You Don’t Need Fixing: The Power of Becoming a Compassionate Observer

In this episode, we explore:

• Why self-judgment keeps the nervous system stuck in threat mode
• The difference between awareness and compassionate observation
• How thought downloads help process emotions and reduce mental overload
• Journaling as a regulation tool—not a productivity task
• A simple mindset shift that turns self-criticism into self-leadership

This episode is for anyone who feels like they should be “over this by now” and is ready to replace fixing with kindness.

Transcript

0:00

There's a moment I've come to recognize in myself, and once you see it, you start seeing it everywhere. It's the moment when something small happens. Maybe it's an email, a tone of voice, a comment made, a memory that you didn't invite, and before you've had time to think, your body has already decided. Your chest tightens, your jaw clinches, your mind fills in the blings. And now you're no longer responding to what's happening now you're reacting to what it reminds you of. And you maybe don't even realize it in that moment. You don't just have an experience, you become the experience. And for a long time, I thought that that work was fixing that reaction. Calming down, calming it, correcting it, pushing past it. But what actually changed everything was learning to notice it. Without turning on myself, and today I wanna talk about that skill, the one that most of us were never taught, how to become a compassionate observer of your own inner world. This is not detachment, it's not dismissing, it's not pretending that it doesn't hurt, it's present and curious and kind, especially when it could be easier not to be. So this isn't positive thinking your way out of pain. this is something that I see that I think happens too much, is that we, well it is what it is, or, Or think positive thoughts and it will all go away. We all know that that doesn't work. It's more maybe a bandaid or a like save face or, damage control maybe, but this is more of being present and curious and kind. My coach always says, what's the matter, love? And I love the way that sounds when she asks that. So I started trying to use that language for myself and it felt uncomfortable at first because that isn't naturally my language, but, and I still, honestly, when I say it to myself, I hear it in her voice. what's the matter? Love. It's a good stopper for any situation when you're feeling a little triggered. Not long ago, I noticed that there was, something subtle but important in myself. I was doing something ordinary, nothing dramatic, and my body reacted with a sense of urgency that really didn't match. The moment. My shoulders tensed, my breath shortened. My mind started racing, and logically I was safe. But physiologically, my nervous system had decided otherwise If you are a nurse, you probably experience this with your patients. I experience this when I go to the dentist. I know that I'm safe, but my nervous system is telling me to fight or flight, right? And we deal with this with our patient every time I start an iv, almost. I would say more times than not, that's what's happening For the person who's either getting an injection or getting an IV started, It's why our patients can't sleep the night before a procedure or an appointment, because the nervous system is running the show. So here's what stood out for me is that the moment I noticed the reaction without trying to fix it, it softened a little bit and I could say, what's the matter? Love? I didn't scold myself. I didn't analyze it to death, and I simply said internally, oh, this is happening. That pause and that gentle witnessing is regulation. That is compassionate observation in action. So what I mean by be a compassionate observer. That means you notice your thoughts without becoming them. You acknowledge emotions without judging them, and you listen to your body without rushing to overwrite it. From a neuroscience perspective, this matters because observation activates the prefrontal cortex, and that's the part of the brain that's responsible for perspective and choice and integration. while calming the threat responses in the limbic system. this is another powerful benefit of essential oils, is that if I can't automatically. Activate my pre prefrontal cortex, but I know I wanna get there. I can pull out an oil that will activate my limbic system, something calming or something grounding. Inhale that, and that can be my pause and the doorway to what I want to make happen here with my thoughts. Now from a spiritual perspective, it's an act of humility and wisdom. Psalm 46, 10 says, be still and know that I am God. One of my favorite breath prayers is just inhale, be still. And exhale and no, and that in itself is brings that presence on it's stillness, not passivity, and it's awareness that's rooted in trust now, One of the most practical tools for compassionate observation is something called a thought download. You've probably all heard about it, but do you do it? It sounds like common sense, but something else Mike Hooch says is, common sense is not always common practice. And so. Have you done a thought download or do you just think about doing a thought download? A thought download is exactly what it sounds like. You write down everything in your head, uncensored, unpolished, unedited, and sometimes it's not pretty. But I would say every time I do a thought download, I learn something that is going on in my head. A thought that I have that I didn't realize I was having. This isn't journaling necessarily for insight, it's journaling for release. And so you probably wanna do this not in a pretty journal. I see people holding back from doing thought downloads, as a way of journaling because they don't wanna put those things in a pretty journal.'cause what do you do when you don't wanna see it again? So I like to have notebooks for this Spiral notebook. So this just an additional tip. I use a spiral notebook so that I can tear the page out and get rid of it before I do some reflective journaling after the thought download. So again, this isn't journaling for insight, it's journaling for release. And here's why it works, because writing externalizes mental noise, because naming thoughts reduces their emotional charge. All of a sudden, you see on the paper what you're thinking, and. It doesn't hold the same truth that it did when it was in your head, or you