EmpowerHER: Shattering the Superwoman Myth and Embracing Authenticity

What does it truly mean to be a Superwoman? Ciara Walker our special guest in this episode, believes it's about knowing yourself, being true to yourself, and accepting that giving your all to everything isn’t always feasible. Ciara's journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and resilience began when she found herself as a single working mom at the age of 22. Her struggle with societal expectations, perfectionism, and her pursuit of a healthier, balanced life offer a fresh and insightful perspective into the narratives often associated with superwomen.

Ciara candidly shares her experiences, shedding light on being a black woman and the unique set of pressures that position holds. She challenges the stereotypes often associated with black women and passionately advocates for the importance of supporting each other in our communities. She exemplifies the strength it takes to prioritize self-care, confront the unrealistic expectations society places on women, and carve out a path that is true to oneself. Ciara's wisdom provides a valuable source of inspiration for all those grappling with the superwoman myth.

Throughout this compelling conversation, Ciara inspires us to redefine the superwoman mindset. She shares her experiences with the transformative power of self-care and the importance of asking for help when needed. Ciara wants women to know that it's okay to not be perfect and that embracing authenticity is the key to empowerment. So, join us to hear about her transformative journey. This episode is more than just an exploration of the superwoman narrative, it's a testament to the strength, resilience, and authenticity of women worldwide.

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Transcript

Speaker 1 0:20

Today we have a remarkable guest, Mrs C Errowalker, and she wears multiple hats she's a loving wife, a dedicated working mom and a successful entrepreneur, just to name a few, because she has a whole lot going on, and she's joining us today as we dive into the concept of being a superwoman and the challenges it brings, especially in the modern world. So welcome, thank you for having me. Awesome, I'm so happy you're here. So, just for the audience knowledge, I've known Sierra I don't know probably over 20 years now, about 22 years, about 22 years. So we have a very long history and I've seen her grow, I've seen her be a superwoman. So she's going to share her experience about this superwoman concept. So let's just talk about it, let's just jump into it. So we know society often places unrealistic expectations on women to be successful, to be perfect in every aspect of their lives and to just juggle multiple roles seamlessly. But I want you to share your thoughts on what it really means to be a superwoman.

Speaker 2 1:46

I think, for me at least, being a superwoman is knowing who you are, staying true to yourself, and it's nothing wrong with juggling all the things. But if you're not able to being okay with that Like I spent a lot of time, especially early in my marriage, because I wear so many hats and I juggle so many things, whenever I would not purposely, but whenever I would neglect one area, I would feel like I'm failing. So if I put my all into my kids, then maybe I wasn't doing enough with my husband. If I put my all into my husband, then maybe I felt like I wasn't being a great mom. If I only focused on my home life, then work was getting the short end of the stick and vice versa. So I feel like there is always going to be some area where you feel like you're not give. I mean you can't give 100% to everything. Maybe something can be 75 or 85% and then something else is going to get what you have love. But for me what's important is making sure that whatever you are pouring yourself into that you're making sure you fill in yourself up first. So that's what's important, because I can try to be a superwoman to everybody around me, but I'm not first taking care of myself, nobody's going to get the best parts of me anyway.

Speaker 2 3:02

So I love this topic because the first time I had experiences with change and what that definition meant for me, I remember breaking down and telling my mom like I just feel like I'm not doing enough. And she reminded me it was actually on a birthday post. She reminded me that when I was five years old I asked her to sing to me a lullaby and she goes like a bedtime song and she goes what song do you want to hear? And so she's thinking I'm going to ask for like twinkle, twinkle little star or something. And at five years old I started singing. I'm not your superwoman.

Speaker 2 3:41

So for those of you who don't know, it's a song by. It's written by Babyface, produced by Layrie and Karen White. I think you said it again, karen White sang it. This was performed in 1988, so I was only five years old. And for me to identify with that song at that age, that really speaks to who I am at my core. I'm not your superwoman, I'm not Now. My husband will probably say otherwise and my children will say that I am, and every since, a superwoman. But I no longer put all of those pressures and constraints on myself. I know my limits. If I'm tired, I'm going to take a nap.

Speaker 2 4:20

I'm not going to push myself to where I'm getting sick, like I'm just not, it's not important to me anymore. So yeah, I can talk on and on all day about that subject.

Speaker 1 4:31

I love it, though. We're off to a really good start because, you know, society puts so much pressure on on us as women and we think it's a great thing if we're able to do, you know, all these multiple things, but, quite honestly, it's really just overwhelming, and trying to balance all those roles can really, you know, make things even more chaotic. Yeah, but I'm wondering, you know, how is it that you initially embraced the idea of being a superwoman?

