There's beauty and strength in accepting the 'not okayness' of life's trials, and this is the essence of our discussion today. We venture into the heart of dealing with life's uncertainties and the pressure we face to mend everything for everyone else. Together, we will explore the courage it takes to embrace the discomfort of not having all the answers, of being in limbo. This is not merely a podcast episode, but an invitation to a shared experience of emotional healing and personal growth. So, come along, let us walk this path together. You're not alone.
There's beauty and strength in accepting the 'not okayness' of life's trials, and this is the essence of our discussion today. We venture into the heart of dealing with life's uncertainties and the pressure we face to mend everything for everyone else. Together, we will explore the courage it takes to embrace the discomfort of not having all the answers, of being in limbo. This is not merely a podcast episode, but an invitation to a shared experience of emotional healing and personal growth. So, come along, let us walk this path together. You're not alone.
*For speaking inquiries or for questions or comments on the podcast, contact Nickie at healandgrowwithnickiepodcast@gmail.com
Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice.
Nickie is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast.
This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
Speaker 1:
Hello, hello everyone, and happy Halloween. Are you doing anything fun for Halloween tonight? I am not. I will be staying inside my house with the lights off. Bah, humbug. Hey. Thank you so much to Tim and Sam for buying me a coffee this week. I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1:
I've got a bunch of really fun stuff coming up that I wanna tell you about right now before we get going into the podcast. I have a new Facebook page. It's just for the winter. It's called Heal and Grow with Nikki's Winter Support Group. Just look for that. Put that in the search bar Heal and Grow with Nikki's Winter Support Group. I'll also tag it down in the show notes today, but it's exactly what it sounds like it is a group for people who just need some support throughout the winter. I won't be giving any medical advice, obviously, because I'm not a doctor, but we will be sharing articles and research on how to help ourselves throughout the winter. I know some of us have seasonal affective disorders, so I'm assuming we'll be talking about that a lot. We will be sharing resources and essentially just supporting each other through the winter. It's a really, really hard time for a lot of us, so I thought why not start something that will not only help me but help other people, so check that out.
Speaker 1:
I also have a one time only, I think book club. We will be reading Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker. This book club is meeting in January. I will put that info down in the show notes as well. But we'll just be reading this book and discussing it together. You don't need to be sober, you don't need to be a woman, you don't need to be alcohol-free, but anyone who would like to join us is welcome to. But I thought this would be a great way to kick off the new year by reading this book together.
Speaker 1:
And finally, on Monday, november 6th, I will be the keynote speaker at Ladies Night down in St Ansgar, iowa. I will link that down in the show notes too. But if you'd like to come, I'd love to see you, especially if you're down in that area. It's $25 a person, it's dinner, a couple of different speakers, it'll be music. It's gonna be really fun. This is the same place where I choreographed during the summers. I just did Wizard of Oz there in August. So I'm really excited to be back in that community again, even if it's just for a couple of hours, and I would love to see you too. ["wizard of Oz"].
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Heal and Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kraminga Hill. Here we talk about everything grief, hope, illness, work, family, tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to Heal and Grow together. I'm so glad you're here.
Speaker 1:
Hi again, I wanna let you know that little snowball, our dog, is right next to me right now. Normally I would put her in a different part of the house when I'm recording, but I am the only person home right now and she has been very neglected. So little snowballs here and you might hear some little doggie noises. She'll probably start snoring and if that happens, I'm just gonna keep recording and I'm not gonna try to edit it out. So just in case you hear dog noises, it's because there's a dog with me. She's not in the closet with me because there's not enough room, but she's just right outside of the closet where I could see her.
Speaker 1:
Okay, y'all. Things are absolutely not at all okay in my life right now. I will share all of that with you, and I also wanna just preface this by saying I'm not here to hurt anyone or throw anyone under the bus, which will make sense in a little bit. But I also am going to tell you what's happening in my life so that you have an accurate idea. As you probably know, my dad continues to be in hospice. He continues to be in a pretty good mood, maybe because he's on fentanyl, but he is starting to become weaker, which is hard to see. He's eating less and less, which obviously I knew was going to happen, but to see it happen is pretty challenging.
