Join me as I discuss my intricate relationship with cosmetics and self-confidence. Engage with my candid conversation as I draw back the curtain on an enduring insecurity—my dark eye circles. I'll share how this physical trait has played a huge role in shaping my self-perception and influencing my relationship with makeup.
Join me as I discuss my intricate relationship with cosmetics and self-confidence. Engage with my candid conversation as I draw back the curtain on an enduring insecurity—my dark eye circles. I'll share how this physical trait has played a huge role in shaping my self-perception and influencing my relationship with makeup.
*For speaking inquiries or for questions or comments on the podcast, contact Nickie at healandgrowwithnickiepodcast@gmail.com
Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice.
Nickie is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast.
This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
Speaker 1:
Well, hello everyone. I'm mixing it up a little bit this week and I'm going to start today's podcast by saying thank you so much for buying me a coffee. Tim Sparks I think you're a three Pete, maybe hey, I really appreciate you, tim, and I appreciate anyone that's been able to drop me a couple of bucks. It's pretty hard to make money doing podcasting. I'm not even really trying to make money, but I do pay for a podcasting host site, and so the money that you've been sending me to buy a coffee is actually paying for the podcasting host site. So, thank you so much. I super duper appreciate all of you.
Speaker 2:
Welcome to Heal and Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kraminga Hill. Here we talk about everything Grief, hope, illness, work, family, tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to Heal and Grow together. I'm so glad you're here. Hey y'all, how are you doing?
Speaker 1:
How's it going? How are you men? How has it been getting the kiddos back to school? I am actually just completely flying high today.
Speaker 1:
This has nothing to do with the podcast, but I told you all that I started a new job a few months ago with an organization called Alive and Kicking and today was our very first day of rehearsal for our new season and, oh, my goodness, it was absolutely amazing for so many different reasons. But I'm just having this moment where I'm realizing that things are just in alignment for me right now and I'm just recognizing it and respecting it and honoring it, because a lot of times I don't feel this way. I don't feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, and right now I do. I feel like I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, not only with Alive and Kicking, but also with Heal and Grow and the podcast. And, yeah, I'm just having this moment of appreciation, of just being super grateful and super aware of like this is a great moment in my life and yay. Okay, moving on, maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Okay, I am a little embarrassed to share this week's story with you, but I'm going to do it. Anyway, this is a story about how I thought that I had healed and grown from something, but I clearly have not.
Speaker 1:
So let me start this off by just saying I love makeup, makeup, cosmetics. I love it. I love it. I love going to the makeup store like Sephora or Ulta or something like that and looking and looking at everything. It's almost like a candy store to me. I love all the different colors. I just I love makeup.
Speaker 1:
And I first started wearing makeup. Well, I officially started wearing makeup when I was let's see, I think it was the summer before seventh grade. But because of all the dancing I did when I was little and recitals and dance competitions and things, I actually wore makeup probably when I was three or four, where I knew that it was a very, very special thing and I couldn't really wear it until I got older, but that this is something that I got to do because of dance class, and I also used to it when my mom used to get ready every morning in the bathroom. I would like sit on the toilet and not when the seat was up. The seat was down. I guess I felt like I needed to clarify that for you. I used to sit on the toilet and watch her put her makeup on and my mom was beautiful and it was just this really wonderful time when she would let me sit and watch her and then sometimes she would give me a little bit of lip gloss or give me a little blusher or something like that. So my mom always wore makeup, so it's just something that was around.
Speaker 1:
I like to make it so much that I actually got a job at Marshall Fields. Do you remember Marshall Fields? Now it's Macy's here, at least in Minneapolis. So I got a job working in the cosmetic section at Marshall Fields. This was a long time ago, maybe 20 years ago, and they I can't believe they did this. I know I asked them about this at the time. The first cosmetic line they put me on was called fashion fair. Fashion fair is strictly for people of color. There is no reason why a white person like me should have been trying to sell fashion fair. But that was the first line they put me on. And then they got wise and they took me off of that. I also sold like Elizabeth Arden, benefit and Chanel and every once in a while when the Chanel people weren't at their counter. I got to sell Chanel and then eventually I landed on the philosophy line and philosophy if you're familiar with it, it doesn't really sell that many cosmetics, it's mostly skincare Anywho's it's.
Speaker 1:
I was really excited to get this job. I spent a lot of time just like doing my makeup. I eventually quit because I hated it, because the job is all about commission and that's just not really my jam. I just wanted to like do people's makeup and talk about makeup and I know this is kind of silly, but I think of like my face as a canvas and makeup as my palette. So I just really love experimenting and that job and I did not mix because it was all about sales and I hated that. I had to like try to push people into buying something that maybe didn't look great on them. In fact, there was one time where I was at the Chanel counter and I was helping someone with their lipstick and.