see, oh, that's not true. That doesn't make sense, or that's none of that big of a deal. The brain shifts from rumination to regulation. We can make anything a really big deal if we keep it inside and we let it run around in our head. Log enough. Basically, when you do this thought download or if you enter into coaching space, you're no longer trapped inside the storm and you're watching it from solid ground. It makes it a whole lot easier to manage. So how to do a thought download. It's just really simple structure. Set a space, set a container. I take three, slow deep breaths, feed on the floor, hand on your chest, if that feels supportive. And then just write for three to five minutes. So set a timer. Start with right now my mind is telling me. And just don't fix it. Don't filter it. Just write. Don't overthink it. Just write. Whatever comes to your mind. Let it flow out the end of your pen and then read it with compassion not to judge and not to correct. Simply notice patterns and tone and urgency, fear and hope. This is that nervous system care disguised as writing. Now sometimes you'll recognize that as soon as you write it and that will stop you. There's no right or wrong way to do this necessarily. While there is a wrong way to do it, you could judge and try to word craft your thoughts that this is not the time for that. This is the time just to thought, download, mind, dump onto a piece of paper. I once heard somebody say. that this made me stop and think you can't change a thought you haven't fully seen. And I always say that sometimes in coaching when I ask a question and someone is, trying to come up with the words, I try to encourage them just to say whatever they are thinking because you can't change a thought that you haven't fully seen. Sometimes thoughts just come automatically or are running on a soundtrack in the back of our minds, and we don't even recognize it. Once we recognize it, we can actually decide activating the prefrontal cortex, what we're going to do with that. Now, journaling as regulation, not performance. I wanna talk about that too, because many people stop journaling because they think they're doing it wrong, but journaling isn't about elegance, it's more about honesty with safety. This is your space, your personal space, to really unpack your thoughts, to see what's in there, to learn from the wisdom from within, you can identify things that you didn't know were there. And you can process feelings and things that maybe you didn't really even know were having such an impact on your nervous system and in the way that you show up in the world. So compassionate observation sounds a lot like, well, of course I'm tired. This has been a lot, or it makes sense that my body feels guarded. Or I don't need answers yet. I need presence and you can notice this sometimes in conversations with friends, they might be totally overlooking the load that they are carrying and wondering why they're so tired and you can point that out to them.'cause being a compassionate observer of our friends and family members, we can see from the outside what is going on a little better than they can. And this is the same thing that happens when you journal. Now, this all aligns beautifully with another scripture that I love, and it's also from the Psalms. the Lord is near to the broken hearted saves the Christian spirit. I find so much hope in that, to know that I don't have to have it all together and I can feel completely crushed and that is where I can draw near. Where I can find the presence and the nearness, nearness, not urgency is what heals. now, many of us are trained to observe ourselves harshly. when was the last time that you thought, What's wrong with me? Or why can't I handle this better? Or, I should be over this by now. but compassion changes the question instead of what's wrong with me, we ask, What is happening in me? That single shift turns self-criticism into self-leadership And even just phrasing the conversation, what's wrong? Love, what's coming up, what's going on? Love. It's a kind way to say, Hey, what's happening here? like we would do for a friend who's having a meltdown or for one of our kids, it reminds us that awareness without compassion is just another form of pressure. So to have that compassion. Now, before we end today, I want you to try this with me. Just sit comfortably, inhale slowly through your nose. And then exhale longer than you inhale, and then quietly say to yourself, I can observe this moment with kindness. No fixing, no forcing, just witnessing. This is where we empower ourselves to show up in the world in the way we really want to. This is the way we train our brains, to cooperate with us, to go get our goals and to show up and to be who we know we're meant to be, to live the life that we are created for. Being a compassionate observer doesn't mean that you stop growing. It means you stop fighting yourself on the way there. Growth rooted in compassion is sustainable healing. Rooted in awareness is lasting, and regulation begins. The moment that you feel safe enough to notice, you're allowed to observe your life with mercy, and that too is wisdom. So if this is resonating with you or you're finding this difficult, schedule a discovery session with me. We'll get you pointed in the right direction. Maybe we'll identify one thought that you're not recognizing, or one way to be more compassionate with yourself and lead yourself in the direction that you really want to go. And if you're not ready for the discover session. I put an email out about midweek with additional tips and stories that can bring us together on this journey. Also. The Facebook group, the regulated nurse is a free space for community and for these conversations. So join me there. The links are below in the show notes. I'd love to connect with you in any way that you're ready for. share it with us with a friend and have a conversation about where you guys are with this. Connect with other people. Maybe you're thinking of somebody that this might resonate with, maybe, you know, another nurse or healthcare provider that could use some of this. So share, leave me a review. Let me know. that means the world to me when I hear from you about what's going on in your journey. All right. Until next time, breathe. Notice and trust the work that awareness is already doing within you as you go out every day and default to yes, your extraordinary self.