Finding the Sparkle: Why Dark Humor and Blank Calendars Are Good for the Soul

Sometimes life keeps lifing, and we get so caught up in the heavy that we forget to pause, connect, and celebrate. In this lighthearted yet deeply grounded episode of Hypothetically Intentional, I’m joined by my wonderful friend Tanya Smart. Tanya opens up about navigating an intense season of high work stress, the beautiful relief of reaching a finite end date, and what it truly feels like to welcome a summer of pure freedom and creative play. 

Together, we explore the duality of stress and celebration, the healing power of dark humor, and why it is so necessary to protect empty space in our calendars. If you are feeling overwhelmed or are ready to transition into your own season of calm, this episode is a gentle invitation to lighten the heavy and find the funny in the middle of the mess. 

Connect with Tanya: Explore Tanya’s creative writing and reflections on her Substack: @TFSmart.

This podcast is provided for educational, informational, and entertainment purposes only and does not constitute providing professional medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or professional healthcare services.

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Music Credit Through Season 3 Episode 41
Title: Ebb and Flow
Author: Fabian Measures https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Fabian_Measures/
Source: Free Music Archive https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Fabian_Measures/Singles_Album/Ebb_and_Flow_1829/
Licence: CC BY 4.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:07

Hi, and welcome to Hypothetically Intentional, where we ask the question, what if we set intentions with everything we do? I'm your host, Michelle Ulvers, and today I have Tanya Smart back with me. Welcome, Tanya. Hello. I'm gonna set an intention for today, and if you want to add to it, feel free. My intention today is to be in celebration and have some fun with a friend who we actually haven't connected in a hot second. It's been a while. And hopefully the other the other layer to that intention for me is that it helps someone out there just lighten the heavy, so to speak. Sometimes life can get heavy. Life keeps lifing, and we forget to pause and celebrate or find the funny or do connect with someone you care about, you know.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Uh may I add? Yes, please do. Uh just really going on the same vibe, I think, of um connection and fun. That's I'm not as eloquent as you with it, but connection and fun is what I'm feeling. I love that. And also eloquent is not a word most people use for me or with me.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

So thanks for that, I think.

SPEAKER_00 1:17

It's it's befitting right now in this moment.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Beautiful. I love that. And here's the other thing. I know this is an audio only podcast, but I just can't help but notice it's like you are the living version of celebration right now, at least from my viewpoint, because you're like sitting outside, there's trees behind you. It's beautiful. I think I saw you just hold up a glass, a simple glass of ice water, but it just everything looks refreshing and and just like it's funny. I'm talking about celebration fun, but it feels calm and lovely.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

It's nice right now. It's been very humid here in South Louisiana, and it's actually not too bad right now. So it is nice outside, and the birds are chirping. So yes, calm. It's very calming. And uh my cat's down here wanting loving, and he's my one who usually doesn't want loving. So that's that's nice too. He's he's feeling it as well, I think.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

I was gonna say, maybe he's here to celebrate with us.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

He's here to something, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_02 2:25

Cuddle up, cuddle up and get some love, and that's another great way to celebrate and have fun, right? I don't know. I just think sometimes a lot of people that I've been talking to lately just kind of mentioned that life can feel heavy or life is really lifing right now, and yeah, so I think just to hop on the mic and have a conversation and connect and talk about anything that might lighten that a little bit is a beautiful thing.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Yeah, I think I've been feeling that too, in that uh probably up until about mid-May, the work and whatnot stress levels were super high, and I have finally gotten to a point where um I don't know, it doesn't feel so heavy. It has gotten lighter. Um and this time last year, my I didn't really have much of a summer. I had to work all summer, where typically I don't work all summer. Uh, but last year due to staffing changes, I I didn't have a break at all, and now I'm actually in that moment where I can afford a break and have a break and not feel stressed about not working, and it's nice. It's very nice. So I've got the I've got the calm that I'm embracing right now. That's really cool.

SPEAKER_02 3:52

Do you think do you think it was just situational? Like you said, May kind of got stressful and felt a little heavy. Do you think it was situational that lifted that? Or do you think there were intentional, like did you notice it and do intentional things to help you lighten it up, so to speak?