Speaker 1:
I. She was like I really want to wear this one and you know, would you give me advice? And I said, well, actually I think you'd look better in this other one. And my boss happened to walk by at that exact second and heard me say that and I don't think she liked that very much, although the woman did end up buying the color that I suggested.
Speaker 1:
Anyway, I love makeup, is my point. I wear makeup all the time, and one of the reasons why I wear makeup all the time is that I have very, very dark circles under my eyes. They are purplish. I've had them since I started puberty. I thought it was allergies for a long time. I thought, you know, maybe there was something quote-unquote wrong with me, but nope, it just turns out that I'm a person that has unusually dark circles under my eyes, regardless of how much sleep I've had. And it's been this way since about fourth grade and I've always been incredibly self-conscious about it, especially when I was younger.
Speaker 1:
In sixth grade, I was dating this boy named Brent Buffy, who has since passed. Brent Buffy and I actually dated all through grade school, except for fifth grade, and not continuously, but, you know, maybe like a month or two out of every month or every year, excuse me, including kindergarten. I know that that's crazy. Brent Buffy was a great dude. Anyway, one day I was on the school bus and I had two best friends. They were also enemies, they were frenemies. I don't know if you've ever had relationships like this in your life, but I definitely had them in grade school, where I would have like two or three super-duper close friends and then we would get into fights and it would get ugly and then we would make up and everything would be fine again. So I had two of these friends in sixth grade and we took the bus together and I wore glasses.
Speaker 1:
I got glasses when I was in fifth grade, maybe fifth or sixth grade, not really sure. Anyway, I wore glasses and one of the things that I liked about my glasses is that the bottom part of the frame sort of hit where my dark eye circles were, so it kind of covered up my circles, which I really liked. I could sort of hide behind my glasses. And one day on the bus I took off my glasses to rub underneath my eyes and these two friends were sitting near me and I happened to glance at them when I took my glasses off and I put my glasses back on and they immediately started whispering to each other you know the kind of whispering that you can't hear, but you also don't want to hear because you know it's not good.
Speaker 1:
And we got to school and things were normal and then during recess my boyfriend, brent Buffy, came over to me and he just said hey, I think that you should know that this happened. And he handed me a note and I opened it up and it was a note from my two girlfriends to Brent and it said something, some stuff I don't remember exactly what it is what they said, it was a few sentences. And then it said did you know that Nikki has these horrible purple circles under her eyes? And then they drew a picture of me, like just my head and underneath my eyes. They had drawn in like with their pen, like really heavy underneath my eyes. And he told me about it, which actually, in retrospect, I'm like that was really nice of you to do that.
Speaker 1:
I was, I was crushed. I'll just be real with you. I was crushed. You know, I thought these girls were supposed to be my friends. Obviously they weren't, but like this was a huge insecurity for me and I had never talked to anyone about it, so they didn't know. It was an insecurity for me. So for them to pick up on this and then to like draw a picture of me, I was, yeah, I was crushed. I went home and I told my mom and my mom so sweet, we went out shopping for this. At this time it was new, I don't even know if they have it anymore. It's called Derma Blend and it was like cosmetics for to cover up tattoos or cover up scarring or acne, things like that. It was a really. It was heavy coverage and you had to like mix it yourself. So you had to do all this experimentation of getting the right shade and then mixing it with this, whatever the mixer was, and it was such a pain in the ass to try to do this. A grandad I was you know 12,.
Speaker 1:
Maybe now I would have better luck with it, but it was just really challenging to like mix up this makeup, so I ended up never, ever using it. But the dark circles under my eyes are the reason why I'm never I'm never without makeup. I always, always, always have concealer on, because it's really embarrassing to me and, like I said before, there's nothing that I could do about it. It's just the way that I look. And even when I do use concealer, you can still see that I have circles under my eyes. It's just less. And you know, I know everybody has this to a certain extent, but mine are pretty bad. They're really bad actually, and part of me didn't even want to record this, because now anyone who listens to this is going to hone in under my eyes to see if they think that I have dark circles or not, and then that you know, some of you might say something to me about it, and I really don't want you to. I really don't want you to be like, oh yeah, you really do, or I didn't even notice. I didn't notice, nikki. I just I don't want. I don't want that kind of attention. But throughout the years you know it's been like well, this is my problem and I'll just deal with it. So I do always have concealer on. Even when I have nothing else on, I always have concealer on.
Speaker 1:
So anyway, almost well, let me just. Let me just say this first. Sorry, you're not inside my brain. You're probably like where is she going? Lord knows? Right, it's just something that I live with and I don't really think about it very much because I just take care of it with my concealer. And I saw I haven't thought about it really in years, years. I just don't think about it anymore. It's just something I do. I put on concealer and I definitely thought that like it wasn't a thing anymore. Anyway, turns out that's not true. I had Lasik about two weeks ago and for Lasik and the recovery time, you have to wear no eye makeup for an entire week and I was like, okay, well, this won't be that bad. You know, whatever I just I just won't.