Speaker 2 5:09

I think honestly it was probably looking at my mom and all of the women in my family, all of the women that played a role in raising me. You know, you grow up and you see all of these incredible strong women, like they're doing everything, like so my mother I don't think there was a time where somebody wasn't at our house, like she literally opened our doors to everyone. I even have friends from school come and stay with us at some point in time, like on two different occasions. I have friends from school that literally stay with us. I think it was about two weeks at a time for each friend. Now I can't even imagine I'm a mom. Now I can't even imagine my children telling me oh so, and so got into an argument with their mom, can they come live with us? No, oh, my, absolutely not. But that's who my mom was. Somebody was like you know, having a hard time and needed to get back on their feet. She opened up her doors and said hey, you can stay with us until you get on your feet, you don't have to pay for anything. So I did adapt that from her. Like we have, my husband and I, we always say we got this big house we got extra space. Sure, why not? As long as you're not interrupting our peace and disrespecting our home, we'll open our doors to you.

Speaker 2 6:26

I think that's one of the things I picked up from her and, just like I said, watching my mom juggle so many things. So I feel like it probably started when I was in, I would say, elementary school or even, yeah, as early as elementary school Because, for instance, I remember, I vividly remember, being a headstart, my mom was taking college courses, so she would drop me off at headstart. And then, because I remember like walking through the little tunnels and everything, because it like connected the schools, so I will go to school and then she will go to school. And then, as I got older, when she had my little sister, I remember my brother and I we were older, so we would just run off and play by herself, but she was in class while pregnant, like eight months pregnant, with my sister, and I turned around and did the same thing like just going through college, you know, while pregnant. I know that, I know that pregnancy is not a disability, but for a woman to just keep marching forward and not stop and not just want to sleep all day when she, when she has to be right to. I think that says a lot about her determination.

Speaker 2 7:34

So just being a young girl and watching my mom do all of these different things you know, working full time, always working full time, but still being very present at our schools Our teachers knew who she was. She still helped us with homework and it wasn't in a sense that she provided a crutch for us. It was more so like because she held us accountable. So if we need to help it, better not have been because we were not paying attention, because her time is valuable. So she always told us at young ages our only job is to go to school, pay attention to our teachers, and so when we came home, if we needed a little bit more assistance or if it was like an extra project or something, she was there helping us. She would have her cup of coffee and we'd be putting together a project. So this is, I mean even.

Speaker 2 8:22

I remember in middle school, when we moved across to the other side of town. I was 12 years old. I had been in this school since I was in kindergarten. So it was like my last year. I didn't want to leave my friends, everything that I knew and my mom literally woke up at 430 in the morning to drive me and my siblings all the way to the other side of town. So she would drop us off at my grandmother's house and we would walk to school with our cousins. She go to work and then come back and get us. So that to me that's a super woman.

Speaker 2 8:52

And as I got older and I became a parent, I just always reflected back on what I saw her doing and what I remember and I would call her sometimes like mom, how did you do it? I mean just going to the amusement park with your kids. We were going to shut the park down. I mean from like the moment they opened those gates until the lights went off. We were there and I called her the first time I took my kids. So like I can't remember if it was Six Flats or something, it was probably like Disney I said, how on earth did you do this? Like I'm tired, I don't want to sit in a hot sun. And you know what she told me. She said honestly, sierra, I just wanted to make sure that we got our money's worth. It was a sacrifice to take you out to these places. So we were going to go and enjoy ourselves and I was like, okay, that changed my perspective.

Speaker 2 9:44

But yeah, it would have to be my mom and like all of the women in my family, my aunts, my grandmothers, my grandmother on my dad's side, she raised 10 children, that's amazing 10, yes, wow 10, so I have so many different variations of what superwoman means to me because of what I saw and then I was able to take all of those different examples and I have pieces, bits and pieces of every woman that I was able to incorporate into my life and for my own definition.

Speaker 2 10:19

I have a lot of great women to look up to, but I don't dare try to feel their shoes because their journey was their journey. You know, we all have our cross to carry and so I'm very much in tune with that. I don't try to I don't compare myself for anything like that, but I do. I hold on to what I saw them do as inspiration, and so on those days that it get difficult for me or I might feel like something is too hard, I just kind of lean on the shoulders of those women before me but like, okay, if they did it, I can do it. If they were able to do this with 10 children, I know I can do it with mine, you know.

Speaker 1 10:55

Yeah, that's some. You know it's so crazy. You say that because one of the things that you mentioned is that you embraced that superwoman lifestyle because of the women in your family. You know, and I think, the idea of this generational connection. You know, we've seen our moms do it, so you know that's and they were and they are and were great examples for us.

Challenges of a Single Working Mom

Speaker 1 11:26

I know, in my family, my mom, she was a singer mom. She wasn't a superwoman by any means. Mom was just focused on, you know, the things that she wanted to do. Right, she had a plan she can make a family meal out of $2, right, she was just very creative in that aspect, but she definitely wasn't a superwoman. And then you said something about you know that your mom would do all these things and then she would come and be present. Now, you know that's a struggle for a lot of people. That's feeding into this, probably all of us, right, yeah, that's feeding into this narrative of being a superwoman. Well, can you share, like some stories or some of your experiences of the difficulty or the struggle with trying to be present while you're trying to do all these million and one things and trying to please everybody?

