39: A Conversation with Kris Jenson: Part One

When Kristine Jenson opens up about the raw journey of loss and rebirth that sculpted her life, you can't help but be drawn into the emotion of her narrative. Her intimate connection with nature, and the solace found in yoga and meditation, map out a path of resilience— a journey I am both humbled and honored to share with you. As her personal story unfolds, you'll discover the transformative power of grief as Kris turns her deepest sorrow into a source of support and hope for others through Jenson Natural Jewelry, a venture that not only honors her niece Devin but also aids pediatric cardiology at Minnesota Children's Hospital.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Everyone, I am so excited for you to listen to today's podcast with my very special guest, christine Jensen. We had such a great time talking. We talked for so long that this is actually going to be a two-parter. So today is part one and next week will be part two. And make sure you listen to the whole thing today, because there's a little special surprise for you at the end.

Speaker 1: 0:29

Christine Jensen is a prime example of transforming tragedy and loss into something beautiful and hopeful for others. Born and raised in Minnesota, christine has always loved the natural world and built a career around protecting and enhancing the environment. For the last two decades, she also began to practice yoga and meditation at age 19 and has found it to be key in her healing from a traumatic childhood. Her life seemed to be moving along well, and in her mid-20s her older brother had his first child, a daughter named Drew. Christine fell in love with that little girl. She developed a very close relationship with Drew and was ecstatic when her little sister, devin, was born. Two years later, unbeknownst to anyone, devin was born with a very rare heart defect and when she was just one day old, she went into distress. Thus began a three and a half year long odyssey to save Devin. Stress Thus began a three and a half year long odyssey to save Devin. Sadly, devin lost the battle and Christine, along with everyone else in her family, were devastated.

Speaker 1: 1:32

Over the years, christine tried to work through the pain of losing Devin.

Speaker 1: 1:36

She had two daughters of her own and focused on her career and yoga practice. About 10 years ago, christine took a workshop on how to make traditional Buddhist mala necklaces and she loved the creative side that opened up as she chose the gemstones to include on her mala and the skills needed to make knots between each stone. She went home and started to learn all about gemstones, ordered some and began to make more mala necklaces. After being asked by others to make malas and bracelets for them, she decided to create a business, but wasn't sure how to make it meaningful and more than just a commercial venture. She decided to meditate about this and right away, devin's voice filled her mind and told her to make the business about sharing her story and legacy.

Speaker 1: 2:23

Thus, jensen Natural Jewelry began in 2017, and Christine's jewelry, along with Devin's story, has been shared around the world, from all over the US to Europe, japan and even New Zealand. Christine also uses her business as a vehicle to help the pediatric cardiology program at Minnesota Children's Hospital, where she donates 10% of her profits. In Devin's memory, every year, christina has been able to take the heartbreak of losing her niece and create a company that spreads hope and love to the world.

Speaker 2: 3:08

Welcome to Heal and Grow with Nikki. I'm your host, Nikki Kraminga-Hill. Here we talk about everything Grief, hope, illness, work, family, tragedy, possibilities, fun stuff and not so fun stuff. It's all on the table. Let's take a look at our lives and work to heal and grow together. I'm so glad you're here.

Speaker 1: 3:34

Warning, warning, warning. Hey everyone, before we get going on this episode, I'm just giving you a little warning that the sound is way off. I tried new microphones for this episode and I should not have done that, so I apologize to you, chris, I apologize to you and it is what it is, chris, hi, so it turns out everyone. Let's talk about how we know each other.

Speaker 1: 4:11

Okay, because we don't, but we do, yeah. So our mutual friend, sam Monk, who was on our podcast in January, introduced the two of us and through that we realized that we went to high school together. That's so crazy. So we didn't really know each other in high school but, I, graduated in 93.

Speaker 3: 4:34

Yeah, I was 92.

Speaker 1: 4:35

Okay, and you, you just told me um, off the record, I was just kidding, um that you were doing like college classes when you were a junior, so so we probably didn't really see each other. Yeah, I was pretty much not around right the last two years yeah, but we went to the same high school, which is crazy, and then I choreographed both of your daughters, right, yes, at Ashland Productions. Yeah, was that. Do we remember what show that is? Was it the Wizard of Oz?

