101. Why Midlife is the Perfect Time for Your Big Adventure

Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Is this it?”—like you’ve checked all the boxes but something still feels...off? You’re not alone. In this episode, I’m joined by the fabulous Sue Willoughby, a fearless midlife trailblazer whose journey will make you laugh, cry, and most of all, feel inspired. From her VW bus named Arlo to her unique work with horses through Equus coaching, Sue is on a mission to help women over 40 drop the roles that no longer serve them and live a life that feels authentic and bold.

We explore why midlife is actually the perfect time to shake things up, stop people-pleasing, and get radically honest about what we want. Sue shares her own powerful story of transformation and healing—from a tough childhood and corporate burnout to creating a life filled with meaning, connection, and (yes!) horse wisdom. This one’s all about permission: to evolve, to feel deeply, and to live fully.

In this episode:

•  00:01 – Why Sue and I are instant kindred spirits (hint: VW buses and bold living).
• 02:30 – Sue opens up about growing up with chaos and becoming fiercely independent.
• 04:45 – The moment we lose ourselves in the roles of wife, mother, and caretaker.
• 06:00 – Why questioning the script is essential for midlife women.
• 08:30 – Chinese Medicine’s take on midlife and how kidney energy fuels reflection.
• 11:00 – Saying yes to yourself (and no to what no longer fits).
• 13:00 – The magic of letting go: how discomfort leads to freedom.
• 15:00 – Boundaries, reactivity, and what it really means to stay in your lane.
• 17:25 – What a horse can teach you about truth, presence, and being seen.
• 22:00 – Curious about Equus coaching? Here’s what it’s like—no riding required!
• 27:30 – Details on Sue’s upcoming women’s retreats and how to join her.

Connect with Sue Willoughby:

• Web: https://www.willoughbycoaching.com/
• Insta: https://www.instagram.com/sue_willoughby/
• FB: https://www.facebook.com/willoughbycoaching/
• LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/suewilloughby/
• YT: https://www.youtube.com/@SueWilloughby
• Podcast: A Life Worth Being
• YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SueWilloughby

Connect with me, Dr. Sara Poldmae:

Website: https://risingwomanproject.com

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/drsarapoldmae

Join me at my next wellness retreat!   https://risingwomanproject.com/retreats/2025-april/

Transcript

Sara Poldmae: 0:01

Sarah, welcome to the midlife rise and thrive podcast. I am your host. Dr Sarah pulpning, if you have been wondering how to feel your best in mind, body and spirit as you navigate through midlife, then this is the show for you. Each week. I'm sharing accessible education, heartfelt stories and exclusive interviews. We will be talking about everything from health and wellness to sex and relationships and the many challenges and opportunities that come with mid life, it's time to take charge and live fully with intention as you write your next chapter. Let's get started. Hi everyone. Super excited for today's guest, Sue Willoughby, and let me tell you why. First of all, she has amazing life experiences that she'll share a bit about. But also she has a VW bus, and if anybody knows me personally, they know that she that's my hero, because I just love volkswaze. So I definitely want to hear a little bit more about her Volkswagen bus that has a name Arlo. But besides that, that may be more relevant for you, Sue is all about helping women over 40 to cut through their own BS and reclaim their lives through the raw, honest power of Equus coaching, which she'll get more into, I'm sure. Imagine getting deep insights about who you are and how you show up all through connecting with a horse. Sue's journey has not been a walk in the park. She was raised by a single alcoholic parent. Came out at 17 and hit rock bottom more than once, but she turned it around. She moved across country and built a kick ass life and career a lifelong lover of horses. She turned that passion into a coaching business that helps women ditch their fears and step into their authentic power. From being a DJ and a stand up comic to a private pilot and roller derby ref. Sue doesn't just talk about living boldly. She lives it now settled outside Seattle with her horse, moose, two dachshunds and a VW bus. Sue is ready to shake things up and inspire you to get out of your own way and live fully right now, so you can see how Sue and I are going to be good friends. Welcome sue to the show. Thank

Sue Willoughby: 2:23

you for the introduction. Sarah, yeah, that was I heard that I like, wow, that's a lot

