Positive Parenting for Challenging Teens

San Bernardino County Sheriff joins the discussion that addresses it all. From teen drug use, runaways, the effects of social media, and so much more. Check out this episode to learn how the sheriff’s department offers support for the most challenging behaviors.  

https://wp.sbcounty.gov/sheriff/

Music by DayFox from Pixabay - Salangseuleoun

Transcript

Cecilia  00:05

Hello, everyone, and thank you so much for joining us for another episode of Parenting with Passion. Again, I am Cecilia Holguin your host. And today we're gonna dive into understanding our children and addressing some behavioral concerns that we may see, we're going to understand the difference between what is a strong willed child versus a compliant child. And as parents, we know that we are the most powerful influences in our children's lives, children really do live up to our expectations. And with that being said, it's important to know that as parents, we don't control our children. In fact, we control very little. And if we did control our children, right, there would be never a high school dropout, there would be no drug use or any behavioral concerns. So the only thing that we can really control is ourselves as parents our actions, right. And so with that being said, we can teach, we can guide and we can motivate our children and teens. But what does a parent do when this becomes increasingly difficult in today's societ? I'm so glad to introduce our guest today, who can share some insight in guiding parents in addressing problematic behaviors and emotional behaviors. Please welcome deputy Tom Mabry and or Erlinda Rogers, Crime Prevention Coordinator for San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Tom  01:33

Thanks for having us. 

Erlinda  01:33

Thanks for having us. We're happy to be here.

Cecilia  01:36

So I'm going to dive right in and start with somewhat of an easy questions for you. How does a parent respond to their student who may be yelling at them or speaking to them disrespectfully? What's the best way for a parent to respond to this type of behavior, when it starts? 

Erlinda  01:55

I'll start. I think, in those situations that are clearly heated, you you can't meet your student or your child with that same level, you have to be that you have to be calm, and you've no matter how heated the subject is, no matter how intense that conversation might feel, it's really important to take a deep breath and try to be that voice of reason to your child or to the student and talk to them about, I mean, it sounds cliche, but maybe talking to them about their feelings and try to get what where it's all coming from and where all this anger is coming from. Because if you, if I just yell at my daughter right back and meet her at that, meet her with that same level of intensity, it where it's going to solve nothing. And we're going to end up in just an even worse conversation. So I think it's really important to try to maintain your composure and you know, vent to someone about it later. But when it comes to your child, or your student is just trying to be that voice of reason and listening to them, maybe asking those open ended questions, as far as letting them explain where I'll hopefully get to where they're, where it's all coming from.

Tom  03:11

Just just being the calm and the conversation is what, what helps a lot, and sometimes just changing your tone, like, you know, never, never yelling back at your at your kid. But I've always always found it kind of, in those heated discussions, if you you lower your voice and get them to actually like, start listening because they can't hear you over their own yelling, and taking taking the pause a, you know, this is really out of your character. I don't know why you're yelling at me like this, I want to have this conversation with you. But you're a young adult, I want to treat you like a young adult, we often forget that our kids are people too, you know, and just just just embracing that pause. And yeah, a just just go to your room. And let's talk about this later.

Cecilia  03:51

That's such a good point of taking that timeout. Because even as adults, we can get frustrated, we can get angry. And it's so important. If you feel yourself getting to that level, we definitely don't want to match that energy with the the child or the teen. I think that's such a good point to have that timeout and say, You know what, you're frustrated, I'm frustrated. Let's take a timeout. Let's pause this conversation and revisit this. Because you know, once once the parent starts yelling, I feel like the the student isn't even listening anymore. Right now they're really more off of emotion, and how that makes them feel. And I think another good point, too, is acknowledging their feelings. And I think you really hit on that. Tom, when you said, you know, letting them know, Hey, I see that you're angry right now. You know, you're acknowledging that and I think that's so powerful for them, because then they know you really do understand what they're maybe feeling in that moment. Right? And then they can express maybe why they feel so angry. You know, was it something that you said maybe you're not understanding what they're feeling in the moment because we know adolescents are gonna really run through their emotions. Right, their emotions are high all the time. And that's what their energy runs off of. And so I loved that you guys were both on the same page of don't match that energy. That's great advice. Thank you. What does a parent do, though? If their student starts to threaten to run away, this is a tough one.

Erlinda  05:22

Yeah, we actually were talking about that in the car before we game in here. And like, we again, we will have similar perspective. But I think, for me, if my child were to say that I am big on just having like, like, walk me through that, like, where are you gonna go? Okay, like, I'm so sorry, that you that I'm, I'm not meeting your needs that you have to run away or just saying something to try to not manipulate them. But just to let them to put in perspective what they're saying, Well, where are you gonna go? How much money do you have? Can you just let me know where you plan on staying? So I can I know where to find you. Not that I'm hoping that they actually leave. But just don't give me your plan. And then it lets them kind of think the process through and think oh, maybe that's not a good idea. Is it? 10 o'clock at night right now? Like, Hey, make sure if you leave, do you want me to drive you to somewhere because I don't want you to walk past that creepy guy that's always on this corner, or just putting things in perspective, because I'm big on will tell me your plan. And then I think, as they start to tell me, whatever it may be, hopefully we can solve something before it gets to my child actually leaving the house. And, Tom, you can go ahead and

