37: Express Yourself: Moments of Healing in Times of Pain
Feb 20, 2024Episode 37
Nickie Kromminga Hill
Join me as I open my heart to you about the anniversaries of my mother's passing and my father's cancer diagnosis, sharing the raw edges of loss and the societal pressures to wear a mask of positivity.
This conversation extends a gentle hand to those who seek to comfort others, illuminating the delicate art of emotional validation. Learn through my insights how to craft supportive interactions that honor and respect the emotional landscapes of those we care about. Whether empathizing with a partner's weary spirit or approaching someone's recurring struggles with a non-harmful touch, we explore how our responses can nurture or neglect the human need for acknowledgement. Let's walk this path of healing and growth, reminding ourselves of the transformative power of simply being there for one another.
Join me as I open my heart to you about the anniversaries of my mother's passing and my father's cancer diagnosis, sharing the raw edges of loss and the societal pressures to wear a mask of positivity.
This conversation extends a gentle hand to those who seek to comfort others, illuminating the delicate art of emotional validation. Learn through my insights how to craft supportive interactions that honor and respect the emotional landscapes of those we care about. Whether empathizing with a partner's weary spirit or approaching someone's recurring struggles with a non-harmful touch, we explore how our responses can nurture or neglect the human need for acknowledgement. Let's walk this path of healing and growth, reminding ourselves of the transformative power of simply being there for one another.
*For speaking inquiries or for questions or comments on the podcast, contact Nickie at healandgrowwithnickiepodcast@gmail.com
Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice.
Nickie is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast.
This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
Speaker 1:
Have you ever shared your feelings or expressed yourself in some way and then had another person tell you that what you were feeling is wrong? Yeah, me too. Let's talk about it. Welcome to Heal and Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kraminga Hill. Here we talk about everything Grief, hope, illness, work, family, tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to heal and grow together. I'm so glad you're here. Hello all, I hope that you are doing well.
Speaker 1:
Before we start today's episode, I have a few other things to let you know about. First, I have had some of you reach out in regard to episode 33 from just a few weeks ago. That episode was entitled no, no, no, joe. It turns out that many of you have had some shady business dealings in the theatrical community, mostly at the same theater that I was referencing in that episode, but also at other theaters in the Twin Cities area. And just thank you to those that have reached out. You are always welcome to share your stories with me and I appreciate that you have shared so far and to the people who are doing the shady business dealings at their theatrical organizations stop, just stop it. You are holding people's livelihoods in the palm of your hand and you need to stop taking advantage of people and instead start helping them. Second, if you like my work and would like to support me, there are so many ways to do so. One of those ways is to buy me a coffee. Speaking of buying me a coffee, shout out to Melanie and Tim who have bought me coffee in the last couple of weeks. Thank you. If you'd like to buy me a coffee, just click the link in my show notes. And another way to support me is to purchase my book Things I'm Thinking About A Daughter's Thoughts on the Last of Her Mom. You can get that on Amazon, but I will also post it in the show notes. You could also support me by sharing my podcast with other people. You could talk my name up in your social circles, excuse me what's a social circle In your social circles and ask people to follow me on social media. Or you could offer up my book as an option for your book club. There's just lots and lots of options and, as always, thank you so much for your support. I truly appreciate you all.
Speaker 1:
Okay, so let's get going on today's episode. I didn't post an episode on February 6th, which is two weeks ago. I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like podcasting, I didn't feel like really talking to anyone, and that is because February 6th is the anniversary of my mom's death, or death anniversary as I like to call it. So the eighth anniversary was this past February 6th. It also happens to have been one year since my dad found out that he has cancer, and it's just a lot. It's just a lot.
Speaker 1:
I am a very sensitive person. I'm a human. I just get really sad. I've always gotten sad on February 6th and out sort of a double whammy. That's why I didn't share a podcast. What I did do is that morning I posted well, definitely on Facebook and maybe on Instagram, I posted that it was the anniversary of my mom's death, and then that evening I posted on Facebook about the anniversary of my dad finding out that he had cancer, and this is what I wrote. The evening of February 6th on Facebook, I had a picture of my dad and this is what I wrote.
