Perspectives of Pain, Grace's Story: An Addict for a Mom (Part 1)

This episode is the first of its kind for us, where someone shares their story about growing up with a parent who was a drug addict.  Grace shares some very powerful and emotional memories, and she gives some great insight into what it's like for kids who grow up with parents dealing with addiction and incarceration.  

Transcript

Grace: 0:00

And, I think, it started to get bad, probably, fourth grade. That was when I was, like, made fun of the most. Because of what had happened with my family. And I think that it cause everyone was like if she loved you, then why would she be in jail? And I think that was the biggest thing that has stuck with me. Because I think it just put the thought in my head. It's why? Like, why would she? Like, why would she be in jail if she loved me? And it was like, it was almost like a mind game for me. Because it was like, I'd hear all these things about my mom. And it's obvious it's from kids that don't even know her. You've never met my mom. So it was hard for me to understand that growing up that they were just talking to get to me. But I took that really hard. People would be like why would she pick that over her kid? And I would be like Wow, like I don't know Like I don't know who like, I don't know why she would that's not me But yeah, I think it just like really caused a lot of bullying for me And that was when I like seriously started to like You I have a lot of questions in my head because I didn't know what to think.

Phil Shuler: 1:03

HellO, and welcome to Renew, Restore, Rejoice, the Safe House Ministries podcast, where we share stories of the power of God to change lives through Safe House Ministries. Safe House Ministries is based out of Columbus, Georgia, and we are a ministry that exists to love and serve people who have been affected by addiction, homelessness, and incarceration. I'm your host, Phil Shuler, the Director of Development for Safe House Ministries here in Columbus, Georgia. Safe House serves over 1, 100 people each month as they transition back into our community. Safe House provides an abundance of services including 213 beds for homeless individuals and families, case management for obtaining job skills and long term employment. Over 300 hot meals every day, free clothing, and so much more. One of the most incredible services that Safe House provides is our free 9 12 month intensive outpatient substance abuse program, which is state licensed, CARF accredited, and has no wait list. Almost 100 percent of individuals staying in our shelters who follow our three phase program become fully employed within a few months. And 68 percent of individuals who stay at least one night with us End up finding work and moving into their own home. Thank you for being with us today and listening to our podcast. We hope you enjoy this week's episode.

Phil: 2:15

Good morning. This morning on the podcast, I have Something really special, a treat. We've got a young lady here. Her name is Grace. And this podcast will be a little different than the usual podcast. Our standard podcast format is individuals who have gone through homelessness or addiction or incarceration or all of the above. Where they share their stories of just how they were raised and growing up and the darkness they embraced. And how they embraced it. The consequences they faced and then just their path of darkness to light. But today, Grace is a young lady who has experienced it from the other perspective. She was the daughter of someone who has been on our podcast and shared her story, Kristie. I think the name of the podcast is Kristie the Redeemed. But Kristie shared her story of just being in the darkness and making bad decisions and being in addiction. And as a result when she had grace, just not really being able to be a mom like she should have been. And that affected Grace's life. And Grace is here this morning to just share her story of what it was like being born into that and her journey to this point now. How old are you now, Grace?

Grace: 3:34

Sixteen.

Phil: 3:34

Awesome. Thank you for being willing to be here this morning. I'm excited. And Grace, I'll start out similar to how I do with everybody else. If there was one word that would best describe you, what would that word be?

Grace: 3:47

I think the word that best describes me is optimistic.

Phil: 3:51

Optimistic, that's good. What do you mean when you say that? Why would you say that?

Grace: 3:55

So I guess we'll just jump right into it because I feel like it explains. When I was growing up and I was like maybe middle age where I understood what was happening and it was just like going back and forth between empty promises and saying that she would change and then she wouldn't. I think part of me wanted to quit believing her that she would change and I just wanted to think that she doesn't care. But then. When she got into the the 12 step program, that was when I started to believe in her. But I always believed and I hoped that she would change, but I just didn't know. But, obviously, I was trying to be optimistic about the situation.

Phil: 4:29

Yeah. Yeah. You were young. What do you, what are your earliest memories of your mom and where you lived and your family? What are your earliest memories?