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Uh uh yes and no. Yeah. I tried to be intentional, like I was recognizing that my stress levels were elevating, and I tried to be very intentional with um noticing when I was overworked, overstressed, whatnot, and then um, you know, practicing simple things like breathing or uh taking a hot bath, you know, self-care. Yeah. Um and and then some of it was just I I'm sure there were times where I was getting to that high stress that I I wasn't actively noticing it also.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

Yeah. I think sometimes it's nice to know that I mean it's weird to say when the podcast is titled Hypothetically Intentional, but just to realize that you don't always have to be intentional for a situation to change. Like sometimes it's just it will shift. Like everything is temporary, and you can either, you know, set some intentions and notice some things around that, which can then facilitate it moving into something lighter or quote unquote better faster, or you can just kind of ride it out and it'll eventually go away. I'm not saying, I don't know, that sounds a little bit like whatever, it'll just end. I don't mean it like that. I just mean we don't always have to actively be doing a thing to to make something change. Sometimes the the rest is required, and sometimes that means I like I don't want to notice myself all the freaking time. Sometimes I do want to be able to just like maybe it's just a simple choice, like today. I was like, let's just get on the mic and talk about celebration and have some, you know, I don't know. Now we're talking about stress, but I just think Well no, but you I mean, I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

Can you really celebrate without having that stress or that high energy? Right. Or like like that precedes it. I don't know. If if you're can you constantly be in a in a celebration mode or a calm mode without recognizing what you I don't think you can appreciate celebration or appreciate appreciate less stress if you don't have the stress to precede it? I don't know. I feel like I'm not making much sense right now, but in my head. I don't you aren't me.

SPEAKER_02 6:47

Maybe you aren't to the listeners. I but I think I think there's something to be said about the duality. Like if you've never experienced the stress, then the celebration doesn't feel as much.

SPEAKER_00 6:56

Right. And I think you also just said what um what I was thinking a few minutes ago too, with in my case, the stress that I was having at work I knew did have an end date. So, you know, once my seniors graduated, I knew that a lot of my stress was going to go downhill real quick. Um so in kind of tagging on what you just said, there was part in in times that I wasn't being intentional, there was still in the back of my head that okay, but this is gonna be over. Yeah, this is finite.

SPEAKER_02 7:37

This doesn't go on forever.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

This is gonna there is an end date to when this is gonna be over, and the other stress that's gonna naturally come along at work or home or whatever, is is you know, that'll that'll come and go. But but this big stress right here, I know this big stress is about to be done, and that's that's a nice feeling, just knowing that.

SPEAKER_02 7:59

That's cool. I actually really like that you said that because for me, I do find like I can handle a lot when I know it's finite and I know the end date. And part of the way I do that is to, I already am planning how I'm gonna celebrate when it's over, and to have that thing to look forward to, whatever it is. It doesn't have to be this big huge like thing, but just me knowing, okay, when this is done, I'm gonna give myself this treat, whatever that is. Like just like I'm gonna do this thing, and it might be I'm gonna spend a day doing absolute fucking nothing. Like it might be that, but at the very least, I can write out a lot if I know it's finite and I know it's gonna, you know, if I have an actual end date and then I can start like pre-planning, like, okay, this is the thing I'm gonna do, and I'm really excited about it. That helps me.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Yeah, I think having the end date absolutely helps, and it could have it could have a treat uh assigned to it or not. Like I could there's definitely times where, oh yeah, when this is over, I'm gonna treat myself to a massage or an ice cream or whatever. But even in this case, it was just the treat was knowing I don't have that cloud hanging over my head. Like that was the treat. The treat is it's over. I didn't even need anything extra. It just Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

