38: Feeling Griefy: Embracing the Journey Through Grief and Loss
Mar 26, 2024Episode 38
Nickie Kromminga Hill
Join me as I return from my unplanned hiatus to share the profound lessons learned from my own encounters with loss. The landscape of grief is complex, and in this episode, I peel back the layers of emotion that surround my dad's hospice care, the lasting sorrow from my mom's passing, and the collective mourning of losses within my beloved communities. I confront the duality of celebrating longevity while pre-grieving an inevitable farewell, and I extend an invitation to you to embrace the full spectrum of these feelings alongside me.
Join me as I return from my unplanned hiatus to share the profound lessons learned from my own encounters with loss. The landscape of grief is complex, and in this episode, I peel back the layers of emotion that surround my dad's hospice care, the lasting sorrow from my mom's passing, and the collective mourning of losses within my beloved communities. I confront the duality of celebrating longevity while pre-grieving an inevitable farewell, and I extend an invitation to you to embrace the full spectrum of these feelings alongside me.
*For speaking inquiries or for questions or comments on the podcast, contact Nickie at healandgrowwithnickiepodcast@gmail.com
Disclaimer: This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal health or professional advice.
Nickie is not responsible for any losses, damages, or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast.
This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.
Speaker 1:
Welcome to Heal Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, nikki Kraminga Hill. Here we talk about everything Grief, hope, illness, work, family tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to Heal Grow together. I'm so glad you're here.
Speaker 2:
Hello everyone. Remember me, I'm Nikki. I've been on a break. I didn't know that I was going to take a break, or I would have told you. You know, I've sort of been hiding and I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone. I've been pretty down and lethargic and just not okay. My friend, billy Johnson, has this song that says I'd rather not be seen. I'd rather not be seen. That's how I've been doing.
Speaker 2:
I haven't really been sure why, why I've been like this. And then I finally saw my therapist and we kind of got to the bottom of it and it turns out I think I'm grieving a whole bunch of stuff, and I was sort of surprised when I realized that I'm grieving, but also not surprised to, if that makes any sense at all. Things are really confusing. And then you have someone just say, hey, it seems to me like this is the problem, and you're like, oh, ding, ding, ding, yeah, that is it. So, yeah, I've been grieving. So I'll just tell you what's going on. Well, most of what's going on. There's some things that I'm just not able to talk about publicly right now, but here's all the stuff that I've been grieving and holding on to.
Speaker 2:
The first thing is my dad. My dad is still in hospice. He crossed the year mark about two weeks ago, three weeks ago. Hospice is typically reserved for those who are passing quickly. That's just not the case with my dad. He's doing quite well in hospice and if you've heard this podcast before and you've heard me talk about my dad before, you've heard me say I think he's doing better in hospice than he has been the past couple of years before he was in hospice. He's doing really well and I'm obviously thrilled about that and so happy about that and happy that he's still here and he's still doing well.
Speaker 2:
But it's also really messing with my brain. It's messing with my brain. I would like to be someone who is just like oh great, well, he's doing well, okay, but that's just not who I am. I'm constantly thinking about him and his health. It is always in the back of my head. I'm always thinking about it. It's never. I'm never not thinking about my dad and it's just hard and I think that there's space for me to be grateful that he's here and also confused and just wondering, you know, wondering how long it's going to be, and I think I know I'm pre-greaving his death. I'm pre-greaving his death and that's just a hard space to be in. It's just hard. I'm also grieving the death of my mom, which was eight years ago.
Speaker 2:
It was eight years ago. I can't believe it and I just miss her tremendously, and I'm thinking about her all the time too Not as much as I'm thinking about my dad, but I'm still grieving her death, and I suppose a part of me will always be grieving her death, and it's just hard. I'm also grieving a lot of deaths in my current communities. Since I started at Alive and Kicken in June 2023, we have lost seven members, three of whom were active members, which means I was working with them and then they passed. So we've lost three members that we were currently working with and then four members that were not active members any longer. But still, once you're in Alive and Kicken, you're always in Alive and Kicken, and so we're also mourning those four other people as well. And, man, I'm really struggling with it. Here they are, here they aren't. They were here a week ago, they were here two weeks ago and now they're not here ever again. It's just so stinking hard, and we honor their memories by continuing to work for the cast. The cast does. They're continuing to work on their big show that's in June. I honor them by continuing to work as well, but we just don't have any downtime to agree with them, and it's been really hard.