Grace: 4:40

Earliest memory is probably at one of the houses I lived in with her. And it was like a stepdad situation and that was when my little sister was like a baby. But it was like we would listen to the What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger song in the car. Yeah. All of us. Yep.

Phil: 5:04

Okay, so Bailey was a baby at that point? Yeah. You're about five years older than her?

Grace: 5:09

Yeah. Five years.

Phil: 5:11

Okay. So what was your relationship like with Bailey like from that point like as a big sister?

Grace: 5:17

I don't really think I understood what to do with Bailey because Bailey was really tiny. And I was also tiny, so I didn't really know what to do with her. Yeah. But obviously, she would like, roll around and play on the floor. And I'd just sit there and watch TV while she was doing that. And Mom would be doing something else. Yeah. But it's at that point, I didn't really like, I don't know, because at five years old you don't really understand the concept of a new baby. You're right. So it's I didn't know what to do.

Phil: 5:41

Yeah.

Grace: 5:42

But I tried to be there.

Phil: 5:43

Okay. What are some of your memories from that point, as you grew a little bit? Six, seven, eight, nine?

Grace: 5:50

So We were still in that house, I think. But That was when the whole situation between my mom and like the stepdad situation, that was when I started to realize that it was like, it was kind of like, bad for both of them. Because, I would lay upstairs and I would be in my bed, and then, you could hear them like fighting back and forth, like during the night, and you'd be well, why are they fighting? Like, why are you, why are they doing that? But then I also remember that we moved a little bit, but we moved to a different area. And at that point, it was just me, my mom, and my sister. And, my mom had started to become weird. Not like weird, but like in a weird, in a way where she'd be like, I'll be outside, I'll be outside, don't come out there, I'll come back in a little bit. Obviously at that point I didn't understand what was going on, because I was just like, oh, maybe she wants some fresh air, because I was a child and I didn't know what was going on. I'd be inside and I'd be like watching Bailey, almost. And it would be random, because we'd just be like sitting on the couch, or we'd just be watching TV but if one of us said that we needed Mom, it would be like we can't go get her because she told us not to go out there. It was always like that. Just back and forth. If Mom said that she was going outside, then I would watch Bailey for a little bit until she came back inside

Phil: 7:14

yeah. You would have to figure out what to do. If you guys needed Mom, but you couldn't get Mom you would just have to be the one to figure out how to solve whatever problem was facing you?

Grace: 7:24

Yeah, to a certain point it's not if Bailey said she was hungry, I was gonna go make her food. It wasn't like that. It was more of a I'm cold. I'd grab a blanket. Yeah. It was more like that. It wasn't like

Phil: 7:35

Little easier things.

Grace: 7:36

Yeah. It wasn't anything like crazy.

Phil: 7:38

Okay. Around about how old were you around those kind of times?

Grace: 7:43

seven ish.

Phil: 7:44

Okay. Okay. How about memories of time as it continued on from that point? Would she just do that more often, and then did things get even weirder?

Grace: 7:54

I remember there were a few instances where it would be weird, but it wasn't like, it wasn't like anything crazy where I was like, Whoa, this isn't right. Yeah. But I guess moving forward, it was weird. There, I mean there wasn't ever any really like stepdad situation after the previous person. So it was just me more me, Bailey, and my mom. And it was just it was more like everyday stuff. Bailey would be at daycare, I'd go to school, and mom would be, I don't even know what mom would do. But, It was normal to me because it was like I'd go to school, I'd come back, I'd go to sleep, then I'd do it again. I didn't see anything that was like super out of the norm, or out of the ordinary. Yeah. And that was weird.

Phil: 8:33

Now, what what was your relationship with your grandma at that point?

Grace: 8:37

I think with my grandma it was more like I'd go like, I'd go visit them, but it wasn't like, or I'd stay with them sometimes, but it wasn't like I was, like, always there. But I, I just thought it was, like, normal, because I was close with my grandma.

Phil: 8:50

Yeah. Yeah, so she was always a part of your life. You'd just go spend some time over there, and

Grace: 8:56

Yeah, for the most part. I don't think there was ever a time period where my grandma wasn't in my life.

Phil: 9:01

Okay. All right. What kind of happened from there, as you grew up into your preteen years?