Speaker 2 12:31

I would say the time that was the hardest for me was when I was a single mom. I had just got out of the military and I moved to Georgia and I was newly single. I had this two-year-old son to take care of, no support here. I had one family member who was my uncle, and he lived like over an hour away from me, so that was basically like I was by myself and I literally only had him listed as my emergency contact, like, but we didn't see each other because he was so far, he was an hour away, but with traffic is even further. So I remember because I worked two jobs, so I would work my main job, a 16-hour shift, and then I would get off work and wait and see if I had to go right back, because oftentimes you had to do mandatory overtime and so all they required was that you're off for a period of eight hours, but in that eight hours you're supposed to sleep, take care of your home, cook all of these different things, right? So really it's not eight full hours, because you have to take into consideration your commute and whatever else you got to do on top of resting, because I worked the night shift. And so I remember thinking like these are the most important years of my baby's life and I'm literally spending all of my time at work and what got me through that season was knowing that, while I'm missing out on a lot of time, that I won't be able to get back, I knew that I was making the right decision in taking care of him, because I know that when he got older he would have appreciated me providing a home for him where he never wanted for anything, never needed anything or never went without any necessities. Because I sacrificed as opposed to me being there with him and we both sit in the house looking at each other hungry. So I always I was always, even though I had to work in mom guilt. I was always able to go back to my why. Well, why am I doing this? Why am I working so hard? And as long as that why made sense, and it put things into perspective. Then I stopped feeling bad about it as he got older and then I ended up having his sister.

Speaker 2 14:52

I remember feeling like these schools really don't care about working moms. They look down on us actually because we're trying to provide for our kids, and by now I'm remarried in everything, and I remember feeling singled out and isolated because I wanted to be like my mom. I wanted to join the PTA and do all of the things at the schools and come and read to the kindergartners. But what they did was they will always schedule things during working hours, even stuff that was considered extracurricular. It would still be within the regular business hours or banking hours. And so I will always ask them why can't you do anything after five? Like there's a lot of us mothers who are here that you know we want to be a part of everything that we have going on at the school and so little stuff like that.

Speaker 2 15:44

It was always a struggle for me trying to maintain that balance. But again, I just always remember why I'm doing what I'm doing and I'm real good at being self-motivated and I stick to my vision. When I have a plan, I stick to it. I don't really deviate much from whatever it is I'm going after. I might get delayed, but I'm not deviating from that plan. And so, even though I had a few obstacles along the way and you know, like I said, there were times where I felt the guilt I just kept going forward because I knew all of my hard work, everything that I'm doing. I'm building a life that my children there's a saying right now in social media I'm building a life that my children won't need therapy from. I'm confident that the children that I, once they leave my home, I'm raising incredible human beings. I know that when they leave my home, they have everything that they need and I've done my best and that's all that I can ask for. So, yeah, I hope I answered the question. I feel like I ran off on a tangent.

Speaker 1 16:44

No, you're right, right where you need to be. I love it, though, because you know at that stage in your life how old were you.

Speaker 2 16:55

When I was a single mom.

Speaker 1 16:57

Like when you first moved back to up to.

Speaker 2 16:59

When I first moved back it was right before I turned 22. Wow, I was 21, going on 22 because it was that summer. So yeah, it was tough. I would do 40 hours and two and a half days.

Speaker 1 17:13

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 2 17:14

From Saturday to Monday I would work 40 hours and then I had mandatory overtime, so you can imagine how exhausted I was. And then I would say, like a little, probably about a year after that we're not even a full year maybe several months after I was working at Crazy Schedule, I started picking up classes, like I would take classes here and there to get into healthcare, because I thought, okay, this is good money, but I'm not happy. It's good money, but I can't see my son. I decided to go into healthcare.

Speaker 1 17:44

So I like how you sort of flip the script because you so the picture is okay. You subscribe to this superwoman narrative, right, because you felt like this is what we needed to do. Right, you know, and it's what we knew, is what we saw, what we grew up with. But then, at 22, you still had the presence of mind to say you know what? This isn't working for me. Something has to change, because there is more to life than this.

Speaker 1 18:23

You had a child, a young child, that you had to take care of, and I think what I love most about your story is that you were able to see that continuing down this path of trying to do it all just wasn't working and you made a conscious decision to flip the script. So I guess, how did you overcome those challenges, like what were some of the things? Because this superwoman myth is just, you know, it's, it's bare and people believe that this thing is real and it's really not. So I want to know you know, how did you overcome, or are you still overcoming, some of those challenges of this superwoman narrative?

Speaker 2 19:12

I don't know if it's just my personality type or just my. I get great fulfillment from being there for people and taking care of people and being, like you know, being the person that has the solutions to whatever problem you're facing. So I think, in a sense, that I'm still overcoming that. But the difference now is I give myself grace. I give myself grace Like I know that I just I can't do it all, even if I want to. Yeah, now the old Sierra, back at twenty one, twenty two.

