Celebrate with me as I mark a momentous occasion on "Heal and Grow with Nickie"—my first year of sobriety! This special episode isn't merely a recount of my experiences—I offer up hope to those who are thinking about living an alcohol-free life. Join me as we shatter the silence surrounding sobriety and embrace the empowerment that blooms from each of our unique recovery journeys.
Celebrate with me as I mark a momentous occasion on "Heal and Grow with Nickie"—my first year of sobriety! This special episode isn't merely a recount of my experiences—I offer up hope to those who are thinking about living an alcohol-free life. Join me as we shatter the silence surrounding sobriety and embrace the empowerment that blooms from each of our unique recovery journeys.
*For speaking inquiries or for questions or comments on the podcast, contact Nickie at healandgrowwithnickiepodcast@gmail.com
Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice.
Nickie is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast.
This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
Speaker 1:
Hello everyone. Hey, I wanna give a huge shout out to my buddy, tim, who once again bought me a coffee this week. Thank you so much, tim. I really appreciate you so much. Thank you for listening to this podcast, thank you for supporting me and thank you for buying me a coffee this week. If anyone else would like to buy me a coffee this week or any other time, the link is in the show notes. Thank you so much for considering and also, if you are still looking for a last minute gift this holiday season, may I suggest the book Things I'm Thinking About A Daughter's Thoughts on the Laws of Her Mom, written by me. You can find it on Amazon. Just go in the search bar, put things I'm thinking about, or you can write in my name, nikki Kreminger Hill, and it'll pop right up and you can make a purchase this holiday season and that will support me and it's also going to support you or anyone else who receives it, anyone who is really looking for some insight on what it's like to lose a parent.
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Heal and Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kreminger Hill. Here we talk about everything grief, hope, illness, work, family, tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to Heal and Grow together. I'm so glad you're here.
Speaker 1:
Ok, before I start on today's topic, I'm going to give a disclaimer. This is my experience. I am talking today about my personal experience. I'm going to be sharing what works for me, what hasn't been working for me, and anything that I say or suggest today is based solely on my personal experience. You, dear lovely listener, may or may not have a completely different experience than me, and that is OK. I have chosen to live my life out loud and to share with you what is going on with me and, specifically today, to share with you my experience with sobriety. And I do this for a couple of reasons. One it really helps me when I share with you. It takes away my past shame and guilt when I share with you, but also I'm hoping that this could potentially help other people. So that is why I do what I do and why I share so openly my podcast and in my writing and in my speaking. If you would like to learn about my rock bottom story with alcohol, please check out a previous podcast entitled Rock Bottom, and that is from June 20. Ok, here we go. Ok, friends, friends, today I celebrate one year of sobriety, a whole effing year. I am so, so, extremely proud of myself.
Speaker 1:
When I decided to get sober a year ago, I downloaded a whole bunch of apps to my phone. They were primarily sobriety counters, so they would just keep track of how many days that you've been not drinking. They can also track how many days you haven't been using drugs or caffeine or sugar or anything like that. So mine was obviously counting the days of sobriety and technically, I mean, today is my sobriety date, but technically it started at 10 PM last night. Today is Wednesday, december 20, 2023, just for the future, when I listen back to this or when you listen back to this, today is Wednesday, december 20, 2023. And technically, my sobriety date started at 10 PM, the 19th. So last night I watched the timer click down, click down to from, from 364 days to 365 days. It was like a New Year's Eve countdown. I literally was in bed and I said 10, 9, 8,. You know, I get to one happy New Year and and it was so wonderful to just celebrate. Sort of silly is that a word? Silly like that last night.