Tom  06:34

yeah, these conversations happen. It just depends on the age group. I mean, a lot of these are dealing with young young children, you know, maybe maybe they they'll get it or they won't, but just starting asking those open ended questions. Where are you going to eat? Where are you going to sleep? Or are you going to stay? And then explaining like, because you have a nice house here, your bed super comfortable, you have food here, you know, clothing, like when are you going to change your clothes. And then it's just like, I always relate back to one of our community members talking about how they ran away, and it was just a quick walk around the block. And then they realized they had nowhere to go and came back home. But when you start getting into like the teenage years, where you're like, I didn't know, okay, you're not going to be taking the car. So what are you going to be doing the cars underneath my name, I pay for the insurance, are you going to a friend's house explaining what some of those dangers are out there, you know, showing them around the area of like, what homelessness actually looks like, if they're planning on running around, and they don't really have a plan, just kind of, I'm a very like to show the education of what what some of those those actions can happen explaining, you know, the dangers of human trafficking, gang violence, drugs, all of that if they don't have an actual plan in that parents explaining that they're still responsible for them. So the whole legal process of emancipation and whatnot, it's complicated. So it's always education tends to prevent people from from leaving home and realizing how well they do have it with their parents.

Cecilia  08:06

And that's a good point too, because they're really not thinking all of that through right, their frontal lobe is not completely developed until they're about 2526 years old. So that's the portion of their brain where they think of their reasoning. Why right? Is it a good? Is it good or bad for me to do XYZ? That part of the brain just isn't developed yet. So I love giving them that education. Now, if a student were to walk out the door, right, you got into maybe an argument with your child and the student leaves? What is the parents next step? Do they call the police? Do they follow them? What should a parent do?

Tom  08:45

I think it really has to do with the student each is going to be a little bit different or your child's going to be a little bit different. If they really think they're running away then reporting that crime or it's not a crime reporting that incident to to law enforcement, so we can actually do our job make sure that we don't have a runaway juvenile that that's that's gone, gone somewhere. We don't want anything bad to happen to kids. But if it is going to be like that, you know, they're walking around the block and they have their cell phone with them and you're tracking them through my friends and family app or something along those lines, you know, where they're going to be going like contacting that, you know, keeping keeping a far far eye on it or or just, you know, a take take a moment and wait outside before you actually before you walk away. You know, let's let's really think about these, you know, what you're going to be doing and where you're going to be going so.

Cecilia  09:37

Right. And how would you explain how social media affects our students?

Tom  09:45

This this is social media is

Erlinda  09:50

It's a huge rabbit hole. I think something for again, we do presentations on this all over the county for parents and administrators, just different community members. And social media is what we don't realize as an adult, the older millennial generation, just all of the adults right now in the adult world are the parents, we don't know what it is to be none of them, we're living in a time a very unique time that no one knows what it's like to be a kid right now. It's not the same as when you and I were kids, our parents, for the most part, they knew exactly what we were doing what what our little game was, or whatever it was, we're now social media is such a huge influence in our kids lives. I mean, I think they spend most kids I can't forget, I don't know what the exact statistics are. But they're spending 9 to 12 hours on entertainment, entertainment media per day, with electronic devices. And that's not even their homework or anything like that. So depending on what their algorithm is, depending on if you're not proactively going through your child's device and playing the games that they're playing, or just seeing who they're interacting with, then you are not going to know who's influencing them. And that's why I'm huge, with huge, huge. A big part of my job is telling, talking to parents and explaining how important it is to talk to your kids. Because if you don't talk to your children, then there's someone else in the world that's going to speak to them. And something really big and unique about this time we're living in is that right? Now we have access to the world, we can access a billion people from our phone and access anything we want, which is amazing. But on the flip side of it, that means that the world has access to our children, I might be in the kitchen doing dishes, and my daughter is sitting in the living room. What I think maybe doing her homework, or, again, if I don't know enough, I'm not on her phone actively talking to her about what type of content she's going through. Who knows who's talking to her? So I'll let you add your

Tom  11:59

Oh, yeah, no, yeah, I mean, you definitely touched on it. She said, if you're if you're not investing into your child's life, someone else is going to start investing into him. So like social media has become a huge platform for human trafficking. It's been a huge platform for children, having the available availability to go to narcotics and drugs, and it's it's complete strangers is no one that they know just meeting them in shopping centers, you know, in front of schools, it just, if you're not aware of what's going on with your child on social media, and just who's talking to your kids, and you know, what are your children's interest in, it's an opportunity to spend time with them, especially when it comes to because it's not just social media, but online video gaming, where it's like you're you have that direct to direct chat or a direct messaging, or they're trying to convince you to switch over to another messaging. And it just puts our our children in a very scary situation where it's just like, they're not talking to just their friends at school anymore. Now they're talking to strangers from all over the US and even outside of the US is what we've seen.