Unknown: 2:31

that like that person sounds really cool. Oh, right. I love that. Well, tell the listeners a little bit more about yourself before we get into the meat of the show. Yeah,

Sue Willoughby: 2:43

I you touched on a lot of those things in the intro. And horses definitely have been a thread throughout my entire life. Arlo is my second VW bus. And, well, I wanted a time I had one previously, but I really have sort of opened myself up to life, like you said, growing up with an alcoholic parent, I never knew what to expect, so my comfort zone became discomfort and surprises you never knew, right? What am I going to walk into? What am I going to come home to? Am I going to get picked up from the school event? You know, all those kind of questions that you have that you know, leave a mark, so to speak. And, you know, that's, that's nothing against my mom, you know, she was doing the best she could, and I love her for that, but it really did make me fiercely independent, to the point of, you know, having up a lot of walls and really just not, not being very mindful of other people. It was all about self preservation for me, and that has, you know, I've done a complete 360 in my life a couple of times, actually, a little bit like a whirling dervish at times. But I I live my life by being curious and trying new things always, and I'm a lifelong learner. So these are all things that just really keep me going and keep me energized and moving forward.

Sara Poldmae: 4:05

Yeah, I love that, and you know, it's interesting. And thank you so much for sharing that and being so vulnerable and open about your childhood. You know, a lot of my patients that come in in midlife have a million symptoms and they're just not feeling like their true self, but often it's because we've, we've lost our true self. We've we haven't had a definition of self that hasn't, you know, revolved around the different roles that we play. And sometimes it's easier just to play roles. It's easier to play wife, to play mother, and all these are important roles. But it can also be a way of distracting from confronting your past, confronting the yucky stuff that may have happened in childhood and and like you said, you know your mom was doing the best that she could, and I think we're scared sometimes to acknowledge maybe that we didn't receive the love in the ways that we needed to receive the love, but all of that. So generational not to get too heavy. But, you know, your mom went through stuff when she was a child, and her mom went through stuff when she was a child, and so, you know, sometimes we become so busy playing the roles that we think we're supposed to play in mid late that we use those roles, and we use the busyness, and we use all of that to distract from maybe looking at things and saying, What do I need to let go of instead of just shoving it under? And you know, for you, it sounds like you, you confronted it, you realized it wasn't right, and you decided you're going to make this one shot that we have on Earth, as far as I know, the best that you can right, the most adventurous, the most amazing shot you could so thank you for doing that, and thank you for sharing your journey. Love to hear more about our pick today, which is, why is midlife? Why is life after 40 the perfect time to shake things up and to make this your best years yet? Well,

Sue Willoughby: 5:58

I think you touched on a lot of those where we have been playing a role or following a script, some societal norm that we thought, you know, we had to subscribe to. And I personally don't feel like I really did that. But even within, you know, the gay community, or whatever you know, I was tuning into, there were certain things that I felt like I had to, you know, be a certain way, or act a certain way, or or something else. So yes, we do all play roles. We do all follow some sort of script. And I think that by the time you hit midlife, you start to question some of those things. Maybe some of your part of your life has changed or slowed down, or, you know, where you've reached a point in your career that you just feel like stuck and like, is this all there is. What do I want to do next? Maybe I don't want to climb the corporate ladder anymore. I had a very successful six figure corporate career, which I never in a million years thought I was going to have when I was younger, I was just all over the place, literally and figuratively, and had no no direction or anything. And it wasn't until I moved cross country, was presented with some brilliant opportunities and went back to school and got into a career and and eventually it got to a point where, like, oh my god, I hate this. I hate this corporate America. I love that paycheck, but corporate America thing is not good for me. So I, you know, jumped out of an airplane and decided to move on and went into real estate.

Unknown: 7:30

But in the answer to your question, go ahead, yeah, jumping out of an airplane is too much for me.