Speaker 3: 5:05

maybe they were in the Wizard of Oz.

Speaker 1: 5:07

Yeah, I think they were little munchkins weren't they?

Speaker 3: 5:09

Abby was the Tin man, okay, and Maya was a munchkin.

Speaker 1: 5:14

Okay okay. Excuse me, I already needed a water break, okay so. Then I choreographed your children, yeah so, and then we meet through Sam. So that's so crazy to me.

Speaker 3: 5:27

I love it when stuff like that happens.

Speaker 1: 5:28

I know I love and it happens a lot in my life and I think that's yeah, like the synchronicity of it all, because I don't think it's, I don't think we meet people by accident and so we've been communicating for a couple of months, right?

Speaker 3: 5:41

but now you're in my house, I know we finally got it welcome it to figure out.

Speaker 1: 5:45

Well, you don't tell everybody where you live because we don't live anywhere near one another.

Speaker 3: 5:49

Well, I grew up in Minneapolis, right, and I feel like I've been a Twin Cities girl, like that's just my identity Right, being in the Twin Cities. But in like it was like five years ago, my husband, I like to say he got a hair up his ass and he wanted to find property somewhere. He grew up in a farm in North Dakota and so living in the cities was just like too convenient for him, not his thing yeah.

Speaker 3: 6:15

And so he just decided he wanted to try and find property somewhere, and he knew I liked woods and water. Yeah, and he knew I liked woods and water, so like being in like a farm setting wasn't really my jam. But if I was going to leave the cities, if it was really good nature I could probably do it. And so he went searching all over and he found this property in north central Wisconsin in the middle of the Schwamigan National Forest.

Speaker 1: 6:42

In the middle of nowhere.

Speaker 3: 6:43

Yep. And we went to it and I stepped foot on the property and I was like, ooh, yeah, there's some good bones here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you could feel the energy of it. Yeah, yeah, I'm a shaman Love it. Sun woman Love it Into all the witchy stuff out there. And as soon as I stepped on the land there's this huge and my degree is natural resources.

Speaker 3: 7:04

I've got a career working in water protection and landscape development, things like that, so I know my nature stuff and I walked onto this property and there's this huge white pine at the very front of the property and she's like a 150-year-old tree and I just was like, oh, there's some good stuff here and the house was crap that was on there. But my husband is like a jack of all trades and he said I can make this our house. And so over the last you know it was like four years of him literally tearing it to the studs, reconfiguring everything about this little house in the woods, and last year it was done and my youngest daughter graduated high school and so in August of last year get her off to college and I got the heck out of the Twin Cities and I live three and a half hours away now, up in the woods of Northern Wisconsin. No target anywhere. The closest target is two hours away and anyone that knows me knows that is a sacrifice.

Speaker 1: 8:07

I'm sure Do you have to like go to Rice Lake for target.

Speaker 3: 8:11

There's a town called Manakwa that's got a Walmart.

Speaker 1: 8:16

I don't like it either.

Speaker 3: 8:17

Yeah, but that's like the closest, like kind of store like that. Otherwise, yeah, rice Lake or Eau Claire has a target store like that. Otherwise, yeah, rice Lake or Eau Claire has a target, you have a Super Foods or something Super One Foods.

Speaker 1: 8:29

So this is another thing that I just realized with Chris, because we're going to talk about our jewelry business in a bit. But I finally looked at the envelope that my jewelry comes in when I order from you. It's at Park Falls, wisconsin, and I emailed Chris and I'm like wait for real, because my husband, paul, was born and raised in Phillips, which is just south of Park Falls, and my in-laws live in Glidden, which is just north, and so I actually know where Park Falls is and I drive through it all the time.

Speaker 3: 9:02

And so now, next time, I'm gonna stop. Yes, and you can shop right from my, from my workshop oh, that would be amazing. I want to meet your tree you can meet my tree and you can meet all my dogs um.

Speaker 1: 9:11

Does your tree have a name? No, I just call her mother oh, oh, I just got emotional about that. I just got tears. Oh, you can hear my voice. I just got tears in my eyes. Yeah, I just got chills. Yeah, that's beautiful.

Speaker 3: 9:23

I think, the that live near me, so like I'm in the middle of the woods, but we're like in this little cul-de-sac which is kind of nice. So it's like I don't feel, like I'm totally alone.