Speaker 1:
Wow, what a year, a year ago, this morning I woke up still drunk. It was a horrible headache and hangover. I I had sprained my ankle, I couldn't put any weight on it and I sat at the top. I crawled across our bedroom floor and I sat at the top of our stairs and just asked Paul, I yelled downstairs, did I drive last night? And he said no. He came up and he sat on the stairs with me and as I, as I, slowly pieced together what had happened the night before, because I blacked out and I said I have to stop drinking, and Paul just nodded and that him nodding was the impetus for me to just be like I, this is it, I'm done. And I knew when I sat at the top of those stairs that that this time, this time, was the real time. I had tried to stop drinking before, I tried to cut back before. None of it had worked really. And I knew then okay, I'm done like this. I knew, I knew in my heart that I was done, but at at that moment, in those first few months, really I was doing it for Paul, I was doing it for my family, I was doing it for our dog and and now, now I do it for me. Now I do it for myself. You know, I started for Paul and I continue for myself.
Speaker 1:
I used to drink because it's fun. I like drinking. It's a, it's a thing I've always done with my friends. Whenever I'm together with my friends, we typically we typically go out to drink. I drank because it helped me out in social situations.
Speaker 1:
I drank because I didn't want to deal with the realities of life. I just didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to deal with the pain in my, in my body due to my chronic illnesses. I I drank so that I was more comfortable being in public. I drank to cover up my depression. I drank so that I didn't have to think about the challenges that are going on in our country and in our world.
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I drank because I don't like to be in crowds.
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I drank because I don't like to feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:
I drank. I drank because I just didn't. I didn't want to feel which is really interesting, because I've always thought of myself as a person who is very in touches my feelings and I think that that's potentially true and also when you realize that you're not drinking, it's, it's not just a social fun thing anymore, it's so that you don't have to feel well. At least for me it was like okay, that's gotta stop. And it's interesting when you, when you are stopping, because it was glaringly obvious to me that alcohol is everywhere, literally everywhere, and I can't really control it. I can control if alcohol is in my home or not, but I can't control where it is anywhere else. And people talk about alcohol all of the time. You know, you talk about drinking while you're drinking and how grateful you are to be able to be drinking, and so you really notice this. There's liquor stores everywhere. Any restaurant you go into is just here's all of our alcohol. It's just, you know, when you're trying to quit something I'm sure it's the same thing for people who are struggling with eating disorders when you're trying to stop a destructive habit, and yet it's everywhere in your face. That's really, really hard. And this year I felt I felt everything. I felt everything and there is a lot of joy and love and happiness in my life, but there's also a lot of pain and I don't like to feel that way. I don't like to feel pain.
Speaker 1:
Less than two months after I started my sobriety journey, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He started hospice. That was very, very challenging anyway, and then to not be able to numb myself with alcohol was hard. I got a new job and there's so many things about my new job that I love and this job has just been really, really stressful as well and I just have to feel it. I can't drink away I choose to not drink away the stress of that job. Paul's dad has had some health issues as well and I just have to feel it and I get to feel it. It's also as much as I hated, it's sort of a privilege to really feel these feelings.
Speaker 1:
The first few months I felt like I was just walking around naked. I felt completely exposed. I felt so vulnerable. I checked my sober counting apps several times a day A day, several times a day, just to be like, okay, I'm one hour more sober than I was earlier. I'm eight hours more sober than I was earlier. I was in sober chat rooms everywhere just so that I could be with other people, be digitally with other people that were like me.
Speaker 1:
There were a handful of times that were extremely difficult. I would say there was actually four times, and I feel fortunate that it was only four times, but there were about four times that I was like I have to drink, I have to have a drink right now and I didn't drink. I was super triggered two times. We met up with friends who had already been drinking before we got there and I'm actually okay being around alcohol. I'm okay being around other people that drink. We actually have alcohol in our house and I've been okay with it. Paul drinks not all that often, but everyone smiles He'll have a beer in the house and it really doesn't bother me. But on these two particular times we had agreed to meet up with friends who had already been drinking and then they continued to drink while we were together and they got sloppy. They were, they smelled like their breath really reeked of alcohol, they were slurring their words and that really, really triggered, really triggered me. I was like, oh God, I really want to drink, I want to catch up with them.