Grace: 9:07

I don't remember exactly how this happened, but I know there was a point in time where I start, me and my little sister started living with my grandparents and I think eventually it came up to the topic that she was in jail, but we didn't, I didn't know why, but Bailey wouldn't know why either. And then I think kinda be confused. I'd be like, why is mom in jail? What did mom do?

Phil: 9:27

So you really had no understanding of the world that she was in, and the things she was doing, and

Grace: 9:33

No, not at all.

Phil: 9:34

Okay.

Grace: 9:35

But, I think when it started I, I didn't really think that I was, like, different or anything. I didn't think that it was, like Out of the ordinary for this to happen to people. Yeah. I think the only time where it started to seriously confuse me is okay, so some schools do like for younger kids. They do like muffins with mom or donuts with dad. But I think it was one of those and I think it was muffins with mom and Grammy showed up, which is my grandma. And after it was over everyone was like, that's your mom. Why is she so old? It was like, no, it's my grandma. My mom can't be here because she's in jail, but obviously I didn't understand that jail was like a bad thing. So it was more like I was being open about it, but I didn't really understand what it meant. Yeah. And obviously when you're, I'm okay. I went to private school from when I was like nine months old in daycare up until when I was about to start eighth grade. Wow. So growing up in private school, my class was probably 40 when I was younger and it was probably about 30 when I cut out. But, obviously, you get to know all these people. They know all about you. They know everything about you. They know what you've been through. They know everything. And, I think, it started to get bad, probably, fourth grade. That was when I was, like, made fun of the most. Because of what had happened with my family. And I think that it cause everyone was like if she loved you, then why would she be in jail? And I think that was the biggest thing that has stuck with me. Because I think it just put the thought in my head. It's why? Like, why would she? Like, why would she be in jail if she loved me? And it was like, it was almost like a mind game for me. Because it was like, I'd hear all these things about my mom. And it's obvious it's from kids that don't even know her. You've never met my mom. So it was hard for me to understand that growing up that they were just talking to get to me. But I took that really hard. But, Bailey Bailey didn't go through any of that because she was still really little.

Phil (2): 11:33

Yeah.

Grace: 11:34

But it just caused, it caused a whole bunch of bullying for me and it caused a whole bunch of self doubt in my head. Yeah. Because I thought the empty promises. It was. It was. And I think at this point I had started to learn like what was happening Because I knew she smoked cigarettes, but I didn't realize what like they were Yeah, so it was like People would be like why would she pick that over her kid? And I would be like Wow, like I don't know Like I don't know who like, I don't know why she would that's not me But yeah, I think it just like really caused a lot of bullying for me And that was when I like seriously started to like You I have a lot of questions in my head because I didn't know what to think.

Phil: 12:11

Yeah. How did you deal with that? What did you end up doing? Or how did you just

Grace: 12:16

I ended up in therapy. I think I was in therapy for a year or two. At least with this one family counselor. But, It was even then, I was still seven ish, so I didn't really understand the concept of therapy but it was like, I'd have to reenact scenarios with dolls in a dollhouse to explain what I would go through to this lady but it would be like, I don't I don't know if I seriously took it serious enough as it was when I was in therapy. Because it would be like, oh, I just mess around and I'd play with the dolls, but Because I didn't I also don't think I really knew how to express my feelings At that age because I was also going through a lot Because I don't like I wouldn't consider myself like crazy different from other people, but I would definitely say that i've been through different Experiences than other people that kind of set me out.

Phil (2): 13:08

Yeah,

Grace: 13:08

but I don't know, the therapy, it was just I think I took it as more of a joke when it should have been more serious, but I don't think that I knew what therapy was for me.

Phil: 13:17

Okay do you feel like the therapy was a help?

