133. Is Alcohol Really Helping You Cope with the Holidays?

Does the holiday season make you feel like pouring a glass (or two) of wine is the only way to survive the stress? Between hosting, caregiving, and the emotional weight of family dynamics, it’s no wonder alcohol can feel like a go-to solution. But what if there’s another way?

In this eye-opening episode, I’m joined once again by my dear friend and sobriety coach, Maureen Benkovich. We’re talking honestly about alcohol, midlife, and the unique pressures women face during the holidays. This isn’t about judgment or labels—it’s about getting curious, protecting your nervous system, and finding peace and clarity in the middle of the madness.

If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering, “Why do I always feel worse after that second glass?” or “How can I say no without making it a big deal?”—this one’s for you.

In this episode:

•  Why the holidays are a perfect storm for alcohol overuse, especially for midlife women
• The truth about brain chemistry and why reaching for a drink is often autopilot—not weakness
• The HALT method: a simple, powerful check-in to calm your system without pouring a drink
• How “lengthening” your response can shift cravings and create new habits
• Why you don’t need to declare sobriety to start making mindful choices
• What to say when someone pressures you to drink (without giving your life story)
• The biggest myth about alcohol and fun—and how to bust it
• How to gently reset your relationship with alcohol in a way that supports your body, brain, and goals

Resources Mentioned:

https://www.soberfitchick.com/alcohol-reset 

https://www.soberfitchick.com/ 

instagram @soberfitchickllc

Connect with me, Dr. Sara Poldmae:

Website: https://risingwomanproject.com

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/drsarapoldmae

Transcript

Sara Poldmae: 0:01

Sarah, welcome to menopause. Rise and thrive. I am Dr Sarah pulled May, and this podcast is your go to guide for navigating perimenopause and menopause. If you are feeling a little overwhelmed, trust me, you are in great company each week, I'll bring you expert advice, raw, honest conversations and simple tips to help you stay grounded and maybe even find some humor in the process. Let's rise, thrive and tackle this wild ride together. Hello, ladies, today is a very special episode, and let me tell you why. First of all, I think it's super, super important. Second of all, dear friend, Maureen, is on the show. She is a sobriety coach, and we'll expand a little bit more on her practice, but we're going to talk about the holidays. And you know how the holidays can be a notoriously tricky season for alcohol. Maureen, welcome to the show.

Maureen Benkovich: 1:00

Thank you. Dr, Sarah, I always like to call you. Dr Sarah, I really appreciate you having me on, and this is a very timely time to come on and talk about this, because alcohol just ramps up starting at Thanksgiving. So great idea.

Sara Poldmae: 1:14

Yeah, for sure. And you know, I think that this time of year can be particularly challenging for women, especially women in midlife, because we're kind of straddling the roles, right? Like a lot of us, not everyone, but a lot of us do have teenagers at home, and they're going in a million different directions, and then we have aging parents, and the holidays start to look different in many ways during midlife. So a lot of us could, could end up leaning on alcohol as a form of support when our body really starts to like at least during this time. So could you expand on why you think that this is a particularly challenging time in midlife for women? Absolutely.

Maureen Benkovich: 1:54

Yeah, I so I do coaching around alcohol. But the interesting thing is, it's rarely ever just about the alcohol, it's about all the stuff that's underneath. Yeah? So the holidays are a perfect storm. As you just said, like there's social pressure. All of a sudden, all the invitations ramp up. For some reason we got to cram everything in to this month. There's the emotional pressure, right? Let's face it, family. We love family, but it also brings, like, a whole nother set of emotional strains, the physical pressures for midlife and beyond, women, hormones, sleep, stress, you know, and alcohol. Let's face it, all of us know, anybody over 40 starts to notice I can't drink like I used to. It's affecting me differently. And my clients, the older they get, the more they notice it. And, you know, understanding you're just not metabolizing this toxic substance the way you used to is is just so important. So especially at the holidays, taking care of yourself is extremely important. Yeah, for sure, absolutely.

Sara Poldmae: 2:54

And you know, I think that as midlife women, we're starting to get better about creating boundaries and stuff. But you know, we're still stuck in patterns. You know, it's so hard to change our wiring, and I feel like and I could be mistaken. I want you to speak on this, but, you know, it's, it's been said for decades of our lives when things are stressful. Oh, I really need a drink, yes? So you're an autopilot, right?