Sue Willoughby: 7:37

Well, as a private pilot, I thought that too. I'm never going to jump out of a perfectly good airplane. Yet I did. So never say never. But I think that, you know, this is a time in our life where we start to think, oh, okay, you know, we're looking far off in the distance at some sort of mortality, right? We know something's coming someday. And what have I done in my life? What are the things that I want to do? I fully believe in living your life now and not making a bucket list. That's just not, because otherwise you may, you know that bucket may never come right, or you kick the bucket and then you never got anything out of the list. So, so I think this is a perfect time when we do just start naturally questioning things and wondering. My family's gone now, my kids moved out. They're they're having their lives. What's left for me? Where am I? Who am I? So we start questioning all these things. So that's why I think midlife is the perfect time to re examine and reinvent

Sara Poldmae: 8:37

Yeah, and it's interesting, because I don't think, I think our society is now starting to acknowledge that, you know, there's more discussion around midlife and menopause, but being a doctor of Chinese medicine, we've always acknowledged that. We've always looked at the different stages of a woman's life. And I feel like in the Western culture, the stages are, you get your period, you have babies, you raise babies, and then it's kind of you're done, like you're invisible, whereas in Chinese medicine, they talk a lot about the Maiden and the Crone. And in midlife, our kidney chi, the kidney energy. It's interested, interesting that you said reflective, because the kidneys are involved with reflection and self introspection, and this time of life is very kidney centered. So what we do in Chinese medicine to treat women that are having a difficult time with self reflection is we try and strengthen the kidneys. The kidneys are involved with reflection. So sitting by the water is very soothing and nourishing and energizing for your kidneys. And water add reflective quality, which then, in turn, the kidneys are also involved with your willpower and your courage, which we need some of that in order to I won't go so far as to say jump out of plans, because that wouldn't be my definition of courage. That's my definition of being. Absolutely insane, but bravo to you. I'm just scared of night, but it gives us the courage to make bold moves, whether they be jump out of a plane or quit our corporate job or leave a relationship that's no longer serving us. But to make those changes, you need periods of self reflection to make sure that is the change or the direction that you want to go. And it's just so nice to hear from someone that's talking about the fact that this is a natural time of our life where that reflection comes into play.

Sue Willoughby: 10:34

Yeah, absolutely, I couldn't agree with you more. And you also, earlier touched on the fact that we just push those things down, much like our intuition when we're kids, and all of the things that you know our sense of adventure are, you know, all of that we just push it down because it doesn't fit somehow. It doesn't fit our lifestyle, it doesn't fit our friends, it doesn't fit our whatever. And I think that you know the self reflection. When you start to question those things, you think, wow, okay, there are other things out there. And you may tell somebody about that, and they're like, well, you're just dumb. Don't do that. That's a crazy thing to do at your age or whatever. So your friends, you know, they may be your friends, however, they may not want to see you change, because that might mean leaving them behind, and that kind of plays into, you know, letting things go that no longer serve us. And I've done that a lot, some some things more recently, but just generally speaking, you know, it you have to do that. You have to let things go in order to make space for new things and people and adventures,

Sara Poldmae: 11:42

you're always saying, if you're saying yes to one thing, you're saying no to another thing, because we only have so much space. And my mother had said to me years ago, and it's really stuck with me that, you know, your friends are well intentioned. Your friends can be the best friends in the world, but man, can they give you the worst advice? And it is because they're either concerned that your change might threaten your friendship, and that's coming from a well meaning place if they love you or they want to be friends with you, but we have to remember that we often reflect our fears on other people, so the advice we give may come from a place of fear for us, and that doesn't mean that you know you have to write off that friendship. You could, because sometimes you do have to write friendships off in midlife. But I love that. I love that you said that. Thank you for sharing that.

Sue Willoughby: 12:30

Yeah, I call it spot it. You got it right. So if you're noticing something in someone else, chances are it's something that's showing up for you in your life, and nobody likes to see those things reflected back at them.

Sara Poldmae: 12:42

Yeah, that's so true. And I feel like one huge leap that I I feel personally I've made. And maybe you can share some reflection on this too, in midlife, and especially I'm 52 now, I feel like, especially in the past five years or so, people just don't get under my skin at all. And if they do, rather than make it about them, I make it about me, like, what is that teaching me? What? What part of that threatens me? What about me feels yucky about that? Because there is some sense that the things that you see that are ugly and people are usually something you're trying to tell yourself that you want less of for yourself. Yeah, absolutely.