Grace: 13:20

I think I stopped seeing that therapist for a while, and then I got back into it, and then I saw somebody different, but then I didn't like them. So I pulled back out, and then the bullying would get worse. And I wouldn't know how to deal with it. So I'd be like, Hey, I want to go back to therapy. So then we'd find me a different therapist and then they would do something that I didn't like. So then it would be like, no, I need somebody else. And then the last therapist that I went to it was it makes me shut down almost because I don't like talking about my feelings because I feel like my view on therapist, I feel like most therapists. They're paid to judge you on your feelings. That's how I feel about therapy because that's like what I've experienced But it's I don't like The last therapist I had it was more of like a breathing coach than it was a therapist And it was like, yeah, like You can breathe to calm down, but it wasn't necessarily the calming down part that I needed. It was more of the Okay, so how did this make you feel and why do you think it made you feel like that? How can we work on getting better so you don't react like that in the future? But it's just like Therapy is okay to me I'd rather deal with it on my own or write it down than talk to a therapist because every time i've been to a therapist it Hasn't helped like at all.

Phil: 14:40

Yeah So you have a journal like writing things down. Does that help you just express? Work through and process maybe your emotions

Grace: 14:49

I do have a journal, but it's more I don't like writing it like every day, it's more of a, when something happens that upsets me, I'll write it down. And I've done a really good job because I didn't want my parents to find it and they still haven't found it.

Phil: 15:02

Oh. Alright. How would you say you approach, Processing all of that. Obviously as you grew older, you began to understand a little bit more. When you started really understanding what was going on, how did that hit you?

Grace: 15:18

Okay, so I think when I was like the age of what I really understood what was going on, was when she was in the process of moving forward. But, obviously If she would get arrested, it would be more of from what I knew, I thought it would be more of Oh, she hit somebody in the back of the car. She hit another car. From the back. There we go. And, I always thought it was just stuff like that. Yeah I didn't realize that it was like, still drugs. But, How do I process that? I feel like, honestly, at that point, that was when I really just started to bottle it up. And not want to talk about it because I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody about it because it was my feelings and my problems. Yeah. And obviously my friends, they didn't understand what was going on. They didn't know anything about my situation because it was my situation. And it was like, I didn't feel comfortable telling anyone. Because I already go to school with all these people and they're judgmental for what I've been through, so why would I feel comfortable to open up to you? But Processing it, I really just dealt with it alone. I didn't find anything to help me fix it. Yeah. Or I didn't find a way that could help me express it any of that. I just sucked it up and dealt with it on my own.

Phil: 16:29

Okay. How old were you around then, when you really started to understand?

Grace: 16:32

Probably 11 or 12.

Phil: 16:35

Okay. Okay did you have other friends at school, or anywhere, that had similar life experiences or anybody that really might have been able to understand or they all came from different worlds and they wouldn't have never understood anything like that

Grace: 16:53

the only person that I like actively knew that was had dealt with the same thing as me was a girl in the grade younger than me. I think her dad was on this podcast. Jordan. Oh. But, we were like, we were friends for a while, but we'd never like, talked about it. But it was just like a mutual understanding of like I understand you. But it was never like something where we like seriously talked about how it was. But I feel like it was more just like a mutual I'm here. If you want to talk, I'm here. But yeah, it was, we were friends for a while and then we just stopped talking. But, now, in public school, okay, when I moved in 8th grade to public school 8th grade, I feel like it opened more doors for me, because obviously I'm going from a class of 30 kids to a class of 200 kids, and I think it opened more doors for me to meet more people, and I think I definitely found some people who understand what it's like, and they've been through that situation. So I definitely feel like it opened some doors, but it was, like, nothing to the point where it was as extreme as I've been through. Yeah. Until, up until this year, my sophomore year, I thought I really didn't have any friends. And then I met my best friend now, who we pretty much have been through pretty much pretty similar stuff, but it's like both of us, I think we find comfort in each other because we're able to talk about it and not feel judged because we've both through that, been through that situation. So we both know how each other feel. But now if you tell me to express my feelings, the first person I'm talking to is my best friend because I wouldn't say she was there, but it's almost like she was, because she's experienced it all with her parents. Yeah. And she's in a similar situation where she's live, she lives with her grandma. It's that's like me, in a different font. That is literally me. So it's I just if I ever need to talk about how I feel about something or something that happened, I just go to her because she knows how it is. She tells me what I need to hear and not what I want to hear. Yeah. That's probably How I like process it and express it, but now I've started to move on because I used to think that what my mom did affected me and that was going to define who I was but now I'm like starting to realize like What she does not define me Like I am my own person Like yeah, she's done stuff, but she's left it in the past like I can move forward and I know that I have closure because My mom is very open with her story. If you ask her, she will tell you. That's who my mom is. But, now I feel like, I don't regret having the experience. Cause I think it made me, it shaped me into who I am today. Obviously, I like, I can sympathize with people who have been there. Who have been in that situation of like Why does my family do me like that? Like, why do they not care enough to get clean, stay off drugs, and love me as their kid? But now it's more just like of, if somebody needs to talk to me about a situation like that, I'm there. If you want to talk to me about it, I'm here. But now it's more of people know what I've been through, but they just have enough respect for me to just not ask about it. But, yeah. That's pretty much it right now.