Speaker 1:
Two weeks ago my in-laws, archie and Sally, came into town to go to the Emergency room at the VA medical center here in Minneapolis At sidebar. My in-laws are awesome. I know so many people are like oh, in-laws, nope, not me. I love my in-laws truly. I'm really glad that they are in town. Anyway, they live in Upper Wisconsin in a pretty remote area, so to go to the doctor they need to typically travel at least 45 minutes, sometimes longer than that if they need to get to Duluth.
Speaker 1:
And the summer Archie started Getting fluid in his legs. There's a way more to this, but I'm just gonna sort of Make this a little more concise by saying he got fluid in his legs. They didn't really know what was happening. It became more and more difficult for him to walk. They went to a handful of different doctors who weren't really sure what was happening, but they assured them that it was not his heart, nothing to do with his heart. Well, about two weeks ago two weeks in two days actually they went to a different doctor. That doctor sent them on their way and then called them and said hey, we did different Labs this time, we did different blood work this time and we think that it might be his heart. We suggest you Go see someone sooner rather than later. So they decided to come here to Minneapolis, which is a very good idea, I think Paul drove to go get them, brought them here, took them immediately to the VA and Admitted Archie into the hospital pretty quickly.
Speaker 1:
So Sally is staying here with us at our house and Archie has been in the hospital for two weeks. They thought, yes, it probably is something to do with your heart, but we need to get a clear look at your heart and we can't with all this fluid in your body. So they put him on a diuretic and he has lost 25 pounds, just of water, just of that fluid. He was carrying around 25 extra pounds. They did More testing on his heart. They've determined yes, there's a heart issue, there's a valve issue and they are planning on doing quadruple bypass surgery sometime on him this week. However, they are sort of getting a run around from the doctors as to what exactly the issue is and what Exactly they want to do to his heart, and of course, there's a lot more involved than that. But it's been an incredibly confusing time for Archie and Sally and our family because we don't really understand what's going on in the meantime. You know they don't really want to be here. You know they're not here for a fun visit.
Speaker 1:
Archie's in the hospital and along with that he has some delusions, which I researched a little bit since they've been here and it turns out there's something called Medical delusions or something similar to that. But it's pretty common that when people are Quickly taken from one environment and into a medical environment and they're not going outside and they're not eating what they're normally eating and they're not talking to the people they're normally talking to, they can get some delusions. And that has been happening with Archie and it's been frightening. We are pretty sure that once he gets back home it's all gonna stop, but it's been very scary. He'll, he's called Paul in the middle of the night, he's called Sally in the middle of the night, not knowing where he is, not knowing what's happening, and it's so hard to see that, and it's just, it's just. The whole thing's just been really, really confusing and we're hopeful that we're gonna get some answers soon so that they could proceed. Either it was surgery or they can send him home.
Speaker 1:
Our schedule has changed quite a bit Because Archie and Sally don't have a car and so we're driving them, although there's no, there's no way really to drive other than to the hospital and back. But our schedule has changed a little bit, which we are happy to accommodate. That please don't get me wrong. But our schedule has changed and I really don't see Paul. I haven't really seen Paul in a couple of weeks. We know this is temporary, but it's still challenging.
Speaker 1:
And then we have the issues with my job. My new job that I started in Tune, that I told you all about, has been going through a ton of change for over two years. Consistent change. Just when you think things are settling and you know what's happening, boom, it changes. And that has definitely happened for me, since I've been here for only four months, but it's been happening with the whole group for a very long time Fully staffed. We are five people. Now. There is more work to be done than just five people, but it's fairly manageable at five people. When I started, we were at four people, and then we're at three people, and then we're at four people and then we're at five people. This is all within four months, about gosh.