Sue Willoughby: 13:28

And like I said, it's easy to recognize those, you know, other people's issues when it's like, oh shoot, you know, yeah. So when you start to become aware of those things that you may not love about yourself, and also any any kind of conflicts that you may have with someone, or you want to tell someone something but you don't want to hurt their feelings. You can't be responsible for how they're going to react. All you can be responsible for is yourself. So I always help people understand that. Just stay in your lane. Right Mind your business, whatever your business is, it's not somebody else's business. They have their own stuff that they're dealing with, and they have their own ways of working things out. And if you tell someone something and it lands not quite the way you thought it was going to with them, give them a minute. They they need to process that, and they will respond however they're going to respond. You don't own that, right? So figuring out, you know, once again, having boundaries. I listened to one of your recent podcasts about boundaries and so forth, and it's like, yes, you do have to have clear boundaries, whether it's saying no and feeling okay about something, or just understanding that I only own me and my stuff and the things that I say and the things that I do I don't own or can't control someone else,

Sara Poldmae: 14:50

no, and that doesn't mean that we can't say things or approach things with kindness or or grace. We certainly aren't out to hurt other people's feelings. Things by expressing our needs, but their feelings are not our responsibility and singing with our reactions to things that people throw at us. There's the book, The Four Agreements talking about not taking anything personally. That's so important, because, again, all we can do is own our own space, and I think that's huge for women in midlife, I think we start to get that, and if you aren't starting to get it, because it's such a beautiful feeling, it's such a beautiful way of being, if you're not starting to get that, reach out and get some help to get that, because it's worth getting.

Sue Willoughby: 15:34

Definitely, definitely, yeah, and you mentioned that you know how we react is important too. And yes, someone, if someone says something, however, it comes across. Once again, we own how we react to that. And criticism, I think, is hard, even if it's creative criticism or positive, you know, positive feedback, it may not come across positively, because we may have been sharing something very personal, whether it might be something creative that we've, you know, and people like, well, I don't know, you know, so you have to. People are always going to be critical, and sometimes that's out of defense. I was a very defensive person for a very long time. Someone would say something, and I would just come back, boom, you know, like, just my initial reaction was to be defensive. It's exhausting. Yeah, it's exhausting to always be fighting everything if

Sara Poldmae: 16:27

you don't have it already, where you don't take things personally, go get some of that, because it's a good feeling to, like, not take things and ruminate over them, or like, be so deeply effective because you don't know that person could be having a bad day, or have no idea what they're talking about exactly, or maybe it's something that you can just not react to, and then, you know, process it a month from when it happened, and just say, Is there something I can learn from what they said? Because they could have something of value for us. So it's so it's so beautiful to experience that unattachment Or dis attachment from reactivity that we've lived with often for so long. I would love to pick your brains about horses and horse therapy and all of that, because I know that you had mentioned to me that you host fabulous retreats that are centered around horses. Equus therapy never had that on my show. So I would love to know, what can a midlife woman learn from a horse?

Sue Willoughby: 17:26

Anyone, anyone on this planet, can learn something from a horse. And some of the things that you were just talking about, it's funny that you're, I was like, that is the perfect segue, because horses don't judge us, which is a you know, they're they're not judging creatures. They also don't hang on to things like we do and ruminate. I love, you know, the word ruminate. We ruminate about everything. We spin it into this crazy, you know, epic adventure. And you know, we've got a story for everything. Horses, Don't They, just it starts off with the fact that they are prey animals, and they are just huge sensory beings. Everything about them is sensing their environment, whether it's another being in their space, a fly on their back, a plastic bag that rattles in the wind, one of their herd mates suddenly startles. I mean, all of these things are as prey animals in the wild. Their instinct is to survive. And even, you know, the horses that we have now in their cushy stalls and their because cozy blankets and their delicious grain and hay that we give them, they're still they're still herd animals, and they're still prey animals, and we as humans are predators. Yeah. So they use every bit of their senses to be aware and be in the moment, and that's why it's such a beautiful thing that we can learn from them. And then they they also will act as a mirror to what is really going on inside of us. They can sense all of that because they're such sensory beings. They sense everything that is going on inside of us, no matter how much we try and pretend or put up a facade, they can see right through it. So they can really cut to the chase. There's nothing like a 1200 pound animal staring you in the face, going, Oh my God, you are so full of it. So it's true, and you can't argue with that.