Speaker 2 19:45

I will hear somebody's story and I will automatically they will to get to turn it and I'll try to figure out how how can I correct this issue. For now I don't move unless God tells me do I'm not doing something or becoming a part of something, unless I know that I'm absolutely supposed to. So was for sure grace. I have to give myself grace. I know that I can't do it all and then being OK with just doing life one thing at a time, I focus on small portions of whatever it I have. You know, we have. You know how, whenever you're about to get into a relationship, they say well, what do you bring into the table? What do you bring into the table? Yeah, whatever you bring to the table you focus on, you know this little if you bring in a full portion control or if you bring in a table Like I just I don't know how to focus on just a little bit at a time.

Redefining the Superwoman Mindset

Speaker 2 20:44

And even if I am in a season where I have to mark these tasks, like right now I'm watching testing a lot like open, my husband with his business, I have my career, I just switched to a different hospital, so that comes along with a whole lot. I've got some other goals in motion for you know the purpose of elevation. So all of these things that I have going on, I tried to, I tried to pace myself and I tried to remember that, ok, the busyness right now is just for a season and and I'm OK with if I can't do something, if I might have plans to like grand plans to do all of these great things, and then if something happens to where I have to reschedule, then I'm OK with that, as opposed to beating myself up like before. Like I said before, I used to feel bad or feel like, oh, maybe I'm not as good of like my mom could all the time, and then when she wasn't cooking, she taught me how to cook, so I was picking up the pieces.

Speaker 2 21:42

I'm not that mom. If I don't work and you know, 12 hour shift and I got all of these things going on. We might have gone get a pizza Right. Or my husband, he, he does so much, he cooks a lot when I'm tired. But like I pay attention to Just my mood too, like I'm not about to go in the kitchen if I'm, if I'm exhausted or I'm feeling, if I had a rough day because I like to give my family food that's made with love, so I'm having a hard day Then that food is probably going to be like let me just throw this together and slide it on the table.

Speaker 1 22:20

No, I love that you said that, you. It depends on your mood too, because I really want to my mood? Yeah, because if you want to cook a meal you said I love what you just said you want to serve that meal with love. I do. People don't realize how much trying to be this superwoman impacts your, your quality of life, I mean, and it's not just yours, it's you know.

Speaker 2 22:44

You know the lives of your children.

Speaker 1 22:46

Yeah, and it takes away so much. I love that you said that I never even really thought about it that way. You know how much it can impact your life. So it's refreshing to hear how you've managed to redefine, or still redefining, your, your identity, and I think it's important to acknowledge that striving for perfection in all areas can take a toll on anybody.

Speaker 2 23:19

It makes you anxious? Because I was. I will say that to my core. I am a perfectionist. Like I do things in excellence. See, like I don't like shortcuts, I don't like have doing something. I'm the person in school there's a group project. I'm going to be the one to put it together because I want to make sure that I'm getting a. I'm not going to trust you. You might be a good student, but I don't know what you do. I don't know what type of papers you're submitted to the teacher, so let me do it.

Speaker 1 23:46

Right.

Speaker 2 23:47

But even with that, that comes with a price. And so I told a lot of times I tell myself, if we got a group project, I'm not doing everything at this time, and I still end up doing it. And what I do. Now I've learned to give myself more time, extra time. So instead of telling people, oh just submit your your portion to me about two days before the deadline, Now you're going to give it to me a whole week before, so I'm not putting that much pressure on myself. So, yeah, that professionalism. Professionalism and procrastination those are the two things that are just terrible for anybody.

Speaker 1 24:23

All the time. Now, earlier you said that you were one of the ways in which you kind of debunk or or try to redefine the superwoman lifestyle is you give yourself grace and not show you. Basically, you can say no, you know, you feel like you don't have to do anything. I want to talk about the grace part because a lot of women feel they don't have to give themselves grace. A lot of women don't even know what what grace is. Can you talk a little bit more about that?

Speaker 2 25:00

I think for me it means just knowing. So it's a broad definition, right, mm-hmm, you know your limits, right, knowing what you can and cannot handle. And like, remember I was saying earlier, sometimes I might have all of these grand plans to do all of these magnificent things, right, and it's not going to happen to where the plans I can't see them through or maybe the timing is off. Well, grace comes in and allows me to say it's okay, sierra, you know, things change. It's okay. I don't beat myself up anymore like I would have in the past. I would be like oh my gosh, I can't believe it's taking you so long to do this. Why is he? Oh my gosh, you cannot believe that you did this laundry and you still haven't folded. I guess it's okay, those clothes are clean. That's what matters.