I think for me when it's really heavy, like when it's really something I do need, like I need something to look forward to. And it doesn't even have to be like right after it's done. It might be three months from now, I know that I'm gonna do a staycation somewhere, or you know what I mean, or even six months. Like it doesn't have to be soon, but there is something about having something to look forward to that is just, I don't know. I think, isn't that the joy of life? I mean, not that I'm always living in like the next thing to look forward to. I'm very much about being in the present and enjoying what's here right now, or not and radically accepting it, but I do love having like this is gonna sound so weird, some sort of a dangling carrot that I get to like run toward, you know, and like and I know I'll eventually get it. So that's pretty cool. And it might look different than I thought, but I don't know. I just think so many people have been talking about how heavy life is these days. And it's like, well, how do we how do we lighten that up? And like for me, sometimes like when it's really bad for me, bad quote unquote, my dark humor is like my most fun way out. I just it gets I don't know. There's something about being dark in the darkness that is like when you make it funny, and I don't mean make it funny to bypass it, I just mean like, okay, well, this is here. At least I can laugh about it, or at least I can find a way to navigate it that like I know it's temporary. And there are, let's be honest, there's some funny things happening in the now, you know. And if I can get myself to that place, I can just, I don't know, the spark will come back into my eyes more quickly. But it usually starts with dark humor for me, and then I go up from there.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

I figured I feel like I'm gonna mongle this because I don't remember how it came about, but somebody at work, I don't remember if it started with me or it started with something else, but it somehow my dad got brought up and they were like, Oh, is your dad whatever? And I was like, I don't know, can you know he my dad's been dead for 20 years, so he would probably you know, he's not in a good place like physically. And it was it was I was clearly making a joke of it and I was laughing about it, and they like their initial reaction was like, Oh my god, I'm sorry, I didn't know. And I was like, That's fine, I know you didn't know, that's why. And I chose to make the funny, yeah. I think it's something it might have been on his birthday. I was like, Oh, my dad would have been however old, 72, I think, this year, and they were like, Oh, is he celebrating? And I was like, Well, considering he's six feet in the ground, no.

unknown 12:02

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 12:03

But that's what I mean. I mean, there is something like when you get to the place where you can joke about things, it there is a significant level of healing that has happened when you can do that and it actually coming from a like a quote unquote pure place, you know. I had a from a co-work co-worker who she lost her mom when she was young. I'm not gonna remember all the details, and I don't really want to spoil her alert or like call her out anyway, other than to say she made the most like made people so uncomfortable with her jokes about it because she was just so it was part of her life, but then she would be like, Oh, well, you know, thanks for bringing up the mom thing because mine's dead, you know. And she would just like and then she would giggle and she had like this great, I don't know, she was just very like stoic when she delivered it, but then she would like her whole face would light up and she would get silly with it as well. And I just really appreciated her sense of humor. And I'm sure not everybody did, but I just found that I just think, you know, that's a tough deal. That's a tough, that's a tough like cards to be dealt when you know you lost your mom when you were really young. That sucks. But she found a way, you know. And what other choice do you have? It's not like you can wish her back.

SPEAKER_00 13:09

No, I don't know. You might as well just I mean, you don't have to make light of it all the time, but just have being able to roll with the situation or have a good attitude about it. But yeah, I I lean towards the dark humor too, so maybe that's why it's uh yeah, it's just boring to be reverent all the time.

SPEAKER_02 13:33

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Well, and I think, yeah, it's not that you're making fun of it or making light of it all the time. I mean, I think the reason you can is because you've sat with it too, right? Like you felt it, you didn't bypass it because if you bypassed it, then when it comes up, it's a struggle. But when it's not a struggle anymore, and I don't mean ever, I still get sadness around things that I've healed. That's a that's a normal thing. But yeah, when you get to that place where you can make the the funny, the funny, make the uncomfortable funny. I don't know. I think that's a beautiful place to be. I think it's a a skill that gets developed sometimes through pain. Uh-huh. I would say dark humor is a way to celebrate. A hundred percent. In my world, it is. Maybe not for everyone, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

I feel like it's I feel like it's a way you can show that you've overcome something, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:26

Yeah, because it doesn't have that weight anymore. There is a lightness. I mean, dark there is a lightness in dark humor, right? For me, yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, I just because I even think about like if I'm thinking about like just saying certain things, or even like that story I just told about a former coworker, it's like there was nothing heavy about it. She didn't feel she didn't feel anything other than just settled into the reality that was hers. Yeah. And then um really okay with sharing that out however it worked for her in any given moment. Yeah. I don't know. I actually I'm having these fond memories come in. Like, I don't I don't think about my former that job very often. Uh and so it's like this these fond memories of just some of the really fun giggles we had there and how much fun it was to work with all kinds of people. It was a creative group and a bunch of different personalities and ways we show up in the world, is that's fun for me. So, what are you gonna do for your summer? Are you do you have? I mean, I kind of heard earlier that you maybe don't have like you're just gonna be and you don't have to worry about it like you did last summer.

