Renew. Restore. Rejoice. A SafeHouse Ministries Podcast

Why Do Domestic Abuse Victim's Stay With Their Abusers? Why is it So Hard for Them to Leave? - Brandy Finley's Story (Part 2)

• Phil Shuler • Season 3 • Episode 18

Share episode

This episode gives a powerful glimpse into the reality that domestic abuse victims face, and it gives deep insight into why it is so difficult for those victims to leave their abusers.  This is an episode that will deepen your understanding and give you valuable insight that you can use to be a help to others.  Please share this episode and help us spread this knowledge that can be a help to many others.

In this episode of. Brandi's story. She dives deep into what she experienced in the way of domestic abuse. Abuse started for her in childhood, and it continued into adulthood, and she was in multiple abusive relationships psychologically, physically, just. Really, really rough and tough and very bad relationships. Brandi really opens up. She shares so much, and this episode will really be. And a great episode to open up your understanding of what the world of domestic abuse looks like. So I encourage you to just listen and, uh, take some time to think through some of the things that Brandy is saying, and please share this episode with others as well. I think it would help our society so much if other people could gain a better understanding of. What domestic abuse looks like and why it's so difficult for the victims to leave those situations. I think it can be a help to those of us who come into contact with or know some people that might be in those situations, and it really will help us to understand better how we can help them. I hope you enjoy this episode and hope you'll consider sharing it.

Phil Shuler:

HellO, and welcome to Renew, Restore, Rejoice, the Safe House Ministries podcast, where we share stories of the power of God to change lives through Safe House Ministries. Safe House Ministries is based out of Columbus, Georgia, and we are a ministry that exists to love and serve people who have been affected by addiction, homelessness, and incarceration. I'm your host, Phil Shuler, the Director of Development for Safe House Ministries here in Columbus, Georgia. Safe House serves over 1, 100 people each month as they transition back into our community. Safe House provides an abundance of services including 213 beds for homeless individuals and families, case management for obtaining job skills and long term employment. Over 300 hot meals every day, free clothing, and so much more. One of the most incredible services that Safe House provides is our free 9 12 month intensive outpatient substance abuse program, which is state licensed, CARF accredited, and has no wait list. Almost 100 percent of individuals staying in our shelters who follow our three phase program become fully employed within a few months. And 68 percent of individuals who stay at least one night with us End up finding work and moving into their own home. Thank you for being with us today and listening to our podcast. We hope you enjoy this week's episode.

Brandy:

we had a good marriage until we didn't Yeah. You know, until Brandy kicked in, Brandy had another fit, another, you know, just life happens. Yeah. And, and brand didn't And he was the one

Phil:

you were married for six years with? Yeah. Okay. Okay. So he, he was, he was a good or stable relationship, but when your father died, you went off the cliff and everything fell apart in your life. And then he had to, he had to pull away. Yeah. From that. Okay. So he's got all three of your kids. Yeah. Where are you at emotionally and mentally and physically at this time then?

Brandy:

There I had a short bout of homelessness Around this time. Yeah. Um, in seal or in, in just here, in Columbus. Okay. Here in Columbus. Just living on the streets or in the woods or, yeah, I was on the, in the streets. I'd gotten involved with somebody else and Oh, that was a whole nother disaster. Again, no domestic violence, but just, I think I was seeking something to take away the pain.

both:

Yeah.

Brandy:

And your drugs and alcohol at this time? Yeah, I started, started drinking I was using marijuana. I got arrested for

Phil:

shoplifting. Yeah. So trying to, you were shoplifting trying to just'cause you're homeless trying to, didn't find some money to I didn't, yeah,

Brandy:

well, I just didn't care anymore. Yeah. That was the, some people get that high from using, I would get that high from shoplifting that when stress, when I get stressed out, get anxious. Thrill of, of maybe getting

Phil:

caught or trying to get away with something or, yeah.

Brandy:

I think it's more of, it relieves the anxiety. It relieves the anxiety. Whatever is released in the brain at that point in time, it relieves the anxiety.

both:

Wow.

Brandy:

I don't know what it is. I can't tell you the science of it.

Phil:

So you think it kind of went along with the mental illness

Brandy:

piece? Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

Phil:

Which the drinking I'm sure compounded right?

Brandy:

I got a plea offer for DRC, which is Daily Reporting Center, which is like a state run outpatient rehab.

both:

Yeah.

Brandy:

So I got involved in that. Were you still homeless or where, where were I, when I got outta jail, I went to the Trinity House.

Phil:

Okay. So that was your first exposure to Safe House Ministries?

Brandy:

Yes,

Phil:

it was my first exposure.