Speaker 2 25:51

If I'm tired, my rest is more important than anything. Oh, you're preaching them. Wish myself. But right now I feel like my generation. We preach so much about the hustle and the grind, and then all of these young people and young entrepreneurs are having all of these heart issues because they're not resting, they're not giving their bodies time to recuperate and heal itself. So my mom always says I'm the queen of rest, because I do not play about my rest. I work hard but I rest just as hard. So, like I'm the person on vacation, I'm not creating a night tenor, I'm not about to have you doing all kind of scut I'm going to relax on the beach by some water, because that's what rest is for me Time to meditate and really get myself together. Get myself together and just focus on where I want to go next in life. You know.

Support and Empowerment for Black Women

Speaker 1 26:50

Yeah, and that's good, because we can't be our fully present selves if our cup is empty. So you know that self-care is so, so, so important. But I'm wondering, you know, what advice do you have for women who feel trapped in this superwoman mindset or feel pressured to be the strong woman and afraid of embracing their vulnerability? So you know they're afraid a little, they're struggling to embrace their true selves. What advice would you give women?

Speaker 2 27:33

They got to figure out where it comes from. Sometimes it comes from a void that you have in your own life. So for me, like I said, I like taking care of people, I like being the solution, I like serving other people. But a lot of ways I've learned as I grew up and learned more about myself. I realized that I give people what I felt like I didn't have, especially with my kids. My parents were great, they did the best they could, but there's like certain aspects of childhood that I think everybody has a story they can tell about how they were raised, right?

Speaker 2 28:11

And so as you start, you know, being around children whether it's your own children or children in your family or even just in your community, if you're a part of the village of some child you try to pour into them in ways that you wish someone had poured into you, and so the first thing for that is to figure out where it's coming from. What is the underlying reason that you want to be a superwoman or you feel like you need to be a superwoman? I don't know if it meant anything. I am honest with what I got going on. I don't fake it anymore. I tell my family I lean on my support system. I tell my husband when my load is heavy, I tell my parents, even though I'm grown and going out their house.

Speaker 2 28:54

I tell them like, hey, this is hard, what did you do? How did you get through these moments when you dealt with XYZ? Whenever I was the queen of calling my mom for parents' questions, I remember the first time I made a Thanksgiving dinner I was like what on earth was I doing when she was cooking all these Thanksgiving meals? And then I realized like, oh, I was out performing, like I always performed in like the Thanksgiving a-per-raise in the band, so I really wasn't home when she was cooking those huge meals and I didn't realize it. And so I was older and had to do it myself and I was like, how do you make dressing? I could throw my whole first Thanksgiving meal on the phone with my mom and my aunt. But that's just a good example of leaning on your village, leaning on your support system, asking for help. It's okay to ask for help Like a superwoman trying to do everything herself, but then it's not sustainable. You're gonna break at some point. You have to lean on your support system for help.

Speaker 1 29:55

That's powerful, because that can be the. That's the death of us when we try, when we just don't understand our limitations. We have to accept our limitations, we have to prioritize our self-care and we have to embrace those errors and which are vulnerable. I love that. You said look, you're just not faking it anymore, I just say where I'm at. When you talk to your husband, you tell him where he's. Look, this is a little bit heavy for me to carry and you tap into your support system. You know, you often hear people say, well, I just have to do this all by myself and just that, and I don't want to ask people for help. But the reality is that's why a lot of us feel the way we do, because we don't know how to tap into our support system, and I absolutely love that. You said look, mom, I don't know. Look, I don't know what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 30:50

Help, help, help me. So I think like just not asking for help that's being prideful is creating self-imposed stress, anxiety, depression. Who want to feel like that? So I just. The Bible says we are to live a long and prosperous life, and so my life isn't adding up to what that word says is supposed to be. I try to do everything I can to match up to what his word says. And I have life, and I have it abundantly. So abundance from it, and it doesn't have to be just wealth. Abundance can be an abundance of love and abundance of joy, peace, happy, all of those things. And so I'm telling you I really lean on my support system Nowadays it's more so my husband, my daughter, because it's just us at home, and I have a couple of close friends and family members, friends that are like family, and that's it.

Speaker 2 31:47

And I made sure I was spending time connected with God. Sometimes, when I have so much going on in my head, it's hard for me to sit down and quiet my thoughts, and so I'll write. Journalism helps me a lot. I feel like I communicate better when I write, and so I literally will write my prayers out to God, and the good thing is I'm doing this in a way I'm trying to relieve whatever stress I'm under, but then I'm able to go back and read all of the different things that bothered me before, or all of the things that I desired back. Then I can go back and read those prior journal entries that turn into testimonies Wow.

Speaker 1 32:27

You know it's funny because I remember a time in my own life when I was just doing I was everything to everyone and I didn't realize how burned out I was. And to hear you say that you keep God in the center, that you talk to God often, that you find a way to get your thoughts out by journaling, I think sometimes you know we forget, you know where our source comes from, right, where the source of our help comes from. And you know I love God to the utmost and even, but sometimes even I forget. You know, because I'm just so in the moment of trying to do it all and you know forget. Okay. Well, lord, you know you're where my help comes from, so I love that you're able to remember and to tap into him. And he's always there. That's the thing is like he is look, he is on call.