Speaker 1: 9:30

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 9:30

But I think they think I'm crazy because I go up and I hug her and I can't her and I think about everything she's seen, Right, you know I mean she's how much life she's had, how much life she will have. I know, I'm very I love that tree and yeah. And then there's like this, this stone that's in the ground. There's a ton of rock underground, but like there's this one that's just flat with the ground and the moss, because it's trees everywhere. There's no grass really, it's just moss and stuff the moss grows in the shape of a heart around the stone.

Speaker 3: 10:10

And so like I go and I like put my hand on the stone and I hug my tree and my neighbors think I'm weird and I don't care. But what if?

Speaker 1: 10:16

your neighbors are like hey, that weird lady's hiding her tree, we want to go hug our tree too. What if? Maybe?

Speaker 3: 10:23

you're like a role model, maybe, or it just gives them something to talk about as they watch me, because I know they. They watch when the mailman pulls up and delivers the mail because, like a couple of them that live there as soon as the mailman leaves, they go to go get it and I just think it's so funny. My husband and I are like they sit and watch for it, don't they?

Speaker 1: 10:40

oh yeah, they waiting Not much else to do, so they watch me. Hug your tree. I love it, I just don't care, I'm like I'm.

Speaker 3: 10:51

I'm getting to the age where I'm like whatever. Isn't that nice, isn't it?

Speaker 1: 10:55

Like um I you, you just mentioned earlier that you're 50 and I'll be 49 and gosh like six weeks.

Speaker 3: 11:02

Yeah, oh, when's your birthday, may 25th? And gosh like six weeks. Yeah, oh, when's your birthday, may 25th? I'm May 23rd, no way, yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:08

So you're are you a Taurus or a Gemini? Yeah, we're. We're pretty cuspy, though, right Like isn't the 21st, we're right on the edge, I think yeah the 21st, but I'm a total Gemini. I'm not a.

Speaker 3: 11:18

Taurus, I that tattoo a week ago. Okay.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Um, because you do listener, you can't see she's showing me she's showing me this awesome tattoo that has the Gemini symbol right in the middle of the Gemini constellation constellation, okay, so cool. Oh my gosh, I love that. Yeah, okay, so we're just that's so funny we're in sync?

Speaker 1: 11:37

Yeah, we are Um. So Before you got here, I pre-recorded your bio for everybody Amazing bio I cannot wait to talk to you about. Just like all of it, do you? Where would you like to start? Do you want to start with talking about Devin and her being ill? Or, yeah, you just go wherever you want to start.

Speaker 3: 12:00

So I have an older brother named Darren and he's about six years older than me and so he was. You know, he kind of did things first in life and I just kind of watched and learned, right, yeah, and Darren got married and had his, his kids before me and I wasn't sure I even wanted to have kids. I was kind of like, oh, I'm not sure. I kind of, you know, had like plans to save the world and, you know, do stuff and travel and everything. And Darren had his first child, her name's Drew.

Speaker 3: 12:37

And I remember going to the hospital. I mean it's this visceral experience going to the hospital and she was just this little, five pound little nugget. I held her in my arms and it's such a cliche, but the amount of love that exploded in me when I looked at her, like I can get choked up right now just thinking about it. I'd never experienced it before. And the way I liken it, it is my heart living in someone else, like and this, you know, she's my niece, she's not my daughter, but the fact that I, I just felt it so hard for her and I just I'm like the auntie of all aunties, like I love them so much and um, always was like taking care of her and you know I couldn't spend enough time with her.

Speaker 3: 13:28

And two years later they got pregnant again and you know, everything looked fine and I had Drew with me when they went to the hospital to have their second and her name was Devin. And when she was born I picked up Drew and we went down to the hospital to go meet Devin and I held her in my arms and I remember I looked at my husband, who I was married to at the time we're divorced now but I looked at him and I said, okay, we need one.

Speaker 3: 13:57

I was like I can't stand this, the amount of love is just overpowering and I remember holding oh Snowball's saying hi everybody, this like the amount of love is just like overpowering. And I remember holding oh snowball saying hi everybody. I remember holding Devin and I was looking at her and you know she, everything had been swimmingly, like the delivery and everything. And I was holding her and I remember saying I don't think any of them remember it, but I remember saying it seems like she's having trouble breathing. And she just kind of looked like a little blue to me.