SPEAKER_00 15:40

I'm I'm trying to just be. I don't really want to make too many plans. Yeah, I want to um I've been playing around with learning the guitar.

unknown 15:53

That's fun.

SPEAKER_00 15:54

So I would like to uh put some real effort into that. And I'd kinda like to, now that some of the my brain stress is done, I'd kinda like to play with some creative writing again. Oh fine. Um I have not pretty much all school year, I've had so much on my plate, I have not had the will or the want to do that. So I'm kind of hoping that between practicing that guitar skill and trying to be a little bit better at that, and then having an a creative outlet again in writing. Um But mostly I don't want I don't want to be tied down to any specific plans. Like I just want to enjoy enjoy time and that sounds like freedom.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

You know, I think sometimes when we get space in our calendar, we just fill it up. We just fill it up because we don't know what to do with all that space, and that space makes us uncomfortable. So I love the idea of I'm gonna put some time and energy into learning guitar and getting better at that. And creative writing, I love that. You have a substack?

SPEAKER_00 17:15

Yeah, I haven't contributed a ton to it, but I do. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 17:19

Is is your creative writing just for you, or do you put it out publicly? I guess I'm asking on the mic because it's like if you have a place where people can go and explore your creative writing, I want to make sure they know how to get there.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

Um that's okay. No, it it's public. I think I think I only have I actually have one uh that is um public and kind of associated with my name, and one that is um it's public, but it's under an alias because it's a little slightly raunchier. Uh huh. And um like my public one is very much uh kind of ties into the work I do. So um, you know, obviously I don't really want the two linked necessarily. Only tell us the one, not the other. It's been a minute since I've uh even It's been a minute since I've even gone up to it because it oh so it's just TF Smart. That's my that's my Substack at TF Smart. And I only have a couple articles, but maybe I'll add some more. Who knows? That's fun.

SPEAKER_02 18:38

That's fun. All right. I feel like people should should, could, are invited to go follow you. TF Smart. Sure. See, see, see what the summer brings, see what kind of if it does. If any because I the other thing is, is like I do understand that sometimes writing, it's like you don't know until you land with it if it's gonna if like is this meant for someone else, or was this just my own therapeutic process, right? And that's those those can be two very different things.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

Yeah, yeah. And I've um on my public one that's associated with me, I've I have played around with the idea of uh I've kind of wanted to write my feelings about dealing with parents and kind of how I've navigated that in the past and and some trends I've been seeing, but I've also been like, eh, I don't know. I don't I don't know if that how that would come out. So that's definitely something I've been wanting to write about. But like you said, I'm not sure if that's gonna be a public forum. Yeah or or private, just depends on what flows out of me as to Yeah, you'll know when you know as to whether that's fit for public consumption or not.

SPEAKER_02 19:52

I love uh even this conversation, I just love things that encourage or invite or potentially inspire people to in whatever way, in whatever platform, public or private, just ways to quote unquote get it out. But when I say get it out, I also mean just like be with it. Because I think there's something about that. It doesn't have to be writing, it can be anything, it can be music, it can just be a thought exploration or a meditation or a a walk, it can be anything, literally. Like I'm saying things that work for me, they don't have to work for you, but there's something about doing that with intention that is so cathartic and so therapeutic. And sometimes it's more, it's like amplified if you don't share it with anyone. And then other times there's something about sharing it out that a, for whatever reason you're called to and you know it's gonna help someone else, or it could potentially help someone else, but then also there's something about it that even if no one ever comments on it or no one ever reads it or no one ever even sees, whatever that creation was, there's something about making it feel like it's part of the collective and you feel less alone. And and I I don't know when I sort of flipped that switch, because I think old me, quote unquote, old me, like before a lot of different healing. Um, I would have been attached to, oh my God, how many people have listened to the podcast? Oh my god, nobody commented. Oh my god, I only got one email this time, and I didn't get, you know, it's like to like really have that comparison and like the need for that external validation, but I just am not, I'm not hung up on that anymore. I'm not attached to it. I just like I'm called to do it, I'm gonna keep doing it as long as it feels aligned to keep doing it, and that's it. It's not about it's not about me, but it's also not about anything external coming back to me. It it's really just it's there, and if people find it and find it to be helpful or enjoyable, or in some way enhance their life, great, tune in. We love it. And if you don't, I'm never gonna know anyway, so it's okay. Yeah, you know, I don't know. I love that. I love the ways. we can not feel alone.