Erlinda  13:11

That's something big that Tom mentioned right now that if they have, if you see that your child is switching platforms, or if they're chatting through any, whether it's social media gaming, but they're having a conversation, direct messages, whatever. And you see that the other person, the person, on the other end of that conversation, has them switch to a different platform, to chat with them. That is a big red flag. And I encourage all parents to engage, like, make sure they are monitoring who that person is, because that's something that predators do all the time. And that's one of the huge red flags. They want to have the kids that they're communicating with switch platforms.

Cecilia  13:51

That's right. That's right. And if you know, a teenager does have tic toc, you know, it's it's good to get their phone and go through it, you know, go through their Instagram go through their Facebook. And really, you have to be so smart about it. Because these kids are so smart, right? They have I've heard of kids having different accounts, like here's the account, I show my mom. But here's the account, I'm actually using Insta, yeah.

Erlinda  14:16

Fake Instagram. Yeah, that just I just had a friend. It just happened to a friend of mine. And, again, I'm always talking about this type of stuff with my friends and family. And she reached out about a week or two ago, saying that her daughter had a Fensta basically. And it was you know, it was a nightmare for her going through it. But thankfully, she walked her through it and but again, that's yeah, it's just something that again, if you try to, there's so many parents who are nope, no social media, my daughter is not or my son and daughter is not going to have social media and, you know, do whatever you think is best. But I do want to just remind everyone that I mean I have social media. So Oh, how am I gonna tell my daughter? Nope, you can't have it. You're not allowed to have it. But am I practicing what I'm preaching. And this day and age, it's so normalized, it is normalized. I'm sure all of us in here probably has some form of social media. I mean, we always encourage people to follow our social media standard, do County Sheriff's Department. But it's really important to just let parents to remind parents of how hard it is to be a kid and to fit in and if every single person in their friend group has it. It's my, I mean, not my opinion, but just I think it'd be better practice to give them the tools to have social media and beyond online gaming, safe or do it in a safe manner. Yeah. Yeah, give them the tools so that way they can, you know, navigate this digital world, basically. Yeah.

Tom  15:46

But, but establishing those boundaries at a young age, or even just creating them now, if we're talking to parents with older students is just like, hey, no electronics left in the bedroom, hey, I collect their phones, tablets, all that at the end of the night. So that way, they're getting that good night's sleep, but, you know, no, no electronics in your bedroom, like whatever you're doing, like I'd like to see, see, you know, your phone creating that that boundary of like, Hey, I'm giving you this cell phone, like it belongs to their parents, like, as far as I know, like, it's not a it's not a right. It's a privilege. So it's just like, having that boundary to be like, hey, whenever I'd like to look through your phone, so if you're not okay with that, then we're not going to have a cell phone with you. There's also a lot of smart features and software where you can put on on their phone, where it just like it triggers words in certain phrases where it can actually notify the parents. So if they're looking for something that's inappropriate to their parents standards, they'll know about it. So that way it can they can either start having those conversations of like, is this just something out of curiosity? Or is this turning into a bigger issue that we might need to address somewhere or somewhere else? 

Cecilia  16:57

That's right, I know there's a calculator app where it looks like a calculator, you put in a code and you swipe it. And the next thing you know, you're in a chat room. Right? That's such a dangerous app, right? It's called the calculator. Yeah, you know, and you can function as a calculator tuner. But once you put that code in, it changes to a completely different app, you know, our predators are using those things. It's horrible. And then another point, too, is the emojis, you may not understand exactly what your student is saying, because you're using emojis, that's a red flag as well. And I encourage parents to look online, because there's so much out there that we don't know about, you know, our children could be talking about, you know, scoring drugs, they're curious, their friends are doing it, maybe that's something that they're, you know, interested in trying. And so keeping on top of that is so important. And I know there's so much going out there right now, especially with fentanyl, what do you guys see with our youth and drug use?

Tom  17:55

So when it comes to fentanyl, I mean it is something that it's become more popular just because of how cheap it is to make in and then it just kind of kind of flooding it a lot of a lot of big issues that we have with fentanyl is it looks like a prescription medication. But I'd say close to 100% of them that we've pulled off the streets for all different crimes, not not just youth is been fake fake fentanyl. That's that's made. And the biggest issue with it is there's no quality control on it. So it doesn't from your first time taking it you can overdose because there's no hey, this is the correct dosage and calculation because big manufacturers have that dosage and calculation making it okay for you know, a normal person to take the ones that are being manufactured outside of the country and pulled in here are like it's there's no quality control. So you could take it for your first time and overdose and it's it's coming in something that looks looks like normal, and they're putting it in different pill forms is what we're seeing it a little bit,

Cecilia  19:00

Yeah, it's in powder now. And then we hear it in weed. So you know, kids who are experimenting with just marijuana are being exposed and dying from fentanyl poisioning.