Sara Poldmae: 19:29

I know that you're a dog person, and everything you're just describing about horses, I feel like applies to dogs. I've always said I don't fully trust initially, a person that doesn't like dogs, and then sometimes I find out that there's a story behind it or and it starts to make sense to me, something to resonate towards. Because how could you not love dogs like they're just they just are. They just are in the moment. And when you describe the horses so beautifully, I felt I. Felt like you were almost describing a dog or any other animal that we live beside. Yeah,

Sue Willoughby: 20:06

yeah, definitely. Animals are so perceptive. And you know, my dogs know when I'm, you know, going through a hard time, or I'm not feeling well, or whatever, the big difference is that the horses can connect with you. Not that dogs don't, they say absolutely do, but they're also predators, right? So it's a different kind of connection. And horses are just they're such unique creatures. So if someone you were talking about my retreats, when we do retreats, I do one on one coaching with with individuals as well with the horses. Also, if I'm doing online coaching, I bring a lot of Horse Wisdom, and a lot of you know horse horse theory into into the way I interact with people. But when it's one on one with a client and a horse, the person is interacting with the horse, and I'm watching the horse's behavior. How are they responding to the person, and how is that person responding to the horse. People tend to project onto the horse whatever it is that they're going through, or they'll try and, you know, hide their feelings from the horse. And when they do that, the horse is saying, Hey, I'm detecting some incongruency here. I'm not sure if you are safe to approach. You might, you know, I'm just you're not your insides are not matching your outsides, but they're but they're not going to hold that against you. They just want you to be honest. So it helps people get back into their bodies and out of their heads and release some of that guard that they have up, drop that facade a bit so and then the horse will will come right over. They don't care. That's the beauty of it. They don't care if you're having a bad day. They just want you to be honest about it. They just want to make sure that you're not going to hurt them, or that, you know, you're part of their herd when you're in their in their sense, you know, century awareness zone, which is quite far, by the way, but when you're in close proximity with them, they're non verbal communicators, obviously, unless they're knickering at you or whatever, but they can read your body language, and they will, you know, they will stay away if they don't feel comfortable with you. But it's, it's really interesting to see how people react to that, and it gives me the perfect opportunity. So I'm incorporating the horse as a feedback loop, really and the and it gives me the opportunity to ask some really beautiful questions, because I'm seeing how the horse is reacting and how the person is interacting with that horse and their behavior, and I can also ask them to observe and see what they're seeing. And it's really interesting. What they'll say, right?

Sara Poldmae: 22:44

Yeah, I feel like we have about 12 deer that live on or around our property, so we see them often when we're coming and going from our house. They hang out in the brush beside the driveway, and they're such peaceful animals. And I have chickens as well, and so sometimes, you know, they, they kind of are not too far from the chicken coop, sometimes, and I'll go out there and sit and let my chickens free range and just watch the chickens. And the longer I'm out there, and the more calm I am, the closer these deer will come to me. And I just watching them and watching their behaviors and how peaceful but alert they are to their surroundings, sounds similar, and I find that I've had some amazing meditative clarity just by being in their presence, and I could see how that would translate to what you offer with the equine or Equus therapy. I have a question, because I keep thinking of it, it keeps popping up. Some people are nervous around horses, most likely because of their size. I mean, they are large animals, and although they don't often try and hurt people. I guess my question to you is, when you're working with people, is it possible for someone that is nervous around horses to come on one of those retreats or to work with you individually, and if they're nervous about horses, why would they

Sue Willoughby: 24:11

that's a great question, and I do hear that a lot. You know, somebody's had a quote, unquote bad experience with a horse in the past, and it could have been any number of things. Maybe the horse was having a bad day, or they're they're big. I mean, my horse is 16 hands, and he's 1200 pounds. I mean, he's a big guy. His name is moose for a reason. So yes, they can be intimidating, but I encourage people to, once again, get over their fears, or at least explore their fears. Why are they afraid of a horse that is a prey animal, and I think a lot of times, people just don't understand that really important piece of the horse and the horse human relationship. And I will invite them to take things at their own pace. Now I. They don't let anyone interact with a horse if they don't feel safe. So typically, once they're in there, and by the way, there's no riding involved, everything is on the ground. The horse is at Liberty. They're free to move around. The person is free to move around and interact with the horse. So if someone has some fear around being near horses. We just take it slow. I introduce them to the horse. I show them how to approach the horse. We may do some gentle grooming, just so that they can explore what it's like to have a positive interaction with a horse and be that close to something that big. And very quickly, that fear melts away because the horse is curious. They understand that the person may be a little fearful, and it's interesting because the horse is going to give each the same horse will give you one experience. It'll give me another experience. It'll give someone else a different experience. They feel and understand what you need. And they will, they will give you what you need. So that's, you know, I encourage people to just have that experience. It is very experiential. And it's, it's, like I said, it's interesting to see how quickly that fear, like, Oh, what was I afraid of, you know, and just once they get in the in the space with the horse, and the horse is holding space for them, and I'm holding space for everybody. It's a lovely little little bubble that way. But yes, they're, you know, I hear that a lot, I'm afraid of horses. Why? Why are you afraid of them? You know? Yeah, because they're big, and I've watched, you know, these movies, and they're pawing at people, and they're kicking them, and, you know, yeah, they're a big live animals, and if they feel nervous, they you know, if they feel threatened by you, then they're going to take care of themselves first, which is another beautiful lesson that we can learn from horses, take care of ourselves first. I love that.

Sara Poldmae: 26:59

Well, that's amazing, and I want you to share, if you would, the dates and locations for your upcoming retreats, and then I'll have you send those to me in an email so that I can make sure to include the specific dates for each of the retreats, so that if any of the listeners are interested in in learning all that they can learn from Horses and from you, they can they can find you. They know when the retreats are. They can check their calendars. So please share that along with any ways that reader or listeners can get in touch with you. Absolutely.

Sue Willoughby: 27:31

I'd be happy to do that. First retreat is going to be in Paso Robles, California, at a beautiful private ranch near Lake nacimiento, and that will be at the end of May, the last weekend in May, and that's a three day retreat. The next one is going to be towards the end of September, like the 23rd 24th and that's sort of a mid week rather than a weekend. And that retreat is actually around women in the recovery space or that are curious about it. So that'll be more of the focus of that retreat. That is an all inclusive retreat at a private ranch, once again, lodging, meals, everything, totally immersive. And then in October, I'm back in Paso Robles, California, at the lake NASA manto ranch, and that will be sort of mid October, I believe. And all of them are up on my website, and I'm happy to give you a additional discount code for your listeners if they're interested, and I will send that to you as well. But if you want to just get in touch with me, Willoughby coaching.com or you can find me on Instagram, where I'm most of the time, and that is Sue underscore, Willoughby. And then I also have a podcast called a life worth being in another podcast called The air is free, which I do with my Swedish cohort and fellow master facilitator, Freda carsberg, and the translation for that is lufthan, are free. So a lot of places where you can find me, yeah, you're busy. It's all good. It's all fun. I love

Sara Poldmae: 29:02

that. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for being on the show. Sue again. I'll wait for that email, and then we'll make sure that everything's included in the show notes. And it has been an absolute pleasure, and I look forward to stay that sounds

Sue Willoughby: 29:16

great. Sarah, thank you so much for having tuning in. You.

Unknown: 29:24

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the midlife rise and thrive podcast. If you are enjoying what you hear each week, be sure to follow the show and leave a rating and review, letting me know what you think I would love to hear from you see you later. Foreign