Speaker 1: 14:26

And this is the day she was born. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 3: 14:28

Yeah, Like that night you know, and they're like, oh no, she's fine, you know, they they check on her, Everything's fine. I'm like, okay, you know, but it was just like I just kind of felt something wasn't right. Right, you know, we, you know, meet Dev and we, you know, hand her back to my brother and his wife. And I take Drew back home with me. And it was very soon after that we get a phone call and I remember taking the call and them telling me that something's very wrong, that they're discharging Dawn, my sister-in-law, from the hospital and Devin's being rushed to Children's Hospital in Minneapolis. And I remember, you know, cause I had Drew with me, and it's like I can't like freak her out. And I just remember hanging up the phone and I went into my bedroom and I dropped to my knees and I was just like, you know, whatever's out there, if it's God, if it's whatever, I'm like just please, please, let her be okay, Let her be okay.

Speaker 1: 15:29

And.

Speaker 3: 15:29

I scooped up Drew and made my first of many trips to Children's Hospital and I remember walking from the parking lot through the sky ramp into the hospital and holding Drew in my arms and she doesn't know what's going on and how Drew's like what. She's only two at the time, she doesn't know what's going on, but I'm walking down the hallway and she puts both of her hands on my cheeks and she looks at me and she goes I love baby Devin. Oh, and I went, I went, I do too, babe, I love her too. Oh, and I went, I went, I do too, babe, I love her too. And we walked in, went up to the NICU and there's my brother and his wife and I hand drew over to them so they can try to explain what's going on and what we found out it was. Devin was born with a very rare, always fatal heart defect.

Speaker 1: 16:23

Oh, my God.

Speaker 3: 16:24

The long name is hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Hypoplastic left heart syndrome. Yep, h, l, h, s.

Speaker 1: 16:32

Okay.

Speaker 3: 16:33

A very simple way to explain it is she was born with half a heart, so, like the left side of her heart didn't form, oh my gosh. And so we have four chambers in the heart yeah, right and left side. Her left side didn't form, and so we have four chambers in the heart yeah, right and left side. Her left side didn't form and she also had a very narrow aorta and her lungs just weren't very strong. Yeah, and the reason why everything seemed normal at first is that when we're born, there's this valve that stays open in our heart until we're 24 hours old, and so, at 24 hours old, that valve closes and it's just a natural thing that happens, and, like the heart really has to, like, start doing its job. Okay, and when it closed, that's when she went into distress. So I was, you were something, something was up, you yep, your gut was right Yep, but it just, you know, hadn't fully happened you know yet.

Speaker 3: 17:27

Right, and oddly enough there was another baby born the same day in the same hospital with the same heart defect. What are the chances?

Speaker 1: 17:37

A million 10 million to one, I don't know.

Speaker 3: 17:40

But so Devin and this little boy, tyler, went on the journey together of like, how do we keep these babies alive? And we were given three choices One, take her home and just ride it out She'll last a couple of weeks. Two, put her on a heart transplant list, but there are never baby hearts available, yeah. Or three, she can go through a series of operations that will, all intents and purposes, re-plumb the heart to keep her alive long enough so she can get older and have more of a chance to get a heart transplant. Wow, and we chose option three.

Speaker 2: 18:23

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 18:24

And Minnesota was one of the pioneers of creating this series of heart surgeries to replumb the heart, and so she had her first surgery when she was about six days old. Oh, my goodness, and I'm not like other aunties, Like these girls are mine as much as I mean, you know right.

Speaker 3: 18:46

I respect my brother and sister-in-law immensely and what their relationship is but, but I was so close to them you know, still am and my brother and I were sitting on either side of Devin's bed the night before her first surgery and I think I read her good night moon, and you know. And so we read it and you know she's out, you know, and just laying there and I read it and like Darren's got one little hand, I've got the other little hand, and I look at him and I said I'll take her place, she can have my heart. And I know that's just seems like false words, it's not like I meant it with every ounce of my being. Yeah, like I'll, I'll go. Yeah, I've never felt that for anything you know what I mean like that I would die for something for someone else, yeah yeah, and it was just like I'll do it.