Erlinda  19:11

places. Yeah, absolutely. And I think the scariest part for me is that so say there's a child or a student who tries something, some type of drug one time, and then they're fine. And then they try it again. And that time they were fine. But then what if that next time, it's a constant game of Roulette because of the amount of fentanyl that's in our communities that's in our streets. So I could take a pill that could potentially have enough to have all four of us, three of us in this room overdose. And that's what's scary, or more than enough for us to overdose. But it's just again, I just like to emphasize it's a game of Roulette at this point, and we really have to talk to our kids about again, it sounds cliche, but don't do drugs. It's it's not a matter of it. If any more, it's a matter of when a person, young adults as well, anyone who's experimenting with drugs, as far as you know, you're risking the chance of overdosing,

Tom  20:10

even with marijuana to if they talk about how it's you know, the all natural is like the excuses that we hear on the screen. Oh, no, it's you know, it's all natural. The thing is the pesticides that they're using on a aren't even aren't legal in United States and even a lot of countries so these pesticides are actually making it into this marijuana where it just it's not safer for anyone to be taking, but especially our young people that are going through the whole growth and development their brains are developing their bodies are so having, having lung problems having focusing issues. It's it's not just the drug anymore, it's all the things that are going into cultivating this this product too. And we're seeing with some of the testing that's being done through outside sources, that even some of our dispensaries are starting to get that from illegal products that are making it way making its way onto their shelves. So yeah, a scary time to be experimenting with anything. And then all the vape products that are coming out it it's so potent to it's not it's not a natural, I'd say there's a natural high. If there is such a thing it there's so much of THC in our young people should not be taking this.

Erlinda  21:32

I think people Oh, sorry. Well, I think people, you know, when especially when it comes to marijuana, they think oh, it's a natural type. It's it comes from the earth. But you know, back in the 60s, marijuana, it was really rare to have it exceed, like 5% thc. And I think now, I mean, that's our mildest stream is going to have probably like 10 to 20%. So that's a huge and that's again, I encourage parents to look this up. And, you know, if they find if their student or if their child is experimenting with experimenting with marijuana, just look this information up yourselves and educate yourself to see that this isn't the same, you know, hippie weed, for lack of better terms that you know, was around in the 60s. It's extremely potent.

Cecilia  22:21

Right, right. And like we mentioned earlier, now it can be laced with so many other things like fentanyl. And so I actually encourage parents to get your hands on Narcan. Narcan is a nasal spray that can help a student or anybody really, if they are experiencing an overdose. And sometimes you have to use up to four doses. So you give them a quick spray in the nose, and that can save a life. And so how parents can get their hands on that is now pharmacies have this so you can walk up to your local pharmacy, and ask them how you can get some Narcan. And I do encourage all families just to have some on hand because you never know whether it's your student or your students friend, or you know, a neighbor, even, it's just such a good resource to have, and it can potentially save a life.

Tom  23:13

It's something that's issued to all of our officers right now is we all have Narcan. So

Cecilia  23:18

yes, it's the issue to our issue to our teachers now. You know, our classrooms have Narcan available. Because this is such a dangerous time with fentanyl. So it's very important. What should a parent do if they start recognizing their students? You know, experimenting a little bit? How do you start that conversation as a parent?

Tom  23:40

I'd say treating them like the young adults that they are, they're starting to experiment with that. It's just like, start asking them open ended questions. I mean, that's that's one of the biggest things with almost everything that we talked about. It's not a yes or no questions because that you'll get short answers, sort of asking you like, Hey, can you tell me what you know about narcotics? And then just see what they have to say and maybe maybe you're you're about to get an education yourself as a parent and then you're gonna have to hop on the internet and look up some stuff too. But at least you're starting to know their baseline on Hey, know, what do you see going on in school? Like what do you do you know, anyone that that does this like taking a vested interest in to your students and or your children and just trying to figure out what what they know and then if there's something that you need to elaborate on, it's just like, Do you have any questions about that? You know, you want to want to explain what some of this is and why it's bad. Bad to do this in different ways not not just on a health aspect when I talk to some of our young people I also talk about on like a financial thing like hey, how much money did you spend on on whatever this product is vaping pens or you know, marijuana and then they'll start going through like, oh, yeah, I'm close to $50 Every time I purchase it, I'm like that's $500 I'm What do you have a car? Like no, I don't I'm on Did you know you can hop on offer up right now and buy Have you buy a $500 car, and then fix it up for another 500? Now you have a car to drive a mile. Now you have some freedom.  

Cecilia  23:48

That's a great point. Right? 

Tom  25:08

So

Erlinda  25:09

I agree with everything Tom said, just because I'm huge on talking to parents and encouraging them to talk to your children. And sometimes those conversations, this isn't just for if you have a child who's curious about narcotics, or trying drugs, but with everything, every single topic, we live in a very unique time. And, again, I said it earlier, if you don't talk to your children, someone else will. And it's better that they get the information from their parent, because you know, what, you know, the correct information is that you want your child to have versus something on from their friend at school or their, you know, their cousin, or whoever it might be. It's just, I'm huge on talking to your kids. And sometimes those conversations are going to be uncomfortable. And you just have to take a deep breath and listen, because if you don't talk to your kids, someone else will like,