Maureen Benkovich: 3:22

And I want to let everybody know I give a talk called it's not your fault. It's chemistry, because it's brain chemistry. But once you start to see the pattern so more mindful, which I know you speak a lot about, mindfulness versus mindlessness, once you start to understand we are just absolutely inundated constantly with advertisements and pressure and memes and cards and wine. That's called Mommy's Little Helper, right? We're inundated with this message that if you're stressed, drink alcohol. So that helps build that neural pathway and that it's a good thing to do. But the truth is, it's actually really hurting us in so many ways. So mindfulness, the first part being aware. And usually the people I coach are people that are aware. They they wake up at three in the morning. They're like, Man, I did it again. I said I was gonna have one drink, and I drank the bottle. It's a very common thing, and it's most women and men that I coach are not drinking to get drunk. They're drinking to calm down or down, regulate their central nervous system. And let's face it, alcohol is the quickest, easiest way open it up, pour a drink, right? But the people who are feeling the stress, feeling anxious, beating themselves up constantly, those are the people that I say, well, let's, let's take a look at this. Let's be curious, instead of beating yourself up and try to identify all the reasons you are actually drinking in the associations you've made with alcohol over the many, many years.

Sara Poldmae: 4:50

So I have a question, because I think that sometimes people think, Oh God, sobriety coach, that means I can never have another drink in my life. I. And from the conversations we've had in the past, and by the way, I think you're the first guest that I've had on my show three times. Is that possible? Maybe?

Unknown: 5:08

Well, I don't know. It's definitely the second Yeah, I don't mind, right, right?

Sara Poldmae: 5:13

So maybe that's why it feels like we just talk all the time. But from my loose understanding of your work, which is such important work, you don't necessarily coach people only on going completely sober. You are comfortable in the realm of changing people's relationships with alcohol. Is that correct? Yes.

Maureen Benkovich: 5:35

So first of all, I've been through this myself. This is obviously why I do what I do. Because I've been through the experience. I understand the struggle, and I care, and I want to help people. And with my whole health background as a former pharmaceutical rep, personal trainer, general health enthusiast, I understand the struggle, right? Yeah. But rarely does anybody come to me and say, Listen, I want to stop drinking. Most people come to me and say, I want to learn how to moderate or drink less, right? And I say, great, fine. So let's start becoming more aware. The first step, we start small. First of all, I ask people, don't say never, don't future cast like, I don't say never, yeah, I don't say it. Okay. What is so important is, let's just start small and start noticing when you truly want to drink, you know when you're drinking out of habit or try to notice, well, what just happened that all of a sudden I thought, wow, I want to have a drink right now, because it's all about bringing it to the surface and identifying it and again, just being very compassionate with yourself. We have been taught that anybody who changes their relationship with alcohol must be a quote, unquote alcoholic. Have a severe problem, can't control themselves. Yeah, that's not true. You can simply look at it. For Your Health, for your longevity, for your long term care. We do all these other things. We go see Dr Sarah, we detox, we do yoga, we work out, but we don't want to look at this one piece, which, more and more science is showing that there is absolutely no safe or healthy recommended use of alcohol, right? It's a carcinogen. It's a class one carcinogen, linked to seven different types of cancer, at least, including breast cancer, right? It's a toxin totally messes up your gut microbiome. I could go on and on so but again, we're inundated with these messages that it's it's okay, and the only people that need to take a look at how they drink and why they drink are people who are in the gutter with a brown bag. But that's just not the case, right anymore. And you and I talk about that term gray area drinker, which is where 90% of the drinkers and certainly the people certainly the people I work with are, fall into that category. Right functioning. They take care of themselves. They're moms, they're business owners, entrepreneurs, but they are aware that they're drinking more than they want to, and even though they stop, sometimes they can't seem to stay stopped, even if that's their general desire.