Speaker 1:
Four weeks ago now, one of our staff members quits, and I'm not going to share the details behind that, other than to say I understood why she left. I supported her and that meant we're down a person, and this was about two weeks before our annual fundraising gala. The gala was put on by two people myself and one other person. We did everything for it. There's a lot behind that, too, that I'm not willing to share on a podcast, but two of us planned the gala and then, two days after the gala, another staff member quits. I support his reasoning behind leaving as well. However, there are three of us now and we are the ones that are left to sort everything through. We have to train ourselves on some things because we haven't been properly trained and I'm not sure if we're actually getting trained.
Speaker 1:
So I'm literally Googling how to do things and Google's pretty great at that, at helping me out but I am not at all okay. I'm not at all okay in my life right now. I'm actually sort of a mess and I'm not at all okay in my life right now. It's one of those moments where I can't completely break down because I don't have time for that. I also know that's a big red flag, right. That's a big warning Like, hey, if you're not properly taking care of yourself, you're gonna have a full-on breakdown and breakdowns don't like a real breakdown and breakdowns don't have a timeline, they just happen whenever they want to happen. Now's not the time for my breakdown. Do your breakdown. I'm not ready for you yet. I was so lead-nicky, like you could control that. I am trying to stay focused on the things that are good right now, and there are some things that are really good. I get to see my dad and Archie and Sally every single day. That's pretty awesome. I am loving that I get to see them every day.
Speaker 1:
There are three remaining people in our organization and we are united and we are ready for this and we're ready to take on some challenges. Our board is supportive of us. In fact, we actually met with the board the other day the first time. The first time in this organization's 13-year history at least this is what I've been told the staff and the board were in the same room together and we actually talked to each other. What a remarkable idea. It was great. Actually. They had a chance to ask us some questions. We had a chance to ask them some questions and it was amazing. There was listening happening, there was conversation. It was fantastic.
Speaker 1:
So there are some good things about what's happening right now, but I also want to make sure that I don't try to like silver lining things that don't have a silver lining. You can't toxic positivity your way out of bad situations. Yes, there are some things that I could do to make this time easier. I've had to put up some pretty big boundaries at my job in order for me to stay sane. Also, at my job, we are narrowing everything down to what is absolutely essential. Those are the things that we're doing. We're not doing anything else, which probably we should have done a long time ago, right, so my plan is to just go through it, to just go through this and to be okay with not being okay.
Speaker 1:
Because the thing is, I really can't control much of any of this other than the boundaries that I've already established. I can't control this I'd love to be able to, but I can't and so, other than just like vomiting out everything that's happening right now in the hopes that I take some of this weight off my shoulder, I guess the point of all of this, the reason why I want to share this with you today, is that it is okay when we aren't okay. I don't think we talk about that enough. A lot of people aren't okay right now. Have you read anything in the news? There's great reasons for us to not be okay. We also don't want to get bombarded by that bad news too. There's a fine line there and there's a balance, and I haven't found the balance yet. So if you have, please share it with me.
Speaker 1:
But it is okay that I don't have things figured out right now, because I don't have enough information to figure things out right now. It's okay that I'm in limbo for a little bit. It's okay that I don't have the answers. It's okay to delegate. It is okay to put up boundaries. It's okay for me to admit openly and publicly that I'm not okay and it is okay for you to hear that, and it is okay that you can't fix this for me. It's okay if you just sit in the not okayness with me and we could just be here together.
Speaker 1:
We spend so much time and money and energy trying to make everything perfect when it can't be. We spend so much time and money and energy trying to make things okay for other people when sometimes it can't be okay for other people and we just have to accept that and live with them in that moment. And so I'm going to just sit here for a while, literally and figuratively, and do my best, to the absolute best that I can, knowing that these things going on the health of my parents, my job, it's not okay right now. It will be, it will be okay, but right now it's not and that's okay, as always. Thank you so much for being here with me today and thank you for listening to what I have to say and thank you for healing and growing with me. Muah. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.