Speaker 3: 19:40

Yeah, and he just looked at me, he goes. I know Obviously couldn't do it Right, but I wanted to so badly and she made it through the first surgery. We got to bring her home after a while it was like a month and she had another surgery. You know it kind of becomes a blur timing, but I want to say she was maybe about six months old, okay, when she had the second surgery made it through that one and these surgeries.

Speaker 1: 20:13

what are they?

Speaker 3: 20:13

trying to do, so I'm going to get the chemistry and mechanics wrong with it all, but one side of the heart oxygenates blood. It brings in blood, oxygenates it and then the other side pumps it back out Brings in blood oxygenates it, and then the other side like pumps it back out, right, so it takes all the parts to make that happen Right, and so what they are doing with these surgeries is they're making the heart work well enough to do the whole process just in that half of a heart.

Speaker 3: 20:42

So you know people check, like your blood oxygen levels all the time. You know, and like all of us, were like 98, 99, 100%, a good heart pulse ox, blood ox for Devin was like 80. Okay.

Speaker 1: 20:56

So, even at her best, she's 20% less than the rest of us are.

Speaker 3: 21:00

Yep, and heart babies always kind of have a purplish, bluish tinge to them, okay, because they're not getting as much oxygenated blood in their body and so they're always, you know, they don't have as much energy, or you know what I mean. Like you just think about it, if you're really sick and like you have pneumonia, right, how you kind of like you know, like you can't really breathe very well, you're just not feeling great and don't have energy, that's kind of normal, that's base level for her, and every time she got a cold it became pneumonia. And it was another stay at Children's. She had so many procedures for, you know checking arteries, echocardiograms. She had to have a surgery to open up her aorta a little bit. So that was a surgery through the back, because the aorta is in the backside of the heart. We called that one her shark bite because it kind of looked like a shark bite scar. Yeah, she's just, that's the only life she knew.

Speaker 3: 22:01

Right, right, hospital, hospital surgery, right, right hospital, hospital surgery and, um, through it all, I was like Drew's second mom, because you know they have to be taking care of them. If they have they're, they're rushing to the hospital. Someone's got to go grab Drew, you know, right, and to take, like Darren and Don went on a vacation, like thank god, they got to go on a vacation, right. Well, only my mom and I were really trusted to be able to take care of Devin, right. So you know, we were very much just a part of the whole situation.

Speaker 1: 22:32

All of it, the whole group of people that raised children.

Speaker 3: 22:35

Yeah, yeah, and she was a spitfire, that kid God. She was feisty. She kind of had a little scratchy voice, which Drew has too. But you know, I can hear Devin still. It's just this. It just has this little rasp in her voice and stuff. And she called me auntie. Kiss. Oh, that's so cute.

Speaker 1: 22:57

Yeah so.

Speaker 3: 22:57

I was auntie kiss and, um, yeah, I just. She was amazing, amazing child and when she was three she had the final heart surgery, three and a half heart surgery that we were hoping would kind of be it for a while.

Speaker 1: 23:13

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 23:14

And that was in September 2003. And she made it through the surgery. It was a long slog of a surgery, but she made it through. It was a long slog of a surgery, but she made it through. And we were hoping, you know, everything would be okay and we'd, you know, be able to bring her home and keep going. And things just weren't going her way. Her body was not handling the spinal surgery very well and she was having trouble recovering. She did come out of being like basically in an induced coma and Dawn called me because Dev woke up and I answered the phone and Dawn says someone has got something to say to you. And she put the phone to Dev and she goes hi, auntie Kiss, and it's super scratchy because she'd had a tube down her throat for so long. Has got something to say to you. And she put the phone to to dev and she goes hi, auntie kiss, and it's super scratchy because she'd had a tube down her throat for so long.

Speaker 3: 24:09

And I was like baby, I'm on my way yeah and by the time I got there she um had to be put under again because she, her body, just started failing. So I never got to hear her voice in person and we ended up fighting for about seven weeks with her to try and keep her here. We put her on a machine called an ECMO machine, which basically pumps your blood for you. So her heart stopped beating and this ECMO machine did everything because they thought maybe we can just give her heart some time to heal if it's not having to work so much. So she was on this ECMO machine.