Brandy:

Okay. Um, at the time, chap was the chaplain in the jail.

Phil:

Did you, had you met him in the jail? Yes. Yes. Okay. So you met chaplain Neil in the jail? Yes. That's how I

Brandy:

learned

Phil:

about Trinity House. Okay. So, which

Brandy:

was at the time was the women's shelter. Yes. So, um, I lived at the Trinity House. I went through the Daily Reporting Center and through the aftercare classes. I moved out of the Trinity House and moved in with my mom and stepdad. I did well for a while. I did well for a while. Chap asked me to come work for him. I was running the, I was the housing manager over. The Grace House and the Trinity house.

Phil:

Okay, so at the men's and women's shelter at that time?

Brandy:

Yeah. Yeah. I was doing pretty well and then, oh. And then, you know, it always rears its ugly head when you don't deal with something. Yeah. I mean, that's just 40, 40, 20 20. There was a root

Phil:

issue that had not been dealt with. Had, even though you were doing well, there was still an underlying danger that was there.

Brandy:

Right. So I met this guy and we began a relationship. Always a guy, isn't it? Always, always a guy. Wow.

Phil:

I guess always looking to find and be with the wrong something to fill. Yeah. That void inside. Yeah. Okay. So this guy enters the picture. Yeah. And then what happens?

Brandy:

All chaos ensued. Oh wow. He was on drugs. He got me on drugs. So more than marijuana now.

Phil:

Okay, so lots, just diving deeper into marijuana. And we Are you, so you had gotten clean? Yeah, I clean done with the marijuana into drugs. Clean.

Brandy:

I was clean at this time. Okay. I'd been clean for like six, seven years.

Phil:

And then,

Brandy:

so what did, what did you Meth begin meth.

Phil:

Wow. Meth. So now meth enters the picture. Yeah.

Brandy:

And in the beginning it was more of, he pushed me to use and then towards the middle part. And at the end it was like I had to use to, just to make it through. It was a very violent, volatile, toxic relationship.

Phil:

Abusive and, yes,

Brandy:

very abusive.

Phil:

And so you were, you were staying high on meth just to be, be able to Just to survive. Yeah.

Brandy:

Wow. Just to survive. I got involved in a lot of things I shouldn't have. I was shoplifting, I was just, I was outta control. Wow. Do you remember some of the craziest things that happened during that time? Probably some of the craziest things were just the it, because it starts out, it always starts out with a push or a shove or a hit, and then it just escalates. So I think one of the, one thing that I remember was just, I mean, there's so many, I just, I'm trying to narrow it down to just one. Um, I think the worst was when I lost my vision. He punched me in the throat when this one detached, when this one detached, he was holding me against the wall and when he let me go, I ran and I ran into some where he had spilled water in the floor and I spun around, hit the table, and it detached this retina.

Phil:

So your both, so both your right and left eye retinas were detached? Yeah. In that one. I guess, uh, night or that one time? No. So two. No, it was, it was separate times.

Brandy:

Yeah. Two separate instances. Wow. I know. What are the odds that it would happen with this one and then turn around and happen later with this one?

both:

Wow.

Brandy:

So I, at this point, you know, I'm, without the majority of my vision, I have very minimal vision. So you're almost physically blind. Right. I'm still with him even through it all. I keep going back and going back and going back. Just staying high on the meth through it all. Yes. And I'm trying to figure out why I'm doing this. Why, what can I do? I got arrested for shoplifting and the DA offered me a deal. She said you have to spend six months in the Department of Corrections and then you'll get 10 years probation for the, like

Phil:

prison for six months and then 10 years

Brandy:

probation. Yeah. So I was like, I'm asking you for help. I'm asking you for help. I know I have a lengthy history with shoplifting. I know that, but I can go to prison, I can do the time, but when I get out, what has gonna have changed? Nothing. I'll go back to this relationship. I already know. I know me well enough to know I need help. So mental health court, I reached out to them.

Phil:

Now, what made you think about going to mental health court? Like was it, did the someone bring it up and say, you should try this, it might be a help or

Brandy:

No. One of the charges, um, my misdemeanor charges of shoplifting. I wanna say 2015, I had gotten involved in mental health court because when you go in and you go to plea your case, or you know, say plead guilty or not guilty or whatever, um, they always ask you, is there anything I should know? And I'm always like, I'm mental health because I want'em to know I'm mental health just for the simple fact. Then I need you to know that I need my medication, I need my treatment.

both:

Yeah.