Phil: 20:10

Okay. How old were you when you went to go live full time with your Grammy?

Grace: 20:14

Probably full time maybe five.

Phil: 20:18

Okay, so young.

Grace: 20:20

Yeah. Real young.

Phil: 20:21

Yeah. Yeah then Bailey, as soon as Bailey came on the scene, she was from being a baby, pretty much with you guys, too? Yeah. Or was that a little, like she came a little later?

Grace: 20:32

Not maybe one.

Phil: 20:33

Okay.

Grace: 20:34

Cause I remember in the previous house that we were in with just me and my sister and my mom, I know that Bailey was really little at that house. Yeah, five or six and Bailey was one maybe.

Phil (2): 20:45

Okay, yeah.

Phil: 20:46

When you began to understand what was going on, you said that was about the time that your mom started to turn the corner and get away from that and get clean and

Grace: 20:56

Yeah, so at the point where it was like all changing, it was more of it was like my mom would talk about it. She'd be like, So there's this program. And it's it's 12 steps. And they, she gets to live in a house with other people that are going through it. And they it was more just like explaining to me what the program was. And I was like that's whatever. She can do it if she wants. It's not gonna help. Nothing's helping her. She's been through it all. Nothing's changing. And I think it was at that point where I had shut down on my mom. And I quite literally wanted nothing to do with her. I know when she got out, I like, she was like, can I come see the kids? And I was like, I don't want to see you because at that point I had shut down because I genuinely thought that nothing was going to help her. And it was just going to be like that for the rest of my life. And then I was like, okay, whatever. She can do the program. I don't care. Like whatever it's whatever at this point. And then my mom had started the program and I remember the day we dropped her off. And I was looking around and I was like, I don't, how is this gonna help? And then, I remember it was kinda whatever to me, we'd see her on weekends it would be okay. She got a job, which wasn't like a step up, it was an improvement. And then, I think it was, So I started to notice progress, and her being better. And she would talk about how she was like, two weeks, a month clean, and it would be like, Okay, that's a start we're getting there. And then, I remember at her graduation from the program, I don't, they asked me to talk, because obviously I'm the kid They always want the kids, or the parents to talk, of the person. I remember I stood up, and I just started bawling my eyes out. Cause, number one, that was a big, like a packed room. But because now when I look back on that situation, I was so harsh on my mom when my mom was genuinely trying to get better, but she was stuck in a cycle of where she couldn't. And, it was like I stood up and it was like, I just bawled my eyes out. And then I remember like the only thing like I said was that like I love her.

23:03

That is the end of part, one of Grace's story. You will not want to miss next week for part two, Because grace shares so much more. Including some advice that she gives to others. You might be dealing with some of the same things that she had to deal with as she was growing up. Thank you again for being with us this week, and God bless you. We will see you next week

Phil Shuler: 23:26

We look forward to being with you again next week as we share another testimony about the power and the goodness of God to change lives through Safe House Ministries. if you are someone listening to this podcast that loves to hear these stories of the great things that God is doing in changing people's lives for the better, and if you would like to be a part of that work, please reach out to us You can reach us at 2101 Hamilton Road, Columbus, Georgia, 31,904. You can call us at seven oh six three two two. 3 7, 7 3, or you can email us at info@safehouse-ministries.com.

Microphone (Samson Q2U Microphone)-2: 24:04

Thank you so much for being with us this week for the renew restore and rejoice podcast of safe house ministries, we pray that God will bless you this week. And we look forward to having you back with us again next week for a new episode.