Sara Poldmae: 7:59

Yeah, and I have to say that I definitely, you know, I have drank alcohol in the past, and I still have a drink very occasionally. It doesn't do the same thing for me. I really enjoyed pouring a glass of wine, but I just choose not to do it much at all anymore, because, you know, we use alcohol to relax, but it actually does the opposite to the system. And rather than take your time to talk about all the negative health effects, I think I'm going to do an episode in a couple of weeks on that specifically because I think it deserves its own episode. Because I also want to, first of all, on this episode, invite people to work with you, and then I'm going to remind them, in a couple of weeks to work with you, because I think the new year is when people are so motivated to tweak things. But I wanted to bring you on before the holiday season, because it isn't black and white, it is gray, and I think the holidays are a great time to start setting boundaries, even if you're not ready to dive full in on sobriety, or make it like a full on commitment to change your relate relationship with with alcohol during the holidays, maybe that's not the right time. That doesn't mean you can't start implementing the no word occasionally, or, you know, just starting slowly to kind of observe how people act when they're completely over served, or, you know, like, what have you, So, rather than spend time on the health effects, because that's its own episode. Let's talk about what steps can a woman take, or strategies can a woman take for regulating the nervous system instead of alcohol, when the pull comes for ugh, I need a drink. What do you recommend? Are some of the first steps and strategies to combat that, right?

Maureen Benkovich: 9:49

Because, like I said, almost every woman I coach is drinking to calm, to relax, de stress, yeah. So understanding of other options is so important, it does Re. Require implementing the pause like there's so much power in the pause. And if you do work with me, we'll talk about a course that I have you understand brain chemistry. When you start feeling that thought, like you might be driving at three in the afternoon, think, hmm, I can't wait to get home and have a drink. That's actually a chemical reaction. Dopamine is being released, yeah, because this is what you've been doing over the years to calm down. And dopamine is actually motivating you, yeah, when you go home, pour that drink, so the chemical thing's already happening long before you have the drink. So just kind of like becoming more informed helps, Okay, number one, so that you can go, Oh, I know what this is, yeah. Okay, so yeah, right, instead of mindlessly driving to the alcohol store or going home and pouring, think I know what this is. So in the first tactic would be something called lengthening. So when you get home, you want to notice if you're having this thought about having a drink. And I'm going to give you another tactic to go with it. It's called halt. Do a body scan. Am I hungry? Am I angry? And angry covers a lot of things like frustration, irritability, anxiety. Am I lonely? Like, have I not reached out with somebody, gotten a hug, talk to somebody? Am I tired? That's a big one, because cravings for alcohol happen during any one of these times. Okay, you may be and especially during the holidays. A lot of women, right, are not eating enough, not enough protein, not hydrating enough. They're running around and taking care of everybody else. And really, to use the airplane adage, you need to put your oxygen mask on first before you can serve others, help others. So pausing for that moment going, let me think about this. Why do I want to drink right now? A, because it's just what I've been doing for years. B, I've been B, I bet you know what I haven't eaten. Let me have a protein snack, high quality protein. And there's very quick, easy snacks that you can do. Let me hydrate, maybe even add some electrolytes to your water. And so you're going to lengthen right? You're going to not pour that drink right away. You're going to try having some eat, something to drink, and then check back in with yourself. Now, if you still want to have a drink, you've at least put some food and some hydration in your body, because a lot of times we misconstrue being dehydrated for wanting a drink, and alcohol is diuretic, right? So it has the exact opposite effect. But unfortunately, once you start having a drink, you continue to drink because you think that's hydrating, but it's Yeah, so really halt H, A, L, T, check in with yourself. And if you hit any one of those markers, which most people do, try to address that one, and in that using that body scan technique, you're then doing something called lengthening. You're postponing having the drink, and you're checking back in with yourself, saying, Do I still want it now? You know? You know, okay, then mindfully, have that drink, right? Enjoy it and notice, am I enjoying this? Do I feel better? Do I feel better? Set your timer

Sara Poldmae: 12:53

on your phone in an hour, because sometimes you feel better for 15 minutes, but an hour later, you're like, I don't actually feel better.