Speaker 2 33:32

I think it's about time I was waiting for you to come back to me and tell me how to help you get through this. That's when he talks to me.

Challenging Stereotypes and Empowering Black Women

Speaker 1 33:40

It's about time. Yeah, while he's just watching us, you know, go through, because he's trying to teach us something at the same time. So I absolutely love that. Now, one of the things that I really want to talk about, you know, we have I call it the elephant in the room Debunking these stereotypes that people place on black women. Now, I've experienced it myself where I may do something well, exceptionally well, or, you know, I'm multitask, and someone will say, oh, look at you, you strong black woman, you just got it all together. And in my younger day I used to think, oh, thank you, you know, thinking it was a compliment. But as you get older, you realize that you're not a black woman, you realize that it really isn't. So, as a successful black woman, you've probably encountered some of these societal narratives too, about being a strong black woman. Right, a strong black woman, right, she's in academics. Yeah, exactly, exactly. So how can we challenge and debunk these stereotypes to empower black women in all walks of life?

Speaker 2 35:01

That is a good question. So I think it first begins with making sure that we're not becoming the stereotype that's out there about us. So, for instance, when we deal with disappointing tactics and it's not just with the different races but even our male counterparts we just have to do so much compared to everybody else. And so, knowing who we are, knowing the power that we possess and owning that power and not allowing anybody to use it against us, I remember in this one academic program I was in when I lived in California, I was the only black woman there and I felt so much pressure and weight and the teacher these were prerequisite classes we had to take to even apply to nursing school. So I hadn't even gotten into nursing school yet and I remember the classes you take to kind of get weeded out of the selection process. It was a very competitive and difficult program and I remember the teacher had she assigned numbers to us and so whenever all of the grades were posted, they were posted publicly but nobody knew whose number was whose, unless you had like a friend and you told them. And so I remember this one really hard exam we took was on a microbiology class, and whoever had a low score. It wasn't me, but there was somebody had made the comment oh, we all know who scored that one is I'm the only black woman, right? And so I remember thinking to myself I know he ain't talking about me, because I wanted a heavyweight saying here, you better not be talking about me.

Speaker 2 36:35

And then I remember just having to retrain my mind. You know what? I don't care what it is that they think about me. I don't care because, remember, we have all of the stuff happened with affirmative action and everything done, trying to prove to people that I deserve to be where I'm at. Yeah, it's not because of no quota. I'm not your token black girl. I'm here because I am a number one. Favor from God, right, that's first and foremost. I'm here because I'm qualified, I have the credentials, I've earned a seat, just like you did. And so once I started training, retrain in my mind. Then guess what it followed?

Speaker 1 37:17

I love it because you're right, there is a lot of pressure on us as black women, and that is a fact. We are one of the most underrepresented, if not the most underrepresented group in society and having the added pressure of doing things well all of the time, it's just, it's a lot. And I think one of the things I feel like it's really crucial to understand that strength comes in various forms. Right, and being a strong black woman doesn't mean suppressing emotions or carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. We just can't do it and I don't know how society came to this, to this falsehood of thinking. You know we can do it all, but I find it refreshing to know that you know, look, we're emotional human beings. You know that we're creating space within our own community, now, in this generation, to say okay, it's okay, you don't have to do it all, you can cry a little, you can scream when the load is to heavy.

Speaker 2 38:38

I cry a lot. I get me some nice good flimsy cries out all the time.

Speaker 1 38:46

We have to do it, because what happens on the inside if we don't, can you imagine? I mean, oh my goodness, I just think about our parents when they were grown. Like I said before, you know, my mom was not a superwoman, she just did what she had to do. And I just think about you know, the elders, what they had to go through, and you know, doing all this just to be validated or just to be seen, and it's a lot. And even today, you know, black women are. There's still a lot of pressure on us and I feel like that needs to change. But how do we do it right? So how can we challenge this narrative as it relates to black women and create a more supportive environment for women and just move away from this superwoman myth?

Speaker 2 39:45

I think the onus is on us as women. We have to make sure that you know they have that saying. You know, I'm our brother's keeper. We gotta be that for each other. We have to look out for our sisters. Yeah, I have empathy. Yeah, right, we have to make sure if we see a sister struggling and going through something, don't talk about her. Reach out to her and ask her how you can help her, how you can uplift her. We see, I remember, I remember when I was younger and there was very strict guidelines in church right, couldn't wear pants, women couldn't wear pants. You couldn't wear red lipstick, red nail polish, I mean all of these. I don't wanna say ridiculous, but to me as a kid I felt they were ridiculous rules.

Speaker 1 40:31

They were ridiculous.

Speaker 2 40:33

I think the woman is gonna be out here being a Jezebel or something. Is she gonna do it? Or is she gonna wear lipstick or chapstick? So I'd never understood that stuff. So I brought that example up because back in those days, if you walked into the church and you had all of these things that you weren't supposed to have on, people were gonna be looking at you crazy Instead of being like man. It's a good thing that this person came. They know where to come when they need help right Now. Granted, there are gonna be some people that are gonna come for the wrong reasons. That's a given. That's anywhere in life.

Speaker 2 41:06

But I just brought that example up just to remind people, especially women, because women can be so catty and judgmental and competitive. Just to get out of that, like we are adults, we're all grown women and so just to remember what comes along with that and each one, teach one, really reach back in and see, try to utilize all of the resources that you have and your different things that you went through. Figure out how you can help somebody else go through. I am a firm believer that the things that I go through is not just for myself, so whatever it is that I overcame. I can now use my testimony to help somebody else come through it. I can't tell you how many women I've been able to encourage just by being open and transparent about the things that I've been able to overcome.

Speaker 2 41:56

This one girl came up to me years ago and she said I want what you got. And I said what you mean. She was like you're just your family, so beautiful, and your husband, he loves you. And I said you don't know what I went through to get here, right, you don't know how many nights I cried. You don't know all of the spiritual warfare I went through. And so even something as simple as that, you know, don't go outside with no mask on. You know your mask, your lipstick, you got it all together, face beat, but on the inside you hurting. No like, be honest and transparent. And that honesty and transparency is gonna tell somebody else without even telling your business. It's gonna tell somebody else oh, it's okay not to be perfect, it's okay not to have it all together. I don't have to be superwoman. I'm a super great mom if I'm not superwoman.

Speaker 1 42:43

Absolutely 100%, and I love that. You know you said that, look, women we have. Basically, we have to stick together, we have to have empathy for each other and we have to lift each other up and I feel, you know, a lot of times that's what's missing. You know we're trying to impress and outdo, you know, the other woman and it makes no sense to me. But you also said that one of the things that you did was sharing your story with other women. You know, because you know you never know somebody might be struggling with the same thing that you struggled with and you're just sharing your story to encourage them, to help them overcome. But I think the beautiful thing about you sharing your stories that you actually wrote a book based on some of the things that, based on your testimony, some of the things that you've overcome, and you wrote a prayer for purpose. It's a 21 day devotional journal for women. How did that book come about?

Speaker 2 43:52

That book came about. It was actually going into a 21 day fast that I did with my church and I was just fed up. I remember I had an attitude, so that's why my first day of the fast is on forgiveness. But it's just going back to documenting all of the things that I had prayed about and they're very simple, easy prayers. It's not nothing crazy where you're praying for like a whole hour and that's nothing to run with that, absolutely nothing to run with that. But the way my ADD is set up yeah, to the point is precise is title prayer for purpose, because it's literally focused prayers.

Embracing Authenticity and Challenging Stereotypes

Speaker 2 44:30

Those prayers were certain things that I was paying attention to and focusing on at that time in my life. I had been battling, being in and out of the hospital for Lupus Flair, so I was trusting God to help me from that. It was just a lot. I was sending in a gap and interceding for my family and friends, different things that I knew that people were going through. I remember there were times where I didn't feel understood.

Speaker 2 44:53

So it was just a lot that I was carrying and I remember telling myself you know what, I'm gonna really go hard and really go all out and dedicate, like, consecrate myself during this fast because I needed answers by the end of that day, one day. I needed God to move, I needed that breakthrough and I did not wanna publish it. I did not. I fought it tooth and nail. I actually sat on that thing for like three years and it was a conversation. My husband and I were having a conversation before and you know what got me to press go. He reminded me. He said what are you waiting for? And I remember just laughing it off like he was like no, you told me that you promised God, if he healed you, you were gonna share your story, you were gonna share your testimony. And I was like that's it and that's it. I hit the go. So, yeah, we gotta remember those promises that we make when we're in different situations.

Speaker 1 45:57

Oh no, and even the promises we make to ourselves, because you know your book, as we're talking about. You know all of the different ways that we can help women kind of get out of this super woman mindset. And maybe now this episode is not for everybody, right, because there are some women that this is who they are, this is who they want to be, and that's okay.

Speaker 1 46:21

But we're talking to the women who you know can't do it all, no, they can't do it all and they're struggling to kind of just, you know, move past and be who you know to be their true selves. But your book has blessed me I mean some, you know friends, you know you've been on my friend's show on women in ministry on the move and it's just been a blessing to so many people. And I think the important thing too is, you know, sharing our stories, because we may not know how to overcome, but, man, if I can hear a story about a woman who or anybody, for that matter, that is that has overcome something that I'm currently dealing with, that has so much impact, you know, for me, what made me started sharing more openly too, aside from this, is what I this was one of the prayers I prayed, literally in a hospital.