Brandy:

Because that's what I'm thinking. But the, that, that's what led to me getting involved in mental health court because they see the judge always orders a mental health evaluation. Yeah. Every time I go to court. That's the best thing that could have happened to me. Wow. I didn't know at the time. Yeah. I had no idea, but it was the best

Phil:

thing for me. So instead of the six months in prison, they, they put you in the mental health court program? Yes. Okay. What was that like then going through that and where, where did you live at that time? I was living at the Grace House. Okay. So back now to Safe House Ministries

Brandy:

for the second time around. Right. Okay. Well, this is not, I can't tell you how many times I left for like a day, a night and went to the Grace House called Chaff and said, Hey, I need a place to go. Oh, wow. Tell him what's going on. He never turned me away just because of the abuse, the domestic abuse and the craziness. Yeah. There's nights, I, I mean, there's been times I went for a week and slept on the streets just to get away from it. Wow. Because what can you do? You know, I felt like I was safer on the streets than I was in my own home.

Phil:

That is crazy to think'cause wow. Just the trying to wrap my brain around that and understand what that must have been like, because I would. I would not feel safe sleeping in the street. I'd be worried about someone just coming up to me in the middle of the night or whatever. But because of your situation, you felt much safer sleeping on the street Yes. Than being in your own home. Yes.

Brandy:

But you know, I also know we'll give God us props where props are due. He always stood with me. He always protected me. He always sent somebody to feed me. Wow. He always sent somebody to take care of me. Uh, I can't tell you. The people in Columbus, Georgia that reached out to me, you know, if nothing else, but stop and gimme a blanket when it's winter time, nothing else. Stop and feed me. Gimme 20 bucks. Let me go to McDonald's and get me something to eat.

both:

Wow.

Brandy:

You know, I never went without anything, but I would always go back. Wow. I would always go back until mental health court said, no more. We're not letting you go back because. When they or originally let me outta jail, they let me out at night. Well, I couldn't see well enough to get around. I mean, I got around to find a phone and call and say, Hey, come get me. I'm outta jail. Well, then nobody would take me to report. Nobody would take me where I needed to go. So they signed a warrant on me. Imagine that. So when I, so when they let me out the second time, they would not let me out without somebody from the Grace House coming to pick me up. They said, you're going to the Grace House. You're not going back to that situation, to that relationship, that toxicity.

both:

Yeah.

Brandy:

When we said we're gonna help you, we meant we're gonna help you whether you like

Phil:

it or not. Wow. So now, and Grace House was the women's shelter at the time? Yes. Okay. So they, so Grace House welcomed you in. Yes. Drug court said you have to go there, you can't go back to that toxic environment. Yes. Abusive environment. Yes. Okay.

Brandy:

I mean, I was still seeing him. He would come up there to the, to the Grace House, or he would meet me up the road and we would go off together. I mean, he broke my nose once. It's just, they, and they made me press charges. They were like, oh no, you're not coming in here looking like you looking right now. And me not doing nothing about it. And it was hard because I was, they were still trying to get me away from him, and I was trying so hard to stay. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Phil:

What do you think is the, I don't know help us understand, I guess, what's going on in your heart and mind and why you were so drawn to stay, even though you probably, at least in some, at some level, knew it was not the place you should be and you shouldn't be there, but you were still connected and wanted to stay. I think that part of that was,

Brandy:

part of it was my mental illness. Part of it was my, the trauma I've experienced throughout my life with domestic violence and learning from an early age that love must have to hurt for you to be loved. That's what you learned. So

Phil:

you had a, a warped thinking of what love looked like,

Brandy:

right? And so I think that was. All of that in a nutshell was why I kept going back. I can't and on top of that, I've lost my boys. I've lost my daughter. I've failed at every marriage I've ever been in, every relationship I've ever been in, I've failed. I can't fail again. I have to

Phil:

make it work. Wow. Okay. Now I'm, you're really helping me to begin to understand maybe that,'cause I think so often, many people who have not experienced something like that they don't understand and they're so quick to make judgments. You should just leave that situation, you know, why don't you leave that situation and, and even maybe, sometimes hesitant to help because they think, well, you could just make a better decision and get outta that yourself. But you are helping us to understand the powerful. darkness that grips you and makes it so difficult to actually make the decision to get out of those scenarios.

Brandy:

Well, you know, it's easier said than done anyway because it's not just a thought, okay, I can leave. It's following through with that thought and dealing with the emotions and the pain that come with that. Because like I said, I think that fear of failure once more, I can't lose one more person. I love, wow, that was where I was at. That would just crush you too much. I can't live through that again. That was where my thought, where my head was, where my head space was at. Wow. But I didn't realize still, you know, I was just learning through therapy in mental health court how to. Open up and let that trauma out, let myself heal, start healing from that trauma. Yeah.

Phil:

just thinking about domestic abuse I didn't realize this until Chaplain Neil shared it with me. Safe House Ministries, when you go into the winter months and then you come into spring, when Spring gets here, we see an increase in women in particular that are coming into our shelter because, as, because as it gets into spring, they're maybe a little more willing to get out because it's not so like,'cause if you just leave in the domestic situation, in the winter, it's cold and you're, you, you don't wanna live. Living on the streets is bad enough, but if it's freezing and living on the streets. And so as it warms up, maybe there's a little bit of courage that can step in to say, well, at least I'm not gonna freeze to death. And they get out and, and so what Neil has shared is that we see an increase when spring gets here. And maybe the spring season just brings a little more hopefulness as well. I don't know. But it's, it is, you really bring up some fascinating considerations of domestic violence and domestic abuse, and I appreciate you helping us to understand what that looks like and feels like and, and how difficult that is to leave so often.

Brandy:

Yeah. Um, a lot of women and men, they don't leave those situations because of fear. I mean, we take up for the people that abuse us, we. Stand up and say, oh no, he didn't do that. He didn't break my nose, he didn't black my eye. He didn't do this, or she didn't. Especially with men. Men, I can only imagine because it's less acceptable that a woman would abuse a man. Why? You're stronger than her. Why don't you just, I mean, I'm just gonna throw out some of you're stronger than her. Why don't you just leave? Why don't you just push her down? Why don't you just walk out? Um, why can't you be strong enough to leave? Because it's a psychological thing. It's not just a physical thing. Yeah. It's

Phil:

psychological. It's so deep in so many ways. Right. The darkness just grips a hold of you. Yeah. Yeah. And it won't let go. You're right. It's, it's so much more than just physical. Yeah.

both:

Wow.

Brandy:

Because I can take a punch. I can take a punch, but it's not just that. It's the mental. Part that goes along with it. Yeah. Because as soon as you can take a punch and then five minutes later they're apologizing and they love you and it confuses the mind.

both:

Yeah.

Brandy:

That's one of the things that I can honestly say I was in a state of confusion constantly because your actions are showing me one thing and your words are telling me another.

both:

Wow.

Brandy:

The manipulation that's involved.

Phil:

And then of course, anytime you add alcohol drugs into that situation, it just compounds it even more. Exactly. And so now you're in a place where you're, you're clean, you're at Grace House, you're going through the counseling and the mental health court, which really is helping you deal with the root cause. Uh, I mean, so many of the failed relationships, the drug use, the shoplifting, all of those things were symptoms of a deeper root cause with the mental illness and the trauma that hadn't ever been dealt with. And they're helping you now deal with that root cause. So really in a sense though, that you can really start brand new from a place of stability that, that you

Brandy:

never had before. I can be the brandy that I was always meant to be. Yeah. Even though I didn't know who that was, that was another. Just struggle that I had to go through, through this process of healing was how do I find out who I am? Who is the real me? What do I look like?

Phil:

What do I sound like? Wow. I bet that was a strange and surreal place to be. Yeah. It was.

and that is the end of part two of Brandy's story. Wow. What insight into the reality of what it is like to be in the midst of a domestic abuse situation? Brandy shares so much and I really appreciated. What she shared, and it has really helped me to gain a better understanding of what the world of domestic abuse looks like, and I hope it's done the same for you. Next week, Brandi will finish her story. She will share some really great truths that she has learned along the way, and she will share how things turned around and God has brought her so far and brought her to such a good place, and we just praise the Lord and we're so glad for that. Please share this podcast episode. It really can help to. Increase the awareness of domestic abuse and increase the understanding that so many people need to have about what it really is like to be in those situations. And the more we can share this episode and get this Truth and reality and education out. I think it would help so many people in so many scenarios, in so many ways. So thanks for that. Thanks for sharing. Thanks for following and listening to us every week, and we look forward to being back with you again next week. God bless you.

06-21-23 SAFEHOUSE-CH2:

We look forward to being with you again next week as we share another testimony about the power and the goodness of God to change lives through Safe House Ministries. if you are someone listening to this podcast that loves to hear these stories of the great things that God is doing in changing people's lives for the better, and if you would like to be a part of that work, please reach out to us You can reach us at 2101 Hamilton Road, Columbus, Georgia, 31,904. You can call us at seven oh six three two two. 3 7, 7 3, or you can email us at info@safehouse-ministries.com.

Microphone (Samson Q2U Microphone)-2:

Thank you so much for being with us this week for the renew restore and rejoice podcast of safe house ministries, we pray that God will bless you this week. And we look forward to having you back with us again next week for a new episode.