Maureen Benkovich: 12:59

Well. And again, understanding the chemistry, because you can never get the first high from the first drink with the second and third and fourth drink, and we're chasing it. So it only lasts about 2030, minutes, and then you start to come down because of this whole chemical cascade that happens in your body because it's trying to fight the effects of alcohol. You actually start feeling worse, and that's when you crave another drink to bring yourself back up, but you can never reach that original high. So again, just being more informed helps you to understand, okay, I know what's going on here. Let me check in with myself. Do I need to eat? Am I tired? Do I need to reach out to somebody? You know? Am I irritable? What am I irritable about?

Sara Poldmae: 13:36

Yeah, and when you said anger, what about anxiety? I feel like you could actually cluster that into the A part it's or am I angered, or am I anxious? I mean, I'm not going to take over your acronym, but I know that a lot of women, if they're dealing with anxiety, they use that as a way to calm down.

Maureen Benkovich: 13:53

Yeah, yeah. I can't take credit for the acronym. It's actually a very common acronym. So anger, if you know the emotion wheel you've ever seen that graphic? Oh, yeah. And the reason why they chose anger is because most people, when you say, Well, how do you feel? They only know about seven emotions. But when you look at that emotional wheel under anger, it branches out into frustration, irritability, anxiety, okay, like you know, but they just use anger for the the actual arching, yes, right? So, anxiety, absolutely, holiday traffic. You're irritated. You're yelling at the people across from you. Your kids are getting on your nerves. Work is really stressful. All those things go under anger. So yeah, know that that's a broad term. Okay, thank you for clarifying that. Yeah, but you're just checking in with yourself, yeah, yeah. And then I think again, going to the holidays and saying, you know, we don't need this big announcement, like, I am sober. I am cutting back on my alcohol. I think that in this busy season, there's a little bit of a shame spiral, or need to explain yourself, or what have you like, how do we cut through some. Of that nonsense. Because I think, honestly, some women are like, I'll just have the glass of wine, because it's easier than explaining that I'm not pregnant. Or, you know, lots of funny people always jump to that one, yeah, I'm 60 years old and I'm pregnant, right then I would need a drink. Yeah? So again, I counsel my clients have the experimental mindset. Go to a networking event, a holiday party, and, you know, go to the bar first or wherever. Get your club soda with a splash of crayon and lime and a pretty glass, right? Have something in your hand. First of all, notice, if anybody even notices that there's not alcohol, I can probably say you'll be at the end of the night. You're like, Huh? Nobody really knew, right? So you don't really have to declare this. Now, of course, if someone walks up to you, which happens at a lot of parties, and there's a tray of wine or alcohol, and then they say, here, would you like one? You could just say, you know, not, right? Now, I'm going to get a glass of water, right? You're lengthening, you're delaying. Again, same tactic, and again, you are noticing how you feel, because usually it's that first 1520, minutes of an event, a party, that there's that awkwardness. Because we all go to that because it's sort of like an icebreaker, and it gives us all something to talk about, and we rush to the bar. So mindfulness again, before you went to that party, make sure you had some protein, you had some hydration, even if there's food at the party, just try this. It's an experiment. All this is like curiosity, and notice how you feel. But if you do have somebody that says, Well, why aren't you drinking? You do not need to tell your life story. You do not need to write, not at all, you know. So just say, you know. Hey, I'm, you know what? I'm doing this detox with Dr, Sarah, right? And, and, yeah, I really want to get my money's worth. Like, you could say that right, right? You could just say, you know, I haven't eaten yet, or I'm the designated driver. You can say whatever you want, yeah, and, or

Sara Poldmae: 16:53

just ask them. Why are you asking? Well, because the pushback, I want you everybody remember this, and you and I have talked about this. If someone pushes back and says, Well, come on, have a drink. Know that that's never about you. No, definitely not. Yeah, it's never about you. It and sometimes we can leap to thinking it's about their own alcohol issues or whatever. But honestly, there's just some people out there that are pushy, that don't like no as an answer, and it might have nothing to do with alcohol. They just might be those overbearing, annoying people. And again, that's not about you, it's about the other person.

