenge. One, to see your child growing up and letting go at every process; right from the very beginning, from cutting the cord to letting them be independent and running up and down stairs.

And each stage has its new challenges, you know: small children, small problems, big children, big problems. It's sort of true that it gets even harder. So I think it's fair for you to be going, Whoa. It's a little nerve-wracking to think about my daughter being this young teenager and what comes with that.

So again, check in with yourself. Think about what it's like for you, and then you want to be a little bit of one step ahead. One step ahead of your child so that, as she's getting into the pre-teen years and puberty, you want to just watch for changes and observe those changes. Name those changes.

[00:29:07] Anna: Some of the things like cosmetics, for example. So, we had cousins for Christmas and her cousin—she's in fifth grade, so she's 10—and she came with little  pouch and she had some lipstick. And I caught them putting makeup on a Sunday at home. And we haven't had any arrangements. They were just at home. 

And I'll tell you, I mean, this is my confession. I freaked out a little bit. And I was like, “What are you doing?” But I guess, I mean, I processed it later. That was my reaction first, before I could process it. I think I went to emotional stage because to me it's unacceptable to do cosmetics at such a young age. I don't think it's necessary. I mean, I don't see a point to have it on a Sunday when you are 10 or 8-year-old. Just for yourself, right? And besides, I'm more cautious on the health side of product lines. I always read labels and having her cousin bring in the cosmetics, I have no idea what type of cosmetics. I don't want to ruin my daughter's skin or anything like that. So to me it was multiple bells that rang in my brain before Itook a breath and reasoned with myself. I'm like, Okay, maybe it's nothing too scary. 

But after I did that, they stopped putting on cosmetics. They kind of went a little bit upset, but then I took a moment and then I went back to them and I explained. I was like, “Okay, maybe I was a little bit over-reactive, but this is where I’m coming from. First of all, you always have to know what you’re putting on your face because this, I mean this is your… 

[00:30:59] Leslie: I’m going to interrupt you right there. I'm going to interrupt you as if I was your child. Right now I'm feeling like life is scary. “You mean, Mom, if I put lipstick on my face, I might die?” I know you're not doing that, but we do want to remember that our fears as parents do rub off and have an impact on our children. You saw that your fear of their fighting was going to cause damage to them. It was actually making it worse. Your fear was making it worse because you jumped in and jumped in.

You have every right to set any limits and say, “Okay, no makeup until you're 12 years old; no makeup till you are 15 years old. But just remember: we are balancing. We are balancing, as a parent, my strictness and my leniency; and letting them be independent and making them be dependent. It's like treating them as a young child or treating them more maturely and independently.

As parents, we have to look at that balance. And we don't want to really live in one extreme or the other, because usually that's where it backfires. It really doesn't work. So if I'm too strict with makeup, or too strict with how she's appearing…Children putting on makeup, coloring their hair, wearing certain clothes, is a sign of independence and it is a sign of individuality. And children becoming pre-adolescent and adolescent, that's what they're practicing.

They are practicing, “Can I be an individual? Do you see me as an individual?” Because when we don't allow them to express some individuality, we're asking them to be like everybody else, and we don't want them to be like all their peers. We want them to feel confident as an individual. 

Believe me, when you said earlier, it's overwhelming or confusing, I don't blame you. I'm still confused about those teenage years. Those teenage years are: Which way do I go? But it's a good question to ask. Do I want to give in here? Do I not? I love that you realized by their reaction, maybe you overreacted a little bit. You saw your reaction, you got really nervous, your fears kicked in, and you went back to them and said, “Maybe I overreacted a little bit.” What I want you to do is invite them into: “Explain to me this makeup. What do you know about it?” 

[00:33:41] Anna: Actually, what I did when her cousin left, we sat down and I told her once again. I was like, “Hey, I don't want you to think…” I understood that point. I don't want to cause fear. So we went one-on-one and I was like, “I understand some of you girls already started to put on makeup. My only thing is: can we just buy something nice? We don't have to have multiple things at once. We can get them gradually. What do you want to start with?” “Lipstick.” “Okay, lipstick. Let's go in, let's research, let's buy a good lipstick—one, but good.”

And I'm trying to kind of reason with her so she can learn how to pick good stuff instead of buying, like, five cheaper ones. One good one. And I know I'll be okay with the ingredients in it. “And the only thing that I'm asking you, if you go to school, if your classmates are not putting on lipstick, don't put on lipstick yet. You can put on lipstick just a little bit.” So we did buy her lipstick. She has her lipstick. I'm okay with it. She can use it and she's not overly using it, so she's good with it. 

[00:34:57] Leslie: Beautiful. So what you are doing is…again, I was talking about these dilemmas, this tension between strictness and giving in or leniency; and dependency and independence—all of these ideas that we're dealing with as parents. And when we're trying to find a solution. What's the best way to go forward? We talk about a middle path and we talk about a synthesis. And what you did was…She has a need to fit in, she has a need to wear lipstick and feel independent or feel like an individual.

And at the same time, you want to support a healthy choice and make sure you're not wearing it all the time and too much and all that. So you are creating a synthesis by having that discussion with her. That's fantastic. You're creating a synthesis by saying, What's important to her? What's important to you.? Let's see if we can work it out. 

And sometimes working it out is 50/50 and sometimes it's 90/10. Maybe you said, you know, um, we'll get you the lipstick. We'll buy a healthy one, we'll buy one. And you can wear your lipstick when you are socializing with your friend on a Saturday, or after school. And you might say, “No wearing lipstick to school right now.” Or you may not do that. So there's so many solutions, but the idea that you're trying to respect some of her needs and some of your needs, that's what a dialectic synthesis is. 

[00:36:31] Anna: I guess I have to be more prepared to, um, questions like that. It's just my personal thing. I have to get prepared. Get ready. Not overreact.

[00:36:44] Leslie: And you know what I'm going to suggest? Because the reaction is natural. Parents have fear, and so your fears are totally understandable. And at the same time, we want to be responsible for our reactions and we want to make sure our fears are not dictating our parenting strategies.

So pause. And stop. And there is nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, before I react, I'm going to take a moment to take a breath. Give me a moment. I want to figure out how I want to respond to this moment of watching you girls put on makeup. Give me a moment. Let me think about it. Let me take a breath.”

There's nothing wrong. You are modeling for your child that you're not going to be reactive and that you're going to take a breath and then get yourself into a wise mind state so you can respond to the situation more thoughtfully. More mindfully. 

[00:37:40] Anna: Yes. I'll try. [Laughter]

[00:37:41] Leslie:. So going forward—and this is what's tricky—going forward, it's okay to notice a big reaction. Just stop and take a moment for yourself to say, What are my fears? What are my fears of her being an independent adolescent teenager? What am I afraid of? Do I just think I'm not prepared? What do I need to be prepared for? So spend some time, maybe journal, just get some ideas down about, What is it that's scaring me?

And it may be: I want to be there for her. So we want to make sure you don't overcompensate. Don't try to do too much. Adolescence is about a time of letting go a little bit. And at the same time, I really believe our teenagers still need us strong and present in their lives. So it is a dance of giving them space, giving them some leeway,and independence and individuality and at the same time making sure I am present as a parent with my eyes wide open, and I'm not just saying, “Okay, take off.” So just check in with yourself. It's coming down the road. It's not here yet, but it's coming slowly but surely. Sometimes it feels, when we hit puberty it’s like, Whoa, the light switch just went on. And now I have a teenager that is talking back and all these other things. 

[00:39:16] Anna: I hope it's going to be a few years. I don't want it to be too soon.

[00:39:20] Leslie: Right. Well, I love the work that you're doing. I can see that you're taking in what we're talking about. You're trying new things.

Be gentle with yourself. Same thing with skills—when we're teaching skills to our children, they're not going to get it right away. And the same thing for you. You are going to practice this. When you're doing the conflict resolution and the empathy and the validation, that's going to take time to get good. So just keep giving yourself the room to make mistakes and to keep practicing.  

[00:39:20]  Anna: Thank you. Thank you so much, Leslie.

[Music: Dreams in Nature by Olexy]

[00:40:06] Leslie Cohen-Rubury: So, I started this episode by saying that fear is just a normal part of parenting. But what do we do so that it doesn't throw us off course? When fear shows up, I recommend that you pick it up, take a look at it and put it to the side. Yes, we need to acknowledge our fear, but we don't want it to be in front of us, blinding us and possibly taking us off course. 

The idea is to unpack the fear, because it may be coming from your childhood, it may be a concern about your child, it may be a reflection of being overwhelmed or feeling incompetent. So there's one thing that you can ask yourself so that you can check in with your fear when it shows up.

You might ask yourself, is this fear grounded in the reality of the moment, meaning, is there actual danger? Is there something happening? Check the facts. Or is the fear related to a reaction of something going on inside, some internal emotional turmoil? Or maybe it's related to some past experience. So take a moment to ask yourself some questions when fear shows up.

I want to thank Anna for showing up and sharing her fears with us and knowing that she wanted to do something different. Another thing that showed up in this episode was being able to balance the dilemmas in parenting. We have these things called dialectic dilemmas from Dialectic Behavior Therapy, and it's balancing the ways that we get pulled.

[Music: The Wilds Beyond by L-Ray Music]

One example is when we want to give our children independence, or when I want to foster and support them in independence. So there's that pull: Do I protect them? Do I allow them to be dependent on me? Or do I push them and help them get independent? These are struggles that parents have, and they're often involved with your fears and your past experiences and your own ways of wanting to be a parent.

So look at that polarity. Another polarity may be between being lenient and being permissive in your parenting, or being excessively authoritarian or controlling. Those are two polarities and another one of those parenting dilemmas that we described. Again, we want to walk the middle path and we want to find a way where we have our sense of authority and we know how to respect and listen to our children and allow them to have a say and allow them to have a voice.

And this week, practice identifying your fear. Remember to notice and name it so fear doesn't run the show. 

Join us next week when we return to the unfinished business of teaching you the rest of the steps of conflict resolution. My daughter Dale will join me to discuss the steps of conflict resolution and how it played out in her childhood.

You can subscribe to Is My Child A Monster? wherever you get your podcast. And if you feel so inclined, please rate and review to help spread the word. You can also find a full transcript of this episode or sign up for my newsletter at ismychildamonster.com. The Is My Child A Monster? team is Alletta Cooper, Camilla Salazar, and me. Special thanks to Eric Rubury. Our theme music is by L-Ray Music. I'm Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Thanks so much for joining me.