Speaker 1:
At six months I was heavily criticized. As I mentioned earlier and as some of you have listened, I did a podcast on my rock bottom story and someone who didn't even listen to it, someone who only listened to two minutes of it, contacted me and read me the riot act, and that's something that I will potentially share in the future. But this person didn't think I was doing it correctly, didn't think that I was getting sober correctly. This person thought that it was too early for me to be talking about my sobriety and that was very challenging to be criticized so heavily. It was very painful and I really wanted to drink. And then just the other day, just the other day, I was talking to a couple of people who are aware of my journey and I said hey, I've got two days left. I've got two days left and then I'll be out a year. This is someone who I was celebrating with and another person overheard the conversation and they just said you too, meaning oh, you're a drunk, you're an alcoholic. I didn't realize that you were one of those people At least that's how I interpreted it and that was really, really hard. That person has actually apologized to me, which I really appreciate.
Speaker 1:
This year has been actually a pretty lonely process and I have chosen to go about sobriety my own way and because of that choice, that's one reason why it's been pretty lonely and there's been so much freedom. There's been so much freedom in getting sober and there's a freedom in feeling feeling my feelings. Simply put. I now know how I feel. I know when something isn't right with me and I know when something is right with me. And, to be fair, I knew when things weren't right before, but I would cover it up with alcohol. I knew when something wasn't sitting well with me, but instead of taking action on that, I would just drink it away so I wouldn't have to deal with it. That I I have no more shame. I have no more guilt. I think that's what's been the biggest breakthrough for me so far in this journey, because even though I'm celebrating one year like this is just one milestone. I keep going. But to not have shame and guilt around drinking has banned Like it's like a whole new me. I'm not walking around with a secret anymore. I'm not walking around hungover, I'm just. It is what it is now. You know, and not feeling guilty and not feeling shameful around my drinking habits has been the biggest gift of all.
Speaker 1:
I think in all of this and this year I also learned that no one really cares what I'm doing with my life as long as I'm not hurting myself and other people, and I love that. Like no one cares about me as much as I think they do and I mean that as a good thing Like no one's sitting and analyzing my life other than me. And there's a freedom in that too. And I learned that the people who loved me while I was drinking still love me now that I don't. And that was a fear of mine. I was worried that my friend groups would change. It was a little weird at first, but my friend groups haven't changed. I'm still hanging out with the same people I've always hung out with. It's just that I don't drink alcohol anymore. And here's how I'm doing it. Here's how I got through the year. Here's how I think I'm going to continue on, although I don't really know exactly what that journey is like, because I can't tell the future.
Speaker 1:
But I have gone to a handful of meetings. I've gone to a few online AA meetings. I've gone to a few meetings with there's groups everywhere y'all. I mean just everywhere, that's. Another thing I've learned is that if you want to stop drinking, there are so many ways to do it. I've worked with a group called Monument, which is formally it was formerly called Tempest. I've gone to a lot of therapy. I always go to a lot of therapy, but this time I talk a lot about my sobriety. I have a very small group of friends that I have contacted this year when I felt like I've been struggling. Shout out right now to Statler and Bradley and Mark and my guys at Alive and Kicken.
Speaker 1:
I have done a lot, a lot, a lot of reading, a lot of quit-lit. I have done a lot, a lot, a lot of reflecting and writing and I've continued to celebrate things throughout the year. But instead of drinking alcohol, I've found a lot of fun, other things to drink. There's a lot of super fun mocktails out there. There's a lot of great non-alcoholic beer. I haven't tried any non-alcoholic wine, but there are a ton, a ton of options out there and that has really been helpful to be able to quote unquote have a drink while everyone else is drinking. And there are many people in the sober community that have told me and will potentially tell someone else who's trying to stop drinking, that it's not okay to use a substitute. But that's for them, that's not for me. I am using substitutes because it helps me and I'm sort of at a place where it's like well, as long as I'm staying sober, who cares how I'm doing it right?