SPEAKER_00 22:01

And I think I think that's what I know that I'm overwhelmed or stressed is when I don't even have the desire to be creative in any fashion. Um and I'm finally getting back to that place where I'm like, oh I don't I don't feel the stress of having things I need to do at the moment. So I can I can actually shift my efforts into I don't know things that I deem is not important enough to put effort in. You know when I have other things that I have other things that I need to do. And uh it's just it's nice. It's freeing to not feel like I have so much other things stacked up that I can't put effort and emotion and joy into things that I know will bring me more balance and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:01

It's funny I just I hear a lot of wisdom in that because it's like sometimes your stress is so much that it's like literally to even think about doing something that might help you get out of the stress is actually more stress. Yes. Like I do get that that is a true that is something that actually happens. But then on the flip side of that sometimes the stress is in a place where it's like to add in some creativity or to do something fun and to actually carve out time for that and take a break quote unquote from the stress is is actually the most helpful choice. But what I just heard of what you were saying is like you really just needed to wrap up that school year and it needed to all of that need to just fly off your platter and then and then like now you're actually you feel very excited about about opportunities for anything else really just anything else not that yeah anything yeah just being outside in nature and yeah yard work whatever just yeah doing what I want to do when I want to do it. That's so awesome like an adult choice and not so much heaviness or or stuff weighing you down so that you feel like you don't have capacity for anything but the suck you know I think that's just like yeah we all have those we ride those waves the ebb and flow of max stress to not very much stress at all. And then the flip side of that there's the good max stress which is still stressful. It's just exciting instead of you know debilitating sometimes the you stress yeah I don't know I feel like this episode is supposed to be short. I feel like if we get too too drawn into it it'll it'll um go to a different place and I feel like lighthearted and I mean we talked about some heavy stuff but also I don't know about you but I had fun.

SPEAKER_00 25:03

I had fun I always have fun with you Michelle I do too even with the heavy stuff. Even if it's heavy I always have fun with you.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

I do have a way of making the heavy stuff lighter I just have realized that over time but I think it's because it used to suck me down so far that I had to figure out how to climb out and like I had to figure out how to make it lighter. And so it's probably your eloquence I don't think that's it I just like I just my mom is rolling over in her grave right now going eloquence Michelle never like that's not a thing the number of times she said Michelle acts like a lady it's like mom don't you know who I am you don't know me at all she did she she did and she appreciated uh me even when my eloquence was buried super deep hard to find I can't even see a glimmer of it because I'm just too me that's okay though I appreciate it I that's a that's a I'm gonna have to sit with that word a little bit it doesn't make me uncomfortable but I'm like is that true is that even like do I show up eloquent?

SPEAKER_00 26:13

I think mostly not but I don't know I mean I would I would say the same about myself yeah but I probably have my moments.

SPEAKER_02 26:27

Well and that's what I think I I think like what I'm hearing is just like you know just because sometimes I'm speaking for myself you can be crass doesn't mean you can't also sometimes be eloquent.

SPEAKER_00 26:39

Like the crass doesn't like counter like negate that forever you know absolutely yeah on that note anything else you want to share um no it's it's it's been fun I appreciate you inviting me to to chit chat I appreciate the chit chat and uh I look forward to the next time who knows where we'll go next who knows maybe I'll butt dial you or butter dial you on WhatsApp.

SPEAKER_02 27:09

You butter dialed me the other day it was lovely you gotta love auto correct I mean come on gotta love it I knew what you meant all right that's a wrap for today bye bye