Speaker 3: 24:46

I now know, if you get put on an ECMO machine, there's only a 5% chance you're ever going to leave that hospital. But at the time we're just like whatever, we're just doing what we can. And then she got RSV, which is a really common virus, and somehow she got it, even though she was kind of in a quarantined part of the ICU and that just wreaked havoc on her system. Her lungs couldn't handle it. Everything started failing, but we were still. Every day we were like we're going to keep going.

Speaker 1: 25:23

We're going to keep going.

Speaker 3: 25:24

And the doctors went back in and actually reversed the third surgery to see cause she had been doing okay, you know, with that after the second one, like let's just reverse it and try again when she's stronger. That you know wasn't doing anything and yeah, it was, it was. It was tough and in the meantime I'd had my daughter, abby, and Abby was about 18 months at this time and I was basically Drew's caretaker. Darren and Don were pretty much living at the hospital and I went and I picked up Drew from kindergarten one day and we stopped at the little local grocery store by my house to get some groceries for dinner and my cell phone rings and, like you know, this is 2003.

Speaker 3: 26:13

Cell service isn't as good, but like I could see someone was trying to call me. So I like walked up to the windows of the store and it was my husband at the time and he goes where are you? And I said I'm at the grocery store with Drew. I'm like what? And he goes Dev's going to die, they're going to turn off the machine and I again, here I am with Drew getting the news and I'm in a public space and I have a cart full of groceries and I've got a little girl and I'm holding her hand, hand, and I went, okay, he's like you need to get down there.

Speaker 3: 26:46

I'm like, yep, okay, and I turned to Drew and I go, we got to go, yeah. And she's like, oh, and I just left the cart and walked out and get in the car and I drove to my house and my dad was there, um, taking care ofby while I was like doing all the stuff and I never called my dad anything but dad, he was just dad. I burst into the house and I go daddy, and he looked at me and he goes, I know, and he bundled up, you know, abby, get them in the car. And I'm driving like a bat out of hell to the children's Once again, walking down that hallway carrying Drew and we walk in and they had set up the space. They were very caring of how things were set up when they know like a child's going to die. And I called two of my best friends Allison Longren she's now Allison Erickson, but she went to high school with us and Renee Williams, who went to high school with us. That's funny. And they dropped everything and came down.

Speaker 1: 27:58

Yeah.

Speaker 3: 28:02

And, yeah, the nurses allowed me to help kind of prepare Devin, so like taking some of the tape off of her face and things like that, before they turned off the machines. And I was taking tape off of her cheek and all of a sudden her eyes opened and she had the most beautiful big blue eyes and I just looked at her and go, there's those beautiful eyes. And then they closed. Nobody else saw it. Yeah, and as I was, you know, helping get her ready, I kept whispering to her and I kept saying it's going to be okay, baby, it's going to be, okay, you're going to be safe, you're going to be warm, gonna be okay.

Speaker 3: 28:42

You are so loved and you know, um, my brother and his wife wanted to be alone with her when they turned off the machines and so I left the room and I fell to my knees like I didn't want to be dramatic, but it was like I just like went down and my friends carried me into the next room that they had like set up for us, and I remember laying like on their laps I don't even know and and saying she doesn't have to die for me to learn the lesson I learned the lesson because she lived.

Speaker 3: 29:15

I learned what was important because she was alive, not because she died. Right, and she passed. And they let me come back in and I had bought she was a fan, rabid fan, of Hello Kitty and I had bought her these Hello Kitty PJs and I told her when I bought them that she got to wear them when she got to go home. Well, I put them on her, I put a diaper on her and I put her Hello Kitty pajamas on her and we wrapped her in a blanket and we placed her in my sister-in-law's arms in a rocking chair and I wrapped my arms around Dawn's legs and I just kept saying you're such a good mom, You're such a good mom, You're such a good mom Because I mean the guilt Right.

Speaker 1: 30:02

You can imagine how a person might feel.

Speaker 3: 30:04

Yeah, you know, it's like of course there's nothing she could do, right, but they had to make the choice, right, you know. And so I just kept saying you're such a good mom, you're such a good mom, yeah. And my brother walked into the room and Dawn looked at him and she said you want to hold her? And Darren said, said Chris, ken first. And I looked over at him and he goes she's your baby too. Yeah, and so then I got to hold her and I was the last one to leave the hospital that night. I couldn't leave. I felt like if I left then, it was real then it's actually done.