Speaker 2:
I just won't wear it.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, you can't have anything on or near your eyes for a week after the procedure. So I had the procedure done on a Wednesday no makeup that day. Thursday no makeup. Friday no makeup.
Speaker 1:
I come home after work on Friday and Paul says, oh wow, yeah, I can really tell you've got a lot of bruising around your eyes from the lacy and you don't get bruising around your eyes. Your actual eye can be bruised. It can be like you can break some capillaries like blood vessels in your eyes, but like there's no bruising around the eye. And so Paul said, yeah, you got a lot of bruising around your eyes. And I said, actually, that's just what I look like. And he's like, no, really, you really do. It's under your eyes, it's like very dark and it's like purple. It's like purple under your eyes. And I was like, no, that's like what my under eye circles look like. It's just that I've probably always worn concealer around you, so you've just never seen it before. And he said, no, no, you look like you got punched in the face. It's not just under your eye, it's also like in between the bridge of your nose and your eye. And I said, yeah, no, that's just what I look like. And it's true, that's just what I look like.
Speaker 1:
And don't comfort Paul, please. I'm not mad at him and I don't want him to feel like he can't say things to me, right? But I immediately went back to that note that those girls had written, you know like 30, however, many years ago. I just felt I felt like crap again, not upset with Paul at all. This actually doesn't have anything really to do with Paul. Just what he said triggered something in me that I thought was not able to be triggered anymore, and I felt ugly and I felt like, oh crap, like I should, I should and I don't like the word should very often, but that's how I felt in the moment Like I should be as concerned about this as I was when I was 12, because it's still a thing.
Speaker 1:
And so the next day I started wearing my makeup again, even though I wasn't supposed to, because it makes me feel more comfortable. And you know, I wish that I didn't care about this at all. I really wish that. I wish I didn't care about what I look like, but I do care what I look like. I wish that I was one of those people that was like well, I'm older now, so it doesn't matter, or you know that I don't subscribe to women's beauty standards, which are completely unfair. But the fact of the matter is is that for me, I do, I don't for other people. For other people you do whatever you want, right? Wear makeup, don't wear makeup. You know, I really I don't care about that and I don't notice anybody else's under eye circles, but for me I really care about it and I was surprised at my reaction.
Speaker 1:
I sort of spiraled a little bit and I have a little bit of shame around my reaction. Again, it doesn't matter if I should or shouldn't have shame around my reaction. I do have shame around my reaction and you know, maybe there will be a day where I don't, I don't care, but that day is not, that day is not today and I don't really have a nice little way to button this story up. I don't have a little anecdote. I can't put a little ribbon around it. I can't, I can't be like. Here's what I've learned from this Other than you know, sometimes wounds are reopened, or sometimes you think that a wound is closed and it turns out that it's not, and sometimes you, you think you're over something and you're not, which is the case with me right now, and maybe one day I'll have a nice little.
Speaker 1:
You know, one day I'll be like hey, remember that one episode where I told you I was super care what I look like, guess what. I don't anymore. I'm just not at that place, yeah. And so I've had to sort of be really forgiving of myself because I've put a ton of judgment on myself since this happened, you know, a week or so ago, like I've really been like how could you let this bother you and why do you even care? And the bottom line for me right now is I do care and I did let it bother me. And now the question is how do I move forward? And I think I just have to suck it up. But our cup, I think I have to let a little more time progress where I'm not, because I've been obsessing about my makeup again, which I haven't done since I was 12.
Speaker 1:
So, yeah, that's just a little story about how I thought I was okay with something, and maybe I was. You know, I was okay with something, I was okay with something, and now I'm not again and that's okay. It's okay for me to feel, however. It's okay for me to feel however I feel about anything all the time, regardless of whether or not I'm being vain or not. This is just how. This is how I feel about it right now. If you have a story like that, I would love to hear it. You know, if you've got something that you thought that you were okay with and it turns out you're not, let me know. I would love to talk to you about it or maybe bring it up in a future podcast. You can always reach me at heal and grow with Nikki podcast at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:
Nikki is spelled N-I-C-K-I-E Cause I'm a 70s baby. If you are looking for a new book to read, you could read mine. It's called Things I'm Thinking About A Daughter's Thoughts on the Loss of Her Mom. It is on Amazon. You can just put the title in to the search bar. You could just put my name into the search bar Nikki Kraminga Hill, n-i-c-k-i-e-k-r-o-m-m-i-n-g-a-h-i-l. Yeah, I would love to hear from you. I would love to come to your book club or just chat with y'all about how you are healing and growing right now or how you aren't healing and growing right now. All in due time, my friends. As always, thanks for healing and growing with me this week and I will see you soon.
Speaker 2:
This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.