Maureen Benkovich: 17:26

So yeah, and some people are hostesses or hosts, and they think, I have to offer alcohol, right? So I work with a lot of people are like that. I'm like, well, let's, let's ask that. Is that true, right? So it's a, it's a curiosity experiment for you to pick a night, pick a party, and say, let me see what this is like without alcohol, right? You're not saying I'm never going to drink. You're just trying something because you could have all the intellectual knowledge in the world about alcohol and know maybe you should cut back. But unless you try it and take your central nervous system through the experiment and experience it, that's how you have neuroplasticity. That's how you start developing a new habit. Oh, I don't have to drink at every event, right? And then you follow through with the next morning when you didn't drink and wake up. And I want, I want people to ask themselves, do I wish I drank last night? Yeah. No one would say, yeah. Do you wake up saying, Man, I wish I drank last night? And if you do, that's a whole nother conversation, right? But most people, I mean, 99% of the people I work with, say no. And you know what? I felt, I felt so proud of myself, and actually, I noticed a lot of things at the party. I was engaged in conversation more, I was listening better, and there is some awkwardness. I'm not gonna lie, the first few times you try this, yes, because it's something different than most likely, what you've been doing for years. That's where my self compassion and curiosity piece comes in. Well, okay, let me just keep going down this road tonight and notice,

Sara Poldmae: 18:48

yeah, I love that, and I definitely want to talk more about your coaching program that starts in the new year. But first, before we move on to that, I'd love to ask you what your favorite myth to bust is about drinking less and something women really need to hear going into the holidays that we haven't covered yet.

Maureen Benkovich: 19:09

I think the biggest one is, how will I have fun? Will I have fun? Will I be fun? I mean, and again, you won't know unless you try and take your central nervous system through the experiment. And that's how I help with, you know, accountability, mindfulness tactics that we talk about, so that you can wake up the next day and go, Oh, I actually did have fun. That is how you learn. So that is, like the biggest myth. But also, if someone knowingly, and I didn't know for the longest time until I took a break, because when you take a break, you start to see all the ways, all the roles you've given alcohol. I was socially anxious. I mean, clearly not in a one on one, or public speaking or anything, but when I go to a party, I just don't like small talk, and I would use alcohol to help me be sort of chatty. And, you know, talk to me. People. So noticing that and learning, relearning how to do those things is all part of the experiment. But if you've been drinking like I was since I was 14, I never learned how to have fun without it, so you're doing something new. So just know, yeah, it might feel awkward at first, but you are teaching your brain something new, like any other thing that's new, it takes a little practice.

Sara Poldmae: 20:23

Yeah, I love that. So tell us a little bit more about the coaching program that you have starting. I think you said it started January 12, yeah.

Maureen Benkovich: 20:32

So it's going to start the week of the 12th. I give people a little time to, you know, recover from the entire month of of drinking quite a bit, and sort of start wrapping their mind around. This is when most people start thinking, Okay, I've been drinking for over a month straight, and I really don't want to go into January continuing the same pattern, and so I want to take a break, but I don't know how. So I offer this six week reset, and I have a plan that I've developed called the 4r method, so it's recognize, replace, rewire and renew, and it has to do with neuroplasticity and alcohol and understanding how it affects brain chemistry. But also, I do try to make it fun too, so I don't want you to be scared. But the first, right? So the first, first week is about recognizing all the roles that we give alcohol. And so people who are listening now, they can even start even start thinking about that. Now, a lot of people give it the role of, well, I'm lonely, I'm bored, I'm tired, I need a little energy. I used to get energized by alcohol. So starting to identify the roles really helps some people. It's their friend because they're lonely. So think about those kind of things. But the coaching is a six week program, the first week, and I want everybody to hear this. I don't ask you to stop drinking alcohol. This is where we become really mindful, notice the patterns, understand a little bit about where we're going then for the next 30 days, so the next four weeks, right? Addition, yeah, next four weeks is actually going through the 30 day of no alcohol together with a group. And we have weekly group coaching calls, and you have a digital video course that I've created where you have a little video snippet for me every day and a little bit of homework, because this helps reinforce the new brain chemistry, the new neural pathways, and helps you learn while you're taking a break from alcohol. And it goes through everything from brain to body to resources, to things you can do to replace it builds each week on each other, and then the last week, we talk about, okay, what did you learn? How what would you like to do moving forward, if you're moving back into moderation, what red flags are you going to look for? What will you implement if you find yourself ramping right back up where you don't want to be. So it's a really nice six week break. You need to give your body and your brain at least that much of a break, for your body and your brain to start healing, for your sleep to get better, for your gut to get better, right? For your energy to get better, and for you to notice. So that's why I pick a six week time frame.

Sara Poldmae: 23:01

And I love I love the timing of it, and I love the timing of our discussion right now for a few reasons. Obviously the holiday reason, where there's just so much alcohol being shoved in our faces with hosts and hostesses that mean well, but are trying to keep refilling your glass. So I love it for that reason. But as a healthcare provider, the other reason that I love it is we call winter the cold and flu season, and there's reasons why. Obviously, being indoors more you will be more susceptible to colds and flus and germs because you're sharing space with other people. The air is not filtered like it is outside, but it's also the sugar and alcohol season, and so if we can cut back on our sugar a little bit, that's going to help, certainly, to boost our immunity. But alcohol, that's the real key. Because not only does alcohol lower your immunity in and of itself, but it also disrupts sleep. And if I had to pick one thing for people to do to boost their immunity during the cold and flu season, it would be to sleep well, and you cannot do that while you're drinking alcohol. So just throwing that out there, I will get off of my soapbox.

Maureen Benkovich: 24:07

Well, it's really important to understand the difference between sedation and sleep. Yeah, so alcohol sedates you, and it really wrecks your REM cycle, spikes and crashes your blood sugar increases, hot flashes, sharpens, mood swings all you know, during the holiday season, which are already, you know, very thin. So again, a single night of drinking for women in midlife and beyond, can echo for days. Corona ramifications. And then, if you're drinking day after day, the ramifications extend that much longer. It's huge. There's a term called sleep hygiene now that's very popular. Everybody's having wearing the wearable technology, and they're seeing their HRV and how they're sleeping. I would challenge any one of you who have wearable technology, notice the difference in your HRV on the nights that you drink and the nights that you don't. That's just real data, right? We're removing any emotion out of it, like I have a problem. Them or whatever, and just taking a look at the data of what alcohol really does to your system and to your sleep.

Sara Poldmae: 25:06

Yeah, and I'll expand on that a bit in my next episode, because I really want to again like this is not coming from a sobriety coach on my end, but it's coming from a sobriety coach on your end. There is just nothing out there that states that alcohol is good for you in any way, shape or form, physically. So coming back again to that six week program, we will put the link to that program in the show notes. And we're also going to put a link because Maureen is coming to my clinic in Annapolis at the beginning of January, the first Monday after the New Year, which is the sixth, the fourth,

Maureen Benkovich: 25:47

back and forth. But yeah, it gives you enough time to recover from the New Year. Yeah, come to our talk. You'll understand a lot more about what I do. Also, we'll be having a special offer for those, yeah, who come and who want to join my six week reset, which would start the next week. And Dr Sarah also has a special offer for you. So yeah, like, come on in. I would love, I love to talk about samples.

Sara Poldmae: 26:09

You'll have some mocktail II type stuff and all sorts of stuff. So Monday, the fifth at my Annapolis clinic for all of you local ladies. But again, that this program is virtual, that you'll start the six week program. So if you're not in Annapolis, I don't want you to think you can't work with Maureen, because you still can, and you still should if you feel like you need it, because she's amazing, super accessible, non judgmental. There's so many good things I can say about working with Maureen and just a lovely, delightful person who it is your it is your life work. I can tell by the way you talk about it. So reach out to her. You don't have to wait until January, but you will have a couple of opportunities in January. Yeah.

Maureen Benkovich: 26:54

Well, thank you for saying all that. I do really care, because I was a person. I am a person who has always cared about my health as a former personal trainer, but I was ignoring this one big elephant in the room. Yeah. And once you understand the truth of that, and if you're especially, and I think most of us are concerned about longevity, brain health, insulin resistance, all those things, you need to take a look at this piece of what you're really putting in your body,

Sara Poldmae: 27:17

100% Well, thank you so much for jumping on with me, Maureen. And again, all of your links will be in the show notes. I really hope people reach out to you and thank you. And I hope everybody here has a happy, healthy holiday season.

Maureen Benkovich: 27:29

Yeah. Me too. Thank you. Dr, Sarah, thanks for absolutely foreign.