Speaker 3: 30:39

Yeah, and I, they cleared everything out of her room. There was nothing in there, it was just this empty room and I just sat. I sat on the floor and I was just like it was. It was. I can't explain it. It's the deepest depth of grief. I can't imagine it being worse. I really can't. Yeah, you know, and I remember driving home. I don't know how I did, but I drove home. I remember I'm driving on 94 and I just start screaming at the top of my lungs because I could never show my emotion, of course.

Speaker 1: 31:16

Well, you've got all the kiddos with you all the time.

Speaker 3: 31:19

I either had Drew or I had Abby. I'm always someone where, in a crisis, I'm like what can I do to help? Yeah, Like that's what I focus on. So I was alone and I just screamed, yeah. And when I got home it was late. And I got home and I went into this room where I had bought some Christmas presents already. She died in November. Okay, so I'd like started to buy some Christmas presents and I pulled out in November. And so I started to buy some Christmas presents and I pulled out the ones I had bought for Devin and I curled up in a fetal position. I just held them and just sobbed and I just can't even put justice to it with words for just how deep of a hole I was in. And the next day I remember I got up and I'm like, well, I have to find something to wear to a funeral.

Speaker 1: 32:10

The things that we, you have to do and the things you have to think about.

Speaker 3: 32:14

And at the time I was real thin because of the stress, like I just wasn't eating, I was just like, I was just like a stick figure and um. So I had to like find something that I could wear. You know, and I remember I went shopping that day and I was like in a freaking TJ Maxx looking for like a pair of like black, like nice boots.

Speaker 1: 32:35

You know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 32:36

That I could wear in November for a freaking funeral for a three-year-old and I was standing in the aisle and people are milling about and doing stuff and I remember thinking I'm dying right now. I am like dying inside and nobody can see it, nobody knows, and it's amazing the perspective shift that put for me in terms of never knowing what's going on in another person's life and trying my damnedest to not judge someone right because I don't know what's going on. Here I am at a goddamn tj maxx when my three and a half year old child didn't you know right niece died and I held her dead body in my arms and I'm like tj maxx walking around right and and everyone, everyone just gets to go about their normal life and you're just dying yeah, and I was like mad at everyone in a way, you know, it's like yeah, how dare you you know, how dare you be here?

Speaker 1: 33:38

yeah, how dare you have, how dare you exist?

Speaker 3: 33:40

yeah, you know, and just it was just such a crazy time. And then, um, she died on a thursday and so her funeral was like on that monday and so over the weekend. A thing with me is I will write like I just write for healing and yeah and stuff, and I sat down at my computer and I just spilled out a eulogy unbeknownst to me, and it was one draft and it just poured out of me.

Speaker 3: 34:12

I didn't tell anyone I was doing it. Well, my brother did the same thing and so he said well, should we do it together? You? Know, and yeah, that's so. At her funeral we got up and held arms and went up and I can. I remember everything I said and and I know it started with did you know you're looking at the luckiest person in the world?

Speaker 1: 35:07

That's true.

Speaker 3: 35:07

I may not have a huge house or fancy clothes or you know 10 cars, but I'm the luckiest person in the world because I got to meet an angel, an angel named Devin, and it just poured out of me. You know the whole thing, and I'd written a poem when she was about a year old and I recited that at the end and you know, freaking sad funeral.

Speaker 3: 35:14

I mean of course right um, but it was healing to be able to do that, you know, and to like have my brother there with me as we poured our hearts out for everyone. I remember every single person that was there yeah, it was at Mount Olivet, which is is a big church.

Speaker 1: 35:25

That's the church I belong to.

Speaker 3: 35:26

Yeah, it was packed that main sanctuary was packed and yeah, it was a surreal time and you know I'm still I'm a mom to an 18-month-old and trying to like figure out what the hell I'm doing. And trying to like figure out what the hell I'm doing and after Dev was gone, I was like I would just kind of Jay and I that was my first husband, we would call it like that mommy's gone to her Devon place, because I would just kind of like move, like my consciousness would just kind of like leave me for a little bit yeah, I would just kind of be staring off in the distance.