Cecilia  26:00

that's right. That's right. Especially when they start getting that adolescent age in junior high, I can tell you, parents, they know at least at least one person who's already doing drugs. And so we have to be the ones to communicate with our kids, we have to keep that line of communication open, build that trust, that's part of having the healthy relationships that we need with our students. It's a scary, scary time for parents. So one thing too, that we can do, I think is creating an action plan. Right, as our kids start to get older, I think it's great to be prepared. If they're in elementary school, it's good to know, okay, when this topic starts coming up, you know, well, how am I going to deal with it? What am I going to do? And I think the first part of creating an action plan is telling your child how it makes you feel, right? They do care about that? They really do. They want you to be proud of them. So I think that's a good first step. The next would be establishing the roles and expectations that you have for them. They really do like to live up to your expectations. We don't set them too too high. But we also don't set them low. Right, we want them to be successful. I found that's been really helpful. And another thing that you guys really hit on was the act of supervision. Right? You have to stay vigilant, you really do.

Tom  27:26

Oh, yeah, bing, bing, apparents. Exhausting. There are a lot of tools out there. As far as just routers and setting time limits on when things are connected to internet stuff. It's just, you go from being this this parent with a newborn, where you're constantly watching that baby monitor. And then you realize, oh, you know, my kid is self sufficient enough where I don't have to watch them all the time. But now you have all these other other struggles where it's all digital with their phones or laptops. And it's just like, keeping up with the technologies is difficult for a lot of parents and just terminology. You mentioned that earlier too. But finding the websites where they can look up these emojis slang terms, because we joke about in our office, we don't even know what the kids are saying, half the time, we're like, what does that mean?

Erlinda  28:08

Tom and I will go to smart social. And we'll go through the different emojis and the lingo. And I'll try to create a sentence and I'll say something and see if you understand what I meant. And usually we don't, because it's a it's again, a different dialect right resource. Smart Social, and Bark. I think that's what I'm always talking to parents about.

Tom  28:32

And if you ever want your kids to stop using any of those slang terms, just start using them yourself. Apparently, that's super uncool, and then your kids will just stop using it.

Cecilia  28:40

Great point. Another good thing too, for us parents is to make sure that the kids know the consequences. We laid out the rules, right, and what's going to happen if they do break those rules. And then really good to be consistent and follow through with that. So if they do need a consequence, we have to follow through with what we said we were going to do is whether that's taking away their cell phone, I'm a big advocate for taking away things for a short amount of time. Right? If you take things away too long, they will find another thing to entertain them. Right. So take things away for short periods of time, give it back to them when that short period of time and it's up to you to judge that, you know whether it's a few hours or a day, but no longer than that. And it's really up to the parents discretion on what they're taking away what will affect the child differently, you know, nothing like food and nothing, nothing like that parents something like technology, I think is a great their video games, you know, just grabbing their controllers so now they can't play. Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

Tom  29:52

also giving them a way to earn back that trust. That's one of the things is we often see parents they'll they'll discipline their kids In one way, like taking away their phone or something along those lines, but rarely do I ever hear like, Well, how do they get that back? And it's like do your do your students know how they can get that back. So it's just like, hey, I need at least a B averaging and be passing all your classes before you can have the phone back or your car or whatever, whatever it is their PS5. But setting that standard, hey, I need you to complete these chores and setting those boundaries and standards that you have is just a member of the household. Right? You know, a lot of times it's like, Hey, I'm taking away your phone, because you messed up on this one, one item, or it's just like the short amount of time which like, I took it away, because you disobeyed me once and you went out of the house. So you're not supposed to everything else is good with a kid except for that one thing. It'll definitely work. But it's just like they're having a series of problems. It's just how can we how we how can we get back onto the right track track and setting some sort of, I don't know, I performance plan is what I want to call it. But it's...

Erlinda  30:56

Exactly. I've actually said in brought up to a group of parents before. And again, it might not work with everyone. But a contract like an electronic device contract is very beneficial. Because, you know, it doesn't have to be anything real elaborate, but you just put what your expectations are and have your child sign it, it will make them feel like, wow, my, my mom and dad really think that I'm an adult, or they trust me with x, y, and z. And yeah, contract is really good and have those consequences, prepared ahead of time. And also, I think it's really important, if you are going to take away their PS5, or their electronic device, whatever it may be, make sure that your kids understand why they're getting it taken away. It's not just mom got mad at me because of this, or, you know, because I didn't do this, make sure that they actually understand where it's coming from,

Cecilia  31:49

Right, because it doesn't work if they don't understand the why 

Erlinda  31:52

Exactly. 

Cecilia  31:53

Another good thing too is when you catch your child doing something good, acknowledge it and give them that positive feedback immediately. So if you've been telling them just for an example, take out the trash and they're not doing it, then finally, one day you see them take out the trash without being prompted, make a big deal about it. Oh, my gosh, thank you so much for taking out the trash, I really appreciate that, that makes me feel good. So thank you so much for doing that, Billy, you know, I really appreciate you just something as small as that, they love that. And then you'll see that behavior start to grow. And they'll want to do that more and more without needing the prompt. So it's just as equally as important to acknowledge when they do something positive.

Tom  32:35

And we also talk about with some of our parenting programs, like the five love languages on like how people except like praise and love, like in figuring out how your your, your child actually accepts that kind of behavior. Because you know, just a hug, sometimes words of affirmation quality time, like, Hey, I'm so proud of you for doing this, like I'm going to, I'm going to take you to Go get a you know, ice cream, or I'm gonna I'm gonna take you take you out to the movies, because like, I'm just super proud of you, like as those love languages are our.

Cecilia  33:07

Right to this. And then when they are struggling asking them, when you've gone through all the steps, you know, what else can I do to help you be successful on this? You know, you're you're offering your assistance, you're getting down on their level, you're letting them know you're here for them. Right? And that gives them the opportunity to open up to you and say, Well, I really need you mom or dad to do this, I need more of this. Right and we're meeting their needs, and working with them to get that more positive behavior out of them to I think that's really important shows that partnership between the family. Right? Right. So what can a parent do if they find their student is having maybe an unhealthy relationship, either with their friends? Or even like if when they do start dating, they see the relationship maybe is not as healthy as eight like how does the parent address that? What have you seen with this? Right? Have you run into this concern here in the county?

Tom  34:11

I always like to encourage starting those boundaries sooner in life than later we're just like No, when it comes to young people they're growing up way too fast and and it's just like dating as a family is like one of those things where it's like you get to know Him you meet the other parents and make sure that it's all all of this is you know that just going on dates is content consensual and they you know, you know who who young person is actually going to be with as far as the family values or morals are they are they matching up and then it's just like once it becomes something that you may see is potentially toxic in one way or another. Start having those conversations we with your child about hey, you know this is this is not not looking good. Like we should really start evaluating. Have you ever seen in me, treat your mother like that. Have you ever seen your mother treat me like that, like having those kind of, you know, relationship conversations of like this is, you know, you need to be respected and respect yourself. Like, this isn't what love looks like. So and that goes with friendship, too, my dad, dad used to always say is, tell me who your friends are. And I'll tell you who you are. So it's just like, once you put that big picture out there of like, these are what your friends are known for. This is what the school is calling me and telling me this is like your friend just got you in into trouble with the law, like, are these the friends that are going to be helping you make these big picture decisions to get you to whatever their vision of success is in life, you know, if you're planning on being an entrepreneur, going to college, going to one of the trade schools, you know, once you get that kind of criminal rap sheet for doing something that you can't take back, like, how are you going to accomplish all these other big things big important beautiful things that can happen in your life, again, kind of thrown away a lot of opportunity.

Cecilia  36:02

And it's a hard thing for kids to to try to stay away from friends. And that's where I feel, maybe parents have to take some accountability. I know with my kids, when they were transitioning from going into high school, I had first started one school. And I noticed that the group of friends were just not healthy. And you know, trying to talk with them about it, it just wasn't working. And so I moved schools. That's what I had to do. And those problems disappeared, they just completely disappeared. So as a parent, I had to take control of the situation. And trust me, I was not their friend in that moment. They definitely did not appreciate that. But a parent isn't always going to be, you know, the person that's going to be their friend, right? I'm loving now. I  hope so. But yeah, you have to come to terms with that as a parent to you're not always going to be the one that's the favorite, or they're not going to like your choices. But as long as you are doing what is right for your child, then you know, in your heart, okay, they will benefit from this later on, no matter how much they're fighting back on this, right.

Tom  36:17

I always like to encourage parents to like it, you know, try and foster foster what you want out of your child as well. So if that includes like, you know, whatever, they find joy in getting them into like those clubs, extracurricular activities, after school, finding ways where it's just like, hey, you know, these, these friends are no good, and you're leaving school to go Do you know something that you may not, not appreciate. But now you're, you're creating an environment where it's like, okay, you know that, Boy Scouts, athletic clubs, church groups, things along those lines, where you find those those good morals and values that you you're seeing good, good kids and other families that you can relate to, and kind of even help you with your own parenting struggles, sometimes where you can talk to those people like that's, that's a huge help for parents is not not feeling like you're alone. And so when you when you have those kinds of social groups, and I don't want to underestimate how busy it is, for a parent, just in general, you're leaving work or even if you're a stay at home parent, like it's hard, hard, just keeping up on the house and everything. But having, having those times where you can you can figure out like, hey, you know, talk, talk to other parents and see what their struggles are and how they're dealing with it and get get some help and mentorship. And...

Cecilia  38:28

Yeah, and I know keeping that line of communication again, I know we've we've touched on this so much, but it's so important. So even if our kids are with friends that we trust and that they trust, you know, they can still find themselves in a situation where they're like, Wait, this is not healthy right now, you guys are all doing this. But I don't want to seem like the kid that is not cool. I don't want to go against it. So talk to your kid about how to handle a situation like that. You know, it's really important. With my kids, I established codewords. So when they were in a situation, and this was used one time with my daughter, she found herself in a situation she did not want to be in she knew this was not okay for her. But it was a group of friends. She totally trusted. So it caught her off guard and she called me and instead of acting as if she was gonna, you know, rat on her friends or whatever, she said, our code phrase, you know, and it's so simple. It's it for us. And I can say this now because she's an adult, but she even though she could still use it with me. You know, how are the dogs doing? You know, she doesn't genuinely ask about how are the dogs are doing at home. But if she asked me about the dogs, I know that I'm stopping what I'm doing and I'm gonna go get her and I'm going to come up with an excuse. I can be the bad guy. You know, my mom is, you know, so strict. She's acting like that. That's fine. Go ahead, put that on me. I'm okay with that. I got you out of the situation. We, you know, you said your code word and you're never going to be in trouble for it. Right? I'm gonna go and pull you out of that situation that you're uncomfortable with. It's so important to establish something like that with your children.

Erlinda  39:56

Exactly. I am so glad you said that and you're in a amazing parents for doing that. Because as you Yeah, that's perfect. And I'm so glad. And I hope I encourage more parents to create something like that with their child. Know, 

Cecilia  40:09

It's much needed, especially in today's society and really, you never know. What about preventing gang involvement? Is this a common problem you see in San Bernardino County? So just hints Emery and you know, city alone? I think there's 84 known gangs, it's kind of like a weird. Yeah, so they come from all different, like from LA to Orange County, Riverside, San Diego, for some reason, I don't know why, but it just, we have gangs that come in here. So having that exposure is it's there. And how big those gangs are for moving out of those areas, I honestly couldn't tell you and it's just a high turnover rate on certain blocks are belonging to one gang, and not as far as gang gang area goes. But it's keeping your kid out of that. It's just, again, it has to do a whole lot with your involvement with your child's life is just like, what, what standards and you know, identifying some of those problems and signs of, you know, are they struggling in school? Are they, you know, are they not quite themselves, just like, you've been with this child your whole life, like, you know, when something's wrong when you're a parent, and you look at them, and having those conversations of like, Hey, what's going on? What's going on? Like, truly, because you're, you're not who you are. So if they're acting out, talking back, you know, they start listening to different types of music or just being disrespectful things that they weren't into before, and then figuring out what that is, and sometimes it is extreme is like taking them out of that school and putting them in a new school. Sometimes it is talking to him and be like, Hey, I see I see what's going on here like this is this is not going to going to be okay. And explaining of what that lifestyle looks like as far as gang violence and doing SE is people aren't your friends. And then going through we have a juvenile intervention program where we actually show the kids like hey, you know, this is one of the potential things that can happen if you get on down down this lifestyle of ending up in jail and seeing what that looks like. It's not the romanticized version of TV of like, hey, you know, and everything's nice and you know, like, there's there's friendships and buddies like no, it's it smells.

Erlinda  42:26

Shared bathrooms, no privacy, told when to wake up, told when to go to sleep told when to eat,

Cecilia  42:32

it's more more rules in jail than there is like outside of jail. But also showing them the coroner's office to just like this is this is another potential thing that can happen to you if you start going down any kind of violence and gang violence. And it's just like, our coroner's office is beautiful. And we make it make it like that, because that's where if, if you die in San Bernardino County you want we want to make it nice for the families that have to come to our coroner's office and either positively identify bodies or collect belongings things along those lines. How does the parent get that information if they want,

Erlinda  43:17

They can go to our sheriff's website, the San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department. And that's definitely available to them. It's a great program. And I do encourage parents again on the conversation just before that point, if they just see them hanging out with a certain group like it living in the city and living in this county, since there are so many gangs, I was born and raised in this city, I had to walk to school and you know, it's just if it wasn't for my parents, actively, you know, making sure checking up on me and keeping me there was a time in my life where Yeah, I may have hung out with not the best group. And then that's where my mom did a great job of making sure I was involved in extracurricular activities, talking to me and being being a parent being present because I think a lot of times with kids when they end up in like hanging out with a potential gang or the maybe not the right kids or the bad group of kids, the are getting some type of acceptance or they're getting some type of acknowledgement from that big brother, that big sister, and they're trying it. It's just important for parents to be present. That's my point. Yeah.

Cecilia  44:30

When is it okay to call law inforcement?

Tom  44:40

So every time I've ever talked to someone, I've always said like you'll you'll never get in trouble for calling law enforcement. But I also want parents to always have a realistic expectations because we'll get a call where it's just a behavioral issue with their child in the I, I'm honest with them. And I tell them, I cannot fix what's been done in 15 years because like the boundaries were not set or anything like that. At that point, we, you know, I always encourage, you know, family counseling or looking for additional resources where it's like, because it's going to take more than the 30 minutes or hours, and I'm going to be out on on a call in law enforcement. But when it comes to actual criminal behavior, hey, my, my son or daughter just stole my car. And like, they don't have permission, I don't know where they're going, like, call us if there's any illegal activity call us if it's some sort of thing that they're concerned about their parent, or sorry, their child doing something off the wall, they find a gun or something like that, like, always call us like, we're, we're there to help through the whole process of it. The thing that we don't like being called out for is for younger children, where they, they are like, hey, you know, you messed up and the cops are gonna take you away. Honestly, it just creates a fear with law enforcement. And that's not what we're there for. We want to we want anyone and everyone to be able to approach us ask for help get the help that they're looking for, even if it's not us providing it, and we have to possibly Fire Department, emergency services, mental health, one of our community partners, but we never want them to be afraid of law enforcement. So we won't put small children in the back of our car just to kind of as a hollow threat. Like it's not good. But we're always available for that, that call. And sometimes we are there just to give a little bit of an education. Sometimes there are criminal matters, where it's just like, parents don't really have another choice. And sometimes you get bad eggs that come from the best of families. And there's, you know, it's a sad scenario. But, you know, I applaud every parent that's ever called out law enforcement, because they just felt helpless. And they they've tried all the measures that we've talked about leading up to this, and it just, you know, they are their own person. And we have to remember that these these children are their own people, and they're becoming young adults. And they're making decisions that sometimes lead to, to our path, unfortunately,