Speaker 2 47:25

God, you get me out of here. I'm gonna testify, I'm gonna shout it from the mountain tops, I'm gonna tell everybody how great you are, what you did for me. I said all of those things and I meant it. But what really helped me? I remember being in church and I was thinking, like man, I just can't understand why somebody wouldn't believe in God. Right, I don't trust them. That's their journey to each his own. But I remember sitting there thinking like I just don't understand who wouldn't love a God like this? And I remember thinking to myself the same things that we read about back in the day, back in Bible days.

Speaker 2 47:58

I've been fortunate enough to see those same miracles. You know, I may not have seen stuff like water turning into wine and things like that, but I've seen healing take place. I've seen financial breakthroughs and miracles take place. I've seen a lot of those things just in my lifetime alone, in my personal life. And so right along the time that I was thinking like that, my pastor was preaching about it and he was believing in God and he had faith for our church to be holy ground to see modern day miracles, and I remember that's what changed for me. It was that year that I started seeing. I really started paying attention and seeing different things in my that I can equate to modern day miracles. So the same way I don't.

Speaker 2 48:43

When I go to people now I still use Bible as the source, but I tell them, like it's not just because you know, some people are going to say they don't believe in it. Okay, you may not believe about. You may not believe what's written in this book from all of these years ago, but what if I told you that this is what happened just in 2016? This person is still living and breathing and able to tell you what God brought them through, and so that's what kind of changed it for me. Putting it in a way that people can understand and relate to. That's been really helpful, even like as a child.

Speaker 2 49:15

I grew up in church, but as a child, I related to God through music more than the pastors. I think children's ministry is great now, because when I was growing up, we have children's church, maybe a children's Sunday school class, but after that you sit in the main sanctuary with your mom and them. So when they're talking about bills and marriages, you just sit in there like can I get something to color? Can I get a coloring book? Can I get a piece of candy out of your first grandma Not really paying attention, right? Oh, it's so many different ways that you can share the ministry and the message. Yeah, it's just utilizing all of the different resources and tools. I always tell people you may not ever come to my church and that's fine, but I hope that you can look at my life and feel that because of what I see in her life, I know it's evident that God is real. Let me give this Jesus thing a try because I see it's working for her. That's what I know.

Speaker 1 50:18

And that's a blessing, and it's a blessing to know that there are people that we can glean from who've been through things that someone less are struggling with, and I guess the big picture is. So let's recap this picture of this superwoman myth. So your picture is? It started with your mama and them.

Speaker 2 50:47

It's not all the definition. I define what superwoman is for me. I don't go after what society's told or even what my family showed me to redefine it for me. Being a superwoman for me means that I'm present for my family, I'm accomplishing my goals, I'm keeping those promises to myself and to others. I have a relationship with my creator. All of those things are online. I'm good. I don't have to do all of these things to check a box to make it. I don't desire to do that anymore. I hung my cape up years ago.

Speaker 1 51:22

I know that's right. And in that process you gave yourself grace, you leaned on your support system, you leaned on God, you talked to God and you understood what your limitations were. Yeah, and you just said, look, I cannot do it all.

Speaker 2 51:43

And.

Speaker 1 51:43

I don't want to.

Speaker 2 51:45

I don't want to anymore. I'm good Getting there and done that got the t-shirt.

The Importance of Self-Care for Superwomen

Speaker 1 51:50

Nope, Love it, man. This has just been such a fun conversation with you, and I think I just want our listeners to know that being a superwoman is a choice, not an expectation, right? Yeah, I think it's really about finding your own balance and staying true to yourself, and it's OK to set boundaries, take support, prioritize your well-being, and I think it's just time, in 2023, that we challenge those stereotypes and just start empowering women to embrace who they really are.

Speaker 2 52:32

We have to mention the self-care too, because I think the historical definition of superwoman she was taking care of everyone but herself, and so I'm big on self-care. And self-care doesn't have to be going to the spa all the time. It can be something as simple as taking five, 10 minutes to yourself, and that could look different for many people. It can be just soaking in a bathtub with some eppel, some sod and candles. It can be my favorite self-care is going to get a pedicure, because you get the little massage and you walk out feeling pretty and taking care of. Either pedicure or I like to get my hair done. Those are like little treats I give myself every couple of weeks or so, especially after a tough week. It's nothing like sitting in a chair and somebody's just pampering you. That's like my favorite.

Speaker 2 53:19

So, and then also vacations. You can do extensive trips, long, extended trips, or you can do a staycation, just something to change up the scenery. The little short weekend trips those are helpful because it just gives you a different outlook, a different environment. You switch up everything and you can come back rested, refreshed and rejuvenated. So all of those things are like part of my self-care routine. I've been doing it more and more and I think when I take care of myself, I can show up as a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. Oh, they love me at work because I'm rested Like.

Speaker 2 53:59

I'm taking care of myself first.

Speaker 1 54:02

And that's what we have to remember. And for the women who want to be super women that's cool, but self-care still applies. Self-care still matters. We still have to do it Well. Thank you so much, sierra. It has been a joy having you with us and we got to get you back on the show.

Speaker 2 54:26

Awesome, can't wait to do it. Thank you for having me.