Speaker 1:
February 6th is not my favorite day. In addition to it being eight years since mom has passed, it's also one year since dad called saying he was constipated and would we take him to the doctor? One year since the doctor said they were certain he had lung cancer and they immediately admitted him to the hospital. And then transitional care and then the decision to admit him to a long-term care facility and ultimately, hospice. One year since he's been home and he's still here and he's doing well, much better than he'd be doing on his own Heart emoji. I don't know why I feel like it's necessary to tell you that I added a heart emoji, but I did add a heart emoji. Of course.
Speaker 1:
I got some responses from friends and family just saying you know, hi, we love you, really kind things. And then I got a response from someone that I don't really know but I care about, and his response to my post was I miss him, but I'm glad he's still here and you should be too. Look always to the positive side. This person's response gave me feelings and thoughts. Mostly I thought, hmm, was there anywhere in my post that said I wasn't glad that my dad was still here? No, was my post overly negative to warrant a response of always look to the positive side? No. And then I thought, hey, man, you don't get to tell me how to feel. So here is how I responded to this person who said I miss him, but I'm glad he's still here, and you should be too. Look always to the positive side. This was my response. Absolutely. I'm thrilled he's still here, as it's offered our relationship to expand in ways I never thought possible. I'm so grateful for this time he and I have together.
Speaker 1:
For me, it's not healthy to always stay positive, especially when the day that dad was admitted to the hospital is the very same day that my mom died. I allow myself to fully feel the sadness For me. I need to feel the depths of grief and work through it to then get to the other side, where positivity lies. Okay, so I didn't hear back from this person after I responded to him, and that's okay. I really wasn't expecting to, but both his mom and his aunt liked my post, so that made me feel a little bit better.
Speaker 1:
I'm so petty sometimes, friends, we do not get to tell people how they should or should not be feeling. We do not get to tell them how they should or should not be feeling. If someone chooses to express themselves to us, here is what we get to do. We get to number one Rejoice that they trust us enough to share with us how they are really feeling. It's really a privilege to get to hear someone's story, regardless of whether it resonates with us or not, regardless of whether or not we agree with the person's story or not which, by the way, how can we disagree with a person's personal story? That's probably redundant, huh? Person's personal. Anyway, you know what I mean. If someone's sharing with us, that's a privilege. That's a privilege to us that we get to hear the story. So that's the first thing we do, is we rejoice that they trust us enough to share their story.
Speaker 1:
The second thing that we get to do if someone chooses to express themselves is we get to listen to what they're saying. We get to listen to that. And when I say listen, what I mean is listen to understand. Listen to understand what they're saying. I don't mean that we listen just long enough so that we can find commonality and then tell a story about ourselves. I mean listen to understand the person who has chosen to share with us.
Speaker 1:
The third thing that we get to do is to validate that person's feelings. So, as an example, if someone comes to you and says hey, I'm really struggling today because it's the eighth anniversary of my mom's death, and it's also the one year anniversary of when my dad found out that he has cancer. You get to say so many validating things. One thing you could say is, wow, that's a lot. Or you could say, yeah, I can see how you might be struggling today.
Speaker 1:
Voting someone else's feelings is really, really important. In fact, if you get nothing else out of today's podcast, I hope that this is the takeaway that validating people's feelings is important, and I challenge you this week to validate someone's feelings instead of trying to erase their feelings. So if your partner comes home this week and says, man, I am so exhausted from working this week, you could try saying, yeah, I understand that work can just be really exhausting. Would you like me to make you a cup of tea, instead of saying, oh yeah, well, so am I, because I've worked all week too. Voting someone else's feelings diffuses a potentially heightened situation, immediately, immediately.
Speaker 1:
And the fourth thing that we could do is that if the relationship with this person who's sharing with you is such that you can't, or you don't want to rejoice that they are sharing, or you don't want to listen to what they're saying, or you don't want to validate their feelings, then all you have to do is to not hurt them. Just don't hurt them. It's okay if you don't understand what someone is saying. It's okay if you're like you know what. This is the 50th time Nikki has come to me with this same thing.
Speaker 1:
Obviously there's something else going on there. Like, if you don't want to engage with that, that's okay, but do no harm and cause no damage. Do no harm and cause no damage. Don't respond to their Facebook posts with your messages of looking on the bright side when that person is struggling. And that's what I have for you today, kids. Be good to the people who choose to share with you, and if you can't be good to them in these ways that I've laid out, then at the very least do no harm. As always, thanks for healing and growing with me today. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.