Speaker 1:
And, if I may, a couple of things for you, dear listener, a couple of dos and don'ts. If you are around someone who doesn't drink anymore, here's some don'ts. Please don't ask people why they aren't drinking. It's truly none of their business. Excuse me, it's none of your business. Maybe that person is pregnant Also none of your business, you know. Maybe they actually have a problem with alcohol, like I do, so they've stopped. Or maybe they don't, maybe they just don't want to drink. It's none of your business. And if someone doesn't drink, don't take it personally. My not drinking has nothing to do with you. I don't drink to show you that you shouldn't drink. I don't drink because I shouldn't drink. And here's some things to do. If you are throwing a party, please have alternative beverages available that are non-alcoholic. I've gone to several parties this year. I've brought my own drinks just because I want to be prepared and I know myself. So I bring my own drinks. But most of those places have had alternative things available. So thank you, thank you, thank you to the people that have NA options available for me.
Speaker 1:
Do ask the person how they're doing with their journey. They could choose to say I don't want to talk about it, or they might be like me and they might want to talk about it. I've realized to this process that people like talking about sobriety even less than they like talking about death. I've talked very openly and freely in the past that people don't want to bring up grief. They don't want to bring up death. They don't want to remind you that you're grieving where it's like. You don't need to remind me, I'm already aware. So people would not talk to me about my mother's death. They would try to cheer me up or try to change the subject when it was okay if you asked me about it. Even less people have asked me about my sobriety. I mean, that's just how it is. When I want to talk about it, I've brought it up, but truly, there's only been, besides the people that I mentioned earlier, there's been one person this whole year who's been like, hey, how's it going? No, I take that back. There's been two For.
Speaker 1:
As for my future plans, I mean I just I keep going, I keep going. I will keep counting the days, although throughout the year, I looked at my sober app less and less and less, but I'm gonna keep counting the days. I will continue normalizing, talking about my experience with others, because when we talk about these things. It's helpful to everybody when we share our experience or when we listen to other people's experience. It's just helpful for everybody.
Speaker 1:
And on my app I could put in how much money I spent a day drinking and then it told me how much money had been accruing and I put down that I spent $5 a day drinking, which I don't actually know how true that is. There were several days that I wouldn't drink and then I would have like one to five drinks at any given time, you know. So I put in that I spent $5 a day drinking because it was my best estimate and then throughout the year I would look at that money, adding up, adding up, adding up and trying to figure out what am I gonna do? Like, I wanna celebrate this at one year and I ended up just not doing anything. But yesterday, last night, paul and I paid to go on a cruise in October with some friends and so and we got to pay it in full because I had saved $1,800, you know. And so that's how I'm gonna celebrate. I'm gonna celebrate in October by going on a cruise where all my friends drink and where there will be a lot of alcohol. But that's okay, because I know myself now and I know that I won't be able to drink, and I've also looked at the cruise ships beverage menu and there is a ton of non-alcoholic fun drinks for me to partake in. So that's how I'll celebrate and I'll also continue to celebrate all year long.
Speaker 1:
And, yeah, thanks so much for listening to this. It's been a really, really emotional time of just being really proud of myself, but it's very reflective and seeing these improvements in my life have made me extra emotional and I'm just really, really proud of myself and I wanted to share this story with you. And if you are someone who would like to talk about your drinking habits, if you need a friend or anything, please, just please, reach out. You can reach out to my email, which is healandgrowwithnickypodcast at gmailcom. Nikki's spelled N-I-C-K-I-E. If you are looking for some books, actually I'll probably tag those. I probably won't tag those today in the show notes, but I will get around to it and I will share those resources with you on social media. I also I haven't advertised this yet.
Speaker 1:
I will do this in the next couple of days, but I'm having a one-time only book club in January. The book we are reading is Quit Like a Woman. It's by Holly Whitaker. You do not need to be a woman, you do not need to be sober, you can just be a human and join that book club. But pick up the book right now and start reading. It's a really interesting read and I'm very much looking forward to just discussing it with people. So thank you always, always, for listening, but thank you in particular for listening to this episode. There will be no episode next week. I'm gonna take the week off, so I will be back again on January 2nd. I hope that you are doing well. I hope that you are enjoying or at least tolerating this holiday season and, as always, thank you for healing and growing with me, mwah.