Speaker 2:
I've also lost two of my professors and mentors from Gustavus, one of whom passed in November, the other passed in January, I believe. And these two people had the biggest impact on my time at Gustavus and they're people that I've kept in touch with and even worked with since graduating several years ago. And both of those deaths were unexpected. One was a car accident. Rob Gardner, my theater professor, died in a car accident I think it was Thanksgiving night and his wife was driving and she passed about 10 days later. And Michelle Rosinco, my dance professor, although she did have cancer it went quick and she previously had a different type of cancer that she was able to get through and survive and that's why I say it was unexpected. I just didn't think that she would die. And to have these two people gone and to have them both be gone one in November and one in January it was just like, oh my god, what, like what's happening?
Speaker 2:
I'm also grieving how do I say this? A business relationship. I just thought that working with this business would be one thing and it's just not. I'm grieving that. I'm grieving the potential, I suppose, of what I thought this relationship was going to be and it's very layered and it's very all-encompassing right now and it's just very, very hard, and so I'm grieving that. I'm grieving my relationship with theater and the theater community. The fact of the matter is I'm just not in the Twin Cities Theater community anymore. That was by choice and I'm still grieving it. I'm still grieving. I feel like I'm losing, I've lost my relationships and that's hard, just like the rest of it. And I know I'm doing the right thing right now by not auditioning and by not being a part of the theater community which, again, is all my choice and I'm still struggling with it.
Speaker 2:
I have a friendship that is changing and I'm not really sure if I want it to change or not, but it is and I'm struggling with. Do I try to maintain it? Because it just seems like a lot of extra work right now to try to maintain it. But the history that we have together is deep and meaningful and maybe we can get back to that.
Speaker 2:
I just don't know, but I'm really sad about it and also I think that I have ADHD. There's a lot of reasons why I think I have it. I don't need to go into those right now. I'll wait and see if I have a positive diagnosis, but the earliest I've been able to get in for an assessment is August, and this whole potentially having ADHD has really thrown me for a loop. The more I research it, the more I spiral and the better I feel, if that makes any sense. So I want to acknowledge that I've been doing a lot of research on it and sometimes it makes me go crazy, but sometimes it actually is a positive thing for me to do the research.
Speaker 2:
But it's just really I don't know. It's just really sort of surprised me and I'm grieving that as well. I'm grieving another potential diagnosis and I already feel like I have a million diagnoses and no more, please. But the flip side of that is I feel like I have a million diagnoses, so what's one more? And so it's just been a lot, and so I shut down. It's been a heavy load to carry. Is it as heavy as other people's? No, but that doesn't mean that it's not heavy for me too, right? I mean, it's great to keep a healthy perspective in that there are so many people in this world that have less than I do or who love the life that I have. That's true. And another thing that's true is that this has been a heavy load for me.
Speaker 2:
Anyway, it's just a lot and I'm feeling it, or I'm trying to feel it because I need to. I need to feel all of it in order to move forward and, you know, there's not all that much that I could do about it other than to allow myself to grieve these things, and I haven't really allowed myself to do that Because my schedule doesn't allow it, which I know is a bit ridiculous, but it's kind of true. Without meaning to, I've gotten myself into a sort of overworked and about to burn out schedule and I need to fix it. And allowing myself to space and grace to grieve means that I have to feel some things that I don't really want to feel, and it means that I have to change some things that I don't really want to change. But my mental health, my physical health, is so important to me that I'm going to feel the things and change some things.
Speaker 2:
I don't really know what the point of this podcast is, other than I really missed podcasting. It has turned out to be this really great thing in my life and I'm ready to come back from this break that I've been on and I wanted to tell you what's been going on with me. How are you For real? How are you? If you aren't allowing yourself to feel something right now? Why is that? What's holding you back? What's the thing, or what are the things that you need to spend some time sorting out? But you don't sort them out because it would mean that things in your life would have to change. What are the truths that you're not ready to admit right now?
Speaker 2:
That's where I've sort of been is reflecting on those questions that I just asked you, and the answer I came to is I've been grieving. I haven't really allowed myself to fully grieve. Many things are holding me back, some things that I've shared, some things that I haven't yet. I need to spend time sorting some things out, which means that I have to look at the truth of what's going on in my life and then change a couple things, and that's really hard, and I know that you, dear listener, struggle with the same things that I do. So I just want to acknowledge when this happens to us, it's hard and it's challenging, but the only way out is through right Lots to think about. Like Glennon Doyle says, we can do hard things and, like Jess Ekstrom says I'm rooting for you. I'm sending you all love and, as always, thanks for healing and growing with me today.
Speaker 1:
Muah. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.