Speaker 3: 36:06

Yeah, you know, and it's like you know, I've got this beautiful little girl in my lap trying to like get my attention Right and I'd be like Right Off. And you know, life goes on, you figure, yeah, you start to move forward, but there is always a devon sized hole in my heart, of course, and you know I had my second daughter, maya, who is pure joy like I swear devon chose her for me, like she knew what I needed and that's what I got.

Speaker 3: 36:40

she's just been know, this joy of a human, and Darren and Dawn had another child, josh who will be? Turning 18 this year, wow, yeah, and Devin would have been 24 this year, oh my gosh, yeah, and it seems like yesterday and forever ago. Right, you know that which is so?

Speaker 1: 37:03

interesting thing about time. You know like barely remember it. I remember every single second.

Speaker 3: 37:08

I mean, both of those things can coexist, yep yep, and you know, grief is not linear and, um, I can still go to my devon place place, but it's not as frequent and more often than not there's happiness than sadness. Right when I think of her, you know, like the first thought isn't just sadness anymore. Yes, but she's always a missing piece wherever we're at, and it's always like you know where would Deb be right now. What?

Speaker 1: 37:46

would she look like you?

Speaker 3: 37:47

know that little boy that was born the same day he got to live, to be 16. Oh my goodness, he died when he got his heart transplant and just you know, his body didn't take it, rejected it.

Speaker 1: 38:01

Oh no, that's horrible yeah.

Speaker 3: 38:04

But we know of another heart family whose journey started as ours was ending. Their daughter had a heart transplant and it worked and she's now engaged to be married. Oh, you know. So it's like you see this, these heart families who call each other. Right, you know, and and it's a, it's a bitter sweetness, of course to see you know thrilled for these children, like truly thrilled, yes and also oh god, why wasn't that David?

Speaker 3: 38:34

yeah, because I remember this other family whose daughter had a heart transplant when she was about 12. You know, on caring bridge, they like were close and everything, so I was following it, you know, constantly checking it for updates. And when she got her heart transplant, you know, on CaringBridge, they like were posting everything, so I was following it, you know, constantly checking it for updates. And when she got her heart transplant, you know, I'm just like again praying to whatever.

Speaker 3: 38:52

Right, please let this work, and the next day they posted a picture of her and I won't say her name because it's, you know, not there. They're not here to say it you know, but they posted her picture and her lips were pink and, as a heart family, you know what that means, right?

Speaker 1: 39:09

everything's working. Yeah, as it should.

Speaker 3: 39:11

She has pink lips instead of blue, purple lips, you know, and I just started bawling. I was working at the time still and I was bawling like at my desk and trying to explain to people what would it?

Speaker 1: 39:26

what was?

Speaker 3: 39:26

happening to you. Yeah, um, so you know there's, there's stories of ones that have made it, you know, and, and it's beautiful okay, so that's where we're going to stop for today.

Speaker 1: 39:40

Next week, you'll get the second half of this amazing conversation with Christine Jensen, and we've got something really fun to share with you right now. This is actually a part of the second half of Chris's conversation with me today, but I'm going to I'm going to a little spoiler alert. I'm going to spill the beans today. I'm going to spill the beans today. Chris has offered a 20% discount to all of you listeners on her entire collection on her website 20%, everybody. I will link all this information in the show notes.

Speaker 1: 40:17

Um, but what you do is you just head over to Jensen natural jewelrycom jensennaturaljewelrycom, pick out anything you'd like and then use discount code Nikki20, which is N-I-C-K-I-E 20. You put that discount in, you get 20% off of your full purchase, which is amazing, and I know that you're going to love Christine's arts as much as I do, so make sure you use that discount. Buy yourself some presents Mother's Day is coming up, so you could definitely be thinking about gifts for your favorite moms in the world and, yeah, use the discount a bajillion times a bajillion at least. Okay, that is it for today and, as always, thank you for healing and growing with me and as always.

Speaker 2: 41:09

Thank you for healing and growing with me. This podcast is for informational purposes only and should not be considered legal, health or professional advice. I am not responsible for any losses, damages or liabilities that may arise from the use of this podcast. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice.