117. Feeling Like a Fraud in Midlife? You’re Not Alone.

Do you ever feel like you’re just faking it—like you’ve somehow fooled everyone into thinking you’ve got it all together, even as you’re quietly doubting your worth behind the scenes? If that resonates, this episode is for you.

Today, I’m sharing a deeply personal and honest conversation about imposter syndrome in midlife. This isn't just a mindset issue—it’s something so many women silently carry as we face big life transitions, career shifts, hormonal changes, and old stories from our past. I’ll walk you through how it’s shown up for me, why it often resurfaces during perimenopause, and how we can gently rewrite the narrative and reclaim our confidence.

This one’s part therapy, part storytime, and part pep talk—because you are not alone, and you are not behind.

In this episode:

• What imposter syndrome really feels like in midlife (and why it can sneak in even after big accomplishments)
• How hormonal changes during perimenopause stir up self-doubt and old emotional patterns
• The childhood stories we carry—and how they still affect how we see ourselves today
• Why you can feel wildly competent and still deeply insecure (you’re not broken!)
• How to reframe negative self-talk and quiet your inner critic
• Simple mindset shifts that can help you move forward even when you don’t feel ready
• A powerful question to ask yourself when self-doubt strikes

Resources Mentioned:

Meadow Hill Wellness: https://www.meadowhillwellness.com/renewher 

Connect with me, Dr. Sara Poldmae:

Website: https://risingwomanproject.com

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/drsarapoldmae

Transcript

Sara Poldmae: 0:01

Sarah, welcome to menopause. Rise and thrive. I am Dr. Sarah pulled me and this podcast is your go to guide for navigating perimenopause and menopause. If you are feeling a little overwhelmed, trust me, you are in great company. Each week, I'll bring you expert advice, raw, honest conversations and simple tips to help you stay grounded and maybe even find some humor in the process. Let's rise, thrive and tackle this wild ride together. Hey, ladies, welcome back to menopause. Rise and thrive, and today, I want to talk about something that a lot of us are I think a lot of us are carrying quietly, especially in midlife, even if we don't say it out loud. So I was thinking today, it's Sunday, I'm actually recording in my bedroom, not sure how much of this is going to be cropped out, but I was just thinking today, like, I can really struggle with imposter syndrome, so I wanted to kind of bring that to the forefront, because I've heard this from a lot of my patients in midlife, and, you know, I was just reflecting on I've had a lovely weekend. It was my anniversary today. I've been married to my husband for six months.

Unknown: 1:23

Sorry, sorry, six years. Oh, my god. I can't even believe it's been that long. But

Sara Poldmae: 1:29

I've been married to my husband for six years. We were celebrating today. We actually went out with our new neighbors last night for dinner, and we just launched my nurse practitioner and I, Monique, launched an amazing concierge program for women, specifically in midlife, and we had a huge response. And while that was amazing, and we really feel like we're meeting the needs of our community, it was also really overwhelming. We had some hiccups along the way with the launch. And to top it all off, when I came home from my yoga festival that I go to every year, that's like magical and transformative. After an 11 hour drive home, I found out that my little Yorkie, who's 16 ish, adopted her about 14 years ago. I had found out when I got home that she had passed away, and I it was completely unexpected, although, of course, she was getting quite old. It wasn't what I was expecting after being such on such a high from the yoga weekend and then coming back so I had, I had some grief to deal with that I'm still dealing with, and then launching this program, this concierge program, which I'm super excited about, just kept me really busy, which may have helped you know, in mourning my little Yorkie Delilah, but I I'm saying all this because it's it really hit me how we can give ourselves such a Hard time when we all have a lot on our plates, and imposter syndrome can really kind of hit hard during midlife. And there's a sneaky voice that kind of says, Oh, you're just not really qualified, or you're you're just faking it. Or who do you think you are, right? So I don't know if this resonates with any of you, but if it sounds familiar, you are really not alone. And if you're in midlife and are still hearing it, you're especially not alone, because I think sometimes we get so busy in our early adulthood that we can drown out that imposter syndrome, because like, one foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other but in midlife, at least for myself and for the patients that I see, we start asking for more. And although that's exciting, it can also be scary, and then we can turn to self doubt. So we go from like, being super excited about an idea to being questioning, like, Can I do this? Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? So today's episode, I hope I don't ramble too much, but this is a big one for me. It's It's like a mix of story time, therapy session, maybe for myself, and a pep talk, because I want to share my story, one that I think there's a few different components that feed into it. But the one that I want to share with you is that I grew up with a brother who was, or is like Mensa. Mensa smart, I mean, abnormally smart. So I was always in the gifted and talented programs going throughout school. I was a smart cookie myself, but my brother was basically a genius. He went to school super early, went to college, super early, skipped a few grades. So in my family, the focus was very much on his intellect. And this is not to throw my parents or my brother under the bus because they weren't telling me I was not smart, but you. Know, when you have such an exciting basically, like almost a child prodigy in the family, of course, there's going to be a lot of focus on that, because it's, it's, you know, it's unique. So, you know, not only did I struggle with hearing that my brother was so smart all the time and trying to be happy for him, but I also had undiagnosed ADHD. So I was smart, but always a bit scattered, and I never really once I hit puberty, I basically stopped trying in school. And ADHD can have an intention seeking component. I definitely had that. And I just felt for a long time, probably through the later part of middle school and then also in high school, I just never felt like I was quite enough. And I bring this to the table because I think a lot of us can feel that way. And even now in my career, you know, I have two successful wellness centers. I'm a doctor, a business owner, a podcast host, retreat leader, I still have a lot of moments where I think, Am I really doing this, or like, oh, none of that's that big of a deal, you know. And I have a lot of people cheering me on, and I'm like, you know, I don't have those moments all the time. Sometimes I look at what I'm doing and I'm like, Wow, I can't believe how far I've come, because it took me a long time to really become more comfortable in my own skin and start creating the life that I wanted and deserved and was capable of. And I found it interesting, because I can say that my imposter syndrome, it's really kind of flared its ugly head since the perimenopause journey started. And so I think, you know, I'm bringing this to the table because I want women out there to know that when you're up leveling your game and you're going through this time in life, it is normal. It is common to feel some of that questioning. And so a lot of that can come up from our childhood stories, which is why I wanted to share mine, in hopes that it helps you. So the word genius wasn't just thrown around. It was like, practically, like, engraved in a plaque over my brother's head. And I don't think my brother's ever going to listen to this. But again, I want to say, you know, he's amazing, right? He's super smart. And if I, if my child was like, mental level genius, I would have a lot of focus on that too. It's like, wow. And again, while I was pretty smart too, the spotlight never was really on me. Nobody was trying to make me feel less than but when my family narrative was all about your brother, your brother, your brother and his exceptional brain, he was like, charting stars for Princeton out in California when he was, like, 14 or 15. I mean, it was a big deal. And then you take in that under undiagnosed ADHD, and, you know, I was really gonna struggle regardless, because I found that I was just zoned out in classes. I had some family trauma going on that was not about my brother, but I procrastinated a lot, and I just became kind of, you know, I don't really have what it takes. Right, somewhere deep inside, I knew that I did, but I think I just felt that deep imposter syndrome from an early age, and then when I embarked on my career, that certainly changed. Like I really don't feel like this imposter syndrome stayed with me my entire life, but I just think it's interesting that it crept back in in my mid 40s. So I wanted to share this to say that that imposter syndrome kept me playing small. I didn't like really strive for those straight A's. I never really strove to get into college. I went to community college for a few years, I felt really lost. And I think today, even today, with with everything that I have accomplished, I still have those moments where I feel like that little kid again, and you know, kind of someone that's sitting to the side, not participating, which is in direct conflict to how I live my life, like I'm out there trying to help women every day, doing my best in every aspect of my life. So the Wild Thing is, is you can be wildly competent and deeply insecure at moments that deep insecurity is not necessarily with me every moment of the day, but when it hits, it can hit really, really hard, and you can have experience, credentials, a thriving career, or have stayed home and have been like an amazing, amazing homemaker and shared some. Love and joy and and all of that with your peoples, and still feel like an imposter. I have a lot of women that I know that stayed home and felt like they were never good mothers or or they felt like they were good mothers, and then all of a sudden, in midlife, they're like, What did I do wrong? So it has a, I think midlife just has a way of, like, just stirring up any of the junk that's like, underneath, like it under the surface. Because just when you feel more comfortable in your own skin, something, something happens with that hormonal chaos that we have going on. There's a cute meme that's going around social media that says, Cougar puberty, right? It's true. It's you know, our hormonal chaos is very similar to the hormonal chaos of puberty, and isn't that? Isn't puberty where we really started to doubt ourselves. Are we pretty enough? Are we smart enough? Before that, everything just flowed, and we didn't question it for the most part. So now all of a sudden, we're kind of going through a second puberty, at least with all of the emotions being brought up and all of that. And we start to ask of our lives a lot of times, is this all there is, what if I want something different. What if I want more? Midlife invites change, and change can be super, super scary. So of course, if there's any little inkling of imposter syndrome anywhere in your tissue, right, like our body keeps score and holds those emotions. So if they're hiding in there somewhere, and you may not have felt much imposter syndrome in your 30s, all of a sudden, with all these hormones and midlife just giving us this opportunity to maybe ask for change, of course, that little bit of imposter syndrome might sneak up. I know it did for me. You know, we may have shelved dreams that we had thought up years ago, and then all of a sudden we think maybe I could do that, and then imposter syndrome comes and says, Absolutely not. But midlife is a is a time for redefinition, and that can, like, really shake up any identity that we've built over the years. Add to that, you know, some of the physical challenges of midlife, like brain fog, or add some career burnout, or maybe you're empty nesting and you're feeling a little lost there suddenly the idea of starting something new, or just staying on the track you're on just seems terrifying. And you start to feel those, those doubts creep in. Imposter Syndrome doesn't just whisper, you're not good enough, it says, Oh, you're too old to start over. You've missed your chance. You should have figured that out by now. I feel that way sometimes, like, why am I behind? And if I look back logically, it took me a while. I didn't graduate from my doctorate until I was 30. I had some years in my 20s that were pretty bumpy, so I had a little bit of a later start. And then I decided to become self employed, which is always like a wild ride, and had a lot of responsibilities with my daughter as a single mom. So there were challenges along the way. And most of the time I give myself grace for that. But again, when I start thinking, Oh, you're not good enough, or why didn't you get further? Or, you know, why don't you have X amount in your retirement, you start to say, you know, maybe I'm not good enough, or maybe this is it, or I'm behind, or I've just been, you know, I don't know, you just get all these thoughts, right? So I want to say that when those thoughts come up because I'm a firm believer. We all have lots of negative thoughts every day. The best thing that we can do in the immediacy is just to reframe the thoughts. So when I start having those thoughts of I'm not good enough, or, you know, I'm imposter in some way, shape or form, I'm faking it, I start to remind myself, no, no, no, you have lived a beautiful life. You have created a lot of wonderful things. And you may not know something, or you may not know everything, but you know a lot, and you share a lot. And so I just try and like, reframe whatever that thought is and correct myself in the moment, because I think that's really important. So many of us have been like handed a lot of labels early in life. So for instance, my brother was labeled the genius, right? And he probably has his own set of issues with that. I was labeled the scattered one or the girl that didn't. Try, or someone that couldn't stick with things, because I started a lot of things and didn't finish them. And I still resonate deeply with that, because I do feel that my ADHD is a blessing and a gift, but it can also be a challenge. So I've been accused of like, starting things and not finishing them, and that's a great example, because I remember my current husband saying something offhand about that. Oh, well, you like you. You don't stick with things for very long. I just celebrated being in business for 20 years that's sticking with something for a long time. So we have to be careful when we believe those things. Because when he said that a while ago, it really stuck with me in that little place of niggling self doubt. I think about that a lot, and then I say, hmm, I just celebrated 20 years of business like I would say, that's sticking with something for a while. So maybe you were raised to be more agreeable and supportive and quiet and dependable. So then when you start to learn to, like, raise your voice a little bit, you think, well, I shouldn't be saying that. What do I know? Maybe you were, you know, criticized for being too ambitious, or maybe you were criticized for being too messy. And then we keep those and say, well, I could never be organized. I know that's a story that I tell myself a lot, or you tell yourself, Oh, well, that's too ambitious. I probably shouldn't start that. We have to look at the things that we were told or believed about ourselves in childhood, because that can tell a story, and then we can look at our actual life and UN tell that story. Women are really hard on ourselves. I mean, it's crazy. So when we try and make waves now by asking for more or for setting a certain boundary or starting something new, it can feel really uncomfortable, like you're breaking some set of rules that don't really exist, or if they exist, it's not illegal to break them. Imposter syndrome is really like think of it as a kind of an argument between your current self and the labels that you are still carrying from earlier in life. And then you can look and see how different those two realities are, and decide which one you want to accept. Midlife is a perfect time to start asking those questions. And I will not pretend that I've totally figured it out. I think if I had totally figured it out, I probably wouldn't have bothered to do this episode, but I've just been noticing that that imposter voice really did start popping up a little bit more for me in perimenopause. And another quick story, I think that part of what happened was I was really rocking and rolling professionally right before covid, kind of at the top of my game, really living a great work life balance. And then covid came along and kind of knocked me down. Like, was like, Okay, I know you thought you were amazing. I know you thought you had everything figured out. And covid really brought a lot of challenges to my business, some of which I'm still recovering from. There was a lot of debt that was incurred because I had a lot of staff turnover and bringing on new staff and practitioners. There was a lot that went into that. So I still have some debt associated with covid because I was able to maintain a lot of employees and hire new ones, but that came at a great cost. I also expanded my clinic probably a year before I should have. I opened a second clinic. So financially, I really got knocked down on my knees, and that can be really humbling. And the story I'd like to tell, it's super quick, is related to that I sat next to probably the most wealthy person I've ever met last night at dinner and or at least the most wealthy person I've had dinner with, and they they were telling a story about how They almost didn't survive in the 80s in business, and how humbling it was. And now this person is like, I can't even describe the wealth, but to sit next to him and hear him talk about outside circumstances that almost basically put him out of business really helped me to realize how hard of a time I've been giving myself like I could have done better. If I was a better business person, I would have figured that out. And you know, I do believe that we're in the room with certain people for a reason, and if I were to take anything away from from last night's dinner, would be that I. One little story that this person told, because it really hit home for me that it wasn't maybe I could have done some things better. I mean, of course, you can always but you know, covid was a big deal, and I I'm still carrying that, so that was a piece that I'm definitely still working through. So what helps me again is naming it. If I catch myself in one of the negative thoughts, I name it, I'm gonna say that's not actually true. That's your shit from the past. I reframe the story. You know, I wasn't lazy in childhood. That was another term that was thrown on me. I wasn't lazy. I was overwhelmed. I wasn't stupid, I wasn't lost. I was just on a different journey and hold space for that teenage girl that I was because that can be harder than you think, and once you start trying to give that little girl inside you love, it can bring up a lot. I journal sometimes when I catch myself, but most of the time, it's more in my head, catching things as they come up, anything that helps you to tune into your body, to start to tell the parts of your body that are holding on to those thoughts and negative experiences, helping your body to let go is really, really useful. I surround myself with people who lift me up, because there's plenty of people out there that can bring you down. So I think in midlife, we start to curate the people that we spend time in rooms with, and I think that's beautiful. And then, even if I don't feel ready, I do the thing. You know, I've done some big things over the past couple years, and sometimes walking into them, you know, that self doubt came up, but I did them anyway. And I asked myself a lot, what would this look like if I believed I was 100% capable. I think that's a beautiful thing to ask ourselves. So the takeaway here is, if you're in midlife and you're still struggling, as I am and and a lot of women in midlife are still struggling with imposter syndrome, or feeling like you're not enough, or you don't know enough that you've missed your chance, that there's too much going on and you can't do something. You're too behind. You don't know what you're doing. Just remind yourself that you are allowed to want more, that you are absolutely capable. You are able to outgrow the roles and the labels that have been put on you or that you've allowed yourself to take on, and you are allowed to start again. You do not have to be perfect to be powerful. Things can get messy, and that is okay. I think in midlife, we start to realize that that inner perfectionist can be let go. We don't have to be, you know, perfect all the time. Midlife is not a crisis. It's a clearing, it's a questioning, it's a wanting, it's a chance to stop living those labels you were handed and start writing your own story, I feel like that was a lot. Thank you for listening. If this resonated with you, I would love to hear your story. So please email me, send me a message on Instagram, share this episode with a friend who needs it, and take care of yourself and give yourself grace. And if you are in Maryland and you want to hear about my amazing concierge membership that we just launched, I would love to hear from you again emailing DM whatever you need. It's a beautiful program that's giving women in Maryland the type of care that they deserve, not just handing you out bio identical hormones, although we can do that, but so much more, really helping you to create the best version of yourself and make sure that the rest of your years are the absolute best years. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next week. You