Cecilia  47:15

Right. And really, the best support a parent can provide is consistent love and affection, right, we need to ensure that we are telling our children that we love them every single day. And we're expressing it in their love language, like you mentioned earlier, it's so so important. Some kids really enjoy a hug, while others don't. And that's okay. But we have to understand what our child's love language need is, it's just so important to to meet them with where they're at and what they need. For example, I have one child that needs both a physical hug, and the verbal affirmations. She she needs that, right. So I make sure to tell her every single day that I love him and love them so much. I do work full time. And I am a part of a lot of extra activities outside of work. So what I do also just as a little something extra, I write her notes, right, I'll leave her a little note here and there, I'll put it on the mirror when I know she's gonna see it, you know, or maybe in her bag or something. And so she just finds them randomly. She's probably like, mom, but I still do it. My other child likes more acts of service. So it's something that like, for him making his favorite meal makes him feel so special. Or maybe placing something that I know he's going to use that day a snack or something, whatever it is just having it out there ready and easy for him. He knows the little things that I'm doing and he appreciates that. And I make sure to let them know, Hey, I do all these little extra things, because I just love you so much. You know, it just makes them feel so special. So they know everyday that they are loved. And I think that's just such an important thing for every parent to do. And it doesn't matter the age of your child. It has to start when they're little. And it has to continue.

Tom  49:05

Yeah. I also like to reverse this conversation because I don't I don't want to just think we're focusing on these. These kids but parents explaining how you accept a love to where it's just like a you make me feel so special. When you give mom a hug. You say I can really tell you're caring about dad right now when you go out they're gonna take the trash out or mow the lawn like

Cecilia  49:27

That's a very good point. Very good point. And dads do it too. Right now, it's so important to especially for our daughters. You know, how, how do we want them to look for a man in their life later on down the line? Right? These were examples. Moms, dads, we are examples for our kids. I think another thing is remembering to set aside real time for your children. It's so important. Did you guys know that on average? I couldn't believe this when I heard this. But on average, parents spend only 20 minutes a day with their kids. Well, we're so busy, right? Where we may be home with them. But are we spending actual time with them. And we have to do better. I mean, this includes myself have to do better, you know, I spend more than 20 minutes, but still, I feel like I still need to do better. We know life is busy, you know, but putting down the cell phone and communicating with our child, no matter how old they are, is critical to their well being. This is really it's called active listening. That's it's really what it has. It's active listening, putting away their cell phone, share a meal together, have everybody put away their electronics, sharing that mail asking, you know, how was your day?

Tom  50:39

Yeah, one of the things that was brought brought to my attention was when your kid asked you to do something, and it's just like, you know, mom, or dad, well, you play video games with me. And it's just like, you're like, I have no interest in playing video games, and you kind of like blow off, blow off that request. You're like, I'm not gonna play video games. It's just like, the real question is what your your kids asking is, Mom or Dad, will you spend time with me? And it's just like, just being invited to those kinds of things where she was like, maybe you're not into it. But it feels the privilege of being invited into your child's life in there trying to share something with you. And, like, I always think that's like a super special thing is when they invite you they want you to be a part of that. You know,

Erlinda  51:22

That's huge. Yeah. I think you're right. Like, even if it's just, if you are stressed, because you just got home from work, and you need to make dinner or you need a meal prep, or whatever it may be, include different even if they're I mean, I have my daughters are young, they're toddlers, but I'll include them on like, Oh, when I help mom make dinner, let's help make that dinner, or let's help make lunch for the week. And I mean, it might be no food in the bowl that they're mixing, but it's just something to include them. And that's something that my parents did with me. So I think that time is so important, because we do get busy. I mean, like you said, we were both here working right now and away from our kids. But it's something that quality time, it's it's just so important. And then that's when you can really be that role model for them and become their best friend because our one job in this world as parents is to protect them and do the best we can for them and what better way than building memories and it's those what it's like those big in those small moments. That's when there's the bid love shows. 

Cecilia  52:26

Right, right.  I think this has been such a great and amazing conversation. So I thank you both for being here today. I really appreciate it and I know our listeners do too.

Tom  52:36

Thank you for having us. 

Erlinda  52:37

Absolutely happy to be here.

Cecilia  52:39

And as always parents, remember you are doing amazing. You are amazing. And you are raising amazing humans. Take a breath and enjoy the little moments. We'll see you next time.